SHIFTING Bravely E-Book

Holli Kenley

• Herausgeber: Loving Healing Press
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 277

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2022

Beschreibung

Get Ready to Make Your Own SHIFT!

• Are you feeling stuck, stagnant, or unsettled in your current reality?
• Are discomfort, dissatisfaction, and dis-ease ongoing themes in your life?
• Are you longing for healthy change, first with yourself and then with others?

Seeds of change lie dormant within. Even more than you can imagine will grow there if given a chance.
"SHIFTING Bravely is a beautifully written, easy to digest invitation and guide for personal growth, filled with illustrations of how those who gave themselves permission to heal deeply buried wounds were able to step into their real story and create powerfully grounded energy for profound, untethered life-long change."
--Debra Rock, MSW, LCSW, psychotherapist in private practice
"Filled with real-life stories, practical tools and reflections, Kenley's words seemed to sing right off the page and land directly into my heart. Beautifully weaved tapestry of wisdom and inspiration! A must-read for anyone who is desiring personal freedom."
--Shari Alyse 'Joy Magnet', bestselling author and motivational speaker
"SHIFTING Bravely brilliantly describes the phases of personal metamorphosis and offers profound insight, concrete information and practical tools and exercises to skillfully and lovingly navigate the journey into oneself."
--Marcie R. Elias, JD, MA, organizational psychologist
"A deep reflection of the unhealed elements in our lives, SHIFTING Bravely is a journey of growth that invites the reader to be vulnerable, open, and courageous."
--Allison Sucamele, PsyD, adjunct professor, department of Education and Psychology, course lead positive psychology, Pepperdine University
"SHIFTING Bravely is quite literally a life-changing book."
--Kiersten Hathcock, author Little Voices, CEO Mod Mom Furniture

Leseprobe

Praise for Holli Kenley’s SHIFTING Bravely

Once again, Holli Kenley takes the mystery out of what can be accomplished when people find the courage to change one of the most powerful of relationships—the one we have with ourselves.

Kenley weaves words together into captivating visuals of how people can be scarred and even petrified—yet keep turning the keys that open the doors into the compelling insights that chase away fear and confusion.

SHIFTING Bravely is a beautifully written, easy to digest invitation and guide for personal growth, filled with illustrations of how those who gave themselves permission to heal deeply buried wounds were able to step into their real story and create powerfully grounded energy for profound, untethered life-long change.

Debra Rock, MSW, LCSW, psychotherapist in private practice

Wrapped in the metaphor of the changing seasons, SHIFTING Bravely will take you on a powerful journey of growth, healing and transformation. Part guidebook, part almanac, SHIFTING Bravely brilliantly describes the phases of personal metamorphosis and offers profound insight, concrete information and practical tools and exercises to skillfully and lovingly navigate the journey into oneself.

Marcie R. Elias, JD, MA, organizational psychologist

We are all called to SHIFT at some point in our lives, but often, the fear of what that could entail paralyzes us. In Holli Kenley’s beautiful book, SHIFTING Bravely, she lovingly guides you towards your SHIFT so that you can step courageously into it and create lasting change. Filled with real-life stories, practical tools and reflections, Kenley’s words seemed to sing right off the page and land directly into my heart. Beautifully weaved tapestry of wisdom and inspiration! A must-read for anyone who is desiring personal freedom.

Shari Alyse ‘Joy Magnet’, bestselling author and motivational speaker

A deep reflection of the unhealed elements in our lives, SHIFTING Bravely is a journey of growth that invites the reader to be vulnerable, open, and courageous. Kenley creates a safe space on the page and a feeling of connectedness with the reader. It is interactive and encourages the reader to trust the process, rest, and renew.

Allison Sucamele, PsyD, adjunct professor, Department of Education and Psychology, Course Lead Positive Psychology, Pepperdine University

SHIFTING Bravely is quite literally a life-changing book. Kenley masterfully weaves together real-life stories with easy-to-understand ways to implement changes that will help to create the life you want. If you’re looking to shift your world, start with SHIFTING Bravely.

Kiersten Hathcock, author Little Voices, CEO Mod Mom Furniture

By following the Flower's seasonal journey of self-growth in Shifting Bravely, we get inspired and encouraged to carefully and purposefully tend to our own seeds. With the help of exercises throughout different seasons, we are able to grow (our seeds) towards significant sustainable change. This is a great book!

Ilse Aerts, LMFT, LPCC

Rich in mood and atmosphere, SHIFTING Bravely takes us through the journeys of multiple transformative experiences and healing modalities while illuminating a peaceful approach full of possibility for change. So thoughtfully told, anyone can glean tools for their own transformation.

Charlotte Carson, Founder CLEARlife

By sharing the how’s and why’s some individuals chose to shift their lives, emotions, and beliefs, Kenley draws us in to experience the realities and reasons for transforming our own. The exercises at the end of each chapter bring readers forward on their journeys. Great reading! I pray SHIFTING Bravely gets out to many readers!

Barbara Sinor, Ph.D.,author of Inspirational Musings: Insights Through Healing

This entire book is a beautiful metaphor, captured by the picture on the cover. Holli guides the reader along the path of growth from unacknowledged damage through gradual awakening due to suffering, to metamorphosis into strength. She explores what can stand in the way of progress, and how to grow anyway. Thought- and emotion-provoking exercises at the end of each chapter enable the reader to do the necessary work: we succeed by doing, not by knowing. If life is not how you want it, allow this wise lady to guide you to a better place.

Bob Rich, Ph.D.,author of From Depression to Contentment: A Self-Therapy Guide

SHIFTING Bravely: A Path to Growth, Healing, and Transformation

Copyright © 2022 by Holli Kenley. All Rights Reserved.

Learn more at www.HolliKenley.com

ISBN 978-1-61599-628-5 paperback

ISBN 978-1-61599-629-2 hardcover

ISBN 978-1-61599-630-8 eBook

Distributed by Ingram (USA/CAN/AU), Bertram’s Books (UK/EU)

Published by

Loving Healing Press

5145 Pontiac Trail

Ann Arbor, MI 48105

Tollfree 888-761-6268

FAX [phone]

www.LHPress.com

[email protected]

Audiobook editions available at Audible.com and iTunes

To The Flower

Rooted in courage and commitment,a shift emerged out of shame.A rising up of who you are,inspiring others to do the same.

A SHIFT is defined as the following:

an unexpected or unpredictable compelling

transformation in your beliefs, perceptions, or

truths about you, someone else, or something

Contents

SHIFTING, My Story

Seasonal Opening

Season One: Winter Stillness

Chapter 1 – A SHIFT Lies Dormant

Exercises—A SHIFT Lies Dormant

Chapter 2 – A SHIFT Is Awakened

Exercises—A SHIFT Is Awakened

Chapter 3 – A SHIFT Awaiting Attention

Exercises—A SHIFT Awaiting Attention

Season Two: Spring Stirrings

Chapter 4 – A SHIFT Takes Root

Exercises—A SHIFT Takes Root

Chapter 5 – A SHIFT Emerges

Exercises—A SHIFT Emerges

Season Three: Summer Strong

Chapter 6 – A SHIFT Faces Recurring Resistance

Exercises—A SHIFT Faces Recurring Resistance

Chapter 7 – A SHIFT Is Sustained

Exercises—A SHIFT Is Sustained

Season Four: Autumn Splendor

Chapter 8 – A SHIFT Cultivates Future Growth

Exercises—A SHIFT Cultivates Future Growth

Seasonal Closing

Appendix A: Topics for Deeper Exploration

Appendix B: Letter of Invitation

Acknowledgements

About the Author

Bibliography

Index

SHIFTING, My Story

Much of who I am is the result of SHIFTING. I have experienced it over and over again. Although I have become accustomed to embracing change, recently I became intrigued by its process. Upon returning to Southern California in 2018, I reopened my private practice as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. It was after several months of working with clients again and observing their journeys of inner personal change when I came to appreciate the profound nature of SHIFTING and its potential for lasting impact.

When I think back over the most significant SHIFTS in my life, some emerged out of varying levels of discomfort, disappointment, or dissatisfaction. One of those SHIFTS took place during my first career as a teacher. Although I loved teaching, after twenty years I began to feel somewhat dissatisfied. I realized my passions had changed and my calling was elsewhere. I enjoyed helping others, especially adult females, lead more whole and well lives.

During my early forties, I devised, organized, and led groups for females supporting them with wellness challenges. After three years of leading the groups, I could feel my SHIFT awakening. I was being called to bring healing to others but on a more professional level. I paid attention to the calling. While I continued teaching, I entered graduate school to obtain a Masters in Psychology with an emphasis in Marriage, Family and Child Counseling. Over a period of seven years, I graduated with my degree, completed the required three thousand hours of internship, and passed both my written and oral state boards for becoming a California Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.

This SHIFT’s genesis came from a seed of dissatisfaction with one career path but was germinated within a deep passion for another. Still, its emergence was lengthy and required tremendous sacrifice and commitment. During this period of time, I was married and raising a family. I also moved from teaching middle school to taking on a demanding position at a local high school. There were times when I felt like giving up. I didn’t want to write another research paper, take another exam, or as an English teacher, correct another essay. Over the seven years, resistance showed up in all kinds of shapes and forms. And yet, I learned how to anticipate it, prepare for it, and move through it. In SHIFTINGBravely, I share with you how to work through resistance, from both internal and external forces. Learning how to navigate resistance successfully is critical to strengthening and sustaining your emerging SHIFT.

Throughout my adult life, there have been additional SHIFTS that arose from varying levels of discomfort and dissatisfaction. Some of them included changing places of employment, or moving from unhealthy environments, or detaching from toxic relationships. All contributed to my growth and emergence in positive ways.

However, there have been numerous SHIFTS in my life birthed from deep pain buried beneath layers of shame. In my work as an author in the field of psychology, I have chronicled these SHIFTS in several of my books. The first publication was Breaking Through Betrayal: And Recovering the Peace Within (2009, 2016 2nd Edition).

After years of feeling betrayed by a family member and trying everything I knew how to do at the time to create a healthier relationship, I decided I needed to heal myself first. Because I wasn’t satisfied with the tools available for recovery from betrayal, I began entertaining the idea of exploring betrayal and developing a treatment program specifically designed for healing from betrayal injury. As my SHIFT awakened, I realized this would require a great deal of time and effort. I thought about letting go of the idea, but the calling wouldn’t subside. I paid attention to it.

Thus, I spent months studying past and present client cases, reading books on betrayal, and exploring other thinking. As I gained more insight and understanding into betrayal, I felt my SHIFT taking root. I began writing down my thoughts. As I wrote, I started implementing the strategies and practices I was creating into my life and trying out their efficacy with clients. A year went by. I continued to fine tune my strategies and to write them down. As I did so, I could feel my SHIFT emerging and strengthening. With more time, this SHIFT was sustained. I was no longer held hostage by my betrayer or the betrayals. I was free. Experiencing a growing SHIFT is one thing. Knowing how to integrate your SHIFT solidly into your being and how to sustain its presence is critical. I share these strategies with you in SHIFTINGBravely and provide paths for their implementation.

In my writings, I have been very transparent about trauma in my life and my recovering journeys. In 2011, Mountain Air: Relapsing and Finding the Way Back, One Breath at a Time was published. With twenty years of recovering under my belt, I felt I understood the nature of relapse. However, when I experienced a relapse into extremely unhealthy codependent behaviors 2008-2010, I became intimately acquainted with its relentless shame-filled presence. With the help of a skilled therapist, I embraced my recovering from relapse. More importantly, during the process I unearthed a deeply embedded trauma from childhood that served as an underlying trigger to my relapse.

From this experience, two SHIFTS emerged. One was the development of a compassionate awareness into the relationship between relapse and shame. This SHIFT in perspective altered my approach in addressing relapse with my clients and enabled me to be a more empathic therapist. The other SHIFT was a growing understanding of how and why a SHIFT takes hold and solidifies itself in some individuals and how and why it doesn’t for others. In other words, in Chapter Four, A SHIFT Takes Root, I explore the importance of doing the hard work of digging deep and clearing out past injuries and injustices, no matter how small or significant. I know from my own journey and that of others, if we do not do this work, our growth will be stunted or sabotaged. More importantly, I present a three-part process for tending to this delicate and difficult phase of SHIFTING Bravely.

Lastly, several years ago numerous SHIFTS emerged out of unspeakable traumatic events within my family. These SHIFTS transformed my life on every level and are detailed in my book Daughters Betrayed By Their Mothers: Moving from Brokenness to Wholeness (2018). One SHIFT, allowing myself to be vulnerable, developed years previously but it was strengthened during this painful period of growth.

In order for me to continue emerging and becoming who I am called to be, I have learned I must stand in my truths. If I choose to share them, I must do so openly and honestly. Is there risk in being vulnerable? Yes, there is great risk. Does it call for courage? Yes, vulnerability calls for immeasurable courage. However, I have come to understand that when I am the most vulnerable, I open myself up for the most growth. As you embrace your journey, you will be encouraged to do the same.

In closing, at times I have traveled my path of emergence alone and trusted my intuition. However, for most of my life, I have leaned into support systems and learned from mentors who have gone before me. I wrote SHIFTING Bravely so that you would not be alone. More importantly, I wanted to create a path to guide you and light your way.

I have gone before you. And, I am one of you.

“Healers aren’t holy beings sent down from the light. They emerge from the darkness after learning how to heal [themselves] and radiate the glow of transformation.”

Unknown

Seasonal Opening

“When you assess your own life, consider it with the eye of a gardener. Underneath the surface lies rich, fertile soil waiting to nurture the seeds you sow.

Even more than you can imagine will grow there if given a chance.”

Steve Goodier

As the sun moves across the half-moon window positioned slightly below the ceiling on the west wall of my office, its rays cast a warm glow into the room. On an early Saturday morning, I am nestled into my therapist chair, mindful of the heavy responsibility I have been entrusted with. Time and time again, I am humbled by the depth of vulnerability before me, and I am reminded of the delicate guidance required to explore change, while unearthing its restraints. The sun continues to move west, making its morning brush against the stately clock located on the north wall. The brightness alerts me; it is time.

Welcoming in my next client, I am reminded of how I have come to think of her. She is like a Flower, whose layered essence fills the room with strength, courage, and compassion. Her beauty emanates from within, deeply ingrained in her new way of being. As the Flower flows into the room, my mind recalls the significance of her presence.

The beautiful full silky blossom positioned across from me should not have been here. Poised in the large soft-brown leathered high-back chair, she settles into the safety of our ongoing conversation. Decades of trauma have left their scars, invisible to the naked eye but unveiled over time in stories shaded with darkness. A blanket of mutual trust wraps itself around our connection providing a protected space for peeling away layers of injury buried deep within. The strong stem sustaining the Flower allows me to move further into exploring her pain. She unearths her past, hungry for truth.

After our session, I reflect upon the fragility of life and on its fleeting nature. It’s remarkably easy not to pay attention to one’s suffering, discomfort, or nudging. And yet, time and time again, individuals do so. Over two years ago, the injured Flower bravely entered my office and embarked upon a weekly journey of discovery, awakened to the uneasiness within. A seed, which lay dormant for years, began to move, ever so slightly and slowly.

I ask myself, “What caused her to pay attention this time? How did she know not to ignore it? Was she afraid, anxious, confused, or excited? Did she understand within that moment of silent movement she would be called upon to be vulnerable, courageous and committed, more than ever before?”

Pondering those questions, I continue to reflect on the ensuing mysteries of change. How is it that sometimes growth continues and is sustainable while at other times, it is not? Is it because the soil must be carefully tended to so it will welcome new seeds, making room for additional growth? Or is new growth often stunted by resistance, from both internal and external forces? What other factors come into play?

In order to broaden my lens, I have invited individuals to submit their stories of “A SHIFT In My Life” [Appendix A]. I will draw upon their stories of shifting, as well as the experiences of numerous clients whose journeys led them through a seasonal process of self-growth. Names of participants and clients have been changed.

I want to know more about this process—SHIFTING Bravely. I want to answer the questions I posed above and address additional mysteries. I want to be able to offer insights and lessons into this dynamic process for individuals who are currently working through dissatisfying circumstances, discomfort, or dis-ease in their lives. I want to offer a pathway of transformation to any individual yearning for significant and sustainable change.

Inspired by the messages within Steve Goodier’s quote, “When you assess your own life, consider it with the eye of a gardener,” I have defined a process of SHIFTING Bravely. Through the lens of a gardener, you will not only learn how to assess your life, but you will learn how to decipher, unearth, and nurture seeds of change which lie within you.

To guide your path, SHIFTING Bravely has been organized around a seasonal process of growth. The four earthly seasons—Winter, Spring, Summer, and Autumn—are symbolic of the four seasons of growth within our shifting process. As you move through Winter Stillness, Spring Stirrings, Summer Strong, and Autumn Splendor, a path to growth, healing and transformation will mirror that of a garden—from its genesis to its harvest.

Within each season, the delicate and demanding process of SHIFTING Bravely is broken down into chapters—each unraveling the mysteries of change while specifically providing strategies integral to implementing the growing process. And, in order to engage and support readers in their journeys of SHIFTING Bravely, each chapter will conclude with follow-up exercises.

This is important. If it is your desire to travel this path, it is beneficial to acclimate yourself to the content and to the shifting process by reading through the entire book, at a comfortable pace. Then, you are strongly encouraged to go back, re-read each chapter, allowing the information to soak in more fully. Grab hold of a journal or notebook and spend as much time as needed completing the exercises for each chapter before moving onto the next chapter. It is going to require hard work, commitment, and courage. And, it is going to require you to trust this truth—“…[Your]…soil is waiting to nurture the seeds you sow. Even more than you can imagine will grow there if given a chance.” (Goodier)

My mind returns to the tender but tenacious blossom and her journey. Throughout the winter, spring, summer, and fall seasons, I have been sensitive to her needs for rest and renewal, and carefully waited for her surges of resilience. However, I have found it is during those moments of stillness and of carefully crafted questioning when another seed is unearthed…and something shifts. I can feel it. The Flower can too. We see it in each other’s eyes. It is remarkable.

The process of SHIFTING Bravely is extraordinary. Let’s explore and experience it together.

Season One:

Winter Stillness

1

A SHIFT Lies Dormant

“Every person has seeds of greatness within, even though they may currently be dormant.”

John C. Maxwell

Shifting is a process of growth. Its genesis—seeds. Remarkably, we carry them within us. How is it we do not know of their existence? What is it we are doing or not doing that contributes to their dormancy? What is behind this mystery?

As we explore why our seeds “may currently be dormant,” we begin by understanding there is no deficiency within the seeds themselves. Nor is it a fault of our own, or not noticing them, or not searching hard enough. The awareness to do so is simply not available to us. It is important to embrace this truth.

We are shielded from dormant seeds by various forms of camouflage—disruptions and diversions which consume us and often control the course of our lives.

Forms of camouflage are deceptive. Their presence often appears to provide us with opportunities for growth or change, at least in self-satisfying or superficial ways. On closer examination, forms of camouflage typically limit our growth, conforming us to patterns of survival, some beneficial and some not. In order to begin the process of acknowledging sleepy seeds and of discerning their presence, we must familiarize ourselves with the most prevalent forms of camouflage. Only then can we understand the concept of SHIFTING Bravely and begin our journey through a seasonal process of self-growth.

One common form of camouflage is stagnation and settling. Many of us have come to accept that getting by is good enough, even if we feel stuck or unsatisfied. Others of us, who know we are not living up to our potential or pursuing our dreams, feel trapped and resigned to predetermined destinies. Day after day, our growth is stunted by settling for a degree of security and stagnating in mundane routines. How does this happen?

Because diverse internal and external sources of influence shape our developmental years as well as our own choices, we enter into young adult years with perceptions and expectations regarding self-efficacy. Some of us view ourselves as independent, free to choose what we want for ourselves and our lives. Others of us may feel obligated, or in many cases, bound or oppressed by our circumstances, forcing us to settle for something we do not want.

Stagnation and settling shroud our thinking with self-doubt and self-blame. More importantly, over time and with repetition of behavioral patterns, these agents of camouflage condition us into believing we don’t deserve anything more, anything better, or different. Or perhaps on some level, we convince ourselves we should be grateful for what we have and what we know.

From the many stories I received regarding “A SHIFT in My Life,” let’s begin with Robert’s experience. His words convey the dormant nature of his seeds, settling for what he was taught and feeling resigned with the status quo—securing a future for himself.

In 1951, my folks bought an old estate near Denver. I was twelve years old. From that time, until I was twenty-eight, my family focused on building and operating a small family country club on that property. Everyone involved assumed I would eventually take over the business. I was involved in every aspect of building, maintenance, working with the public, lifeguarding, promoting, and in fact every facet of the business and its future development.

Finishing high school in 1957, I was urged to go on to college and get a teaching certificate. In 1961, I added teaching high school to my life. I found teaching to be a real challenge and joy but was committed to building the club and becoming economically independent. The school schedule complimented my summer obligations. In the early 60s, I began designing and promoting a year-round club.

I was also involved with forming several marketing enterprises. I worked 24/7 365 days a year. Fully engaged in that life, I was sure my future was secure.

Robert accomplished what was expected of him. His loyalty to his family and to the business rewarded him financially. Although settling and stagnation served him well for a period of time, the seeds of a more fulfilling dream lay dormant under layers of monetary success. In Robert's words, “I added teaching high school to my life. I found teaching to be a real challenge and joy but was committed to building the club and becoming economically independent.”

Another form of camouflage that presents itself in countless individuals is psychological pain. Some of the most common disorders such as anxiety, depression, Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and behavioral / substance addiction wreak havoc with our lives. Their causes are complex and complicated. Their symptoms can be chronic and debilitating. When they are unattended or when denial prevents their acknowledgement, we are held hostage to their manifestations. And thus, disturbance determines our destiny, shutting out other pathways to growth.

When disorders are diagnosed and addressed, effective psychological interventions as well as medical treatments require compliance and commitment, focusing our energies and resources on symptom reduction and management. This is as it should be. Our mental health must remain a priority. Therefore, it is understandable why dormant seeds of change remain in their states of hibernation, as individuals courageously explore their roots of pain and embrace their recovering journeys.

From her story, “A SHIFT In My Life,” Annika’s words speak to this form of camouflage.

Back in December of 2010, I somehow was brought to my knees and surrendered to my alcoholism. I went into treatment in Eugene, Oregon, for only twenty-one days. At the time I went into treatment, I was forty-four years old. I had managed to destroy my marriage, relationships, trust, and all of my self-worth and dignity.

When I got out of treatment, I had nothing to go home to. No house, no car, and even my kids didn’t like me. I lived in Oregon and was actually shunned by my community due to my behavior while I was drinking…it was bad. I don’t blame anyone.

I ended up getting a job in [the field of] sobriety. They call that first recovery job “a get-well job.” I worked as many hours as possible while attending intensive outpatient treatment.

As Annika’s story illustrates, her addiction to alcohol impacted her psychological and relational health. Making her recovery a priority, she focused her energies on a twenty-one-day treatment program. Thus, during periods of camouflage requiring rigorous focus and concentrated investment into recovery, the cultivation of an awareness of seeds within dormant states can be stymied, or as in Annika’s case, it can be redirected towards self-care.

Often psychological disturbance is accompanied with physiological disease. Or vice-versa. Either way, disease of any kind, especially if it is chronic in nature, requires tremendous investment into our healing. And thus, just as with psychological disturbance, there may be periods of time in our lives where our physical health dictates our path and our priorities. This type of camouflage takes on a protective role of sorts, unintentionally helping us by redirecting our attention away from dormant seeds. Our bodies and minds are in weakened states, calling on us to pay attention to them.

Dedicated educator Britt describes in her story, “A SHIFT In My Life,” how illness caught her off guard, redirecting her energies from her beloved work as she began searching for causes and exploring treatments. Remarkably, as Britt tended to her physiological disease, she began to unearth dormant seeds nestled beneath her layers of camouflage.

As I moved through my twenties and thirties many good things came my way. I was happily married to my life partner and together we built one of the pre-eminent archaeological education and research centers in the nation. My husband and I worked hard, dreamed large, and were wildly successful. For all its rewards, the work was exhausting and not without a constant stream of crises and stress.

After our two sons were born, we retired from our position of leadership at the education center we had created. It seemed creating schools was in our blood. By the time our sons were four and six, we moved to Arizona to take care of my husband’s parents. We soon became involved in the charter school movement and successfully created the second charter school in the state—an exportable model on the forefront of education. I was in my mid-forties by this time, raising two sons, working…trying to juggle it all.

Around this time, much to my amazement, I discovered I had developed significant gut issues which required treatment—potentially Crohn’s disease they said. It can be a nasty one. I was taken by surprise. I had always been physically strong and rarely sick with anything. I began to focus on the reasons why my gut was crying out to get my attention. I ended up following a comprehensive three-pronged approach.

As Britt’s story portrays, it is important to note that psychological disorders or physiological diseases can be the impetus for uncovering layers of camouflage as individuals begin to question the challenges they face and search for trusted direction and tested remedies. However, it has been my experience with most individuals who are in the midst of life-threatening storms, it is critical to channel their energies on their healing practices and treatment plans required of them. Once the turbulent nature of the storm has passed and when a layer or two of camouflage has been slowly cleared away, we become more settled. In that stillness, dormant seeds lie, waiting.

Additionally and importantly, one of the most formidable forms of camouflage which tethers us to a place of unknowing, and thus a lack of awareness for change, shows up within our maladaptive thought processes, or what I refer to as self-shaming life messages.

Life messages are an individual’s internal dialogue (or messaging) composed from each person’s unique life experiences and perceptions of them. Although life messages could come from any external source of influence, we are predominately impacted by those coming from our primary caregivers. Life messages are powerful. They form our personal truths about ourselves and our inner personal value.

In the twenty-five years I have worked with victims of abuse, betrayal, and trauma of all kinds, I have found destructive life messages of self-blame, self-shame, and self-devaluation are largely responsible for individuals’ negative self-image as well as their lack of self-worth and self-efficacy. Because these distorted life messages typically have been deeply engrained since childhood, their dominant nature easily camouflages seeds of change, shrouding their dormancy and smothering possibilities of alternative ways of being.

In one of the stories submitted for “A SHIFT In My Life,” Margot shared her experience growing up in a highly troubled, dysfunctional family. In her story, she references her disturbed step-mother who had Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Before we turn to Margot’s story, it is important to touch upon the nature and complexity of BPD.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders: Fifth Edition, (DSM-5), Borderline Personality Disorder is defined as a “pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, affects [feelings, emotions, moods], and marked impulsivity” (DSM-5, p.663). These patterns of instability begin to show up in early adulthood. While healthy individuals are able to negotiate tension, accommodate differences, or accept challenges in relationships, individuals with BPD respond quite differently. They will demonstrate “inappropriate anger, sudden despair, erratic mood swings, and panic or fury in response to challenges or any tension or distress” (DSM-5, p.663).

These reactive, unstable, and impulsive behaviors are an attempt to “make frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment“ (DSM-5, p.663). In other words, fearing they are being rejected or abandoned, they will turn on others suddenly or reject them first to avoid such feelings. Although there are other destructive behaviors characteristic of BPD, clients I have worked with often describe their relationships with a Borderline as abusive, chaotic, and exhausting. For children raised by a Borderline parent, it can be frightening and isolating growing up, as they are unable to tether themselves to a source of safety, security, and unconditional love in their own home. In addition, the severely unpredictable nature of living in a home with a BPD parent or a substance/alcohol abusing household can lead to cognitive disturbance and emotional stress among children who are conditioned to anticipate when and where danger will strike. Needless to say, the needs of children are lost in environments of confusion and chaos characteristic of BPD.

The impact of Borderline Personality Disorder as well as other destructive family dynamics are quite evident in Margot’s story. A few of her life messages vividly illustrate their painful presence.

I was the “accident” that happened when my sisters were six and ten. I heard I was a colicky and difficult baby for my mother, who was chronically clinically depressed, and somewhat aloof and caustic. She taught me to tiptoe around our father so as not to upset him. Looking back, I see that my mother was emotionally abused by him, as were we three girls.

I have no real loving memories of my mother. Later in life a psychic told me that all she had to give me was my birth. My dad could be fun, but he had a temper and mental illness. He drank too much, which turned him into a raging tyrant. At other times, he was like a child, naked and prancing from the bathroom to the bedroom from a shower, giggling all the way.