Lingering Glow E-Book

Jie Wu

• Herausgeber: Great Wall Publishing
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2023

Beschreibung

It’s a self-salvation story about several young people who were victims of abusive or problematic families. Prince grew up in a family which only paid attention to the only boy of the family; Jade Zhen’s father was in prison due to unintentional homicide; Singer Wu gave up his dream due to his father was in a vegetative status after a traffic accident; Author Forbearance was abused like an orphan after his father died in an accident and his mother remarried; Reverence Liu grew up in single parent family. Loneliness and indifference had been engraved in their memories. After their grow-ups, they decided to fight against their broken hearts and the secular stereotypes of the society, persisted to look for the lingering glow of love. In the process they faltered forward without giving up their hopes and fights. They acted just like a bobbing leaf in a river, till they bumped with each other. They began to have a new life after salvation in the process of loving and being loved, leaving their sad or painful past behind, and getting ...

Leseprobe

This is a work of fiction. Similarities to real people, places, or events are entirely coincidental.

Lingering Glow

First edition. May 6, 2023.

Copyright © 2023 Bin Liu, Jirong Liu.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

For permission requests, write to : [email protected]

ISBN: 978-3757925062

Written by Wu Jie.

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Table of Contents

Lingering Glow

By   Wu  Jie

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About the Author

Lingering Glow

A path to self-salvation of a victim of abusive family

By   Wu  Jie

Translated by Bin Liu  Jirong Liu from Chinese

Preface

At the beginning of 2021, in a cold and windy morning, she suddenly cried.

I: What's wrong?

She: I wrote the death of Forbearance.

I: Which Forbearance.

She: The Forbearance in Lingering Glow.

I suddenly remembered a story. One of friends of Gustave Flaubert saw he was sobbing, thought something huge might happen, hurriedly asked what's wrong, he said: Madame Bovary is dead. The friend said: As you don't want her to die, then you just let her live. Gustave Flaubert couldn't help but say: She has to die by the logic of life, I have no other option!

A writer couldn't control the fate of his characters, they have their own destinies.

To me, Wu Jie is a friend. It is a wonderful process to get to know each other. We meet here or there, meet and part in various times. The fate has already waited us  and given us surprises in the process.

One day she said the words ＂lingering glow＂ were flashing in her mind, the words might be used as a name for her next book. When she spoke such thing, her eyes were gentle and shining. At that time, she didn't know what kind of story would be waiting for her to write.

Then she began to write Lingering Glow in snowy winter of Xian. The main character was called Prince. She was pessimistic, lonely, just like a lonely wolf roamed around in  snowy wild world. Isn't the loneliness of Prince a reflection of the mass?  In this resplendent epoch, with clinking of cups, are you really happy or just pretending to be happy thus to merge with the mass get a pass for the happiness likes other have?

The miserable experience of Prince in her childhood was just like a wild beast with bloody mouth, which would wait for every chance to gulp her down at each crossroad. In the novel, she had loved three people, warm and simple ForReverence Wu, melancholy and estranged WideKnowledge Wen, and practical and reliable Reverence Liu. The perfect would meet the perfect, that is the fantasy of the soap opera. The imperfect would meet the imperfect, that is the real life of the ordinary.

Many people would casually cover the ugly and the dirty with thick snow, but Wu Jie would expose the ugly and the dirty without any restraints. The characters were without perfect original family, they were trying, growing, and wanted to swim across billowy ocean to salvage themselves. Some reached the beach after the danger, some were drowned in the process. The thunderstorms would soon douse their just germinating and rising hopes. She wrote in the novel: It needs no courage to die but live. The difficult is to continue to live rather than escape, only warrior holds such an idea.

I see shadow of Wu Jie in many characters, probably in Prince, probably in WideKnowledge Wen, more probably in Jade Zhen. She is passionate, emotional, kind, and genuine. To her, each character isn't just a character in a piece of paper, their fates are closely related to her. She would laugh for them, cry for them with deep commiseration.

She appears careless, but hides with sensitive, soft and careful heart. She has considerable insight and even more understands entanglement of fate. She often stands at crossroad to watch the bustling prosperity and drama of life, guesses the fate of every passer-by. She would keep the optimal distance between her and the world to pore over the life.

Maybe the one who is smiling to you on your way is the one hiding a miserable and painful experience, or the one carrying a huge mountain-like burden with all his efforts. Life is not that easy, some billowy waves are hiding within the mild appearance.

Pain and sorrow are not the excuse for us to evade the mundane life, we have to face the waves, get rid of the superficial and ugly skin to get sweet and succulent fruit like a cantaloup.

True love, friendship, betrayal, parting, birth, death, metamorphosis, fate, salvation, this novel will expose the hidden secrets of people with tiny and tiny incisions.

In the pitch-black night, she takes out a box of match carefully from her pocket, strikes a match lightly, holds the lighted match steadfastly to pierce the darkness. This is the significance of Lingering Glow. It is the brightness and warmth of the novel which shines the dark corners.

Everyone who is reading the novel is holding the lighted match to shine his place. With many tiny lighted matches, there will be sparkling all over places. Even for the tiniest light, there is still a reason for shining.  The weakest warmth might still hold the significance of getting rid of coldness.

When one opens Lingering Glow, the frost and coldness would disappear, the warmth would definitely show up.

Friend: PeiPei Du

September 30, 2021 at ChongQing

1

＂Why people want to get married?＂ asked Jade Zhen who was sitting across me and looking at the outside of the window blankly.

How could she ask me such a kind of question? If I knew the answer, how I could  have such a kind of living now. But I thought I should say something.

＂Maybe one thinks one couldn't live by oneself.＂

＂Then in fact?＂ continued she, which made me feel sick at heart. Anyway my life was much more painful than hers.

＂In fact, to marry or not is just an option. What we want couldn't be acquired through marriage only.'

Jade Zhen turned her eyes back from the outside of the window, looked at me and said in a low voice: ＂Prince, I plan to get a divorce, I am really tired.＂

＂Divorce, have you really made up your mind? So long as you think it over, it might be one nice option.＂

She looked at me, smiled:＂Prince, I thought you might persuade me not to do so.＂

Jade Zhen stretched and put her hand on mine, said tenderly: ＂It's nice to have you.＂

At the moment, a waitress passed with a cup of coffee who looked at us with a weird expression. Jade Zhen wore a genuine smile like a little girl, I knew she would get free very soon. In fact, I knew the deep sorrow and pain hiding behind the smile. Then how about myself, what should I do? I didn't know, as I just got married with Reverence Liu in less than one year.

Jade Zhen asked: ＂Prince, do you love Reverence Liu?＂

I said with a smile:＂Why do you ask such a mundane question?＂

＂Then how about you, do you still love Handsome Jia?＂

Then we both laughed, it seemed that it was ridiculous for women over thirty to talk about love.

Since then, I didn't see Jade Zhen for two weeks, when I got her message again, she said: ＂Prince, I get divorced. It is at the same date we got marriage certificate three years ago; we get divorce certificate today.＂

I said: ＂Look at you, you are still so ceremonial.＂

＂Prince, damn, I get divorced, you don't  console but make fun of me.＂

＂Congratulation for your divorce.＂

＂You are really a bitch, how could I have a friend like you.＂

＂How about to have a drink to celebrate?＂

＂Thanks. My mother still couldn't accept the fact of my divorce. She is too sentimental. I have to visit my hometown to cope with such kind of things. I will contact you once I get back.＂

We didn't meet again for a long time since Jade Zhen got divorced, and went back to her hometown. She would occasionally make a call, but would hang up after several sentences. I didn't know she was experiencing tremendous pain and sorrow. I couldn't remember where I read the sentence that the feelings of mankind were not the same, just like I thought that once one got divorced, one would be free totally. But the memory of close relationship and the daily activities would not automatically disappear after the divorce. The fervent love which made one willingly risk everything had really existed. Divorce is like to cut out of an important organ, one has to endure the sharp and slow pain. I only couldn't understand that at the moment.

The winter really arrived, the wind seemed to cut through one's face like a knife, the leaves of the trees along street had completely fallen off. The sky was greyish, none knew for how long the sun hadn't shown up.

My name was Prince, it's not my stage name, but real name.

But I didn't live a life like a Prince which would draw all attention of the mass. It seemed that whether I existed really didn't matter from when I was little till now. No matter where I went, except my name, I didn't leave any impression to other people.

My family members usually said: ＂It would be nice if you were a boy.＂ When such words were repeated for many times, I began to hate my identity as a woman. From ten years old on, I kept my hair short, wore boy's clothes, imitated the styles of talk and walk of boy, and played with boy. Occasionally when I looked at myself in mirror, I thought I became a real man.

But my changes didn't change the attitude of my family members. I was still a nobody, that whether I existed really meant nothing. When they scolded me, they would add one more sentence:＂ You didn't have any similarity to a girl.＂

When I gradually grew up, I came to realize that no matter how I changed, it really didn't matter to them. When I realized the problem, I became sad for a long time.  When one became sad for a long time, one would become numb to the problem.

My hair gradually grew long, I never cut it short, and let it grow as it liked. Only when it was too long to hinder my action, I would enter a barber shop. At that time, the length of my hair was over my knees. When I walked along street, my hair would swing back and forth. Sometimes when I went in street, many people would stare at me, like they stared a monster, then later when I was in school, my classmates would say:＂You are the girl with long braid, I have a deep impression about you.＂  As for all these, it really didn't matter to my parents.

After I cut off my long hairs, for many years since I kept my hairs bob cut. No matter whether long or short, I still couldn't change the reality that I was just a nobody. Therefore I gave up my struggle, and began to accept to be mundane by myself. Bob cut was not a weird hairstyle, it was just a common one like me. I became a complete nobody.

At that time, I often thought: Why I live? As I thought it over for sometime, I thought the question was too deep and unfathomable for common people like me, thus I gave up the question. Then I began to study how one could have a good life. The study had made me become more happy as I learned to go shopping by myself, see a movie by myself, go to work by myself, have a holiday by myself. The most important thing was that I learned to do nothing but stay blankly in a place for several hours or even a whole day to let the time while away.

At that time I refused to admit that I was lonely, and thought it was shameful to feel lonely. I always thought my life was excellent and wonderful till Jade Zhen burst into my life.

She acted like a crazy, I remembered she came forward and sat across me, said:＂Girl, it appears that you are so lonely?＂

I raised my head to look at the girl sitting across me, she smiled like a beautiful flower, she was beautiful: a pair of eyes slightly slanting upward, a high-bridged nose, an oval face. She could be described as extremely beautiful except that her mouth was not only big but also with thin lips. When she was not smiling, her elegant indifference and gorgeous look made me as a woman want to love her. But she really liked to smile, with smile the elegant indifference would completely vanish, she became a unscrupulously crazy woman, even a lovely woman.

Someone suddenly burst into my world, said inexplicable words, which made me feel a bit flustered. What made me feel really bad was that she said I was lonely, was I lonely? Never. I looked at her sly eyes:＂Nonsense, only you are lonely.＂

She laughed, and laughed heartily in front of me, then said:＂I have never seen a lovable girl like you.＂ Then she became a friend of mine, and would stick to me like a plaster. Quite a while later she told me that she was as lonely as me.

Sometimes, I thought as a human we need a friend or a spouse not out of love but from instinct of the gregariousness of animals, we think we could get what we want from other people.

With such thought, I suddenly pardoned my parents for their neglect to me. Because their hope was not on me but my younger brother. Thus it was pardonable for such kind of behavior.

Jade Zhen said:＂Prince, I always think you should be a writer as every sentence coming from you is like from a philosopher.＂

＂How I could  be a writer, nonsense.＂ answered I  in same fashion. She would come forward and touch my head, said:＂Prince, you need not to be so pessimistic. Everyone should have a dream.＂

What was a dream? I didn't know. What I thought was to have a mundane life like now.

But I came across him. Since I met him, I was spellbound. I didn't know why whether I was in wake or sleep, he was everywhere. Jade Zhen told me, that was love, I had fallen in love, and should go to tell him.

That was the first time I tasted the feeling of falling in love, or maybe second time, as I loved Jade Zhen too. But Jade Zhen said they were different.

Then later I came to realize they were really different, one was friendship, one was love.

Jade Zhen told me there was still another kind of love called family affection; nevertheless, I didn't have that one, even now I didn't taste the feeling of family affection.

2

I fell in love with a man. That was really weird. I couldn't help but think about him all the time.

When I thought about him, I felt warm in my heart. This might be love! But I didn't want to tell him. I understood that I was just a very common girl, he might not like me. Thus my first love was just my solo dance.

I looked at him, missed him, and kept a distance with him at the same time. Jade Zhen scolded me that I was too timid, which might lead my love to slip away from me. But she was not me, how could she understand the pain and sorrow of an ordinary girl? But I never told her for such a kind of thing, just said:＂I have not yet prepared to have a love relationship, further won't you think it is beautiful to love a man in so secret a fashion?＂

She looked at me like she was watching a weirdo, then said:＂I really don't understand why you are different in comparison with ordinary people in your brain structure?＂ She was always in such fashion. No matter how big or small the thing, she would make a fuss. She always said I was unique.

This was first time for someone who praised me, and also first time for me to have a friend. I even didn't know how to be together with her. For most of time, she was speaking, and I was listening. Even in such a way, she still thought I was the best person in the world.

Only it was because this, I came to accept the fact I had a friend. My life became bustling and boisterous: When my office hour was over, I would not walk in street, see a movie and eat by myself. As soon as my office hour was over, I would get her call, and in a short while, she would show up.

She knew well how to dress, thus she was a focus no matter where she would go, and I was still a transparent person. Nevertheless I was really happy with her, she took me to do something which I would never dare to do by myself. She became more and more important in my heart, and I began to worry: If one day she leaves me, then what should I do? Could I still adapt to having a life by myself?

She said:＂Just relax, I will accompany you forever.＂ When she said such words, she was serious, thus I believed that she was thinking really in that way at the moment.

There was nothing happened between me and the boy I liked, even he didn't know there was someone who loved him in secret in this world.

He and I worked in same hospital as an intern. I still remembered when we first met, he stood at the side of me:＂ My name is ForReverence Wu, how about you? What's your name?＂

I said:＂Prince.＂

He looked at me blankly, continued:＂Real name?＂

＂Real name is Prince.＂

＂It's a really funny name.＂ He smiled at me, the smile was like sunshine which lighted my heart.

From that time on, I began lose control of my heart, my look would always follow him. Occasionally our eyes would meet, he would smile to me. The smile was so gentle, which would overshadow everything around me. In fact I knew he was not only gentle to me, he would be gentle to every girl he met. Even thus so, I still couldn't prevent myself to love him, miss him and look at him. I enjoyed full happiness and pain in the process of my secret love.

I began to lose control of my temper. In case I couldn't see him in one day, it would drive me to distractions. Even I would lose my spirit when I played with Jade Zhen. Jade Zhen said:＂ Why do you torture yourself in such a way, isn't okay that you just tell him yourself?＂

＂Not okay. I am not a match to him.＂

Jade Zhen just slapped on my head, said:＂I just want to strike you to death, how couldn't you be no match to him? You are not only gentle, kind, but also considerate, lovely. You could match anyone!＂

＂Jade, I am fine in this way. You needn't worry about me.＂

She looked at me, but couldn't help but sigh, then pull me to a bar.  She said: ＂When  one feels sad, it is good to drink some wine, which  would make you forget everything.＂

That was the first time I met Singer Wu, he had a long hair with a moustache, his one eye was covered by his hair, he looked at us with his other eye with a smile, he wore hip hop clothing. At first appearance, he wasn't anyway like a good guy.

Jade Zhen pointed Singer Wu and told me:＂Prince, this is my man.＂

Singer Wu nodded at me, said:＂You are Prince? My Princess always talks about you, which makes me feel very sad. Really you are a girl.＂

Singer Wu was witty and humorous, good at enlivening atmosphere, and caring other people. I knew Jade Zhen had a boyfriend, but I never met him. I felt very comfortable when I was with  them. They also paid particular attention to me. When I saw they were happy and merry, I didn't know why I felt happy too.

Maybe after one was alone for a long time, one was thirsty to have such simple and pure happiness; or maybe when I was together with them, I realized that I was not alone in this world, and I still had some tiny relationship in the world, and had the deep feeling that I was alive. This was too important for me.

The bar was boisterous with flashing lights and bustling people, which made my quiet life become lively too.Singer Wu stood at the stage, sang love song with his coarse and deep voice, which made one feel enchanted, and my eyes were full with tears. I suddenly missed ForReverence Wu very much, the boy I loved in secret, I didn't know whether he was able to sing too. If I really went to tell him that I love him, would he accept my love? Could we be happy as Jade Zhen and Singer Wu?

The sudden idea which caused great pain and sorrow was welling out of my heart, a drop of tear fell into my cup, and I gulped down all wine in the cup, which choked me to cough, and tears were rushing out my eyes. Jade Zhen heard my cough, came to pat my back while saying:＂You silly girl, liquor couldn't be drank in such a way.＂

When Singer Wu saw my look, he couldn't help but laugh, said:＂Little Prince, is this the first time for you to have a drink?＂

I nodded my head, he poured a cup, raised the cup, and said:＂You could only sip, how could you drink in gulp!＂

With their good care, my pain left me, all my sorrows disappeared like the empty bottle one after another. My brain became empty and dizzy, I couldn't remember anything. I heard Jade Zhen told Singer Wu:＂She is drunk.＂

When I woke up in the morning, I slept in my big bed, Jade Zhen was standing at the side of the bed, said jokingly:＂ God of Wine, you woke up?＂ I couldn't remember anything happened late in last night. My headache was very severe. As I thought I had to go to hospital in the afternoon, I hurried to get up from the bed.

That was my first time to drink. From that time on, I became addicted to drink, addicted to the short dizziness and emptiness after drink. Maybe due to the stimulus by Jade Zhen and Singer Wu, I decided to tell ForReverence Wu. When Jade Zhen heard the news, she was surprised to jump up, pull my hand, said:＂A blockhead becomes smart again.＂

I asked Jade Zhen to make a mild make-up for me, went to barber shop to do my hairs, changed to a princess style dress which I never wore before for the purpose, and went to hospital. On the way I practised in my heart what I would say to him when I see him, and my hands were covered with sweats.

The closer to the hospital, the faster the heart jumped. I saw him when I was near the gate of the hospital. He got off from the bus, just as I tried to figure out a way to speak to him, another girl got off the bus.

The girl stretched her arm into his, they were talking and laughing. They were very intimate. I stood faraway like a voyeur. ForReverence Wu kissed the girl on her cheek, hugged her, then parted unwillingly. He looked very happy, even he walked as lightly as wind.

I really should have known that he liked that kind of girl but my kind. I forgot how I went back to my home, that was the only day I asked for a leave since I worked in the hospital, and was my only leave so far.  It was painful for me to know ForReverence Wu had a girlfriend, but the pain didn't last long, then I felt quite relaxed.

Just like my parents never loved me when I was young, it was nothing for me. I had to admit that I was a transparent person, and I was a person which was dispensable in this world. I became somber at once, how I could forget such a kind of thing, it was really ridiculous to get what which never belonged to me in the world.

Jade Zhen was continually asking the result of my express. I said:＂He refused me.＂

When she heard this, she began to make fuss again, cursed ForReverence Wu for whole one hour, how he was blind, what was a pity for him, he would be single for his whole life....There were so many words which made me can’t help but admire her. I really didn't know there were so many words which could be used to curse someone.

When I became somber, my life returned to normal. I couldn't stop loving him, but I would never expect anything would come from it, and I never mentioned ForRevence Wu to Jade Zhen again. When Jade Zhen asked me, I would just tell her that he was dead in my heart. She seemed to be satisfied with my answer, and swore to introduce a better man to me.

I didn't know why she kept to stay in my side, as for people like me I had nothing, had no money, had no power, and was boring and dull. But she never gave me up. In fact for some moment I really admired her, was even a bit jealous of her, she owned everything I had never owned.

One day, she asked:＂ If my dad were a murderer, would you still be my friend?＂ It made me feel pain in my heart when I saw her sad and tragic eyes.

＂So what, you are still the same.＂ I hugged her.

She said happily:＂I know you are different from the others.＂

I began to understand why she kept to stay at my side, why she was always dependent upon me. In essence, we were the same kind of lonely people. The only difference was that we faced the loneliness with different ways.

3

I never expected for a girl like Jade Zhen had that kind of experience.

I rarely saw she was angry or with other emotion. She was always full of passion for life, had a lot of friends around her, and had an easy and free life. Even when she told me about her painful and sorrowful life in her abyss of darkness, it seemed she was talking someone's life in a calm and insipid way.

Maybe everyone was not easy to live, and everyone had one's own secret.

When Jade Zhen was eight years old, her father was sent to prison due to crime of involuntary manslaughter. She carried the identity of the daughter of a murderer for many years, till she went to university and left her hometown, thus she could have a quiet and calm life.

She said:＂My mother is beautiful, I never have seen anyone more beautiful than her. Maybe sometimes beauty is a kind of original sin.＂

Her parents fell into love for each other, thus she was living in a love environment since she came to the world. Her father would carry her on his neck to playground, she would go to sleep while her mother told her bed-time story. She lived like a princess till the thing happened.

In the day, she was sent to her grandparents' house. When she came back, everyone would shout at her that she was a daughter of a murderer. She asked her mother bewilderingly what's wrong.

Her mother said: ＂You only have to remember that your father is the best man in the world.＂

Jade Zhen asked bewilderingly: ＂Why they call him a murderer?＂

Her mother said:＂ You will understand the thing when you grow up. But you have to remember no matter what other people would say, your father is the best father in the world.＂

Jade Zhen didn't know what really happened in the day. But she only knew that from that day on her father didn't appear in her life for a long and long time.

The young Jade Zhen cried for her father, her mother would hug her, said:＂ Your dad goes to a place far-away, and will be back some years in future. Thus Jade, you have to listen to my words to eat well, sleep well and wait for your father.＂

Jade Zhen gradually grew up, and began to ask: Where does my father really go? What he did? Why everyone calls him a murderer? At Jade Zhen's thirteenth birthday, her mother told her everything happened in the day.

Jade Zhen stopped for a moment, looked at me, said:＂Prince, you tell me which is the good, which is the evil in this world.＂ When she said such words, she looked deeply perplexed.

What happened in the day was like this: When her father and mother went for a walk, they unexpectedly came across a drunkard. When the drunkard saw the beautiful mother, he wanted to molest her, touched her body, and spoke obscene words. Her father wanted to protect her wife, thus pushed the drunkard who fell down to the ground, and his head bumped into the corner of the edge of pavement. The drunkard was sent to hospital, and died there. Her father was taken away by police, court sentenced him to serve in prison for the crime of involuntary manslaughter.

＂Prince, do you think my father was wrong?＂

I came forward to hug her, she sat there quietly with expressionless eyes:＂Why it happened in such a way? Why? Wasn't it a fate?＂

I didn't know what to say, and could only hug her tightly. When her father was sent to prison, people around them kept certain distance with them. Even her grandma didn't allow her mother to enter her home, she cursed that her mother was a coquette and hoodoo. All people blamed her mother for her father's serving in prison, none blamed the dead drunkard.

For those years, her mother had a miserable life. While working, she took care of Jade Zhen. Some ill-minded men came to their home, tried to take advantage of her mother under various excuses. She often noticed her mother was weeping silently with her father's photo. For a long period, Jade Zhen had no friend.

Jade Zhen asked: ＂Do you ever have that kind of feeling? It was so scary as it was too quiet for one to be able to hear one's own breath.＂

How couldn't I know the feeling, I was not different with her? We had experienced same kind of feeling. But at least she was luckier than me, because her parents had always loved her. But there was nothing for me.

I said:＂Honey, from now on I will always accompany you.＂

Jade Zhen said in a low voice:＂ You know why I talked to you at that day? You looked just like me when you were sitting there blankly. I felt the pain at the moment. From the moment on, I want to be your friend, and accompany you.＂

For many years from that time on, Jade Zhen and I never separated, and always kept other in one's heart. When she finished her story, she cautiously looked at me, said:＂Will you leave me?＂

I crouched to look at her eyes, said:＂Honey, never. Thank you, thank you for telling me your story. I will love you forever.＂

Her dull and dim eyes came to light suddenly, she came out of the sorrow and pain she experienced moments ago, and it seemed that she recovered to her previous status. She turned, looked at me, and said: ＂ Prince, from now on you are under my protection. If anyone dares to bully you, I will beat him to death.＂

I really liked Jade Zhen who acts in this fashion, this was what she supposed to be. She had always taken care of me since we knew each other. From the day on, I had always been thinking: What should I do? Before it was always she contacts me first, I decided that I should call her actively and do something for her.

With my such change, Jade Zhen couldn't get used to it. She held me hand, asked:＂Is there anything wrong?＂ Though I told her everything was ‘fine' for several times, she continued to ask me for the same question for many more times. I couldn't tell her that I wanted to do more to her, as I was afraid that my such action might hurt her. I knew we both were alike, we were afraid of the commiseration from others. The commiseration was what we needed least.

Then later Jade Zhen asked with a smile:＂Prince, you tell me, are you in love with me? But I have to tell you that old lady like me only likes man.＂

Because of her overreaction, it failed for my plan to treat her even better. Our relationship returned to former status, which might be more comfortable to Jade Zhen.

My secret love continued for half of the year till ForReverence Wu finished his internship in the hospital. When he was about to leave the hospital, he said:＂ Prince, we have known each other for a long time, but I still don't have your WeChat. Let's add our WeChat  so we can contact in future.＂

I took out my phone and added his WeChat. I didn't know why he wanted to add my WeChat, but nevertheless I couldn't refuse the request from the one I loved. Even I knew there would be no future between us, I still wanted to know his information.

When ForReverence Wu left, my working hour became even more boring. In the hospital everyday someone would fall into illness, someone would die, someone would break down. But all these had little effect on me. The light shining into my heart had vanished, my world had fallen into darkness at once, I lost interests for everything around.

When I went to my home after the office hour, I would browse ForReverence Wu's moments he shared on WeChat. I would occasionally give him a thumps-up. He didn't share anything which might suggest he had a girlfriend. Without any photos of a girl, he would only occasionally complain of the work was too tired, the traffic was too jammed for work, the food was terrible in cafeteria. Even during the holiday, he never showed any picture about the girl I saw.

Sometimes I would guess that he might have been single, the girl I saw might be his sister. As to whether it was true or not, I would  never know. He had already left my world, and there would be no possibility between us.

Unexpectedly, several days before New Year, he sent a message to me through WeChat:＂Prince, how are you recently?＂

When I looked at the sentence, I really didn't know how to reply him, and had to ask advice of Jade Zhen:＂ You tell me why he send the message to you, what he wants?＂

Jade Zhen said:＂He might want to date you.＂

She thought for a moment, said:＂You needn't to reply him, hasn't he refused you?＂

Therefore I told her what I saw at that day. Jade Zhen said:＂You are a real fool. If you still like him, just chat with him.＂

Sure enough, Jade Zhen was right, he wanted to ask me to spend New Year with him. I really didn't know I should feel happy or sad for the invitation. The scene of him with a girl at the day was still flashing in my mind. Nevertheless I decided to see him as I had loved him for such a long time. This was the only chance, I had to  snatch the chance.

When I agreed to see him in New Year's day, he would send messages every day to ask whether I had finished my dinner, whether I had gotten up, how about the work, put on more clothes. I couldn't get used to such kind of care, as from childhood till now, except Jade Zhen, none cared me in such away. Nevertheless it was nice to have someone who cared about you.

Jade Zhen said:＂ Prince, congratulation, you will come together with your Mr. Dream Boy at last.＂ She seemed not to be very glad,  I didn't pay much attention to her reaction, and I was bathing in the affection of ForReverence Wu.

As the New Year's day draw near and near, I became anxious, and took Jade Zhen to buy clothes for me, pestered her to show me how to do make-up. Jade Zhen asked:＂When you have a boyfriend, will you give me up?＂

I hugged her, said with a smile:＂What's wrong with you? You looks not like you.＂

The day before New Year's day, Jade Zhen said:＂Singer Wu and I will go to travel. It may take sometime, you have to be nice with yourself.＂

I said:＂ Okay!＂

The New Year's day finally arrived. In the day a lot of people were bustling in street. A lot of red lanterns were hanging around, shop owners tried hard to attract customers with various activities. I got a call from ForReverence Wu, said:＂Prince, see you at three o'clock.＂

I put on my carefully chosen clothes and a light make-up, and left the apartment. At the predetermined place, I saw ForReverence Wu who wore a black overcoat, brown scarf with 1.8m of stature stood there like a big movie star. I went toward him slowly.

Later Jade Zhen asked: ＂Do you regret? Do you regret the decision you made in the day?＂

4

Many years later, I still could remember the day, remember ForReverence Wu. I really didn't know what I was in his heart?

ForReverence Wu waved his hand to me. I went forward to him, came closer and closer to him, till I stood at his side. He was tall, and I had to raise my head to look at him. He said:＂Let's go to have dinner. I have already booked a table.＂

I followed him to move through people. When I saw his back, I really thought I was in dream. The boy I loved in secret went ahead of me, and wanted to date with me. My heart was awakening, and the corners of my mouth couldn't help but raise a bit to show my satisfaction. There were a  lot of people in street, he walked very fast with his long legs, and I had to have a slow run to catch his pace. He turned, held my hand naturally, said:＂ Let's not get lost.＂

I didn't know why my face felt so hot, and I just followed his lead. His palm was big and warm. My hand was completely in his palm. Though it was a cold winter day, I felt not a bit cold. I felt warm all over my body, and my palms were sweating. We were very close to each other, just like lovers. This should be what one felt like when one was in love! I thought.

When we entered the restaurant, he actively pulled the chair for me, hung my overcoat on the back of the chair, then went to his seat. That was my first time to be a protagonist. I felt a bit in trance by such kind of care. As soon as we sat down, Jade Zhen sent a text message:＂Prince, what's your feeling about date?＂ I replied:＂We are having dinner.＂

ForReverence Wu looked at me:＂Why are you smiling and so happy?＂

＂Chatting with a bestie.＂

He said with a smile:＂You look lovely with your smile. You should smile more often.＂

When he said in such a way, I really didn't know how to answer him, even didn't know where I should put my hands, thus lowered my head and sat there quietly.

He called waitress, asked me with care whether I liked spicy food, didn't like anything, and what I wanted to have. I said hurriedly:＂I am fine with everything.＂

He pointed several dishes to waitress, said:＂We first order these dishes. If not enough, we will order more later.＂

As it was a holiday, there were a  lot of people, most of them were young people in the restaurant. They sat closely together. I didn't know whether we would be like them to become the happiness for each other. When ForReverence Wu finished his order, he stared at me with a smile, I asked: ＂What are you looking?＂

He said:＂Of course I am looking at you.＂

＂What for looking at me?＂

＂You are very beautiful, don't you know?＂

＂Are you sure you are talking about me?＂

＂I am very sure!＂

He said resolutely, which made me think he liked me too. As soon as I thought about this, I thought I might be too self-confident, at least I knew who I was? With small stature, thin body, monolids, flat nose, except oval face, I had nothing which was character of a beauty and didn't like to smile.

ForReverence Wu laughed again, said: ＂ Why you look so aloof which makes others dare not to come close to you?＂

＂Are you talking about me? I really don't know I leave such an impression to other people.＂

＂Yes! A lot of people in the department talk in such a way.＂

＂ I just don't know how to talk with other people.＂ I turned to look at the outside of the window. He looked wonderful when he was smiling, and I really dared not to look at his eyes.

He said:＂You are particular like your name.＂ He said in an earnest tone, thus I believed what he said was true.

＂Why do you want to have a date with me?＂ I asked suddenly. As soon as I spoke the words, I regretted for saying such thing. None would be silly to ask such a kind of question like me!

Unexpectedly, he didn't answer my question, and asked in reply:＂ What do you think?＂

＂I don't know, that's why I ask you.＂At the moment, I was extremely nervous, and afraid that all my expectations would become void as I loved him in secret for such a long time.

＂You are really silly but lovely.＂ He still didn't give a definite reply. At the moment the waitress put the dishes on the table, thus broke the awkward silence. I felt a bit disappointed, maybe he was only bored, I was only imagining for the relationship.

With such a kind of thinking I became extremely agitated. The happy feeling I had a moment ago vanished completely, he added water, and picked vegetables for me. I just sat there quietly to eat the food. He took his food quietly too.

After a long silence, he said:＂ Prince, do you really want to  know why I ask you to celebrate New Year with me?＂

I was baffled by his questioning, put down my chopsticks, looked at him, said:＂Should I know the reason?＂

He sighed with a long exhalation, said:＂Except like, do you really think there is another reason for a man dating a girl?＂ He looked very angry, but I didn't know why he was angry. Nevertheless I liked the answer. At least it showed that the one I loved liked me too. I was stupefied by the sudden happiness. I lowered my head to continue to eat my food, and could sense he was following me with his eyes.

＂No more lowering, otherwise your head will touch the bowl.＂

His joking words made me laugh, and tears were rushing out of my eyes. He asked nervously:＂What's wrong? Don't cry, is there anything wrong I have said?＂

I said:＂None has ever told me he likes me. I always think I am the redundant one.＂

ForReverence Wu's eyes turned dim once, recovered to normal immediately. The change was so subtle that normal person could barely notice.

He said:＂You are very nice, and very cute.＂

I didn't tell him how much I loved him, and didn't reply his expressing of the feeling. 

The dinner lasted for a long time, that was my first time to talk with a man for so many words, and my first date with a man. That was my first time I thought  someone in the world cared about me too. The feeling was very good, and made one addicted to it.

When we came out of the restaurant, it was already past six o'clock. He suggested we should go to movie together. On the way, he took my hand, went through street and alley, and entered the cinema.

He bought popcorn and coffee for me. The cinema was filled with people like in the restaurant. ForReverence Wu sat at my side. I forgot what I saw in the film, just remembered the side of his face looked very handsome. When he smiled to me, he was gentle and kind. At the moment I was very happy.

We saw the film together, walked in street and waited to celebrate the arrival of New Year. We counted down with other people five, four, three, two, one. The bell was ringing. I greeted the new year with one I loved. Within the bustling world, I stood with him shoulder to shoulder to look at the city.

He turned and said to me:＂Prince, can I be your boyfriend?＂

Suddenly I recalled at the day, he kissed the girl with same gentleness and happiness.

I struggled to free myself from his hand, then said: ＂Let me think about it.＂

His smile was frozen at once, he stood there like a statue. I left without turning my head. I was afraid that if I stayed one more minute there, I would definitely rush to his arms, told him I was willingly to become his girlfriend, I really didn't care he was with whom before.

It was about one o'clock in the morning. I walked alone in street. I wanted to call Jade Zhen, but when I noticed the time, I thought she must be in sleep. I turned on my cell phone, except message from Jade Zhen, no other one. In this world, except to Jade Zhen, I was a redundant one. I was so tiny less than an ant, how could I was his match?

I really didn't know I walked for how many kilometers in street. When I arrived in my home, it was already over three o'clock in the morning. The house was quiet with no single sound. I sat down on sofa to browse ForReverence Wu's moments he shared on WeChat.

I noticed a line: I actually deserve not to have a love. The moment was shared at 1:30 am. That was first time he shared his moment not related to his living, was it related to me? My mind was in chaos, I really wanted to call to tell him that I loved him very much, and wanted to be together with him. But reason conquered impulse at last. I closed my cell phone, began to drink. I was loathing my somberness and the uncontrollable life.

One bottle after another, my world began to become dim, dizzy, then my head became blank, and nothing could be recalled.

5

In this world no love would be harmless. So long as you want to love, you would get hurt. Many truths could be understood only after one's own experience. Even if someone told you the truth, you might not believe in it.

After that day, ForReverence Wu didn't contact me for a long time. He didn't share his moment in WeChat since. So long as I was not busy, I would recall the day I dated with him.

The work in hospital was busy and depressing. As soon as I arrived in the hospital in morning, my colleague told me a girl passed away. The girl got leukemia, her family spent a  lot of money, but she was not saved at last. Life was so fragile, while sighing, I was sentimental that in comparison with living, it was easy to die as the one would face the helplessness of the life again.

I never thought I would become a nurse. I only had one idea that I had to grow up as fast as I could, so I could leave my home. In order to achieve the goal, I studied very hard but my score was just so so. During my college entrance examination, I excelled myself in the test, and my scores allowed me to be admitted to an ordinary university.

My teacher said it was nice for a girl to become a doctor, thus I chose a medical school. In order to have less pressure, I chose nurse as my major. After graduation, I came to the hospital as an intern, then I stayed in the hospital as a nurse. The teacher who was instructing us said:＂Prince is the most calm intern I have ever instructed, this is what needed most from a nurse.＂ Thus, I was hired by the hospital.

Only she didn't know that my one was not calmness but aloofness. I thought everything had nothing to do with me, thus I didn't have any emotion. I recalled the judgement given to me by ForReverence Wu: Why you always  look aloof. Yes, I liked to stay in this way,  was afraid to like someone as though I liked my parents, elder sisters and younger brother,  they didn't like me. After a while, I knew none needed my love in this world.

When Jade Zhen was not around, my life returned to its former status. When my office hour was over, I would take a bus till its terminal, then I would take another bus, and sat to watch the city blankly. I would get off bus, went back to my apartment late in the evening. I didn't know what I was looking, and couldn't stop. When I stopped, I would think it was meaningless to live.

Sometimes I would read novel in internet. I liked a writer who liked to write ordinary people. I would read his articles every day, check his blog and WeChat. His life just like mine was uninteresting and meaningless.

I would leave a long message about my living status for him, but he never replied. Nevertheless, as many people liked him, how he would notice me? He didn't reply just my message, but also others' messages too. His words were always emanating lonely, I didn't know whether he thought life was meaningless too?

Jade Zhen had already left for one month. She would call me everyday, tell the outside world. She went to Yunnan, lived in ancient town of Dali. She sent her photos to me. In the photos, she would lean on Singer Wu, and smile happily. Her smile was like sunshine, one would feel warm by just looking at the photos. But I didn't know whether she was really happy.

She told me she missed me very much, then would tell me to eat and sleep well and take good care of myself to wait her back. I was really not sure the relationship between us. She always told me that she was my friend. I was afraid that one day she might not need me anymore. I only didn't tell her about my thought.

As to the date with ForReverence Wu at the day, I didn't tell everything to Jade Zhen, just said:＂ Since the date, I don't see him again.＂ Jade Zhen said angrily:＂Fuck, scumbag.＂ She was lovable when she was cursing.

To be frank, I really liked her, she was a woman with good disposition. She would move forward bravely against difficulties and hardships stuffed to her by life. But I was like a coward, hid with the armor I weaved for myself, refused to have relationship with the world. Jade Zhen once told me: ＂Prince, you are more appropriate to be a nun who without want and desire was accompanied by an oil lamp and ancient Buddha statue.＂

I thought she was right that should be a good life for me.

After I refused ForReverence Wu, I didn't get out of the relationship, rather I missed him even more. I  thought about him, thought about his gentleness, loneliness and disappointed look all the time.

In night I met him frequently in my dream, and  became his girlfriend. Once I dreamed we were running within a sea of flowers. He was holding my hand tightly, turning to look at me with a smile. There was no sunshine, only heavy cloud. The ocean of flowers were surrounded by wild place, the strong wind was whistling.

Suddenly ForReverence Wu vanished, only I was left there. I was running in the ocean of flowers till the end of the road. At the end of the road, there was an unfathomable precipice, and I jumped and was gulped down by darkness. I suddenly awoke. When I was awoken, I recalled the dream, and remembered the jump. The jump was what I wanted,  the jump was what I had always wanted but dared not to do.

I raised my head to look the outside of the window, it was in horrible quietness. The sky was still dark, I turned on my phone, found it was only three o'clock in the morning. I couldn't go to sleep again after I was awoken. I started to read a novel written by the writer I liked in my bed. He updated his novel Above the clouds. The main character in the novel had tried to commit suicide with various methods. Each time after he committed suicide, he would start from the beginning as a child and repeat his previous life. When he grew up, he would have a boring, down-and-out life. When he was powerless, he would commit suicide again, but he could never end his life once for all.

I didn't know what kind of person could write such a kind of novel, and I was keenly interested in the author. Was there anyone in this world who had same life like me? I thought. The author was called Forbearance, just judged by his name, he should be an uncle about forty to fifty years old! I wrote my dream at the end of his novel.

Unexpectedly he replied me, said:＂When everyone is in hard and painful moment of life, everyone is eager to have that kind of relief. But such kind of option couldn't solve the pain of mankind. It is not the end but a new beginning.＂I suddenly understood the meaning and significance of the novel, which might be the truth he wanted to tell his readers.

It was daylight at the outside, a new day began, and I repeated my routine. In that afternoon, I got a message from ForReverence Wu again. Since last time, we hadn't contacted for half month. He said:＂Prince, are you okay? How about dinner tonight.＂

I said:＂Okay.＂

I originally wanted to refuse, but I had to admit that I missed him very much, and wanted to see him again. It was too weird for human emotion as it was always uncontrollable. I decided to be myself, didn't put on make-up, wore a casual overcoat, then left.

He was much thinner than before, and his feature was more handsome. He stood in front of me, smiled to me. His smile would easily melt me. I was really puzzled that whether my feeling for ForReverence Wu was true love, because I liked everything which was warm like summer, loved people like Jade Zhen and ForReverence Wu.

He asked:＂What do you want for dinner?＂

I said:＂Let's just eat at roadside stand for barbecue, is that okay?＂

He said:＂ Isn't it too cold? I know a nice restaurant for barbecue. Let's go there, is that okay?＂

I said:＂Fine.＂

He waved a taxi, told the address. We got into the taxi, he sat beside me, I turned to look at him. He seemed to sense I was looking at him, turned and stared at me, asked:＂What are looking?＂

I said:＂I am looking at you.＂

When he heard my answer, he smiled, and took my hand in his palm tightly again. We sat very closely, I could smell tobacco in his body—a light scent of tobacco. He looked at the outside of the window, and tried to assume casual appearance. I could only sit erectly, didn't know what I should say and do.

I noticed the taxi driver looked at the rear mirror, he wore a faintly discernible smile on his face. He should notice ForReverence Wu holding my hand. The taxi was slowing down, parked at the roadside. When we got off the taxi, ForReverence Wu finally let my hand go.

He told me:＂This is the restaurant. I often come here. The taste is good.＂

I followed him and entered the restaurant. There were not many people in the restaurant, we chose a table close to the window. He looked reserved this time, not like last time he was easy and generous. He still ordered the dishes.

He looked at me, asked:＂Prince, what kind of boy do you like?＂

I said:＂I don't know as I have never liked a boy.＂

He was surprised at my answer, asked:＂Don't you like girl? I know there is a beautiful girl at your side.＂

＂Yes, I like her very much. She is my only friend.＂

He wore a bewildered expression, sighed with a long breath, said:＂ Will you like me?＂

He asked me the same question again, which made me feel very awkward. I really wanted to tell him that I loved him very much, but the words just couldn't come out of my mouth. The only words came out of my mouth:＂I don't know.＂

He didn't ask further, but spoke a sentence which I couldn't understand:＂ You all are really same.＂

I didn't understand his meaning, but noticed he was painful and sorrowful.

While eating, we drank. We drank a lot of wine. It was too much that we could hardly get up. In that night, I got to know what happened to him.

6

After I listened the