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- Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
- Kategorie: Wissenschaft und neue Technologien
- Sprache: Englisch
Get ahead in the workplace by influencing others Influence is a timeless topic for business leaders and others in positions of power, but the world has evolved to the point where everyone needs these skills. No matter your job, role, rank, or function, if you want to get things done you need to know how to influence up, down, across, and outside the organization. Increasing Your Influence at Work All-in-One For Dummies shows you how to contribute more fully to important decisions, resolve conflicts more easily, lead and manage more effectively, and much more. Plus, you'll discover how to develop the most important attributes necessary for influence--trustworthiness, reliability, and assertiveness--and find out how to move beyond. * Includes easy-to-apply information for influencing managers, peers, and subordinates * Shows you how to build trust with your co-workers and cultivate reliability through consistency and being personal * Illustrates how influencing others in the office helps you enjoy a greater measure of control over your work life * Helps you advance your career more rapidly than others No matter who you are, where you work, or what your professional goals are, achieving more influence in the workplace is critical for success.
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Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2018
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Increasing Your Influence at Work All-in-One For Dummies®
Published by: John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030-5774, www.wiley.com
Copyright © 2018 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey
Published simultaneously in Canada
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Library of Congress Control Number: 2018942935
ISBN 978-1-119-48906-1 (pbk); ISBN 978-1-119-48908-5 (ebk); ISBN 978-1-119-48907-8 (ebk)
Increasing Your Influence at Work All-in-One For Dummies®
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Table of Contents
Cover
Introduction
About This Book
Foolish Assumptions
Icons Used in This Book
Beyond the Book
Where to Go from Here
Book 1: Body Talk: Influencing through Communication and Body Language
Chapter 1: Building Effective Verbal Communication Techniques
Great Communicators Are Made, Not Born
Verbal Communication: When Words Matter Most
Cooperative Language: Verbal Communication at Its Finest
Chapter 2: Grasping Nonverbal Cues
Noting Nonverbal Techniques that Speak Volumes
Becoming an Expert in Active Listening
Chapter 3: Defining Body Language
Discovering How Body Language Conveys Messages
Examining Key Types of Gestures
Getting the Most Out of Body Language
Appreciating Cultural Differences
Chapter 4: Working with Different Communication Styles
Taking On Direct and Passive Communication Styles
Saying Yes to Assertiveness
Knowing Your Communication Style
Sharpening Your Communication Style
Chapter 5: Influencing through Communication
Understanding the Importance of Effective Communication
Communicating Quicker than the Speed of Conscious Thought
Understanding Why People Say Yes
If You Have the Need to Influence, You Get to Do All the Work
Navigating the Political Landscape
Ethically Influencing and Persuading for Results
It Takes Two to Influence
If You Aren’t Getting the Desired Results, Change Your Communication
Chapter 6: Influencing through Body Language
Creating a Positive Environment
Pointing Your Body in the Right Direction
Negotiating Styles
Book 2: Exerting Influence through Important Conversations
Chapter 1: Conversations in Good and Bad Times
Using Critical Conversation Tools to Develop Superstars
Coaching with Critical Conversations
Making Everyday Conversations Count
Opening Your Culture to Conversation
Preparing for a Performance Conversation
Having Conversations When Performance Is Suffering
Turning Poor Performers into Productive Performers
Keeping It Close to the Chest: Confidentiality Is Critical
Chapter 2: Hot Topics in Team Conversations
Creating a Productive Team
Improving Team Behavior
Chapter 3: Staff Disputes
Getting Results When Employees Aren’t Getting Along
Considering Expert Tactics for Handling Staff Disputes
Resolving the Five Biggest Staff Disputes
Chapter 4: Workplace Complaints
Addressing Workplace Complaints
Using Critical Conversations When an Issue Is Raised
Digging into Workplace Complaints
Bringing in a Mediator
Moving Forward after Tough Workplace Conversations
Chapter 5: Difficult Behaviors
Defining Difficult Behaviors
Keying in on Difficult Behaviors
Using a Critical Conversation to Turn Around Difficult Behaviors
Building a Toolbox: Action Plans for Difficult Behaviors
Finding the Words for Special Circumstances
Stepping in When Bad Behavior Becomes a Pattern
Chapter 6: Customer Conversations
Helping Customer Relationships
Providing Exceptional Customer Service
Handling a Customer Who Crosses the Line
Delivering Bad News to Clients
Keeping Your Customers
Book 3: Peace Talks: Having Influence When You’re the One Involved in Conflict
Chapter 1: Identifying What Both Sides Want
Asking Yourself What You Really Want
Thinking about What the Other Person Wants
Taking a Look at Both Sides
Chapter 2: Asking for a Meeting to Talk about the Conflict
Considering the Best Way to Approach the Other Person
Preparing for Resistance
Setting a Time and a Place for a Productive Discussion
Chapter 3: Sitting Down to Talk through the Issues
Preparing to Mediate Your Own Conflict
Getting the One-on-One Started
Sharing Perspectives
Creating an Agenda
Looking for Win-Win Solutions
Concluding the Discussion
Chapter 4: Tailoring Your Approach to the Organizational Chart
Resolving Issues with Someone You Supervise
Addressing Conflict with a Peer
Having One-on-One Conversations with Your Boss
Book 4: Go, Team! Building Influence across Teams and Functions
Chapter 1: Driving Engagement through Team Development
Yay, Team: Identifying Characteristics of an Engaged Team
Stormin’ and Normin’: Exploring Tuckman’s Stages
From a Distance: Leading Teams from Afar
Hit Me with Your Best Shot: Conducting a High-Impact Team Workshop
Chapter 2: Improving Organizational Communication
Mind the Gap: The Great Organizational Communication Fissure
Establishing Two-Way Communication
Building a Communication Protocol
Maximizing the Various Communication Tools
Communicating Change
Communicating Your Engagement Efforts
Looking at a Few Communication Don’ts
Chapter 3: Strengthening Team Performance with Mindfulness
Identifying and Harnessing Team Dynamics
Improving Team Performance by Staying Focused on the Important Stuff
Enhancing Internal and External Business Relationships
Boosting Team Morale and Effort
Chapter 4: Using Mindfulness to Assist Different Business Functions
Mindfulness for Human Resources
Mindfulness for Occupational Health
Mindfulness for Learning and Organizational Development
Mindfulness for Customer Service
Mindfulness for Marketing and PR
Book 5: Boomers and Beyond: Influencing across Generations
Chapter 1: Driving Engagement across Generations
Boom Baby: Working with Baby Boomers
X Marks the Spot: Working with Generation X
Working with Millennials
Putting It All Together
Chapter 2: Encouraging and Facilitating Collaboration among Generations
Shifting Your Perspective on Collaboration
Reconciling Differences: Independent Xers versus Collaborative Millennials
Onboarding Millennials
Training Millennials
Mentoring Millennials and Vice Versa
Building a Collaborative Infrastructure
Chapter 3: Supercharging Your Feedback Loop
Giving Feedback in the Instantaneous Age
Rethinking the Review Session
Realizing that Feedback Is a Two-Way Street
Acting More Like a Coach Than a Boss
Troubleshooting Common Feedback Issues
Chapter 4: Motivating Millennials — Generation “ Why? ”
Managing for Meaning
Compensating the Noncompensation Generation
Rewarding Millennials
Chapter 5: Dropping Workplace Formalities
Distinguishing Between Formality at Work and Work Ethic
Drawing the Fine Line between Manager and Friend
Channeling Your Inner Emily Post: Communication Etiquette
Book 6: Who’s the Boss? Becoming an Influential Company Leader
Chapter 1: People Who Lead People: Engaging Employees through Leadership
Distinguishing Management versus Leadership
Surveying Leadership-Based Engagement Drivers
Understanding That Leadership Starts at the Top
Identifying the Behaviors and Traits of Engaged Leaders
Here Comes the Train Again: Training Managers to Become Engaged Leaders
Put Me In, Coach! Coaching for Engagement
Do This, Not That: Looking at Leadership Best Practices
Chapter 2: Establishing Trust
Surveying Ideas for Building Trust in Business
Defining Trust and Needs in the Workplace
Getting Others to Trust in Your Leadership
Setting Standards for Others by Example
Harnessing People Power
Chapter 3: Motivating the Masses
Peeking into the Human Motivation Theory
Helping People Find Their Meaning and Purpose Again
Practicing and Reinforcing Motivation
Chapter 4: Thriving on the Challenges of Leadership
Thriving Rather Than Surviving
Being a More Mindful Leader
Practicing Mindful Leadership
Coping with Stress and Pressure by Building Resilience
Chapter 5: Leading People, Change, and Strategy
Leading Mindfully When Change Is the Norm
Creating Strategies That Allow the Organization to Flourish
Creating a More Mindful Organization
About the Authors
Connect with Dummies
Index
End User License Agreement
Guide
Cover
Table of Contents
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Introduction
Influence at work isn’t just for CEOs anymore. No matter where you work or what you do, you need influence to get things done and enjoy greater success. Increasing Your Influence at Work All-in-One For Dummies is your guide to developing the skills you need — and using them effectively.
About This Book
People who know how to exert influence in the workplace have more control over their work lives and move up the career ladder faster than others do. But you don’t need to be your company’s head honcho to wield influence; it’s a well-kept secret that anyone can build the influence they need to make a greater impact (and income).
Increasing Your Influence at Work All-in-One For Dummies helps you acquire and cultivate some of the most important attributes needed for influence, such as trustworthiness, reliability, and assertiveness. Here, you get pointers on improving your basic communication skills (both verbal and nonverbal), having critical conversations with co-workers, handling conflicts (even the ones you’re involved in), engaging teams and departments, exerting influence on co-workers of different generations (including Millennials), and strengthening your leadership skills.
A quick note: Sidebars (shaded boxes of text) dig into the details of a given topic, but they aren’t crucial to understanding it. Feel free to read them or skip them. You can pass over the text accompanied by the Technical Stuff icon, too. The text marked with this icon gives some interesting but nonessential information about increasing influence.
One last thing: Within this book, you may note that some web addresses break across two lines of text. If you’re reading this book in print and want to visit one of these web pages, simply key in the web address exactly as it’s noted in the text, pretending as though the line break doesn’t exist. If you’re reading this as an e-book, you’ve got it easy — just click the web address to be taken directly to the web page.
Foolish Assumptions
Here are some assumptions about you, dear reader, and why you’re picking up this book:
You work in the business world and want to gain the attention and cooperation of your co-workers.
You want to gain influence on a team, as a manager, or in meetings so that you can work with others more effectively, become more respected and appreciated, and make your voice more likely to be heard.
You want to engage in a more genuine work environment where people can share concerns and ways to collectively solve problems.
You want to help make important things happen at work and create and cultivate relationships that matter.
Icons Used in This Book
Like all For Dummies books, this book features icons to help you navigate the information. Here’s what they mean.
If you take away anything from this book, it should be the information marked with this icon.
This icon flags information that delves a little deeper than usual into a particular topic.
This icon highlights especially helpful advice about developing and using the skills you need to exert more influence in the workplace.
This icon points out situations and actions to avoid as you strive to increase your influence at work.
Beyond the Book
In addition to the material in the book, this product comes with some access-anywhere goodies that you’ll find online. Check out the free Cheat Sheet at dummies.com. Just search for “Increasing Your Influence at Work All-in-One” Cheat Sheet.
Where to Go from Here
You don’t have to read this book from cover to cover, but if you’re an especially thorough person, feel free to do so! If you just want to find specific information and then get back to work, take a look at the table of contents or the index, and then dive into the chapter or section that interests you.
For example, if you want to strengthen your verbal and nonverbal communication skills, flip to Book 1. If you want to influence co-workers of several different generations, check out Book 4. Or if you want to head straight to the top of your organization, Book 6 on becoming an influential leader is the place to be.
No matter where you start, you’ll find the information you need to more effectively influence peers, managers, and subordinates. Good luck!
Book 1
Body Talk: Influencing through Communication and Body Language
Contents at a Glance
Chapter 1: Building Effective Verbal Communication Techniques
Great Communicators Are Made, Not Born
Verbal Communication: When Words Matter Most
Cooperative Language: Verbal Communication at Its Finest
Chapter 2: Grasping Nonverbal Cues
Noting Nonverbal Techniques that Speak Volumes
Becoming an Expert in Active Listening
Chapter 3: Defining Body Language
Discovering How Body Language Conveys Messages
Examining Key Types of Gestures
Getting the Most Out of Body Language
Appreciating Cultural Differences
Chapter 4: Working with Different Communication Styles
Taking On Direct and Passive Communication Styles
Saying Yes to Assertiveness
Knowing Your Communication Style
Sharpening Your Communication Style
Chapter 5: Influencing through Communication
Understanding the Importance of Effective Communication
Communicating Quicker than the Speed of Conscious Thought
Understanding Why People Say Yes
If You Have the Need to Influence, You Get to Do All the Work
Navigating the Political Landscape
Ethically Influencing and Persuading for Results
It Takes Two to Influence
If You Aren’t Getting the Desired Results, Change Your Communication
Chapter 6: Influencing through Body Language
Creating a Positive Environment
Pointing Your Body in the Right Direction
Negotiating Styles
Chapter 1
Building Effective Verbal Communication Techniques
IN THIS CHAPTER
Communicating clearly and effectively in every situation
Discovering how the smallest words can have a big impact
Turning a confrontational conversation into a cooperative one
In everyday situations, people rely on the familiar back-and-forth of verbal communication. You probably don’t walk down the street in the morning and pause to think about what to say or what to do when a neighbor says hello. Instead, you have a fairly common pattern based on an existing relationship; you smile, say “hi” back, perhaps engage in small talk, and go on with your day. For most of your relationships, this process works fine. During critical work conversations, however, the intent changes the process. For this situation, you need effective and explicit communication techniques to manage the dialogues and to ensure that the results are focused and clear. Building effective communication techniques will catapult the success of a critical conversation.
In this chapter, you get the 4-1-1 on how to communicate clearly and effectively. You discover techniques that help build productivity and improve employee morale with different verbal cues you can use in every conversation, especially the critical ones. Part of this chapter addresses examples of open, authentic, and explicit conversations. Finally, you find out how to turn confrontational language into cooperative discussions that get results.
Great Communicators Are Made, Not Born
Although people have been communicating for most of their lives, critical conversations are different. Critical conversations are deliberate events that are targeted on results. In most cases, the main goal of the critical conversation is to improve working relationships or organizational results. That goal is a lot different from leading a project meeting, sending an email about a status update, or even presenting the company’s results to shareowners.
A leader may be a wonderful speaker who communicates frequently and with transparency. But even the best communicators can get caught up in the message when delivering a critical point.
To understand why communication skills are so critical to a successful conversation, briefly walk through what happens when people engage in dialogue. First, the sender has an idea, translates this idea into words, and sends it. Then the receiver gets the message, applies meaning to the idea, and gives feedback, making the receiver the new sender. Every back-and-forth exchange of words (and even nonverbal cues) continues with this process.
Communication is a transaction in which both parties continuously send and receive messages. Even before the initiator speaks, the receiver is observing nonverbal signals. Verbal communication and nonverbal communication are the building blocks to a successful critical conversation. For more on nonverbal techniques, check out Book 1, Chapter 2.
Now imagine a chain of this communication. Back and forth, each time with the other party interpreting what was or wasn’t said and adding meaning to the information. A message’s meanings can easily become distorted.
Here’s an example to show how the simple act of communicating can turn a bad situation into a horrible one.
Kate:
“Hi, John. Thanks for agreeing to meet with me today. I wanted to talk with you about a concern I have with your behavior in team meetings recently.”
John (getting a bit defensive):
“A concern. What concern?”
Kate:
“Well, it’s hard for me to believe that you did this because I wasn’t in the room, but Kasha came into my office complaining that you have been raising your voice, and —”
John (cutting in):
“How can you give me any feedback when you weren’t in the meeting?”
Kate:
“Sounds like you’re mad. If you’ll let me speak, I can help.”
John promptly rolls his eyes and tunes out the conversation, allowing Kate to speak all she wants.
Right off the bat, Kate sends the message that she has a concern, which may seem like a fair statement. What Kate does wrong is to use words that lead John to believe the problem is entirely on his end (“your behavior”). The situation just gets worse when Kate says “it’s hard for me to believe this.” Perhaps she’s trying to add some humor or use a less accusatory tone, but John interprets this statement as an accusation that his actions are so wrong even his boss can’t imagine they happened. (Find out how tone and other nonverbal cues impact a conversation in Book 1, Chapter 2) Words make a giant difference in how the receiver accepts and agrees on the desired result of the critical conversation.
The good news is that with simple strategies, you won’t fall into Kate’s slip-ups. When you communicate well, participants will be committed to improving their working relationships in the course of improving the business. When you don’t communicate correctly, the other parties will be put on the defensive and refuse to engage in the conversation. You can see how the former option gives you a much better outcome.
Verbal Communication: When Words Matter Most
Effective verbal communication employs a number of simple and not-so-simple tools during different situations. The goal of mastering critical conversation is to know what the tools are, without using an overformulaic “toolkit” approach. Success depends on the relationship the two parties have before the conversation takes place and whether they can understand and respect each other. Being interested in and respectful of others’ points of view through your choice of words will contribute greatly to open communication and cooperation.
According to some communication experts, body language and other nonverbal communication skills account for more than 90 percent of the way an individual receives information from a sender. Book 1, Chapters 2 and 3 dive into all the nonverbal cues and body language that facilitate a successful critical conversation.
Facts, opinions, and gossip
Emotions can get high during a discussion, so write down the feedback you want to give. If an employee is late, write down when she was late. If a customer is abusing your employees during customer service calls, write down the specific examples of when the customer stepped over the lines of professionalism. This prep work isn’t meant to be a witch-hunt! Quite the opposite. Having facts to back up why you’re initiating the conversation helps the receiver know that you care enough to get to the bottom of the problem and that you aren’t just presenting hearsay.
But just having the facts doesn’t guarantee a successful critical conversation. You have to present the facts as facts; this is when words matter most. During a critical conversation, present factual information and avoid the temptation to use opinion or hearsay. These steps leave no room for question and distrust, which could lead to one of the parties closing off the flow of communication.
Although this chapter is far from an English lesson (if you need one, check out English Grammar For Dummies by Geraldine Woods [John Wiley & Sons, Inc.]), here are some clear-cut definitions to help guide you through what to do (and what not to do) during a critical conversation:
Fact:
An action you witnessed. Use facts during critical conversations — they can’t be disputed. Lead with, “When I was in the meeting, you were pacing around the table while everyone else was sitting down.”
Opinion:
A personal judgment. Try to avoid opinions as much as possible during critical conversations, because they leave room for misinterpretation and uncertainty. Although your opinion may be right, you have no proof. Believing that someone left the room during a meeting because he thought the meeting was going nowhere, or that he crossed his arms because he didn’t agree with the group’s opinion, is just that — opinion. Opinions that can wreck a critical conversation include, “The administration believes you lied,” or, “People who are usually so angry often aren’t good workers.”
Gossip:
Anything that comes secondhand or through the rumor mill. Gossip has no place in a critical conversation. Statements like “People have told me that you’re a boozehound in the office,” or “Lots of people have told me you aren’t working that hard,” open the conversation to doubt and mistrust.
Pronouns matter and words create meaning
No one wants to be brought into a conversation and told that she’s doing things wrong or that she’s going against the company. During a critical conversation, limit the words “them” and “they,” and stick to “I” and “we.”
Think of the different reactions these statements generate:
Situation:
A client relationship manager walks into his manager’s office right after losing a key customer account.
Manager (who didn’t read this book):
“Because
you
didn’t get along with our client’s executive team,
you
lost us a giant amount of business.”
Note how this statement immediately pits “you” versus “us.”
Manager (using a revised approach): “I realize there were different perspectives on the right approach with Company ABC, especially during the last project. How can we work together to prevent losing another client, and perhaps even get Company ABC back?”
Here’s another example to demonstrate the nuances of word choice:
Situation:
At an engineering conference, one of the senior engineers partied every night and word got back to her manager.
Manager (not using the right words):
“They shouldn’t be as sensitive when it comes to how other people behave when they aren’t officially in the office, but you really need to watch your behavior when it comes to how you act at conferences.”
Here’s a double-whammy! The recipient is already on the defensive with “they” and “you,” and then is hit again with a conditional verb, “should.”
Here’s a better approach to the conversation from the previous example:
Manager (making good use of verbal skills): “I know that during conferences, it’s important to be social. This has to be balanced with maintaining professional behavior. Can we work together to talk about which activities are better than others?”
Accusations make people defensive. Collaboration makes change possible — and change is the ultimate goal of a critical conversation. During critical conversations, the smallest details, like the use of pronouns, can set a positive tone or create an argumentative or confrontational environment. Using the right inclusive words creates a higher level of commitment to the conversation because all the parties can take part in the discussion instead of being talked to by the other parties.
Talking in corporate speak, buzz words, and jargon — even if all parties are part of the same organization — usually results in glazed eyes or, worse, rolling eyes. A critical conversation isn’t the time to demonstrate how smart or with-it you are; it’s time to get to the point clearly and make sure the message is heard.
Table 1-1 shows a few key words and phrases that may have negative meanings during a critical conversation. You also see how to turn these phrases into positive ones that can help create an open environment for honest discussion.
TABLE 1-1 Poor Word Choices and Better Alternatives
Poor Word Choices
Examples
Why It’s a Poor Choice
Better Alternatives
“You should …” or “You could …”
“You should work harder.”
“You could do things differently.”
The words “should” and “could” may be taken as an order and put the recipient on the defensive. “You should work harder” will derail a conversation faster than the blink of an eye.
“Would you be willing to look at different ways of working?”
“Based on this feedback, can we agree on how to create more positive results?”
“You need to …”
“You need to change your behavior and listen to me.”
Letting someone else know that she needs to do anything may put her on the defensive. Instead of telling someone what she needs to do, focus on talking about why changing is good and focus on the positive.
“Can we look at ways to make a more positive impact with the behavior I mentioned?”
“They” and “them”
“They told me you are a bad presenter.”
“I heard issues with your presentation style from them.”
Using “them” or “they” instead of “us” or “we” can create a competitive environment. Instead, try focusing on what people can achieve together.
“I’d like to share some presentation examples I saw in last week’s meeting.”
“Horrible” and “bad”
“You have a horrible presentation style.”
“Your communication skills are bad.”
Although someone’s behavior may truly be horrible, these negative adjectives tend to create a defensive environment. Instead, try to focus on positive solutions rather than problems. If in doubt, simply drop the negative adjective.
“I want to talk about your presentation style.”
“Are you willing to discuss your communication skills?”
Cooperative Language: Verbal Communication at Its Finest
Although the goal of some communication may be to excite or shock the audience, the intent of critical conversations is to engage and perhaps educate all parties on how to work together more effectively in the future. Cooperative language is the cornerstone of critical conversations.
The polar opposite of cooperative language is confrontational and argumentative language. When a difference of opinion arises, many people want to win while the other person loses. In some situations and cultures, arguing or using rank to influence is seen as a sign of strength. Critical conversation is not one of these times.
Don’t think that critical conversations will never involve a debate about the best possible solution. Parties will have to discuss (and even debate) during a critical conversation; the tone and words of the debate, however, are most productive when they’re cooperative rather than confrontational.
Keeping out confrontational language
When you have a difference of opinion on how to solve a problem or concern, getting caught up in the moment is easy to do. One misinterpretation or difference of opinion can cause someone to lose her cool, causing the conversation to spiral out of control. Just like that, a critical confrontation — rather than a critical conversation — begins.
Confrontational language blocks each party from listening to the other’s interests and needs. The focus becomes protecting or standing your ground rather than finding a common and agreeable ground. Confrontational language is often emotionally charged or even defensive, and lets the other parties in the conversation know that you’re not there to help build relationships and create something better; you’re there to win.
Here’s an example of a critical conversation that starts as a simple misunderstanding between two peers about who was responsible for doing a final review of a proposal document before it went to a customer. Notice how one piece of confrontational language can belly flop an entire conversation.
Erin:
“Julian, I’m not sure if you knew this, but the final proposal that went to the client didn’t include all the answers we had developed. What were you thinking?”
Julian:
“What do you mean, ‘What was I thinking?’ I’ve been at this company 15 years, and in all my life I’ve never seen such a mess. The lawyers changed the meaning of all our responses in the document. It wasn’t my fault. It was their fault. You really need to tone down your attitude and stop accusing me of things.”
Erin:
“Attitude? I don’t care how long you’ve been at this company; if you read the proposal before it went out to the customer, this wouldn’t have happened.”
Julian:
“It isn’t my job to proofread what the lawyers said.”
You can almost feel the negative force escalating in the conversation. Taking a step back, the goal of the conversation is to find out what happened to the document, where the process broke down, and perhaps even solve the problem. All Julian hears was that he was wrong (“What were you thinking?”), and the conversation tumbles downward from the beginning.
Table 1-2 shows you the areas that turn the conversation sour. In this example, you can see two of those confrontational triggers:
Erin thinks she’s right, and she says so by accusing Julian with “What were you thinking?” and “If you read …” Erin goes as far as saying, “I don’t care.” It doesn’t matter what comes next — this language immediately signals Julian to give up or get defensive, neither of which is good for a critical conversation. Giving up is one of several defensive reactions.
Blame starts from the very beginning with Erin saying, “What were you thinking?” which can be interpreted as, “Why did you do this?” This conversation has plenty of blame to go around, and the blame isn’t just between Julian and Erin. By the end of this simple conversation, Julian is fed up and starts sharing the blame. The only solution Erin presents is for Julian to recognize that if he had “read the proposal before it went out to the customer, this wouldn’t have happened.”
TABLE 1-2 Spotting Confrontational Language (and Turning It Around)
Confrontational Triggers
Examples
Why It’s Confrontational
Better Alternatives
One individual or party thinks she’s unconditionally right
“What were you thinking?”
“If you read …”
Because one individual thinks she’s right, that person is unwilling to consider other opinions, ideas, or positions.
“Are you willing to work together and explore other ideas that may work?”
A lot of blame
“What were you thinking?”
Because the individual believes she’s right, the only solution is for the other party to agree. This ultimatum leaves little room for finding a common ground in a solution all parties can agree to work with in the future.
“Let’s focus on the solution. What can we do to avoid the situation from happening again?”
Attacks
“Fine, talk with my supervisor.”
“I don’t care.”
“You’re wrong.”
Confrontational language that’s emotionally charged puts people on the defensive and shuts down collaboration, period.
“I want to resolve the issue, but if you do want to talk with my supervisor, I can help you do that.”
“I may not agree with your actions, but let’s talk about how we can create a positive solution.”
Absolutes (“always” and “never”)
“We always do it this way.”
“You never show up to work.”
Saying something always happens or never happens leaves no room for discussion or interpretation. It is better to state a fact in place of absolutes.
“That’s different from how I usually solve this concern.”
“Based on this week’s time report, I noticed that you didn’t come into work all week.”
Confrontational language can also give the impression that a party’s only choice is to fight back, just like Julian starts doing as soon as Erin asks what he was thinking. The principles of physics can be applied to the principles of conversation: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. If one person tells another person that he’s wrong, the second individual has a choice to either combat one negative with another negative, or to react in an equal but more positive way.
In the previous example, Erin and Julian are going back and forth with negative force in the conversation. The conversation goes in a completely different (and better) direction when Erin starts the discussion like this:
Erin:
“Hi, Julian. We just sent out that proposal to the client, and the final version wasn’t the same version we created last week. Can we sit down and find out how we can correct it?”
Julian:
“Yes. Let’s sit down and find out how we can fix it.”
Erin may also choose to use an “I” statement, like “The proposal just went to the client, and after it was sent, I noticed it wasn’t the same version we created last week. Can we sit down and find out how we can correct it?”
Unless Julian saw Erin rewrite the proposal and press send, blaming her for the error is not only premature, but also does nothing to correct the situation now or in the future. In almost all critical conversations, what’s done is done — the parties can’t go back in history to redo the events. Create an open and honest environment to help direct the future rather than try to find out who should be blamed.
The good news is that even if one individual begins to use confrontational language, the other individual can respond in an equal but more positive manner. The next section shows how to turn confrontational language into accommodating words that get results.
Turning confrontational words into accommodating words
The goal of critical conversation isn’t to win, but to approach a problem as a collaborative effort and seek solutions that are beneficial to all parties involved. Whether you’re kicking off the critical conversation or on the receiving end of a potentially confrontational situation, moving from argument to collaboration will create more positive results.
With a little practice, almost any confrontational situation can be flipped into a collaborative and accommodating discussion. The following sections give you some ways to turn confrontational words into more accommodating ones.
Tip #1: Focus on the process and the future, not the person and the past
One pointer for having a collaborative discussion is to focus on the process and the future rather than the person and the past. Here’s an example:
Argumentative:
“I never received any emails. You must have made a mistake.”
Accommodating:
“I don’t remember receiving the email. If you like, I would be happy to look into the process together and find out what happened and how we can fix it.”
What changed and why: In one sentence, you can see three big changes. First, “you made a mistake” turns into presenting an opportunity to work together. Second, instead of accusing a person, the focus of the meeting is on the process and how it can be fixed. Third, rather than accusing the other party of doing anything wrong, the accommodating sentence focuses on the future and how to prevent the problem from happening again.
Tip #2: Lead with fact and options
Starting with facts can get a conversation off on the right foot (see the earlier section “Facts, opinions, and gossip” for more information). Here’s an example:
Argumentative:
“You have to change your behavior.”
Accommodating:
“Emotions were high last week in the office. I noticed that the yelling in the office made team members withdraw and stop sharing their ideas on the customer meeting.”
What changed and why: Keep in mind that no one needs to do anything during a critical conversation, so telling someone that she has to change anything, especially her behavior, could easily be met with hostility. Instead, state the facts and their impact from an objective point of view. It can also be helpful to turn possibly harsh statements into questions. Genuine questions help gather more information and open a dialogue, which is perfect for a critical conversation.
When using questions to turn possibly hostile conversations into cooperative ones, be careful not to start the Spanish Inquisition. Come to the conversation with a genuine desire to make things better, not to sarcastically or critically accuse someone. A comment isn’t necessarily cooperative just because you add a question mark to the end.
Tip #3: Things are always possible, even if they aren’t probable
Avoid absolutes to encourage an accommodating conversation. Here’s an example:
Argumentative:
“That’s just not possible.”
Accommodating:
“That’s different from how we usually solve problems. Are you willing to look at other alternative solutions?”
What changed and why: Using the words “never” or “not possible” immediately closes the discussion and limits the number of solutions that are possible.
Using five key phrases that get results
No one has a magic wand to make all critical conversations go perfectly, but you can draw on key phases to get the discussion going in the right direction and redirect the discussion if it gets off track.
Using the five key phrases in the following sections when they’re appropriate lets the other parties know you want to help make the situation better. Although all these phrases (and all the tactics in this chapter) need to come from a genuine desire to help, using them signals to the other parties that you want to create a critical dialogue to solve the issue instead of giving a one-way lecture on what needs to change.
Why don’t we work together to solve …
In the heat of a debate or emotional discussion, having at least one common goal helps the conversation move forward. “Why don’t we work together on …” gives the other individual an opportunity to have some control in the discussion. She can control whether or not she’s there, and she can have a voice in the conversation. This phrase is also helpful to go back to as common ground if the conversation gets off track. For example, you may say, “It seems like we may have gotten off track. In the beginning of the conversation we agreed to work together to solve the problem. Can we keep doing that?”
It’s difficult to …
When providing critical information during a conversation that may not be well received, you’ll probably feel stressed. Opening up can help set a genuine tone that you’re there to help. This openness can neutralize confrontational individuals so you can move toward talking about the real issues. As the initiator of the conversation, you may begin with, “It’s difficult to deliver bad news to a great employee, and this situation is no different.”
Don’t use this phrase if you don’t genuinely feel the situation is hard. For example, if your job is to fire people, saying “It’s hard to fire you” could be seen as insincere. If it’s true, you can say, “I’m in a position to deliver tough news more often than others, but that doesn’t make the situation any easier. I can understand how you may be feeling.”
The receiver of the information may also use this tactic. “It’s hard to hear this information. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed with the information you provided. Do you mind if we walk through that example again?”
Were you aware …
Asking another individual whether she was aware of behavior, rules, or policies is one of the most underutilized tools during a critical conversation — and in communication in general. At times, information may just go unnoticed. A person may really not be aware of the impact a behavior has on the team. A customer may not be aware of a policy. “Awareness” is a safe word that helps the other party to save face, and it provides a great opportunity to give critical information or education.
A critical conversation should open the doors of communication and create an honest environment for discussion. If one individual feels that she lost the discussion and the other person won, or if any party feels embarrassed, the safe environment of conversation can quickly deteriorate.
Don’t phrase this statement as “Did you know …” Meeting space tends to be ego space, and asking “Did you know …” can be interpreted as the other individual not having the intelligence or ability.
That is different from …
Saying “That is different from the way other situations have been solved” is a great and positive alternative to saying that something will never happen or isn’t possible. Using the phrase “that is different” doesn’t accuse or blame; it simply states a fact. Suppose a customer is complaining on the phone and demanding more than a customer has received in the past. Rather than saying that what the customer wants is impossible, simply say, “That is different from the way we usually work through problems.” The information the customer gave has been acknowledged, and the customer service representative has refocused the conversation on the solution. Maybe you have a magic wand for making critical conversation productive after all!
If someone is outright lying about a situation, make sure you focus on the ethical issue at hand. Chapter 4 in Book 2 covers dealing with ethical issues in more detail and addresses how a mediator may help in tricky situations.
How might [problems] be solved?
Keeping the conversation focused on the future keeps the discussion positive. This phrase is especially useful when a conversation is focusing on excuses or things that have happened in the past that can’t be changed. Although looking at facts is important for making critical conversations successful, the goal of a critical conversation is to change behavior — not just to present information. This phrase also takes the burden off the initiator of the conversation. One person doesn’t need to have all the solutions to every problem, so asking for other alternatives is a good way to get buy-in and agreement on what will happen after the conversation ends.
Chapter 2
Grasping Nonverbal Cues
IN THIS CHAPTER
Identifying nonverbal cues that help deliver critical messages
Actively listening to move a conversation forward
Nonverbal cues during conversations include everything from body language to the use of space, and from moments of silence to eye contact. Nonverbal cues can be defined as broadly as almost anything that’s not verbally communicated, and they can be interpreted in just as many ways.
This chapter introduces nonverbal techniques that speak volumes during a critical work conversation. It then walks you through the process of active listening and gives you examples to make sure you can really hear the concerns in the room. This chapter gives many examples of how to become more aware of the way nonverbal cues are perceived and how they can help (or hinder!) a critical conversation. (For even more information devoted specifically to body language, check out Book 1, Chapter 3.)
Noting Nonverbal Techniques that Speak Volumes
Nonverbal techniques in communication encompass everything from how you sit or stand, your facial expressions, eye contact, nerves and stress, dress and appearance, and even voice quality. Nonverbal cues often reflect emotions and may be unconscious and unintentional. For example, blushing often means embarrassment, and clearing the throat or a cracking voice can mean nervousness. Even the most positive critical conversation needs the right unspoken communication methods to make sure the message is delivered appropriately and understood.
The following is an example that uses just a few of the nonverbal elements that can influence a conversation:
Sally is moving an employee into a new position after the employee did not get a promotion. If you were the employee, which conversation, noted in
Table 2-1
, would make you more likely to want to accept the offer?
Even though the words are exactly the same in conversations one and two, you may think that the Sally in conversation one is just too busy to care about an employee and simply wants to fill a role in the organization. Conversation two, on the other hand, has more sincere nonverbal cues and genuine interest. In conversation two, it seems like Sally really cares about the conversation — the key ingredient of critical conversations! What you don’t say is just as important as what you do.
TABLE 2-1 Considering Nonverbal Elements in Conversation
Conversation Element
Conversation One
Conversation Two
What is said
“Jim, I know you’ve wanted the manager position. I have another opportunity I would like you to consider …”
“Jim, I know you’ve wanted the manager position. I have another opportunity I would like you to consider …”
Body language
Sally’s arms and legs are crossed, or her hands are tightly clasped.
Sally is sitting at a round table, both feet on the ground, shoulders relaxed.
Eye contact
Sally switches from looking at Jim to looking at her phone every five to ten seconds.
Sally is leaning in slightly, looking at Jim as he talks.
Dress and appearance
Sally just got back from the gym over lunch hour and is running late.
Sally is poised and dressed in work clothes.
Expressions that count
A key to unlocking the nonverbal cues treasure chest is to be mindful of how you’re expressing your message. Pay attention to facial expressions, the way you display nerves and stress, and voice quality. The upcoming sections help you master these nonverbal languages. Table 2-2 is a handy guide on effective nonverbal expressions during a critical conversation.
TABLE 2-2 Comparing Effective and Ineffective Nonverbal Expressions
Nonverbal Expression
Supportive and Positive
Unsupportive and Negative
Body language (lower body)
Feet on ground, ankles crossed slightly
Legs crossed
Body language (upper body)
Sitting up straight, relaxed shoulders, arms on the table — ideally at waist height
Slouched shoulders, hands in front of mouth, leaning against a wall, waving arms around, pointing fingers
Eye contact
Looking at the other individual or individuals as they talk; concentrating on their voice, movement, and eyes
Staring at the other individuals or never looking at their eyes during the conversation
Dress and appearance
Dressing appropriately; holding the conversation in a clutter-free zone
Rushing from one meeting to the next; papers everywhere; being flustered; food on face or clothes (this really does happen!); wearing outdoor gear when you’re inside (rain jacket, wool coat, hat, gloves)
Facial expressions
Smiling appropriately
Raising eyebrows, smirking, grimacing, resting or putting your head in your hands
Voice quality
Steady and clear, may be a bit slower than your usual conversation speed but not exaggeratedly slow
High, fast, too soft, too slow; using um, ah, you know, and like
Nerves and stress
Taking a deep breath and being aware of sudden changes in body language or nervous habits
Tightly crossing hands; toes/hands tapping; legs shaking; pacing the room; spinning pens or pencils between your fingers; jingling loose change in your pocket; vocal sighs, hmmms, and throat-clearing
Most of the body language techniques in Table 2-2 are common in some Western cultures, but be careful not to make assumptions about the meaning of nonverbal cues in all geographic or organizational cultures. Nodding a head in one culture may mean agreement, while in another culture it may simply mean that you’re being heard. Cross-Cultural Selling For Dummies, by Michael Soon Lee, Ralph R. Roberts, and Joe Kraynak (John Wiley & Sons, Inc.), can help with ideas on how to adapt your message and get a crash course in building multicultural rapport.
With so many expressions to be attentive of, becoming overwhelmed is easy to do. But nonverbal expressions don’t need to be overwhelming if you find ways to become aware of them. Improving nonverbal techniques takes practice. Try this exercise during a non–critical conversation, such as a relaxed talk with a colleague. Notice how you sit; what you do with your hands, arms, and legs; how you physically change when the other person is talking; and how often you look away to check what’s outside the window or who’s texting you on the phone. Although few communicators are ever perfect at all these expressions, little changes can make a big difference during a conversation.
Bring a light jacket or sweater to a critical conversation! No, your mother isn’t writing this book. But crossing your arms can signal a number of reactions: being uninterested in the conversation, disdain for the topic or person, or anxiousness. Crossed arms can also just mean that you’re trying to stay warm in an air-conditioned meeting room. Be sure not to cross signals, and if you happen to get cold quickly, keep a light jacket or sweater on hand. Sounds simple and perhaps silly, but it will be one less thing you need to be aware of during a conversation — and that’s significant.
IMITATION IS THE BEST FORM OF FLATTERY
A good way to increase the comfort level of the other party is to focus on your own nonverbal cues when you’re listening to and delivering a message. People not only listen to you during a critical conversation, but also watch you and can even start mirroring your behavior. If you have your hands relaxed on the desk and are listening intently, the other individual may begin to do the same thing. This imitation often is unconscious, so try not to force the issue by overemphasizing the behavior you want the other individual to imitate. For example, if you want the other person to slow down the pace, slow down your own pace slightly, but don’t go into extreme slow motion. If you do, the other person may focus on the pace of the conversation rather than the conversation itself. As with all nonverbal techniques, moderation is the key.
Mirroring positive nonverbal communication from the other party can also relax everyone in the conversation. For example, if the other party is gently leaning toward you (often a sign of interest), you may want to lean your head toward the other party as well. If you see the other party backing away, you may tone down your own arm or body movements and perhaps even take a step back to show respect for the other individual’s desire for space.
Keep your body relaxed, but don’t be a slouch
Think back to your primary school teacher and sit straight and confident, but don’t be tense. Crossing your arms can give the impression that you’re guarding some piece of information. Remain open to giving and receiving information during the conversation by sitting straight, either with both feet on the floor or your ankles crossed, and keeping your arms open and shoulders down.
Maintain appropriate eye contact
Being in a deadlock stare with another individual during a conversation can be intimidating or downright creepy. Look at the other person’s eyes and mouth throughout the conversation, but move your eyes every three to five seconds to avoid making the conversation feel like a police investigation rather than a critical conversation. Sometimes gently nodding helps to maintain the appropriate level of eye contact as well — but be sure to keep it in moderation. Nodding is good; being a bobble-head doll is annoying.
