Dear Celebrity E-Book

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Lebensstil
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 137

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2010

Beschreibung

Welcome to the weird and wonderful world of Julian Henby. For some time now, Julian, the Bridget Jones of letter writing, has been badgering decent, hard-working celebrities with a barrage of frankly absurd correspondence, often relating to his dysfunctional family and pets. Dear Celebrity is a compilation of some of his finest work and includes many of the best celebrity responses. So, can Matthew Kelly find Henby's mother a job as a Bearded Lady? Will Professor Lord Robert Winston be able to do anything to help Julian's hamster, David, whose locomotion is severely impaired by his erection which drags along the floor like a fifth leg? Will Joanna Lumley find the time to visit Julian's elderly uncle to talk about her career? And why does Sir Jimmy Savile insist on being the Loch Ness monster? The answers to these and many more questions are to be found here...

Leseprobe

Table of Contents

Praise

Title Page

Copyright Page

Dedication

Acknowledgements

Sir Jimmy Savile OBE

Mr Damien Hirst

Mr Huw Edwards

Michael Jackson

Mr Michael D Jackson

Mr Des O’Connor

Mr Rod Stewart

Mr Brian Blessed

To: Professor Lord Robert M Winston

To: Professor Lord Robert M Winston

Mr Nick Baker (wildlife expert)

Sir Patrick Moore

Sir Patrick Moore CBE, FRS

Sir Patrick Moore CBE, FRS

Sir Patrick Moore CBE, FRS

Mr Noel Edmonds

Mr Michael Flatley

Ms Sophie Ellis-Bextor

The Private Bill Office

Mr Julian Henby

Mr Hugh Grant

Mr George W Bush

Mr Bill Oddie

Mr Richard Briers

Mr Richard Briers

Professor David Bellamy O.B.E.

To: Mr Uri Geller

Rt. Hon. Mr John Major (former PM)

Mr Barry McGuigan (former boxer)

Ms Carol Vorderman MBE

Mr John Miles

Tom Baker (TV Actor)

To: Mr Frank Carson

Mr Jeremy Clarkson

Mr Nicholas Parsons

Ms Jean Diamond

Mr Des Lynam

Ms Kate Winslet

Baroness Margaret Thatcher

Mr Gary Lineker

Ms JK Rowling

Mr Joe Pasquale

Mr James Herbert

Mr James Herbert

Sir Anthony Hopkins

Master Beefeater

Ms Claire Ashford

Sir Paul McCartney

Mr Peter Duncan, Chief Scout

Ms Jeanne Greenyer ACC Diversity

Mrs Jeanne Greenyer ACC Diversity

Ms June Brown

Mr Brian Connolly

Mr Brian Connolly

Mr Michael Buerk

Mr Ian Hislop

Mr Gareth Gates

Sir Steve Redgrave

Mr Jools Holland, Patron

Michael Fish

Mr Matthew Kelly, President

Mr Sylvester McCoy

Mr Nick Ross

Miss Tara Palmer-Tomkinson

Sir Cliff Richard

Ms Emma Thompson

Ms Emma Thompson

Ms Victoria Wood

Mr Nigel Havers

Mr Nigel Havers

Mr Paul McKenna

Ms Edwina Currie

Mr Phillip Schofield

Mr Richard Stilgoe

Mr Richard Stilgoe

Mr Alan Davies

Ms Anneka Rice

Mr Keith Chegwin

Mr Adam Hart-Davis

Ms Joanna Lumley

Ms Joanna Lumley

Mr Brian May

Mr Richard Wilson

Mr Richard Wilson

Lulu

To: The King

King Elvis

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

‘Pick any letter at random—you’ll laugh every time’

—Tom Bowler

‘Cookin’

—Sue Chef

‘Side—splitting’

—Ben Dover

‘You’ll wet yourself laughing’

—I. P. Freely

‘Each letter is more outrageous than the last’

—Shirley Knot

‘The perfect stocking filler’

—Mary Krismass

‘Kept hiccupping in hysterics!’

—Pat McBak

‘Henby really wrapped the wool over their eyes!’

—Ivanna Nitt

‘This guy could get away with anything!’

—Laura Norder

‘A hoot’

—Gray Owl

‘A winning book’

—Jack Pott

‘Hilarious—I couldn’t stop crying!’

—Anita Tissue

‘Couldn’t put it down’

—Paige Turner

‘I applaud the stars for surviving Henby’s wit’

—Holly Wood

Copyright © 2008 by Julian Henley

First published in 2008 by Capstone Publishing Ltd. (a Wiley Company) The Atrium, Southern Gate, Chichester, PO19 8SQ, UK. www.wileyeurope.com

Email (for orders and customer service enquires): [email protected]

The right of Julian Henley to be identified as the author of this book has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988

All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying,recording, scanning or otherwise, except under the terms of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 or under the terms of a licence issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency Ltd, 90 Tottenham Court Road, London W1T 4LP, UK, without the permission in writing of the Publisher. Requests to the Publisher should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons Ltd, The Atrium, Southern Gate, Chichester, West Sussex PO19 8SQ, England, or emailed to [email protected], or faxed to ([phone].

Designations used by companies to distinguish their products are often claimed as trademarks. All brand names and product names used in this book are trade names, service marks, trademarks or registered trademarks of their respective owners. The Publisher is not associated with any product or vendor mentioned in this book.

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold on the understanding that the Publisher is not engaged in rendering professional services. If professional advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

Other Wiley Editorial Offices

John Wiley & Sons Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, USA

Jossey-Bass, 989 Market Street, San Francisco, CA 94103-1741, USA

Wiley-VCH Verlag GmbH, Boschstr. 12, D-69469 Weinheim, Germany

John Wiley & Sons Australia Ltd, 42 McDougall Street, Milton, Queensland 4064, Australia

John Wiley & Sons (Asia) Pte Ltd, 2 Clementi Loop #02-01, Jin Xing Distripark, Singapore 129809

John Wiley & Sons Canada Ltd, 22 Worcester Road, Etobicoke, Ontario, Canada M9W 1L1

Wiley also publishes its books in a variety of electronic formats. Some content that appears in print may not be available in electronic books.

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Henby, Julian.

Dear celebrity : absurd letters to the stars / written and illustrated by Julian Henby.

p. cm.

eISBN : 978-1-907-29358-0

1. Letters--Humor. 2. Celebrities--Correspondence--Humor. I. Title.

PN6231.L44H46 2008

808.81--dc22

2008031723

Typeset by Sparks, Oxford - www.sparkspublishing.com

Printed and bound in Great Britain by TJ International, Padstow, Cornwall

Substantial discounts on bulk quantities of Capstone Books are available to corporations, professional associations and other organizations. For details telephone John Wiley & Sons on ([phone], fax [phone] or email [email protected]

DEDICATION

To Mum (who supported me in this project even though she didn’t always approve)

To Dad (who would have enjoyed my book and who I wish was still around to do so)

Henby Family Free

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Many thanks to my friends the I.L. staff at Ernest Kleinwort Court who spent hours stuffing letters into envelopes. Apologies for the paper cuts but at least I supplied the sweat and tears.

Special thanks to my friend Lee Saunders for his contribution.

Thanks to my friends who read my early letters and encouraged me to continue.

Thank you to my brother Nicholas for the feedback that influenced the book to a great extent.

Sincere thanks go to everyone who replied to my letters. Without them this book would have been rather sad.

Finally, I wish to thank Robert Popper whose brilliant books inspired this one.

All proceeds go toward replacing the wall-padding in poor Dave’s bedroom.

Flat 12 Burgess Hill West Sussex

29 November 2006

Sir Jimmy Savile OBE

Aylesbury

Dear Sir Jimmy

My brother (Dave) is convinced that he is you! The trigger for this delusion seems to have been his messy divorce last year. Ever since then Dave has been wearing lots of heavy, gold jewellery and a track suit. He never smoked before but he now gets through several luxury cigars each day. He has also taken to an intense regime of jogging each morning which the doctor says is not good for his heart, and the jewellery weighs him down too, straining his joints. He insists that he’s training for a marathon.

Dave has also started talking in a strange voice and makes a silly noise at the beginning of each sentence (which can be infuriating). He also keeps saying, ‘now then, now then, now then, jingle-jangle, jingle-jangle’ which irritates me immensely. Perhaps more worryingly, he has been threatened with the sack from the telephone call centre where he works if he doesn’t ‘snap out of it’.

The psychiatrist can’t seem to help much.

Do you know of anyone else suffering from this affliction (apart from yourself)? If so, what sort of treatment do they require?

Yours truly

Julian Henby

Flat 12 Burgess Hill West Sussex

16 January 2007

Sir Jimmy Savile OBE

Aylesbury

Dear Sir Jimmy

Many thanks for kindly sending me a signed photo bearing the note that makes reference to my brother Dave. I am sorry to say that Dave’s condition has deteriorated in recent days and I blame myself.

My grave error was to give him the photo you sent me. My hope was that the picture would force him to face the truth: that he is not Sir Jimmy Savile. Instead, Dave now believes himself to be the mythical ‘Loch Ness Monster’. Over the past few days, Dave has been spending most of his time at the Sussex Yacht Club, snorkelling in the lake and scaring the sailors. Yesterday, he was nearly hit by a motorboat that had to swerve to avoid him, crashing instead into a yacht. Dave was arrested by the police and has now been banned from the Yacht Club premises.

Dave also insists that he is visible only when partially submerged in water. He is seeing the psychiatrist next week and we expect him to be admitted to hospital.

Many thanks for trying to help. It is now clear that Dave requires the full support of a psychiatric team.

Yours truly

Julian Henby

Flat 12 Burgess Hill West Sussex

25 October 2006

Mr Damien Hirst

London

Dear Damien

Firstly, let me say that I am a huge fan of your artwork. I particularly enjoyed the piece for which you took three politicians, skinned them alive and placed them in a life-sized replica of the House of Commons. I am sure we would all like to strip away the façade of lies and half-truths behind which these people so often hide.

But, I must get to my point. For many years I have harboured a deep desire to be an artist and express myself through abstract representation. However, my school art teacher once forced me to eat a clay-sculpture I had made, accusing me of banality. The sculpture was of Barry White and it made rather a big meal. Since then I no longer have the stomach to produce anything artistic.

So, last week I made a momentous decision: If I can’t be an artist I will become the art itself! I admire your use of organic materials and I would like to offer you my own bodily organs for use in one of your pieces. I rarely seem to make much use of my toes (especially the smaller ones) so I would be willing to donate two from each foot. Similarly, I could do without two fingers from each hand. In addition, I have calculated that I could lose eight teeth without ruining my smile. One ear could be replaced by a prosthetic (although I require the other one for listening to my Meat Loaf CDs). I would like to preserve my sense of smell, but I could sacrifice one nostril for the sake of art. I agonised over whether to donate an eye, but eventually I decided not to - sorry Damien (you see, I am trying to persuade my fiancée Rebecca to live with me again, and she has always liked my eyes). That’s about all I can afford to donate apart from hair, one kidney, bodily fluids and, of course, my appendix.

I imagine you employ your own surgical team. However, I am able to save you this cost because my uncle used to be an orthopaedic surgeon before his license was revoked a few years ago; he has agreed to remove all parts to be donated (but I must send Mother on holiday first so we can use the bathroom).

Please let me know how you wish to obtain the materials - I can either drop them off or post them to you if you prefer. Also, are there any parts you do not want?

I look forward to being included in your exhibition. Please let me know the name of the piece comprising my body parts so I can come and see it.

Yours truly

Julian Henby

Flat 12 Burgess Hill West Sussex

13 October 2006

Mr Huw Edwards

c/o BBC News

London W1A 1AA

Dear Mr Edwards

I write to you for help with a very delicate matter.

My fiancée (Rebecca) and I experienced some difficulties with our relationship in the spring of last year. Things seemed to come to a head when I deliberately started to eat bananas again after many years of abstinence, despite knowing this particular fruit provokes in me a very unpleasant allergic reaction. This was the final straw for Rebecca and she moved out of my flat.

Unable to cope on my own, I tracked Rebecca down to beg her to come home. I dragged a bag of my laundry to where she was living. All my clothes had changed colour in the wash and were ruined. I posted each garment through Rebecca’s letterbox and implored her to come back before my entire wardrobe was devastated!

Unfortunately, the police were summoned and I was arrested. And, to make matters worse, there was a court hearing that resulted in the worst possible ruling: I am not allowed contact of any kind with Rebecca.

I cannot risk further brushes with the law, but I must contact Rebecca before insanity takes hold. I therefore ask for your help.

At the end of a forthcoming edition of the 10 O’Clock (evening) News, please make the following announcement:

‘This is a message for Snugglebunny from Bananabum. I’m sorry and I need you back. I love you. Please phone my mobile.’

Rebecca never misses the 10 O’Clock News and I am confident she will understand the message. Hopefully, the average viewer will not even notice the announcement. Please let me know when the message will be broadcast.

Yours truly

Julian Henby

Flat 12 Burgess Hill West Sussex

3 October 2006

Michael Jackson

London

EC1M

Dear Michael

I paid an agency quite a lot of money to find your address - I hope you don’t mind. I was surprised when it turned out to be a UK address instead of American, but I suppose a superstar like you probably has houses all over the world.

I am so excited to be in contact with you. I have been following you for the past nine years and I’m a huge fan of your work. I think you’re so talented.

Please could you send me a signed photo of yourself. I’ll be moonwalking all around town when I receive it.

Keep on thrilling us, Michael. You’re the greatest!

Yours truly

Julian Henby

MICHAEL D JACKSONMARKETING MANAGER

LondonUnited Kingdom

Flat 12

Burgess Hill West Sussex

6 October 2006

Dear Julian,

Thank you for your letter of 3 October. I’m afraid that the agency you paid has come up with the wrong Michael Jackson!

I am a 33 year old marketing manager in an independent arts and heritage publishing company with the same name (although he’s Michael Joseph Jackson and I’m Michael David Jackson, so I’m not a perfect match), but alas none of the musical talent! I’ve attached my business card in case you want to contact the agency that tracked down my contact details and get your money back - perhaps they were confused by the central London addressinto thinking he’d bought a property here.

Anyway, I wish you luck in your search for Michael Jackson superstar. Perhaps you could reach him via his official website which should list his UK fan club address?

Best regards,

Michael D Jackson Marketing Manager

Flat 12 Burgess Hill West Sussex

Mr Michael D Jackson

Marketing Manager (not singer)

London

Dear Michael

Many thanks for your letter of 6 October explaining that you are in fact Michael David Jackson (marketing manager) and not Michael Joseph Jackson (the king of pop).

You said in your letter that you have none of the musical talent of the other Michael Jackson. But, come now Mr Jackson - I’m sure you can bang out a good tune when you think no one is listening. I bet you can even do a Moonwalk (be careful if you try this in the shower because I know from bitter experience that you can slip over and crack your coccyx).