When The Ego Dissolved E-Book

Keketso Semoko

• Herausgeber: Europa Edizioni
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024

Beschreibung

What happened to Keketso Semoko at the beginning of 2020, is something that united the whole world. While reading her When The Ego Dissolved - Lockdown Diary we identify with many passages she recounts with great emotion.
That unforgettable Time of History made us feel humanity closer, in which many certainties have become confused and others well clarified. It’s true that we have rediscovered the simplicity of things, we have reclaimed our time, a life marked by care for ourselves, a way of organizing our own solitude, but also improve the quality of being in company, as well as finding space to fill in moment after moment with our loved ones, near and so far.

Keketso Semoko born in South Africa where she lives, she spent her childhood in Soweto, Johannesburg.
She holds a Bachelor of Arts Honors Degree in Dramatic Arts from the University of the Witwatersrand, Johannesburg. Also trained in Cinematography in Documentaries.
As an accomplished female actor of local and international Stage, Film and Television work spanning over thirty years she received accolades and awards, among others:
2008: NOMINATED: BEST ACTRESS: SOUTH AFRICAN FILM AND TELEVISION AWARDS
2007: WINNER: BEST ACTRESS: SOUTH AFRICAN FILM AND TELEVISION AWARDS
2007: AWARDED: MOSADI WA KONOKONO: Selfless Contribution in the Arts in Gauteng.
She is also a Producer for Television and Radio Drama and an Artistic Director.

Leseprobe

Keketso Semoko

When The Ego Dissolved

Lockdown Diary

© 2023Europe Books| London

www.europebooks.co.uk | [email protected]

ISBN 9791220145923

First edition: December 2023

When The Ego Dissolved

Lockdown Diary

Acknowledgements

Writing this diary of the lockdown was not a pleasant venture at all. My humble gratitude goes to Dr. Mothobi Mutloatse. Mutloatse was the first and only one to read my raw manuscript. As writing this diary was a lonely mission of memories of the days gone by, Mutloatse gave me the courage to open up my vulnerability to the world. He believed that someone would be interested in my diary of the lockdown. I am grateful for his precious time to read, meet and encouragement to go ahead and publish the diary.

Dr. Mothobi Mutloatse believed in the account memories of a lonesome woman from Soweto.

Also, I thank my family, friends, neighbours that kept the faith in the year of 2020. Thank you for the chats, calls and rare visits shared. They kept us going.

The heaviness of the lonely days were made slightly bearable in a distant community, but one all the same.

To Thandeka

Then came Master KG, ‘Jerusalema’. The song that glued the world together during the 2020 Lockdown. From the East to the West, the South to the North of the globe, everyone sang to ‘Jerusalema’. Everyone tried the step to feel the rhythm and everyone sang in their tone to deaf the misery of 2020. Just like Michael Jackson came with ‘Heal the World’ and with Harry Belafonte and Lionel Richie on USA for Africa, ‘We Are The World’ tells of oneness and hope on the horizon. In the depressing months of COVID 19 pandemic, the world sang and danced to

“… Jerusalema ikhaya lami (Jerusalem is my home)

Ngilondoloze (Guard me)

Uhambe name (Walk with me)

Zungangishiyi lana X2 (Do not leave me here)

Ndawo yami ayikho lana (My place is not here)

Mbuso wami awukho lana (My kingdom is not here)

Ngilondoloze (Guard me)

Zuhambe name …” (Walk with me)

Then there was a song I used to sing when I was little.

‘….ukuhlabelela, (singing)

kuyanthokozisa, (makes him happy)

odabukileyo-hlabelela…’ (he who is sad, sings)

The world needed a song to sing.

Preface

So, let’s start at the beginning.

I started this journey of the Lockdown Diary, just to record my emotions and my transitions through the entire period. Living alone is a challenge. Coupled with the restrictions of staying put, makes the lonesomeness more complicated. The South Africa of today as we know it, has never been under such restrictions. In 1978, under the then apartheid regime of oppression, the government of the time tried to suppress the uprising of the people against its apartheid laws by instituting the state of emergency. Though the economy was still open and people were allowed to go to work, many restrictions were in place and a curfew was instituted. This was directed at the “non-white” population in the country.

The Lockdown was a stark reminder of the past. The presence of the army did not make it any easier. All the mind knows, is that freedom is denied.

In these modern times, with the advancement of science and technology in medicine, the world over was faced with a crisis of some unprecedented magnitude. The world had a medical crisis. A virus that had no antidote, had surfaced from the east of the globe in China. COVID-19. The Corona Virus Disease of 2019. For its behaviour, fast pace and deadly manifestation, perhaps it is the deadliest virus of our time.

So, in the month of March, the President of the Republic of South Africa, Mr. Cyril Ramaphosa, went on to address the nation. He announced new measures to combat the spread of this deadly virus on our shores, which we were not able to escape. No country in the world was spared from it. He started by announcing the social distancing strict regulations to be followed, coupled with the limitation on pub drinking and sit- down restaurant times. All these were under a new regulation called, ‘Disaster Management’. It was a gazetted regulation that gave the President power to institute whatever measures he deemed fit, in light of combating the virus.

Little did we know that, The Disaster Management Act, was here to stay for much longer than the twenty one days stipulated earlier.

This was the turning point for me. As much as my personal freedom was interfered with, with much understanding and respect in relation to the pandemic, I knew that life was turning down south. All the dreams and hopes that I had planned for the year 2020, were shattered. There was no escaping to anything let alone anywhere. I was puzzled as to what am I to do for an income. How was I going to get my plans resuscitated when the country is shutting down?

The country was under Lockdown. My life and many other millions around, were under Lockdown.

Birds in the sky got confused. They did not take to flying on this morning of the 27th of March 2020. There were no aeroplanes in the sky. There were no buses, trains nor taxis ferrying people to work. There was no work to go to. Businesses had shut down. All industries halted. People were scared to greet their neighbours over the walls. The world was quiet. For all we knew, this could be the beginning of the end of life as we had come to know this planet Earth.

There were many conspiracies about the end of time. Some pointed to the scriptures of the Bible. Some spoke of the prophetic writing of old. We all froze in time. We all searched the meaning without any answers. We found and unearthed many words spoken in the past and gave meaning to them so we could be consoled in our minds as we lullabied ourselves to sleep at night. My memory was jolted up. In the 1980’s, there was a Television series called “V”, on the South African small screens. I thought of that series, where, the population were under siege due to the unwanted and unwelcomed alien visitor who was destructive. In the series, the hero came along to fight on behalf of the community. The battle was won. Unlike in the Television series, in 2020, the virus was spreading further throughout planet Earth and never losing power of its destruction. In our real world, there is no hero. We do not know where to find answers and yet we think we know the source of it all. For all we know, God is finally in charge. Perhaps, we are finally in charge of our collective destruction of Earth. Maybe this is our collateral damage.

So it was, that, at this time, I decided on a personal challenge to write, The Lockdown Diary. I was scared. As much as I knew that, in life, the only thing that is certain and always keeps its promise is change, I was still unsure of what to expect and how to navigate myself around this. All I knew was that my thoughts and experiences of these uncertain and challenging times, will be worth reflecting upon someday. I actually thought it would be a good idea if as many people could be on the journey of their diaries so we can as a collective recount our separate and individual experiences and tell each other what the universe was whispering to each one of us, if and when, we survive and come out the other side well and alive. I challenged a few friends and family members on the diary recordings of the Lockdown days. At such times, fear often outweighs tenacity. I journeyed as long as I could with my journal. I endured it and in this journey, my ego dissolved.

The entire period, amplified how insignificant my ego was. I had no access to a television. Since I was not working from the beginning of January 2019, I had depleted my savings by February 2020 and had ran out of funds for my up keep, which meant some of the other usually accessible amenities, I had decided to do away with. Full Boutique channel viewing, was one of those. I was reluctant to go into my investments and retirement funds, though I could but I held back.

In 2019 September, I had decided to re- invest all my retirement annuity when it matured. I resisted the temptation in the beginning though my financial stability was starting to crumble as the Lockdown hit. In hindsight, my misfortune was my blessing. While I missed my addiction to news and current affairs, my eyes were spared the sorrows of the world. I did not see the devastation of the dying and the many thousands buried with no loved ones to bid them goodbye with flowers and farewell songs for their departure. My soul was spared the pain it could not bear.I heard on radio but never witnessed with my eyes what my memory would lament for a long time.

It was the beginningof my quiet time. This quiet time made me to remember who I was a long time ago. It made me to remember who I was before I came to know the modernisation and the fast paced life that took charge of me. I started to remember and yearn for the simple things in life that had shaped my childhood and brought delight to my upbringing. The days when we had no television but only radio stories for our entertainment. This was the time that brought me closer to myself. I remembered. I learnt to appreciate the little things in life. I learnt to slow down and savour the little moments, one at a time. The little moments made up all my days. I got so in touch with nature. I sat in the garden and read a book. I noticed the butterfly hopping around. I remembered to look up to the sky at night and see the infinite stars. I remembered the colour of the sky in the daytime as I had forgotten to look up. I delighted in children’s laughter from a distance. I recognised the beauty of my house, in a different way. I touched base and talked little, yet important things with loved ones. I used my hands to make food in my kitchen and shared pictures of with family and friends. A cup of coffee in the morning, became an event. For the first time in many years, I had no plans for tomorrow and the day after. I now had time to myself and no one else. I looked in the mirror and appreciated the time alone with the little fine lines starting to form around my eyes. I then suddenly remembered that, I was with a power that I had forgotten sometimes, or taken for granted from time to time. Deep down at the emptiness of my breathing, therein lay that super power beyond measure. God. God the Source of Life, was comfortably smiling at me. I had no choice but acknowledge and sit, watch, listen and smile back. There were silent whispers that tickled my innocence. I needed to accept my new found silence and live in it.

There was no one human, to share my quietness with except for this Being inside of me. It just sat there quietly with me. There was no interference from it. As I was listening to perhaps hear it, it also listened to my silence without a twitch. That is when my ego came undone. The self that was false and always imposed on my being and demanded that unknown narrative to be loud, had nowhere to go. It was forced by the Lockdown to sit still and listen to the silent whispers that were talking in loud yet soft command. Just like when the Sun is up in the sky, the Stars seem to disappear, the brightness that illuminates beyond any comprehension, was radiating in me.

The ego dissolved. In the quietness and stillness of the many nights that followed, this radiant Light was there and yet, I could still see the Stars clearly up in the Sky. All was in the unfathomed silence that was awaiting my arrival. When I did finally go in there to this pleasant inner place, welcomed by the Source that created me, the ego left in a hurry. It had no place anymore. Sitting eating my morning porridge quietly, it dissolved in that silence. Swallowed by my awakening. Plain and simple.

So, this is the simple me, presenting,

When The Ego Dissolved: The Lockdown Diary

27th

24/3/20                              22h30

Friday: Day 1

It’s late at night as I reflect on the first day of the National Lockdown, to try and win the battle against COVID 19.

So, I was up this morning at 7 am, to absolute silence. Not even birds outside my bedroom window in my little garden were singing. They must have known that it was Lockdown period. Absolute silence except for the travelling cars on the N1 freeway. Even they were few and seemed to be at a far distance.

The streets were quiet. I went outside to the gate, and all was dead quiet. People seemed to be quiet. So, I came in to make myself comfortable and said a short gratitude prayer.

I then had a cup of hot water and just sat on the bed and looked out the window, surprised at the peace and quiet from outside.

I had rolled oats, raisins and yogurt for breakfast. Then I had a body-cleaning and changed.

The garbage man came today. They missed coming yesterday. They too seemed lonely in their task.

Today, I cleaned the garage and found a bag with old money for posterity. I also found two valuable books that belonged to my niece, Nthabiseng (Swazi) Nkosi. Trumpets and Tumult: The Memoirs of aPeacekeeper. The other is, Documents on the Laws of War.

I had soup for lunch. Tidied the house and took pictures of the quiet deserted street. I also took photos of my country flag, which I hung yesterday, just outside the house in the yard. I feel so proud for doing that.

I am getting ready to go to bed to face Day 2 of Lockdown. Abbey Lincoln is playing in the background. There is no television. I am glad it’s off, otherwise I would be tempted to sit and watch and feel depressed. My blessing in disguise.

I am thankful for the day.

I will now write my gratitude diary and turn myself in.

Gratitude Diary.

Thank you for the peace and quiet on Day 1 of the Lockdown.

28/3/20                              23h00

Saturday: Day 2

It is an hour before midnight, Day 2 of the Lockdown. As I am about to make this journal entry, I noticed that yesterday was such a heavy day. I wrote a wrong date.

Today, was more eerie than yesterday. The weather was not as sunny. There were too many clouds and that nippy cold winter hung in the air.

I called the police (10111) around 10am. They (the police) came to disperse a group of boys hanging around, outside my house, smoking marijuana (smoke coming into the house and their excessive noise). Otherwise, it was a lazy day.

After breakfast and a shower, I tried to tidy but could only manage to do the kitchen, bathroom and toilet. I was lazy and allowed myself to be so.

I then spent a good hour in the afternoon busking in the sun. My back was warm and I felt good. I then took a walk in my small front garden.

I decided that, tomorrow, I switch off from social media. I must quiet my mind so I don’t let myself be anxious. This is the new normal. Learning to surrender.

Gratitude Diary

…………………..

29/3/20                              22h30

Sunday: Day 3

This Sunday, was different from all Sundays I’ve observed in my life. Today, there was no going to church. Instead, church was on the internet, streaming.

No worship.

At 9am, I sat down for my prayers. Today, the readings (Anglican Lectionary) were about the miracles that God can create and manifest, so we can all believe. In the book of Ezekiel, the bones were brought to life. In the Gospel, Lazarus was brought back from the dead. In Romans, St Paul reminds us that God can breathe life into us as we feel discarded and hopeless. We need not lose hope. It was at 10am, when I finished the morning self – service, I then had the spiritual communion prayer. After this, I made a short prayer.

Then, the world stood still. There was absolute silence. No distant car sound. No fridge sound. No neighbour’s child or dog sound. Just absolute quiet, except for the clock on the wall and the cooing dove on the roof. The world was quiet for a solid 5 minutes. Maybe this is the new normal. The world will be more quieter, as of now?

I then got on with my cleaning business after breakfast. I did some underwear laundry as well. Today, I decided not to be on the phone all day. I did not miss it. I decided yesterday that I want to be less anxious and not know through others about the happenings in the world. Twice only, did I tune in to the news that’s all. Since my Television is off, I am less anxious and talk less to myself as I am not aggravated by anything.

Today, I am a little calm and less anxious.

I am good.