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- Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
- Kategorie: Ratgeber
- Sprache: Englisch
Your one-stop guide to anger management Anger is a completely normal, healthy human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems--at work, in personal relationships, and in the overall quality of life. Anger Management For Dummies provides trusted and authoritative information on anger management methods, skills, and exercises that will help you or a loved one identify sources of anger and release them healthily. Anger has become one of the most intimate issues in today's world - as life, in general, has become increasingly stressful. . Anger Management For Dummies shows you how anger is often a bi-product of other more primitive emotions, such as fear, depression, anxiety, and stress, and arms you with the strategies that can help you conquer them. Inside, you'll discover how to overcome obstacles to change, rethink rage, confront anger head-on with healthier responses, and much more. * Features new and updated coverage on road rage, air rage, office rage, and dealing with angry children * Introduces you to new cognitive strategies for changing angry thinking * Explains the difference between anger and aggression * Shows you how to effectively and safely deescalate difficult people and situations With the tools, tips, and strategies provided in this hands-on guide, you'll find everything you need to overcome anger and live a happier, more productive life.
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Seitenzahl: 557
Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2015
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Anger Management For Dummies®, 2nd Edition
Published by: John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030-5774, www.wiley.com
Copyright © 2015 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey
Published simultaneously in Canada
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Library of Congress Control Number: 2015938261
ISBN 978-1-119-03000-3 (pbk); ISBN 978-1-119-03002-7 (ebk); ISBN 978-1-119-03003-4 (ebk)
Anger Management For Dummies®
Visit www.dummies.com/cheatsheet/angermanagement to view this book's cheat sheet.
Table of Contents
Cover
Introduction
About This Book
Foolish Assumptions
Icons Used in This Book
Beyond the Book
Where to Go from Here
Part I: Getting Started with Anger Management
Chapter 1: Understanding Anger
Defining Anger
Anger Really Is About Choices and Perceptions
Dispelling Common Anger Myths
Understanding the Role of Emotions in Your Life
Getting the Help You Need
Chapter 2: Finding Your Anger Profile
Discovering When Anger Works
Identifying Your Anger Triggers
Finding Anger in All the Wrong Places
Expressing Anger
Exploring Anger Feelings: Frequency, Intensity, and Duration
Complicating Problems
Chapter 3: Deciding Whether to Change
Reviewing the Top Ten Reasons for Not Changing Your Anger
Looking at Stages of Change
Considering Critical Costs of Anger
Recognizing the Costs and Benefits of Your Anger
Part II: Rethinking Anger
Chapter 4: Jump-Starting Anger Management
Increasing Awareness of Your Angry Feelings
Rethinking Your Reactions
Mastering the Art of Avoidance
Engaging in Anti-Anger Actions
Chapter 5: Connecting Events to Thoughts and Feelings
Reviewing Anger Triggers
Knowing the Difference between Events and Causes
Connecting Events, Feelings, and Thoughts
Chapter 6: Reexamining Angry Thoughts
Uncovering Distortions in Thinking
Smoothing Out Distortions in Thinking
Reformulating Distorted Thoughts
Practicing Rethinking
Chapter 7: Taking the Focus Off Yourself
Reviewing Self-Esteem and Anger
Becoming Less Competitive
Watching Out for Perfectionism
Part III: Equipping Yourself with Anger-Management Tools
Chapter 8: Communicating Assertively
Discovering Assertion
Avoiding Sudden Escalation
Understanding That No One Owns All of the Truth
Stopping Venting
Expressing Your Anger Effectively
Being Civil Doesn’t Always Mean Being Nice
Practicing Assertiveness
Chapter 9: Solving Problems without Anger
Describing Problems Objectively
Knowing Your Options One by One
Contemplating Consequences for Each Option
Anticipating Difficult Emotions and Beliefs
Giving It Your Best Shot
Evaluating the Outcome
Chapter 10: Relaxing Anger Away
Taking a Deep Breath
Mastering Progressive Muscle Relaxation
Using Imagery to Transcend Anger
Soothing Alternative Routes to Relaxation
Chapter 11: Practicing Non-Angry Responses
Defining Brooding
Practicing Delayed Brooding
Disengaging from Brooding
Exposing Yourself to Tough Situations
Part IV: Managing Anger Hotspots
Chapter 12: Dealing with Anger at Work
Identifying Counterproductive Work Behavior
Knowing Who Is Doing What to Whom
Enhancing Your Negotiating Skills
Developing a Positive Work Environment
Making Civility the Norm
Speaking Up, Not Out
Chapter 13: Controlling Anger at Home with Family
Realizing It Takes Two to Fight
Managing Anger from the Top Down
Choosing the Unfamiliar: Changing Your Family’s Patterns
Discovering Your Parenting Style
Talking with Kids
Discovering the Power of One
Chapter 14: Subduing Anger in Intimate Relationships
The Loving-but-Angry Relationship
When You’re Angry at Your Loved One
When You’re on the Receiving End of a Loved One’s Anger
Part V: Handling Anger from the Past
Chapter 15: Letting Go of Past Anger
Living without Resolution
Telling Your Story Your Way
Chapter 16: Finding Forgiveness
Forgiveness Is Never Easy
Preparing to Forgive
Deciding What’s in It for You to Forgive: A Cost-Benefit Analysis
Accepting the Finality of Being Wronged
Chapter 17: Preventing Relapse
Anticipating Bumps
Preparing a Relapse Plan
Part VI: Living Beyond Anger
Chapter 18: Soothing Stress
Examining Stress and Strain
Staying Away from Stress Carriers
Recognizing the Sources of Your Stress
Looking at Types of Stress
Avoiding Burnout
Discovering How to Be Hardy
Coping with Stress: What Works and What Doesn’t
Chapter 19: Balancing Your Body
Softening Moods Through Exercise
Getting Enough Zzz’s
Determining Whether Substances Are Messing with Your Anger
Curbing Consumption Cravings
Looking at Medication Options
Chapter 20: Building Social Support
Building Quality Not Quantity Support
Prioritizing Friends
Chapter 21: Finding Meaning and Purpose
Putting Your Values at Center Stage
Writing Your Own Epitaph
Acquiring the Gratitude Habit
Finding Flow
Searching for Healthy Pleasures
Looking at the Glass as Half Full
Practicing Compassion
Being Humble — It Helps
Part VII: The Part of Tens
Chapter 22: Ten Ways to Deal with Angry People
Listening Deeply
Controlling Pace, Space, and Breath
Asking for Clarification
Speaking Softly
Connecting
Dropping Defensiveness: Verbally and Nonverbally
Finding Agreement Where You Can
Expressing Understanding
Developing Distractions
Considering a Timeout
Chapter 23: Ten Ways to End Road Rage
Don’t Rush
Loosen Your Grip
Focus on the Journey rather than the Destination
Be the Other Driver
Take the “I” Out of Driver
Look on the Bright Side
Realize That They Are Not the Enemy
Stop Catastrophizing
Stop Trying to Understand Other Drivers
Settle for Just Being Irritated
Chapter 24: Ten Anti-Anger Thoughts
No One Can Make You Angry without Your Participation
What Goes Around Comes Around
It’s Only Money
Other People Are Not the Enemy
Life Isn’t Fair and Never Will Be
Energy Is a Limited Resource
Don’t Kid Yourself: We’re All Bozos
This Isn’t the Hill You Want to Die On
Nothing You Can Achieve in Anger Can’t Be Achieved without It
You’re Not Entitled to Anything
About the Authors
Cheat Sheet
Advertisement Page
Connect with Dummies
End User License Agreement
Guide
Cover
Table of Contents
Begin Reading
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Introduction
Anger is part of life — no less than memory, happiness, and compassion. Anger says more about you — your temperament, how you view the world, how balanced your life is, and how easily you forgive others — than it does about other people. You don’t have to be a victim of your own anger; you can actually choose how you respond when the world doesn’t treat you the way you want it to.
In fact, you have just as much choice about how you express your anger as you do about what color shirt you wear, what you eat for breakfast, or what time you go jogging this afternoon. Although it often feels like you don’t have a choice about feeling angry, you do. You also have a choice about how much of yesterday’s anger you carry into the future and how much anger you’re likely to experience tomorrow.
No one is exempt from problematic anger. Anger is a very democratic emotion; it causes problems for men and women, kids and the elderly, rich and poor, educated and uneducated, people of all colors and ethnic backgrounds, believers and nonbelievers. Tens of millions of human beings needlessly suffer from excessive anger — anger that literally poisons your life — each and every day of their lives.
Anger isn’t something that can or should be cured. But you have to manage it well — at home, at work, and in your most intimate relationships — if you want to benefit from it. Anger Management For Dummies, 2nd Edition, tells you how to manage your anger by focusing on the positive, how to get a good night’s sleep, how to change your perspective on life, why carefully controlled expression of anger is better for you than venting, how to transform conflicts into challenges, and much more. Anger management has moved far beyond the simplistic (albeit well-intentioned) advice of years past to count to ten or take a couple of deep breaths every time you get angry, and that’s good news!
About This Book
How do you know when you have too much anger? Do you determine that for yourself, or do you let other people make that call? If you’re not physically aggressive — physically hurting other people or poking holes in walls — does that mean you’re not angry? Does it really help to vent, to get things off your chest, or are you better off keeping your mouth shut to keep the peace? Can angry people really change, or do they have to go through life suffering because that’s just the way they are? And what should you do if you’re on the wrong end of someone else’s anger? These are all important questions that Anger Management For Dummies, 2nd Edition, answers for you.
When we wrote this book, we had four basic goals in mind:
We wanted to show you that anger is more than a four-letter word; it’s an extremely complex emotion that has meaning well beyond the crude and hurtful words people use to express it.
We wanted to illustrate all the various ways that anger can, and does, adversely affect your life when it occurs too frequently and is too intense.
We wanted to show you that managing anger is something that is entirely within your power — if you’re willing to make the necessary lifestyle changes outlined in this book, changes in thinking, behaviors, communication, and habits.
We wanted to give you an array of specific skills for managing difficult situations without excessive anger.
You may want to focus on the area in which you’re having the most trouble controlling your temper — at work, for example. Or you may want to head straight for a chapter on jump-starting anger management. We’re not even going to suggest that you read the whole book — that’s up to you. Be like our Golden Doodle and go where your nose (or in this case, your eyes!) lead you. You’ll get where you need to be.
Note: Sidebars in this book contain interesting information, but they aren’t essential reading. If you’re someone who likes to cut to the chase, go ahead and skip the sidebars.
Foolish Assumptions
We made a few assumptions about you when we wrote this book:
You may or may not have a problem with anger, but if you don’t have a problem with anger yourself, you know or love someone who does.
If you didn’t buy this book for yourself, you bought it for your husband, wife, brother, sister, son, daughter, father, mother, friend, or coworker. Or one of those people bought it for you.
You don’t want to know everything there is to know about anger; you just want to know what you need to know to manage anger effectively.
Scientists have studied anger for years, but you won’t find a bunch of scientific mumbo-jumbo in these pages. We focus on proven strategies to help you manage your anger, and that’s it.
Icons Used in This Book
Icons are those little pictures in the margins throughout this book, and they’re there to draw your attention to certain kinds of information:
This icon alerts you to important ideas and concepts that you’ll want to remember and that you can use even when you don’t have Anger Management For Dummies, 2nd Edition, in hand.
Every once in a while, there’s an interesting bit of information that we share with you. You can read these paragraphs if you want, but the information they contain isn’t essential to your understanding of the topic at hand.
The Tip icon suggests practical how-to strategies for managing anger.
This icon appears when we think a cautionary note is in order or when you need to seek professional help.
Beyond the Book
In addition to the material in the print or e-book you’re reading right now, Anger Management For Dummies, 2nd Edition, also comes with some access-anywhere goodies on the web. No matter how much you gain from what you read, check out the free Cheat Sheet for additional ideas and tools. Go to www.dummies.com/cheatsheet/angermanagement for
Ten ways to cool down
Tips for expressing yourself assertively rather than aggressively
Anger do’s and don’ts
Keeping your cool at work
We also provide six concise online articles associated with Parts II through VII. Those articles give you interesting ideas for how to think about and handle anger. Check them out at www.dummies.com/extras/angermanagement.
Consider printing the Cheat Sheet and other online articles and posting them on your bulletin board, cubical wall, or refrigerator for a quick reference to anger-management strategies.
Where to Go from Here
You don’t have to read this book from start to finish — that is, you don’t have to read the whole book from Chapter 1 through the end to benefit from it. Each part and chapter is meant to stand alone in its discussion of anger management. Feel free to choose a topic that interests you, and dive in.
Whether you read Anger Management For Dummies, 2nd Edition, in its entirety or not, if you still find that you’re struggling with anger, we suggest you seriously consider getting the help of a professional. Anger management is a niche market, and you need to find someone who is both a licensed professional and has credentials (for example, PhD, MD, MSW, MA) and expertise in this area.
Even if you benefit from this book, many people find that anger-management classes help, too. You get the extra benefit of having other people share their stories and hear yours. Class members usually give useful feedback to each other as well.
Part I
Getting Started with Anger Management
Visit www.dummies.com for great For Dummies content online.
In this part …
Get familiar with the emotion called anger and the nature of anger’s physical sensations, thoughts, and feelings.
Discover your anger triggers and figure out when anger most likely occurs in your life. Understand how your individual anger pattern plays out.
Decide whether you truly want to change the way you manage anger. See both the costs and benefits of changing or not (yes, there are costs). Then explore the stages of change. Determine which stage you’re in and find out what to expect.
Chapter 1
Understanding Anger
In This Chapter
Identifying anger and where it comes from
Examining the myths about anger
Understanding how emotions work
Finding help when you need it
What do children from Bogota, Columbia, college students in Oxford, England, corporate executives in New York City, mothers from India, and preliterate tribesmen in Borneo and New Guinea have in common? They all recognize an angry face when they see it. Anger, as well as joy, fear, sadness, disgust, contempt, and surprise are universal emotions. All cultures around the globe experience these emotions as an integral part of day-to-day life — and these emotions can lead to both blessings and curses.
Anger forms part of the survival mechanism of human beings. When faced with a threat — not unlike other animals — humans either run away, freeze, or attack. Anger fuels attacks. Angry people experience a surge of energy that helps them repel adversaries.
But anger can also have the opposite effect and lead to an untimely demise. Too much anger can cause heart attacks, precipitate disabling work injuries, ruin relationships, and lead to a variety of unintended negative consequences. Anger truly is a double-edged sword.
Defining Anger
If you’re like most people, you know what anger is, or at least you think you do. For example, maybe your gut tells you that a friend of yours feels angry. So you ask him if indeed he feels angry, and he responds, “No, not at all.” Of course, your gut could be wrong, and your friend really isn’t angry. But usually your intuition will serve you well in such instances. You can tell by your friend’s tone of voice, posture, and body language.
Finding the key to anger management
As the reader, we know you’d like a simple answer to the question “Why am I so angry, and what’s the single, most effective thing I can do about it?” You’re hoping that one chapter in this book will provide that answer. But, alas, that’s not the way it works.
Anger is a complex human emotion. By reading this book, you can come to understand where your anger comes from — that is, which and how many of those factors that are unique to you are at work here. It may be that you need better coping skills, to cut down on drinking, to increase your social outlets, to increase your sense of purpose and meaning in life, or to look for a new job. A few of these items, all of them, one of them, or perhaps more, may cause problems that result in your anger. The important thing at this point is to find the right recipe for your anger management and to use the information and resources in this book to bring your emotional life to a better place.
Anger is an emotion that involves certain types of thoughts that focus on other people’s intent to hurt you, unfairness, threats to your self-esteem, and frustrations. Anger expresses itself in the body (for example, muscle tension, loud voice, and restlessness) and behaviors (such as threatening actions, pacing, and clenching). Anger is a strong emotion that attempts to express displeasure and disapproval.
Anger Really Is About Choices and Perceptions
Humans are the only animals we know of that have a choice about how they view the world. Cats, dogs, squirrels, hamsters, goldfish — they’re all creatures of instinct, which means they respond in predictable ways that are prewired into their nervous systems. Instincts are universal — scratch a Golden Doodle’s tummy and he’ll instantly begin shaking his hind leg. All Golden Doodles do it, and they don’t have a choice in the matter.
The miraculous thing about being human is that you’re not ruled by instinct. Not only do you have choices about how you respond to the world around you (for example, when someone mistreats you), but even before that, you also have a choice about how you perceive or think about that person’s actions.
Do you think she did that on purpose? Was it an accident, or did he do it deliberately? Is the mistreatment specifically directed at you alone? Do you view this as a catastrophe — a life-altering event? Is this something that you think shouldn’t have happened? These questions are all ones your mind considers, albeit unconsciously, before you have a chance to react — or, better yet, respond to provocation. Consider the following:
You might say that
Mike
is a born pessimist, but actually that’s not true. Human beings aren’t
born
with attitudes — those attitudes come from life experience. What
is
true is that Mike is the product of an alcoholic home, where things could be going well one minute and fall into complete chaos the next. He found out as a child not to expect the good times to last and that he and the rest of his family were always just one beer away from a family crisis.
So for all his adult life, Mike has expected that most things will eventually turn out badly, given enough time. No matter how loving his wife is or how cooperative his children are, in the back of his mind he harbors this expectation that any minute things will change for the worse — and he’s ready to react in anger when that moment comes. Why will he get angry? It’s Mike’s way of defending himself against chaos, a way of feeling in control — unlike when he was a child hiding under the bed while his alcoholic father ranted and raved well into the night.
Mike is unaware of how his early childhood influenced his view of the world. Like most children of alcoholics, he figures that because he survived those unpleasant years (physically at least), he’s okay. He also has no clue why he loses his temper so easily.
Many people with anger problems have troubled childhoods. Their anger during childhood usually made sense at the time as a way of coping with the difficulties they faced. However, they bring their anger into the present when it usually doesn’t work very well. You can acquire new, more effective ways of coping, but it takes patience and work.
Dispelling Common Anger Myths
Before you can manage your own anger, you need to be aware of what anger is and isn’t. Unfortunately, myths about anger abound. Here are some of the myths we want to dispel right from the get-go:
If you don’t express anger, you just might explode.
The truth is, the more often you express anger, the more likely you will feel angry in the future. On the other hand, appropriately, carefully expressed anger can help you. So keep reading!
Males are angrier than females.
If by angrier you mean how often people experience anger, it’s simply not true that men are angrier than women. Surveys show that women get mad about as frequently as men. Men and women may express anger a little differently, but research has been inconsistent on that issue.
Anger is bad.
Anger serves a variety of positive purposes when it comes to coping with stress. When
controlled,
it can energize you, improve your communication with other people, and defend you against fear and insecurity.
Anger is good.
When it leads to domestic violence, property damage, sexual abuse, drug addiction, ulcers, and self-mutilation, anger is definitely not good.
Anger is only a problem when you openly express it.
Many angry people either suppress their anger (“I don’t want to talk about it!”) or repress their anger (“I’m not angry at all — really!”). People who express their anger are the squeaky wheels who get everyone’s attention; people who repress or suppress their anger need anger management just as much (see
Chapter 3
for more information about the costs of anger).
The older you get, the more irritable you are.
It’s the other way around — as people age, they report
fewer
negative emotions and greater emotional control. People — like wine and cheese — do tend to improve with age.
Anger is all in the mind.
When you get mad, that emotion instantly manifests itself in muscles throughout your entire body, the hairs on the back of your neck, your blood pressure, your blood sugar levels, your heart rate, your respiration rate, your gut, even your finger temperature (it warms up!) — long before you’re fully aware of what’s happening.
Anger is all about getting even.
The most common motive behind anger has been shown to be a desire to assert authority or independence, or to improve one’s image — not necessarily to cause harm. Revenge is a secondary motive. A third motive involves letting off steam over accumulated frustrations — again with no apparent intent to harm anyone else.
If you don’t express anger, you’ll be seen as weak.
Not so. In fact, a calm, measured, assertive response (see
Chapter 8
for more information about assertiveness) not only works better but also is quite powerful.
People with anger problems have low self-esteem.
In fact, sometimes they do. However, a much more common companion of anger is excessively
inflated
self-esteem (see
Chapter 7
for more information about the role of self-esteem and anger).
Only certain types of people have a problem with anger.
You can easily find angry truck drivers, college professors, physicians, grandmothers, lawyers, policemen, career criminals, poor people, millionaires, children, the elderly, and people of various ethnicities, nationalities, and religions. Anger is a universal emotion.
Anger results from human conflict.
Sometimes yes, sometimes no. People get angry by being exposed to foul odors, negotiating traffic jams, aches and pains, computer problems, and hot temperatures — none of which involve (or can be blamed on) the direct, intentional actions of others.
Understanding the Role of Emotions in Your Life
Emotion can be thought of as a compound word. The e stands for “energy” and the motion means exactly what it says — “movement.” Emotions move you to act in ways that defend you from threat, lead to social attachments and procreation, cause you to engage in pleasurable pursuits, encourage you to reattach after some type of meaningful loss, and push you to explore your environment. Without emotion, life would stand still.
Emotions are, by their very nature, meant to be brief, transient experiences. Typically, they come and go throughout the day — moving you in various directions, as evidenced by changes in your behavior. Not acting on an emotion like anger is unnatural and, in some instances, can be unhealthy. Emotions reflect changes in physiology — elevations in blood pressure, heart rate, blood sugar, and muscle tension — that are usually harmless because they’re short-lived (that is, if you express them in a reasonable way). Emotions that aren’t expressed remain trapped within your body, causing a sustained state of physiological tension — and that can be deadly.
Suggesting that anger is either expressed or unexpressed is actually untrue. All anger is expressed — the question is how. You probably think that you’re expressing your anger when you do so in a way that other people can see, hear, or feel. Otherwise, you figure, you’re not expressing it. But the reality is that all anger is expressed — some of it in ways that aren’t observable right away. For example, you may not look or sound angry, but your anger may be expressing itself in your cardiovascular system (through high blood pressure or migraine headaches), your gastrointestinal system (through irritable bowel syndrome [IBS] or a spastic colon), or your musculoskeletal system (through TMJ or tension headaches).
Or anger may express itself in negative attitudes — pessimism, cynicism, hopelessness, bitterness, and stubbornness — or some form of avoidance behavior (giving people the silent treatment), oppositional behavior (“I don’t think so!”), or passive-aggressive behavior (“I’m sorry — did you want something?”). Anger may also sour your mood and leave you feeling down or depressed. You suddenly lose the enthusiasm you had previously.
Dr. Paul Ekman developed a list of seven primary emotions seen in all cultures around the world. Table 1-1 lists these emotions and some of the ways they express themselves.
Table 1-1 The Seven Primary Emotions
Emotion
How It’s Expressed
Sad
The eyelids droop; corners of mouth turn down; people withdraw from others; thoughts focus on negative, pessimistic issues, losses, and inferior self-views; body temperature rises; and heart rate increases.
Joy
Corners of the eyes wrinkle; smiles and corners of the mouth turn up; thoughts dwell on positive enjoyment; laughter.
Surprise
Eyes widen and become rounder; the mouth opens; expression occurs and recedes rapidly in response to an unexpected event; thoughts focus on the unexpected aspects of what occurred and why.
Disgust
The nose wrinkles; the upper lip curls; also a rapid response to something that looks, smells, or tastes unpleasant; thoughts focus on avoiding or removing oneself from the disgusting object.
Contempt
The muscles in the cheek pull back, which results in a “half” smile or sneer; the head often tilts a bit back; thoughts focus on the inferiority of others.
Fear
The eyes open wide; lips stretch out; heart rate increases; body temperature drops; thoughts dwell on how to deal with danger — whether to fight, flee, or freeze; posture slumps.
Anger
The eyes glare and narrow; lips press together; body temperature and heart rate increase; posture puffs up; thoughts focus on issues such as unfairness, revenge, injustice, attacking, and getting even.
Alexithymics — People without feelings
Alexithymia is a word used to describe people who appear to lack emotions — including anger. Alexithymia is thought to be a fairly stable personality trait but isn’t a formal, psychological diagnosis in and of itself. Alexithymics tend to
Have difficulty identifying different types of feelingsAppear stiff and wooden in relating to othersLack emotional awarenessLack enjoymentHave trouble distinguishing between emotions and bodily feelingsAppear overly logical when it comes to decision makingLack sympathy for othersAppear perplexed by other people’s emotionsBe unmoved by art, literature, and musicHave few, if any, emotional memories (for example, memories of childhood)We don’t suggest disconnecting from your feelings to manage your anger. You want to have emotions but you want to be in control of those emotions. You want to let anger move you to write a letter to the editor in your local newspaper about some social injustice. You want your anger to move you to stand up for yourself when your talents are being exploited in the workplace.
Anger that says to your spouse, “Hey, something is not working here” is good for a marriage. But if your anger only moves you to hurt others — or yourself — then you definitely have a problem. Think of anger as a tool that can help you throughout life if you know how to use it — and think of Anger Management For Dummies as a reference on how to use that tool.
Getting the Help You Need
Everybody needs support — nobody can go through life completely alone. When you’re embarking on a major change in your life, the help of other people is especially important. And managing your anger is a major life change.
Support comes in many forms. To manage your anger effectively, you need all the following kinds of support:
Carefully selected family and friends: You need people who are behind you 100 percent, people who know about your problems with anger and are cheering you on as you figure out how to manage it.
Don’t be too surprised if, at first, you have trouble getting support for your efforts at anger management. Realize that you’ve probably hurt a lot of people with your anger over the years — and they may have some lingering resentment, fear, and uncertainty. That’s natural. But if you’re truly committed to managing your anger, chances are they’ll eventually rally to your cause.
Informational support:
You can have the best of intentions, but if you don’t have the information you need about anger and how to manage it, you won’t get far. Lucky for you, you’re holding all the information you need to get a handle on your anger in your hands.
Self-help:
Most communities have anger-management self-help groups and classes — these are usually published in the newspaper and on the Internet. Some religious organizations also sponsor such self-help groups.
Professional help:
People with anger-management problems generally don’t think of themselves as needing psychotherapy. However, a trained, licensed therapist, counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist usually has important skills that can help you turn away from anger. Therapy can help you identify your personal anger triggers, teach coping skills, and support you through the process. And therapists would gladly work with you on getting the most out of this book as well.
We suggest that you refrain from exploring medications for your anger-management problems unless your difficulties are extreme and you haven’t gotten very far with self-help and professional assistance. Most of the medications for anger issues are quite powerful and have serious side effects. If you do choose this option, make sure you go to an expert at prescribing medications for mental health issues.
Chapter 2
Finding Your Anger Profile
In This Chapter
Understanding the adaptive possibilities of anger
Spotting your anger buttons
Identifying how, when, and where you express anger
Seeing problems that accompany anger
How do you know when you have an anger problem? Some people say that any time you get angry, that’s a problem. Others disagree, arguing that anger is never a problem as long as it communicates that something is wrong in your life.
Cheryl, Stan, and Amber all work for an engineering firm. They have annual reviews scheduled for this week. All three experience some anger but express it very differently.
Cheryl’s
boss tells her that her work is amazing but that other staff members have complained about her frequent irritability. Cheryl feels her pulse rate increase and her face redden, “I can’t understand that; I never get angry with anyone,” she insists, “I get everything done for everyone and this is the thanks I get?”
Stan
often expresses his anger at work by slamming doors and yelling. His boss tells him that his emotions are out of control. He recommends that Stan attend anger-management classes. Stan slams the performance review on his desk and shouts, “How the hell do you expect me to act when everyone around me is an incompetent fool?”
Amber’s
boss gives her a solid review. He asks her whether she has any concerns or complaints. She hesitates for a moment and calmly remarks, “Actually, I am upset and even a bit angry that a couple of my colleagues suffer from anger problems that distract me and hurt our workgroup’s morale.”
Perhaps you can tell that Amber manages her anger effectively, whereas Cheryl and Stan have problems with anger. In this chapter, we take the mystery out of trying to decide who does and doesn’t have too much anger. We help you determine whether you have anger that needs managing. We explain how people express anger in different ways and review a few problems that all too often accompany anger. But before reviewing the nature of anger problems, we show you how anger isn’t always a bad thing.
Discovering When Anger Works
Typically, you associate anger with aggressive behavior or some other type of destructive outcome in your life. This is true only because no one has shown you how to use anger constructively. In this section, we illustrate the positive side of anger — the side that can be harnessed to resolve problems of everyday life, understand other people’s point of view, and minimize future conflict.
Emotions aren’t inherently good or bad. People have suffered heart attacks because of a joyful event, like being promoted, and they’ve suffered strokes when surprised by the unexpected news of a loved one’s death. Does this mean that you should avoid joy and surprise at all costs? Of course not. And you shouldn’t try to avoid anger because of some mistaken belief that it can only cause hurt and harm. It’s what you do with anger — how you express it — that makes it good or bad.
Distinguishing among anger concepts
When people talk about anger, you’ll hear various terms and words tossed around. Here, we clarify the meaning of some of those terms:
Anger
is an emotion that includes high physical arousal, thoughts about threats, unfairness, injustice, intolerance, and unacceptable frustration. The emotion of anger may or may not be acted upon.
Irritability
is an overly sensitive emotional and physical state. When irritable, you easily get upset yet may not be fully aware of your emotions, thoughts, or feelings. Sometimes other people detect your irritability better than you can.
Aggression
is the intentional infliction of hurt or harm to people or objects. Not everyone who is aggressive feels anger. Some people engage in aggression because they actually like or feel pleasure from inflicting hurt. As you may suspect, these folks aren’t ideal candidates for anger management.
Hostility
refers to long-standing, chronic, negative attitudes and beliefs about others or certain types of situations. For example, a gang member may feel hostility toward everyone in another gang. Generally, hostility is somewhat more diffused and less focused than anger.
Rage
refers to out-of-control, especially intense levels of anger. Rage is almost always accompanied by an extremely high level of physiological arousal.
Making anger your ally
If you choose to use anger constructively, you’ll join the ranks of some pretty notable folks — George Washington, Martin Luther King Jr., Nelson Mandela, Jesus Christ, Gandhi, and Mother Teresa. These people admittedly felt anger — about poverty, racial injustice, or occupation of their countries by foreign powers — but channeled their anger into constructive action that changed the world for the better.
In the following sections, we cover a few reasons you should consider making anger your ally in constructing a new healthier, happier, and more productive life.
Anger can be a built-in resource
People are born with a capacity for anger. Mothers recognize anger in newborns as early as 3 months of age. Babies express anger with loud crying and red faces to tell their caregivers they’re in distress — “Change my diaper!” or “Feed me!”
Anger isn’t something that has to be learned or earned, like money or friendship. It’s yours to experience as the need arises. Think of it as your birthright.
Ask yourself: Do I want to use this inner resource to reconstruct or ruin my life?
Anger can be invigorating
The e in emotion stands for “energy.” Anger produces an instantaneous surge of adrenaline, which causes your pupils to dilate, your heart to race, your blood pressure to elevate, and your breathing to accelerate. If you’re really angry, even the hairs on the back of your neck stand up! Your liver responds by releasing sugar, and blood shifts from your internal organs to your skeletal muscles, causing a generalized state of tension. You’re energized and ready for action. Remember, though, that emotions are short-lived — they come and go. So it’s imperative that you strike while the iron is (literally) hot, and use the angry energy to your benefit before it evaporates.
I know I’m alive when …
Some years ago, W. Doyle Gentry, PhD (author of the first edition of Anger Management For Dummies), conducted a workshop on anger management for mental health professionals. He started off by asking the audience to define anger. Some folks offered the usual, easy definitions: “It’s an emotion,” “It’s a feeling,” “It’s something that feels bad.”
But then one young woman came up with the most intriguing definition of all: “Anger is one way I know I’m alive.” She went on to say how refreshing emotions are because they disrupt the otherwise humdrum nature of daily life and for brief periods leave her feeling energized, full of vitality, alive.
The surge of energy from anger is beneficial only when anger is controlled and appropriately expressed. See Parts II, III, and IV in this book for numerous examples of ways to express anger productively.
Anger serves as a catalyst for new behavior
The motion part of emotion has to do with motivating behavior. If you’re like us, you want to change some things in your life. But you’re afraid, right? You’re uncertain about what will happen if you let go of the status quo and move your life in some new direction — maybe a new relationship or giving up an old one, leaving a toxic job, moving to a new city, or starting a new, healthier lifestyle (such as joining a gym, starting a diet, or giving up alcohol). So you do nothing — that is, until you get mad enough about the way things are that you spring into action.
Ask yourself: How can I renew my life through constructive anger?
No you’re not … or are you?
Sometimes you just need a kick in the pants. Charlie was having lunch with a friend and was telling her about the new, exciting venture he was planning to begin shortly to turn around his failing business. “I’m going to start the new business in about two months, and I’m counting on you to send me some clients,” he said. Her reply, without a moment’s hesitation, “No, you’re not.”
Charlie felt stunned and irritated. “Why do you say that?” he asked. “Because you’ve been talking about this new business for over a year now, and every time we have lunch it’s always going to start sometime in the next few months — but it never does. I think it’s a wonderful idea and, sure, I’d send you clients, but honestly, Charlie, you’re never going to do it. It’s just talk.”
Now Charlie was mad. He paid the check, mumbled some pleasantry, and went back to work. But the more he thought about it, the more he realized his friend was right. A year of talk hadn’t translated into action. Charlie decided right then and there — while he was still angry — that he would begin his new business within the next 30 days, and he did. The rest, as they say, is history. His new venture got off to a rousing start, and over the next ten years, he made almost a million dollars working part time — all thanks to his good friend who made him angry that day.
Note that Charlie’s friend used gentle confrontation and perhaps felt a little irritation with Charlie’s continued procrastination. Charlie felt significant anger, but he used it to help him focus and increase his motivation to do something positive.
Anger communicates
Anger tells the world just how miserable you are — how unhappy, unfulfilled, unsatisfied, unexcited, and unloved you feel. Anger speaks the unspeakable! Think about the last time you verbally expressed anger. Do you remember what you said? Was it something like, “Get off my back,” “You don’t care about me,” “I’m tired of living hand to mouth,” or “I give, give, give, and I get nothing in return”? We’re sure others heard what you said, but did you? Did you listen to your anger — listen to what it’s telling you about what’s wrong with your life and what you need to do to begin correcting it?
The most helpful emotional dialogue you have is the one you have with yourself.
Ask yourself: What is my anger telling me about me?
Anger can protect you from harm
Anger is a vital part of that built-in “fight-or-flight” response that helps you adapt to and survive life’s challenges. Anger is the fight component — the part that moves you to take offensive measures to defend yourself against actual or perceived threats.
Do you ever get angry enough to stand up for your rights or for the rights of someone else? Do you ever use anger to set limits on other people’s rude or inconsiderate behavior? Do you ever get angry and say to someone, “Hey, that’s uncalled for,” “Just stop right there — I’m not going to sit here and subject myself any longer to this abuse,” “You’re insulting my friend; stop it,” or “You may bully other people in this office, but you’re not going to bully me.” We hope so, because, otherwise, you may be well on your way to becoming a victim.
Ask yourself: How can I use my anger to defend myself in a positive way?
The secretary’s got it right
Joe loved to bully his employees. He had a daily ritual of calling someone into his office without warning, usually right as most people were leaving for the day — possibly, he did so because there’d be fewer witnesses at that time. Joe would tell his “victim” to have a seat and then immediately proceed to get red in the face with rage, come charging across the office, with his imposing figure standing over his helpless prey, at which point he’d harangue about all sorts of things he was displeased with for what seemed like an eternity. His employees dreaded the day when their name would be called.
Then one day, while several employees were preparing to leave, one of the secretaries was summoned to Joe’s office. Everyone felt badly for her, anticipating what was to come. But, before even five minutes had passed, she returned, looking unperturbed. “What happened?” they asked, “Why are you back so soon?”
“Well, it was just like everybody said it would be. As soon as I sat down, he came charging across the room and started yelling at me. So I stood up and started walking out the door, at which point he said, ‘Where do you think you’re going?’ I simply told him that no one had ever spoken to me like that in my entire life and I didn’t know how to respond, so I thought it best to leave until he calmed down. And here I am.”
Two days later, another person in that same office was called in and found himself being confronted by Joe. As soon as he started hollering, “I got mad but then immediately thought about the secretary,” the man said. “So I got up and started to walk out. He asked me where I thought I was going, and I gave him the same answer the secretary had. He stopped his ranting and calmly asked me to sit back down because he needed to talk with me about something important. I said, ‘Okay, as long as you don’t start hollering again.’” The two had a civil discussion after that.
Anger can serve as an antidote to impotence
Impotence — lacking in power and ability — feels lousy. And we’re not just talking about sexual impotence. We mean being impotent in how you deal with the world around you — your relationships, your job, your finances, your health, your weight, the loss of loved ones, and so on. You feel weak and inadequate, not up to the task at hand.
Then you get angry — and suddenly you’re infused with a sense of empowerment, a feeling of strength, confidence, and competence. You’re standing straight up to the frustrations and conflicts you’ve been avoiding. Anger, used properly, is a can-do emotion: “I can fix this problem,” “I can make a difference here,” and “I can be successful if I try.”
Pay attention to your posture the next time you feel down, dejected, and impotent about some important thing in your life. Then notice how your posture changes when you get fired up and begin to take charge of the situation. We promise you’ll be amazed at the difference.
Understanding the nature of constructive anger
Constructive anger differs from destructive anger in a number of important ways, including the following:
The anger has the purpose of
fixing
a problem or wrongdoing.
For example, getting mad when a ballgame gets rained out isn’t particularly helpful, but feeling irritated then feeling motivated to come up with an alternative activity works.
The anger is directed at the person responsible for the wrongdoing.
If a salesperson treats you rudely when you ask for help but you ignore her rudeness and take your feelings out on the checkout person, your anger isn’t helpful.
The anger response is reasonably proportional to the wrongdoing.
For example, if your adolescent daughter rolls her eyes at you and makes a sarcastic remark, it’s appropriate to take away a couple of hours of her screen time. However, your response would be wildly disproportionate if you slapped her.
The anger intends to stop problems and doesn’t seek revenge.
This is a tough one for many people. For example, Patty’s husband revealed that he’d cheated on her off and on for almost ten years. If her anger leads her to leave the marriage and get counseling, she’s using it productively. On the other hand, if she devoted her life to harassing him and trying to turn her kids against him, she’d be seeking destructive revenge that would hurt her and her children as much as her husband. Not a good idea.
Identifying Your Anger Triggers
Knowing your anger triggers — the events and situations that make you mad — is important because you’ll respond more effectively to your anger when you feel prepared for it. Anticipating the possibility of anger increases your ability to express it more constructively. In this section, we explore common anger triggers.
Being treated unfairly
Many people feel annoyed, irritated, or even enraged whenever something unfair happens to them. Unfortunately, unfair events occur to everyone and even fairly often. Here are a few common examples:
Someone cuts in front of you at the movie theater line.
A teacher gives you what seems clearly to be an unfair grade.
Your boss gives you an inaccurate evaluation at work.
A policeman gives you a ticket when you know you weren’t speeding.
No matter what response you have to unfairness, what matters is whether your reaction is mild, productive, or out of proportion to what happened.
Consider the example of what happened to Cameron (a 16-year-old we know):
Cameron
was driving during a well-publicized traffic enforcement sweep in Albuquerque, New Mexico. The police pulled him over for allegedly failing to use his turn signal, which he insisted he had engaged properly. He was a sincere young man with high principles and a strong belief in fairness. Therefore, he argued with the policeman who promptly wrote a ticket and told him to tell it to the judge if he wanted.
Being a somewhat naïve citizen, Cameron went to court and argued strongly to the judge that he was in the right and that the policeman had unfairly targeted him for some reason. The judge sentenced him to 30 hours of community service and a $50 fine. Cameron spent the next few weekends collecting garbage in an orange vest alongside people who had committed more serious offenses.
Was Cameron’s sentence unfair? Probably. But Cameron concluded that sometimes it may just not be worth it to let his anger and desire for fairness override his common sense. Life simply isn’t always fair.
Responding to time pressure and frustrations
Today’s world is a busy place. People feel pressure to multitask and constantly increase their work output. But things inevitably get in the way of making progress. Examples of such interruptions include
Leaving a bit late to work and running into a huge traffic snarl
Running late for a plane and getting selected for extra screening by security
Having family members or friends constantly text you while you’re working
Having a contractor for your house project fail to show when you had set the whole morning aside to wait
Being placed on hold for 45 minutes and then having your call suddenly disconnected
Are events like these frustrating? You bet. However, they happen to everyone, and they happen no matter what you do to prevent them.
You may be able to set limits in a useful way for some types of interruptions. For example, you may be able to tell family members you need to have them stop texting you at work. However, numerous delays and frustrations inevitably happen. Allowing anger to run out of control won’t help; instead, it will merely flood you with unnecessary stress.
Experiencing dishonesty or disappointment
When people let you down, whether they renege on a promise or simply lie, it’s pretty common to feel annoyed, upset, or angry. And most people encounter these events off and on throughout their lives. For example:
Your partner or spouse cheats on you.
Your boss fails to promote you or give you a raise as promised.
A close friend forgets your birthday.
A friend fails to help with moving as she said she would.
A coworker makes up a lie to get out of work one day.
Your kid tells a lie about hitting his brother.
Of course, it’s normal to feel irritated or even angry about all these triggers. However, we suggest that you try to figure out which types of events happen to you the most often and, more importantly, cause you the most anger.
Encountering threats to self-esteem
People like to feel reasonably good about themselves. Even people who have low self-esteem usually don’t like to experience put-downs and criticism. Some people react to self-esteem threats with sadness and/or self-loathing, whereas others respond with anger. These threats can be either realistic and deserved or quite unfair, as noted in the earlier section in this chapter “Being treated unfairly.” A few examples of self-esteem threats include
Receiving a bad grade or evaluation
Getting insulted or disrespected
Making a mistake in front of other people
Spilling wine on your neighbor’s carpet
Getting rejected
Not getting picked for the sports team
Losing an election
See Chapter 7 for how self-esteem and anger relate to each other. You may be surprised.
Running into prejudice and discrimination
In the earlier section of this chapter “Making anger your ally,” we note that a few special historic figures, such as Gandhi and Nelson Mandela, have channeled their anger and rage into remarkable, world-changing movements. Most people who face discrimination and prejudice feel powerless and unable to change their world. They respond with irritation, anger, rage, or even despair. The nature of discrimination or prejudice can be subtle or blatant. Here are the most common themes of unfair treatment:
Racial or ethnic differences
Sexism
Sexual orientation
Nationalism
Classism
Disability
Religious beliefs
Appearance (such as height and obesity)
You probably realize that this list of common prejudices could be endless. Some people even prejudge others based on the TV news shows they choose to watch. We won’t tell you which ones we watch!
Anger can be triggered either by being intolerant or prejudiced or being the victim of intolerance or prejudice.
