Two lives in 25 days E-Book

Haidar Haydar

• Herausgeber: novum pro Verlag
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 382

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2023

Beschreibung

In vivid language, the author tells of his childhood and the history of his country up to his escape as a 17-year-old, which led from Lebanon to Germany. It is a story of rubber dinghies on the Mediterranean and of inconceivable conditions in refugee camps, of people who become increasingly dependent as they continue to flee and who can only hope to be tried under the rule of law in countries such as Austria or Germany. But the ordeal is by no means over. Depression, exacerbated by overcrowded rooms in asylum shelters or further cultural disputes between refugees, is just as much a part of everyday life as other "favors" for which so-called helpers apparently cash in.

Leseprobe

Two lives in 25 days

(by Haidar Haydar)

PROLOG

Hello, my name is Haidar. I come from Lebanon and lived there for the first 17 years of my life. Then I fled and now I live in Berlin for 6 years. I am young and have experienced a lot in these few years. And many things are spinning in my head. I started to write diary to understand my thoughts better and then it became a daily and memory book. I'm happy when other people read my book, I'm happy when you read my book. It consists of a lot of philosophy and a lot of memory, but read for yourself:

Day 1

Me and my thoughts

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It's just 2:00 p.m. and I sit down in the living room. It's another day with not much going on. I lie down on the couch and try to relax. It's very warm in the first floor apartment and the light is so pleasant. A gray light comes in from two sides into our living room because we have very large windows and a glass door! It's so nice and cozy. It's also very quiet. You can hardly hear anything except when all the kids from the house are playing downstairs in the garden. They're usually there with their parents, and they're mega lively. Whenever they're in the garden, it's anything but quiet. It's very funny, but it always messes me up. I don't know if I want to play with them or go somewhere else and stay out of sight. I don't know if I need to say hello to the parents or not. Some I already know, and with them I feel more relaxed, of course, but with the others, I just feel like I'm a strange neighbor who should choose another activity instead of seeking conversation. After all, it's always rather family time. I prefer to stay out of it.

Back to the topic of our peaceful living room. All my guests agree that our shared apartment is very cozy. You feel really comfortable there. It's a refuge from the outside. Refuge from everything that somehow disturbs, but there I worry a lot, very often even! This calmness makes the warmth disappear and the cold reaches my bones as well as my soul! I come to a point where I want to question many things and fight many feelings. I feel lonely and sometimes sad. I also feel joyful and released. I feel calm, but that calm is just the coldness itself. It is the place where I am no longer in motion. It is the place where I am no longer busy with my daily life. No distractions, just me and my thoughts sitting at the table, nose to nose and eye to eye! I don't know if I expressed that correctly, but it should be clear.

And today the theme for me or the question was, what makes my life exciting? What is interesting there? I don't just want to be very simple. I'm looking for adventure. But then what is an adventure? After all, it varies and is very relative. Aside from what "adventurous" means to me. I've simply found that for me, my life is not as adventurous as I thought it would be. That means I'm boring, okay? I'm nothing special and nothing special awaits me tomorrow except more boring empty time wasting. It's okay, and we'll say that what I say is true. What am I going to do now? Where is the solution? After all, I talk to myself all the time to achieve a result. I mean I don't waste time. So, what do I do now? I have thought of something for myself, which would make me see the boring waste of time in a different way. I tried to look at things more clearly and study them. I looked for subtleties and little things. Both with light and darkness I could see beautiful things with many good sides. I put my last five years under the microscope and looked at all the memories before my eyes, how they rose and fell apart again. And there was something left: They were little diamonds and big stars in the dark. They included very unique nice people I met in the last time. They were, to put it simply, very kind-hearted people who often made my days lively in between.

I could say that life so far has been really hard and not a huge success. I could say that I have nothing left but memories, but people and friends always remain. And memories are the rope that binds us. It's a beautiful thing, while we all also know that some friends will leave and some may die, but until then, all that's left is to cherish the times and opportunities you have. Everything has an end, and it may be sad, but until then there is a lot going on. That's what I wanted to get to. I wanted to say that it is very special to meet these friends after so many years. If you feel the same way I do, you've been able to see them develop and grow, and with that, joy grows in your heart.

Being able to meet these great people is a great adventure that we often don't realize. It's as if each of these people we meet is a door to another world. They are a magical pair of glasses that paints the world differently for us. They are living stories! Even if sometimes I would call myself a prisoner, I could say that I have actually been able to discover many worlds, through the eyes of my friends. Some living stories say goodbye to life and go on a new journey, but then it is my mission to bring them back to life while I am still alive. I will always let these be a part of life, a part of this soup, and hopefully the taste will not diminish. Since I'm just partially through with this topic, I'd like to jump to another topic now.

I have now come to the point where I can't find a way out. The question always comes so hard and presents itself simply: What then, when it's all over? What then, when we have all lived, that is, died? Since I have become very comfortable with this question, I simply say: go to sleep and concentrate on what is going on. I am more concerned with my life. There are enough questions we can ask that are about our own life itself. These are never-ending questions. Who am I, and what do I want to become? Why do I want to do anything? Why do I have goals, and what do I want to achieve? What is important to me? How can I survive? How can I be happy? How can I deal with my sadness? What are my values? What is the right decision? Why is my life the way it is, and, and, and ...?

That's a lot of questions, and what's even more blatant than the questions are the answers. They are also very philosophical, to describe it simply. These are all not answers, but just extra curves that make my life even more complicated. But if I can convince myself with the "bullshit", then what I tell myself is actually already right. So again, capture shorter: Everything I think is for me the right answer for all my questions, if I am convinced of it. Everybody answers such questions for himself. I think it's important that others leave us the responsibility to think about our lives. I think it's important for the world to leave me alone. Okay, so I've partially landed somewhere else again. I've explained something again, and that is that what I believe is right for me. That's enough for me for now.

The other thing is now again: We do have, as I wrote recently, many questions that deal with our lives. The questions are perhaps first-line questions, and there are more than enough of those. There are other questions that encompass much more than just our own lives, and those are the questions I sometimes like to leave open and let those swim in my head without being disturbed. I don't want to create unwanted thoughts that somehow might not have an impact on my life now. The little questions are already the biggest thing for my life. The shoes fit me well, and I will walk with them for now. If I am concerned with my own life, it doesn't mean I don't want to look at the world, and it doesn't mean I don't want to care about others. I can influence the whole thing indirectly through my own life. That is why I move in order to be able to move the whole world.

The other thing that comes into play after the considerations, that is how much flexibility I have in my life and what framework I have to be in. Whether financial or social aspects play a role. The desires and the course of my life are not a straight line in the white field or a sheet of paper, but a soup.

And now I'm still sitting in the living room after thinking a little about "God and the world", knowing that funnily enough I haven't talked about God at all and only a little about the world. All I wish for today is to have to think less and to be able to enjoy more the present time. so, I try it briefly, and until soon I wish you a peaceful day with little worries and with much groundless joy.

Day 2

What comes tomorrow?

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A new day and I am still where I was yesterday. Yes, I am back in our living room, where the world has to shut up. There, where I can immerse myself in my thoughts again. Quite annoying questions that hang on the wall of my skull and make my head roll, so I get dizzy.

Today, unfortunately, I feel very bad. I am very agitated and feel very insecure. I'm on the edge again and I don't know how to keep myself upright. It's a feeling I've had very often in my life. The feeling that the walls are too close. I can barely breathe and it's mega hard to breathe. I can't find a way out and I'm trapped in a nightmare. This nightmare has always been my life. There were always things happening that I didn't want to believe and couldn't perceive. Just things that fit so well with a nightmare. Very unpleasant, very bad and violent. But I didn't die or anything. A couple of times I even thought I was. These nightmares had nothing to do with my death, but with my life. They're just instances of something going really wrong.

In any case, it feels like that again today. I'm back in a state where I'm thinking, "What am I going to do now?" I'm afraid of tomorrow. Everything is foggy again and everything is faded out. When will I finally be able to stand safely on the ground? I'm not a child now, but I feel just as lost as I did when I was a child.

Always I am very dramatic, you will think when you read something like that. It's true, but I also have other sides. Today, however, is unfortunately a day when I can not feel good joy. In the last two weeks I've done my best to keep active and just put in some nice experiences to stay stable. It's certainly been nice, as it has been on many other days in life. I don't want to think that my life is all bad. There are a lot of nice moments and a lot of things that make my life exciting, and I talked about that yesterday.

So, because I'm now back at a point where everything is getting hectic, I'm talking about how this feels and that I've had this more often. It sounds very bad, of course, but today I want to get the best out of it and look again how I could interpret it differently.

Every time I come to a point where I think, now it's over. I'm totally wiped out and there were also many situations where I asked myself how the world was going. I was shocked and saw the world black and white. There were no more colors and I lived like a ghost. I think maybe I had gone a little insane, and maybe I still am. It's hard for me to say if it's not the case anymore. Crazy or not, it doesn't matter for now. After all, I'm here and I'm still living more or less like normal people. Back when everything was bad and seemed like it was all over, it still went on. That was so crass. No matter what happens and no matter how bad it is, it goes on. It goes on somewhere. Life moves on, and that's what we all do when we run along.

I don't know. I've always made a lot of decisions and done a lot of things so far. I will never really know if I made the best decision, but I just know that I can live with it. However, even though I already know that life is inevitable, I worry about it a lot and I'm as anxious as I ever was. I don't think you can be more practiced at that.

Maybe because every time something new happens that you haven't already faced. I'm not sure. It's very strange. Sometimes I'm very brave and not afraid of tomorrow. Sometimes I think I'm going to make it and do well, like I've made it this far. Sometimes I'm full of energy and feel like nothing can stop me. Sometimes I think everything is doable and try to get closer to my dreams and goals, but only sometimes. Only when I have a small success and when my hopes don't die. I think hope has died in me a few times. If hope was a person, it would be fed up with me and my life. It's uphill and downhill a lot.

It's pretty intense and very exhausting. It's very hard to stay strong all the time. To be honest, I don't know how I've been able to hold on this far. Today I wrote a lot, and I don't know if I said anything meaningful, but it's today for a change. Maybe tomorrow other thoughts will visit me. Maybe tomorrow I'll be in a better mood and then I'll talk about something nice. Let's see, let's see.

Day 3

Dancing in the storm

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As you noticed, I was not feeling so well yesterday and that's why I decided to visit my friend Arian for a short time. Arian is a very nice friend of mine who also has a difficult life. He is always a great support for me and together we push each other forward when one of us can't cope anymore. He's a real fighter and a motivational bomb, whether in sports or anything in general. We first met here in Berlin two years ago in a coaching license course and since then our lives have been connected. Like two ropes swinging in the air and continuing on the same path as very tight knots towards the sky. Together we are unbeatable. I always think that I have found another friend for life after all. Hosam is also such a friend of mine, but I will come to that later. The story is still very long.

So, to stay back on topic today and yesterday, I come back to this topic that yesterday I wanted to visit Arian, and I did. I took my bike and set off. It takes me about fifteen minutes to get there by bike. He doesn't live that far from me. I set off and tried to go as fast as I could. That alone felt very good. Just being outside and being able to move freely is a very good feeling. I felt so light and I was flying like a rocket on the wet roads. It looked so beautiful. The ground was shining with the street lights like fireworks. It was very damp and cold, but trust me, if that's going to be a problem, you won't even dare go out here in the winter. I decided to fight the cold this year. No matter how cold it is, I'm just going to go outside, go for a walk, ride my bike and do sports.

I drove over the bridge where Arian and I learned to ride inline skates this summer. That was our secret place where we spent a lot of time, like the little kids in the village or in the neighborhood. It reminds me of my home country and village where me and my mom used to go in the summer. That's where I played outside a lot, and that's also where I learned to ride a bike. What a sense of achievement. It was as exciting as when little chicks learned to fly. Really funny, moments like that still bring a smile to my face. It was the same with the inliner, but a little different. It was also a huge joy to be able to learn it. It's kind of a childhood dream, but I never realized it. Until then, unfortunately, it never came to pass, like many other dreams I had. But at least I learned and accomplished a lot. In case you don't know, as a 22 year old you can still learn things like that. In gymnastics, it's maybe a tad more difficult to be a career changer because you're not as flexible as kids are, whereas I've coached a lot of kids who have made me feel like I'm very flexible.

Okay, I arrived. I stood there in front of the gate and rang the bell. I came in and said hello to Arian. This machine is a 172 cm tall living animal. His arms are as thick as his head, haha. We sat together and then I told about my thoughts and he was very angry with me. He said that I was all wrong. I had told that I kind of see myself at the end and don't have much hope left, and that I have to start from scratch again. It was really embarrassing to think afterwards that I had said that, even though I know myself that it is not true.

Arian woke me up again. He said variety is part of our lives and change is something that makes our lives an adventure. He also said that we have started from scratch a few times already and if he had to do it again, he will. That's why I said that nothing can discourage us, no matter how bad it is, and that's because we've already been through the worst. We have gone to hell and back. It's like that for us every time we fall down, we come back up stronger. Every time a part of us dies, a new monster is awakened. We are like the Phoenix and the Hydra.

Every time you hit a dead end, the sky opens up. We just have to believe that we can fly. If we look at the world, if we look around and see how great and full of wonders our life on earth is, we will see that nothing in life is impossible. But surely, everything needs time and everything needs performance. If we do nothing, most of the time nothing happens. You just have to keep going and keep moving.

The problem with me sometimes is that I don't have the energy or the strength to get back up after life has hit me. Sylvester Stallone said in his movie "Rocky": It's not important how hard we hit, it's important how many times we can get up again after we've been hit. It's totally true, but who among us has the strength to get hit again and again? It feels like life is chewing me up all the time and not spitting me out.

Sometimes I just want to learn how to manage not to worry a lot about tomorrow and about the future. I want to be able to have a sense of security again someday. But you know what? I let the wind carry me wherever it wants to go, because you've already slowly learned how to fly. No storm is too strong for us, and the wind is something that takes us up.

Sounds quite strong, doesn't it? I always exaggerate when it comes to my unusual powers that don't really exist. I feel more like I'm just kidding myself so I don't have to see the truth. What truth? The truth that I'm weak and that I make a lot of mistakes. To that I've already said that I can live with my mistakes, but it's more just because I have to live with them. I can't get away from myself, it might be nice to. Just one more thing about this is that if I'm going to be completely honest, I just look at it this way. I think that we are all weak people, and we spend our whole lives wanting to be stronger and to have everything under control. We seek our security and we want to have more power. We want to convince the world that we can do many things. We look for a place where we don't have to be afraid. We want to become invincible, but that in itself is impossible. Each of us loses something in life and life beats everyone. On top of that, each of us has our limits. At some point, you face a case where you feel powerless. Life is so stark that missing a breath can cost us our lives.

That's the direction I'm going. I think I have a lot of skills and can handle a lot of things. The problem is that I don't get enough air. I don't have air. I lack choice, and the world is holding my neck and squeezing really tight. The chances are slim that I'm running in the direction I should be running. Life forces me to keep going in different directions, and I don't know where that leads. Honestly, I wished for a different life, but not just a different life, but a different world where no one has to suffer. Where everything is as good as in a fairy tale. A beautiful family, good peaceful childhood, beautiful home, safe house, good job with an activity I want to do and endless new experiences. No struggle and no diseases, instead other beautiful things.

Many will say that life will be boring if there is no challenge, or without problems you will not be able to appreciate the beautiful things. That could be true, but still I will wish for a life without war and an infinite life in which our loved ones do not die. We can wish as much as we want. I only say it because it is at least still feasible to imagine something like that. It's kind of a great gift to be able to travel in our minds and build a world that doesn't even exist. This world is so good because to visit it costs nothing but a bunch of creativity.

Sometimes I even think to myself that life is only our imagination. If we see it well, then it is good, and if we see everything dark, then the world is just very bad. We align our whole life with our beliefs and dreams, which are mostly, almost all the time, just ideas. A way and a sense that we have formed in our imagination.

After a few hours with Arian, I went home and soon went to bed. I said to myself again, "Okay, I'm ready for tomorrow."

Day 4

Eyes of death

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It is slowly time to get up. I lie in bed with my eyes half closed, turning right and left a thousand times like a pizza dough. I fight with myself to get up, but stay lying there anyway. I always need a few minutes to be able to perceive again that I still exist. That is, I come to myself only after I stop mumbling anything. Yes, I always have the feeling that during sleep I am totally occupied with my life, or something that makes no sense at all. I notice that I always have something on my mind, even when I'm only half awake. My sleep patterns are definitely quite special, but I'll talk about that later. I always have to try to stick to one point, otherwise nobody understands anything but me.

So, my alarm clock rings again and I silence it again. I want to get up, but it's nice to be in bed. Me and the comforter cuddle all the time and the warmth feels good. My room is still dark because I closed the curtains. The light comes in ever so slightly, but that's okay. There's hardly any light outside anyway. It's gray and cold again. I get up and am afraid my head will hit the ceiling. I have a loft bed, so it's a good thing I won't keep growing. This has already prevented many injuries. So, I climb down slowly and realize that I got a sore muscle. That's how it is when you do a lot of sports. You struggle through it and it usually feels good until everything starts to hurt. But recovery always happens.

I'm finally awake and out of my room. I look like an old palm tree, with my hair sticking out from my head in all directions and shapes.

I am in the bathroom washing my face with warm water. Now I am no longer blind and I can see normally. My eyes are no longer half open, I am more or less present and the light no longer bothers me. I look in the mirror and see what I have become. It is simply unbelievable. I am not a child anymore and not only that, I look much older. I think about it more often, but today I'm taking extra time to think about it because today is my birthday. I turned 23 years old. How can that be? That was once so far away for me. I look in the mirror looking for a child, but all I see is a young man with a full beard and long hair, some of which has gone gray. It doesn't matter much, but my body doesn't make things better. I think that my body also makes me older. I am tall and broad. My body is well built. I have somehow become what I wanted to become.

What I saw in the mirror today is, could fulfill some dreams. Even when I was thirteen years old, I wanted to become a bodybuilder. It is a dream of many others as well. What I saw today is only for today. Every day when I look in the mirror, I look different.

I come out, go back into the living room and make myself a coffee, which I understandably didn't like as a kid. I always wondered how adults could drink such things, but now I rather wonder why people like to drink vodka, for example. I like to drink wine or beer myself sometimes, but anything else is not my thing. It might be related to the fact that I'm not a party person and only get drunk on New Year's Eve.

I sit down and try to enjoy my coffee, and slowly I get lost in thought. I say to myself, how rad is that? Look how many things have changed. A lot has happened and the world has become a whole different place. That being said, I was somewhere else in my mind too. I went back to where it all started. I went all the way back to where my life started. After all, my birthday is the day I came into the world, and every time it's my birthday, I don't remember anyone ordering me. Who told you that I wanted to come to earth in the first place? Who told you that I wanted to be born? I actually don't know, but what I could remember is that at some point, all of a sudden, I existed. All of a sudden I found myself there. Very small and somewhere in the world. A world that had always existed. A world that had already come into being before I could even discover anything about it, and that's why the world was very small for me at first.

The first world I discovered consisted of a small room and four people. The room was my bedroom and the four people were my mother, father, sister and brother. People who had chosen the larger world for me. They were the world for me. All small and somehow all familiar. They were all big and strong and full of life. People I loved without knowing them intimately at first. They were full of life, and I was small and full of questions, but I was still kind of drunk then. Everything was foggy and not very clear. I was totally lost, but that didn't bother me because my family took control. I was just there, not questioning much, rather just trying to discover a lot. That's how the first journey in this world started.

Small and weak, quiet and calm, without knowledge and without worries. Just there and nowhere else. I didn't even know who I was. I only knew that I existed. It's amazing that this didn't make me panic to find out little by little. I was actually looking forward to life. Slowly each day started and I grew. As I did, the world grew too. Slowly there were roads and slowly there were other people. Slowly there were friends and slowly there were strangers. Slowly there was sky and ground in which I lost myself. Slowly there was light and there was darkness. Slowly there was life and death. Slowly there was a taste of something, and the world had a voice and music. Slowly the world was no longer still and no longer small. Slowly and somehow very quickly I was once five years old. My sister got married and stopped living with us. My brother was gone for a while and only my mother and father were home.

She got up very early every morning and made the world more beautiful. Every day she shone like the sun in our apartment. Every day she was there for me and painted the world for me. Everything was full of colors and everything tasted very good. Whether the food or the life. Everything was very beautiful. She sometimes sat at her sewing machine and worked with it. I still remember her green coat that she wore at home. She looked like a queen and seemed like the best painting I could ever see with my eyes. She was beautiful.

Sometimes the neighbors were with us and drank coffee with her and talked about everyday life. That's how I met the first children, and that's also where I met my childhood friend. My first boyfriend. He was my age, and we used to play a lot together. We just experienced the joy of being a kid together. He was really small and nice back then. Now he's all grown up, but still nice. We hardly have any contact anymore, but he is alive and has a good life. Just thinking about it makes me happy, and I wish him continued success, love and peace in life. He's one of those players in the game of life who was part of my path at some point. I think he was my first friendship experience, and that's why I will never forget him.

My mother also had a very good friend, whom I also remember well. She was a very quiet, nice woman, and she had a white cat. This cat was very beautiful and sporty. She could go and climb everywhere with her little paws. She was very free and certainly saw the world differently. I sometimes tried to talk to her and ask her what she was doing today, but you know animals are quiet souls who may only be able to tell us something wordlessly. This cat has actually told me a lot, but I could only understand that now, if ever. This cat was always present and active. She had no worries and no fears and lived each day as best she could. One day this white brave cat climbed on the terrace, tried its luck and jumped over the railing. I don't know where the cat was going or what exactly happened, but all I know is that the cat died. She dared to go out even though she was blind. I have always seen in her eyes only deep caverns. I saw a lot of love and wisdom in her eyes, but I wondered, what does she see of me when she looks into my eyes? I think she saw nothing, but she knew as much as I did. She knew that I existed like her and that reassured her. It reassured her that she was not alone, and without light she might have seen life with her ears or with her heart. Although she could not see anything, she still lived adventurously and was not deterred by the hidden and unknown.

She did everything, although there were risks everywhere. Before she could be as good as she was and before she could move freely, she fell a thousand times, but she found her way and eventually she came partially into her own. We also fall a lot until we learn to walk. It seems that there is no other way. In any case, the cat was there and lived. Never hesitated to move on. Never hesitated to live free. She may have perished in the end, but at least she lived right all the days. I admire this cat. She is one of the first heroes I met in life. When she died, all I knew was that she was gone. Nothing more, nothing less, but that's what dying is, exactly. When you die, you are no longer there. Very simple and straightforward, but around it there are many questions. How one lived, that's one that should concern us the most. I said goodbye to the cat without feeling sad for her. Not because death happened to her, but because life happened to her.

What I can still remember when I was five are those beautiful moments with my father. Whenever he came home, I already recognized him by the sound of his footsteps and his keys. Like the church bells in the evening. That was very sacred for me. I went to the door very quickly and hugged my father, and he hugged me too. I still remember his smell, and I miss him very much. He usually brought a watermelon or grapes.

There were also days when my father called me from downstairs. I always came to the window and saw him from our apartment on the third floor downstairs. He was standing there, full of the joy of life, waiting for me. He loved me, I know that. I went downstairs and then he used to take me to the supermarket and buy me something delicious or something else. I also remember in the salesman. He was also a very peaceful and loving person with a smile on his face. He had a beard that was already partially white. His face was round and he was a little fat. This was my Santa Claus. He didn't give me anything, but already his smile and his kind-hearted voice were like a gift. These moments are the world for me, and when I remember them, tears come.

I am sitting in the living room and I cried again on my birthday, as I have done on many other days. I have cried in place of the little me who lived there then. It sits next to me and also cries, but not about itself, but about me. His heart is breaking to see me like this.

I come back to myself and notice that my coffee has gone cold. I leave everything as it is and get ready. Today I will have breakfast with my sister at Arian's. I gather my strength and get ready to celebrate, although I would actually rather stay home. For me, the day went well, but I'm going there so my sister and my friend can be happy that I exist, not because I want to celebrate the day. I celebrate my life every day.

Day 5

Do I have a choice?

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So I went with my sister to Arian. We had a very big breakfast together. The table looked very good. On it were many dishes that you remember from childhood. Very delicious things that always taste like memories. For example, chickpeas with garlic mixed with yogurt, olive oil and pine seeds. On top are small pieces of crusty bread. A bowl of thyme and a bowl of olive oil, round Arabic bread and lots of little things. We sat there and ate together.

It is very complicated with me when it comes to food. I feel confused at times. I don't know if I want to enjoy the food or cry. Something squeezes my heart and crushes my brain. I always want to cry. I want to cry because the food is so delicious and partially takes me back to a time when I sat with family and ate that delicious food. I would often wait impatiently for the food and by the smell my soul was already full, much faster than my stomach. My father was looking forward to the food in the same way. I miss looking at his face while he eats. How can you miss something like that? There are definitely funny images in my mind. My father was very genuine and very transparent. Very honest, and he acted very naturally. He never faked anything. When he was happy, you saw, heard, felt his joy, and in all other moods, everything was always very obvious. Of course, this had disadvantages in some respects, but mostly I thought it was very good. I don't think I'm that different myself. I'm the same person everywhere I go. I've never been good at pretending to others. That is, when you meet me, you see the real and only me before your eyes. I have only one face.

Food has also made me sad because it no longer tastes quite the same. My soul is starving all the time, even after my belly gets full. I miss a lot of things, and I realize that my sister and my friend have more or less the same feelings. But at least we are left with what we have here today. Remains us again something beautiful, which we will surely also miss sometime in the future.

Except for that day, there were many days when I ate alone, and I usually didn't avoid crying. I did, and it only made my bread wet. Bread with tears doesn't taste very different, but I had a hard time swallowing the food. The food felt so like poison. Every time I ate something, I died many times. I'm already revealing something I didn't want to say until now, everything doesn't taste good to me anymore since I stopped eating my mother's food. It's a real shame where life has taken me.

I sometimes try to cook something tasty with the hope that somehow it will work out to cook something tasty, but unfortunately I am totally unsuited for it. I'm very bad at cooking and I'm happy when I get the eggs cooked right. My sister, on the other hand, can cook very well, and she sometimes tries to cook something for me and is happy. That breaks me more, to be honest. I always pretend that I think the food is great so I don't hurt her. I draw a fake smile on my face and I lie. Yes, that's where I'm a liar and that's where I pretend to play a different role because the situation is a little different. As I said, she can cook well, but her food doesn't always really meet my taste. But I thank my sister a lot for taking care of me sometimes. I know she loves me, and she puts herself in a place where she feels responsible for making sure I'm happy. However, I think that is all wrong. She should care that SHE is happy. That is what I want her to be. I know she will be happy if she makes me happy, but I don't want her happiness to depend on mine. That is a lot of pressure for me. It puts pressure because it forces me to be happy even though sometimes I can't.

She also makes me many suggestions and talks to me about everything, which on the one hand is very good, but on the other hand it should not be. How can the others know what makes me happy? How can others show me the right way when unfortunately they can't find their own way? Through mistakes you learn, but that's exactly why I want to be able to decide everything myself. I want to gather my own experiences and if things go wrong, then I have to deal with it myself. In addition, a mistake does not always lead us to the same results. Each of us has our own destiny. I believe in that at least. I think it's bad that she wants to give me advice, although I haven't asked her at all and she actually somehow never really helped me at any point to cope with my life. Many times I had problems and most of the time they were not recognized and not seen. There are many days when I just have to struggle on my own, and I want, if I have a choice sometimes, not to be limited by her ideas. I chose my own dreams and I try to go by them. I don't go by anyone else's expectations. They have lives of their own.

My sister is fifteen years older than me. She was already married when I was five years old. She sometimes told me that she raised me. She may have always carried me as a child, but I wouldn't call that parenting. My mother was the one who raised me. She is the one who brought me into life and the only one who prepared me for life. There is no one like my mother. My sister often told me that she carried me for hours while I slept because she was afraid I would wake up if she put me down. I don't think she needed to do that. She claims that she bought me many things and I was a spoiled child. Unfortunately, I have zero recollection of that. She should rather have allowed me this luxury later.

At the time, my sister was training as an accountant and working in a clothing store. It suited her very well. She was very young, pretty and independent. All of a sudden she got a knock on the head and was in love. A while later she was married. How can you do something like that to yourself? I don't know. It was her decision and nothing could have been done about it. She stopped working and moved in with her husband. A few years later she had her first child and started her life as a mother. I was very happy when she gave birth to my nephew. It felt like I was having a baby brother. But that wasn't the case. I was just a very young uncle. They would visit us from time to time, and I felt a huge joy every time I knew they were on their way to see us. Thinking about my sister's choices now, I personally think she made a huge mistake in life. I will come back to that later. Mistakes sometimes lead not only to something bad, but can also result in something beautiful.

Back to the topic of food. I was getting really hungry and finally wanted to eat something with Arian and my sister. The table was full, as I said, and everything, to make it uncomplicated now, just tasted good. We watched a movie on Netflix afterwards and ate my surprise birthday cake. I wanted to focus on the movie, and I wanted to try not to worry a lot, which is very typical with me.

The current time is unfortunately a bit uncomfortable for me. I quit my job two weeks ago. I got the job three months ago, after I completed my training there. So, I was there for more than three years, and that was really enough. It was an apprenticeship as a sports and fitness merchant in a sports club. The work, the learning, and the people that I met there, I really loved. I worked there as a physical education trainer with kids, which was good for me. I put a lot of smiles on those kids' faces, and I got them moving. I realized that what you do for yourself can usually be a help to the world. I made some very good friends during the apprenticeship. The office work and the commercial part were also interesting. I also enjoyed working in membership administration. The only thing that made my days very difficult during these three years was not all the work and learning, but my boss. I have to be very honest about how I see myself: I think I worked very diligently and hard and always did everything from the heart, but my boss was very mean to me, and he was very exhausting. There were countless days when he drove me crazy and I felt very bad. He was very angry and unhappy most of the time. Not grateful at all, and he did everything he could to take advantage of me really well and completely. Many people told me that this is usually the case with bosses. If it's really like that, then people should realize that this kind of thing actually doesn't work at all.

All those who have a leadership position should behave more humanely. Workers are not slaves bought with money, or something like that. All he ever did was put me in a bad mood. So once again I was unhappy because of him. That's exactly what I run away from all the time. People who meet him are unlucky in life because he is very toxic. I accepted to continue working there because I saw prospects for myself there, and I thought that maybe his behavior would change, but over time you realize that people don't change that easily, at least as long as they are not forced to change. I had enough trouble there, and I just felt that he hated me because I criticized him a lot too.