Why Is My Teenager Feeling Like This? E-Book

David Murray

• Herausgeber: Crossway
• Kategorie: Religion und Spiritualität
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2020

Seitenzahl: 183

Beschreibung

Many parents of teenagers know the feeling: instead of the confident, happy, hopeful young adult they hoped to raise, they see an anxious, depressed, scared teen. What can they do to help? Adults play a vital role in guiding teenagers through anxiety and depression, and this book by pastor and counselor David Murray gives spiritual encouragement and practical direction for parents and other adults who want to help but don't know what to do. A companion volume to Murray's Why Am I Feeling Like This?, written for teenagers.

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“In a day and age when many parents, even Christian ones, feel as though they are ill-equipped to parent their children facing all sorts of issues, along comes David Murray to give us a powerful parental tool in shepherding our children who battle anxiety and depression. With this book (and the accompanying student version), parents no longer have to be or feel ill-prepared to navigate such overwhelming issues. I just wish I had this book years ago.”

Ed Stetzer, Executive Director, Billy Graham Center for Evangelism, Wheaton College

“Parenting is good for our prayer lives, we find, especially when sons and daughters are navigating the many anxieties that seem to coincide with the teenage years. David Murray has the practical experience and spiritual wisdom to help. Based in biblical truth and at the same time sensitive to the psychological and physiological complexities of human emotions, Murray’s companion guides tell real-life stories that empower teens and their parents to understand their feelings, care well for one another, and take concrete steps toward healing together.”

Phil and Lisa Ryken, President, Wheaton College, and his wife, Lisa

“In this book, David Murray comes alongside parents who may be willfully naive about or find themselves completely overwhelmed by how to help their child deal with depression, offering understandable explanations of the issues and equipping them for important conversations.”

Nancy Guthrie, Bible teacher; author, Even Better than Eden

“Parents are the most influential and important individuals in their teenager’s life. But often parents struggle because they don’t understand what their teen is feeling. This can be especially true of parents of teens dealing with anxiety and depression. In Why Is My Teenager Feeling Like This?, Murray provides a remarkable resource for those parents. Thoroughly researched and filled with practical, biblical strategies, this is an absolute must-read for parents who want to help their struggling teen more effectively.”

Jaquelle Crowe Ferris, Founder and COO, The Young Writer; author, This Changes Everything

“Parenting a teen who is riddled with anxiety or depression can be a daunting and overwhelming journey. Parents are often plagued by questions: How did this happen? Did I cause this? Has God abandoned us? In his compelling resource for parents, Why Is My Teenager Feeling Like This?, David Murray restores hope by providing both practical insight and meaningful strategies that promote healthy change. This is a must-read for parents navigating the darkness of depression or anxiety!”

Emilie DeYoung, Supervisor for Child and Adolescent Counseling, Family Wellness Center, Zeeland, Michigan

“With anxiety and depression at an all-time high in today’s teens, this book could not come at a more crucial time. As someone who battled anxiety and depression as a teen and now navigates it with her own child, I found Why Is My Teenager Feeling Like This? to be an extremely practical, helpful, biblical, and hopeful book. Rather than giving spiritually cliché answers to a complex and multilayered issue, David Murray compassionately walks alongside hurting and overwhelmed parents, offering clarity, understanding, and wise counsel in how to better understand their teens’ unique battles with anxiety and depression, as well as providing the practical and spiritual tools to support them through it. Whether you have a teen or want to prepare for the teen years, this book is a must-read. And you never know, you might even see yourself in these pages and find a path toward your own healing along the way.”

Sarah Walton, coauthor, Hope When It Hurts and Together through the Storms

“This book has opened our eyes to the real nature of our son’s struggle with anxiety and depression. It has helped us to communicate with him more effectively, empathize more lovingly, and turn our hearts from criticism to encouragement and understanding. It has made a difference in our relationship with our son, our family, and, most importantly, with Christ! The practical exercises not only helped our son but are also making an impact in our own lives as well. If you have a child who is fighting for hope, meaning, and relief from the death grip of anxiety and depression, we highly recommend this book!”

Layne and Tanya, parents of a teenager

“I wish I had this book when I first entered youth ministry. David Murray’s discussion of who gets anxiety and depression, what causes these feelings, and what we can do to help teens we care about is compassionate, insightful, and tremendously helpful. His extensive list of tools to help teens toward healing is excellent, but his advice on how to partner with teens and how to walk alongside them in the process is what makes this book so valuable. Why Is My Teenager Feeling Like This? offered insights into my own moments of anxiety while also giving me practical wisdom for caring for teens.”

Christopher Walker, Associate Pastor for Youth Ministry, Westminster Presbyterian Church, Lancaster Pennsylvania

“Whether you are unfamiliar or well-acquainted with anxiety and depression, David Murray’s Why Is My Teenager Feeling Like This? will equip you with practical tools and theological truth as you shepherd your teen. I know I will return to this book when I’m anxious or when I need to support a loved one who is. Highly recommend it!”

Kristen Wetherell, author, Fight Your Fears; coauthor, Hope When It Hurts

“In these days of rising anxiety and depression, parents of teenagers need an accessible, empathetic, and wise guide. David Murray’s books team up to provide parents and teens with a way to communicate hope and give grace to one another in these perplexing struggles. Pastors and youth workers will find in Murray a patient and seasoned coach in their efforts to care for anxious and depressed teens and their parents.”

David Sunday, Lead Pastor, New Covenant Bible Church, St. Charles, Illinois

Why Is My Teenager Feeling Like This?

Other Crossway Books by David Murray

Exploring the Bible: A Bible Reading Plan for Kids

Exploring the Bible Together: A 52-Week Family Worship Plan

Meeting with Jesus: A Daily Bible Reading Plan for Kids

Refresh: Embracing a Grace-Paced Life in a World of Endless Demands with Shona Murray

Reset: Living a Grace-Paced Life in a Burnout Culture

Why Am I Feeling Like This? A Teen’s Guide to Freedom from Anxiety and Depression

Why Is My Teenager Feeling Like This?

A Guide for Helping Teens through Anxiety and Depression

David Murray

Why Is My Teenager Feeling Like This? A Guide for Helping Teens through Anxiety and Depression

Copyright © 2020 by David Murray

Published by Crossway1300 Crescent StreetWheaton, Illinois 60187

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publisher, except as provided for by USA copyright law. Crossway® is a registered trademark in the United States of America.

Published in association with the literary agency of Legacy, LLC, 501 N. Orlando Avenue, Suite #313-348, Winter Park, FL 32789.

Cover Image and Design: Crystal Courtney

First printing 2020

Printed in the United States of America

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked KJV are from the King James Version of the Bible.

Scripture references marked NKJV are from The New King James Version. Copyright © 1982, Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission.

Trade paperback ISBN: 978-1-4335-7075-9 ePub ISBN: 978-1-4335-7078-0 PDF ISBN: 978-1-4335-7076-6 Mobipocket ISBN: 978-1-4335-7077-3

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Murray, David, 1966 May 28– author. | Murray, David, 1966 May 28– Why am I feeling like this?

Title: Why is my teenager feeling like this? : a guide to helping teens through anxiety and depression / David Murray.

Description: Wheaton, Illinois : Crossway, 2020. | “To accompany Why am I feeling like this? a teen’s guide to freedom from anxiety and depression.” | Includes bibliographical references and index.

Identifiers: LCCN 2019047127 (print) | LCCN 2019047128 (ebook) | ISBN 9781433570759 (trade paperback) | ISBN 9781433570766 (pdf) | ISBN 9781433570773 (mobipocket) | ISBN 9781433570780 (epub)

Subjects: LCSH: Anxiety—Religious aspects—Christianity. | Depression, Mental—Religious aspects—Christianity. | Depression in adolescence—Religious aspects—Christianity. | Teenagers—Mental health. | Parent and teenager—Religious aspects—Christianity.

Classification: LCC BV4908.5 .M873 2020 (print) | LCC BV4908.5 (ebook) | DDC 248.8/45—dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019047127

LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019047128

Crossway is a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.

2020-06-12 01:31:13 PM

This book is dedicated to all Christians who give their time and hearts to counseling struggling teens. May God bless your faithful and loving service.

Contents

Introduction: Why Is My Teenager Feeling Like This?

Who Gets Anxiety and Depression?

What Causes Anxiety and Depression?

What Can We Do about Anxiety and Depression?

 1  Circular Sarah

 2  Tense Tom

 3  Doomed Dave

 4  Imaginative Imogen

 5  Panicky Paul

 6  Faithless Flavia

 7  Controlling Colin

 8  Depressed Dan

 9  Negative Nicole

10  Workaholic Will

11  Beautiful Brianna

12  Media Max

13  Friendly Fiona

14  Bullied Benton

15  Rebellious Rob

16  Perfect Peyton

17  Paralyzed Pam

18  Lonely Luke

Conclusion: Growing Freedom

General Index

Scripture Index

Introduction

Why Is My Teenager Feeling Like This?

Why is my teenager feeling like this? Have you ever looked at your adolescent son or daughter and asked this question? You poured your life into your children. You provided for them in every way. You set them up for success. But now they are sinking. They can’t get out of bed. They don’t want to go to school. They can’t function. They spend hours locked in their bedroom. They are nervous wrecks. This was not what you dreamed of. Instead of a confident, independent, happy, hopeful young man or woman, you now see a depressed, anxious, and empty soul.

Why is my teenager feeling like this? What went wrong? And what can I do about it? These are the questions that this book will answer. I wrote it to accompany Why Am I Feeling Like This?: A Teen’s Guide to Freedom from Anxiety and Depression. As teens read that book, I hope parents (and teachers and pastors) will read this book alongside them. Rarely will teens recover from anxiety or depression without adult help. The adults closest to them have a vital role to play, and this guide will help parents and adult mentors minister to hurting teens.

Three Differences

This book differs from the teen book in three main ways. First, it provides more advanced information about teen anxiety and depression, the kind of information that would have made the teen book too long and complicated.

Second, it contains three extra sections at the beginning to help you understand anxiety and depression better: “Who Gets Anxiety and Depression?”; “What Causes Anxiety and Depression?”; and “What Can We Do About Anxiety and Depression?”

Third, and most importantly, this book gives spiritual encouragement and practical direction for parents and other adults who want to help but don’t know what to do. It will show how much you can contribute, and how many resources for healing God has placed in the hands of his people. Yes, there is hope in the midst of despair.

Working Together

Apart from the extra sections at the beginning, the adult book follows the same structure as the teen book. This makes working together a lot easier. There is some overlapping content in the two books, maybe about 5 percent, but the vast majority of this book is new content tailored for parents and other adult mentors. You can therefore read this book as a stand-alone, but I recommend that you read the teen book as well if you want to provide the most help for your teen.

There are two ways of working with your teens. First, and ideally, you can do it in a structured way. You set up a time, say fifteen to thirty minutes every few days or every week, to discuss the book a chapter at a time, and go over the verses, prayers, and questions together. You can ask them to comment on what they learned from their book, and you can share what you learned from your book.

Although this is the ideal, as we know, teens don’t always conform to ideals—which brings us to the second, more informal approach. You get both books and ask your teen to read his while you read yours. But you don’t set up times and sessions for discussion. You simply try to understand and help your teen more casually and try to talk as opportunity arises. You will be growing in knowledge and usefulness as you read, but you are really at your teen’s mercy as to how much input he allows you to give. His book encourages him to involve his parents or an adult mentor, so hopefully he will eventually drop his defenses and let you in.1

If he won’t read his book or engage with you at all, it’s going to be more difficult to make progress, but if you read both books, you’ll be able to understand your teen better and also help him in practical and spiritual ways, perhaps without him realizing it.

Team Members

In addition to your own involvement, I encourage you to add other team members as finances and opportunity allow. For example, you might want to involve your doctor, your pastor, a Christian or biblical counselor, or a mental health professional. Depending on the severity of the depression or anxiety, your teen may need the more specialized help a doctor or another specialist can provide or put you in touch with. If you think your teen has suicidal thoughts, you must act immediately and get outside help. Look out for phrases such as:

“I want out.”

“There’s no reason to live.”

“I’m done with life.”

“I can’t take the pain any longer.”

“Everyone would be better off without me.”

At the very worst, remember there is a National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, available twenty-four hours a day, every day: 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Who Gets Anxiety and Depression?

If you are a parent of an anxious or depressed teen, you might feel as alone as your child does. Like your teen, you feel there’s no one else in this situation. You might even have decided you’ve failed as a parent. Why is my son or daughter like this when all my friends’ kids are fine and flourishing? What have I done wrong?

If you’re a pastor or teacher, you will have more experience of anxious teens, but you probably still feel confused about it. You can’t figure it out. Sometimes the kids you least expect suffer in this way. Why? If we want to help our teens, we have to start by understanding who gets anxiety and depression.

Teen Anxiety and Depression Is Common

Many anxious teens will feel as if they are completely weird, that no one else is like them or understands them. They look around at their peers and can’t imagine anyone else their age feeling like they do. They see the carefully curated social media images of perfect, happy, and confident classmates and conclude that they are the odd one out. Ashamed and embarrassed, they withdraw from friends, family, and social occasions, to suffer alone in lonely isolation. “I’m just weird,” they conclude.

One of the best things we can do for our teens is to explain to them that many teens suffer in the same way. Despite what the social media feeds communicate, the reality is that teen anxiety is at epidemic levels, so much so that it is now the most common issue for which teens seek counseling.

Nearly a third of thirteen- to seventeen-year-olds will experience an anxiety disorder (38 percent of girls and 26 percent of boys).2An estimated six million American teens presently have some kind of anxiety disorder, although the number is probably higher because the majority do not seek treatment.3Fifty-four percent of college students surveyed said that they had “felt overwhelming anxiety” in the past twelve months.4In 2011, 11 percent of teen girls had a major depressive episode in the past year. By 2017, that number had risen to 20 percent.5While the depression rate for boys has risen more slowly, the suicide rate has spiked to a thirty-year high.6

Anecdotal evidence backs up the statistics. One female Christian counselor recently described how, when she first started counseling twenty-four years ago, “Probably one out of every twenty kids coming in were dealing with anxiety. . . . Now, out of my new appointments, I would say at least sixteen of every twenty families are here for that reason, if not more.”7

It’s not just common in our culture, it’s also common in the Bible. Even strong and mature Bible characters such as King David and the Apostle Paul battled worry, anxiety, and fear (Ps. 56:3; 2 Cor. 7:5; 1:8). The most common command in the Bible is “Fear not!” which means it must be a very common problem.

Teen Anxiety and Depression often Come Together

You might be wondering why one book would try to deal with both anxiety and depression. Aren’t they different problems? While there are differences, many experts now view them as two sides of the one coin, or two faces of the one basic problem. Yes, someone can be depressed but not anxious, or anxious without being depressed, but about 50 percent of teens who have one also have the other, to some degree.

When it comes to depression, 13 percent of twelve- to seventeen-year-olds experience major depression in any one year, with depression affecting about 20 percent of adolescents by the time they become adults. That’s every fifth teen in your child’s class.

We also find biblical figures who experienced depression. Look at how depressed the psalmists were in Psalms 32 and 88, how depressed Elijah was at the lowest point of his ministry (1 Kings 19:1–8), and how Job slipped into depression at various times (Job 3:11–15; 30:16–26).

As anxiety is more common than depression for teens, and it usually comes before depression, the primary focus of this book will be anxiety. However, most of the remedies work for both anxiety and depression, as we will see.

Teen Anxiety and Depression Are Normal

Apart from using statistics and the Bible to assure teens that anxiety and depression are common, one of the best ways we can “normalize” these problems is to talk about mental illness and other emotional disorders as common experiences in a fallen world. Speak about it around the supper table or in the car. If we are teachers or preachers, we can talk about it in the classroom, in the pulpit, or at youth groups. Look out for long-term changes in your teen’s behavior and moods and take opportunities to ask her what’s going on in her thoughts and feelings. You could say, for example, “You seem to be a bit down or troubled. Can I help in any way?” To maximize the chances of your teen opening up to you, try not to come across as judgmental, critical, or scared.

Only one thing is worse than never talking about such disorders, and that is to mock, shame, or stigmatize those who suffer with them. Such a cruel and arrogant attitude will ensure that our teens will never talk to us about these challenges or seek our help. They will either bottle it up and suffer in silence, or else they will seek help from others outside of the Christian community, who may lead them astray. At worst, they may start cutting themselves to find temporary relief, or even attempt suicide as a permanent solution.

Instead, in our homes, our schools, and our churches, we want to talk about these issues as normal abnormalities in an abnormal world. We want to build a culture of transparency and trust so that our teens will feel free and safe to talk about their fears without fear. Anxiety and depression are simply two of the many consequences of the fall, and teens should be able to talk about them just as we talk about asthma, broken arms, disrespect, purity, and so on.

Teen Anxiety and Depression Are Varied

We must avoid stereotypes of anxiety and depression because they actually can manifest themselves in multiple ways. Just because we or someone else we know suffered in a certain way does not mean that everyone experiences it in that way.

There are many kinds of anxiety. The most common are panic disorder, specific phobias, generalized anxiety disorder, and social anxiety disorder.8 Some anxiety (and depression) is genetic, sometimes it is a response to trauma, and sometimes it is caused by exhaustion or perfectionism. Some of these disorders are long-term but low-grade. Other times they are brief but acute. They make some kids withdraw and others aggressive. Sometimes it is the result of guilt—both true and false guilt. Nervous kids get it, but so do hyperconfident kids. Girls get it, and so do boys; although more girls admit it than boys. Help your teen identify their unique symptoms of anxiety—physical, spiritual, emotional, mental—so they can recognize it in the future.

It’s important to appreciate the variety and diversity of anxiety and depression, because if we have a set but limited caricature of an anxious person, we could miss it or respond to it wrongly. This is why it’s important to get experienced professionals like doctors and trained counselors involved in diagnosing these disorders.

Teen Anxiety and Depression Are Terrible

Imagine that you are driving your family to church, and you suddenly hit black ice, spin out of control, and start heading toward a precipice. Your fight-or-flight system is firing on all cylinders. You’re sweating, your heart is pounding, your muscles are tensed, your insides are doing somersaults, and you know you are about to die.