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- Herausgeber: Orenda Books
- Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
- Sprache: Englisch
Swinging from South Africa to England: one woman's hunt for her birth mother in an all-too-believable near future in which an antibiotic crisis has decimated the population. A prescient, thrilling debut. 'Combines the excitement of a medical thriller à la Michael Crichton with sensitive characterisation and social insight in a timely debut novel all the more remarkable for being conceived and written before the current pandemic' Guardian 'STUNNING and terrifying … The Waiting Rooms wrenches your heart in every way possible, but written with such humanity and emotion' Miranda Dickinson 'Chillingly close to reality, this gripping thriller brims with authenticity … a captivating, accomplished and timely debut from an author to watch' Adam Hamdy ________________ Decades of spiralling drug resistance have unleashed a global antibiotic crisis. Ordinary infections are untreatable, and a scratch from a pet can kill. A sacrifice is required to keep the majority safe: no one over seventy is allowed new antibiotics. The elderly are sent to hospitals nicknamed 'The Waiting Rooms' … hospitals where no one ever gets well. Twenty years after the crisis takes hold, Kate begins a search for her birth mother, armed only with her name and her age. As Kate unearths disturbing facts about her mother's past, she puts her family in danger and risks losing everything. Because Kate is not the only secret that her mother is hiding. Someone else is looking for her, too. Sweeping from an all-too-real modern Britain to a pre-crisis South Africa, The Waiting Rooms is epic in scope, richly populated with unforgettable characters, and a tense, haunting vision of a future that is only a few mutations away. ________________ 'Engrossing and eye-opening, with heart-stopping plot twists … a stunning medical thriller set in a terrifying possible future' Foreword Reviews 'A touching, gut-wrenching story of family mystery and tragedy … a thriller that punches on two fronts – heart AND mind' The Sun 'Gripping and disturbing … the medical research is convincing, the scenarios plausible, and the story is emotionally engaging. This is an incredible debut!' Gill Paul 'If the themes are dark and topical, the writing is exquisite. Breath held, I got to the finale with my heart in my mouth. Eve Smith weaves a complex and clever tale, merging countries and timelines; the result is a superb and satisfying novel' Louise Beech 'Margaret Atwood is one of my all-time writing heroes and The Handmaid's Tale is probably the best book I've ever read. Eve Smith and The Waiting Rooms really do challenge that long-held crown…' Random Things through My Letterbox 'Thoroughly engaging … an eye-opening read' Crime Fiction Lover 'A novel of our times' Trip Fiction 'Haunting, honest and horrifying in its reality … An epic and thrilling read' Book Literati 'Stunning dystopian debut. A prescient and alarming tale that seems just a whisper from reality' Suzy Apsley 'The Waiting Rooms will certainly distract us from the real world for a few hours and this is the immeasurable value of fiction. It gives hope that, as in Eve Smith's fictitious world, the possibility of a happy ending still exists' Die Burger 'The Waiting Rooms is a seriously impressive debut, a novel that is intuitive and chilling, one that will resonate with all in this current climate' Swirl & Thread
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Seitenzahl: 504
Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2020
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iii
THE WAITING ROOMS
EVE SMITH
v
For Patricia
vi
vii
It is not difficult to make microbes resistant to penicillin…
The time may come when penicillin can be bought by anyone in the shops. Then there is the danger that the ignorant man may easily underdose himself and by exposing his microbes to non-lethal quantities of the drug, make them resistant.
—Sir Alexander Fleming, Nobel Lecture, 11th December 1945
There are already widespread resistance mechanisms in nature to drugs we haven’t invented yet … When we dump a new antibiotic into the environment, we apply selective pressure and resistance grows. We need to be smart about this. Bacteria use antibiotics judiciously. Humans do not.
—Brad Spellberg, MD, November 2019 Dr Spellberg is Chief Medical Officer at Los Angeles County – University of Southern California Medical Center and Associate Dean for Clinical Affairs at USC’s Keck School of Medicine. viii
CONTENTS
CHAPTER 1
Twenty years post-Crisis
KATE
‘Kate? We’ve got a problem. Bed fourteen. Daughter’s just pitched up with hubby and now she’s raising merry hell.’
I glance up. Angie’s at the end of the bed, face screwed tight. ‘The usual?’ I ask.
‘You got it. Notification was sent this morning.’
My eyes flick back to the monitor. Why do they always have to arrive at the end of a shift? For once I wanted to get off on time, get things ready for tomorrow.
Angie starts drumming on the bedrail. It makes a soft padding sound through her gloves. ‘I’m sorry, Katie,’ she says. ‘It’s just … well, she’s pretty worked up.’
It pulls at me, the same old quandary. I could ask one of the others, but these AD meetings aren’t easy. There was a time when they used to upset me; now they’re just part of the daily routine.
‘What time?’
‘Two o’clock.’
I check my watch and sigh. ‘OK. I’ll just finish up here. Give me fifteen.’
A smile breaks out behind her mask. I’m a sucker for saying yes and she knows it.
‘Thanks. I owe you.’ 2
I check my patient’s pulse as his chest teeters up and down. Grey whiskers straggle across cheeks that look like they’re folding in on themselves. Aspiration pneumonia. One bite of food went down the wrong way and he ended up here. If he lasts the night, I’ll ask Angie to give him a shave tomorrow.
I gently mop his face, change the drip and reset the monitor. As I roll him onto his side he mewls like a kitten.
‘Sorry, Mr Harrison,’ I say. ‘I’ll be quick.’ I scan under his gown for bedsores. ‘There, all done.’ I pull the sheets back up and tuck them in. He stares at the floor, mouth clamped shut, but I can still hear that wheezy rattle. I’ve not had one word from him since he arrived. There’s nothing wrong with his cognitive functions. This is a protest. Dying is an undignified business. And he hasn’t signed a directive, so there’s precious little else he can do.
I lean over and touch his hand. Ridged blue veins run across it like rivers. ‘Just rest,’ I whisper. ‘Rest is good.’
His fingers curl away from mine but he shuts his eyes. I wait until his breathing slows a little, until I know the next dose is kicking in. I wonder what he dreams about. What memories he summons. They tried to trace a relative, but couldn’t find one. Looks like no one’s coming to his farewell.
I rip off my coverall and gloves, and scrub my hands, soaping each finger in turn. The lift whines towards me. I key in the code to the sanitation floor, and the metal doors shudder shut. Thoughts of tomorrow creep into my head, bleeding the breath from my lungs. I focus on the numbers, count down each floor until the lift bounces and grinds to a stop.
I turn left to the women’s section and place my feet on the circle. A red light slithers over my eyes. There’s a click as the lock releases. Strange. Never usually works first time. I grab my 3kit from the locker, dump my scrubs in the laundry and turn the shower on full blast. Jets of tepid water spill over my head. I remember when I used to turn that temperature dial up to scalding: now they’re all pre-set. Another lesson we learned the hard way. Not a good idea to let your pores open up, when you’ve done time on these wards.
Soap fizzes on my skin: bursts of lemon overwhelmed by antiseptic. I press my hands against the tiles and rest my head on my arms. Let the water pummel my neck until it’s numb. You don’t just wash off the germs, you leave the rest behind too. So you can become that other person: wife, mother, friend. But today my work isn’t quite done.
I step into the scanner and hold out my arms. A violet beam sweeps over my skin as water crawls down my back. The green circle flashes and the dryer clicks on: I am clean. I pull on my regulation green trousers and white shirt, turn my back to the mirror and scrape the brush through my hair. Reflections are best avoided. After a ten-hour shift, I barely recognise myself.
On my way to the public building, I rehearse what I’m going to say. They’ll ask the impossible, they always do. The next shift is clocking on, and some of the nurses nod at me as they file past. I head into the lobby and press the button for the lift. Just as the doors are closing a middle-aged man prises himself in. His eyes meet mine for a second and drop to the floor. He takes off his glasses with tremulous hands and starts to polish them. He rubs the same lens over and over. As if it might make the difference he needs.
I step out onto plush oatmeal carpet: sheer luxury after all those hours on cold tiles. The man follows me and turns right, down a different corridor. A hint of lavender softens the clinical white walls; wooden-framed prints hang at respectful intervals. 4Trees, lakes and waterfalls. Moss, rocks and flowers. It’s all been meticulously planned. This is, after all, the family floor. The place where we are judged.
Room 15.
My fingers hover over the handle. There’s no noise from within, only the faint hum of air filters. I push my hair back behind my ears and adjust my collar. I take one more breath. And go in.
There’s just the two of them. He’s by the sofa and she’s by the window. The room smells of perfume and sweat. She’s late forties I’d say, maybe a little older. All kitted out in designer skirt, jacket and heels, her hair scraped back in a tight bun.
‘Mr and Mrs Atkinson? I’m Kate Connelly, ward sister.’ I raise my palm, the now-customary greeting. ‘Pleased to meet you.’
No one touches each other’s hands anymore. Not unless they’re intimate.
She dabs at her swollen grey eyes with a white cotton handkerchief that is clenched in one fist. She doesn’t return the greeting.
The husband steps forward, sneaking his phone back into his pocket. His thick brown hair is just about keeping the grey at bay around the edges. ‘Roy. Roy Atkinson.’ He nods his head as if he’s at some kind of business meeting.
‘Sorry to keep you waiting,’ I say. ‘I’m sure you understand, we have to put the patients first.’
She gives a strangled snort. He shoots her a look. It’s the sort of look I get from Mark sometimes.
‘Before we get started, would you like another drink?’ I say. ‘I could organise more coffee? Or something cold perhaps—’
She reels round. ‘I’m here for an assisted dying, not bloody afternoon tea!’ 5
I don’t respond. It’s best to leave the anger there, hanging. Let them enjoy it or regret it before you move on.
‘Sorry,’ he whispers, his eyes scurrying past my face. ‘She’s just, you know … very upset.’
‘Of course, I understand.’ I indicate the sofa. ‘Shall we sit?’ I’m praying he says yes.
He hesitates and takes a seat. She remains standing. A painted thumbnail digs into the web of skin between her left thumb and forefinger. It’s already raw. Soon it will start to bleed.
‘I’m here to answer your questions.’ I address her first and then him. ‘To support you in any way I can, while respecting your father’s wishes. I understand you received the notification this morning?’
He looks at her but she is silent. He runs his tongue over his lips. ‘Yes. That’s right.’
He has nice eyes, I think, a deep turquoise, like the Alboran Sea. Our last holiday before they shut the borders.
He stares at his feet and frowns, as if he’s just trodden in something. ‘My wife and I, we don’t want … I mean, we don’t believe it’s necessary. To make that level of decision. At this stage.’
She is watching me. Waiting for me to speak. I don’t.
‘What I’m trying to say is … well, we feel this is all very sudden. There must be options.’ He sighs, his pockets of words already dwindling. ‘I mean, he must still be in shock; he can’t be thinking straight.’
I make my move. ‘Mr and Mrs Atkinson,’ I keep my voice soft and slow, ‘I understand how difficult this is. But your father has thought this through. It’s not an impulsive reaction to his latest results. He’s in pain. A lot of pain. He’s been preparing for this for a long time.’ 6
She erupts. ‘It’s his prostate, for Christ’s sake! He’s only seventy-three. Surely there’s something you can do?’
She has broken the skin. A dark line of blood gathers in the crease.
I turn to her. ‘Your father’s cancer is advanced. His tumour is what we call T4. That means it has spread beyond the prostate and is affecting his other organs. His Gleason score is nine, which means it is a high-grade, fast-growing cancer.’ Her eyes are fixed on me, jaw clenched tight, as if she’s battling to hold her tongue. ‘He’s no longer responding to hormone therapy. The longer we leave it, the further it will spread.’
‘I don’t understand,’ says the husband. ‘What about radiotherapy? Or at least a blast of chemo? I thought they were still eligible for some procedures.’
‘Even a mild course of chemotherapy would have serious consequences.’
He looks at me like a confused child, mouth agape. People just don’t get it, no matter how many times they’re told. It’s as if they think we’re making it up.
‘All cancer treatments increase the risk of infection,’ I say, trying to be kind. ‘Chemotherapy depresses the immune system. Radiotherapy kills healthy cells as well as bad ones. Surgery opens up patients to all kinds of bacteria. Your father would end up going through considerable pain and discomfort, including some highly unpleasant side-effects for no benefit. Without effective antibiotics, these treatments simply won’t work.’
Tears spill onto her cheeks and carve their way down to her chin. I think of Pen and my chest constricts. This is too soon, much too soon; I shouldn’t have agreed to come.
‘I understand how hard this is,’ I say. ‘But your father doesn’t 7want things to be drawn out.’ I swallow. ‘You have to let him make his choice.’
She buries her face in her hands. The husband tentatively wraps his arms around her, as if she might break. I feel sorry for her, of course I do, but these people mistake their passionate pleas for love. It isn’t. It’s their own grief, getting in the way.
‘You were aware of his intentions?’ I say to them. ‘You were both witnesses to his directive?’
‘Yes, yes, we were.’ He gives me a desperate look. ‘But that was a long time ago. And, well, we never thought that … We never imagined that he’d actually ever have to…’ His voice trails off. It’s like a swear word, dying. Some people just can’t say it.
She steps away from her husband. A wisp of hair has escaped from her bun. She claws it back behind her ear. ‘Convenient, isn’t it?’ At first I think it’s her husband she’s speaking to. ‘Patients shipping themselves off. Unblocking those beds.’ Her words sound swollen. ‘You have targets, I suppose?’
‘Helen. Please.’ He draws in a long, staggered breath. I glance at the clock and brace myself for the next stage of this meeting.
Mrs Atkinson casts her eyes around the room. She gazes at me with an intensity that’s all too familiar. ‘We’re wealthy, you know,’ she whispers. ‘We have money—’
He shakes his head. ‘Helen, don’t!’
She thrusts her hand in her bag and starts tearing through it. ‘We can pay!’ She brandishes a burgundy leather purse with gold buckles. ‘We can give you whatever it takes!’
‘Stop it!’ Her husband snatches it from her. ‘You’re just making things worse.’
‘Mrs Atkinson,’ I say, stepping back. ‘I’m sorry. That’s not only illegal, it’s not even possible—’
‘I know it happens! You look after your own, don’t you?’ Her 8voice slices through the room. ‘I’ve read the stories. I’ll bet you’d do it if it was your own father—’
‘I don’t know what you’ve read, but the truth is that the drugs simply aren’t available.’ I slow things right down, as we’ve been taught. ‘We don’t have access to them in this sort of hospital. None of them do.’
‘You’re lying!’ she shouts. ‘Why won’t you help us? What is it? Don’t we fit your criteria? Aren’t we the right kind of people?’
I’m about to respond, but she cuts in.
‘Is it you? Do you do it?’ Her breathing is quick and shallow; she has composed herself now, channelled her anger.
‘I’m sorry?’
‘Do you kill them? Or does someone else?’
I hold her gaze. My pulse sounds amplified, like Sasha’s heartbeat, all those years ago when I had my prenatal scans.
My eyes flick up to the security camera and back again. ‘If you’re asking me whether I assist patients to end their lives, then the answer is yes.’
She recoils with a suck of air as if I’ve just bitten her. They’re prepared to put their pets to sleep but not their parents. I wish I could show them the horrors of the alternative, but we’re not allowed to interfere.
‘How many? How many have you done?’
I pause, weighing honesty against diplomacy. Almost twenty years since the act was passed. It must be thousands.
‘I’m not sure,’ I say, eventually. ‘I don’t keep count.’
Her eyes widen as her husband darts between us. She shoves him aside. ‘They should lock you up! Murder, that’s what it is. You can dress it up with your fancy names but it doesn’t change what you’re doing.’ 9
‘Helen, that’s enough!’ He grabs her by the arm. I can hear the feet already, running down the corridor. ‘She didn’t mean that,’ he says, flushes of pink breaking out across his face. ‘I’m so sorry, it’s the grief talking.’
I swallow. ‘Mrs Atkinson. I know this is difficult. But if you wish to be present, you’ll have to compose yourself.’
She breaks away from him and thrusts her finger in my face. ‘You know where you’re going? You’re going to hell!’
What do you call this? I think. I look at her red, screwed-up face, the mascara running down her cheeks. I used to rant like her. I used to beat my fists. But it doesn’t do anyone any good. It doesn’t change anything.
The door bursts open and two security officers march in. They move him aside and seize her. She squirms like a feral cat. One of them yanks out the restraints.
‘It’s OK,’ I say, raising both hands. ‘That won’t be necessary. Mrs Atkinson just needs a moment.’
The officer’s tongue pushes round his mouth as if he’s about to spit. He doesn’t loosen his grip. There’s a reason we have the cameras and security up here.
I check the clock and sweat prickles up my neck. ‘Please. Just give her five minutes. Then you can escort them both to the Peace Chamber.’
His eyes fix on mine. ‘OK. But that’s your call. Not mine.’
I hurry along the carpet to the large double doors at the end. I key in the code and the doors sigh open. The Peace Chamber is a beautiful room, a bit like a lounge in a show home: pleasing to the eye but not entirely welcoming. Because it’s never lived in. Plump cushions recline on low sofas with bleached-beech arms; parcels of light stream through white wooden slats onto the walls. A slender-leafed plant arcs towards the window. The 10only imposter is a stubby brown bottle waiting patiently on the side.
I press the remote and violins glide into the room. ‘The Lark Ascending’: one of my favourites. You get to know them all, in time.
I check the volume on the camera and adjust the blinds. Just in time. The lock clicks and an elderly man in a pale-grey suit is wheeled in by two porters. His jacket hangs off him; a starched white collar gapes at his throat. I picture him as he would have been: at a business meeting or perhaps the cricket, his MCC Member’s tie curled snugly around his neck. The porters lift him carefully onto the sofa. One could do it: he must weigh barely more than a child.
‘Good afternoon, Mr Casey.’ I give him my best smile. ‘I’m here to assist you with your directive. Make you as comfortable as I can.’
Watery blue eyes focus through a film of pain. ‘Hello, Sister. That’s very kind. You’ve all been very kind.’ He nods at each of us, the bones pushing out of his face. The porters incline their heads and leave.
‘Is my daughter here?’
‘She’s just coming.’
His eyes drop to his hands. He sinks a little. ‘She doesn’t approve, you know. She refused to see the soul midwife.’
I take a breath. ‘I know. But this is your decision.’
He taps his thigh. ‘She lost her mother, you see. Two years ago.’ The wrinkles on his forehead deepen. ‘It’s hard for her. To have no parents. To be no one’s child.’
My chest tightens. His eyes slide to the brown bottle. ‘Dying is the easy bit.’
I touch his shoulder. ‘We all have to leave our children. I 11know it’s difficult, but this is about you now. You need to prepare yourself.’
I pick up the bottle and scan the label. ‘Whisky flavour, eh?’ He smiles. I give it a good shake.
‘The water of life. Ironic, don’t you think?’ He presses his knuckles together. ‘Does it taste anything like it?’
‘Apparently it’s pretty good.’
They used to give patients chocolate, before. To mask the drug’s bitterness. Now you can take your poison in any flavour or colour you like.
I break the seal and pour the golden liquid into a glass, tapping out every last drop.
He watches me. ‘Well, it certainly looks like whisky.’ Perspiration beads his brow. ‘Got any ice?’
We both laugh just as the doors open. Mrs Atkinson glares at me, but when she sees her father her face collapses. She drops to her knees in front of him and sinks her head into his lap.
‘What’re you doing down there, Helen?’ he says, stroking her hair. He pats the cushion, his eyes glistening. ‘Come on. It may not be up to your usual standards but the sofa really isn’t that bad.’
Her husband goes to help her up, but she shakes him off.
Mr Casey smiles. ‘Stubborn one, eh, Roy? Always was.’ He pulls a handkerchief out of his pocket and gently dabs her cheeks. ‘There, there. Don’t cry. Come on, love.’
Mrs Atkinson heaves out a sigh. ‘You’re sure, Daddy? Really sure?’
‘Yes, Helen. I’m sure.’
The second hand ticks round. I say it as softly as I can. ‘It’s time.’
She hauls herself up beside her father, and he hugs her close. 12
I clear my throat and face the camera. ‘Are you James Robert Casey?’
‘I am.’
‘Do you want to die?’
‘I do.’
‘If you drink this liquid, you will die. Your breathing will stop and then your heart.’
Mrs Atkinson makes a choking sound. His face tightens. ‘I understand. That is my wish.’
I give him the glass. ‘Go in peace.’ He cradles it in his palm, swirling the liquid round.
Mrs Atkinson’s eyes lock on to her father’s, as if the sheer force of her stare might stay his hand. I wish I could tell her that he’s going to a better place. That all this suffering means something. But this is the best I can do.
One second passes, two. Just as I think she’s succeeded he raises the glass as if he’s making a toast and knocks it straight back.
‘Not bad!’ He coughs. He puts the glass down and coughs again. ‘Not quite a Speyside, but better than some.’
She seizes his hand, squeezing the blood out of his fingers. ‘Stop it, Dad. I know what you’re doing. Please, don’t. Not now.’
‘I’m sorry, Helen.’ The tenderness in his face makes my throat swell. ‘Forgive me.’
Tears spill down her cheeks. She nods. Mr Atkinson hovers by the blinds, looking the most lost.
Mr Casey takes a deep breath. ‘Well. I guess this is it.’ He turns to his son-in-law. ‘Thanks, Roy. For all you’ve done.’ He swallows. ‘Look after her, won’t you?’
Mr Atkinson lurches forward. For a terrible moment I think 13he’s going to shake the old man’s hand. Instead he grips his father-in-law’s shoulder, spasms flickering across his face.
Mr Casey kisses his daughter’s head. ‘Remember how much I love you, Helen. How much your mother loved you.’ His voice cracks.
Mrs Atkinson sinks into her father, their fingers still intertwined. ‘I love you too, Daddy.’
The lark swoops and climbs. The woodwind joins the strings, and the music builds.
Mr Casey’s eyes flit around the room as if they are searching for something. His breathing deepens.
‘Daddy?’ Her brow creases. ‘Daddy?’
‘Dizzy…’ he mumbles.
I step closer. ‘It’s alright, Mr Casey. You should begin to feel sleepy. Just close your eyes.’ The numbers on the monitor start to drop. His gaze wanders back to his daughter, but it’s already distant. His eyelids flutter. I see her jaw tremble.
The monitor flashes. His head slumps onto his chest.
I lean over and feel for a pulse. Her eyes meet mine. I nod.
Life is extinct.
She utters something between a roar and a wail. Her husband stands behind her, one hand outstretched. Not quite touching.
I switch off the monitor and the camera as quietly as I can. I whisper to Mr Atkinson: ‘Take as long as you want.’
He blinks at me. ‘How? How did it come to this?’
I have a sudden urge to put my arms around him, to tell him how sorry I really am. But I don’t. Because I haven’t the energy to explain.
And even if I did, it wouldn’t make him feel any better.
CHAPTER 2
LILY
48.
My stomach churns. It’s a Pavlovian response; it happens every time I look at my calendar. Those white paper squares are like a game of Sudoku. Each day has a number at the bottom written in the same black felt-tip pen: the one with a rubber tube around its middle, like those used by infants who are struggling to write.
Forty-eight days until my birthday. The big seven-o.
This is no childish anticipation. Quite the opposite. Cut-off. That’s the expression they like to use. Rolls off the tongue a bit quicker than ‘no longer eligible for treatment’. Elaine used to say that if octogenarians were a classified species they’d be almost extinct. Poor Elaine. She never made eighty. It started with a common cold, and the next thing, she’d got pneumonia. ‘Old man’s friend’, wasn’t that what they used to call it? Or, in her case, old woman’s. I suppose there are worse ways to go. But I miss her. She was the closest thing I had to a friend here. She was the only one who ever got the joke.
‘You’re dead right, Lily,’ she said to me one afternoon, as she contemplated my rows of little white squares. ‘Our days are most definitely numbered.’
I press the pen back into its clip, slip my wrists into the clamps and wheel my frame out in front of me. I slide my right foot forward, my left foot, and stop. I repeat this pattern, again, 15and again, edging along the carpet. It’s an effort, even at this woeful pace, and I can feel the damp spreading under my arms. Eleven shuffles and I make it to the door. I raise my wrist and the sensor flashes. The lock thuds across. Freedom.
I head left, getting into my own slow rhythm: push, shuffle, push, shuffle. Before my cartilage started crumbling I rushed everywhere. I never walked, I marched. It took some adjusting. At first I ignored it, pushed on, despite the pain. I took a few falls. But now I’ve had to accept my limitations. If I have another break, they won’t operate: I’m too close to cut-off. And I’ve seen what can happen, even with minor fractures. Bone infections are bad. They don’t go away. Not without treatment.
A wall dispenser puffs out a chemical waft of jasmine. It doesn’t disguise the acrid stench of disinfectant. I glance at the nameplates as I move past: Dr Elizabeth Miles (Edin). Dr Bill Jackson (Camb). I don’t know why they bother putting up your letters. Must be some marketing gimmick. Professor Harriet Weatherly (Oxf). I knew her: medical sciences, I think. A real pioneer in oncology. Now she’s got Alzheimer’s. See what becomes of these once-great minds? They’re either losing their marbles, or trapped in failing bodies, like mine. None of our knowledge can save us now.
I hear someone coming up fast behind me.
‘Off for a stroll, Lily?’
It’s only Anne, in a hurry, as usual. She’s a good one, Anne; I could have done a lot worse. Carers must be a bit like keyworkers at nursery. You get a bad one, you might not live to regret it.
‘That’s right,’ I say. ‘Fancied a bit of fresh air.’
She cocks her head to one side like a bird. ‘What about the 16grand quiz? Aren’t they about to start?’ Her eyebrows arch. ‘Thought you liked testing the old grey matter?’
I pause just long enough. ‘I do.’
She shakes her head, but I see the crease of a smile as she turns. My rebellion, as always, is subtle: it has to be. But Anne can take it. And sometimes, it’s a relief to be me.
The eye of a camera swivels round above me and back again. I’ve reached Auden. Everything is green here, like the Emerald City. The colours are supposed to help us, in case we get confused. Betjeman is Tuscan orange, Donne is rose pink, and my dorm, Carroll, is jaundice yellow. The San’s plain white, so I’ve been told. That’s where we all end up, eventually.
I press on, battling hot spikes of pain in my fingers. It may be a little further, but Auden has my favourite garden. It’s south-facing, and there’s a bench tucked away in an arbour next to a Boscobel rose bush that gives out the most glorious scent. I stare at the lurid green walls and think of those little pastel strips they used to have, to test your urine. As if we need reminding. I remember when it used to be heart disease or cancer. Now, for women my age, there’s a new number one: UTIs. The infection passes into your blood and knocks out your organs. I’ve taken to drinking cranberry juice. I’m surprised my pee isn’t pink, the amount I put away.
I slump over my frame and flash my wrist. The lock releases and the doors swing open. They tell us all this security is for our own safety, to stop the bad guys getting in. But we know better.
I wheel onto the ramp, digging my frame into the grooves. A warm breeze blows the white wisps of hair around my head like a dandelion clock. I edge along the path, pausing to admire a white gardenia. Mauve and indigo asters nestle amongst feathered daisies; hollyhocks tower over lupins that are 17peppered with bees. Nature continues, despite all. It’s a comforting thought.
I pause by a clump of lavender. My knotted fingers sneak around a stem and claw a few buds loose. We’re not supposed to touch the plants but flowers don’t frighten me. In any case, they’ve all been neutered: genetic variants with no spikes or thorns. I lift the lavender to my nose, and a childhood memory sparks: Grandmother’s furrowed hands, flour and aprons. Sanctuary.
I tuck the lavender into my pocket and gear myself up for the final sprint.
As I lift my frame I hear the crunch of tyres on gravel. I freeze. The other side of that fence is what my grandmother used to call the tradesmen’s entrance, round the back. These days it’s a different kind of trade.
One door slams, and another. I hear talking. Sounds like male voices, but they’re muffled, indistinct. Another door opens and something slides out. My stomach clenches. I flip back to yesterday and run through the faces, using my mnemonic to work my way around the room. It can’t be anyone from Carroll. They were all there. Weren’t they? My hips protest, but I push on, past the arbour, and stab my frame into the lawn.
Footsteps march up the drive and stop. I try to hurry, but my feet keep catching on the grass. I rest a moment, conscious of my heart hammering beneath my patch. It’s about the only thing we’re good for, generating data; there must be terabytes of it, streaming through the ether. As soon as your profile wavers, they send in the heavies. But data has its limits.
I reach the fence. I take my arms out of the clamps and squash my face up against the fake willow mesh that covers the bars. I’m only just in time. 18
Two men emerge from the San with a stretcher; they’re all suited up in coveralls, masks and goggles. A still body lies strapped under the regulation grey blanket. They head towards the ambulance. I say ambulance, but it’s more of a taxi: most of the equipment has been removed. As they come closer, a pale face I don’t recognise lolls towards me and stares with glassy eyes. My heart flutters in my chest like a trapped bird.
The men slide the stretcher into the back, secure it and slam the doors. As they amble back round, one of them starts to whistle. I squeeze my frame so hard that my knuckle bones stick out, a chalky white beneath my skin.
Dr Barrows appears, wearing her trademark white suit and black boots. She takes off her mask and I feel an absurd rush of hope.
‘Stage two: severe sepsis,’ she barks at them. ‘I’ve administered a sedative.’ She hands one of the men a small black screen.
‘Another day-tripper, then,’ he mutters. He scribbles something and hands it back. ‘Forms completed?’
‘They’ll come up when you scan her.’
Both men hop into the front. They drive off, small cuts of gravel flying out behind. The rear windows of the ambulance gaze back at me like skeletal sockets absent of their eyes.
I say the words in my head like a prayer:
I hope Dr Barrows pumped her full of Valium.
I hope she reaches stage three.
I hope her heart gives out before she arrives.
I want to turn and run, run like I used to, the wind screaming past my ears. But instead I push myself up, hook my wrists into the clamps and shuffle back to the path.
When I reach the arbour I do not stop.
And I do not smell the roses.
CHAPTER 3
KATE
‘You alright, Mum?’
The room slides into focus. Sasha is peering at me, her eyes inscrutable behind their long, thick lashes.
‘Yes, love. I’m fine.’ I gaze at my wine glass. Surprisingly, it is still full. ‘It went OK, didn’t it?’
Sasha picks at the tablecloth. ‘Yeah.’ She sucks in her lips. ‘Gran would’ve loved it.’
Someone breaks out into high-pitched laughter, which reverberates around the room. It all feels too sharp, too loud. A bit like I’m stoned.
I reach across and stroke Sasha’s cheek. It’s still slightly damp. ‘You read beautifully.’ My hand betrays me with a tremble, and I snatch it back. ‘Have you eaten anything?’
Sasha’s lip curls. ‘Buffets aren’t exactly my thing. What about you?’
I contemplate the remnants of sandwiches encased in cellophane wrappers, scattered over platters like fallen soldiers. ‘I think your dad got me a plate, but I haven’t really had a moment. People want to talk, you know. Anyway, I’m not that hungry.’
She shakes her head at me and tuts. ‘Not a good idea to skip meals, Mum.’ Sasha loves to mock my many cautionary sayings. At least I glimpse the hint of a smile.
She folds her arm into mine and steers me back to our table. 20It still amazes me how she’s managed to get so tall. My daughter looks down on me these days; I shall never get used to it. At least her eyes haven’t changed. They’re the same startling blue they were when they first squinted out at the world.
‘Look who I found,’ Sasha says triumphantly, as if I’ve been caught playing truant.
Mark pats the chair next to him. ‘Get over here,’ he says. ‘I bagged you two vol-au-vents and three chocolate brownies before the vultures swooped in.’
Their kindness strips me bare. I stare hard at the food until my eyes behave. My plate looks like an advert for bad parenting.
‘Funeral diet.’ Mark nods at me. ‘Scientifically proven. The body craves sugars and saturated fats.’
A smile breaks through and I unclench, just a little. I drop into the chair and wonder if I’ll ever be able to get up. Mark leans over and kisses me on the cheek. I breathe him in: that wonderful scent of soap and skin that makes me feel safe.
‘Well, everyone seems to be enjoying themselves, as per the brief,’ he says, running his fingers slowly up and down my back. ‘In fact, I’d say the bar is getting a pretty good hammering.’
I take in the white linen, the polished cutlery and glass. Strange, how these fripperies still convey a semblance of order.
One of the waiting staff approaches our table.
‘I’m sorry to bother you, Mrs Connelly. But some of your guests were enquiring about where they should send the donations.’
I stifle a sigh. Why can’t people follow simple instructions? ‘The details were on the order of service,’ I say, trying not to snap. ‘It’s the Antimicrobial Research Fund.’
Mark pushes back his chair. ‘You stay put and finish your food.’ He squeezes my shoulder. ‘I’ll take over duties from here.’ 21I press my hand over his. I can’t quite bring myself to let it go. He eases out of my grasp. I watch him walk across the room and feel a twist of love.
I bite into a pastry and survey my guests. Women glide past in radiant dresses and heels; men huddle in herds of striped shirts and jackets. You’d think we were all off to the races. There’s just one couple in black, by the buffet, looking uncomfortable. I listen to the buzz of conversation and inhale a heady mix of wine and perfume. Pen would have approved. But something is starting to nag. Something’s not right.
As I reach for my wine a woman in a turquoise maxi dress swoops onto the seat next to me. It’s my old school mate, Jess.
‘Dear Kate,’ she says. ‘How are you?’ Silver hoops shudder in her ears.
‘Jess. Thanks for coming.’
She holds out her arms. ‘May I?’
‘Of course.’ She clamps me between them, and I try not to stiffen. How long is it since I’ve seen her? Funny to think we used to be close.
‘I thought the service was amazing. You did your mum proud. And as for Sasha, she did such a good job, didn’t she? I can’t believe how grown up she is! What can I say? The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree!’
My mouth stretches into a smile. If only Jess knew.
She leans closer and lowers her voice. ‘Mark told me what happened. He said you were at work when you got the call.’
I feel the familiar swerve in my chest. ‘Yes. Yes, I was.’
‘So good she didn’t suffer. But still, I can’t begin to imagine.’ She chews her lip, and I know what’s coming. ‘What was it like? Do you mind me asking? You know, when she went…’
An image of Pen drifts into my mind, her hand cupped in 22mine. Those intelligent eyes fading, her jaw going slack. I don’t know how long I stayed, after. Long enough for her cheek to feel cool when I kissed it. The warmth in her fingers fed by my blood, not hers.
I clasp my palms together. ‘Peaceful.’ I look down. ‘It was what she wanted. Before things … deteriorated.’
Jess gives a solemn nod. ‘Christ, it’s hard. Guess I’ve got all that ahead of me.’ She sighs. ‘Still, she knew what she was doing. Thank heavens Mum’s already signed. I tell you, I’m going to scrawl my name across those papers the moment I hit seventy.’
I don’t say anything. It’s a bit like having children. Until you go through it yourself, you have no idea.
‘Hey, I loved that one you told about Pen dancing. What a lady! Did so well, didn’t she? Seventy-nine!’
I take a long, slow breath. Jess is an intelligent woman: a secondary-school teacher, and a good one at that. But it’s as if she’s forgotten. How things used to be. I deal with death’s grim reality for a living, but I still feel robbed. Pen was healthy enough: as sharp as a pin before the pneumonia set in.
She clocks my face and her smile wilts. ‘You must be exhausted, Katie,’ she says quickly. ‘Shall I get you a coffee?’
I nod. I have a sudden, overwhelming urge to lie down, as if she’s cast some kind of spell. I let my lids close, just for a second. When I open them, Jess is halfway to the bar, stilettos stabbing the parquet floor. And that’s when I get it. I realise what’s wrong.
When I was a child, the sending off of the departed was a big family occasion. Hordes of elderly relatives and friends would emerge in a flurry of hats and pearls, ferried like royalty from car to church to pub. I remember them reminiscing with watery eyes, conjuring ancestral names and discussing each other’s 23ailments with glee. Like some ancient court ritual, Pen would parade me in front of them, as cigarette smoke swirled around our heads. A wrinkled hand would reach through the haze and ruffle my hair, or a wavering voice might ask about school.
I look around this room, with its disinfected surfaces and purified air. There are no elderly hordes here. No reminiscing huddles.
No one in the room is over seventy.
I’m sprawled across the sofa, watching something mindless. We only got back a couple of hours ago. Mark made me a good old-fashioned shepherd’s pie: that man knows how to spoil me. With the price of real meat these days, even your basic mince is a wallet-buster.
‘There you go,’ he says, handing me a fresh glass of pinot grigio. ‘Get that down the hatch.’ He slumps down next to me, and I stretch my legs out over his lap. God, it’s good to be home.
I swirl the wine around the glass. ‘You know who was missing today?’ Mark gives me a blank look. ‘Lucy.’ I smile. ‘Pen used to call Luce her other daughter. She was so good to her. Always let her stay, no questions asked.’ My smile fades.
Mark squeezes my foot. ‘Not sure how Lucy would have gone down with the bridge crowd, though.’ I chuckle. Luce would have ambushed that reception.
We sit in silence for a while. ‘So, then,’ he says. ‘Have you given it any more thought?’
I gaze at Mark, bleary-eyed. ‘What?’
‘You know.’ He traces his fingers over the sofa. ‘What Pen said.’ 24
It takes me a moment. ‘Oh. That.’
I stare at the painting above Mark’s head. It’s a Dorset seascape: rich curls of green and silver crashing into cobbled walls. How many summers did Pen and I spend on those beaches? Sasha wasn’t allowed near a beach until she was six. Even then, the sea air couldn’t entirely be trusted. I paid through the nose for a spotty pink mask so at least her swimsuit would match.
‘Or is it none of my sodding business?’ He raises an eyebrow, a smile playing around his lips.
‘Don’t be so daft,’ I say, pushing my foot into his ribs. I try to think how I can stave off this conversation, but my brain’s too frazzled. I press my fingers against the cool glass; loops and whorls materialise and vanish. ‘I’m not sure. I mean, it seems … disloyal, somehow.’
Mark peers at me over the rim of his glass. ‘Disloyal? But Pen was the one who suggested it.’
I notice the dark circles under his eyes. He loved Pen; it’s taken its toll on him too.
‘I know, but that’s Pen. It’s exactly the kind of thing she would say, worrying about us all, right up to the last. It doesn’t mean it’s what she really wanted.’
Mark doesn’t say anything. I foolishly think we’re done.
He takes a breath. ‘Maybe Pen knew something.’ I take another swig. ‘She said it would be a good thing, Kate. A kind thing. Before it’s too late.’
‘Look, Mark, I just don’t know if it’s a good idea. Let sleeping dogs lie and all that.’ My toes stretch and contract as if they’re limbering up for something. ‘I mean, even if she’s still alive, I doubt she wants me turning up on her doorstep, not after all this time.’ 25
‘Sorry, babe.’ He touches my arm. ‘Typical me, storming in as usual. It’s your decision, of course it is. It’s just…’ He swallows.
‘Just what?’ It’s not like Mark to tiptoe around.
‘Well, if it were me…’ He risks a glance. ‘If I’d had a child, and I’d had to give it up for whatever reason … I think I’d like to make my peace.’
‘What are you two talking about?’
My head shoots round. Sasha is standing in the doorway.
I wrestle myself into a sitting position. ‘How long have you been there?’ The words spill out, sharp and shrill.
‘Long enough.’
My eyes squeeze shut.
Mark jumps up. ‘Your mum and I are having a little chat. Just the two of us, OK?’
I can’t see behind the sofa but I imagine Mark giving her the wide-eyed ‘come on, love, play along’ look.
‘There’s some wine in the fridge, if you fancy it,’ he adds: a sure sign of desperation.
Sasha ignores him. ‘Mum?’ Just the one word.
This is my fault: I should have told her I was adopted years ago; I don’t know why I didn’t. I never lied, it just didn’t come up. I won’t ever lie to my daughter again, no matter how hard it is. That’s the rule I set myself, after Ellie – the first of her friends who died.
Mark catches my eye. I shake my head, ever so slightly.
‘Let’s not do this now,’ he says, hands outstretched as if he’s refereeing. ‘It’s been a long day. We’re all exhausted.’
Sasha doesn’t move. Her pale forehead creases into a frown, and I glimpse the six-year-old Sasha, thumping the kitchen table, asking me why.
She’s back to school tomorrow. But still I hesitate. I don’t 26want this to change things, the way she sees Pen. Or worse, force me into a decision I don’t want to make. Pen was always there, from my earliest memories, and before, right from the start. As far as I’m concerned, she is my mother. My heart clenches. Was. God, I wish Mark had never brought it up.
Sasha’s lips tighten. ‘Do I have a sister?’
I stare at her, mouth open, like an imbecile. ‘I’m sorry, I—’
‘You were talking about a child,’ she says. ‘About giving up a child.’
It hits me then. I mean, really hits me.
I remember how I felt after I got pregnant with Sasha. How Mark and I agonised over that decision: how careful we had to be. Even if you survived the TB, all those other infections were just lying in wait. Metritis, peritonitis, septicaemia. It’s hard to believe how cavalier mothers used to be. As if having children were a right, not a gift.
I would have killed anyone who tried to take Sasha away.
‘No, love.’ My voice splinters. I heave myself up. ‘Mark, go and get that wine, will you?’ I grasp my daughter’s hands in mine. ‘Sit down, Sasha. There’s something I need to tell you.’
CHAPTER 4
LILY
‘Morning, Lily!’
I hear words, but they are distant. I am running. Running as fast as I can.
‘Wakey, wakey!’
The layers of sleep fall away as I shift from that world to this one. The thumping in my chest subsides. I peel back my eyelids. A fuzzy outline moves past the window. The curtains open, and I blink back the light.
‘Alright, Lily?’ It’s Anne. ‘You were having a right old moan. Bad dream?’
I lift my hand to my face. It is wet. I stare at the wallpaper and focus on the flowers. There are four species in this pattern: common daisy, English lavender, wood forget-me-not, and an English rose I can’t be sure of. I suspect they’ve made it up.
Anne presses the remote and the bed whines into action, pushing me upright. ‘How are you feeling? Everything back to normal?’
‘I’m fine,’ I say, fingering my chest. ‘Probably just a bit too much sun.’
They checked my patch yesterday, after my little episode. That’s the price you pay for 24/7 real-time analysis.
‘Well, make sure you wear your hat next time. Don’t want to take any chances, do we?’
No. We do not. 28
I adopt a benign smile as the bed completes its moves. Anne whisks back the duvet and I haul my legs over the side. I don’t look down; the sight of my limbs appals me. Anne wheels my frame over and fits my slippers onto my feet.
‘Ready?’
I nod and place my hands up on the bar like a gymnast. Or rather what pass for my hands these days. Fingers should be straight and slender, with smooth pink skin; oval nails with little white moons. Mine resemble something a child might draw: swollen and crooked, with knotty lumps like the growths you see on trees. I still can’t believe they’re mine. Perhaps it is my punishment.
‘One, two, three.’ She helps me to my feet. There, I am standing.
‘Right then. Shall we commence morning rituals?’ She pulls on her gloves; they snap around her wrists like a slap. ‘Morning rituals’. That’s my expression; Anne’s adopted it. I’ve invented my own vernacular for the daily humiliations of ageing. It occupies the mind, and the carers seem to like it.
I fit my wrists into the clamps and hobble towards the bathroom. As I wheel onto the linoleum I can see she’s already got the bedpan ready. I manoeuvre myself round, lift my nightdress and start to pull at my pants.
‘Here, Lily, let me help.’
Anne reaches forward and, with one professional yank, sends them careering down my legs to my ankles. She helps me lower myself onto the seat.
‘Ooh, that’s cold,’ I say.
‘Would you like me to warm it up for you next time?’
‘That would be nice.’ Our little joke.
She leaves me to it. That’s Anne for you. Some of the others, 29they stand there, watching, as if you’ve waived all rights to privacy. They expect us to perform like battery hens, so they can get on with their day. I make sure I take an age when they do that. I refuse to pee on demand.
‘Finished?’ she asks, outside the door.
‘All done.’
She comes back in and helps me up. I shuffle to the basin and rub soap into each finger. Anne has a kind face, I think, not that I can see much of it right now: broad cheekbones, hazel eyes. At least she takes off her mask after the all-clear. You entrust these people with your life, but I have no idea what some of them look like: you only ever see their eyes.
‘Who was it yesterday?’ My thought escapes before I can censor it.
Anne screws the lid on the specimen pot, a scowl pulling at her cheek. ‘Are you asking what I think you’re asking, Lily?’ She rips off her gloves and drops them in the bin.
I swallow. ‘I heard them come. When I was in the garden.’
Her breath catches. She shakes her head. ‘Lily, you know I can’t.’
I offer my hands up to the sanitiser and smooth the gel over my lumps. ‘Sorry, it’s just, I was wondering … you know…’ As my voice trails off we both know what I’m really asking.
Her mouth makes a clicking sound. She walks over and whispers in my ear: ‘NC. But you didn’t hear that from me, understood?’
I nod, despising myself for the relief I feel. NC: not contagious. Whatever infection carted that poor woman off to the Waiting Rooms isn’t coming for me yet.
‘Right then, onto the next one,’ says Anne, trying to muster some cheer. 30
I shuffle past the walnut credenza that belonged to my grandmother. They still haven’t fixed the crack in the glass. I turn myself round and reverse into the chair, inching backwards until my calves touch the seat. I wave my hands out behind, feeling for the arms, and lower myself down. Anne watches me, close by. I grunt a little just before my bottom hits the cushion.
‘Bullseye!’ She snaps on another pair of gloves and wheels the trolley over. She takes my left hand and uncurls my forefinger. ‘Shall we use this one today?’
‘Why not?’
She slips a heat pad on it for a couple of seconds and picks up the lancet. ‘Ready?’ I nod. The lancet punctures my skin like a stapler. Anne holds the tube underneath, gently squeezing my finger. My blood drips out, a deep crimson. When it reaches halfway she releases the pressure. ‘There we are, all done.’ She sticks a label on the tube and slots it into the tray next to the other one, ready to go up to the lab.
‘I’ve got some news for you,’ she says.
My stomach thumps. Please, don’t let her be leaving; I won’t get another like Anne.
‘We’ve a new one starting next week. Her name’s Natalie. She’s going to be working with me on Carroll.’
I’m almost giddy with relief. ‘Oh. What’s she like?’
‘Seems nice enough. A little quiet, maybe. Don’t worry, we’ll have her trained up in no time.’
I eye the specimen tray and decide to risk it. ‘Well, as long as she isn’t another Pam…’
Anne frowns at me as if I’m a child who’s just said something mildly amusing but naughty. ‘Now, now, Lily. She’s alright really. Got a lot going on, that’s all.’ She sighs. ‘What with her mother and everything … The poor woman’s in a terrible state.’ 31
‘Oh. I’m sorry.’ It’s easy to forget that our carers have their own elderly relatives to contend with. ‘How long has she been ill?’
‘She’s not ill.’ Anne purses her lips. ‘Not yet, at any rate. But the place she’s living…’ She shakes her head. ‘She’s moved to one of those apartment complexes, you know.’ She glances at me. ‘For the elderly.’ That’s code for over seventy. ‘They’re really not nice.’
I’ve heard about these places. I even visited one, once. They market themselves as affordable retirement villages, but they’re really just holding pens for the Waiting Rooms: cheap, soulless flats with precious little in the way of health services or infection control. But cracking surveillance. The moment a profile dips, or somebody’s chip goes off grid, security’s there like a shot.
‘Don’t say anything, will you, Lily?’
‘Of course not.’ I wonder why Pam’s mother isn’t living with her. I’m about to ask but I check myself. One step too far.
Anne wheels the trolley to the door. ‘I’ll see you later. Try and eat some of your breakfast.’
I watch the door close behind her. The lock thuds across. We have to stay in our rooms until we get the all-clear. I don’t mind, it’s quite nice having breakfast in your nightie. It’s just the waiting. They carry a heavy responsibility, those little samples. No wonder we struggle to get our eggs down.
I pull my tray round and use the pen to tap the control. A blue screen lights up on the wall. ‘Radio.’ I enunciate each syllable. Lots of people predicted the demise of radio, but, like me, it has endured. The list of stations appears. ‘BBC Radio Four.’ I hear the familiar pips and think back to a world long gone where things seemed to be under control. The illusion won’t last. It’s the news. 32
‘The opposition has launched a scathing attack on the government after yesterday’s figures on the economy were released.’
‘Here we go,’ I say. I often talk to the radio. It’s a lot more rewarding than most of my conversations.
‘The report showed that the slump is set to continue, with the budget deficit at its highest point since the Antibiotic Crisis. The government defended its position, arguing that any reductions in healthcare spending or arbitrary policy changes would be “highly irresponsible” and that recovery would be “a long-term process”.’
I brace myself as they cut to an interview with the prime minister.
‘We live in a time when we have had to make some extremely tough choices.’
‘Indeed we have, Mr Prime Minister.’ I dig my nails into the chair. ‘Tougher for some than for others.’
‘This government pledged that we would subsidise investment in new antibiotics and diagnostic tools. We promised to enforce responsible usage and rigorous infection control. We have kept those promises and we will continue to do so. Because we owe it to our children.’ There’s a rehearsed pause that makes my blood boil. ‘We must never allow another antibiotic crisis.’
I give a contemptuous snort. Too little, too late. How many warnings did they ignore? For all their bluster, it took a global TB pandemic to finally spur Westminster into action.
The door unlocks, and a whiff of eggs permeates the room. Pam slouches in with that surly look that spells trouble, so I mute the radio and keep my mouth shut. I try to think of something nice to say, but she slaps the tray down with such 33force that a stream of cranberry juice squirts out of the beaker’s spout.
‘So, what’s on the menu today?’ I ask, attempting to sound jolly. The hardening yolk of a boiled egg glares at me, like a gammy eye.
She makes a sucking noise, as if she’s got something stuck in her teeth. ‘Pancakes.’ The way she says it sounds like a swear word. And I have a shameful thought. Maybe this is why Pam’s mother isn’t living with her.
Pam turns to go. ‘Oh,’ she says, digging in her pocket. ‘This came for you.’ She thrusts a small white envelope on my tray.
My birthday’s still a few weeks away, but I suppose someone might have got confused. A tide of cranberry juice advances towards the envelope, so I flick it to one side. Part of me is tempted to rip it open straight away, but if I don’t eat while the food’s at least warm, I won’t stand a chance.
I stare at my plate. The pancakes look like mottled flaps of skin, oozing honey. I hook my fingers around the fork’s plastic handle. After a couple of attempts I spear a slither and raise it to my lips. My stomach loops. I put it down and pick up the beaker. I drink the juice down to the last drop, savouring the tartness on my tongue. As I steel myself to attack the egg my eyes wander back to the envelope.
The address is printed: black, Times New Roman, I’d say twelve point. London postmark. I rub my thumb along the edge and think of the diminishing straggle of cards bearing increasingly illegible scrawls. It’s probably just another begging letter. A ginger cat with big eyes and amputated claws, or a child with a swollen stomach. Either that or funeral insurance. I slip the fork under the flap and tear. After a couple of attempts, I prize it out. 34
It’s as if I’ve been slapped.
I scan every detail: the broad, square lips, the conical ears, the ridges of skin that are like plates of armour.
My fingers stumble as I turn the postcard over. It’s blank. Just a few empty lines where the message should be.
A high-pitched whine sears through my head. This could only have been sent by one person.
But they died, nineteen years ago.
CHAPTER 5
Twenty-seven years pre-Crisis
