The Snail House E-Book

Richard Eyre

• Herausgeber: Nick Hern Books
• Kategorie: Poesie und Drama
• Serie: NHB Modern Plays
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 81

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2022

Beschreibung

'I saved lives and I got rewarded and I'm bloody well not going to apologise for it.' Sir Neil Marriot had a 'good pandemic', becoming familiar to millions from his TV appearances as a government medical advisor. His service even earned him a knighthood, and he is now rewarding himself with a lavish birthday party. But, amidst the oak panelling, the champagne and the silver service, his family are at one another's throats again, and he thinks there's something familiar – and somehow unsettling – about one of the catering staff... The Snail House is a play about how the past impacts on the present, and how overconfidence can have disastrous consequences. Written and directed by Richard Eyre, it premiered at Hampstead Theatre, London, in September 2022.

Leseprobe

Richard Eyre

THE SNAIL HOUSE

NICK HERN BOOKS

London

www.nickhernbooks.co.uk

Contents

Original Production Details

Acknowledgements

Epigraph

Characters

The Snail House

About the Author

Copyright and Performing Rights Information

The Snail House was first performed at Hampstead Theatre, London, on 7 September 2022. The cast was as follows:

FLORENCE

Amanda Bright

HABEEB

Raphel Famotibe

NEIL

Vincent Franklin

SARAH

Grace Hogg-Robinson

WYNONA

Megan McDonnell

VAL

Eva Pope

HUGO

Patrick Walshe McBride

Writer and Director

Richard Eyre

Designer

Tim Hatley

Lighting Designer

Hugh Vanstone

Sound Designer

John Leonard

Casting Director

Ginny Schiller CDG

Assistant Director

Jessica Mensah

Associate Designer

Ross Edwards

Lighting Associate and Programmer

Sam Waddington

Associate Sound Designer

Ali Taie

Production Manager

David Pritchard

Costume Supervisor

Rachael Woodhouse

CSM

Lizzie Donaghy

DSM

Olivia Kerslake

ASM

Devon James-Bowen

Acknowledgements

Thanks to Sue Birtwistle, Lucy Eyre, Danny Moar, Jonathan Church, Nicholas Wright, Ian McEwan, Annalena MacAfee, Judy Daish, Professor Andrew Prendergast, Dr Martin Scurr, Roxana Silbert, Ginny Schiller, Sally Rogers and the entire Hampstead cast for helping to make this play better.

R.E.

‘Even a snail will eventually reach its home.’

Nigerian saying

Characters

WYNONA, twenty, catering employee

HABEEB, twenty, catering employee

NEIL, fifty-five, paediatrician

VAL, fifty, pharmaceuticals PA, his wife

FLORENCE, thirty-eight, catering manager

SARAH, eighteen, non-student, Neil and Val’s daughter

HUGO, twenty-five, special political adviser, Neil and Val’s son

The action is set in London in the spring of 2022.

This ebook was created before the end of rehearsals and so may differ slightly from the play as performed.

ACT ONE

2022. Night. A large, dark, panelled early nineteenth-century room in a London school. Portraits of (male) worthies on walls: headmasters in academic gowns, chairmen in suits. There’s a crest above the door. A number of chairs are piled up in one corner, and two long oak tables are against the back wall. There are double doors, closed at the moment, and a handsome oak sideboard to one side of the doors. Darkness except for a dribble of light from the corridor.

The doors are kicked open.

WYNONA and HABEEB barge in, carrying heavy plastic crates. They’re both wearing puffa jackets over uniforms of white shirt with a black tie, black trousers/skirt.

WYNONA speaks fast with an Irish accent, very loudly, without drawing breath. HABEEB switches the lights on.

She dumps a heavy crate on a table.

WYNONA. Plates.

He dumps his crates.

HABEEB. Glasses.

WYNONA. It’s a school, you eejit, and it’s not a school for fecking wizards so if you’re thinking of casting a spell on me you can think again. Isn’t it you should be carrying the plates?

HABEEB. Have you never heard about equality of the sexes?

WYNONA. Heard it but never seen it.

They start out of the room.

I’ve met your mammy, she would have taught you better than that.

WYNONA’s voice still heard as VAL and NEIL MARRIOT come into the corridor from the other direction.

NEIL (calling after them). Excuse me…

VAL and NEIL enter the room. She is carrying flowers in a plastic bag. They are both smartly dressed: evening wear and topcoats. They are both from Lancashire and still retain their accents.

I assume they’re coming back.

VAL. Well, they’re called Feast and Fast.

NEIL. You chose them.

VAL. We chose them.

NEIL stands in the centre of the room and stamps his feet in delight like Lopakhin after buying the cherry orchard.

NEIL. Aaaalright!!

VAL. Stay vertical.

She puts the flowers on the sideboard.

NEIL. I always do.

VAL. Not when you get nervous.

He claps his hands in pleasure.

NEIL. It’s great.

VAL. It’s a morgue.

NEIL. You said it was a wonderful room.

VAL. When?

NEIL. At the what-d’you-call-it, Parents’ Day.

VAL (looking at the portraits). I didn’t see the corpses.

NEIL. Hugo loved it here.

VAL (mimicking NEIL). ‘It gave him the education I didn’t have.’

NEIL. It did.

VAL. Would that be bullying and buggery?

NEIL. Val, you wanted to do this.

VAL. I agreed to do this, Neil, I didn’t say I wanted to. We could have done it much better in a hotel. Cheaper too.

NEIL. Give us a hug.

He gives her a hug.

VAL. Mind my hair.

NEIL. Doesn’t this have a bit of class?

VAL. But half the price up north.

NEIL. I know what you think.

VAL. You know what I think but when I disagree with you, you tell me I’m being thick.

NEIL. I don’t say that, I’ve never said that.

VAL. Don’t shout at me.

NEIL. I wasn’t shouting.

VAL. Well, don’t disagree so loudly.

NEIL. D’you think Sarah’ll come?

VAL. She’s always keen on a meal.

NEIL. As long as it doesn’t have meat in it.

VAL. Do you think your girlfriend will come?

NEIL. Who d’you mean?

VAL. You know who I mean.

NEIL (of the caterers). Have they disappeared?

She shrugs.

How does my tie look?

VAL. You look like a snooker ref. How do I look?

NEIL. Fine. (Looking at her.) Lovely.

VAL. Please don’t mention me in your speech.

NEIL. Why not?

VAL. It embarrasses me.

NEIL. I mean to please you.

VAL. You mean to bully me into being gracious.

NEIL. Mightn’t be a bad idea.

VAL. Meaning never complain.

NEIL. I want you to enjoy yourself.

WYNONA (off). I don’t have a phobia about rats, I just don’t like animals who want to bite me.

WYNONA comes in with HABEEB, carrying another two crates. HABEEB gives a curt nod of acknowledgement. WYNONA puts down her heavy crates with a clang.

(To NEIL and VAL.) We’re Feast and Fast. He’s Feast, I’m –

NEIL. The drinks will be in the Powell Room – (Pointing down the corridor.) that’s –

WYNONA. We’ll do the tables first, then we’ll set up the drinks in the other room.

NEIL. The dinner guests will arrive at seven thirty. We’ll have dinner at eight fifteen and the other guests will arrive for nine forty-five for the…

VAL....for the dancing and…

NEIL....the dancing and the speeches. Canapés and champagne before dinner and for the speeches, then wine for the dancing. There don’t seem to be enough of you to serve drinks and dinner.

WYNONA. There’ll be three of us. The manager’s not here yet. (Pointing at HABEEB.) She’s his mother. And there’s Szymòn.

HABEEB. He’s the chef.

WYNONA. He has an assistant. And there’s a coat-check woman from the school. And the guy who does the sound system.

HABEEB. We’ve done this before, you know.

VAL. I should hope so.

WYNONA. Do you want Royal or Corporate?

NEIL. I’m sorry?

WYNONA. Royal’s when the host and hostess are sitting beside each other in the middle, Corporate they sit at either end.

VAL (to WYNONA). Corporate.

NEIL. Royal. My wife will do the flowers.

VAL. I’ll do the flowers after you’ve laid the table.

WYNONA. Do you want candles?

VAL. I don’t want candles or candelabras, I said specifically –

NEIL. She wants nightlights.

VAL turns away in irritation, starts to go.

We won’t hold you up.

They go.

WYNONA. And fuck you too. Eejits.

HABEEB and WYNONA get on with their work. They start to unstack the chairs, which are Victorian. Two of the chairs have arms.

HABEEB. Did they ask you if you could do silver service?

WYNONA. No, they didn’t ask me if I was a virgin either.

HABEEB. They asked me where I came from. I said Barking.

WYNONA. I said I’m a bogger.

HABEEB. A bugger?

WYNONA. From the bogs. County Monaghan. (Sings the first two lines of ‘South of the Border (Down Mexico Way)’ by Jimmy Kennedy and Michael Carr.) Where’s that mammy of yours?

HABEEB. Your bet’s as good as mine.

WYNONA. Does she make your bed for you?

HABEEB. I’m only back till term starts. Then I’m gone.

WYNONA. Ah yes, learning to become the next Alan Sugar.

HABEEB. Er, Elon Musk.

WYNONA. Just don’t forget me when you’ve made your first million.

She moves close to him.

Give us a smooch, Habs.

He pushes her away playfully.

HABEEB. Go away.

WYNONA. I like the look of the chef.

HABEEB. Szymòn?

FLORENCE comes in as they’re finishing putting the chairs out. She wears a coat over her white blouse and black skirt.

FLORENCE. The van’s not locked.

HABEEB. Where’s my mum?

FLORENCE. She’s ill, they sent me. She didn’t tell you?

HABEEB. She ’ent talking to me.

She opens a crate that has tablecloths and napkins inside and takes out a tablecloth.

WYNONA. I’m Wynona. That’s with a ‘y’. Don’t ask – my daddy loved country and western.

FLORENCE (shaking hands). Florence.

WYNONA. Supremes?

FLORENCE. I don’t know what you mean.

WYNONA. Motown. Florence Ballard, Diana Ross, Mary Wilson.

FLORENCE shakes hands with HABEEB.

FLORENCE. You’re Habeeb.

HABEEB. I’m Habeeb.

FLORENCE. I know your mother.

FLORENCE reads the spec in the folder.

WYNONA. Done this before?

FLORENCE. Have you?

WYNONA. You got the cutlery?

FLORENCE moves HABEEB’s rucksack, which is on the sideboard.

FLORENCE. Whose is this?

HABEEB. Mine.

FLORENCE. Don’t put your stuff on the furniture.

WYNONA rolls her eyes. FLORENCE reads the spec.

Habeeb and… yes, Wynona. There’ll be eighteen guests. Corporate seating.

WYNONA. They want Royal.

FLORENCE. Champagne and canapés before dinner in the Powell Room.

WYNONA (pointing). That’s down there.

FLORENCE. Three courses. Silver service. Cold first course.

HABEEB. Smoked salmon.

FLORENCE. Hot main.

WYNONA (giggles). Cock o’van.

FLORENCE. Dessert will be strawberry tart with chocolate ganache.

WYNONA. Fancy.