A Haverin' History of Scotland E-Book

Norman Ferguson

• Herausgeber: The History Press
• Kategorie: Geisteswissenschaft
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 191

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2018

Beschreibung

Television, penicillin, the telephone, A Haverin' History of Scotland. All of these have been created by a Scotsperson, although not all will appear on a tea towel listing great Scottish inventions.* Scotland is as old as any other country – maybe even more so, judging by the state of the pavements. This means that it has a lot of a history. A lot! Some of those whose epic deeds have echoed down the centuries include William 'Braveheart' Wallace, King Robert 'the Bruce' the Bruce and Queen Mary 'Queen of Scots' Queen of Scots. Among many others, they all feature in this concise and relatively cheap history of the country people all over the world call Scotland. Because that is its name. Whether you know your Scottish history, or you think the Lewis Chessmen were a 1960s beat combo, A Haverin' History of Scotland is the unreliable history book for you. *Does anyone still watch television?

Leseprobe

There are few more impressive sights in the world than a Scotsman making things up.

J.M. Barrie

NORMAN FERGUSON has been writing for over fifteen years and can now do joined-up letters and everything. He started writing comedy for radio with BBC Radio 2, Radio 4, Radio Scotland and 5 Live. He has also written for TV comedy sketch shows such as Channel 4’s Smack the Pony. His comedy claim to fame is making Radiohead’s Thom Yorke laugh on Radio 1. He lives in Edinburgh.1

1Norman, not Thom Yorke.

Dedicated to all the people of Scotland.Especially those who buy this book.

Cover illustrations:

Front: © Martin Latham.

Back: © Alan Rowe.

First published 2018

The History Press

The Mill, Brimscombe Port

Stroud, Gloucestershire, GL5 2QG

www.thehistorypress.co.uk

Text © Norman Ferguson, 2018

Illustrations © Alan Rowe, 2018

The right of Norman Ferguson to be identified as the Author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

Alan Rowe has asserted his right, under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988, to be identified as Illustrator of this Work.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or reproduced or utilised in any form or by any electronic, mechanical or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, without the permission in writing from the Publishers.

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data.

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

ISBN 978 0 7509 8846 9

Typesetting and origination by The History Press

Printed and bound by CPI Group (UK) Ltd

eBook converted by Geethik Technologies

CONTENTS

Introduction

1   The Big Bang, or That was Louder than the One O’clock Gun

2   The Ice Age, or When will a Scotsperson Invent Anti-Freeze?

3   The Stone Age, or When will Plastic Bags be Invented?

4   The Bronze Age, or Any Sign of Plastic Being Invented?

5   The Iron Age, or Seriously, No Plastic Yet?

6   The Romans, or Dude, Where’s My Chariot?

7   The Dark Ages, or Has a Scotsperson Not Invented Light Bulbs Yet?

8   The Middle Ages, or Now That’s what I Call a Gross Death, Volume 27

9   The Wars of Independence, or Whaur’s Your Wullie Wallace Noo?

10 The Stewarts, or See You, King Jimmy

11 The Reformation, or You’ll Have Had Your Holy See

12 King James Six, or Lock Up Your Daughters (If They’re Witches)

13 Civil War, or King Charlie and the Covenanting Factory

14 Another King Mess, or James Oh Oh Seven

15 Bonnie Prince Charlie, or They Think it’s Hanover

16 The Enlightenment, or Watt was the Name of the Man who Invented the Steam Condenser?

17 The Industrial Revolution, or When will Flexi-Time be Invented?

18 The Nineteenth Century Oatcake, or Great Walter Scott (and Others!)

19 The Not-So-Great World War, or The Mud and Being Shelled Novelty is Wearing Off

20 The Inter-War Years, or Buddy, Can You Spare Me a Shilling?

21 The Second Not-So-Great World War, or Who Do You Think You’re Killing, Mr Hitler?

22 Post-War, or I’m So Over this Rationing

Acknowledgements & Author’s Note

INTRODUCTION

Scotland is as old as any other country – maybe more so, judging by the state of the pavements. Charity shops and libraries are full of history books that give a full account of the long and winding road of Scotland’s past. TC ‘Top Cat’ Smout, Tam ‘Tom’ Devine, Fiona ‘Fiona’ Watson – these are just some of the names that appear on the front of well-researched incisive tomes, none of which were read by this author, who gets his history from Ladybird books, the Internet and Top Trumps cards.1 This lack of historical rigour and accuracy should not stand in the way of a publisher’s deadline and most of the incidents and events are true(ish). As the old Scottish proverb says, ‘Minesweeper doesn’t play itself’.

Now history – even the well-written, exhaustively researched stuff – can tend to concentrate on the comings and goings of monarchs. The lives of the common people like you and me are often forgotten amongst tales of the kings and queens and fairy princesses who were born to rule over the common and usually dirty peasants. This is not because these common people’s lives were in any way boring or uninteresting, it’s just that no one wrote Ladybird books about them. Which probably does mean they were boring and uninteresting.

But as all good things have to come to an end, all bad things have to come to a start.

Let us begin at the very beginning …

_________

1 William Wallace scores well on battles, but not so high on longevity.

There are two ways of looking at the formation of the universe. There’s the ‘God way’, which is simple: a bearded man (or woman – hashtag Everyday Sexism Alert) issued some spells – hocus pocus, abracadabra, etc. – and lo and behold the Earth and light and stars and gravity, etc. were formed. The other, which is repeated by scientists endlessly if you get stuck at a party with them, is that there was a ‘Big Bang’. This supposedly flung particles such as atoms and protons and photons and the like out into space and then some stuff happened that definitely wasn’t magic but actual Proper Science. Atoms such as hydrogen and oxygen met and got on so well they joined together in what would later be called ‘chemistry’ and formed a ‘chemical’ called ‘water’. This water needed a place to go and luckily such a place was being formed: Scotland.

Scotland was on a planet (glamorously named ‘Earth’) located in a galaxy which, appropriately for a nation of sweet-toothed inhabitants, was named after a chocolate bar: The Milky Way. The land on which the country stood was originally part of the Mediterranean coast and would have stayed there but for a dispute over image rights.

However, there were other things going on under the surface – literally. Huge things called tectonic plates move slowly – even slower than the attitudes of the West Lothian Orange Order – and it took aeons until the assorted land, lochs and bits where anthrax would be tested came to form what we would call Scotland. And what the rest of the world would call … Scotland.

The country’s shape around this time was much like it is now. We all know Italy resembles a boot and Ireland resembles a koala bear. Scotland looked like many of its future inhabitants in that it had a large, wide bottom and was craggy at the top. And there is also a part that looks like a very rude part of the human anatomy, but it’s best to stop right there before anyone of a sensitive disposition finds out that the Mull of Kintyre looks like a large male [word edited out on grounds of taste].

Other lands were created too, of course: Iceland, due to it having a lot of ice; Greenland, as it was populated by inexperienced people, and Finland due to its large population of sharks. It would be both presumptuous and arrogant to claim that Scotland was the most beautiful of all the lands: you’d be blithely ignoring the presence of Saltcoats.1

Due to the forces of geology that lie under our feet (unless you’re lying down while reading this, in which case – under your bum) the western part of Scotland is rising. Now it’s not something to panic about, and it’s not that you’d notice it (Scots have never been showy). At the end of the age when the land was covered with ice and when the weight of the glaciers was gone, this part of the land mass started to lift. Could it lead to all of Scotland becoming free of the ground underneath? Could the whole country float off and – powered with all those wind farms – one day fulfil the crazy dreams of many and be steered back towards its rightful place in the Mediterranean, where Scots can relax in the balmy warmth and burn those weary, winter clothes?2

Can you imagine though: Ochilview olives, Greenock grapes, Wick wines? Sound nice, don’t they? Shame it’ll never happen. Thanks, geology. For nothing.

BEN NEVIS

Scotland’s highest point is Ben Nevis. The lowest point is that draw with Iran in the 1978 World Cup. Big Ben is the highest mountain in the whole of Britain and it sits at over 4,000ft. That’s all it does. Just sits. It’s a very lazy hill. It’s said that for 300 days a year, fog covers its top. This is a boon for local tourism businesses as climbers don’t know if they’ve reached the summit and so come back to make sure. As the old Scottish proverb says, ‘Repeat business is good business’.

RAIN

In a recent interview, a meteorologist was asked if Scotland got more rain than the other parts of Britain. He replied, ‘Yes.’ He wasn’t lying. It doesn’t just rain in Scotland, it rrrrrrrains. If the rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain, the rain in Scotland stays mainly on everyone. As the old Scottish proverb says, ‘Well, you should have brought your umbrella, shouldn’t you?’ So wise.

WIND

Of course, it doesn’t just rain in Scotland. It also blows. The strongest wind ever recorded was at Cairn Gorm. (Its sister hill does not have a cairn and is therefore Cairn Gormless.) The wind speed on this occasion was recorded at 172mph. If you can’t imagine how fast this is, picture how quickly you can close the door, douse the lights and get hidden behind the sofa at Halloween when the hefty kids come down your street looking for sweets.

COAST

According to experts, Scotland’s coast is the second most intricate in the whole world. On an episode of the television programme We Made a Programme About the Coast, an expert stated that due to the effect of fractals on measuring, the coastline is infinite. Eh? What have they been smoking? This ‘expert’ explained that if you measured the distance around a bay using a 1m ruler and it gave a distance of 200m and then you measured it with a 50cm ruler it would give a distance of 250m and if you used a 25cm ruler it would give 300m and so on and on. To infinity. This is not of immediate historical or comedic value, but it blew the writer of this book’s tiny mind when he heard it and he thought it worth sharing. It’s infinite? What the actual?

OLD

According to a display panel hastily scanned in a museum, Scottish rocks are amongst the oldest in the world. Take that, Bavarian gneiss! In your face, Australian breccia! Scots rocks are so old they remember when you could find a reasonably priced hotel in Edinburgh in August. Some of these rocks have become features of their own: Dumbarton Rock, Bass Rock and Edinburgh Rock – although the last one is actually sold as confectionery. Dentists in Scotland are very well off.

DINOSAURS

The early land of Scotland was inhabited by dinosaurs, one of which liked it so much she stayed around for the following millenniums. To the doubters who naysay the existence of this old creature – commonly known as ‘the Loch Ness Monster’3 – of course Nessie exists. She’s got a page on Wikipedia. As the kids say a lot, ‘Duh, Dad!’

Sadly, all the other dinosaurs succumbed to thrombosis from sitting around waiting on their paws to evolve (hello, Tyrannosaurus rex) or their necks to shorten so they could enjoy a meal the same month it was chewed (hello, those long-neckedosaurus ones). Many scientists now claim a meteor killed the dinosaurs but, as with all things scientific, it depends on how much faith you put in the evidence.4

The dinosaurs were followed in the evolutionary track by animals such as the Smilodon, more commonly known as the sabre-toothed tiger, which the tigers themselves were well pleased with – Smilodon indeed. They got through a helluva lot of Bonjela5 though – imagine biting your tongue with those colossal canines in your mouth?

Other beasts around at the time were woolly mammoths. Jumpers woven from their wool were hideously expensive, mainly due to the compensation packages paid out to wool collectors’ families. The mammoths, who received nothing in the way of financial reward, did not take kindly to being sheared, especially with the Ice Age coming up.6 They thought they’d show the money-grabbing fleece-baggers who was boss and immediately made themselves extinct. Talk about cutting off your trunk to spite your face …

EARLY HUMANS

Soon it was time for the quadrupeds to move over as the bipeds were making their move. These early humans were called Homo erectus, which is the sort of name that puerile schoolboys would have a field day with but luckily the discerning readers of this tome are way above such inanity and wouldn’t stand for such erectile humour dysfunction.

After a while, and bored of being in caves frightened of being eaten by a huge beast, they evolved into another species: Homo sapiens. This was not a great success. As the name implies, saps they were and they got sand kicked in their faces by the other bipeds that were on the scene, such as the Homo bulliens.

CAVE PAINTINGS

Despite the image some might have, these early humanoids weren’t just hairy-arsed creatures grunting and going around scratching their hairy arses. Yes, they did do that quite a lot, but they had time (plenty of time) to do other things. One thing was art classes and now thousands of tourists, thousands of years later, go to see the astonishing images of animals, painted thousands of years ago by cave dwellers who dwelled in these caves thousands of years ago. Sadly, these thousands have to go to France as there aren’t any prehistoric marvels left in Scotland’s caves. They have been covered by more modern ‘artwork’ along the lines of sentiments such as ‘Jaydyene luvs Suggsy’, ‘Bumby Nolan is a bum’ and graphical depictions of the act of physical love. It is believed no visitor has ever come from France to see these.

_________

1 Which most do.

2 Sadly, no.

3 Not exactly a moniker that’s likely to cause the creature to want to appear publicly. Would you want to come in front of a crowd who’ve called you a monster? Look what happened to Frankenstein’s monster …

4 If you get this joke, well done. If not, don’t worry, a scientist will explain its hilariousness to you. Stephen Hawking would have thought this a zinger.

5 Other pain-relieving mouth gels are available.

6 Belated spoiler alert!

The Ice Age was a dramatic time of ice and snow mixed with complaints about the council’s gritting services. It wasn’t all icy doom and snowy gloom, however. Energy companies called it the Good Times Age, but eventually the citizens discovered they could collect their own sticks to burn and these companies became extinct.

There had been a mass migration of those who didn’t like the cold much, who moved south to warmer places such as France and Spain and Anywhere But Scotland. They missed the Sunday Post newspaper and the couthy banter (couthy banter) and longed to return north but they couldn’t. The ice had formed things called ‘glaciers’ – large blocks of ice that were very cold and very hard, very similar to the stare you get when you suggest spending Christmas in your own house this year. These glaciers were not too keen on the cold themselves and raced southwards to escape at a rate of 1mm per century.

Eventually the Ice Age ended (or rather, melted) as temperatures started to rise. Humans started to edge cautiously northwards. Some stopped off in what became known as ‘London’. They ate cockles and mussels and sang Chas ’n’ Dave ditties to keep warm. They had no idea what a ‘Snooker Loopy’ was, but they were simple folk and it didn’t keep them awake at night. What did was anxiety. They were anxious, worried about what lay north of Watford, but the brave souls amongst them continued, searching onwards, venturing forwards through the rugged terrain until they reached the wild, untamed lands of Luton and Stevenage. Those who had taken utter leave of their senses carried on further (farther?)1 north. After much walking, they reached the place we call Scotland. They took one look and turned straight round until someone pointed out that summer was drawing near and they’d need to find warm shelter. So, they carried on.

EARLY PEOPLES

These early peoples could be described as ‘nomads’ but many called them ‘Very Much Mads’ in the punning jocularity that, along with most people of the time, soon died out. Life was hard. And short. There were many things that could kill you. The stress of not knowing anything about mindfulness and how to cope with anxiety was chief amongst the killers.

It was a shame these early peoples couldn’t enjoy their environment. They found an abundance of foodstuffs: ripe berries, succulent game birds, tender mammals, tasty sea fish – all of which they made even more delicious by frying in golden batter and burying in salt. There was plenty of food to go around as the population of Scotland around this time was about 10,000. The population was so small they all knew each other by name. Ug, Ugg and Uggg were popular names, but it could lead to confusion over spellings, so eventually they all decided to call themselves Shug.

However, with such a small population there was nothing that everyone didn’t know. Go around with your mammoth pants on outside-in and the whole country was laughing at you, Mr Silly Outside-In Mammoth Pants. This resulted in what was later known as introspection, without which much poetry and indie music might never have happened.

These early humans became hunter-gatherers. The men-humans gathered to talk about that really big one they almost caught and the women sat around raising the children, making the food, cleaning the fur coats, arranging the babysitting rota, washing the area behind children’s ears, hoping a Scotsperson would invent scissors soon so they’d be able to tell their children not to run with them, rearranging the stone furniture and so on, and if there was time they’d bake, mend the tablecloths, plan social gatherings, go over the homework, fantasise about a time when those do-nothing menfolk would put up a rock shelf without having to be awarded a medal for it, and so on.

These hunter-gatherers used tools known as microliths (small, flinty cutting tools made from stone) that are easily confused with microlights (small, flimsy aircraft used to cut down the numbers of amateur pilots). These tools were colour-coded for health and safety hygiene reasons:

Green – poultry

Red – fish

Blue – vegetables

Yellow – sacrificing family members.

Yes, life was hard but it was organic, which counts for something. And in this hippy paradise there was an abundance of wild herbs, spices and – unfortunately for those entranced by beauty who were enjoying being in the moment (and not keeping a good lookout) – sudden death by predator. It was something else to get stressed about.

FIRE

Around this time there was one major element missing from life: fire, without which lighting cigarettes was impossible. Once fire was invented (by a Scotsperson, despite Scotland not having been officially invented yet – that’s how innovative Scots are), life was transformed for these primitive and hairy creatures. With fire came light and they could now see what utter squalor they were living in: the window sills were inches deep in dust, there were bones lying about, and as for the toilets, well it’s something to be thankful for that the sense of smell hadn’t evolved too much.

With their caves now lit in the long, dark evenings, these early Scots-to-be could now have friends over for dinner and entertain into the night and, more lethally, forget about the boiling-over chip pans and then asphyxiate themselves when they fell asleep. Although fire had been invented, fire brigades hadn’t.

_________

1 We’ll catch this in the edit.

These early peoples in early Scotland lived in a world very different to ours. They had to get through life without BBC’s Reporting Scotland. It’s impossible to comprehend life like that. If a cat was stuck up a tree in Peebles they didn’t get to hear about it for weeks. But this wasn’t all – they had no central heating, no medicine and no fleece jumpers, although they could use animal hides for warmth. Most of the animals didn’t mind too much, as long as they were still inside their hides when involved. When they discovered there was a fondness for their skins without themselves attached they felt less happy, and invented a popular Scottish pastime: being miserable.

The people of this time are sometimes called the Late Neoliths. This really annoyed the Early Neoliths who couldn’t see what was so hard about turning up on time. But the Late Neoliths were there in time for their own period, so it worked out okay. Eventually they died and doubly justified their label.

SKARA BRAE

One of the most remote habitats – unless you were there already – was at Skara Brae (Skara Brae) in Orkney. The Braerarians had a lovely spot near the beach, handily close to the Historic Scotland visitor centre. This, however, proved to be detrimental to their well-being, with many succumbing to diabetes from overindulgence on chocolate chip shortbread. This led to another round of gleeful hand rubbing by Scottish dentists.

As this was the Stone Age, the dwelling places were built of stone and boy were they long-lasting. They had to be. They were inhabited for 600 years – that’s how long it took to pay off the mortgage. The old Scots proverb might say, ‘Where there’s muck, there’s brass’, but it could also say, ‘Where there’s stone, there’s money’.

Skara Brae was a prime site, much in demand. These compact and bijou residences, with open sea views and easy access to amenities (the dung heap was out the back), afforded good protection against invaders and carnivores. It was these qualities and more that later attracted Mary, Queen of Scots to stay there in an attempt to avoid being shouted at by John Knox.

BEAKER PEOPLE

You hope, when you leave this life behind, that you will leave some remnant, some mark that says, ‘I was here’. It’s a natural urge to feel our time on the planet was not just a temporary sojourn from which we depart without a trace. Who wants to feel the way Willie Rennie1