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can you imagine you meet your soulmate on a cloudy summer day on the other side of your display turning your life upside down I forgot to mention they are a celebrity and everyone thinks that I'm crazy I tried to get over it but the medicine traumatised me so I learnt to lie to survive I can't live without him and you can't imagine what I'd be capable of only for him you still think that I'm crazy yes, I'm crazy about him that's why I keep my mouth shut now we don't talk about him anymore anyways- here's a book I wrote about him a poetry novel
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Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2025
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trigger warning
This book contains sensitive content including bullying, obsession, mental disorders (psychosis), abuse, death, suicide, psychiatric hospital, eating disorders and other themes that may evoke discomfort for some readers. Please read with caution and if you believe that certain topics could be triggering for you, consider seeking support.
we don’t talk about him anymore
anyways-
here is a book I wrote about him
this is fiction
based on a true story
in free verse
some things really happened
others didn’t
I won’t tell you which is which
it’s not just about him
about one-sided
parasocial relationships
it’s about art, loneliness, shame
friendship, survival
and all the things
people don’t talk about
it’s about ten seasons of summer
finding the cracks of yourself
and gluing them together
it’s about being thirteen,
seventeen, twenty-one
and never feeling enough
it’s about obsessions
turning into insanity
but also finding a way out of it
even if you find it embarrassing later
and sometimes it hurts
reading about your past thoughts
and maybe it is terrifying to be seen
even by yourself
maybe some things weren’t even real
but it felt real when I lived it
the names were never mentioned
‘cause I am also just an unknown face
to someone
but I learnt that
there are people out there
who resemble you more than you know
and maybe they make you feel
a little less alone
three minutes
I picture myself
sitting in front of tv
it’s dark outside
if I turned my life
into a movie
this would be
the first scene
that’s how my story starts
or his story
my parents talk too loudly
maybe they discuss stuff
that I can’t understand
or I don’t want to understand
I wonder if they
ever loved each other
my eyes are glued
on a stranger
I swear
I have seen him before
he reminds me of myself
without ever being similar to me
why aren’t there guys like that at school?
this was my first thought
whoever is into parasocial relationships
and celebrity crushes is super weird
was my second thought
maybe I could see
how close I was
to take this tiny step
and reach the edge
because
I wish he was my boyfriend
was my third
and
I’m too young for him
was my fourth and-
it’s time to brush your teeth
and go to sleep
interrupted my mum
in every moment you choose this one
why not earlier
why not later
looking in the mirror
I was thinking of him
not knowing his name
not even his voice
will we meet again?
I asked myself
watching the water flowing
into the hole of the sink
watching my memory
merging with the water
as if nothing happened
three minutes that I missed
three minutes that
could have changed my life
this was the first time
I ever saw him
my best friend’s name is loneliness
last week
my mum asked me
do you have a crush?
at school?
I looked out of the open window
the green trees passing by
feeling the summer breeze
I was ashamed of this question
I probably blushed
or even smirked
you totally have a crush
tell me his name!
I really don’t have one
I said
you are such a liar
and I picked a name
of a random classmate
this was the lie
she wanted to hear
and I felt sorry for him
I mean
it would have been weird
that you don’t have a crush
on anyone
in your age
I was fourteen years old
I had no time to think about boys
I was worried
about my future
worried about
what was wrong with me
clock is ticking
the leaves fall from the trees
I have no friends
I have people I talk to
but I don’t call them
my friends anymore
I see them being nice to me
can I copy your homework?
I have super bad grades
but sure
maybe we can bond through
a piece of paper and a book
a third person
enters the room
no one talks to me
at least they talk to me
only sometimes
but they don’t invite me
on sleepovers
or birthday parties
they talk about plans
but I don’t hear my name
we went on a class trip
white mattress
on the cold floor of the corridor
they kicked me out of their room
I sit alone on the bus
when we drive back
I never talked much
the music talked to me
and when I talked
no one ever listened
they interrupted me too fast
maybe my voice was just too quiet
and in class I never raised my hand
because I was probably
the dumbest in the room
who had nothing to say
and I hear whispers
echoing in the staircase
she is so annoying and weird
I mean
what do people talk about
oh right
they talk about boys
and crushes
how to impress them
do you think he likes me back?
and I see them crying over break ups
I wish I had their problems
and at home
I make those online tests
google is my doctor
and I am obsessed over
figuring out
what is wrong with me
if there may be something
needing to be fixed
in my dark mind
and every year
I am scared of summer
when the warm morning sun
shines through the green leaves
of the trees
I feel my anxiety rising
and
I get my grades
they scare me of the future
it’s the end of the year
or the end of my life
my classmates are crying
waterfalls on the floor tiles
no one wants to say goodbye
they all go on vacation
I am the last one
that enters
and the first one
that leaves the building
and no one will miss me
I am happy to have a break
I count the days without their faces
I was crying, too
I was just scared
of going home
showing my grades
to my parents
even the people
I share a home with
don’t speak the same language
as I do
‘you should have
studied harder and
more and more and more
it’s just because you are
on your goddamn phone
all the time’
you need more interest
and discipline
discipline, discipline
I mean I like the things
we learn at school
I want to know everything
I want to know
how the things in this world work
they call me boring
my brain refuses to work with me
so stupid
‘cause mostly
I can’t understand
these words printed on the pages
looking like foreign letters
and my mind is wandering
to a foreign land
where people are waiting for me
who can understand me
at least my classmates
copy my homework
sometimes
let’s cut the summer scenes
it was just useless emptiness and heat
we begin another school year
full of failure
‘you need to study more
so you will never need to work
as hard as we do for you’
says mum
‘promise me
you study harder than last year’
‘I promise’
what a genius lie
I’m in the kitchen
mum made porridge
but I refuse to eat
hurting stomach
and I feel nauseous
but I know that I’m not sick
I put sugar inside
maybe I can trick my brain
to eat
tired
I walk into the class room
I always wake up
every night from nightmares
white corridors full of white doors
in different sizes
I don’t know what’s behind them
but I remember I was scared
I remember the cries I heard
I hate school
and the people
and interrogations
and homework
making me feel
like a failure
making me throw up
but I eat a lot instead
during breaks
or I cry in a bathroom
I refuse to talk to the others
even if I wanted to talk to someone
I am tired of the stares
or tired of not being noticed at all
I am never tired to be alone
I find comfort in my tears
locked up between white walls
and when I feel empty inside
sugar fills the void instead
money can’t buy friendships
chocolate and cake
are my only friends
giving me compassion
and all I can think about
is my art
waiting for me
when I come home
and I am waiting
to get lost
in the colours
I create
and when I come home
I am all alone
waiting for my parents
coming home from work
I sing alone in the living room
picturing myself
standing on a stage
no one will ever hear me singing
my anxiety curses my voice
it gets quiet and shaky
when I sing in front of the others
and yet grandma said:
‘she is going to be an artist one day’
and I dream
of another universe
of strangers
who can understand me
and I wish
I would never wake up again
and on weekends
I see them posting snapshots
of the club
between laughter
and blinking lights
trips to the glittering sea
wine and picnic under the sun
no one invites me
but I would have never went along
anyway
alone in my room
I plunge in my art
dissolving and merging
with my colours
losing myself
in my invented stories
I am just playing a role
of a fictional character
in my own story
and I feel understood
by people
I see in movies
I am wide awake
while everyone
is sleeping
but my thoughts
are too loud
past midnight
I want to leave
I don’t want to
wake up again
in the nights I dream of
drowning
my thoughts
would swim away from me
death would flow into my lungs
I talk to the moon
and to the stars instead
‘cause they never judged me
I have no reason to be sad
I love being alone
but why does loneliness
hurt so much sometimes
I dreamt of a relative
who passed away
some weeks ago
asking me to enter his car
so I did
because I missed him
so why should I refuse
and I was the only one
who could enter his small car
a bad sign
‘cause I could be the next
but I’m not scared
we were floating
through the universe
purple sky and the stars
is this what death looks like?
my wish to die
a shadow I carry around
a shadow that never leaves
but I know
death wouldn’t have chosen me
so early
because you know
you always pick
the prettiest flowers
on a meadow first
take me with you
no matter where you are
I hope you are in a better place
without war and without pain
without illness
without hopelessness
I think you would have hated this world
even if you never hated anything
I haven’t seen him so often
he was the embodiment of kindness
every memory with him
was filled with sun rays
and he called everyone
‘my little sunshine’
but without him
even if you see the sun at the sky
it doesn’t shine anymore
and the world is so cold
without his laugh
this was everything
I knew about him
and it was enough to know
to miss him
but is it enough to grieve?
you are not dead
if your heart stops beating
you die when people
don’t remember you anymore
when people
don’t talk about you anymore
and now I’m scared
of forgetting him one day
and when I hear
the joyful sounds of accordion
he lives a little bit longer
in my mind
they say
the saddest thing about death
is past tense like
he was kind
and he made this world a better place
but I think subjunctive
is worse
he would have been so proud of us
and I wish that I could have spent
more time with him
they read books to escape reality
I am watching videos of strangers
they won’t judge me
if I am invisible for them
and I listen to their music
giving me colours for my art
and I walk around
through the same grey streets
seeming less depressing
when I hear their voices
singing about their heartbreaks
I never understood
what love songs were about
if I never felt the same pain
I never listened to their words
I was intrigued
by the colours of their voices
my headphones are a part of me
an organ I can’t live without
the beat is my pulse
delivered from wires
like medicine
or drugs
when the music stops playing
my heart stops beating
I switch on my phone
and travel to another dimension
meeting my real friends in hologram shapes
living on the other side of the world
what do you mean
I am laughing about jokes
written by strangers
sharing our biggest secrets
while I am sitting
alone in my room
mum said
‘don’t talk to strangers on the internet’
at least their messages
give me compassion
it feels so healing
as if it’s real
white patches
on red wounds
of my hearts
and if we fight
it’s not that bad
we never cross paths
at the local grocery store
I chose my friends
but did they choose me, too
I wait for them to come online
until the make me forget
that I share my room
with my best friend
her name is loneliness
my popular classmate
she sits in the back row
of the classroom
secretly recording videos
for her page
one thousand followers
on instagram
and even more on tiktok
I believe
that it’s a lot
imagine you are so famous
you have fan pages
and people make
video edits of you
who didn’t dream
of huge numbers
on their pages, too
who didn’t dream
about being known
or being liked by everyone
like my favourite artists
I used to look up to
thinking
I want to be like you
if no one likes me
in real life
why would they like me
on the internet
she failed class
at least she was well known
and I failed, too
never payed attention
drawing on the papers
of my books
my parents and teachers said
I was so smart and gifted
but sadly I am lazy
sounds like wasted potential to me
I am just a failure
spreading false hopes
that I succeed one day
‘cause tell me
why am I the one
with the worst grades then
just because I spent my nights
listening to that one song
his only song about his heartbreak
and I thought
who was that girl
who broke his fragile heart
my only heartbreak
was failing at everything
like everything I touched
fell apart
instead of studying for school
I studied interviews
sleep deprived
I arrived at school
I wasn’t sad anymore
because he was on my mind
we weren’t similar at all
and yet I felt like
someone out there
on the other side of the screen
would have understood me
or even loved me back
if I changed or worked on myself
‘cause people mostly fall in love
with mirrors
I forgot to mention
I had many celebrity crushes