we don't talk about him anymore - Katharina Stertz - E-Book

we don't talk about him anymore E-Book

Katharina Stertz

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Beschreibung

can you imagine you meet your soulmate on a cloudy summer day on the other side of your display turning your life upside down I forgot to mention they are a celebrity and everyone thinks that I'm crazy I tried to get over it but the medicine traumatised me so I learnt to lie to survive I can't live without him and you can't imagine what I'd be capable of only for him you still think that I'm crazy yes, I'm crazy about him that's why I keep my mouth shut now we don't talk about him anymore anyways- here's a book I wrote about him a poetry novel

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Seitenzahl: 117

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2025

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trigger warning

This book contains sensitive content including bullying, obsession, mental disorders (psychosis), abuse, death, suicide, psychiatric hospital, eating disorders and other themes that may evoke discomfort for some readers. Please read with caution and if you believe that certain topics could be triggering for you, consider seeking support.

we don’t talk about him anymore

anyways-

here is a book I wrote about him

this is fiction

based on a true story

in free verse

some things really happened

others didn’t

I won’t tell you which is which

it’s not just about him

about one-sided

parasocial relationships

it’s about art, loneliness, shame

friendship, survival

and all the things

people don’t talk about

it’s about ten seasons of summer

finding the cracks of yourself

and gluing them together

it’s about being thirteen,

seventeen, twenty-one

and never feeling enough

it’s about obsessions

turning into insanity

but also finding a way out of it

even if you find it embarrassing later

and sometimes it hurts

reading about your past thoughts

and maybe it is terrifying to be seen

even by yourself

maybe some things weren’t even real

but it felt real when I lived it

the names were never mentioned

‘cause I am also just an unknown face

to someone

but I learnt that

there are people out there

who resemble you more than you know

and maybe they make you feel

a little less alone

three minutes

I picture myself

sitting in front of tv

it’s dark outside

if I turned my life

into a movie

this would be

the first scene

that’s how my story starts

or his story

my parents talk too loudly

maybe they discuss stuff

that I can’t understand

or I don’t want to understand

I wonder if they

ever loved each other

my eyes are glued

on a stranger

I swear

I have seen him before

he reminds me of myself

without ever being similar to me

why aren’t there guys like that at school?

this was my first thought

whoever is into parasocial relationships

and celebrity crushes is super weird

was my second thought

maybe I could see

how close I was

to take this tiny step

and reach the edge

because

I wish he was my boyfriend

was my third

and

I’m too young for him

was my fourth and-

it’s time to brush your teeth

and go to sleep

interrupted my mum

in every moment you choose this one

why not earlier

why not later

looking in the mirror

I was thinking of him

not knowing his name

not even his voice

will we meet again?

I asked myself

watching the water flowing

into the hole of the sink

watching my memory

merging with the water

as if nothing happened

three minutes that I missed

three minutes that

could have changed my life

this was the first time

I ever saw him

my best friend’s name is loneliness

last week

my mum asked me

do you have a crush?

at school?

I looked out of the open window

the green trees passing by

feeling the summer breeze

I was ashamed of this question

I probably blushed

or even smirked

you totally have a crush

tell me his name!

I really don’t have one

I said

you are such a liar

and I picked a name

of a random classmate

this was the lie

she wanted to hear

and I felt sorry for him

I mean

it would have been weird

that you don’t have a crush

on anyone

in your age

I was fourteen years old

I had no time to think about boys

I was worried

about my future

worried about

what was wrong with me

clock is ticking

the leaves fall from the trees

I have no friends

I have people I talk to

but I don’t call them

my friends anymore

I see them being nice to me

can I copy your homework?

I have super bad grades

but sure

maybe we can bond through

a piece of paper and a book

a third person

enters the room

no one talks to me

at least they talk to me

only sometimes

but they don’t invite me

on sleepovers

or birthday parties

they talk about plans

but I don’t hear my name

we went on a class trip

white mattress

on the cold floor of the corridor

they kicked me out of their room

I sit alone on the bus

when we drive back

I never talked much

the music talked to me

and when I talked

no one ever listened

they interrupted me too fast

maybe my voice was just too quiet

and in class I never raised my hand

because I was probably

the dumbest in the room

who had nothing to say

and I hear whispers

echoing in the staircase

she is so annoying and weird

I mean

what do people talk about

oh right

they talk about boys

and crushes

how to impress them

do you think he likes me back?

and I see them crying over break ups

I wish I had their problems

and at home

I make those online tests

google is my doctor

and I am obsessed over

figuring out

what is wrong with me

if there may be something

needing to be fixed

in my dark mind

and every year

I am scared of summer

when the warm morning sun

shines through the green leaves

of the trees

I feel my anxiety rising

and

I get my grades

they scare me of the future

it’s the end of the year

or the end of my life

my classmates are crying

waterfalls on the floor tiles

no one wants to say goodbye

they all go on vacation

I am the last one

that enters

and the first one

that leaves the building

and no one will miss me

I am happy to have a break

I count the days without their faces

I was crying, too

I was just scared

of going home

showing my grades

to my parents

even the people

I share a home with

don’t speak the same language

as I do

‘you should have

studied harder and

more and more and more

it’s just because you are

on your goddamn phone

all the time’

you need more interest

and discipline

discipline, discipline

I mean I like the things

we learn at school

I want to know everything

I want to know

how the things in this world work

they call me boring

my brain refuses to work with me

so stupid

‘cause mostly

I can’t understand

these words printed on the pages

looking like foreign letters

and my mind is wandering

to a foreign land

where people are waiting for me

who can understand me

at least my classmates

copy my homework

sometimes

let’s cut the summer scenes

it was just useless emptiness and heat

we begin another school year

full of failure

‘you need to study more

so you will never need to work

as hard as we do for you’

says mum

‘promise me

you study harder than last year’

‘I promise’

what a genius lie

I’m in the kitchen

mum made porridge

but I refuse to eat

hurting stomach

and I feel nauseous

but I know that I’m not sick

I put sugar inside

maybe I can trick my brain

to eat

tired

I walk into the class room

I always wake up

every night from nightmares

white corridors full of white doors

in different sizes

I don’t know what’s behind them

but I remember I was scared

I remember the cries I heard

I hate school

and the people

and interrogations

and homework

making me feel

like a failure

making me throw up

but I eat a lot instead

during breaks

or I cry in a bathroom

I refuse to talk to the others

even if I wanted to talk to someone

I am tired of the stares

or tired of not being noticed at all

I am never tired to be alone

I find comfort in my tears

locked up between white walls

and when I feel empty inside

sugar fills the void instead

money can’t buy friendships

chocolate and cake

are my only friends

giving me compassion

and all I can think about

is my art

waiting for me

when I come home

and I am waiting

to get lost

in the colours

I create

and when I come home

I am all alone

waiting for my parents

coming home from work

I sing alone in the living room

picturing myself

standing on a stage

no one will ever hear me singing

my anxiety curses my voice

it gets quiet and shaky

when I sing in front of the others

and yet grandma said:

‘she is going to be an artist one day’

and I dream

of another universe

of strangers

who can understand me

and I wish

I would never wake up again

and on weekends

I see them posting snapshots

of the club

between laughter

and blinking lights

trips to the glittering sea

wine and picnic under the sun

no one invites me

but I would have never went along

anyway

alone in my room

I plunge in my art

dissolving and merging

with my colours

losing myself

in my invented stories

I am just playing a role

of a fictional character

in my own story

and I feel understood

by people

I see in movies

I am wide awake

while everyone

is sleeping

but my thoughts

are too loud

past midnight

I want to leave

I don’t want to

wake up again

in the nights I dream of

drowning

my thoughts

would swim away from me

death would flow into my lungs

I talk to the moon

and to the stars instead

‘cause they never judged me

I have no reason to be sad

I love being alone

but why does loneliness

hurt so much sometimes

I dreamt of a relative

who passed away

some weeks ago

asking me to enter his car

so I did

because I missed him

so why should I refuse

and I was the only one

who could enter his small car

a bad sign

‘cause I could be the next

but I’m not scared

we were floating

through the universe

purple sky and the stars

is this what death looks like?

my wish to die

a shadow I carry around

a shadow that never leaves

but I know

death wouldn’t have chosen me

so early

because you know

you always pick

the prettiest flowers

on a meadow first

take me with you

no matter where you are

I hope you are in a better place

without war and without pain

without illness

without hopelessness

I think you would have hated this world

even if you never hated anything

I haven’t seen him so often

he was the embodiment of kindness

every memory with him

was filled with sun rays

and he called everyone

‘my little sunshine’

but without him

even if you see the sun at the sky

it doesn’t shine anymore

and the world is so cold

without his laugh

this was everything

I knew about him

and it was enough to know

to miss him

but is it enough to grieve?

you are not dead

if your heart stops beating

you die when people

don’t remember you anymore

when people

don’t talk about you anymore

and now I’m scared

of forgetting him one day

and when I hear

the joyful sounds of accordion

he lives a little bit longer

in my mind

they say

the saddest thing about death

is past tense like

he was kind

and he made this world a better place

but I think subjunctive

is worse

he would have been so proud of us

and I wish that I could have spent

more time with him

they read books to escape reality

I am watching videos of strangers

they won’t judge me

if I am invisible for them

and I listen to their music

giving me colours for my art

and I walk around

through the same grey streets

seeming less depressing

when I hear their voices

singing about their heartbreaks

I never understood

what love songs were about

if I never felt the same pain

I never listened to their words

I was intrigued

by the colours of their voices

my headphones are a part of me

an organ I can’t live without

the beat is my pulse

delivered from wires

like medicine

or drugs

when the music stops playing

my heart stops beating

I switch on my phone

and travel to another dimension

meeting my real friends in hologram shapes

living on the other side of the world

what do you mean

I am laughing about jokes

written by strangers

sharing our biggest secrets

while I am sitting

alone in my room

mum said

‘don’t talk to strangers on the internet’

at least their messages

give me compassion

it feels so healing

as if it’s real

white patches

on red wounds

of my hearts

and if we fight

it’s not that bad

we never cross paths

at the local grocery store

I chose my friends

but did they choose me, too

I wait for them to come online

until the make me forget

that I share my room

with my best friend

her name is loneliness

my popular classmate

she sits in the back row

of the classroom

secretly recording videos

for her page

one thousand followers

on instagram

and even more on tiktok

I believe

that it’s a lot

imagine you are so famous

you have fan pages

and people make

video edits of you

who didn’t dream

of huge numbers

on their pages, too

who didn’t dream

about being known

or being liked by everyone

like my favourite artists

I used to look up to

thinking

I want to be like you

if no one likes me

in real life

why would they like me

on the internet

she failed class

at least she was well known

and I failed, too

never payed attention

drawing on the papers

of my books

my parents and teachers said

I was so smart and gifted

but sadly I am lazy

sounds like wasted potential to me

I am just a failure

spreading false hopes

that I succeed one day

‘cause tell me

why am I the one

with the worst grades then

just because I spent my nights

listening to that one song

his only song about his heartbreak

and I thought

who was that girl

who broke his fragile heart

my only heartbreak

was failing at everything

like everything I touched

fell apart

instead of studying for school

I studied interviews

sleep deprived

I arrived at school

I wasn’t sad anymore

because he was on my mind

we weren’t similar at all

and yet I felt like

someone out there

on the other side of the screen

would have understood me

or even loved me back

if I changed or worked on myself

‘cause people mostly fall in love

with mirrors

I forgot to mention

I had many celebrity crushes