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- Herausgeber: Johnny Two Kebabs
- Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
- Sprache: Englisch
The strangest episode of Johnny’s adventures so far sees him confronted by the ghost of Margaret Thatcher and the mysterious death of one of his acquaintances. His investigations of an esoteric and well-being convention lead him to attend some therapy sessions where he is surprised at the expertise of some of the therapists. But he becomes convinced that one of them is, in fact, a brutal murderer. Will Maggie help or hinder the investigation? Will Johnny be persuaded to embrace Neo-liberal politics? How much does Johnny cost His Majesty’s treasury each year? All these questions are explored in these latest nail-biting memoirs of Johnny Two Kebabs.
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Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024
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To
Johnny Fenton
Q.E.D.P.
Thanks to
Geraldine Mc Kenna, Jaakko Tulkki
and Patricia Mc Kenna
Copyright © 2022 Kieran Mc Kenna
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
CONTENTS
A Note From The Editor
Who Is Johnny Two Kebabs?
1. “Fakirs and snake charmers taking over the streets"
2. “The eyes of Caligula and the lips of Marilyn Monroe"
3. "Grand Wizard of the lesser known path"
4. "This is what happens under socialism"
5. “He was a hunter and he enjoyed the thrill of the chase"
6. “He had once acquired a fungal infection around his crotch"
7. “‘Jock itch’ is more common than ever today "
8. "A crooked tree grows from a bad seed"
9. “Why work for money when you can marry into it?”
10. “If he suspected for a moment that he wouldn’t get the cash, they could fuck off"
11. “Is there a better elixir for a man than the breath of a young virgin?”
12. “Nasty ignorant bigots"
13. “When was the last time you told someone you loved them?”
14. “Feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem"
15. “Hug the person nearest to you"
16. “Beware of false prophets"
17. “You can’t computerise decency”
18. "I’ll kill him"
19. “They don’t penetrate deeply enough"
20. “We need to bring back the rope"
21. “A simple Irishman from a humble fishing village"
22. "I say you, bugger off - get out of here, this is private land.”
23. “Gripping the handle of a standard issue Glock 17- 9mm"
24. “He’s been sniffing around Liviana"
25. “The 'maverick' in the herd"
Other Books By This Author
A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR
This episode of Johnny's memoirs is probably the strangest so far. It deals with subjects metaphysical in nature: a visit from beyond the grave, an esoteric health and well-being convention. These subjects are interesting in themselves but mixed with a heady cocktail of envy, hatred and murder the result is a riveting tale of the realities and dangers Johnny faces on a daily basis.
This is Johnny's story as told by him and about him. I have made but few changes to the original text. The exact year of the events is not mentioned, but the story takes place over Christmas and at a later date than his other memoirs, probably within the last few years. I hope the reader learns as much as I have from this latest adventure.
Kieran Mc Kenna, Madrid 2022
WHO IS JOHNNY TWO KEBABS?
It is generally accepted that any healthy Irishman is capable of imbibing thirteen pints of lager in one sitting and it would be unsurprising should he, on another occasion, consume two doner kebabs or their equivalent. However, to accomplish both of these in one evening and in less than two minutes (one minute fifty-nine seconds to be exact) is simply extraordinary. Nevertheless, on 15th June 2011, this legendary feat was achieved by a man who, though coming from humble origins, rose to the heights of fame in south London, he came to be known as the “gunslinger of truth,” the "lone Marshall of south London" and “the Conscious Vigilante.” The world knows him best as - Johnny Two Kebabs.
A VERY MAGGIE CHRISTMAS
JOHNNY MEETS THE GHOST OF MARGARET THATCHER
JOHNNY TWO KEBABS
“FAKIRS AND SNAKE CHARMERS TAKING OVER THE STREETS"
As Johnny entered ‘The Auld Sod,' his favourite local Irish drinking hole, his acute sense of smell took in the odour. It was the none-too-subtle scent of lager, urine and cheap women’s hairspray tinged with just a hint of vomit. The familiar aroma reassured and cheered him. He could hear vigorous discussion nearby. “I’ll tell you who owns and finances the Reader’s Digest, the fucking C.I.A., that’s who.” Charlie, the elder of the 'Bolshevik brothers' (two of Johnny’s acquaintances) was in mid-rant. “The average brain-dead Yank thinks that the U.S. is the land of milk and honey, even though he is mercilessly ripped off daily by his own government. The C.I.A. helps to maintain this illusion while justifying American support for right-wing coups in South America and Asia. At least Marxist-Leninist doctrine has some moral standing. Look at what the C.I.A. did to Salvador Allende in Chile, look at what they’ve done in the rest of South and Central America, in the name of 'defending democracy.'
It’s just wrong. It’s only under a dictatorship of the proletariat that justice can be hoped for, yes, justice and equality based on pragmatism.” It had all sounded quite impressive until the last part, when he had to stop to belch before he got the word 'pragmatism' out.
It was December 18th, the start of Christmas week. A charity worker for a children’s hospital arrived with a collection box. She approached the group and started shaking the box under their noses. A few of the group gave some coins and one or two even put a note into the box. Charlie just snorted and loudly proclaimed, “Surely it’s not our job to finance hospitals, that’s the business of the government, why do we pay taxes? It’s wrong to give to charity; to give money to that type of cause just serves to prolong suffering under a capitalist regime. If we start to finance the health system the government will never do it. I’m against charity for ideological reasons.” At this, one of the girls present said, “But think of the poor little suffering children in hospital and at Christmas too. Have you no heart?”
“Christmas,” Charlie shouted, “and why the hell do we celebrate Christmas? That’s also wrong - it’s another capitalist lie and just an excuse to get people to spend more money to feed greedy corporations.”
“But what about the little baby Jesus?” She said. Charlie snorted again. “What about the little baby Jesus? Religion is just the super-strength lager of the masses. We need a socialist state that gives real support to the citizens, not just hope. As Nietzsche said, ‘Hope, in reality, is the worst of all evils as it just prolongs the torments of man’.”
“But sick little children in hospital need love and hope,” she said, with tears in her eyes. Charlie just sneered at her. “If the government invested more in the health system and truly cared for the people there would be fewer sick children.” He then took a large swig of his northern brown ale as if that settled the issue.
“But you told us you will soon be promoting an 'esoteric health and well-being convention' - that’s business, that’s capitalism,” she said.
Charlie became even more aggressive as he said in a loud voice. “That’s not fuckin' (he was from the north of England and often used terrible language) capitalism, that’s fuckin' survivin'. It's not my fault if I’ve been forced to compromise my morals 'cause of the capitalist system we live in. If I had my way we wouldn’t have a fuckin' prime minister, we’d have a politburo runnin' the country.”
So, Johnny thought, there was going to be an 'esoteric health and well-being convention' and it would be organised by Charlie, the elder of the Bolshevik brothers. That was ironic given the amount that he smoked and drank. His brother was still in prison but Charlie was hoping that at a parole hearing in a few months, he might get released. “Fat chance of that,” Johnny liked to think. Some people might have been surprised at the idea of Charlie organising an esoteric convention, but Johnny wasn’t. He knew the Bolshevik brothers were always involved in some new business venture or 'über-scam' as Johnny called it. Also, they were both devout agnostics. To many people, for a communist to organise this type of convention would seem unusual or unethical, but Johnny knew that the brothers never let 'values' get in the way of personal enrichment.
