Sister Sebastian's Library E-Book

Phil Whitaker

• Herausgeber: Salt
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2016

Beschreibung

All is not what it seems in this gripping novel about two sisters' lives: one who leaves her secular Catholic life to become a nun in deepest Africa, and her sister who goes to search for her when she goes missing. Elodie O'Shea abandons her children to her estranged husband to go on the search for her sister, Bridie. What she uncovers reveals as much about herself, her marriage and her family than her missing sibling. Sister Sebastian's Library is a deeply moving exploration of relationships, loyalty and trust. With quiet confidence and perfectly pitched prose, Phil Whitaker challenges our understanding of the essentials that make us human.

Leseprobe

SISTER SEBASTIAN’S LIBRARY

Phil Whitaker

All is not what it seems in this gripping novel about two sisters’ lives: one who leaves her secular Catholic life to become a nun in deepest Africa, and her sister who goes to search for her when she goes missing.

Elodie O’Shea abandons her children to her estranged husband to go on the search for her sister, Bridie. What she uncovers reveals as much about herself, her marriage and her family than her missing sibling.

Sister Sebastian’s Libraryis a deeply moving exploration of relationships, loyalty and trust. With quiet confidence and perfectly pitched prose, Phil Whitaker challenges our understanding of the essentials that make us human.

PRAISE FOR PREVIOUS WORK

‘Whitaker is so genuinely inventive.’ —The Spectator

‘Whitaker is clearly a writer to watch’ —Daily Telegraph

‘Whitaker is an intelligent, sympathetic and eloquent writer.’ —Sunday Telegraph

‘Phil Whitaker has gone where no novelist has dared to go before.’ —Marcus Chown

‘Funny, engaging, insightful, and even moving. masterful.’ —Phil Hammond

‘Touching and sad, yet funny and entertaining.’ —Margaret Forster

‘A wonderful story. if literary thriller means anything it means The Face. Buy at once.’ —Time Out

‘Heart-stopping. The Face is a thriller unlike any I’ve ever read.’ —Literary Review

‘A clever, beautifully judged piece of writing.’ —Financial Times

‘It is hard to praise Triangulation enough’ —New Statesman

‘Conspicuously well done ... Triangulation is absorbing stuff’ —Independent

‘The machinery of colonialism is delicately examined in this distinguished, resonant novel.’ —Spectator

‘An effortless, rewarding read.’ —Glasgow Sunday Herald

‘A stylish and compulsive literary thriller that had me gripped.’ —Kate Atkinson

‘Excellent ... clever and mesmerising.’ —Spectator

‘Steady in its gaze and deeply penetrating in its insight into flesh and blood’ —Guardian

‘Crisply written and full of arresting images.’ —Independent

‘Intelligent and unsettling ... The Face is an impressive achievement ... Whitaker is a writer with a clear and uncluttered voice.’ —Sunday Telegraph

‘A beautifully told tale.’ —Independent on Sunday

‘A confident and inviting style that is both convincing and beguiling.’ —The Scotsman

Sister Sebastian’s Library

PHIL WHITAKERhas written four novels. He won the John Llewellyn Rhys Prize, Betty Trask Award and was shortlisted for Whitbread First Novel Award for his novel,Eclipse of the Sunin 1997 after graduating from the UEA creative writing MA. He went on to win the Encore Award with his second novel,Triangulation, in 2000 and published two other novels,The Face(2002) andFreak of Nature(2007).

ALSO BY PHIL WHITAKER

NOVELS

Eclipse of the Sun(1997)

Triangulation(1999)

The Face(2002)

Freak of Nature(2007)

Published by Salt Publishing Ltd

12 Norwich Road, Cromer, Norfolk NR27 0AX

All rights reserved

Copyright © Phil Whitaker,2016

The right ofPhil Whitakerto be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with Section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

This book is in copyright. Subject to statutory exception and to provisions of relevant collective licensing agreements, no reproduction of any part may take place without the written permission of Salt Publishing.

Salt Publishing 2016

Created by Salt Publishing Ltd

This book is sold subject to the conditions that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out,or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

ISBN 978-1-78463-079-9 electronic

for Hilary

One

She rolled onto her side, meeting the plump caress of an unused pillow. Its cotton cover was cool and dry and soothing. The sun had travelled some way since she’d fallen asleep – it was shining directly on her now, causing her to squint when she opened her eyes. Overhead, the ceiling fan dragged itself uselessly round. She imagined the humid air flopping and folding in the wake of the blades, more doughy mixture than evanescent gas. Fresh perspiration beaded, and crawled across her skin.

The white muslin drapes over the open French doors billowed softly. Elodie swung herself out of bed and made her way towards the whisper of refreshment. She pictured herself, sweeping the curtains aside and stepping out into the afternoon and its breeze. If the balcony had opened on to the inner courtyard, with its azure tiled pool fringed by sun loungers, then she would have done so. The norms of behaviour within a hotel can be very different from those outside its walls. But on the street below her room everyday life laboured on: revving, parping, shouting out; bursts of shrill Arabic music Doppler-shifting as cars passed. Her appearance would be a transgression.

Her alarm sounded behind her, dreamy seashore waves over a gentle acoustic guitar. She retrieved her phone and silenced it. There was only one text, a simple ‘Good luck!’ from Seal that had come through just as she was switching it off at Gatwick, and which she hadn’t yet cleared from the notifications bar. She’d decided not to arrange roaming; she wanted to be removed from her normal life, to be in control of how and when she made contact with home. Endless missives from university colleagues, social media updates from friends and acquaintances – all would make it difficult, painful even. And unexpected calls or emails from family would be a thousand times worse. She clicked offthe display and tossed the phone on the bed. It felt liberating, but also a little scary, to be cut off from the world she knew.

She peeled off her t-shirt and pants and dropped them at the door to her en suite. A fixed shower head jutted from the wall. She turned the valve and was hit, square in the chest, by icy grapeshot.She shrank into the corner, the water ricocheting off the tiles, needling her shins and thighs. That there could be anything so devoid of heat in the entire city. Eventually, having waited for warmth that never came, she dipped cupped palms into the torrent and sluiced herself with a few handfuls. The extremes of temperature defeated her. Perhaps hot water, like air conditioning, was intermittent. What was the phrase the man on reception had used?Certain times– air conditioning would only be available at certain times. She’d asked when these were. He’d shrugged and said that depended on when there was electricity; the generator couldn’t power it alone.

Back home in UK time the children would be starting afternoon lessons. She felt a cramp of longing but quickly righted herself – it would be business as usual for them, in the thick of it with friends. To them, this was no different than Mummy being away at one of her conferences. That was how she wanted it.

Not for the first time she wondered how it would feel were she doing this for one of them. If she allowed that train of thought she quickly became swept up in ferocious gustsof maternal care – imagining Maddie or Ollie alone, afraid, ill, or in danger. The protectiveness, the anger, the fear – the strength and purity of the emotions evoked simply byimaginingher child in peril. She knew with clear-eyed certainty that she would risk anything to keep them safe. Her feelings for Bridie were strong and unsettling, too, but more complex; more malleable.

Elodie dried herself and unzipped her suitcase, letting what little English air was trapped inside escape. She dressed in an ankle-length skirt, bought specially for the trip, and an oversize shirt she’d not worn for years. The cotton was affected by the change of climate, its fibres swollen with the humidity, making the buttons stiff to push through their holes. Standing in front of the full-length mirror she laid a silk scarf over her head and tied it securely at her throat. She noted the effect with flat curiosity. Face, hands, feet the only exposed flesh. A collision of impressions: Bridie in her scapular and veil; anonymous women in hijabs glimpsed on the ride from the airport. Now her. Cloaking herself, obscuring herself. Conforming herself.

Thepetit taxitook her weaving through the nouvelle ville, past pavement cafés, low rise apartment blocks, shop fronts with huge plate glass windows – but for the Arabic signage she could have been anywhere in southern France. Eventually they emerged on to a grand, wide boulevard, traffic running either side of a broad esplanade shaded by lines of trees. As they drove, Elodie caught glimpses of overgrown flower beds and a couple of dry fountains. Here and there, men were grouped loosely around concrete benches, some in suits, others in white cotton robes, seemingly everyone smoking.

‘Le voilà!’

The driver pulled up outside a set of high gates wrought in blue-painted metal, intricate detailing picked out in gold. Firmly closed. Through the bars she could see what must be the consulate building itself, some thirty feet back: Moorish arch set in the centre atop slender pillars, the walls that stretched either side rendered in perfect white stucco, date palms planted at orderly intervals to left and right. She was struck by the absence of regalia. The embassies she walked past in London were invariably bedecked in national flags and brass plates. Here there was no Union Jack, no ostentatious indication that this was UK territory. And between the gates and the building, a series of monstrous concrete roundels, each the size of a hot tub, arranged in such a way that no vehicle larger than a motorbike could possibly swerve a path through them.

She passed a twenty dinar note forward to the taxi driver, waving aside the coins proffered in change. He looked at her over his shoulder, and issued a stream of Arabic that sounded like a question. She smiled apologetically and shook her head.

He joggled his hand a couple of times, making the money chink in his palm. ‘Merci, madame!’

‘Ah! De rien.’ She reached for the door handle. ‘Au’voir.’

Out on the pavement, she couldn’t immediately see how to gain access. A pair of impassive sentries in battle fatigues, each cradling a submachine gun, flanked the archway into the building itself, but if it were part of their job to walk forwards and open the outer gates to someone evidently wanting entry then clearly no one had told them.She looked around for a buzzer or intercom. A sign on the wall caught her eye, blue lettering on a white panel, detailing the opening hours of the consulate and the ways of contacting duty staff when closed.If you are a British national in distress, and having difficulty reaching us on the emergency telephone number, please call the FCO Switchboard in London on [phone] for assistance.

Unbidden, she had a fleeting vision: a woman in profile, torrential rain dripping off curly brown hair, standing in front of these gates in the dark of a night time, clumsy fingers trying to punch those digits into a phone, her head and shoulders hunched forward in an effort to keep the screen dry. Bridie. In distress. A couple of thousand miles from home.The slenderness and tenuousness of the connection to someone of her kind, someone who might be able to help her.

The image made Elodie anxious. Next to the sign was a small recess in the wall, inside which she saw a telephone receiver. There was no keypad: when she picked it up and held it to her ear the ringtone was already buzzing.

‘British consulate. How may I help?’ The female voice was heavily accented.

‘Hello, it’s Elodie O’Shea. I have an appointment with the consul.’

The ante-room was empty. Elodie spent a few moments savouring the respite from the humidity and heat; she could actually feel her skin beginning to dry as the perspiration evaporated. She loosened the knot of her scarf and let it slide into her hand. She shook out her hair. What she would give for her hotel to be this gloriously cool.

The chairs were of dark wood, upholstered in red leather; wider, more substantial, plusher than those she’d found in the equivalent government waiting rooms back home. They had a feeling of age about them. In contrast, the walls were decorated with prints of contemporary London landmarks: the Gherkin, the Eye, the O2. On the table was a selection of British magazines. She was surprised to see they were the current editions. How amazing – yet, as soon as the thought occurred, how utterly likely – that there would be someone whose job it is to keep diplomatic outposts around the globe supplied with the latest glossies. She smiled to herself, and took a copy ofIdeal Homeover to a chair.

She flicked through, trying to find an article to capture her attention. Her thoughts kept drifting. She was aware of her shoulders dropping an inch or two. Ever since touch-down she’d been assailed by otherness. She’d disembarked down open steps directly on to the concrete of the taxiway, the idling jet engines loud in her ears. There was no bus; she’d had to walk from plane to terminal building in blistering heat, feeling conspicuous in her Western clothes. A group of bearded and blue-clad workmen, leaning on shovels, stared blankly at her and her fellow passengers as they straggled past. The relief she’d felt negotiating immigration without a hitch, only to find herself surrounded by a crowd of men claiming to be taxi drivers, pressing forward, calling out their stock phrases –Hello!Yes, please!Bonjour, madame!This way, please!– each jockeying with the others, hands trying to displace hers from the handle of her suitcase. She’d felt the full force of her vulnerability: none of the men had official ID, and few of the waiting saloon cars were even liveried as taxis. This clamour was about money, of course it was. The worst that could happen would be gross overcharging, and maybe a verbal tussle over being taken to the hotel she’d booked, rather than one that would pay the driver a commission. Yet what if the car she got into was driven by someone with another agenda? Someone for whom a solitary Western woman would be a prize beyond measure?

She hated that she even thought this way. She’d travelled a couple of times between the early rungs of her academic ­ladder-climb. Of course there was the occasional unfortunate who came to grief – a missing person, a body found, a rape ordeal – but these were the kinds of things that could happen anywhere, to anyone. There was a sense of being one of millions of young people criss-crossing the world, travelling cheaply, forming short-lived confederacies before parting company just as casually again, open to new experiences and ways of being. She’d felt part of a determinedly multicultural generation, one united around humanism and internationalism, one in which music and ideals combined into a force powerful enough to relieve famine and end apartheid. There’d been guilt to wrestle with: the poverty she encountered in India, particularly, was incomprehensible. There’d been hassle to deal with, too: with such disparity of wealth there couldn’t be otherwise. But not fear.

When had that come? After the twin towers, but not straightaway. Perhaps fear crept in once she became a mother, once she had her children’s futures to preoccupy her. Maybe fear had come when London was assaulted just days after Make Poverty History, just a day after winning the Olympic bid. Or was it no single event? More the drip drip of a hostage-taking here, an execution video there, a piracy and ransom elsewhere. Whenever it had come fear was now here,and she was upset by her seeming inability to prevent its distortions of her perception. The suspicion, the anxiety it engendered.

She closed the magazine on her lap; she wasn’t going to be able to read.When had fear come for Bridie?Hadfear come for her? Maybe that was what faith had done – blunted, reduced, removed her capacity to be afraid.

The door opened and a woman entered the ante-room. She was dressed in a cream linen skirt with a plain white blouse. Blonde with hints of grey, cut in an impeccable bob.

‘Dr O’Shea?’

Elodie nodded.

‘I’m Anne Armstrong. Peter’s wife?’

‘Oh! Pleased to meet you.’ She got to her feet. ‘Elodie.’

Anne’s handshake was firm: ‘I thought I’d pop my head in and say hello.’

‘Thank you.’

‘This must be awful for you. I’m so terribly sorry.’

Anne’s eyes were a crisp blue. She had the confident air of a barrister; her voice was warm and slightly low in pitch. Elodie guessed she would be in her mid-fifties, would have been a formidably attractive proposition in her youth.

Anne nodded, as if acknowledging the silence. ‘When did you get in?’

‘Just this morning. I couldn’t get a direct flight. I’ve been travelling all night.’

‘You must be exhausted. Can I get you some tea?’

‘No, I’m fine, honestly, thank you.’

Actually, she would have loved some tea. What was that about? Not wanting to be a nuisance? She was irritated with herself.

‘We didn’t know your sister. Peter only took up the posting in April.’

‘Of course.’ It hadn’t occurred to Elodie that the consul or his wife might actually have met Bridie. ‘Are there many ex-pats out here?’

‘There used to be, in the petrochemical industry – agriculture, too. Numbers declined dramatically during Peter’s predecessor’s time. There’s a few teachers left, and, of course, a few other missionaries.’

‘I’m not religious myself.’

Anne smiled. ‘Medical?’

‘Molecular biologist. At UCL.’

‘Ah, then you must know Brian Deerham. He’s a very dear friend.’

Anne gestured that Elodie should sit, and took the chair next to her. They fell into anecdotes about the vice-chancellor. How extraordinary to have come all this way and to meet someone with a common acquaintance. Then again, Elodie had the suspicion that wherever she’d happened to have worked or lived Anne would have been able to rustle up some kind of connection.The more she talked, the more Elodie could detect an echo of the teenage girl Anne must once have been – fresh-faced, enthusiastic, a palpable appetite for life. Elodie liked her; Anne reminded her of a certain sort of female academic – Rosie Glenn at Manchester, Penny Newton at UCL – who had been her inspirations and role models. Women whose brilliance was matched by an unremittingly outward focus – no place for self-importance or pomposity, there was simply too much to get stuck into and be determined over. Ever since she was an undergraduate, Elodie had aspired to the same – to succeed in her field, if that was what she was capable of, without aggression and without treading on anyone on her way. It saddened her to think that she may never realise it, that the vagaries of her life might mean that was now no longer possible. She began to wonder about Anne, whether she was where she had always dreamt of being, or whether she too had been blown off course by some ill wind it was impossible to resist. She began to formulate a question, some vague enquiry as to whether being a diplomat’s wife allowed a career of one’s own.

Before she could ask, the door opened and the receptionist appeared again to say the consul was free. Anne touched her arm.

‘I’ve got to head out, but we should talk some more. Leave a note of your hotel with Peter and I’ll get in touch. Perhaps you’d like to come for dinner?’

‘Thank you, that would be lovely.’ Elodie felt a flush of gratitude – something about that gesture of kinship amidst her current dislocation.Anne’s skin felt warm against hers as they shook hands in parting.

‘Bridie?’

Peter Armstrong looked momentarily confused.

‘That’s her real name – her baptismal name, I should say. Sebastian was the name she was given when she took her vows.’ Elodie spread her hands. ‘She’s named after a third century male martyr.’

‘Forgive me – I’d assumed it was a feminised form. You’d prefer me to call her Bridie?’

‘I’ve never call her anything else.’

Peter Armstrong transpired to be a slightly plump Scot, soft Edinburgh accent, sandy hair, his eyes pale blue. Elodie had him down as ex-Army – he had the same air about him as so many of Adam’s family’s friends – some sort of middle-ranking officer before leaving to join the diplomatic corps. Even though there were three small armchairs arranged around an occasional table at the far end of his office, he had elected to stay sitting behind his desk. Elodie felt scrutinised.

‘So what, in broad terms, do you want to achieve during your time here? And how we might be of assistance?’

It wasn’t that his tone was unfriendly. Just a contrast to his wife’s. She guessed he had to be businesslike in these sorts of things.

‘I’m really here on behalf of the family. To be sure that everything that could be done, has been done – is being done.’

He made as if to speak but she continued over him. ‘Iknow it is, the Foreign Office have been pretty good at keeping us updated, and Missing Abroad have been fantastic. But you can imagine what it’s like for my mother.’

‘Sure, sure.’ Peter looked at the pen held like a bridge between his hands. ‘My staff have been in liaison with the police in Beb, and have contacted every hospital and clinic in the region. If your sister were to turn up anywhere, we’d be informed. We’ve also, through our French counterparts, made extensive enquiries in the Ardennes, though there’s nothing to suggest that she’s left the country. Certainly not through any of the major ports or airports, anyway.’

The phone call from the convent in Reims, the first inkling that there was a problem. The Mother Superior, through a translator, asking Mummy when she had last heard from Sister Sebastian.

‘Was there a history of health problems?’

The euphemisms. The delicate skirting round.

‘She was one of the most robust characters you’re ever likely to meet,’ she told him.

‘You’re not convinced about the idea of a breakdown?’

‘Bridie had some pretty tough stuff happen to her. She always took it and did something good with it.’

Peter upended the pen, resting it on the desk so it was like a rocket. ‘Things can change, though, can’t they? As I understand it, her order had been noticing erratic behaviour for some time. They tried on several occasions to recall her, but she refused to leave. That’s unusual, isn’t it?’

‘Well.’ Elodie crossed her legs; rearranged the folds of her skirt. ‘We knew nothing about that. My mother saw her in the spring, the last time she was home, and there was nothing amiss then. That’s only six months ago.’

His eyebrows – even his eyelashes she noticed – were also blond. So pale as to be almost invisible. It gave his eyes a peculiarly exposed look. It must be hard sometimes for him not to appear to be staring.

‘I want to go to Beb myself,’ she said. ‘Probably in a couple of days, once I’ve been in touch with the bishop. Could you arrange for me to meet with the police there, so I can get a briefing in person?’

She could read the look on his face, the absence of any surprise. Of course he would have been forewarned.

‘I can arrange a teleconference with the Beb police for you.’

‘I have to go there. Actually see where she lived. Where she disappeared. Talk to people who knew her.’

‘What did London say?’

She exhaled. ‘Oh, they strongly advised against. Of course they’re going to say that – what elsecanthey say?’

‘They might have a point.’

‘They might. Or they might just be making it up, taking a precautionary approach. They weren’t fantastically keen on me coming here, even.’ She shook her head. ‘Anyway, it’s non-negotiable.’

Peter raised the pen, pressed its barrel against his lips. She was aware of a rising irritation: why couldn’t he just put it down? It wasn’t as though he was actually writing anything. The pen was like some token of his authority, something for him to hang on to.

After a moment he let his hands drop. ‘The last thing London wants is for you to run into trouble.’

‘So you’re saying Bridie has run into trouble, then?’

‘Of course not. We have nothing to suggest anything—’

‘Well.’

‘Look.’ He leaned forward slightly, resting his forearms on the desk. ‘The Arab Spring here amounted to a handful of street protests and some hurried constitutional adjustments – more like an April shower than an Arab Spring, in fact. This has always been a moderate country with a secular government. But it’s not immune to what’s happening elsewhere. The official line is there’s no Islamist threat, but we are aware of unrest. There’ve been demonstrations in the south and east, small scale civil disturbances, and at least two car bombs that have gone completely unreported in the official media. The president is a strong leader, and the security services have been very successful at disrupting the jihadis to date, largely because they don’t currently enjoy popular support. But the further away one gets from the capital, the less governed the space is. To be perfectly candid, it’s only a question of time before we see more. And when they do come we will very likely see them in areas such as Beb, well away from the centre, and they will very likely target Western interests of one sort or another.’

He laid his pen quietly on the desk in front of him. ‘Until we know for sure what has happened to your sister, we have to be precautionary.’

She sat staring at him for a few moments. His hair was thinning at the temples, just like Adam’s. It was curious how men receded at different ages.

She’d been through all this with the FCO. No one would press the alarm button over Bridie because there was nothing to say anything dreadful had befallen her. There had been nothing on any backchannels, she had been assured, but in the same breath she was told that meant little. In past instances of hostage-taking it had been months or even years before word was finally received. Sometimes word never was received; sometimes just a body turned up in some random place. These things weren’t about kidnap with a defined aim; they weren’t part of any tight tactical plan. They were about seizing assets when the opportunity arose. About having birds in hand. Or they were about engendering fear. Or generating a sense of senselessness.

The thought of Bridie. Caught up in something like that.

‘I don’t expect you to understand,’ Elodie told him, aware of the curtness in her tone but giving into the flash of anger. ‘We’re in a complete vacuum. As a family we saw nothing wrong, yet once it became clear Bridie had gone we hear all this stuff from her order about problems going back years. It’s impossible, back in the UK, to shed any more light on it. If I can go to Beb, talk to her parishioners, people who knew her day to day, I can at least get some idea of what’s gone on.’ She ran a hand through her hair. ‘I’m not some starry-eyed romantic – I don’t imagine I’m going to get there and track her down or anything, but at least if I can talk to people we might get a better idea of the truth.’

‘And this can’t be done remotely, through phone calls or email?’

‘No one seems to have the first idea who I should contact. It’s incredible, really, but her order don’t seem to have kept any records as to who her congregation actually were.’

He nodded his head very slightly, several times, as though counting something.

‘Will you be travelling alone?’

‘I’ve got a friend arriving in a couple of days. He’ll accompany me.’

‘Well, that’s something.’ He looked down at the blotter in front of him. ‘I would like to send one of my people with you, but I can’t.’

Was that a chink? ‘Can you put me in touch with an interpreter, a guide – someone local I can trust?’

‘I’m sorry.’ He breathed out. ‘It’s not that I’m unsympathetic.’

He looked at her directly. She found it hard to read his expression.

‘Listen,’ she said. ‘I understand your dilemma, but can we go off the record? Any assistance you give me would be strictly confidential. No one back home would ever know about it, there’d be no come-back on you, I promise. I’m responsible for myself.’

He pressed his lips together ruefully. ‘I do hear what you’re saying, Dr O’Shea, but I simply can’t. I’m sorry.’

There was no point antagonising him. But no point in prolonging the meeting if it was to be as fruitless as every other official contact she’d banged her head against before flying out.

‘OK, well, thank you for taking the time to meet with me at least.’

He got to his feet and accompanied her to the door.

‘Goodbye,’ he said, holding out his hand. ‘And good luck.’

‘Oh, I nearly forgot,’ she said. ‘Your wife asked for my contact details.’

‘Anne?’

She nodded, fishing a pen from her handbag. Peter stood silently while she wrote the name of her hotel on the back of one of her cards. He glanced at it when she handed it across.

‘Thank you. I’ll be sure to pass that on.’

Something about his expression looked discomfited, like that was the very last thing he was intending to do.

Two

She was onlyvaguely aware of the build-up, but there must have been a lot of preparation in the parish beforehand. The sort of thing that concerned only grown-ups. As a child she was carted along to mass every Sunday morning, and there was the youth club on Sunday evenings – the dread feeling as it came to an end each week, and she knew nothing now lay between her and the next day back at school. But that was the sum total of her involvement in parish life, leaving aside special classes for first holy communion and confirmation, and occasional outings to the social club, upstairs above the church hall, when her parents felt like venturing out for a drink.

The Jesuits arrived one Sunday, a team of three of them, invited by Fr Constantine to lead a parish mission. How old would she have been? Twelve maybe – so Bridie would have been about fourteen. An impressionable age. She supposed her parents must have gone to various adults’ events, though she had no recollection, but the fortnight saw a flurry of activities for the youth – games nights, art evenings, youth choir, Bible storytelling, folk group, morality Q&As. Twenty or thirty kids, all of them in their teens – the next generation. They worked up a special mass to be celebrated on the final weekend of the mission, everything done by the young people – they rehearsed dramatised versions of the readings, wrote the bidding prayers, decorated the church with the work they’d been doing in the clubs, appointed ushers and readers and collectors and musicians from within their ranks. Priests were always known by their surnames – Fr Smith, Fr Jones – but not the Jesuit who led the mission’s youth ministry. Fr Gerry. Gerry, really. An energetic nexus, full of vigour and vim and creativity. He played guitar. He was funny. Always willing to get stuck in and make of fool of himself: hopeless at rounders, toppling over at Twister, playing a goofy Pharaoh in the re-enactment of the Moses story. She couldn’t really remember what he looked like, beyond the fact that he had shortish brown hair and a moustache – the things that one remembers from childhood – but she could still recall the affection he inspired, the example he presented of what faith could look like away from the dour dry rituals of the everyday church.

She guessed it was what he was there to do: make connections, forge relationships. Inspire. In the space of those two weeks, Gerry became something to every one of the parish youth. He was a pied piper, a bewitching impresario. To some, perhaps, a massive, unattainable crush.

They were given Bibles at the start of the mission, a brand new copy for each of the parish’s youth. Good News translations, they were covered in fawn leather, a Celtic cross embossed in gold leaf on the front. They used them at several of the youth sessions, opened and shut them many, many times. There could have been no mistake.

Sometime after the missionaries had departed – soon enough that she was still missing Fr Gerry and all the colour and vitality he’d brought; was still in the same anti-climactic mood that she struggled with after the last nights of end-of-year shows – she’d opened her Bible again and found the inscription inside the front cover. Neat ink pen, the exact words long since lost to her, but their gist still with her all the same:Elodie, It has been such a blessing to get to know you, the wonderful person God has made in you. You are special in His sight. Listen carefully to Him; follow Him all your life, and He will lead you to fulfil all the promise He has for you. Bless you, Fr Gerry.

She may have been unable to remember the exact words, but just revisiting the memory caused a faint echo of the intense warmth that had bloomed inside her tummy when she’d stumbled across the dedication left for her to discover at some future, unspecified time. She’d been sitting on the stairs at home, the Bible open on her knees – that was her recollection, anyway. The sheer unexpectedness of finding the message, where no message had been before. The magical thrill of the words. Wonderful person. Special in His sight. All the promise He has for you.

She harboured the secret, didn’t tell a soul. She was special. So much so that Fr Gerry – jaunty, dashing, charismatic Fr Gerry – had gone to extraordinary lengths somehow to leave her an inscription in her personal Bible.

How on earth had he done it? She couldn’t work it out. She was sure there’d been nothing written in there as late as the last Sunday, when the mission had culminated in the youth mass. And after that the Jesuits had departed, moving on to the next parish, to their next mission. In the end she decided her parents must have been involved. It was the only explanation she could think of. Gerry must have asked them; they must have stolen the Bible away after she’d gone to bed, presented it to him. Perhaps he’d called round. Had he sat in their living room, pen in hand, writing while she’d been soundly sleeping?

She didn’t ask her mother, though. It was preferable to fantasise, to speculate, to dream. If she heard how it had happened – if her mother confirmed her idea – the words would have crystallised fantasy into concrete reality, and the lustre would have been lost.

A jealous thought began to take root. If he had done it for her, might he have done it for others? She dare not reveal her secret by asking her friends – the ground-swallowing embarrassment if she proved to be the only one – but there was a way. Next time Bridie was out, and when Mummy was busy downstairs, Elodie slipped into Bridie’s bedroom. Ears straining for any footfalls on the stair treads, she’d started to search for her sister’s Bible, trying to suppress a sudden and urgent need to pee. She found it in Bridie’s smalls drawer, took it out, carefully opened the front cover, and found the handwritten inscription inside. The virtually identical inscription.

She was crushed. She was not special. And while it was virtually identical, one word in this message for Bridie jumped out at her, a word that hadn’t appeared anywhere in hers.Vocation.

I believe you may have a vocation. Listen carefully to God; follow Him all your life, and He will lead you to fulfil all the promise He has for you.

That’s where it had all started. For Bridie. For her. She was sure of it.

Did Bridie ever sneak into her room, search out Elodie’s Bible when she wasn’t around? Did she notice the absence of the V-word and understand that, though duplicated, her inscription was beyond the ordinary? Or had she simply harboured her own secret, content to believe that she was the only one, kept the knowledge of her specialness closeted within her heart?

Three

Achambermaid musthave been in while she was at the consulate – the sheets were smoothed and the superfluous lightweight quilt was folded back neatly. She took her case and laid it on the foot of the bed, beginning what limited unpacking she was going to do.

The photos were always the first thing. Maddie, in Speedo cap, goggles up on her forehead, beads of water and a look of unadulterated delight on her face after winning the gruelling county two hundred metre freestyle final. Ollie, equally joyful, with a bundle of brown and white fluff on his lap, two button eyes peeping nervously out from the fur, taken just minutes after getting home from the breeder with eight-week-old Pogo. She placed the pictures on the table beside her bed, Maddie on the left, Ollie on the right. It was like writing a sentence: first-born at the start, second-born coming after. It was a ritual she’d observed throughout the years: every conference, international symposium, research seminar she’d travelled to attend. The photos were updated from time to time, but she always brought them – even though she had a zillion on her phone these days. Something about the physical presence of framed memories, making a hotel room a home from home.