How I Found The G Spot E-Book

Johnny Two Kebabs

• Herausgeber: Johnny Two Kebabs
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024

Beschreibung

In this second volume of his memoirs, Johnny describes how he infiltrated a dangerous gang of 'activists' and thwarted a plot to carry out a series of terrorist attacks in the U.K. but the deeper Johnny ventures into the heart of the gang's dark machinations, the more difficult it becomes to tread the path of righteousness as truth and falsehood seem to mingle into a surreal mirage.
As more of his complex psyche is revealed, we learn about Johnny Two Kebabs 'the man' as opposed to just the public figure. Further insight is gained into his 'inner journey' as well as his 'outer journey' when he describes his experience of partaking of 'The Kebab Of Truth.'
With danger ever-present Johnny's mettle and gastric juices are tested to their limits in this rollercoaster adventure where illusion and reality merge into a mesmerising dance.

Leseprobe

For Dylan, Alison and James

Thanks to

Patricia Mc Kenna, Jaakko Tulkki and Pete Bartlett Photography

Copyright © 2021 Kieran Mc Kenna

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

CONTENTS

Who is Johnny Two Kebabs?

A Note From The Editor

1. “Unreasonable Demands"

2. “Primal Half-Man Half-Beast”

3. “It is better to shove a red hot poker down a man’s neck than for him to full- throatedly spout untruths.”

4. “Long Live The Resistance”

5. “Someone Has To Heave Them Over The Side”

6. “Good Little Citizens”

7. “Moisturising Cream And Vaseline”

8. "A Face Only A Mother Could Love”

9. "Natural Hostage Negotiator"

10. “Muck Monster”

11. “Assault Occasioning Actual Bodily Harm”

12. “Activists”

13. “I’m Not Being Racist"

14. “Indecent Proposal”

15. "Johnny Has A Code That He Lives By”

16. "Looking Down The Barrel Of A Browning 9mm Pistol"

17. "A Wizened, Bitter Old Man"

The Mixed Doner Murders 1. “Homicidal Asphyxiation”

Books By This Author

WHO IS JOHNNY TWO KEBABS?

There has been much speculation in recent years as to whether Johnny Two Kebabs really exists. Is it true that on 15 June 2011, after drinking 13 pints of lager, he polished off two doner kebabs in one minute 59 seconds? Is Johnny Two Kebabs just an urban legend? Is the song that was written about him and for which the video appears on the internet just in the tradition of Irish blarney and storytelling - a type of Celtic mythology about larger-than-life figures? Were the comics that mysteriously appeared on the internet in 2020 just fake news?

In this second volume of his memoirs, Johnny describes how he infiltrated a dangerous gang of ‘activists’ and thwarted a plot to carry out a series of attacks in the U.K. We also learn more about Johnny Two Kebabs ‘the man’ as opposed to just the public figure when he describes his experience of partaking of ‘The Kebab Of Truth.’

A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR

It is an honour to have been asked once again to edit Johnny's memoirs. I have been enriched by the experience and like the super-strength lager that Johnny favours, these pages include details which at times are both bitter and intoxicating and therefore best consumed with caution.

Apart from this, I have only made minor changes to the text that Johnny gave me. He has a natural style in storytelling so only small alterations such as corrections of spelling errors have been necessary.

An unusual characteristic of his writing is that Johnny often refers to himself in the third person. So, whereas most people might say, “I’ll have some chilli sauce with that, mate.” Johnny is more inclined to say “Johnny will have some chilli sauce with that, mate.” This is something I haven't changed in the text so the reader can enjoy the authenticity of the narrative.

Kieran Mc Kenna.

HOW I FOUND THE G SPOT

JOHNNY TWO KEBABS

CHAPTER1

“UNREASONABLE DEMANDS"

A leaflet was thrust into Johnny’s hands," 'Ere you go guv, don’t let ‘em use 5G to control us all." Johnny took a look at the leaflet, “William Bates and the 'Luciferians' want to shaft us,” was written in block capitals on the top of the leaflet and below there was a photograph of an antenna (presumably a 5G antenna). William Bates was the head of a global computer manufacturer, he was one of the richest men in the world and a household name. Johnny had heard some of the rumours about him having created the Covid virus and how he was installing a 5G network to make the virus spread more rapidly. Then, he planned to appear as a saviour with his "vaccine" in order to microchip every man woman and child on the planet. Johnny didn’t think these rumours were very credible but he always maintained that it was best to keep an open mind on such issues. The photograph of the 5G mast had caught Johnny’s attention. He had seen one of these masts not far from his flat. He had wondered what it was as it looked quite different to other radio masts he had seen previously. Could it possibly be a threat to innocent citizens? Were the Chinese using it for industrial espionage and to spy on UK citizens? Johnny felt his "protector" self coming to the fore. Should he investigate? He found himself wondering. After all, if there was a 5G mast in "his" area he had the right to know. He approached the man who had given him the leaflet. “So are there any of these 5G masts around this area?” Johnny enquired. “Damn royt mate, damn royt, they’re ‘ere in Brixton, they is in Streatham an' all over souf Landon,” he replied in a heavy Cockney accent. He then came a little closer to Johnny and said in a lowered conspiratorial tone, “If you is very concerned like, maybe you might want to join us that is opposing this 5G. We ‘ave meetings where we plan fings, all kosher no dodgy business, whaddya fink?” Johnny was not sure how to answer. On the one hand, the man to Johnny’s mind looked a little "cracked" but on the other, he felt that not only was this happening in "his" area but also that his neighbours and the people under his protection could be affected by it. There was also Johnny’s natural curiosity and the vow he had made to himself to fight evil in all its forms. “I might be interested,” Johnny ventured. “All right mate, ‘ere my noime’s Lee, now on Thursday we is ‘avin’ a meetin’ innit? If you was to cam to the Nag’s ‘ead in Streatham at 8 pm, we would be in the room at the back. Just ask the barman where the G-Nome meeting is.” Johnny thanked Lee and wandered back up Brixton Hill towards his flat.