The Hole in Your Life E-Book

Bob Rich

• Herausgeber: Loving Healing Press
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 128

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2025

Beschreibung

The Hole in Your Life by Dr. Bob Rich is a heartfelt, practical guide to understanding grief and healing from it. Rooted in personal experience-most notably the loss of his daughter, Natalie-and decades of psychological counseling, Dr. Rich offers readers compassionate tools for navigating bereavement. Drawing on real-life case studies, mindfulness techniques, and the "seven magic bullets" for wellbeing, he explores the complexities of grief, from anticipatory sorrow to finding meaning and renewal. Blending storytelling, humor, and therapeutic insight, this book serves as both a comfort and a roadmap for anyone experiencing loss, emphasizing that while grief is unique and unpredictable, growth and peace are possible.
"Thank you for asking me to read The Hole in Your Life. Its insights will help countless people struggling with loss. I recently lost my youngest sister, and it was a blessing to read your thoughts on the paths I can take toward remembering her in healthy ways."
-- Georgiann Baldino, author of A Family and Nation under Fire, and other books
"Dr Bob Rich's The Hole in Your Life is written from the heart. It shares his personal experience and many case studies with his clients, making research-based recommendations on how to process grief in a very readable and easy to apply manner."
-- Dr David Morawetz, counselling psychologist, grief counsellor, and founder and director, Social Justice Fund
"Grief is something that touches everyone's life at some point or another, so it only makes sense to empower ourselves with the tools to cope-and who better to learn from than Dr. Bob Rich, a psychologist with decades of experience helping patients overcome a wide variety of life's problems, including of course, grief."
-- I. C. Robledo, a bestselling author and editor in self-development.
"The Hole in Your Life is a good toolbox for coping with grief and I agree with all of it. Among the points that resonated with me most deeply are these ideas: grief is part of our life experience, so let's not be afraid of it; it is easier to recover from grief if you grieve before the person dies and suffer with them; and, that only way to learn from loss with meaning is through suffering, as long as it is not self-inflicted."
-- Alfredo Zotti, author of Music Therapy: An Introduction with case studies for mental illness recovery.

Leseprobe

The Hole in Your Life: Grief and Bereavement

Copyright © 2025 by Bob Rich, PhD. All rights reserved.

ISBN 979-8-89656-051-7 paperback

ISBN 979-8-89656-052-4 hardcover

ISBN 979-8-89656-053-1 eBook

Published by

Loving Healing Press

Tollfree (888)761-628

5145 Pontiac Trail

[email protected]

Ann Arbor, MI 48105

www.LHPress.com

Distributed by Ingram Book Group (USA, CAN, UK, AU, EU)

Contents

Natalie

Part I Finding a Path to Healing

A Glimmer of Hope

The Goal

Scheduling: Immediate First Aid

The power of NOW

Part II: The Nature of Grief

Part III: The Two Parts of Grieving

Loss

Compassion for the Departed

Part IV: Coping Techniques

Your Body is a Spacesuit for Surviving on this Planet

Grieving Is Something You Do

Wanting to go

I Hated Him but Now I Miss Him

Stuck in Grief

Anticipatory Grief

Grief for a Child

Supporting Grieving Kids

Part V: Finding Equanimity

Calm Acceptance, of Anything

Anger Is a Choice

Every Cloud Has a Silver Lining

Mindfulness-Based Grief Relief

Part VI: Seeing the Big Picture

Why Are We on this Planet Anyway?

And Finally…

References

About the Author

To my darling daughter, Natalie,

who had dedicated her all-too-short life

to being of benefit to others.

Natalie

One morning in May 2023, my daughter, Natalie, looked in the mirror to see that the whites of her eyes had turned yellow. Her skin had darkened. Her brother, who lives interstate, happened to phone her, and she told him about her changes as if they were something to laugh about. He said, “See your doctor, NOW!”

The doctor chased her off to a hospital, where they diagnosed her with advanced liver cancer. It was inoperable because it had started in the bile duct.

Nineteen months of medical torture later, she was dead. We are preparing for her funeral as I write, in December 2024.

This book on grief was almost completed, with only three sections waiting to be written, but I’d put it aside. I got it out and decided to make it my next project as part of processing my grief. And as on previous occasions when I’ve suffered the loss of a loved one, her passing allowed me to field test the many ways of coping with grief I’ll share with you.

I’d love to illustrate my daughter’s caring nature for you. In Australia, European wasps are a vicious invader species. Nevertheless, I have seen her save one from drowning. “They are living things, so deserve to be helped,” she said. She also invested hundreds of hours crocheting beautiful rugs for homeless people, many of whom are older women who live in their cars. Most people avoid a staggering drunk. In contrast, when the two of us were out on one of our enjoyable walks together, she insisted we help one cross a road, then we even escorted him home.

She was stubborn and insisted on having her own way, even from before birth. My wife and I lived on a scholarship and couldn’t afford a baby yet. Despite everything medical science could do, Natalie came along anyway. My wife went into labor, and then the baby stayed inside through 72 hours of contractions, until SHE had made up her mind to face the world.

When she was four years old, she insisted on starting school, and was so adamant that despite the hole it made in our finances, we enrolled her in a private school. One of my favorite photos is the class lined up by order of height. Natalie was on the end, a head shorter than the next shortest kid. But she could count to a thousand, “a THOUSAND, Dad,” and was best at all the academic stuff, something she maintained until graduating with a medal.

To conclude this trait, she planned her own funeral, which is to be a Purple Party. Everyone is required to wear something purple. Her sister, Anina, is to speak, and Natalie instructed her and the celebrant, who is a in her nineties but came temporarily out of retirement because she used to be Natalie’s client.

Natalie’s work was basically that of a small business counselor. Her delight was to save people from bankruptcy, to guide them to a long-term sustainable business, to act with wisdom. Like the celebrant, most of them became devoted friends for life.

As you can see, I love her immensely.

And yet, only days after her passing, I have peace in my heart, can enjoy a joke, and get on with the conduct of life. A typical thought is, “Thank heavens, she is at peace now, and no longer suffering.”

If I can do this, then perhaps you can, too, though there are never any guarantees. Everyone’s journey through grief is different. The “normal course of grief” usually takes one to two years and may even be longer. It is not a race but, if we make the right choices, it is a way of growing and becoming better people.

Part IFinding a Path to Healing

A Glimmer of Hope

I hope this little book will be a source of solace and healing for you. After all, why would you read it if you were not grieving?

I will also show you a path to becoming a stronger, wiser, better person after your period of grief. That can be your silver lining, and the way of honoring the memory of those you have lost.

Through the years, I have learned a great deal through formal training, personal experience, and, above all, from my clients. It is my honor and privilege to pass these tools for wellbeing on to you, whatever situation you face.

The COVID-19 pandemic has killed millions. Although not usually added up, the environmental catastrophe we are in has killed even more. There is gun violence, wars, some of which have gone on for decades, the unacknowledged epidemic of cancer... on and on.

This is not to sound a note of gloom, but to remind you that you are not alone. Losing loved ones is part of life and is the natural order of things. However much it hurts, in a sense it is normal. All through the ages, people have lost parents, children, life partners, friends. It may feel as if the terrible times will go on forever, but here is the first survival trick: step outside yourself for a moment and look around. If other people could somehow resolve their grief and be able to build a good life for themselves, then chances are you will, too, however impossible it may feel now.

Breaking a leg is a good analogy. It hurts, terribly. If all goes well, six weeks later the bone will have healed, and actually be stronger at the point of break than elsewhere. There may be complications such as an infection, so there are no guarantees, but mostly, life eventually goes on.

Grief is the emotional reaction to a loss. It can last a minute for having lost a friendly game, or for the rest of your life for the worst loss you can imagine: feeling guilt for the death of your child. One of the greatest joys of my career was being of service to a couple who had suffered this tragedy.

We’ll call them Margaret and Jim. They’d married two years before, but now both had returned to live with their parents, and sold their house and its contents. They were referred by two different doctors for being suicidal. When I found out they were a separated couple, I offered to refer one of them on, but both had specifically asked for me because of recommendations from ex-clients. I saw them individually for nine sessions each, then three more sessions with them together.

I won’t describe their tragedy, because it is guaranteed to trigger trauma for many readers. Let us just say that she was a little negligent, and he was a little careless, and as a direct result their toddler son died in a horrific way.

Later on, I’ll describe the tools that helped them, including what the three of us invented. For now, since even they could resolve their grief and emerge at the other end fully functioning, there is hope for you.

The Goal

Successfully resolving grief is not a matter of forgetting or replacing the person you have lost. Nothing will ever do that. People and even animals who have had a special place in your heart will stay there as long as you live. In time, though, if all goes well, the memory will usually be free of pain, and even involve a smile, or laughter when recalling a funny event.

There may be special days when the tears will come: typical are birthdays, anniversaries, and celebrations like Christmas. On these days, set aside time to honor the memory. This can be by yourself, or a shared ceremony with others who love the same person. Please read this little story: “A Different Christmas Tale.”

Alone or in a group, get out old photographs, bring to mind stories from back-then: all the good times, stories of this person’s influence into shaping you into who you have become, jokes and misunderstandings and so on. This is a “Remember when...” event. And yes, even a departed child or pet will have had an influence on your current way of being.

Natalie had a special ceremony of remembrance like this on the anniversary of the death of her cat, Leo.

For the rest of the year, life should go on, with perhaps weeks or even months without thinking of the dead person, but sometimes this can be several times a day, as appropriate reactions to events around you. We once had a dear friend who loved to serve up drinks that were HEALTHY for you. They were, but sour enough to convert your mouth into a tightly closed purse. So, when we bite into a fruit that proves a little sour, we refer to it as “a Beth.” This gives us a grin, and is a perfectly good way to remember her.

My wife and I regularly play a game while sharing a meal. This is “hoppity board,” a more complex version of Chinese checkers. My mother-in-law also used to enjoy this game but had a habit of picking up a marble and waving it around, then forgetting (or perhaps pretending to forget) which hole it came from. So, in my family, a class of actions is referred to as “doing a Mother,” always with a fond laugh. The other day, I lost a sock and looked for it everywhere. It eventually turned up in the pocket of my trousers, of all places. This was “doing a Mother.”

After the grief is gone, though the memory and loving stays, you will feel free to give the same love to new people. Widows and widowers may marry again. Parents of dead children can raise new ones. Even children of departed parents can adopt honorary parents. I have a “daughter” who has lost three parents: her mother died, eventually father remarried, then father died, then (beloved) stepmother, too. She became best friends at university with my daughter, Anina, and one day announced that she decided to adopt us as her new mother and father.

I assume that reaching this state feels impossible for you at this time. But, like that broken bone, an injury takes time to heal. As I’ve said, serious grief may take over two years to resolve. Remember that, and when you can, keep the goal in mind.

Scheduling: Immediate First Aid

Rose had nursed her husband at home through three years of cancer, and then he died. She had a responsible job, but three months later found herself still making mistakes. An unkind colleague delighted in “helpfully” pointing them out to her, and voiced the opinion that after three months, surely she was over it.

Well, no. That would be quite unusual.

Rose sought counseling after driving through a red light on two occasions. You see, until he got too ill, her husband was the invariable driver when they went out together. So, she’d be sitting at the wheel, thinking, John should be driving, and collapsed inside, with no attention left for anything else.

She and I together invented a tool I have used myself, and taught to hundreds of clients. It is useful for any all-consuming thought or worry, not only grief.

In her appointment diary, she wrote “John” for 5-7 pm, seven days a week. During those two hours, she gave herself permission to feel whatever she needed to feel, do whatever she needed to do. She could cry, rage at the unfairness of it all, or whatever else was necessary at her current state of grieving.

Any other time, like at work or driving, she reacted to a thought of grief by saying within her mind, Go away, love, I’ll talk to you at five o’clock.

This worked remarkably well for Rose, for me, and for everyone else who has given it an honest go. As long as you meticulously keep the appointment, the grief (or other consuming worry) is willing to wait for it.

Grief needs to be experienced. It needs to be felt—but not 24 hours a day. At first, like Rose did, devote two hours a day to it. Later, this can be gradually reduced, so at a certain point it might be half an hour every Sunday, or, as I said, eventually only on special days of remembrance.

It is a good idea to separate your scheduled grief period from your usual bedtime by a few hours, otherwise it can be whenever it is convenient.

Journaling

I am a writer and think in words. So, one of the natural activities during my scheduled grieving times has been a free-flow recording of my emotions, thoughts, motivations (or lack of them) as part of grieving. This works for grief, anticipatory grief, and any other emotional tyrant wanting to rob you of sleep, of joy, of life even.

I started a grief journal when Natalie was diagnosed, which means that I had nineteen months of grief processing when she died. This is probably one of the reasons I am functioning well enough to surprise myself, only weeks after her passing. Further along, I’ll discuss two more reasons.

A Love Story: The Transformative Power of the Twelve Steps by Nancy Oelklaus is about alcoholism and family secrets, but is also the account of how a wise woman dealt with the death of her husband, which had triggered her grief for her father. Her main tool was journaling: writing down her thoughts as they came to her, at first daily, then as appropriate. About half of this little book is excerpts from her journal.

Similarly, Hummingbird: Messages from My Ancestors by Diana Raab includes a beautiful, poetic account of how the author used poetry and journaling to heal from multiple sources of grief.

So, if it suits you, journaling can be an excellent activity during your scheduled times.