18 & life E-Book

Sofie Maria

• Herausgeber: novum publishing
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 530

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024

Beschreibung

This is my crazy biography, in which I became addicted to the drug crystal meth at a young age. It all started with big dreams: becoming famous, playing in a band, becoming an actress. I was open-minded and full of drive. During my school years, I quickly fell in with the wrong friends and tried out various drugs. Girl stuff and high school scenarios were quickly replaced by near-death experiences, paranoia and demons. Teen relationships turned into toxic dramas. An initial curiosity turned into a threatening addiction. In the midst of the adolescent phase of self-discovery, I came to terms with traumatic experiences and despair. I want to use my story to pick people up and help them. One thing is certain. It is never too late to take a different path.

Leseprobe

Being a child

Berlin, 2004

My life began with a truly wonderful childhood. I would even say that I was one of the happiest children on this earth. I'm telling you, this happiness is still with me today.

I love remembering faded pictures from the old days, and when I stand at the window in the kitchen while the sun's rays peek in from outside, I think back to those days. Those afternoons come to mind, when I used to sit in my childhood bedroom and play with my Barbies. I had a huge collection of toys. I often dressed up or drew pictures. I played a children's keyboard, strummed my guitar wildly and listened to my favorite music on the radio. I was a bright child and had big dreams. I wanted to be a star. Preferably an actress. I played the electric guitar in the school band back then and went to guitar lessons in the afternoons.

However, I stopped the whole thing because I lacked patience. I wanted to be able to play my favorite songs right away, and although I was told I was talented, I was bored. I took an after-school dance class in the assembly hall, and there, too, I was assured that I had talent. However, the whole story came to an end when our dance teacher left with all the money and no one had heard from her since. In winter, I went on a skiing vacation with my mom, learned to ski and let off steam. In summer, I collected snails and explored nature in my grandparents' garden. I saw my dad every Sunday.He would come to visit us or my mom would take me to his own store. I was happy with what I had and I didn't need much to be happy.

I remember many things from my childhood, many vacations, birthdays, TV evenings and trips. Everything seemed almost perfect. I can still see myself picking blackberries in the garden with my grandma and saying to her:"Summer has finally arrived. I can't even imagine that it's ever been winter, and yet it's been ages since the last summer."

Time passed so slowly. I just didn't think about tomorrow. But I've always thought a lot. I consider this a good quality. Nevertheless, every friend or foe has been saying this one sentence to me for some time:"Kiki! You think too much!"But what was I supposed to do about it? It just turned me off. I just daydreamed and let my own imagination run wild.

However, there was one thing that was already bothering me at the time.

Hunted and persecuted?

Berlin, 2005

It was a normal Thursday afternoon. I was on my way to guitar class to get bored once again when it started to get dark. I knew beforehand that this was my first walk home. Alone in the dark. Of course, it was only sixteen o'clock when I started my journey home."See you both next time! Please practise hard,"my guitar teacher shouted through the stairwell. Yes, yes! What was I supposed to practise for? To pluck three notes in slow motion?

They wouldn't be able to keep me here for long. I walked to the front of the exit gate with my friend Lisa when our paths diverged. This was it, my first solo walk. I didn't have too far to walk and didn't think too much about it, but suddenly I felt hot. I could feel my head burning up and I was a little breathless. I turned around quickly, but Lisa had already turned into a side street and was probably already over the hill. I panicked and kept running. I opened my eyes.

What was that? Was there someone behind me? I turned around and continued walking quickly. I had a queasy feeling. Somehow it was totally creepy. Really strange. No one to be seen. I looked straight ahead again and tried to suppress my thoughts. I tried to block out the fact that someone was after me and I couldn't see them.

However, I heard him sneaking up behind me. When I turned around again with a jerk, there was nothing to see. He was obviously hiding. I ran faster and faster, and so did the person behindme. I was sure it must have been a man. His breathing was deep and throaty. I got hotter and hotter with every step I took. I felt as if he was only a hair's breadth away from me. He was about to grab me. He was about to hurt me and then strangle me. I'd better not turn around, because that's how I stopped. I was terrified and started sprinting. I sprinted all the way home. When I turned the corner to our house, I felt like I'd lost him. Nevertheless, I kept running.

Only when the key was in the ignition could I catch my breath. I switched on the TV at lightning speed to break the silence. Now I was safe and took a deep breath. I then just looked at the TV as if spellbound and didn't take my eyes off it for a second. I didn't go to the toilet and I didn't have an appetite. I threw my school rucksack somewhere in the hallway. I just sat rooted to the spot on the couch and unconsciously listened a little towards the stairwell. When Mom arrived a few hours later, I immediately jumped into her arms like a little Chihuahua. With the jingling of her keys, everything was instantly fine again. Just like in an airplane when you fasten your seatbelt to land. For me, everything was somehow over and I was no longer afraid. Mom was finally back. I immediately forgot all about my way home and blubbered all kinds of stuff at her. School here, boredom there, the PE teacher will soon be our class teacher ... This, that and the other. She listened intently and was delighted with my liveliness. Afterwards, she cooked me my favorite meal, tomato soup with star noodles.

In the meantime, I disappeared into my room and started strumming loudly on my keyboard, then I took a few cuddly toys into the living room and put them allnext to each other on the dark blue couch. Later, after dinner, we lay down and she scratched my back until I fell asleep.

I slept on the couch with my mom. I couldn't sleep alone in my bed. I was somehow afraid that she would leave without me noticing. I didn't want her to leave again. It stayed that way for many years. Even today, I don't like sleeping alone. It has stayed with me.

I slept very well that night and she woke me gently the next morning."Good morning my darling. It's time to get up." I finally woke up properly after two or three attempts and then got dressed. Then I chatted with her in the kitchen while she made my sandwiches. She worked in a restaurant as a restaurant specialist and didn't have to be at work until eleven at the earliest. She worked either the early, middle or late shift and took me to school safely and securely every morning. It wasn't a long or even dangerous walk. But as I said, I absolutely hated being alone, whether I was on the road or at home.

A few weeks later, I had to walk home alone from guitar class again. This time it was dark as a stick, because it was already the end of November.

When my friend Lisa and I said goodbye to each other at the gate, I felt strange again. I stood still for a while and when I looked back at her, I couldn't see Lisa anymore. Then the fun started again. I took a deep breath and then walked quickly down the street to the intersection when I noticed someone following me. I was so damn hot. I felt like it was at least forty degrees under my clothes. My ears were burning and the back of myneck suddenly went ice cold. That breath. There it was again. So deep and smoky. Creepy.

The guy was running at the same pace as me, I could tell. He didn't want to stand out. He had been damn good at hiding. However, I picked up speed again and noticed him touching my back. That scared the hell out of me, so I ran all the way home without turning around. I completely ignored the fact that other people had crossed my path on many streets. It was night for me. It was dark and quiet on the streets. I was alone and being followed. When I turned on the light and the TV at home and "Timmy and the Helping Elves" was just starting, I gasped with exertion and flopped down on the warm couch. With my eyes fixed on the TV and my mind no longer wandering from it, sitting in a stiff position and secretly listening outside, I let the evening fade away. Later, when Mom walked in the door, I ran up to her and hugged her. That night I slept like an angel again.

When I later dropped out of the guitar course because it had become too boring for me, no one had followed me either. Even my mother never knew how alone I felt when she went to the late shift.

School

Berlin, January 2009

After finishing sixth grade and the long summer vacation, I moved on to Johann-Gymnasium, an elite grammar school with high standards. It took exactly one semester before I was allowed to look for a new school. I had a lot more on my mind than cramming every day and forcibly memorizing things that were of zero interest to me and for which I saw no use in my later life. After all, I had only just turned twelve.

It shouldn't be this serious yet. Not just yet! I felt sorry for my mother, who had hoped I would do well at A-level, and for everyone who had believed in me so much. But I just couldn't and wouldn't go through with it the way I was meant to. I was incredibly bored of this school. Those strict teachers with their annoying behavior. And my classmates weren't any better. They were conceited and only ever talked about what their parents deserved. One wanted to be more exemplary than the other. I just didn't understand that and that's why I couldn't and didn't want to keep up with them. After all, we were children. It was all about having fun.

I soon became involved with two girls who went to my class. They were children of normal parents and behaved like children. They behaved like children. I liked that. From then on, we just messed around, got kicked out of class at least once a week and only very rarely got to see what was going on in class. What's more, each of us had our sights set on a boy. We were girls with crushes, so nothing else came close to us.It was a wonderful time. Writing love letters, whispering, being shy. When all three of us weren't transferred and were therefore moved to different comprehensive schools, we parted ways and our friendship came to an end. I then also looked for a new school. I was allowed to make the choice myself. I decided on a comprehensive school in Mitte. Many girls from my elementary school went there and I was really looking forward to my first day.

I had set my mind on becoming the beauty of the school. Like in a teen movie. I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted to belong there. It was going to be different to grammar school. At this school, the only thing that mattered was whether you were cool enough. I was so fed up with them at the other school. They were too intellectual for me.

Everything was simply supposed to be different here. That worked for the time being. I wanted to be one of the popular ones and got on with the cool kids from the higher grades straight away. It all worked out, and when I was allowed to enter my new class as "the new girl" with another girl, I was delighted to see Gina Bauer waving from the corner. I had known her since first grade and we usually got on really well. I would never have imagined all the things I would experience with her."Come here, Kiki. Sit next to me. We're just chilling. We have free period,"Gina shouted through the messy classroom. Everyone took notice and looked at me.

Great, I thought to myself, planted myself right next to Gina and unpacked my things. We hadn't seen each other since we left elementary school after sixth grade. She had been at this school for half a year longer now and could certainly tell me a few useful things about it. I looked at my new class and I liked what I saw. They all looked lively and promised lots ofaction and fun. The boys were getting into friendly fights and a few of them were late for class the next lesson because they'd all smoked another cigarette outside. I wanted to stay here. I'd never smoked a cigarette before and found it really exciting.

The school consisted of two buildings, the first and the second house. It also had two gyms and every facade of the buildings was completely spray-painted. I felt at home here. Although I was shy at first, I quickly made friends with my funny, open and friendly manner. The boys liked me too, and it wasn't even six months before half my class wanted to go with me. I became more and more self-confident. I loved myself because I got all kinds of recognition. Everything went perfectly except for my school grades, which fluctuated a little, but I didn't make an issue of that in my world.

The main thing was to have fun. That much was certain. Gina quickly became my very best friend and we liked to form a trio with one other person, then there was more going on. In the beginning there was Tran and the three of us werebest friends. He was a fun little classmate. At some point, however, Tran became more interested in his buddies, and Gina and I quickly found a new friend and then another one. The two of us were always together, though.

Back then, everything was still completely without drugs and alcohol. Gina and I didn't start smoking until later either. It was at the beginning of eighth grade, when our other friends had long since become real smokers. I smoked my first cigarette alone in my room at home. A classmate had given it to me as a present at school and I wanted to try it out until it suited me and I could do it properly. When I was ready, Gina and I started puffing away right away. We smoked a good pack a day each atand then later got our cigarettes at our favorite kiosk at any time. Over time, we also bought a bottle of booze every weekend at this kiosk. It was usually vodka. We smoked on the way to school and walked around the playground with a cigarette in our mouths. It made us feel like little ghetto queens. We also found our own clique.

It consisted of Marc, the little tousle-head, Toralf, a tall blonde with a curly head who I really liked, Fred, who was kind of strange but funny, dear Danny, Gina and me.

Sometimes a few other students joined us, but we were the only girls so far. We got on better with the guys because we were more of the buddy types ourselves. We were soon meeting up with the clique every afternoon at our regular spot behind the school. Apart from Gina and me, our brilliant clique smoked their heads off every day. Gina and I quickly took a liking to alcohol.

We met up with Toralf and co every day after class, and at the weekends we bought a big bottle of vodka and drank it completely empty until we fell asleep somewhere in the square full of stars. Winter had set in at some point and it was around minus twenty degrees in the capital. We had put on several pairs of jogging bottoms on top of each other. We also wore our winter boots from Badstrasse and a few sweaters and cardigans on top. Despite the Antarctic temperatures that winter, we only spent our free time outside, drunk on our favorite spot behind the school. I usually ended the evenings singing the old church songs I'd learned at elementary school. Leon always particularly liked it when I sang. There was something so peacefulabout it. Usually at least four of us had thrown up. Someone had fallen off every time.

The rest of the gang then held the other's hair or helped to nurse him back to health. We even ran away from the police, because they often chased us. We had no business being on the big streets at certain times of the day. We didn't care at all. We became a real gang of young people who drank and smoked pot. It was a fun time. We felt young and free, and we were happy when the adults scolded us. That gave us the feeling that we were doing everything right.

At some point, Gina and I moved away from the clique and went our own way. The others were just broad, and we wanted to drink and experience something new rather than just hang out in the square behind the school. We wanted to get out and about and escalate, not just chill out.

We made our way across the city and took in pretty much every street festival. We went to Werder for the beer mile and even ended up at the Bölchefest. At some point, we were really driven out of our neighborhood to Hennigsdorf. There we met a group of boys who were all around seventeen or eighteen. One of them had a driver's license, so we thundered through the night in his car, drank alcohol and just did the things that teenagers do.

I fell in love with Ian straight away. We quickly became a couple. But it didn't last long because he didn't want to be with a virgin. At the age of thirteen, I was pretty crushed by this statement and devised an incredibly pointless plan to avoid losing him. I hadn't pondered for long. A thought immediately occurred to me in my youthful light-headedness."I could simply let Roy take my virginity. Gina, that's the idea." Roy wasthe boyfriend of a girl from our new clique. He had probably already freed around fifty girls from their virginity. Gina looked aghast and rolled her eyes.

"Then I've done it,"I said as I stubbed out my cigarette on the dry grass."He must know something if he's done it to so many people,"said Gina.

Well. It was short and sweet! I was slightly buzzed, wasn't expecting anything and then it was over again. That's the stupidest thing you can do as a young girl. I didn't care at the time. I just wanted to be part of it and then the next day at school I told the girls in my class that I had done it. Of course, I told them how good it had been, but I had long since forgotten about it. If I'd had the chance again today, I would of course have saved myself.

Ian had called me at some point when he found out from someone. He actually wanted to go with me again. As if one shitty time of sex equals experience. What was he thinking? I got back together with him anyway. I never slept with him because, as my first real boyfriend, he had conveyed something totally wrong to me about sex. Apart from that, this action made me even more interesting to the boys at school. They crossed my path constantly and deliberately and were usually on to me somehow. I had grown breasts in the meantime and the skin-tight hipster jeans were also a great fit. For me, sex had nothing to do with love. It was more of a status symbol or just for fun.

I wanted to send Ian some sexy photos so that he wouldn't feel so stupid because I kept turning him down. Somehow I had to convince him that it was still worth going with me. He would surely thinkthat I would let him after all. I certainly didn't want to mess things up with him.

I hadn't been a child for a long time and was happy about my successful pictures. At that time, we couldn't send each other photos via our cell phones because we didn't have Facebook, Snapchat or WhatsApp. So there had to be another way to get it to him. I uploaded the picture to a chat forum in a password-protected folder. I didn't think anything of it. My boyfriend wouldn't show it to anyone. I trusted him. He would certainly be pleased. When the other boys on my friends list discovered my folder, they asked me for the password. Then it occurred to me to have a good friend check the picture first. Of course, he had to promise not to give me the password first.

So I gave him the password and he looked at the picture. He thought it was great and told me that I could show it around. Unfortunately, it wasn't a day before someone had cracked the password and sent the pictures around. Of course, I was the last person to notice. A friend of mine, who was in tenth grade at my school, brought it to my attention while I was having a cigarette before class started."Sweetie? There's a very revealing picture of you circulating on the internet. Take a look here! I have it on my cell phone."I was shocked. I was incredibly embarrassed. I was ashamed and I was devastated that I couldn't take it back.

I was then allowed to look at my own pictures for days, which everyone had on their black Sony Ericsson Walkman cell phones. Even a guy who had previously had a real naked picture of himself wandering around pointed at me and blasphemed.

That was so silly. "What did the others think of me?" I asked myself during class. Of course, my classmates thought it was cool and celebrated me. Other students, on the other hand, insulted me as a slut. I somehow tried to get over it quickly. I just imagined it was all just a teen movie. Then it just happened to me. So what? I learned from it, I thought. I just wanted it to be quickly forgotten.

However, there was also a nasty gossip forum on the Internet. It was called IshareGossip.com. My picture was uploaded there and I was called a slut. Opinions were divided in the comments under the photo. A few anonymous users insulted me in the worst possible way. Others, however, were completely behind me."Leave her alone. She doesn't deserve this"or"It was definitely not her intention for the picture to end up here." I liked these comments and I gathered my courage again, even if I didn't know who they were coming from.

At some point, they started discussing in the comments who had uploaded the picture. I read everything. It almost got exciting. Of course, I also wanted to find out who had done it, but I was in the dark for ages. There was nothing I could do about it. The mob had it in for me. In the meantime, the boys from the higher classes were also treating me like a prostitute. At some point, I got so fed up that I started giving them slaps when they were so cheeky. But it didn't help. After all, they weren't afraid of me and still thought I was 'horny'. I wasn't strong enough and my survival strategies became questionable. Naturally, I started to simply drink my frustration away.

Weed

Berlin, October 2010

A girl like me was well received everywhere and everywhere. So I remained open, spontaneous and funny. I joined the next circle of stoners, took a few drags and was snubbed because I only smoked cheek.

I got myself something to solder immediately afterwards. Somehow my friendship with Gina suffered a lot under this new influence and we didn't meet up as often. She stayed behind at school shortly afterwards and had to repeat eighth grade.

I got to know Mathilda during a project week. We actually knew each other from before, at least by sight.

I then became super close friends with her and Gina hung out with her cousin after school. Mathilda loved smoking weed, so we quickly became close buddies. I liked her immediately. She stayed in school back then and we had a few classes together, including math and sports. We were also soon sitting next to each other in chemistry, totally high. We hardly noticed anything because we laughed most of the time and were completely broad.

We met up with the boys from my class every break and smoked a few big joints with them. Then we went back to class. Most of the time I couldn't cope at all. After a while, we tried to cut down on the smoking again. It usually went like this:"Please don't bring the weed tomorrow." "I won't."And the next day, during the first break, Mathilda came sprinting toand asked excitedly: "So, have you got it with you?"Of course I had it with me and we soldered everything away together. Our favorite thing to do was smoke before sports lessons together. I threw the basketball away and just tripped over my own feet instead of dribbling. But it was fun, and it made life more pleasant.

The money for our weed was practically thrown at me by one of my schoolmates. He always had enough cash in his pocket that his dad had given him. Everyone asked him for money and he gave it out without any nagging. Mathilda and I had thought about leaving it alone at first, but then we just asked him. Of course, we had told him that we needed it very urgently for some really important things. He always gave me the bills in a little roll of Smarties.

I took them out with a grin and waved them at Mathilda when he looked away. That's how we financed smoking weed for quite a while. But when he realized over time what we were using the money for, he cut me off and started smoking weed himself. So Mathilda and I used our savings or exchanged vouchers for money. At some point, I hardly paid any attention to my appearance, dyed my hair black and stopped straightening it. I only wore sweaters and jogging bottoms. I also lost my sexy figure through the consumption of weed. I didn't really care, and I quickly found another place in school society.

From being a pretty, nice girl for the boys and known as an ugly bitch by the jealous girls, I became a stoner chick and then hung out in the stoner corner. I smoked big joints there with the other pupils during the breaks. Our teachers didn't say much when we smoked a big bag there. They'd just say something like"Put that out"or"Put that away" fromtime to time.

Of course, we didn't give a damn and continued to smoke happily as soon as the teacher had left. I met up with Mathilda every day after school and we went to the square behind the school together. At some point, it got too dark and too cold in the bare square. As Mum had a new boyfriend who didn't live in Berlin, I had almost every weekend off. We watched DVDs at my place and ate pizza. We didn't go to bed late, got up again at midnight and smoked pot, then ate and went back to bed, then slept until the afternoon, got up again and smoked pot, ate and watched DVDs until the weekend was over. That went like clockwork.

I still have a lot of diary entries from that time and remember it fondly. The only bad thing about the whole thing was that smoking weed gave me a few withdrawal symptoms and also a few quirks.

I became slightly paranoid and the darkness of the time of year really got to me. It was now the end of October. When I wasn't out with Mathilda, I just slept and ate all kinds of fast food. I couldn't sleep very well at night when she wasn't with me and I was always creeped out by the old lady who lived above us. She would talk to ghosts around midnight and nag around up there until dawn.

She used to scare me when I was home alone and mom had gone to the late shift. That often triggered a sweat bath. I needed the weed slowly so that everything was fine. My body had also got used to it, it seemed to me.

I also hyperventilated quite suddenly once. I dreamt horrible things and thought I could see my room, so everything seemed terribly real to me.Mom was fortunately at home in this situation and instructed me to blow into a bag. This quickly got me breathing normally again and I fell asleep exhausted. The next morning, I smoked my first joint on the way to school with Mathilda.

I wanted to smoke another one right after, and we bought double the amount we needed that day. From then on, the days got shorter and shorter, and when I wasn't out with my friends, I got depressed. At school, my grades got worse and worse because of the weed, and I was in danger of not being able to transfer. I just didn't want to go to school and study.

Then New Year's Eve was just around the corner.

New Year's Eve

Berlin, New Year's Eve, 2010

Mathilda and I arrived at Mikey's house in the late afternoon. Mikey was a crazy guy from our school who most people avoided. We liked him. I don't remember how it came about, but he invited us to his New Year's Eve party.

Mathilda and I ran up the stairs at lightning speed. That was part of our routine, as we usually only sprinted up the stairs to the ticker like that. After a few steps, we were standing right in front of Mikey's front door, which was wide open.

We entered the apartment."Oh my! What's going on here? Mathilda, look how many people are hanging around here."Mathilda looked skeptical. What was going on here? A few people were hanging around on the floor, others were lying behind or on the couch. No one seemed to be conscious.

Suddenly we spotted Mikey. He was standing behind a mixing desk and playing some music for the party. "Hey chicks! Here you are at last!"Mikey was really happy and gave us a big hug. I stared into Mikey's huge eyes and got butterflies in my stomach. Mathilda and I then plopped down in a corner in the middle of the radiator and made ourselves a joint. A big joint to settle in.

After just under half an hour, some of the guys and girls woke up from their coma and then consumed all sorts of colorful stuff. Stuff I didn't know. Mikey stood right next to us and played his music, then he came down to us and held a CD case with sticky white paste in front of our noses."Do you want to shoot one too?"heasked, staringat us."Nah, give it a rest! We're just smoking weed,"Mathilda said, blowing the smoke out of her lungs and handing me the joint. I took a few drags and then handed it back to Mathilda."It's New Year's Eve today, girls, woo-hoo."Mikey was in a really good mood on his dope, but we weren't interested. Not yet. It was unknown territory for us, for sure.

So we just huddled comfortably in the corner on the floor and laughed at the others in the group who still couldn't get along."A bit of liquid too?" "Yesssss fatty! I'll have another cap."A guy in the last row woke up from his slumber and immediately stretched out his arms greedily for this "liquid". It was liquid ecstasy, also known as GBL or knockout drops. I had to deal with that later. Much later. Mathilda and I smoked one after the other, and after eight big joints it was already around twenty-three when a bizarre guy stumbled into Mikey's place. It was still open day here.

It had been a strange guy. He was wearing a long black coat, a hat and pointed leather shoes. Now he was just standing in the doorway. "I am Zorro! If you need anything. I'm here now." I see. What an announcement! No one seemed to notice him, so he sat down on the floor next to Mathilda, of all people.

I couldn't help grinning."What kind of cute mouse are you?" he asked her. The guy must have been forty or something. Mathilda moved closer to me."You look so Slavic," he added to his intrusive statement. We laughed at him and then had another joint. Next to us, they powdered their noses as a matter of course.

The strange Zorro came closer and closer and babbled extremely confused gibberish. When he then shouted out to Mathilda:"Latex would suit you, you sweet doll",it was over and she sat away from him for good. Now I was sitting next to this strange guy, but luckily for me, Zorro only wanted Mathilda. A short time later, one of the coma people from the other end of the room sat down in our corner and talked us through his new Nikes. He must have been proud of them! He also grilled me about it, which got on my nerves."How much do they cost?"Zorro was kind of pissed off because we weren't responding to him at all."These two are priceless," a school friend who had also attended the party chimed in from the corner.

After that, it was quiet and we immediately made our way home to me. The buddy who had just backed us up had now talked us into another tiny piece of his Pepp.

Mathilda put the small, transparent bag in her purse and we picked it up. We arrived at my house just before midnight and had a glass of champagne with my mom and her boyfriend. Then it happened very quickly and the new year was within our grasp. 10, 9, 8 ... 7 ... 6 ... 3, 2 ... 1 Yay!"New Year at last!"mom shouted when the hand reached zero. We hugged each other and then Mathilda and I disappeared into my room.

We spent an eternity discussing the rest of the evening. Stay with me, walk to her or go back to Mikey? At first I wanted to go back to him, just to experience something, but Mathilda wanted to go home. So we went to her place. Of course, my mom preferred that, even though she didn't know what was going on with Mikey. She had always thought a lot, because she had once been my age and had traveled with the sneaky buddies. When we arrived at Mathilda's, her mom had put a bottle of Pfeffi on her desk forus. We drank it half empty and went to bed later. It was a lovely New Year's Eve and the next morning was relaxed because we didn't have to go to school.

Already a little more colorful

Berlin, January 2011

It was a completely normal Friday. I had a storm-free night as Mathilda and I sat on my bed.

We drank the leftover New Year's Eve pepper and liqueur that evening. We had completely forgotten that the next day was open day at school and we had to turn up. Skipping a whole day was out of the question. Apart from that, we would much rather have been high in class than skipping and messing up our report card. At some point during the night, we smoked another cigarette and then hit the sack. We could hardly sleep, though, so we spent the rest of the night at my house. We just lay there and chatted about a buddy, how he always adored Mathilda. You have to find a boy like that first, but Mathilda was very insecure and never really wanted to throw herself into anything. Nevertheless, we used to talk about her and her beau for hours. In the morning, we were dog-tired and had to jog to school. We were really listless.

Then one of us remembered the Pepp. Mathilda took it out and quickly pulled it out of the baggy with a straw. She looked normal to me and put everything on my desk."Here and now you, then we have to go. I'm going to do my hair quickly."I was glad I was alone with this stuff because I didn't want to pull in front of her. I pulled out half of what was left and let the rest of the powder trickle into my room. I didn't want to take too much at first because I couldn't judge it. I then got dressed, put on my make-up and waited for Mathilda, whohad tied her hair up in a plait in the bathroom. When she came out of the bathroom, we walked silently out of the front door.

The way to school was so bright. Everything was suddenly so colorful, almost bright. Unusual, because it was the middle of January. Unusual, but still beautiful. Those were my thoughts. I felt warm and unzipped my pink vest. We smoked a few cigarettes in a row and then went into the second house of the school. We sat in the auditorium and chatted with the other girls while some movie about our class played on the projector that we didn't notice. At the end, a few girls from the parallel classes danced for the visitors and we all left again. Outside, I met a friend from the parallel class. Mathilda had long since walked home with the others."Shall we have a weed?"heaskedme, looking stoned. I just grinned and then we had a smoke together and he walked me home. We said goodbye and I went upstairs and to my room.

Why had this day passed so quickly? Why was I sweating? Why wasn't I tired yet? I hadn't fallen in love with this feeling, I hadn't paid enough attention to what it was doing to me. I was exhausted at some point and hit the hay.

Between anger and frustration

Berlin, September 2011

Not much changed for me after New Year's Eve. Mathilda and I smoked a little less pot. Instead, we went out more often with the other girls from our school. We arranged to meet up outside in parks and had drinks there, went to birthday parties or ice hockey. There was always something going on. It all dragged on until spring came. The lighter days made my depressive phases disappear and everything loosened up in my mind again.

However, I was no longer able to save my school grades. I had done so poorly that I had to repeat ninth grade. So I ended up sitting in the same class as Gina again. We quickly became a great duo again and sat next to each other in every subject, getting a few reprimands for our cheeky behavior and our forgotten sports gear. But I also suddenly stopped smoking weed completely. I had already stopped during the summer vacations because I had flown to London on vacation with my mom and her boyfriend. We celebrated my fifteenth birthday there and I dyed my hair blonde, put on a lot of make-up and got dressed up again. I was really into glitter and 'bling, bling'.

I had more self-confidence again and all the stress and the feeling that I had become addicted to weed seemed almost a thing of the past.

The vacation was very nice and thanks to my excellent English we were able to communicate well with the people there. I enjoyed traveling with my Ellis andthe vacation went smoothly. I got a pair of sparkly high heels for my birthday, but I only pranced around in them at home and lots of other things I had wished for. My stepdad woke me up gently and brought me four pink donuts to my room. The day was perfect.

So after the vacations, I was back on fire with Gina, and we spent the weekends again going to house parties or celebrating at my house. My world was carefree and happy.

Until I got a few hate mails via a chat forum and they ruined almost every day for me. I got the messages from a girl from another school and her friends. One of them was known as a bully chick and, unfortunately for me, had "eaten" me right away. I didn't know any of the three of them personally."Hey, you little bitch. Let's meet up and I'll burn your eyes out!" or"You ugly bitch, if I see you, you're dead."I would eat up messages like that day in, day out. I was really angry about the emails, but I also got a bit scared afterwards when they threatened me with other people. I didn't reply, and it wasn't until they insulted my mom that I snapped at my laptop."Leave me alone. Don't talk about my family. You fucked up idiots! What do you want from me? What do you want?"

There was no answer to my question, just more insults and pointless threats. I still didn't know what they wanted from me. At some point, one girl told me why they were so angry and wanted me to suffer. Her boyfriend had taken my photo from the internet. Apparently he even printed it out and hung it up somewhere in his room.

What could I do about it? The world wasn't fair. I had a real gang of haters on my back. I really had a lot of enemies at my school. Only girls, of course, especially the ones I'd never spoken to before. They often threatened to beat me up, and since I had no one by my side except my Gina, I just swallowed every time they stood up in front of me as a posse.

On what was initially a fun day, when Gina and I were about to leave school dressed and made up in our partner look, I got a huge fright. We were just about to get on our ancient GDR bikes and ride home when I recognized their faces from afar. The three girls ran towards me and surrounded me so that I couldn't run away. Then they shouted at me and insulted me, and when I shouted back at them and wanted to know what the hell they wanted from me, I got my first slap.

I hardly felt anything, and out of reflex I let myself fall against my bike anyway, so that they might leave immediately when they saw that I was already "knocked out". But that wasn't the case. They tugged at me and I just remember half the school watching and nobody doing anything about it. Gina was standing somewhere off to the side and the hysterical girls pushed me around and pushed me into a corner of the schoolyard.

All I could see was the wide open mouth with braces in it of one of the girls in front of my face and, incidentally, I felt myself getting hit with a fist. It hurt a bit and it hit my jaw, which I can still crack today because of it. I howled like a castle dog and they were delighted that all my make-up was now running off.

It really didn't take long for my personality to change drastically.

I became more aggressive and snotty towards anyone who seemed like an enemy. I didn't put up with anything anymore. I wished I could run into them again and then I would snap. To this day, because of my decision to react differently, I am still very easily provoked when someone provokes me. Like a ticking time bomb.

Back then, I was just scared and cowardly. I just took everything in my stride and didn't do anything about it. I just didn't dare.

So while all three of them talked at me, insulted me and one of them gave me a few bombs, the entire student body looked on and nobody reacted. Marc and Fred were also standing a bit apart, shouting a few times from outside the circle, but somehow no one dared to intervene. My elective teacher, Mr. Locke, also rode past us on his bike, turned around once more and then simply turned onto the road.

I was crying snot and water, but it didn't seem to affect anyone. Gina was pushed away from me and I kept wondering when someone would finally come and end it all. At some point, my chemistry teacher, Mrs. Schulze, showed up. I was just grateful that someone had finally stepped in."Girls, come on. Get out of here. You're not students from this school,"she said, pushing in front of me and trying to steer the gang away."That bitch slept with my boyfriend,"one of the girlssaid, grinning filthily at me behind my teacher's back.

Of course she lied. "But I don't care. Go home. Leave them alone,"Mrs. Schulzesaidforcefully. At some point, the brats finally left and I thanked my teacher. Then she dragged me, all upset, to the office and I had to tell her what had just happened.de. The school wanted to press charges, but I refused. I certainly had nothing to gain from it. Later, I rode home with Gina on our GDR bikes, totally crushed. When I got home, I thought again about what had happened.

I got angrier and angrier, at the girls and then at myself. Why hadn't I put up a fight? I was at the end of my rope. I should have defended myself. The next day, my stepfather picked me up from school and in the afternoon I went to the doctor with my rattling jaw. My jaw was slightly bruised and I was prescribed a massage. I then just hung around at home for quite a while. I processed the beating by writing hateful lyrics and then singing them to myself at home, putting a beat from the internet underneath and recording the whole thing and then listening to it over and over again.

I was celebrated in my class for getting punched in the face. Crazy world!

They thought I was cool because all they saw was that these people knew me, that I had apparently started a fight and that I was the center of attention. After a few weeks, however, I had somehow forgotten about the whole thing, as I'd long since got into trouble again.

Mikey and his project

Berlin, March 2012

Gina's mother was not feeling well at all, so Gina could no longer live at home. She and her brother had to stay somewhere else until her mom's situation had stabilized again.

Unfortunately, Gina never came to me with her problems and ended up living with her cousin. As a result, we saw less and less of each other because she no longer went to school regularly. At some point, contact broke off completely and I ended up only spending my weekends with Mikey.

Do you remember Mikey? Sure, how could you forget this unique guy! He asked me after school if I would smoke a joint with him on Valentine's Day. I agreed and then we smoked. It must have been a bag or two, and afterwards we went to my house and ate KitKat and pizza.

We got on really well and he distracted me from my problems with his crazy nature. From that day on, we met up regularly when I came home from school and spent every weekend together. We smoked and drank at my place from Friday to Sunday.

At some point, Mikey had had enough of drinking and brought a little speed with him. So he showed his true colors again. I had no idea beforehand how drunk Mikey really was and that he had no problem taking a drag every day. I had no idea about the whole thing anyway. I was well buzzed and just wanted to try out what it was like to inhale acouple of noses instead of constantly going round in circles with my problems at school and thoughts of Gina, who had simply slipped through my fingers.

From the moment I drew this line through the straw into my nostril, a door opened to a world in which I had been completely stuck for an incredible five years.

This world that meant everything to me, that changed me and made me the person I am today. Everything about me simply changed. Piece by piece. Day by day. Weekend after weekend.

At first, however, it was just an exceptionally colorful evening at my house. At the end of the weekend, all my clothes were scattered around my room because we had organized a mega costume party.

We hadn't eaten or drunk anything, and at some point I noticed that I had become quite chubby. I had never noticed this and nobody had told me. I got on the scales and was amazed at my weight. My eyes were really open for the first time. So open that I finally saw the truth about my life.

From that moment on, it was clear that I had to lose a few kilos. I felt totally clear-headed and my worries burst like little soap bubbles. I left everything that had always bothered me so much behind me and I didn't think about it for a second after that evening. Not even when I came down again. While I was sitting on our balcony with Mikey at some point, it must have been around mid-March, he said:"You're ready. I knew from the beginning that you had the potential to change. To become someone. You're like me."

He looked me in the eye and smiled trustingly."So let's go! What are you waiting for? Drop the mask,"he added and took a drag on his cigarette. I could feel my face relax. My fake grin finally turned into a genuine smile. Suddenly I was just there. I was myself. I felt free and knew I could and no longer had to pretend to him who I was to make him like me or to suit him.

He just took me as I was. Even if I was on drugs. It didn't matter a jot, because what was happening felt real."Are you going to help me change even more?"Iasked. "Do you know any more people who are different? I don't want any more of this."I looked at him dreamily and he just whispered.

"I'll show you my world. And when you're ready, you'll understand me."I was totally thrilled and delighted inside. I wasn't excited, I was just calm and introverted. The guy who many people at school said was totally crazy was now sitting in front of me and believed that I could understand him. No one had understood him because everyone had already judged him, just like they had me.

It took less than two months before we were speaking the same language. I quickly lost several kilos that I had too much on my ribs and was a real flapper afterwards. I didn't care at all. I felt freer with every kilo I lost and at some point I hardly ate anything at all. All the pounds I had put on while moping at home and writing nasty texts on paper tumbled off. The weight. It finally disappeared. During this time, Mikey became my best friend. He was like my second self, and I wasn't me anymore.

Was I disturbed? Today I know that it's simply complicated. Puberty is a difficult phase. A phase in which you change a lot. Even if we always think we've got it all figured out and everything else is nonsense. We weren't finished yet. We had the odd bright moment, I realize that today. But if you take drugs during this difficult phase of development, more things get mixed up than they already are.

Mikey the unique

Berlin, May 2012

So Mikey and I chilled out together every day. Sometimes we hung out outside in the courtyard behind the school, sometimes in another schoolyard, sometimes at Alex, sometimes at my house. He picked me up from school every day after lessons. I only hung out with Mikey and eventually got to know his clique, a really strange bunch.

Thirty-five-year-old Tolga, sweet and with a major drug problem, who looked like he was on the verge of snuffing it, and his twenty-eight-year-old, shy buddy who went by the nickname Lausi. Lausi was a super-nice young man who had a good house. He didn't have a job, but he seemed totally fine to me. He was also joined at some point by Ken, a slim blond guy. He was always funny and in a good mood. I liked every single one of them and felt very comfortable when we were together. But before I got to know Mikey's clique, we spent most weekends at my house. We drank alcohol and the paste was part of our weekly ritual. The snow trickled quietly, whatever the season.

Thanks to Mikey, I finally got out and about again, to the gas station at night and everywhere else. Pretty much everywhere. He just made me feel alive because he always talked a lot about life. He always thought a lot, and I could just hang on to him and follow him.

He had always stood in the schoolyard like a signpost waiting for me. He had his own opinion and didn't conform anywhere. He tried hard to steer me in this direction. He simply wanted to tease out of me who I really was and not who I pretended to be.

By working together on the insecure person I had become over the last few years at school, I discovered new sides to myself. I liked myself better every day that I spent under the wing of my best friend. He really became the best. The first guy in my life that I spent so much time with. He was at my place every day, we talked on the phone in the evening and there was always something to talk about. We didn't need anyone else when we were together. There was never a dull moment with him and it wasn't long before we had merged and everyone only knew us as a couple.

I didn't care what the others thought of him because he was simply good for me. Many people didn't like him and didn't want to have anything more to do with me. We became stronger and stronger together. They couldn't stand that. But they couldn't think us away.

Drug experiences and a bonsai tree

Berlin, a few months earlier

Once, it must have been at the very beginning of our friendship, we were peppering at my house. Toralf from the farm behind the school was there and Pete, one of Mikey's buddies. At some point we were totally hooked on the paste that Mikey had bought. That weekend was the first time I was awake for three days and nights. Sometime in the middle of those three days, Pete sat on the floor, right in front of my mom's big bonsai tree that was in the living room.

He soon started talking all over him."Hey, my handsome. I'm taking you to the outdoor pool. We'll have a good time. I like you,"he blurted out without making a face.

It made me laugh so hard. At first I thought he was just joking. The others sat with me on our big corner couch, except for Mikey. He had plopped himself down on the chair by the window and was watching the action from there. "I already know what I call you,"Petewhispered."I call you Treebeard."

He sounded very calm and collected. He rattled a lot. I found it incredibly interesting and could well imagine that the energy Pete radiated would go straight into the bonsai tree. I then sat down on the floor with him and just stared at him. I was totally fascinated by it."Come to your senses, Pete,"I heard from the corner by the window.

Mikey didn't find the whole thing funny at all, because he knew Pete well enough to know that it would only get out of hand."Why don't you leave him alone? That's cool. He's totally into it. Do younotice that? How focused Pete is?"I whispered quietly to the group so that I wouldn't disturb him.

The paste was damn fine, and while the rest of us tucked into another lane, Pete was totally transfixed on his tree beard. He had no need for a refill and was still staring at the leaves on my mom's bonsai. At some point, he started to pick up the Easter decorations from the windows and carefully hung them in the tree until it was completely decorated.

A picture for the gods. Stable Pete was sitting there cross-legged on the floor and was almost hypnotized. At that moment, I knew that drugs were going to be something brilliant. I felt that from now on a drug era would begin in which I would hopefully see many psychedelic things. If the peppers were already blowing us away, how awesome ecstasy or LSD would be.

Toralf was getting tired. He hadn't hit the ground like the rest of us and then got up unpredictably quickly and grabbed our vacuum cleaner."Didn't you say we'd clean up at twelve?"He was the only sensible one of us, and I was pleased that he was willing to help me with the place. He plugged the cable of the vacuum cleaner into the socket and then just started going around the whole apartment and vacuuming. While the vacuum cleaner was blowing loudly, Pete was still in a deep connection with his little tree.

He couldn't be dissuaded from just concentrating on it and obviously got on with him without words. Still sitting there after nearly four hours without moving, staring at the tree, Mikey finally saw the urge to act."Fatty! Enough is enough. You're overdoing it. You psycho. Leave the tree alone now."