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Pink tutus, magic, sarcasm, amulets and bushfires: this is suburban fantasy in Australia.
Life is never quite what it seems, even without the lost family heritage delivered to Judith and Belinda. Judith wants an ordinary life... mostly. If Belinda weren't Judith's sister, and if it wasn't for bushfires and bigots, Belinda's life would be perfectly ordinary. Judith will tell you so; you don't even have to ask.
Belinda's friend Rhonda has a superpower. Each time she sees the future or reveals deep secrets, seekers for the 'New Nostradamus' come closer to destroying her life. Her hold on normalcy is very fragile; so is her hold on safety.
Judith and Rhonda are haunted, Judith by her past and Rhonda by her gift. Will they ever come into the sunshine and find happiness?
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Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2022
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Judith’s Epilogue
Acknowledgments
Next in the Series
About the Author
Copyright (C) 2021 Gillian Polack
Layout design and Copyright (C) 2021 by Next Chapter
Published 2021 by Next Chapter
Edited by Stephen Ormsby
Cover art by CoverMint
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without the author’s permission.
This book is dedicated to the National Council of Jewish Women of Australia and to the late Helen Leonard. They opened many worlds to me.
Some of those worlds peek into this book.
Ghosts haunt. Vampires appear softly from dark corners. Spirits look you in the eye and shock you into questioning your existence. Ideas stay wedged inside you, safe and happy.
Unless your name is Rhonda.
If your name is Rhonda, thoughts slide out of dark corners to drink your blood. If your name is Rhonda, ideas make you wish you were never born. If your name is Rhonda, the history that you study is the lives and futures of the people who listen to you.
If your name is Rhonda, then everything has consequences. Even thinking.
Judith’s life was turned inside out by a phone call.
“Hey, you.” The voice was light, bright and very familiar. Her sister.
“Hi, you too. What’re you ringing up about at this unholy hour?” Perkiness ought to be canned and sold to tourists, not put on the phone at 7.30 a.m., thought Judith.
“I got a big delivery from Dad last night. Registered.”
“From Dad?” Judith was impressed.
“He coughed up Great-Grandma’s stuff. He sent it all to me.”
“You could have rung me after work.”
“Couldn’t. Had to check with you about what you want from it. My friend Rhonda says she can drop the stuff off tonight. After work.” There was a smile in Belinda’s voice.
Judith decided, irrelevantly, that she would dye her hair green. Saturday. Zoë will love it. Definitely green hair.
“Besides, I can’t ring later because I’m going on that bloody field trip.”
“You’re needed.”
“I’m not needed for any reason apart from maybe advanced child minding. Make up your mind about what you want.”
“I have no idea what Great-Grandma left. I have no idea why no one has touched it for fifty years. And I’ve no idea why Dad has sent it now. I have no mind to make up.”
“Sorry.” Belinda’s tone was unrepentant. “There are two tea chests of papers, and a bunch of other things stacked in with them.”
“What sort of papers are they? I assume you looked?” Judith’s voice of many colours showed every feeling. At this moment it was harsh as sandpaper.
“You assume correctly.” The grin was now audible. “One is recipes and household hints.”
“That’s yours, of course.” Belinda only told Judith about it so Judith could say it was hers.
“The other chest is much more mixed.”
“Send that one here, then. I can make the kids look.”
“You’re always giving your kids loads of things to do that you hate, because it’s good for them.”
“Too right.” It was Judith’s turn to be unrepentant. “I’m developing their characters.”
“What are you going to do with your box of paper?”
“I’m not going to make a recipe CD,” was Judith’s firm comment. “One lunatic in the family is enough. I’ve often wondered why Mum never opened the boxes, and maybe there is a letter or something in there that’ll explain.”
“You should’ve asked,” Belinda chided.
“I should’ve asked?” The words exploded out of Judith fast enough to splatter right down the phone line to Canberra. “You mean you know why Mum just left everything in the garage?”
“Of course I know.” Now Belinda’s tone was definitely older-sister-knows-all-family-secrets.
“Tell! The Bloody Enormous Family Secret, and my even bloodier sister has known it forever. Tell me!”
“Not forever, just since Mum was dying.”
“Oh,” and Judith was chastened. Sometimes I hate me.
“Grandma had problems with her mother,” Belinda said. “Mum never knew what. But Mum was being loyal to her mother when she rejected her grandmother. Her papers got packed into tea chests to wait for us to become reasoning adults: we should have had it twenty years ago.”
Judith wasn’t a reasoning adult twenty years ago, she was a lovelorn fool. She stifled the memory.
“So there still is a family story that you don’t know.” Judith was determined there would be.
“Yes, there is, I suppose,” Belinda admitted. Her thoughts took her a bit further, “You know, I think the family story might be Ada herself. I mean, what sort of person leaves such a strong intellectual legacy to her daughter, and all the cooking, and . . .”
“And is hated down two generations?” Judith had to state the obvious. Her generous mouth scrunched in bitter memory.
“I’m not sure it was hate, that’s the thing. Maybe it was fear. Maybe it was lack of understanding.” Belinda sounded quite hesitant.
She wanted to know. Belinda’s answer had really just stated what they could have worked out for themselves.
“Could it be the religion thing?”
“It’s not the religion thing.” Belinda said firmly.
“I suppose.” Judith was dubious. She sighed. She realised she’d just accepted a box from Belinda because Belinda had the other box. Some things never changed.
Rhonda looked a bit familiar, but Judith couldn’t place her. The long brown hair, the refusal to look her direct in the eye? Surely they had met? The way she bustled reminded Judith of herself, although Rhonda seemed so much less certain of everything. And this was the sum of her observations, for Rhonda was in and then out.
Belinda thought about family history all day and reported back with a quick email. All she could remember was that Great-Grandma had earned her own living successfully. She had come from a big Anglo-Jewish family, earned enough money to hire a chauffeur and everyone was jealous. Of the chauffeur, presumably. Then she married at the ripe age of thirty. Then she divorced. Somewhere along the way she paid her daughter’s university fees.
That was all.
Why did she marry so late? Why did she only have the one daughter? Why on earth had she divorced? It seemed a hugely improbable thing to do in the early 1900s. It had been tough enough for Judith a century later.
Judith kept wondering. All the other great-grandmothers had surnames. How was it that her mother’s mother’s mother was Great-Grandma? She was never Ada, always Great-Grandma. Great-Grandma loomed large. A colossal shadow.
Belinda emailed Judith the minute she got back from camp. She had decided to try calling Great-Grandma GG, to see if that changed her presence somehow. This was done purely with intent to irk.
It worked. “GG is such a stupid thing to call someone,” Judith emailed back. “I don’t even call the Governor-General that when I feel malicious. It always makes me think of the rhyme my kids have both said when they were young: what is a hungry horse? MT GG.”
In one way Linnie is right — our minds are MT about GG. Damn, acronyms are catchy.
The profession of history produces mundane beings that drink a great deal of coffee and talk far too much. Rhonda told herself this. Every day. She especially told herself this on days when the clouds bloomed like dull dreams, as they did on the way back home after her Sydney outing.
Technically, Rhonda heard voices. Rhonda would deny that.
Rhonda was in denial about everything she could define clearly enough to say, “I deny.” She was in denial about her relationships and about the link between her history and whatever strange abysm of time it reached into. She was in denial about her social life and about her career prospects. She was even in denial about her looks, changing them and her clothing style and her hair whenever she had enough money for a do-over. She would deny her big toe if she could.
Rhonda was very good at denial. She admitted it, frequently. “I am like Pharaoh,” she would say in an online discussion, “I am in de-Nile.” The only thing she wasn’t in denial about was being in denial.
It’s about time I told our story. Judith’s and Belinda’s. Belinda and I have many secrets. Some of these should never have been secrets.
It’s my fault.
It never seems to be the right time to tell them. Zoë is only eleven after all, and her father is entirely okay. It’s not his fault we’re no longer married.
So. I’m convinced. I will bare all. Well, maybe not all, maybe just large chunks. I will bare those large chunks in this daring exposé. That reads like an advertisement for a King’s Cross establishment.
You may be Nick. You may be Zoë. You may be someone who has found this on the internet. I don’t know yet.
My life is a soap opera. A soap opera with magic. But however soap opera-ish it becomes, it’s my life. And everything I write is true. That’s a really important part of who I am. From my politics to the strange noises in my bathroom — they’re all a part of my mundane existence.
The next day, Judith opened her document. Secret Stuff, she called it.
Belinda is my big sister. My shorter big sister. Who is a bloody natural blonde. Every time I see her I want to dye her hair mouse brown. She got the hair and the legs and the figure, and I got the men — did I say she is the one with all the luck? Except I got Nick and Zoë.
Zoë says to write nice things about her. She’s peeking over my shoulder. I’m asking her what to say. She says, “Tell whoever how good I am at dancing.”
She is wonderful at dancing. I made her a costume with lots of frills and she looks gorgeous in it, pink and gold and a giant smile, all twirling radiantly round the floor. She’s also very good at school, when she remembers to do her homework. Which, for the girl-child reading over my shoulder, is NOW.
She’s gone. Now I have to remember where I was up to. It was somewhere important.
TVwhore: Baa baa meme sheep
TVwhore: MissTRie, I have a crazy little meme for you. Now is the hour. If you don’t leave a comment I will leave one for you. Bwahahah. PS I am not guilty of cruel and exceptional torture. You don’t have to ask anyone else — just me. My meme!! Me me me me
Meme: 4
Leave a comment, saying “me too”.I will respond with five questions.You’ll update your journal with my five questions, and your five answers.Who’s your favourite comedian? Voltaire. He was a comedian, right?If you could choose a new career, what would it be? Underwear saleswoman. Just think of the perks!What is the one thing in the world that scares you most but you wish you could do? I wish I could stop lying. Ha ha. Really, though, I’m scared of trusting anyone too much.What’s your favourite TV show? The truth? I love watching talent shows. Any talent show. Even the ones that have been so obviously rigged you can predict the winner three days in advance.Describe your ideal man? Blue eyes. I love big blue eyes — they give me a sense of a man who can gaze into infinity. Wiry. Intelligent. I need intelligent. Maybe even brilliant. A mad scientist, perhaps? Also, someone who shares everything. Funny — not too sober and serious — not someone who wants to change the world: I want to laugh. A charming and sharing and funny mad scientist with blue eyes?MissTRie was Rhonda’s fan fiction name. She used it for the blog and for when she wanted to share stories. Her history-writing name was Dr Jane Smith. As Dr Jane, she wrote semi-serious articles for semi-serious people and had a developing reputation. Her field was mostly eighteenth century history, though she played around with Ancient Rome, with the nineteenth century and with almost anything literary, given half a chance.
Woman can’t live on history articles alone. Woman wished she could. When the non-fiction wasn’t paying, she took on temp work.
Every time she wrote an article she felt torn between a sense of relief that history was still permitted in her life and a sense of pain that pop history was not the stuff she ought to be doing. But there were consequences and causes. Rhonda was full of consequences and causes. Bloated with them. Mysteries, too. Mysteries and consequences and causes: Rhonda’s daily existence.
Rhonda’s July history article had possibilities. ‘Possibilities’ was such a glorious word; it opened up tempting futures. Dr Jane Smith with her own regular column. If the small piece attracted comment and if people enjoyed it, she was told, she would be asked for a set of ten articles. Rhonda pulled every bad joke she could out of the woodwork for her fun little article. She included extra one-liners, met her deadline, then waited anxiously for the result.
The editor pronounced by email, “Jane, this neat little piece works. I am tempted to try you on meatier stuff.” Rhonda found herself discussing the contract for a series even before reader opinion started to emerge.
All Rhonda had to do, the editor said, was write about a particular book. She owned the book. She knew the subject. Rhonda went straight for an online chat binge to celebrate.
In the interstitial moment when her computer and the chat room were deciding if they liked each other, she checked all her online places. Most of her favourites were on another site, which collated feed so she didn’t have to web surf. Rhonda the Geek. One of the two jokes she permitted herself on a regular basis. Only she knew she was Rhonda the Geek.
As she scanned the list for updates, Rhonda made a momentous decision. She felt very brave as she added a single current events source to her live feed. If it worked out, she could think about moving back into the real world. She hoped she could. She really, truly did. She didn’t hope too hard though. When hope failed, life hurt.
Rhonda contemplated her daily reading thoughtfully and made a less momentous decision: the rest of her life would be literary and historical and fannish until she was certain that the last month was not a blip. Last month was the pattern card for all months. If it wasn’t a blip, maybe she could watch TV news or, even more daringly, buy newspapers again. Newspapers would be good. Judy Horacek’s mopey feminist cartoons. Return to civilisation.
Rhonda was so very happy to finally have history to write. There was something inside her that needed history. Geekdom was her hiding place: history was her reality. It was a vocation, pure love, intense almost beyond bearing.
She knew that life without studying the past was a mockery, because she had been living recently in that hollow world. Now the drought had broken: good pay, easy writing, and fun stuff to put together. What more could she ask for?
And it wasn’t proper research. She was pretty positive that it was original research that prompted the rumblings. Being an historian, not just writing about history.
Her first article was a summary one, telling about the strangeness of history and the interesting man who had described some of the oddest strangeness for Europe. By the end of it, she felt she knew Charles Mackay personally. It was his style, she decided. She should make her next online persona a Mackay one.
That would be an incredibly stupid and mildly dangerous thing to do. Mackay could be linked to Dr Jane Smith and her learned and faintly witty articles. She banished the thought.
She emailed that first article to the journal editor and the journal editor changed a few words, said it was good, and committed to the series. Rhonda signed a contract. Great inner glee. More inner glee still because, in all that time, Rhonda didn’t have a single daft dream. Only household dreams. No compulsions. Not a single ‘must do’ except for chocolate.
“And chocolate,” Rhonda reasoned, “is not a compulsion — it is a necessity.”
Work that day was unexpected. Judith found herself composing an explanation of it in Secret Stuff.
“I’m not on diet!” Nick said, when dinner wasn’t ready.
“I’m thinking of your future,” Judith reassured him. She renamed her file Secret: Women’s Stuff.
Here I need to note a nuisance, Judith had written.
He dropped into the gift shop to buy a present for a lady friend, and spent a long lunch flirting with the Boss and myself and every female who walked past. He’s drop dead gorgeous. One of those Hugh Grant types; brown and sexy, with eyes that self-deprecate wistfully and give the lie to all the catty things that emerge from the mouth.
The Boss flirted. When her boyfriend dropped in for a cuppa and ran into our new client, the Boss developed a fit of the conniptions. Instead of getting rid of the guy, she pushed him my way. He and I teased each other enthusiastically for a little, then someone asked about amethyst crystals and I forgot him.
He came back today. He asked why I had given him the brush-off.
“I didn’t give you the brush-off,” I said. I was very kind and very patient and very professional. “I had another customer.”
His eyes took on an evil cast. I wondered if he was an axe murderer. I asked him. He laughed, bought something for a lady friend, and left.
Rhonda’s time online was innocently spent talking about knitting patterns with Starchild. Rhonda located Starchild a pattern for a knitted beanie that looked like a plucked chicken. Phased made jewellery and wasn’t interested in knitting patterns, but she teased Starchild about the wearing of plucked chickens.
Rhonda felt meme-ish. “I have a meme,” she posted, as MissTRie, “and I am tapping Starchild and Phased and TVwhore to answer it:
If you had to give each day a scent, what would it be and why? Here are mine:
Monday — rose geranium because it is my favourite
Tuesday — sassafras because sassafras reminds me of the US and Tuesday reminds me of the US
Wednesday — sandalwood because Wednesday leaves me hot and bothered and sandalwood is cooling
Thursday — petit grain because I feel eighteenth century on Thursdays and petit grain belongs in the eighteenth century
Friday — marjoram because it calms down those end-of-week stresses
Saturday — lavender because I like it
Sunday — frankincense so I can skip going to church.”
TVwhore must have been online, because she answered almost immediately. “God, you’re a tease, MissTRie. I can’t think of seven scents. Yes I can. Dammit, why don’t you ask the same things everyone else does? I can tell you my top movies? okay, here are my scents:
Monday — dung because I feel like dung on Monday mornings
Tuesday — formaldehyde or crushed ants because I feel stepped on every Tuesday
Wednesday — sweat because that’s what I smell of
Thursday — shit because that’s what I feel like
Friday — stale beer because that’s what everyone round me has been drinking
Saturday — heavenly incense because I am not at work
Sunday — sleep, I smell sleep.”
MissTRie: “TVwhore, do you know how mean you are?”
“Heh, yes. I am outstanding at it.”
“Me! I want to do the meme!” Starchild had obviously just come online.
TVwhore: “You need permission?”
“Not from you :P”
“Don’t poke your tongue out at me, dearie, the wind might change. And MissTRie, if you don’t stop laughing I will do evil things.”
“How did you know I was laughing? You are psychic.”
“Just psychotic.”
“Starchild’s list of amazing scents:
Monday — fresh air (it has a smell, no?)
Tuesday — baby powder (a pink smell)
Wednesday — plastic shopping bags, melted in the sun (a messy smell)
Thursday — hot wool
Friday — roasting chicken
Saturday — something green. Saturday is my garden day so it has a green smell but I don’t know green smells.
Sunday — lavender.”
A while later Phased added her piece. “Sorry I missed you all. I have the same scent every day. I love old scents, like violets. TVwhore, I think I should send you some to cover up the dung and shit. MissTRie, do you have an oil burner?”
Rhonda forbore to say that it was her oil burner that had inspired the meme. The meme had energised her to write a new fanfic, letting her online friends into her private dreams about her current favourite TV show. Rhonda felt almost fairytale-ish. She had reached happy ever after, finally. Before her thirty-fifth birthday, at that.
Charles Mackay was obviously her good luck piece. She put away her small purse and replaced it with her old, giant handbag so that she could carry his book with her. Her private demons would be at bay. Forever.
September came. A wet month. Full of green smells.
Rhonda was surprised to find that her life was still sane. Rain puddled down and she puddled round the house, eating macaroni cheese. No waking paradigm shifts and no weird vistas of the world. Rhonda could get up in the morning and yawn and be grumpy until she had her coffee. Normal. Boringly bloody normal.
She could even reread Good Omens without thinking how very lucky Agnes Nutter was. She still added rebelliously, My filing systems are better. Her filing systems were better. Many computer files, cross-referenced to the umpteenth degree were so much better than old card-index files. Rhonda the very smug Geek.
Rhonda went out and bought two dozen extra instant meals to celebrate. Rejoicing needed, after all, to be done with a certain flamboyance. Instant meals were a tool that Rhonda used to create and maintain her zone of normalcy. They reminded her that other people’s lives were mundane. Like the essential oils reminded her that other people’s lives had a weekly rhythm. She put ‘rose geranium oil’ on her shopping list — she got through more of that and of the lavender than all the other oils combined. Some days were longer than others.
The instant meals worked differently to the oils. Nothing to do with rhythm. The instant meals all tasted artificial. They had been recommended to her by two of her favourite beings on the planet, so they were emotionally sound. She never bought the gourmet ones. Cheap was part of the grand design. Normal. Boringly bloody normal. Boringly bloody entirely ecstatically normal.
Rhonda’s September and October articles were both appropriately scented with frankincense, because she did them on the same day. They were parts one and two of a quick overview of the aspects of the book she would not be writing articles about.
The Crusades, for instance. The journal didn’t want the Crusades as a separate piece, because they were planning an issue next year that would be entirely Crusading in theme. The editor hinted that she might ask Rhonda for a piece then, if any of their other authors fell through. She could do it, too. There was nothing to hide. Not a damn blasted thing. Her life was awesome.
A few days later Judith rang Belinda. “Don’t forget you’re going to Melbourne next weekend for the high school reunion,” she said.
“I forgot.” Belinda sounded annoyed.
“I thought you had your airplane booked and your ticket for the evening function and everything done months ago? I thought you always did everything way in advance.” Judith’s tone of voice was not nice.
“I do, and I have. I forgot all about it. I’m only just back from the excursion. Plus I hardly slept. Keeping an eye on the nocturnal activities of excursing kids is thankless and sleepless.” Belinda’s next thought was clueless and tactless and had obviously come out of her mouth without going by way of her brain. “You know, you can take all the tickets. I don’t really want to go.”
“No,” was Judith’s reply. She nearly put down the phone.
“No, I’m busy, or just no?” asked Belinda.
“Just no. I can’t possibly go to the reunion. For one thing it’s your year, not mine. You were entirely enthusiastic about it, just two months ago. And for another, I left Melbourne for a reason.”
“Damn. I forgot he was in my year. How could I forget such a thing?”
Judith heard the worry lines. “Because he wasn’t in class with you? Because he mostly acted like a normal human being when you were near?”
“I shouldn’t go,” Belinda thought aloud. “That’s another reason not to go.”
“Don’t be stupid. He won’t do anything. Just don’t give my address out. Besides, he might not even turn up. Who knows what he’s doing these days? Besides earning loads of money as an engineer.”
“He ruined your life,” Belinda said helplessly. “I don’t want to see him.”
So wear a blindfold, Judith thought. “Ring up one of your old friends — go in a group. Safety in numbers.” She wanted Belinda to start living again. For fifteen years she had sublimated herself. Fifteen years. It was time.
“I just keep thinking about what you were like when you ran from him. You were scared. So very scared . . .” Belinda’s voice tapered. “I keep remembering how violent he was, and how no one would listen or believe what you were telling them. I remember Nick crying and crying and crying at my place, and both of us jumping at sounds.”
“I was lucky to have you to run to, and that you protected me through the worst, and that you were prepared to move. I was lucky because of a whole heap of things you did for me. Other women aren’t so lucky.” Judith’s hand was shaking. Hands shake — it is one of their main functions in life — everyone knows this. Besides, Linnie can’t see it.
“Other women not being so lucky has nothing to do with this school reunion. Gods, I can be stupid.”
“Well, no. I was so careful not to remind you, you know.” Judith’s grin was a bit twisted at her exceptional tact. And how wasted all this tact was proving. “Besides, I wouldn’t have been a feminist for years and years probably, if I hadn’t seen what was happening to other women when I was in the shelter. Just think what the world would have lost without me bugging everyone to let women have equality. And safety.”
Damn. I should not have said ‘safety’. Dangerous word; unsettling connotations. Please, Linnie, forget I said ‘safety’. Please.
Judith tried again. “I help other women because I know how a woman can be hurt.” She used her most sincere voice, the one she kept for people needing the most serious of convincing. “Also how little most people know about it or even care. Besides, I can’t bear to think of you not going simply because of him.”
“So you want me to go just to prove that he hasn’t had any effect on our lives?”
“That’s right,” and Judith smiled. Nothing like a mild deception. She wanted Belinda to see her old friends, and to spend time with Dad. “I’m not ready to be in his face yet — but you are. You’re my big, strong sister. You can control young hooligans in the classroom; you can control him at a formal dinner.”
“If you really want me to go, I’ll go. But I will ring up some people and go in a group.”
“That’s good. I like that.” Inside Judith did a little-girl leap and clapped her hands with glee.
“You want us to reclaim our lives, don’t you?” Belinda asked this with her voice just very slightly quaking. “Sort of like reclaiming the night?”
“I do,” Judith said. “But gently. We have complete and happy lives where we are now.” Another half-truth. “But looking through Great-Grandma’s things made me think that we’ve cut ourselves off from our past because of him. One bloody man.”
She intentionally let some inner anger creep into her voice. Gods, what a brilliant performer I am. I should have gone into TV soaps. “We should have been able to spend more time with Mum when she was dying. We should be able to go to Melbourne and be tourists. And Dad should be talking to both of us. Both!”
“He wouldn’t do anything, you know,” Belinda said, “Not in public.”
“I know this intellectually, and you know this intellectually, but neither of us knows it inside our gut.” Gods, this is tough. “I’m not saying that you should do anything dangerous. I’m saying what I said when you got sent the information about the school reunion. I’m saying we have a right to renew old friendships, without being scared of one bloody bully. Who needs his brain rearranged. And his genitals. You’re right — it wasn’t as big to him as to us, and you’ll be one hundred per cent safe.”
“And you want me to soften things up and test the waters, because I’m less vulnerable.”
“Dammit, Belinda.”
“I’m right, aren’t I?”
“Yes, you’re absolutely correct. I want to reclaim our past.”
“Then I’ll go. I will enjoy myself. But don’t expect to hear from me till I get back. Part of the problem is everyone around us underplaying that sort of thing, isn’t it?” Belinda’s voice was softened when she thought aloud. “It gets made tiny. Unimportant. Each time someone does that, we’re smaller. Us. As if your life and maybe even Nick’s life were never at risk.”
“Now you’re sounding like me.” Odd. Their pain had made Belinda a closet feminist. “The trouble is not just domestic violence, though. It’s women’s stuff. And women’s stuff is supposed to be petty and small and inconsequential. Even when it’s the whole world.”
Judith pulled herself up. Occupational hazard, she admitted, silently, I do tend to sound like people’s nightmares of a political lobbyist. I’m linguistically deformed.
“Secret women’s stuff,” smiled Belinda. “Secret because most people don’t want to know about it. Society doesn’t want to face the canker in its midst.”
“Or wants to blame us for the canker. I get that a lot — surely we’re to blame if we get knifed or bashed up.”
“So I’m a feminist and it’s all your fault,” Belinda mulled.
“You’re a feminist and it’s society’s fault. And you should help me change society.”
“No, I should not. I have my own garden to cultivate.” Belinda was very pleased at her French joke.
Judith stuck out her tongue, since Belinda couldn’t see.
“But I’ll go to the school reunion for both of us.”
That was something. Judith wished her sister would plant some politics along with the petunias. “Cautiously.”
“Very cautiously.” Then her tone of voice changed utterly, “I nearly forgot, how is your GG box going?”
“It’s very much women’s stuff. It is Ada’s thoughts on all sorts of things, as far as I can tell. I can’t make sense of it at all.” Judith didn’t want to talk about it. For once, she was not actually trying for secrets. Secretive happens all by itself in my life. I bet I was a classified file in my previous existence; now that I’m a higher life form I just think like a classified file.
“So now you’re challenged, you want to make sense of it?”
“Yes. I’ll report to you when I work out what she thought she was doing.” And stop reading my mind, Judith added, internally. My mind is private, damn your fourth toe.
“I’ll report to you when I come back from Melbourne. At least I don’t have to read Hebrew to do my report.”
“But I don’t have to read Hebrew. That’s the weird thing. Bunches of the stuff are in English. And I had a question for you — I’d completely forgotten.”
“Yes?”
“Did GG’s stuff include a scrapbook?”
“There’s one of those late Victorian scrapbooks, with poems and pasted pictures. Is that what you mean?”
Silence. Judith’s foot stopped in the middle of a tap and poised above the yellow lino. “It may be. I need to see it.” Judith admired how she tempered her own enthusiasm.
“I was saving it with the other big things, for us to check over together. But I can post it to you if you want.”
“I don’t trust the post. We’ve had lots of stolen mail recently. When you get a few minutes, would you mind checking?”
“Wait a tick and I’ll get it now and talk you through it. I put it on the bookshelf because it looks impressive.”
“Show-off.”
“Absolutely. Be right back.”
Rhonda was in a chatroom. She came in partway, identifying herself as M44M, which she did quite often. She knew quite a few of the people in a casual way, and they thought they knew her. To be strictly honest, they thought that they knew a married male age forty-four.
Sometimes she watched for a bit until she got things sorted out inside her head. She needed to make sure she didn’t use British English or pure Strine when she was supposed to have an American voice, for instance. She wanted to watch and wait now, but this BB person wouldn’t leave her be.
“How are you? I am glad to see a new person here. I am looking for new friends. I am thirteen and live in Milwaukee.”
Bzz. You are the weakest link. This BB was a fake.
Then he started asking her questions. If he were a thirteen-year-old, maybe they would be normal questions. But he used English, not geekspeak. Whole words and correct spelling demonstrated adulthood. Rhonda wanted to fade at once, but in her supreme happiness and a certain stubbornness about maintaining it, she stayed on a little.
“I am a superhero,” the false teen boasted. “Does anyone here have secret superpowers? Do you have secret powers, M44M?” BB asked.
“?” asked Rhonda, as M44M.
“The secret power I have is to spot people who tell lies. Talk and I will tell you if you are telling me lies.”
“He is doing this to everyone,” StayTuned messaged privately. “Invent something. Kool sez he is govt. Checking chat rooms. Kool swore vengeance — hates being stalked.”
“Stupid git,” Rhonda said back. “Not you, Kool — BB.” Kool had joined the private chat just in time to see the ‘Stupid git.’
Just as well she hadn’t fled one room and gone to another if he was checking a bunch of places. She would have looked guilty as hell. Courage was its own reward. “Know what he wants?”
“Kryptonite?” suggested Kool.
“LOL. Thanks.” Rhonda said, and closed the private window. Laughing out loud was a good way of finishing conversations before they got anywhere. It was funny, in its way. Her personal kryptonite was idiots, like the one who was now saying, “I heard a rumour.”
“Rumour?” asked Sekritmax.
“Someone comes on here and predicts the future. I want to test my power of truth on them.”
“I wish,” said Rhonda as M44M. “My wife would put a stop to it though.”
“Why?” asked Kool.
“Against her religion.”
“My wife sez that,” answered Secritmax, “when I do anything she hates.”
Everyone dutifully LOLed.
This was one of Rhonda’s favourite chat rooms. People who dropped in mostly avoided txt. There wasn’t much smut. Nice folks. It would be really sad if she had to drop it.
Maybe BB was just some kid who read comics. That’s what she would have thought three years ago. Except there were too many BBs. Sometimes they asked about witchcraft, sometimes Nostradamus, sometimes they talked about prophecy, sometimes they dropped big hints about secret powers. Not all were as direct as BB. Rhonda hated it.
Anyway, she herself had had no incidents for three months now. She was very proud of this. There was nothing to hunt her down for. Not a damned thing. Life was joyous.
Not a soul had ever linked her history-writing to her incidents.
It would be a tough link to make. Publishing was an art, not a science, and it was the deadlines that brought out her inner demons, not the date the publication reached its audience. The nature of the industry she was in was a protection, and the nature of the net was a protection as well.
Just to be safe, every name she hid behind was an extra layer of protection. Rhonda felt safer with extra layers. Voices and layers and layers and voices. Protection.
She hated it. She hated it and herself quite vehemently every second she spent making coffee and every microsecond she spent crossing the floor and sitting down and coming back to the chat room. She hated her spider fascination with the web and that she watched BB and his questions as if she were a rabbit caught in headlights. She hated her mixed metaphors. Rhonda was so busy self-hating that she didn’t make her de-Nile joke.
She drank her coffee slowly, the bitter taste reminding her of all she had that was worthy of sustained hate. Rhonda hated remembering ten years back, when her marriage had fallen to pieces because she couldn’t tell her husband the simple truth. When she had lost everything.
All that wrongness.
She hated it that her friends were all hidden behind the keyboard, with no real names or faces or family. She hated not having children. She hated.
The superhero writers and the superhero cartoonists and the superhero film makers never understood the creep and the under-skin crawl of being different. Not a single one of those writers and cartoonists and film makers. Not a one. There was no damn way she was going to stand up and correct them. Coming out of the dark would hurt more. Far more.
Rhonda hated herself most of all. Every time she let loose a vision, she hated herself. Every time she predicted the future, she hated herself. Every time she lost control over her mind and her fingers, she hated herself.
Then her thoughts went back to where they had been in her late twenties. Drugs. Each and every time, she thought about drugs. Suppressing instincts through partaking of forbidden fruits. She hadn’t even enjoyed the fruits. Addiction was not part of who she was, because it was too much like being at the beck and call of that inner self she hated so virulently.
Still, drugs promised forgetfulness. That was the theory. They had done nothing good. No oblivion. No happiness. Not even respite. They had lost her the junior lecturing job.
Mind you, that last was a blessing in disguise, because those trawlers and seekers would have found her. University-based scholars are on display and their publications are known. So now she was drug free, and had been for years. And she was secret. And she was safe. Buried in her layers of protection. Secure.
She thought of BB with malice in her heart and decided that she had earned her safety. She told the chat room “Gotta go — the wife beckons,” and left BB to his idiot questions: she had hung round in the background long enough so that it had looked like she had been listening. She could come back and play again in the electronic sandpit with all her little virtual playmates.
Thank God, Rhonda thought, after the bitterness had finally left her mouth, Thank God for Great-Aunt Mabel. If GAM had not seen Rhonda’s marriage dissolve she would not have left Rhonda her house and an annuity. Great-Aunt Mabel had not known about the drugs. Or the weird at the centre of Rhonda’s soul.
Or had she? Sometimes Rhonda worried about what GAM had known. Rhonda had never confided to her about the weird at the centre of her soul, but that might not have stopped her guessing.
Rhonda remembered when she held the letter from the lawyer. She had looked down at it in her hand, the soft rustle of the paper telling her it was real. Some dogged part of her had made her ring the lawyer to find out if it was a cruel practical joke.
GAM had left her enough that Rhonda would not starve. All she needed was temp work or those articles and she was fine. Not rich, but able to manage.
It had been like something out of a story, being left an inheritance just after her whole life had collapsed in a heap. Rhonda decided to swear off fiction forever in case she saw herself reflected inside. Then she repented. It was too much like swearing off life: she had already given up so many other things.
That was when she realised that she still hated. The hate wasn’t just directed at BB and his questions. It wasn’t just directed at that thing that lurked in her soul and came out of hiding to destroy her life just when it was convinced things were normal. Rhonda listened to her internal voice and realised that the voice of hate had become very strident. It was drowning out the real person.
There was no need. August and September had been good. Those articles meant she hadn’t had to go to the temp agency and talk to Mr Ick. They had also meant she could write the history her soul craved without becoming the person she feared becoming, without falling into the snare of prophecy. Life was good, despite idiots.
It was so good in fact that she found the courage to talk about her history article on her history message board.
“I’m back, with book.” Belinda said this declaratively, a big announcement. “Why did you ask about it, anyway? I don’t remember telling you that there were any books. Or did I?”
“I don’t remember. I asked because on a bunch of pages there are notes, and some say to see the book.” That was all Judith gave away — and even that was grudging.
“This book is so gorgeous.” Belinda’s voice oozed sensual joy. “Great-Grandma wrote a lovely clear copperplate. I’m going to scan it and do a colour printout for you, I think. Oh! The first and last sections are all the same sort of stuff, but the middle sections are different. It’s a big book, brown and gold and black—”
“I don’t need to know that,” Judith complained. “Just the contents.”
“Just the contents, then.” I could hear her bloody smile. Damn her gammy knee. She was ‘Linnie’ for that smile, not ‘Belinda.’
“It has some lovely die-cut things stuck all over.” Judith was going to warn her off again, but Belinda said, “Ooh!”
“What is it?” Judith asked.
“Little snippets from newspapers,” Linnie replied, “And handwritten quotes, and I just found some die cuts of Egyptian gods. I was admiring them.”
“Admire them in your own time. Tell me about the newspaper cuttings.”
“There’s a nice black and white picture of Victoria in early middle age.” Belinda waxed very enthusiastic. “This book is a treasure.”
“And it sounds as if Great-Grandma was a treasure of bad taste.”
“You’re wrong. All the sentiments in here are normal for the period. Very sickly, I admit. Patriotic and romantic and full of strained eloquence. But mainstream, very normal. I saw all the same things in the Victorian literature stuff I did whenever. It’s a nicely presented book — gorgeous pictures, nothing crowded, all carefully placed for best effect — very good taste in fact, for its day.”
Judith wrote this up, later: I had forgotten Lin’s little excursus into Victoriana. It was a very long time ago, after all. A prior hobby. But now it was useful. Knowing how normal Great-Grandma was helped a lot. She was part of mainstream society in at least her scrapbook self. Well, the first section of her scrapbook self. Good taste and carefully placed for best effect.
“There’s a poem about Victoria from Punch,” said Belinda.
“Victoria again. Is she all the way through it?” This was supposed to be a rhetorical question; my voice indicated this fact undeniably.
“She isn’t — this poem is to the State — not to the Queen.” Belinda always answered my rhetorical questions.
“Oh,” said I, the epitome of wit and intelligence.
“It’s rather Gilbert and Sullivan. It has things like “Where Englishmen work well together/Under divine Italian weather” and “Australian waters shall not feel/The cleavage of a hostile keel.” Do you want me to read the whole thing?”
“Gods, no,” and I shuddered. This was not at all what I was expecting. My Great-Grandmother the bloody patriot. Or was that bloody Patriot? My ancestress the missile? Even thinking about Victoriana elicits bad jokes.
“Is it all like that?” I asked.
“Sentimental and sappy?”
“I meant mainstream, normal, fitting in. The good taste and the rest of it.”
“Hang on a tick, let me look a bit more. She has some humorous things from newspapers too, listen: Seeing is not always believing. There are many men whom you can see and yet not believe.” A moment and then, “This is curious.”
“What?”
“Lots and lots of anti-male stuff. That was one of a whole lot of quotes and extracts. I wonder if she did this before or after her divorce? Or even before she was married? It might say a lot about her.”
“Can you tell by the dresses and things?”
“Bother it, Judith, why didn’t I think of that?”
“’Cos I’m the clever sister,” I needled. I wanted to see that book.
“It’s nineteenth century. She must have made it either before she married or not too far into her marriage.”
“You’re certain?” This was puzzling.
“Pretty certain. Dress styles changed heaps, and there are even crinoline jokes here. So it can’t be past the first decade of the twentieth century and most of it is not even nearly that.”
“You’re not making sense.”
“I know,” and she stopped a moment to recap. “The trouble is that the dress styles here are mixed — it looks as if GG shoved things in together. It’s like she found a bunch of old postcards and cuttings and pictures, and pasted them all artistically in a nice book over a few weeks. Some of it is very 1880s, some of it early Edwardian. But it was put together at the same time.”
“Huh?” By which I meant, of course, ‘How do you come to that conclusion?’
“Everything’s on the same pages. I mean, the earlier and later cuttings are all together. They don’t seem to have been pasted in the scrapbook in date order.”
“Um.” My turn to think. “That’s the first section — how about the last?”
“Much the same. Gorgeous pictures, nice layout. Mixed in date.”
“Anti-male?”
“Mostly,” Belinda admitted. “Except there’s this strange poem that reads two ways. One way it’s in praise of marriage, and the other way it’s against marriage.”
“Surely that’s anti-male?”
“Not if it’s misogynist.”
“It’s a press clipping?”
“No, it’s exactly the same hand as all my recipes. She wrote it, all right. I think GG had a sick sense of humour.”
“So do I,” I said, wholeheartedly. “But what do you mean about the two ways of reading?”
“I mean if you read it line by line it says one thing and if you read it alternate lines it says the other. There are instructions to make sure you read it both ways.”
“Strange woman, your ancestress,” I commented.
“Yours too. Let me read you the first bit,” was my sister’s kindly answer.
“That man must lead a happy life
Who is directed by a wife
Who’s freed from matrimonial claims
Is sure to suffer for his pains.
Adam could find no solid peace
Till he beheld a woman’s face
When Eve was given for a mate
Adam was in a happy state.”
“And now the other way round,” she was unstoppable, so I didn’t even try. At least it was only two verses.
“That man must lead a happy life
Who’s freed from matrimonial claims
Who is directed by a wife
Is sure to suffer for his pains.
Adam could find no solid peace
When Eve was given for a mate
Till he beheld a woman’s face
Adam was in a happy state.”
“Isn’t it lovely and horrid?” she enthused, sounding exactly like her niece. I bet Zoë would like it too, at that.
“Why on earth is it there?” I wondered.
“Maybe she was mocking herself? Maybe she was unhappy? Maybe she had a warped sense of what was clever? Just like you.”
“Life is a mystery,” I declared. “Maybe she put it in there to distract everyone from the anti-male stuff?”
Belinda laughed. “The only other thing in the end section is a note in her hand, but I can’t read it. There’s a lot of writing crammed very small.”
“Damn,” was my carefully considered reply. It took at least two seconds to find the exact phrase I needed. “And double damn. I would love to know what that note says.”
“I’ll get back to you on it,” she promised.
“Thanks. I doubt if any of the rest of what you have described is what I’m after,” I was disappointed. “It doesn’t match.”
“What doesn’t it match?”
“I can’t make sense of it without the other half. It’s kind of like one of those treasure maps from pirate stories.”
Belinda knew something was up, because she didn’t give me the middle section instantly. After a long pause she finally, finally, finally said, “Wait a second, let me tell you the middle section. Just in case it helps. It’ll just take a moment to find it.”
It was a long moment. I bet she had her finger in it the whole while, seeing how long she could keep me waiting.
“It’s handwritten and hand drawn. No cut-outs of any sort, no newspaper articles.” She was serious. A bit surprised.
“So it’s different?” I asked.
“Very different. Firstly, there’s a long, long list of dates.” Finally. “It’s headed ‘Fumigation’ and GG has two women’s names — one against some dates and the other against all the later dates. There’s a little picture of an eye next to Fumigation.” Belinda’s voice had taken on a querulous tone. “It has nothing in common with the other stuff.”
“Go on.” This might well be what I was after. I felt very proprietorial.
“There’s a heading called seals, and a bunch of sketches?”
Yes!Maybe even Bingo!
“Can you scan me that page?” I tried to control my voice, but a little excitement may have seeped out. “Soon?”
“Not until after Melbourne. There’s no time.”
“Dammit. I’ll just have to wait. Is that all?”
Those pictures existed. Goody goody gum drops. I was so thrilled I was in danger of sounding like Zoë.
“Not at all. There’s a diagram of a hand. I guess she was into palm reading?”
“Chiromancy.” Here I was admitting things I hadn’t known about until I had looked at Great-Grandma’s papers and then done web research. I know what chiromancy is. Be impressed. Be very impressed. And yes, Nick made me see the Addams family movies about twenty times. With his own money. I wonder what he was trying to tell me?
“Is that what it is?” Belinda was teasing. I will never understand why she doesn’t want to know everything instantly like a sane person.
“Since I have to wait forever for a copy, can you tell me quickly what the major lines are on the hand?”
“A week or so is not forever. Anyway, there’s a life-line, a wisdom line, a table line and a line that’s marked fate or health. Before you ask, there’s no explanation, and I’ve never read a palm in my life.”
“Damn, I’m going to have to look that up.” This necessitated a writing pause.
Which gave my sister time to think. Which produced the inevitable question. “Why?”
“There’s something funny about our ancient ancestress,” I said.
“Not just her daughter hating her?” Belinda was politely inquiring. I would lay big bucks on her having seen the papers were not recipes and then saying ‘for Judes’ to herself.
“No. She might have been quite mad. Or she might have been doing strange investigations. Or she was very gullible.”
“So you’re happy to have got that box.”
“Oh yes. Exceedingly happy. This is terrific stuff. Very strange. Totally wacko. But fabulous.” See, it all came tumbling out. Despite the bloody smug tone in my sister’s voice.
“Do you want the other pages?” Innocence bloody personified.
“There’s more?”
“Yes.” Increasing amounts of smug.
“Then yes please.” Very staccato. It was easier to say ‘yes please’ though, than to call her lots of names.
“There’s a picture of a face with lots of lines.”
“What does it say about the lines?” I thought it was the facial version of chiromancy. There was a version of it in the nineteenth century according to my sources. ‘My sources.’ Hah.
“Nothing, it refers to a page on physiognomy. I can’t see it in the book.”
So much for my future as Madame Judith, the fortune teller. Nick would be relieved. “Must be one of the loose ones then.”
“Oh!” This was a huge excitement from her. Unexpected, but rather nice.
“What?”
“There’s a nice diagram of the ten sefirot. I like that. I didn’t know anyone in our family knew anything about Kabbalah.”
My bubble burst. This was not as much fun as chiromancy.
Sefirot? Kabbalah? I knew the second word. It was something Jewish. Madonna studied it. Big deal. Lots of things were Jewish. “I’m not even sure what Kabbalah is.” I said this with the grandest reluctance.
“It’s a Jewish philosophical tradition. I would have sworn that this sort of thing was not something our family might care about. I only know about it because it is a sort of craze here in the Jewish community right now. I’ll find you a book on it, or an article.”
“Your community thinks it’s made up of popstars,” I dismissed, airily. “You’re certain it’s Kabbalah? And what’s a sefirot?” My self-esteem was being dented by this conversation. I would get even.
“The plural of a sefirah.” Oh, but she was enjoying this. Little teacherly corrections gave it away. “Nothing else it could be,” she continued. “But I can check it out. I do like this diagram, you know. The tree of life. I will check it with a friend who teaches basic Kabbalah, and find out how standard it is. I bet he would love to see it. And he knows how very secular I am, so he won’t try to press me into doing anything more than social stuff. People think that any curiosity means instant synagogue attendance and keeping nicely kosher. Ultra-super frumness. Not even for you will I go that far.”
“Can you do it without showing him the whole book?” And would she not ask tough questions? Please let her not ask tough questions.
“Of course I can. I can scan the page or copy it by hand. But why bother?”
“I don’t know.” I admitted. “Maybe I don’t want us to admit to having descended from a lunatic?”
“Fine. I’ll copy it out by hand and just ask if it is the usual diagram or not.”
“Thanks. And you’ll tell me what on earth a sefirthingie is at the same time?”
“Sure, can do,” and I could hear the bloody smile in her voice.
“Is that all?”
“There’s a bit more,” she said. My emotions kept swinging from low to high — I wished they would stop — they were making me dizzy. “The next page has a hand of God. At least I think it’s a hand of God because it says ‘hand of G’, a triangle with Hebrew letters in and a hexagram filled with Hebrew letters.”
“Strange.”
“It is. I can ask about it if you like.”
“No, not yet. I might be able to match that up with some of her loose notes.”
“You just like doing all the detective stuff yourself.”
“That’s it,” and it was time for my voice to have a smile.
“I like this page,” she commented to me, almost casually, “It has pictures of animals with Hebrew names. A worm coming out of a fissure in a rock labelled ‘shamir’, a unicorn-looking thing called a ‘tachash’ with the word ‘kasher’ beneath it — so I guess if you find your tachash and can get it killed properly by a certified kosher butcher, then you can eat it for dinner.” She laughed at her own little joke. “And there are a few more.”
“Another page I want,” I sighed. I had no idea what it was about, but it sounded cool.
“Well, I’ll just copy all this middle section. There’s just one last page to it. After that the scrapbook goes back to what I told you it was before. Very Victorian and decorative and sumptuous. With that nice little rhyme.”
“That nice rhyme indeed,” I snorted. I hate it when I snort. “What’s on that last page?”
“It’s a picture of the ark where the Torah is kept,” her sister replied, “It has six scrolls in it, and the doors are open. There are all sorts of nice pictures on either side of the Ark — several ritual candlesticks, branches that look like they come from palm trees, a ram’s horn. All very Jewish. And above the ark there is a sun, a star and a moon.”
“What does it mean?”
“Your guess is as good as mine,” shrugged Belinda. “An embroidery pattern?”
“I want to sort it out.” My voice resonated with deep sincerity. Truly it did.
“When I get more time I’ll scan all the pages for you and either get them in the post or drive down and stay the weekend. But it’ll take a few weeks.”
Yes!! Lots of happy. While I wait for Lin to produce a photocopy, I’ve got other things to worry about. Not family. This government is hell on wheels at trying to ruin people’s lives. I have two pieces of draft legislation to protest and a submission to write for an inquiry. Imagine how rich I would be if any of this was paid work!
“Thanks.” And I did mean it. I was grateful. I just suddenly felt as if the world was burdening me too much. This happens from time to time. Either I get over it or I get sarcastic.
“Promise you will let me know what it is all about? I’m as curious about our mad ancestress as you are, you know.”
“We don’t know she was mad yet.”
Message boards, what wonders they were. Rhonda could be herself, and yet hidden. To her friends on the history message board she was Jane Smith, historian. The message board and the articles were her public self. They gave her back her dignity.
Rhonda spent a few hundred words waxing happy about how the weirdness of the nineteenth century produced people such as Charles Mackay, who could take the strangeness of our past and write a book about it. A good enough book to be in print one hundred and fifty years later.
One of her online friends asked where the articles were appearing and she told them, proudly and happily.
She celebrated by checking on what her fan fiction friends had been up to recently, and to see if Starchild had finished the chicken hat yet. Keeping Starchild in knitting patterns was more proof Rhonda was a real person. Also keeping Phased in bad jokes about men. She would never see anything that Starchild knitted, and she and Starchild would never exchange real names. But they knew each other and Rhonda the Geek was the supreme knitting pattern and bad joke finder. She could make her friends happy without compromising a thing.
Reality. The very best kind of reality.