Untitled – a Book about God and Creation E-Book

Sandra Sievers

• Herausgeber: novum pro Verlag
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 157

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2023

Beschreibung

From an early age, Sandra experienced that being different means being excluded. In her early twenties, she had to concede that her notions of life differed so widely from those of her environment that her attempt to explain herself, the world and its working principles ultimately lead her to a psychiatric ward. Diagnosis: acute psychosis. Writing is both a trigger and a cure for Sandra's illness. In her book, she documents her experiences and thoughts, combining the unreal and the idealism of a young woman dreaming of escaping the superficiality of the modern world. This is matched with an ice-cold clash with reality, whose pinpoint accuracy sometimes forces the reader to take a closer look at their own values.

Leseprobe

Imprint

All rights of distribution, also through movies, radio and television, photomechanical reproduction, sound carrier, electronic medium and reprinting in excerpts are reserved.

© 2023 novum publishing

ISBN print edition:978-3-99146-268-2

ISBN e-book: 978-3-99146-269-9

Cover images:Kevin Carden, Sonerbakir | Dreamstime.com

Cover design, layout & typesetting: novum publishing

www.novum-publishing.co.uk

Preface

“Just be careful you don’t get carried away with it all”, was my sister’s response to my idea of writing another book. My first book ended in a severe psychosis. So, I burned it, hoping the haunting would stop. But it did not, at least not yet.

I, too, am worried that things might become a bit strange again. That I might relapse. The writing process always comes with this subliminal fear.

However, this fear is deeply embedded in me anyway – whether or not I write a book.

Hopefully, the book will help me to no longer feel quite as alone with this horrible experience. I want other people to listen to what I have to say and read about my psychosis so that my feeling of loneliness may diminish, at least a bit.

Yes: illness will make you lonely.

My hope is that by writing this book I will be able to come to terms with my psychosis.

To write down all the memories one last time, to get them off my chest and to feel less alone with what happened – yes, that’s my goal.

My first book was about one’s own self, about being nobody and being someone (although I refer to myself as a nobody), the injustices in the world – in fact, the failure to understand that one thinks only in terms of national borders and does not see oneself as part of a global community. It also dealt with the superficiality of the life of a good old taxpayer.

Towards the end of the book, I tried to explain the world or how it came into being, and so the subject of God crept in. I began writing my first book as a non-believer, then evolved into a believer who was in touch with God, and ended up as someone who thought they were God.

Now I’ve become someone who jolts at utterances like “Thank God”, “Oh God”, “For God’s sake”, etc., because they always remind me of what’s occurred.

I simply don’t want to have anything more to do with the subject of God and Creation, hence this is my attempt to at least partially bring this topic to a close.

I overlooked some fractions of my first book when I burned, or rather, deleted it.

These are now attached as an appendix.

The Theory of Incidence and Expansion in View of Double to Multiple Meanings and Possibilities

The world was not created by a Big Bang, but through an incidence: a first small nucleus that collapsed without destroying itself in the process – it expanded further and everything came into being.

The term “incidence” is to be understood ambiguously and in relation to its close cousin “incident”: There has always been a consciousness (God), because without meaning and consciousness no incident would be possible at all. Thus, how science and religion are compatible with each other.

As humans, we are, in a sense, one big split personality. Everything is merely a multi-alternate possibility of the first nucleus – from plants to animals to human beings. So you don’t need complicated formulas to understand the world or to explain it; everything can be explained by the expansion of the first small nucleus.

‘Consciousness’ has always existed, ‘meaning’ is existence/life/being.

Reincarnation or Wandering Souls as Described by Jean Paul

Jean Paul assumed that there is a transmigration of souls.

The human body is merely a shell, the soul or the self is the core.

This theory also played a role in my psychosis/my experiences, especially in the early days.

The Illusory World and Good and Evil

In my book, I described our world as a make-believe, illusory world in which existence is not truly possible: each of us should feel guilty as we silently accept the wars and deaths caused by famine each and every day.

Moreover, the rules and norms of a community based on solidarity do not allow one to develop one’s self or to live out one’s self freely – anyone who is not a well-behaved taxpayer or average citizen is marginalized and ostracized.

Good and Evil exist, though Evil rules the world. After all, there are still wars being waged and property is unfairly distributed.

I criticize the many believers, in particular, because they are the ones who ultimately always plead for the grace of charity.

The division into Good and Evil also played a role in my psychosis.

Further Elucidations

In this book, I describe what I experienced as I perceived it in the respective situations; I didn’t think I was crazy – at least not in the sense of an illness.

Mentally, I was, in fact, crazy: I existed in a real parallel world.

“After all, scriptures like the Bible would not even exist without these kinds of parallel world experiences. In today’s time, Jesus would probably also be declared crazy and sick,” I wrote in a letter to a monastery.

I even wrote to the German Chancellor. Naturally, I did not receive a reply.

But I was sure: I’m not ill; I am in contact with God and the Beyond.

I also saw things online, on TV or on shows that others didn’t see.

I will explain these things later.

When it came to interpersonal matters, I also caught things that were not uttered at all in our world, that only I heard; perhaps that I had just imagined too.

It is still difficult for me to convince myself that none of this was real.

It just felt too real, and at the same time it was also the worst thing I’ve ever had to experience.

The Big Bang Theory

It started with the series “The Big Bang Theory”: Everyone was the ego, the self.

“So great to finally get to know you a little better”, they’d say to each other and shake hands.

They’d make fun of string theory. Furthermore, two actors played a game with a long rope: “This far?” “Yes, this far” – “This far” is how far God is from us humans.

Radio station search

The following morning, I opened Instagram – again, everyone was the ego.

There was also a new brutal computer game in which everyone fought everyone else.

Because of this game, I was worried: people didn’t seem to value life anymore, it was all simply the perpetual rebirth of the ego.

So, I rang up a university for physics: “Have you already heard that God has proved His existence?

I would like to show you what I’ve written on the subject.”

It was a Saturday, and he was “the wrong person to talk to anyway.”

And so I decided to go to a local radio station.

“What’s this all about?” “It’s about saving humanity,” I answered.

Of course, they didn’t pay any heed to me, and the boss wasn’t there either, so I drove on to the Ruhr region, but they didn’t find any time for me there either.

Disappointed, I drove back home.

Germany seeks a Global Concept

“Deutschland sucht den Superstar” (German Idol) was on TV in the evening. Here, too, everyone was the I, the me, the ego.

The jury was looking for a global concept or a slogan, basically a motto, though none of the candidates managed to impress them.

Somehow, I felt spoken to, so I thought of a few phrases: “Faith in the good”, “Sharing a task: life”, “Inspiration.”

Nothing really worked, German Idol continued to be strange and unchanged.

It all sort of frightened me, so I asked my (now ex) boyfriend whether I could come over. He said yes.

Karl Lagerfeld

Before I got going, I checked my Instagram once more: It was full of Karl Lagerfeld, as he had just died.

Was he somehow connected to all these strange events?

I did some research and found out that about five months earlier he had contacted the music group Genetikk, who call themselves “young gods.”

He also left behind the slogan “The beat goes on.” That actually seemed to be the case; yes, I was sure that he was behind all of this.

Had he experienced something similar to me right before his death? Maybe he even became a god? Perhaps.

Day 1 – The police

My boyfriend Ivan called the police. When they arrived, he said I had gone mad and told them what had happened. “Why are you bad-mouthing me?” I asked – after all, I was the innocent one, the Good.

The police asked me to go with them.

Outside, I yelled once more, “God is great!” – as a kind of cry for help.

There were two police officers: one good, the other bad.

“We need each other – the core and the shell – just like Good and Evil, we must not destroy each other completely,” I said, appealing to their conscience.

Once at the precinct, the story continued in a similar fashion: there were both good and bad cops.

They wanted to put me in a solitary cell. I resisted and threw myself to the ground, holding on to a police officer’s legs.

“I can’t be by myself right now,” I cried miserably and full of fear.

In the end, they were merciful, and I was taken to an office where a police officer was waiting to question me.

“I am so sorry that I questioned everything and the world as it is; perhaps we do need appearances alongside what is real.

I just want to be permitted to continue to exist, I want to go home, and I wish everything would go back to normal,” I said.

The police officers were discussing among themselves in the hallway.

So I got up and repeated again into the hallway, “We need each other, we can’t completely destroy each other.” “Now remain calm, you’ll be fine – just let me handle this,” said the police officer in the office.

He put in a word for me, so I was allowed to go back home.

Though I wasn’t permitted to drive myself, so my dad had to come pick me up.

“If you’re one of the good ones, too, reach out to me,” the police officer whispered to my dad in parting.

I looked into my father’s eyes and could not say for sure whether he was Good or Evil.

Once at home, I encountered my mother. I recognized Evil in her eyes.

Full of dread and uncertainty, I lay down in my bed and tormented myself to sleep.

Day 2 – Amends, the police and the psychologist

The next morning, I knocked on my sister’s door.

I hadn’t seen her again yesterday. Was she Good or Evil? Or had Evil harmed her perhaps? She didn’t open the door despite my loud and repeated knocking.

I was very worried about her, so I went and got my parents.

We finally managed to wake her. She then opened the door and appeared quite exhausted, but luckily, she didn’t seem to be Evil.

A bit later, I asked my dad to drive me to the next town to go pick up my car. He said yes. We talked a bit during the drive.

“If your TV’s on the fritz, you’ll have to send it in,” he suggested.

“But it’s Sunday, what am I going to do with my TV? Put it in the basement?” I asked.

He didn’t reply. Once we got to my car he said, “You can’t just take all the time.”

What did he mean by that? Should I apologize to my boyfriend for last night?

“Go ahead and drive home, I have something I need to sort out,” I said to him and walked to my boyfriend’s apartment. We hugged when he opened the door.

“I’m sorry about the window,” I said. “Oh, it’s fine,” he replied.

Everything seemed to be OK.

“What should I do with my TV? Put it in the basement?” I asked.

“Maybe that would be best,” he said.

“Let’s go take a walk,” he suggested. We strolled through town arm in arm.

Dusk slowly began to fall and with the growing darkness things became strange again:

“I love you,” I said. He replied, “I love Ivan and Ivan loves me, but I also like you.” And there it was: that devilish grin.

“Why do you want to destroy me?” I asked. “Come on, let’s go home,” he said.

I was very afraid again.What’s his plan?I wondered.

When we got to the apartment door we bumped into a neighbor.

We shook hands and he introduced himself. He wanted to keep talking but Ivan said, “We’re going to head inside, see you!”

“He’s one of the good ones too,” Ivan then said to me. He smiled that devilish smile again.

So that is why he had wanted to keep things brief.

Once in the apartment, I began to cry. “Why are you doing this? Why do you treat me this way?”

Then suddenly, my best friend texted me, “Where are you? Come on over, I’m at home.”

My savior, I thought. “I’m going to drive home,” I said to him.

“Well, drive safe and don’t think of anything but the road on your way home,” he replied.

Was my Ivan speaking through him? Was he trying to protect me from Evil? Yes – is what I thought.

So I drove to my best friend’s house.

“The road – a path,” I kept repeating to myself during the drive and forced myself not to think of anything else.

Once I arrived, I texted her that I was there and asked her whether I should come in.

“I’ll be right out,” she replied. I was therefore not allowed to enter her domain.

She opened the door and I fell into her arms. I began to weep, “I am so sorry.”

“That’s all right,” she said, giving me a motherly hug – she was one of the good ones. Was God speaking through her?

Perhaps.

“C’mon, let’s go for a walk and you can tell me what’s happened in peace and quiet,” she suggested. “Ivan wrote to me asking whether I made it home. What should I do? Reply? And if I do, what do I write?” I asked, unsure.

“Don’t sweat it, leave your phone in the car. You can answer later,” she replied.

So we went for a stroll and finally sat down on a bench.

I told her everything. “I really don’t know anything about this. I’m just going to make a quick phone call,” she said, taking a few steps back. A little while later she came back and said, “Someone will be here soon to help us. Don’t be scared.”

“Okay,” I replied – trusting her.

A few minutes later, a big van pulled up: the cops – here to serve and protect.

Two officers got out, one talked to me, the other to her.

I told them about the content of my book and what had happened the past few days.

“We’re not familiar with that either,” the police said.

“Perhaps I can talk to a psychologist,” I suggested myself as the last possible solution.

After all, it was about psychology: the transmigration of souls, the subconscious, one’s own self. “However, if I am right with my theory of the illusory world, even a psychologist won’t be able to help me,” I warned.

And I was to be proved right.

Arriving at the psychiatric clinic, I had uttered but two sentences before the psychologist said: “That’s an acute psychosis! You have to stay here!” In his eyes I saw Evil and at the same time great suffering. “You see? I was right. I don’t want to stay here, please help me,” I said to the police. In the end, I did have to stay.

“I can see the suffering in your eyes, I too have suffered much. I’m not only Good – I am both Good and Evil. Please do not think of me as your enemy. Something is speaking through me – we must not destroy each other,” I said.

Suddenly I saw fear or rather reverence in the psychologist’s eyes.

“So you’re both?” he asked. “Yes,” I replied.

In that way, I was also a bit like him.

Nevertheless, I was still worried; they wanted to give me a pill, which I initially refused, worried they wanted to eliminate me as the Good.

After further discussion, I took it anyway and stayed in the psych ward.

Shortly thereafter, I went into the smoking room to have a cigarette.

The people in the room looked at me curiously, almost voraciously.

I recognized Evil and greed in their eyes – I felt like I was the only good one far and wide.

“Can I braid your hair?” an older woman asked me.

Despite or because of my fear, I agreed; better not to reject her.

My fear appeared to be unfounded – the braiding was a painless undertaking.

A young man left the room and returned a little later.

He was wearing a new sweatshirt that said “I have a solution, but it doesn’t fit the problem.”

Somehow, I felt it spoke to me and yes: I did not have a suitable solution.

That night, too, I struggled to fall asleep, the feeling of fear and uncertainty not letting go of me.