The Unfriend E-Book

Steven Moffat

• Herausgeber: Nick Hern Books
• Kategorie: Poesie und Drama
• Serie: NHB Modern Plays
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 96

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2023

Beschreibung

'We're dying of manners. We're under siege from personal embarrassment. This is not sane. This is not rational. That woman is a monster!' While on holiday, Peter and Debbie befriend Elsa: a lusty, Trump-loving widow from Denver, USA. She's less than woke but kind of wonderful. They agree to stay in touch – because no one ever really does, do they? When Elsa invites herself to stay a few months later, they decide to look her up online. Too late, they learn the truth about Elsa Jean Krakowski. Deadly danger has just boarded a flight to London! But how do you protect all that you love from mortal peril without seeming, well, a bit impolite? Because guess who's coming... to murder! Steven Moffat's play The Unfriend takes a hilarious and satirical look at middle-class England's disastrous instinct always to appear nice. It was first performed at the Minerva Theatre, Chichester, in 2022, before transferring to London's West End – first to the Criterion Theatre, then to Wyndham's – in 2023. Steven Moffat is an award-winning writer whose internationally successful television shows include Doctor Who, Sherlock and Dracula – the latter two co-written with actor and writer Mark Gatiss, who made his stage directorial debut with The Unfriend.

Leseprobe

Steven Moffat

THE UNFRIEND

NICK HERN BOOKS

London

www.nickhernbooks.co.uk

Contents

Original Production Details

Characters

The Unfriend

About the Author

Copyright and Performing Rights Information

The Unfriend was developed by Matthew Byam Shaw for Playful Productions and first performed at the Minerva Theatre, Chichester, on 21 May 2022, with the following cast:

ELSA

Frances Barber

PETER

Reece Shearsmith

DEBBIE

Amanda Abbington

ALEX

Gabriel Howell

THE NEIGHBOUR

Michael Simkins

ROSIE

Maddie Holliday

PC JUNKIN

Marcus Onilude

Director

Mark Gatiss

Designer

Robert Jones

Lighting Designer

Mark Henderson

Sound Designer

Ella Wahlström

Video Designer

Andrzej Goulding

Casting Director

Charlotte Sutton CDG

Voice and Dialect Coach

Charmian Hoare

Associate Designer

Ben Davies

Associate Video Designer

Adrien Corcilius

Assistant Director

Gavin Joseph

Production Manager

Kate West

Costume Supervisor

Binnie Bowerman

Props Supervisor

Lisa Buckley

Company Stage Manager

Michael Dennis

Deputy Stage Manager

Imogen Firth

Assistant Stage Manager

David Purdie-Smith

The production transferred to the Criterion Theatre, London, on 15 January 2023, presented by Playful Productions, Eric Kuhn, Sayers & Sayers Productions, Karl Sydow and Sue Vertue/Hartswood Films, with the same cast, and the following understudies and creative team:

Understudies

PETER/THE NEIGHBOUR

Christopher Jordan

ELSA/DEBBIE

Cathy Walker

ALEX/PC JUNKIN

Barnaby Taylor

ROSIE

Charlotte Bradley

Director

Mark Gatiss

Designer

Robert Jones

Lighting Designer

Mark Henderson

Sound Designer and Music

Ella Wahlström

Video Designer and Animation

Andrzej Goulding

Casting Director

Charlotte Sutton CDG

Production Manager

Kate West

Associate Director

Isabel Marr

Associate Producer

Jack Lea

Costume Supervisor

Binnie Bowerman

Props Supervisor

Lisa Buckley

Company Stage Manager

Michael Dennis

Deputy Stage Manager

Imogen Firth

Assistant Stage Manager

David Purdie-Smith

Characters

PETER

ELSA

DEBBIE

ALEX

THE NEIGHBOUR

ROSIE

PC JUNKIN

ACT ONE

Deck of Cruise Ship

Simply indicated – a row of deck chairs at the front of the stage.

Above this – and at all times – there is a screen that shows additional action. At the moment it shows the sky and the sea.

PETER and ELSA, sitting on deck. PETER (mid-forties) is studying his laptop with a frown.

Two deckchairs along, is ELSA – they are clearly acquainted with each other, but are not fellow travellers. She is a powerful battleaxe of a woman, hard to guess her age.

When they speak she is obviously American – drawling, confident, unabashed – and he is English – mordant and always slightly cross.

ELSA. What are you looking at?

PETER. Donald Trump.

ELSA. Why?

PETER. He makes me angry.

ELSA. Do you like being angry?

PETER. I love being angry. I never know what I think about anything until I’m against it. It’s why I read the Guardian.

ELSA contemplates this for a moment.

ELSA.…I don’t have a relationship with anger.

PETER. A what, sorry?

ELSA. I’m never really angry about anything.

PETER. How can you start the day without hating someone? It’s why they have news in the morning.

ELSA. I guess I just really like people. I’m people positive.

PETER. Yeah?

ELSA. It’s just who I am. I don’t hate anyone.

PETER. Yeah? What about him?

He shows her the picture on his laptop. She studies it for a moment, considers.

ELSA. I’d do him.

PETER. Donald Trump??

ELSA. Yeah. I think he’s funny. I’d do him.

PETER. Look at him.

ELSA. I’m looking.

PETER. He’s ancient.

ELSA (shrugs). My husband’s dead – the bar is low.

PETER. Don’t say that. Don’t you sit there and say that to me. On a cruise. When I’m on holiday. Don’t say you’d do Donald Trump.

ELSA. I voted for him.

PETER. No. Don’t. Don’t say that.

ELSA. Everybody voted for him.

PETER. He lost the election.

ELSA. He only lost because of fraud and people voting against him.

PETER. Voting against him is not fraud.

ELSA. Oh, Peter, you’re all tense now.

PETER. I’m not tense.

ELSA. I can hear you clenching.

PETER. I’m not clenching.

ELSA. Oh, honey, look at you – you could snap a proctologist off at the knuckle.

PETER. I’m fine!

ELSA. Are you angry now, Peter?

PETER. Yes! Yes, I am.

ELSA. You’re welcome. Enjoy!

PETER laughs. Fair point.

PETER. You know. I’m going to miss our deckchair chats!

ELSA. Me too. I’m always hoping you’ll be here when I come out.

PETER. Likewise.

ELSA. You or somebody.

DEBBIE enters. Also mid-forties, PETER’s wife – teasing, sunny.

DEBBIE. Have you started packing?

PETER. Broadly.

DEBBIE. Hello, Elsa.

ELSA. Debbie, my sweet. Your husband is angry.

DEBBIE (checking the laptop). Donald Trump?

PETER. Have you seen this? Have you seen what he’s done now?

DEBBIE. What’s he done?

PETER. I’m still reading.

DEBBIE. Why do you have to read about Donald Trump every morning?

PETER. You won’t let me have coffee.

DEBBIE. Your doctor won’t let you have coffee, it’s bad for your blood pressure.

PETER. Actually, it’s irrelevant. My blood pressure finds a way.

ELSA. My husband loved coffee. He used to say ‘Give me coffee or give me death!’ Now he’s got death. So I guess that worked out.

DEBBIE. You see? Don’t you want me to be remembering you fondly some day?

PETER. It’s not something I’m actively looking forward to, no.

DEBBIE. Just me then.

PETER. Oh, you’re funny. Isn’t she funny, my wife?

DEBBIE. So, darling – have you started packing?

PETER. I’m homing in.

DEBBIE. Which means?

PETER. Everything’s in the cabin. I just have to put it in the case.

DEBBIE. Docking in two hours.

PETER. I know.

DEBBIE. I know you know. And I know you think, if you leave it long enough, I’ll pack for you.

(To ELSA.) Game of chicken basically.

PETER. Slow chicken.

DEBBIE. Marriage, as it’s known.

ELSA. I love your relationship. With all your remarks.

PETER. There you are, darling. Elsa loves our remarks.

ELSA (to PETER). You should be more happy though.

PETER. Happiness is misinformation. It’s like being an antelope. Somewhere a lion is watching you.

ELSA. Are you ever in Denver?

DEBBIE. Well, no.

ELSA. Might you ever be in Denver?

DEBBIE. Well – I suppose so, it’s possible –

ELSA. When you come to Denver, I want you to look me up. Elsa Jean Krakowski.

PETER. Well, of course, we’d love to –

ELSA. Promise me – I mean it. Don’t you two dare come to Denver without looking me up.

PETER. If we’re ever in Denver, we will definitely do that.

ELSA. Elsa Jean Krakowski. Promise?

PETER. We promise!

ELSA. Cross your heart?

PETER. Cross our hearts.

ELSA. Hope to die?

PETER.…okay.

ELSA. My husband used to say that. ‘Hope to die.’ Now he’s dead. And people say God doesn’t listen.

DEBBIE.…Anyway. I think Peter is wanting to go and pack.

PETER. Darling, are you wanting me to go and pack?

DEBBIE. Are you getting that sense?

PETER. Twenty years of marriage – it’s like telepathy, but more hostile.

DEBBIE. I’ll help you.

PETER. Will you?

DEBBIE. You can’t be allowed to pack a suitcase on your own – you’ll only get into a fight.

ELSA. You two, go pack. I’m already packed. I’m always packed, because you never know.

DEBBIE. Your friend, Barnaby. I saw him on the upper deck, if you’re looking for him.

ELSA. Oh, Barnaby. I have to apologise for Barnaby.

DEBBIE. Not at all.

ELSA. I hope he wasn’t weird with you.

DEBBIE. No, no –

ELSA. He’s not the man he was, I’m sorry to say. Not since his daughter.

DEBBIE. Oh, I – Sorry, I didn’t – .… His daughter?

ELSA. It’s a long story.

PETER. Yes, well probably we should –

ELSA. Long story. Tragic.

DEBBIE. What happened?

ELSA. I don’t know if I should be saying but just among the three of us…

(Dips her voice, conspiratorial..) …fat.

PETER.…Fat?

ELSA. You’ve no idea. Clinically obese, pardon my language. Lovely girl. Such a pretty face, if you can find it. He’s got a photo in his wallet – he has to unfold it. Like a map.

DEBBIE. You know, I don’t believe half the things you say.

ELSA. You can laugh, but it’s a pain in that man’s heart, believe you me. He’s always had issues with disfigurement.

DEBBIE. I don’t think being overweight is disfigurement.

ELSA. Try telling him that, when his mother had one eye. A one-eyed mom at the school gates. He was so embarrassed. Herding all his friends to the left. He’s still not over it, even now. I tell him and tell him, ‘Barnaby, she’s fine with one eye. If anything it will reduce the impact of your daughter.’

DEBBIE. Stop it! You’re making it up.

ELSA. Ah, Debbie, you’re so sweet, but you don’t know. Some people, they can’t be happy. Like your husband. They think everything is a judgement. They think, ‘Look at my friends, I got the wrong friends.’ Barnaby, he thinks, ‘My mom’s got one eye, my daughter’s a whale with lips – how can they do this to me?’ He doesn’t think, ‘I got people I love, who love me back.’ He thinks, ‘Why don’t I have better people?’ And that’s not because he’s a bad person, I don’t want you to think that about Barnaby. He’s just never known how to be happy. Like you, Peter. Not since he was a tiny kid. With the bedwetting. All the bedwetting. Destroyed his childhood, the bedwetting. It haunts him to this day. It’s a miracle to me he can have a holiday at sea.

DEBBIE. How long have you known him?

ELSA. Thursday.

DEBBIE.…Thursday?

ELSA. In line for the buffet. That was where you saw us, wasn’t it? In line for the buffet?

DEBBIE. Um. Yeah.

ELSA. Barnaby liked you. I can always tell when he likes people. He takes a little shine, I always know.

PETER. Thursday was yesterday.

ELSA. Yesterday. Yes, in line for the buffet.

DEBBIE.…well you certainly… learn a lot about people quite quickly, don’t you?

ELSA. I was telling your husband. I’m people positive. When it comes to people I don’t take no for an answer.

PETER. I bet you don’t.

(Checks watch.) Anyway. I suppose – packing.

ELSA. It’s been a pleasure.

PETER. Yes, it has.

DEBBIE. Great getting to know you, Elsa.

ELSA. Elsa Jean Krakowski.

DEBBIE. Elsa Jean Krakowski.

ELSA. Denver.

PETER. I hope we didn’t spoil your deckchair time.

ELSA. You made it special. Thank you for making it special.

PETER. You’re welcome.

ELSA. You and everyone who sat there.

DEBBIE. Goodbye, Elsa.

ELSA. Oh, let’s not say goodbye. Goodbye makes Elsa sad. Let’s say… ‘Till Denver.’

PETER.…Yes!

DEBBIE. Of course!

PETER. Till Denver!

ELSA. Till Denver, Debbie.

DEBBIE. Yes. Till Denver.

ELSA. You know what? I’ve gonna give you my email address.

DEBBIE. Oh, good idea.

ELSA. Then you can email me, when you’re coming.

DEBBIE. Yes, of course, we’ll do that.

ELSA. Hang on, I got a card somewhere… if I can find it…

PETER. I’m sure we can get your details from… you know, someone –

ELSA. Oh, this is so silly, I can’t find it. I have a card specifically for giving to people. Lots of cards for lots of people.

DEBBIE has pulled out a little notebook and pen.

DEBBIE. Don’t worry, just tell me it.

ELSA. Oh, you’re so lovely, thank you.

DEBBIE. So what is it?

ELSA. I can’t remember. I can never remember it, that’s why I specifically got the cards, in case I suddenly befriend people.

DEBBIE. Oh – well –

ELSA. Write down yours. Then I’ll email you, and you’ll have my address.

DEBBIE.…of course, yes.

She quickly scribbles on the page, tears it out, hands it to ELSA.