Fishamble Tiny Plays E-Book

• Herausgeber: New Island
• Kategorie: Poesie und Drama
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 245

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024

Beschreibung

Over a decade, Fishamble commissioned and called for submissions of tiny plays that reflected major changes in Irish society from 2011-2021. Inviting playwrights to submit plays of less than 600 words, the company produced 50 tiny plays in Tiny Plays for Ireland, 10 tiny plays in Tiny Plays 24/7, and 10 tiny plays in partnership with ESB in Tiny Plays for a Brighter Future. These productions of tiny plays created a patchwork quilt of theatre to reflect the times through which we were living.  They were performed in Project Arts Centre Dublin, Irish Arts Center New York, and Kennedy Center Washington DC, as well as shared online.  This anthology publishes all 70 tiny plays, providing an invaluable resource of four-minute plays for actors, directors, students, and teachers.

Leseprobe

FISHAMBLE TINY PLAYS

First published in 2024 by

New Island Books

Glenshesk House, 10 Richview Office Park

Clonskeagh, Dublin D14 V8C4

Republic of Ireland

www.newisland.ie

Introduction © Jim Culleton, 2024

Individual plays pp 5–110 © respective authors, 2013

Individual plays pp 110–313 © respective authors, 2024

The right of the authors to be identified as the authors of this work has been asserted in accordance with the provisions of the Copyright and Related Rights Act, 2000.

Print ISBN: 978-1-84840-933-0

eBook ISBN: 978-1-84840-934-7

All rights reserved. The material in this publication is protected by copyright law. Except as may be permitted by law, no part of the material may be reproduced (including by storage in a retrieval system) or transmitted in any form or by any means; adapted; rented or lent without the written permission of the copyright owners.

Every effort has been made to contact copyright holders of material reproduced in this book. We would be pleased to rectify any omissions in subsequent editions should they be drawn to our attention.

These plays are works of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, organisations, places and events are either the product of the authors’ imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data. A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

Typeset by JVR Creative, India

Cover design by Publicis Dublin and New Island

Cover image: Loperamide crystals, courtesy of Annie Cavanagh and David McCarthy. NonCommercial 4.0 International (CC BY-NC 4.0). The original image has been altered for design purposes. Source: Wellcome Collection

Printed by Opolgraf Printing House, Poland, opolgraf.com.pl

New Island Books is a member of Publishing Ireland.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Contents

About Fishamble

About the Editor

Introduction

Tiny Plays for Ireland

Tiny Plays for Ireland 2

Tiny Plays 24/7

Tiny Plays for a Brighter Future

About Fishamble

Fishamble is an Irish theatre company that discovers, develops and produces new plays of national importance with a global reach. It has toured its productions to audiences throughout Ireland, and to twenty other countries. It champions the role of the playwright, typically supporting over 50 per cent of the writers of all new plays produced on the island of Ireland each year. Fishamble has received many awards in Ireland and internationally, including an Olivier Award.

‘The much-loved Fishamble [is] a global brand with international theatrical presence … an unswerving force for new writing.’ The Irish Times

‘Ireland’s leading new writing company.’ The Stage

‘The respected Dublin company … forward-thinking Fishamble.’ The New York Times

‘Excellent Fishamble … Ireland’s terrific Fishamble.’ The Guardian

‘When Fishamble is [in New York], you’ve got to go.’Time Out New York

‘That great Irish new writing company, Fishamble.’ Lyn Gardner, Stagedoor

‘Fishamble puts electricity into the national grid of dreams.’ Sebastian Barry

Fishamble Staff: Jim Culleton (Artistic Director & CEO), Eva Scanlan (Executive Director), Gavin Kostick (Literary Manager), Ronan Carey (Office & Production Coordinator), Cally Shine (Associate Producer), Laura MacNaughton (Producer), Freya Gillespie (Fundraising & Development Executive), Allie Whelan (Marketing, Outreach, and Engagement Manager)

Fishamble Board: Peter Finnegan, John McGrane, Louise Molloy, Doireann Ní Bhriain (Chair), Ronan Nulty, John O’Donnell, Siobhan O’Leary (Vice Chair), Colleen Savage, John Tierney, Denise Walshe

Fishamble is funded by the Arts Council, Dublin City Council, and Culture Ireland.

fishamble.com facebook.com/fishamble twitter.com/fishamble

Fishamble’s Recent and Current Productions

Taigh/Tŷ/Teach by Eva O’Connor, Mairi Morrison and Mared Llywelyn Williams (2024), in coproduction with Theatre Gu Leòr and Theatr Bara Caws

In Two Minds by Joanne Ryan (since 2023), touring in Ireland

King by Pat Kinevane (since 2023), touring in Ireland, UK, US, Europe

Heaven by Eugene O’Brien (since 2022), touring in Ireland, US, UK

Outrage by Deirdre Kinahan (2022), touring and online, as part of the Decade of Centenaries

The Pride of Parnell Street by Sebastian Barry (2007–11 and 2022), touring in Ireland and internationally, BBC Audio

The Treaty by Colin Murphy (2021–22), in Ireland, Irish Embassy in London, and online as part of the Decade of Centenaries and Seóda Festival

Duck Duck Goose by Caitríona Daly (2021–22), touring in Ireland, and online

On Blueberry Hill by Sebastian Barry (2017–21), touring in Ireland, Europe, Off-Broadway, West End, Audible, and online

Mustard by Eva O’Connor (since 2020), on tour in Ireland, internationally, and online

On the Horizon in association with Dirty Protest, by Shannon Yee, Hefin Robinson, Michael Patrick, Oisín Kearney, Samantha O’Rourke, Ciara Elizabeth Smyth, and Connor Allen (2021), online

Tiny Plays for a Brighter Future by Niall Murphy, Signe Lury, and Eva-Jane Gaffney(2021), online

Embargo by Deirdre Kinahan (2020), online during Dublin Theatre Festival

Tiny Plays 24/7 by Lora Hartin, Maria Popovic, Ciara Elizabeth Smyth, Caitríona Daly, Conor Hanratty, Julia Marks, Patrick O’Laoghaire, Eric O‘Brien, Grace Lobo, and Ryan Murphy (2020), online

The Alternative by Oisín Kearney and Michael Patrick (2019), on tour to Pavilion Theatre, Draíocht, Belltable, Everyman Theatre, Town Hall Theatre, and Lyric Theatre

Haughey|Gregory by Colin Murphy (2018–19), in the Abbey Theatre, Mountjoy Prison, Dáil Éireann, Croke Park, and Larkin Community College, as well as on national tour

The Humours of Bandon by Margaret McAuliffe (2017–19), touring in Ireland, UK, US, and Australia

Rathmines Road by Deirdre Kinahan (2018), in coproduction with the Abbey Theatre

Drip Feed by Karen Cogan (2018), in coproduction with Soho Theatre, touring in Ireland and UK

GPO 1818 by Colin Murphy (2018), to mark the bicentenary of the GPO

Maz & Bricks by Eva O’Connor (2017–18), on national and international tour

Forgotten, Silent, Underneath,and Before by Pat Kinevane (since 2007, 2011, 2014, and 2018, respectively), touring in Ireland, UK, Europe, US, Australia, New Zealand, and online, in English and bilingually in many countries

Charolais by Noni Stapleton (2017), in New York

Inside the GPO by Colin Murphy (2016), performed in the GPO during Easter

Tiny Plays for Ireland and America by twenty-six writers (2016), at the Kennedy Center, Washington DC, and Irish Arts Center, New York, as part of Ireland 100

Mainstream by Rosaleen McDonagh (2016), in coproduction with Project Arts Centre

Invitation to a Journey by David Bolger, Deirdre Gribbin and Gavin Kostick (2016), in coproduction with CoisCéim, Crash Ensemble and Galway International Arts Festival

Little Thing, Big Thing by Donal O’Kelly (2014–16), touring in Ireland, UK, Europe, US and Australia

Swing by Steve Blount, Peter Daly, Gavin Kostick and Janet Moran (2014–16) touring in Ireland, UK, Europe, US, Australia, and New Zealand

Bailed Out by Colin Murphy (2015), on national tour

Spinning by Deirdre Kinahan (2014), at Dublin Theatre Festival

The Wheelchair on My Face by Sonya Kelly (2013–14), touring in Ireland, UK, Europe and US

About the Editor

Jim Culleton is the artistic director of Fishamble: The New Play Company, for which he has directed productions on tour throughout Ireland, UK, Europe, Australia, New Zealand, Canada and the US, including eleven transfers Off-Broadway. His productions for Fishamble have won Olivier, The Stage, Scotsman Fringe First, and Irish Times Best Director awards.

Jim has directed for the Abbey, the Gaiety, the Belgrade, 7:84 Scotland, Project, Amharclann de hÍde, Tinderbox, Passion Machine, the Ark, Second Age, Dundee Rep, CoisCéim/Crash Ensemble/GIAF, Little Museum of Dublin, Fighting Words, Scripts, Dirty Protest, Staatstheater Mainz, Draíocht and Baptiste Programme. He has directed audio plays for Audible, BBC, RTÉ Radio 1 and RTÉ Lyric FM.

He has also directed for Vessel and APA (Australia), Solas Nua, Mosaic and Kennedy Center (Washington DC), Odyssey (LA), Inis Nua (Philadelphia), Origin, Irish Arts Center, New Dramatists, Irish Rep, and 59E59 (New York), as well as for Trafalgar Theatre Productions on the West End and IAC/Symphony Space on Broadway.

Jim has taught at NYU, NUI, GSA, Uversity, the Lir Academy Villanova, Notre Dame, UM, UMD, JNU, TU Dublin, Drexel and TCD. He has previously edited Voice Our Concern for Amnesty International, and Fishamble/Pigsback: First Plays, Tiny Plays for Ireland,Fishamble Firsts, and Contemporary Irish Monologues(co-edited with Clodagh O’Donoghue),also for New Island Books.

For Clodagh, Daniel, and Lara

Introduction

Fishamble: The New Play Company is always searching for, and developing, plays that grapple with the times in which we live. In 2011, in order to reflect on the country’s current situation following the economic crash, we decided to put our trust in the Irish public and launched a national call for submissions, through The Irish Times, for tiny plays to add to the debate about the future of the country. We asked people to consider what they could achieve with about four minutes of stage time, what issues they felt needed to be addressed, and what characters they wanted to bring to life on stage. We commissioned plays by some of Ireland’s top writers, to start the project, and a selection of these was published in The Irish Times to share how some writers had dealt with the challenge of writing a 600-word play that captured a glimpse, moment or encounter of contemporary relevance.

We were thrilled with the response, receiving over 1,700 tiny plays, indicating how deeply the Irish public feels about the issues explored in the plays and the need to express them. In fact, the word count of all the plays submitted amounts to more than double that of War and Peace, or four times that of TheLord of the Rings! We received plays about all aspects of life, from every county on the island of Ireland, as well as from over a dozen other countries. The youngest playwright was seven years of age, the oldest was eighty-one.

The plays were full of passion, whether it was expressing anger at Ireland’s current economic situation, sadness at instances of social injustice or joy at an expression of love in an ordinary, everyday encounter. Writers were interested, of course, in perennial social issues including homelessness, bereavement, politics and the recession, but also in other, less expected, areas. Reading all the plays gave us a very real, immediate insight into what the Irish public wanted to say about contemporary life. It was a privilege to read such a range of work and to get a picture of what ideas people from all over the country, and outside it, decided to express through their tiny plays. We are particularly pleased that so many people, whether their play was chosen for production or not, remarked that it had been a great catalyst to write a play and that it had given them the confidence and motivation to work on another, more substantial work.

Our next challenge was to work out how to do justice to the level of creativity and interest that the project generated. The number of plays that seemed complete and satisfying – with a turning point, a moment of discovery, or a character progression, that seemed to be just right for the short timeframe of the play – was very impressive. So we decided to double the number of plays we would produce and mount two separate productions, one production of twenty-five Tiny Plays in Project Arts Centre in March 2012 and another production of a different twenty-five Tiny Plays in March 2013.

One hundred and nineteen submissions were written by young people. Some of these were chosen for the full productions and Fishamble presented a free public reading of a selection of others, to share the thoughts and ideas of people under eighteen years of age with the public. This was part of a larger programme of free debates and discussions accompanying the productions.

Once the plays were chosen, we needed to decide which plays would be part of each production and in what order they would be performed, so that the audience would hopefully have a unified and satisfying experience. The running order of plays in production began with those set in early morning, progressing through the day, to night and back to early morning again. This allowed the action to progress through a twenty-four hour cycle, so a play set in Dáil Éireann late at night, or following the evening news, took place later in the production than a play with a separated father collecting his child from school, or two teenagers waiting outside the school principal’s office following a violent incident.

The productions were staged in the round, so the theatre resembled a mini sports arena or political forum. The set represented two paths intersecting, to create a sense of plays happening ‘at the crossroads’. While the audience witnessed twenty-five plays, we were keen to avoid twenty-four scene changes, so the set allowed plays to exist in their own right while maintaining the momentum of the overall production.

On the first morning of rehearsals, it was wonderful to see the room full of almost fifty writers (from both productions) and to hear such a varied range of opinions and insights expressed through the plays.

We revisited the tiny play model seven years later, in 2020, during the Covid-19 pandemic, another time of national and international crisis. During the lockdown, Fishamble wanted to help keep imaginations lively, communities engaged and, most of all, offer people the opportunity of communication through creative expression. In March–April, Fishamble invited people in Ireland to write 600-word Tiny Plays, with weekly prompts of COMMUNITY, NATURE, TRADE, and ESSENTIAL. Fishamble then opened this challenge out to the rest of the world in May, asking people to respond to the prompt CHANGE. Fishamble was delighted to receive over 470 submissions in total for the #TinyPlayChallenge, and staged ten of them as part of Tiny Plays 24/7, which was filmed and shared online.

In 2021, Fishamble was thrilled to be commissioned by Electricity Supply Board (ESB) to createTiny Plays for a Brighter Future, calling for submissions of Tiny Plays which explore issues of climate change, sustainability, transition to a low carbon energy future and how the choices we make now will affect the future of Ireland. Over 350 submissions were received, and ten shortlisted plays were selected by an independent panel of judges. Three of the ten plays were then produced, staged in a sustainable way, filmed and shared online.

These four productions of Tiny Plays capture many of the key concerns for people during moments of crisis, and express them in short, impactful pieces of theatre. They provide a snapshot of life over the course of a decade. While some engage with dark and moving themes, it is also reassuring to see how many plays have messages of hope and love and resilience during the challenging times on which they reflect. I am very grateful to everyone who has made the four productions of Tiny Plays possible by sharing their work with us.

The Tiny Plays from the first two productions were also originally published by New Island, and the anthology was Fishamble’s fastest selling book, with constant requests for copies from schools, writers, directors, drama teachers, youth groups and theatre companies. The book has been out of print for a few years, so I am delighted that the original plays, and the more recent ones, are captured in this new anthology so they can continue to be read and performed, and to inspire others to write and create their own work. Thanks so much to the writers, New Island Books, ICLA, and ESB, for helping us to make it happen.

Jim Culleton, Artistic Director, Fishamble, May 2024

Tiny Plays for Ireland

‘I challenge you not to be inspired by the production as a whole which gives, through these tiny plays, a massive insight into a very talented Ireland.’ entertainment.ie

‘Director Jim Culleton shifts gears and changes tack admirably … [the actors are] all superb.’ The Irish Times

‘Entertainingly performed.’ Irish Independent

‘A theatrical mosaic ... offering fascinating perspectives on politics and the pressures of a prolonged recession.’ The Guardian

‘Each piece is expertly realised.’ Metro Herald

‘Extraordinary achievement … very funny … it’s what theatre should be about … the cast are superb under Culleton’s direction.’ Sunday Independent

‘Brilliantly crafted … perfectly judged performances … small really can be beautiful.’ Sunday Business Post

‘A gorgeous evening of theatre … good things come in small packages.’ The Dubliner

‘Such a pleasure to watch this show … the sheer success of the staging … the enjoyment of watching the ensemble play … work that is delightful, moving and adept, that engages and unites an audience.’ Irish Theatre Magazine

Tiny Plays for Ireland was first produced by Fishamble: The New Play Company on 15 March 2012 at the Project Arts Centre, Dublin, with the following cast and production team:

Man 1

Peter Daly

Man 2

Don Wycherley

Man 3

Steve Blount

Woman 1

Mary Murray

Woman 2

Kate Stanley Brennan

Boy

Robert Donnelly

Voiceover in

A Body

Sean Doupe

Director

Jim Culleton

Dramaturg

Gavin Kostick

Set Designer

Sabine Dargent

Costume Designer

Niamh Lunny

Lighting Designer

Paul Keogan

Sound Designer

Ivan Birthistle and Vincent Doherty

Producer

Marketa Dowling

PR

Sinead O’Doherty at Gerry Lundberg PR

Production Manager

Des Kenny

Stage Director

Diarmuid O’Quigley

Stage Manager

Clare Howe

Hair & Make Up

Val Sherlock

Graphic Design

Dave Darcy

Stills

Pat Redmond

Polish Accent Coach

Anna Wolf

Chaperone

Emma Ryan

Assistant Director

Aisling Smith

Costume Assistant

Tullia Giacomelli

Safety Announcement by Joseph O’Connor

Poster Boy by Antonia Hart

White Food by Ardal O’Hanlon

Beat Him Like a Badger by Rosaleen McDonagh

The King’s Shilling by Mark Hennessy

Between Us We Have Everything by Karl O’Neill

Don’t Take It Personally by Rachel Fehily

Pastoral Care by Gerald Murphy

Broken by Deirdre Kinahan

Rainout by Jesse Weaver

Calling Time by Michael West

Commiserations by Niamh Creely

A Deal Made in Drimnagh by Sean McLoughlin

A Body by Adrienne Michel Long

Dialogue by Gregory Rosenstock

Debris by Evan Lee D’Alton

A Life by Ronan Geoghegan

The Nation’s Assets by Michelle Read

Tuesday Evening (Following the News) by Darren Donohue

The Audition by Rory Nolan

Guaranteed Irish by Colin Murphy

It’s a Lovely Day, Bill Withers by Jody O’Neill

Sure This Is It by Ciara Ní Chuirc

Unrequited by Michael Cussen

Where Will We Go by Dermot Bolger

Safety Announcement

by Joseph O’Connor

An Usher in tuxedo walks onto the playing area.

Usher: Welcome to Project Arts Centre and FISHAMBLE’S production TINY PLAYS FOR IRELAND.

Please take note of your nearest fire exit, which may be behind you, and ensure that your mobile phone is switched completely off and not left on silent.

Photography and filming of any type is strictly prohibited in the auditorium.

Please note that patrons who leave the performance will not be re-admitted.

You can find more information on our programme and book tickets online at www.projectartscentre.ie.

Please enjoy the show.

Fáilte chuig Ionad Ealaíon Project.

Tabhair faoi deara an doras éalaithe is giorra duit, b’fhéidir go bhfuil sé taobh thiar duit agus déan cinnte go bhfuil do ghuthán póca ní amháin curtha ina dtost ach múctha amach is amach.

Tá cosc iomlán ar ghriangrafadóireacht le splanc taobh istigh den amharclann …

He now becomes aware that a man in the audience has had his hand up for some moments.

Audience Member: Excuse me?

Usher: (nonplussed) Yes?

Audience Member: Mr Daly?

Usher: Yes.

Audience Member: Mr Peter Daly of Le Fanu Avenue?

Usher: Who are you?

Audience Member: I’m sorry to interrupt, but can I have a word? When you’re ready?

Usher: Look, I’m actually trying to work here. What do you think you’re doing?

Audience Member: I’m a court-appointed officer and I’m here to serve you with a summons for mortgage arrears.

Usher: For God’s sake, this is a public place. A play is about to start!

Audience Member/Bailiff: You’ve been avoiding me for weeks. You haven’t returned my calls. I called up to you at the house and you pretended you were out.

Usher: I didn’t.

Audience Member/Bailiff: I saw you through the curtains.

Usher: I don’t have curtains.

Bailiff: Don’t be fuckin’ smart, pal. I meant the venetian blinds. (He approaches) I’m authorised to repossess goods from you to the value of five thousand euros. That’s the way it’s gonna be, pal. It’s payback time.

Usher: I don’t have it, I swear. What are you suggesting?

Bailiff: I’m suggesting you pay me. I’ll give you five minutes.

Usher: Be reasonable, for God’s sake. Can we talk about this after the show?

Bailiff: The time for talking’s over. I need the money now.

The Usher thinks for a moment.

Usher: Can anyone in the audience loan me five thousand euros?

Silence.

Usher: A tenner?

Bailiff: Of course they can’t lend you five grand! Look at the state of them! They’re broke! You don’t think they’d be dressed like alcoholic tramps otherwise?!

Usher: I don’t have it. I swear. What you want me to do?

Bailiff: Right so. I’m performing a citizen’s arrest on you.

In different parts of the audience, two Heavies stand up. They approach the stage menacingly.

Usher (backing away fearfully) LADS!

From backstage, every member of the cast very quickly appears, some costumed, some in wigs, some in their own clothes. Many of them quickly produce improvised weapons: coshes, chair legs, lengths of chain, bricks. An Actor dressed as Hamlet produces a chainsaw.

Bailiff: Do you think that pack of gobshites scares me? The money! Or else!

Usher: I warn you. These are trained actors. You don’t want to mess around.

One of the actors mimes producing a shotgun. He locks and loads.

Bailiff: (to the actor) What in the name of Jaysus do you think you’re doing?

Usher: The arts have power. Don’t fuck with them, I warn you. They voted for Michael D. Higgins!

Bailiff: Right so. I’m sick of this.

As Heavy One approaches, the Actor BLASTS him with the mimed shotgun. The Heavy falls to the ground, writhing in agony. The Actor turns his invisible shotgun on the second Heavy and BLASTS him too. The Heavy collapses. The Actor ruthlessly re-loads and finishes him off on the ground. A gang of other actors then mime producing flick-knives and attack the Bailiff with them, knifing him until he collapses in appalling and over-acted agony.

All three bodies are dragged off stage by the company.

Usher: Ladies and gentlemen, please excuse that interruption. Turn your phones off … or else.

Poster Boy

by Antonia Hart

Platform at Pearse Station, Dublin.Mum and young teenage son, Seán, are sitting on a bench waiting for a DART; she’s upright and alert, he’s lolling on the bench with his legs sticking out, one of them bouncing in time to the music he’s listening to on his iPod. Mum is dressed in trendy mum clothes – an Avoca-style tunic, faux fur-lined gilet, leggings, skinny boots, with a slouchy, soft leather handbag. Good haircut and makeup. Seán wears school uniform – grey trousers with tie poking out of pocket, white open-necked shirt, navy jumper.

Something catches Mum’s eye. The audience can’t see it.

Mum:(nudging son) I can’t believe they’ve done it again.

Seán: Hmm?

Mum pulls his earphone out of the ear nearest to her.

Seán:(sitting up) Mum! Get off! What?

Seán snatches back earphone.

Mum:(gestures) Did you see the poster?

Seán:(rolls eyes) That crisp one?

Mum: Yes, can you believe they’ve done it again?

Seán: (puts earphone back in) I quite like it.

Mum:(pulls earphone out again) You what?

Seán: (stuffs earphones in pocket, shrugs) It’s okay.

Mum: How is it okay?

Seán: I like it. It doesn’t make me buy the crisps or not buy the crisps. It’s just a picture. Lighten up.

Mum: But Seán, do you think it’s right to use images of women in that way?

Seán: I dunno.

Mum:(exasperated) But we’ve talked about this!

Seán:You’ve talked about it.

Mum: Well, anyway, I’ve said it’s wrong.

Seán: They didn’t make the models do it, did they? They wanted to, they got paid, what’s the problem?

Mum: The problem is it’s perpetuating the idea that women are nothing more than sexual objects.

Seán:(pulls out earphones again and inspects them; picks something off one of them) I dunno what perpetuating is.

Mum: Keeping it going.

Seán: Okay but if it’s women doing it that’s okay. Why should you tell other women how to be?

Mum: I don’t want to tell anyone how to be! The whole point of the struggle for equal rights was that women would have choices. I’m not saying the models shouldn’t work as models or shouldn’t show their bodies. Of course they, as women, should have a choice.

Seán: Well I don’t get it then.

Mum: Well, I suppose it’s the advertising agency I have a problem with, and the crisp company themselves. They are the ones who are promoting the idea that a woman’s place is society is determined by how attractive she is, by how big her …

Seán: Breasts?

Mum: Well, yes, by how big her breasts are. Or by how … (whispers) sexually available … she is.

Seán: Nobody cares, Mum.

Mum: How can you say that?

Seán: Nobody cares. If one of my mates sees that poster he doesn’t go ‘oh ok, women should definitely earn less than men’ or ‘oh right, like women should do more washing up or whatever’. If you see the poster you just go ‘that’s a fit girl’. If you like the crisps you buy them. If you don’t, you don’t. You don’t have to go jumping around about it.

Mum: I’m not jumping around.

Seán: Okay, well you don’t have to keep educating me.

Mum: It’s my job.

Seán:(sighs) I know, Mum. What I mean is that you don’t have to keep rabbiting on about this one. I don’t have a crap idea about women or anything and I know perfectly well what the poster is saying. But because I know it, it doesn’t affect me. I’m not thick, you know.

Mum: You can’t be sure it doesn’t affect you.

Seán: I can. Here’s the train.

Seán gets earphones out of pocket, sticks them in ears, turns up volume on iPod. Sound of distant train rumbling.

Mum:(raises voice) I just want you to have a good level of awareness. What music are you listening to?

Seán:(removes one earphone) What?

Mum: What music are you listening to?

Seán: That Eminem and Rihanna song.

Rumbling of train gets louder.

Mum: That one that says if she tries to leave he’s going to tie her to the bed?

Seán: It’s just music, Mum.

Seán puts earphone back in and walks off.

Mum: So it is that one? I assume you’ve looked up those lyrics on the web. Seán! Do you know what misogyny means? Can you hear me?

White Food

by Ardal O’Hanlon

The scene is the lounge of a well-run hotel in a border town on a Sunday morning.

Off-stage, a Sunday morning crooner sings ‘Ode to Billie Joe’ while playing his plinky keyboard.

Frank (thirty), a native with metropolitan flourishes, sits hungover on a banquette. There is an overnight bag on the floor beside him and an unfinished pint on the table. He is joined by his brother Seamus (thirty-three), dressed as a referee, two fresh pints in his hands.

Seamus: That was some night. (Drinks)

Frank: Oh.

Seamus: Ha?

Frank: Oh-hoh.

Seamus: Wasn’t it though?

Frank: Yeah.

Seamus: A deadly night. Am I right?

Frank: I should be off, Seamus.

Seamus: Did you see Mammy’s face?

Frank: I did.

Seamus: Ha?

Frank: Oh now.

Seamus: Ha?

Seamus: Do you know what your problem is?

Frank: No.

Seamus: You’re aloof. (Drinks) Did you know that?

Frank:(drinks)

Seamus: No offence, Frank. You don’t join in. (He suddenly bursts into song along with the off-stage crooner) ‘… from Choctaw ridge, today Billie Joe McAllister jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge’. (Abruptly) You have no sense of … community. (Beat) Some spread!

Frank: Yeah …

Seamus: A credit to all concerned. Ha? (Drinks)

Frank: Well …

Seamus: Well what?

Frank: It was a bit …

Seamus: A bit what?

Frank: A bit … you know …

Seamus: Ha?

Frank: Gloopy! The food. A bit on the gloopy side.

Seamus: What are you on about? Frank? Gloopy? Ha? What the fuck are you on about? It was deadly. That’s what it was.

Frank: Sorry.

Seamus: Make no mistake about that, whatsoever. A deadly spread. Is what it was. (Drinks)

Frank: It’s just.

Seamus: Ha? (Looks at his watch)

Frank: It was all … white.

Seamus: It was a buffet Frank.

Frank: The potato salad was white.

Seamus: So what?

Frank: The coleslaw? What colour was that?

Seamus: White. Of course. Fair play to it.

Frank: The apple and celery? The coronation chicken?

Seamus: Stop. Stop.

Frank: All white.

Seamus: You’re whetting me appetite. I’m salivating.

Frank: Why? (Drinks)

Seamus: It went down well. That’s the main thing.

Frank: Even the ham was white.

Seamus:(stands up, angry) That was turkey. In fairness Frank. That was fucking turkey,