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- Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
- Kategorie: Ratgeber
- Sprache: Englisch
A masterclass to build self-trust, beat self-doubt and make your boldest aspirations a reality.
Does fear hold you back? We all have moments when we succumb to doubt and let our fears call the shots. Each time they do, we limit our lives. It’s why learning to trust in ourselves is crucial to rising above our biggest challenges and enjoying true happiness and success — in our careers, relationships, leadership and life.
Written with heart and humour but grounded in research, You’ve Got This! is a handbook for unleashing our untapped potential and passion, creativity and courage, to thrive in today’s uncertain world. Filled with compelling stories and hard-won wisdom, author Margie Warrell draws on her background in business, coaching and doctoral studies as well as her challenges raising four children while living and working around the world. Applying the practical advice and twelve powerful principles in this book will help you:
- Defy negative self-talk and take the bold actions you’ve been putting off
- Become your greatest cheerleader, not your loudest critic
- Embrace vulnerability and trust your intuition
- Combat stress and thrive amid uncertainty
- Amplify your power as a leader and ‘change maker’
Hailed as a “high five to the human spirit”, You’ve Got This! is a must-read for everyone, from seasoned leaders, to those embarking on their adult lives, and anyone in between who just needs encouragement to rise to their take that leap.
When we trust ourselves to handle anything, it liberates us for everything.
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Seitenzahl: 372
Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2020
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Praise for You’ve Got This!
Margie is a unique combination of compassion and sophistication, giving her amazing insight and a unique ability to deliver it. Keep the messages of this book ever in your ear, and negative voices in your head will fall away.
— Marianne Williamson, Bestselling author and politician
You’ve Got This! is a high five to the human spirit. It’s a full throttle, rallying cry that inspires, entertains, and instructs. Margie’s compelling and personal stories reveal fundamental truths about what it takes to make extraordinary things happen in your life. This is a big-hearted, hope-raising, humor-filled book you’ll return to whenever you feel doubt, lose confidence, or hit a wall. Keep it handy. I certainly will.
— Jim Kouzes, Co-author of The Leadership Challenge and Executive Fellow, Leavey School of Business, Santa Clara University
Margie Warrell has written a book so compelling that I already have a list of friends and colleagues — both women and men — with whom I can’t wait to share it. She challenges us to move from a fear-based paradigm to a faith-based one — faith in ourselves to overcome even the greatest hurdles and problems. Thank you, Margie, for all you’ve done to help me!
— Kathy Calvin, President and CEO, United Nations Foundation
You’ve got to get this book! Margie provides an accessible, evidence-based road map for flourishing in the midst of life’s challenges.
— Tal Ben-Shahar,New York Times Bestselling author of Happier and Cofounder of Happiness Studies Academy
You’ve Got This! will help you build confidence and slay self-doubt. I strongly recommend it to anyone wanting to rise stronger, lead better and grow their impact in today’s fast moving, ever-changing world.
— Maya Hari, Vice President, Twitter Asia Pacific
You’ve Got This! is packed with hard-won and heart-felt wisdom. If you’ve ever been afraid that you lack what you need to achieve your highest aspirations, this is the book for you.
— Ron Kaufman,New York Times Bestselling author of Uplifting Service
Throughout Margie Warrell’s adventurous life she’s had to reassure herself ‘I’ve got this!’ many times. And don’t we all need that too? Now we have a handbook of how to do just that.
— Jane Wurwand, Founder, Dermalogica
You’ve Got This! is a transformative book for today’s uncertain times. Inspiring, informative and deeply relevant to anyone who ever struggles to have faith in themselves, it will empower you to unleash your true genius and embrace your challenges with the courage to turn them into something truly magnificent that elevates not just your own life, but the lives of all around you.
— Dr John Demartini, Bestselling author of The Values Factor and creator of The Breakthrough Experience
You’ve Got This! will help you decide what you really want and discover within yourself all you need to take the next step.
— Claire Chiang, Co-Founder, Banyan Tree Hotels and Resorts
Margie Warrell did it again! This book is full of practical wisdom and profoundly motivating advice that you’ll come back to time and time again to be reminded: YOU’VE GOT THIS.
— Susan Brady, CEO, Simmons University Institute for Inclusive Leadership
Margie Warrell is a shining light; just what this century needs. I found myself reading You’ve Got This! with tears and inspiration. There’s so much value packed in its pages, that reading it several times may be in order.
— David Wood, Coach, Speaker and CEO, PlayforReal
If you want to get out of your own way to evolve into your greatest self, then read this book.
— Rebecca Heino, PhD, Professor and Academic Director, Columbia University
Brimming with practical advice, proven strategies and heart-won wisdom, this book will give you the deep confidence and tools you need to stay grounded when the world around you feels shaky.
— Suzi Pomerantz, CEO, Innovative Leadership International
If you ever doubt yourself too much and back yourself too little, this book is for you. Written in Margie’s down-to-earth yet uplifting style, You’ve Got This! will help you find the courage you need in those moments when it matters most.
— Emma Isaacs, Founder and Global CEO, Business Chicks
This book will deepen your trust in your true voice and spirit so you can move past the fears that keep you from living your fullest potential and highest purpose.
— Warwick Fairfax, Founder, Crucible Leadership
You’ve Got This! is simply one of those books that will be read and re-read again. If you’re looking to find that bit of courage, Margie’s words will inspire you to take the next step.
— Tami Roos, PhD, Bestselling author of Presence to Power
You’ve Got This, makes true on its promise to be life-changing. Far more than a book, it’s an organic experience you’ll reach for again and again to reconnect you to your power. Spoiler alert — You’ve (already) got this!
— Theresa M. Robinson, Author of The WarriHER’s Playbook
Margie Warrell has done it again. Jammed with humour, stories and wisdom, You’ve Got This! will revolutionise your thinking, unleash your potential and transform your life. The question is, are you ready?
— Janine Garner, Entrepreneur and Author of It’s Who You Know
You’ve Got This! will help you conquer the negative thinking that prevents you from unleashing the champion within. Margie’s authenticity shines through, and her courage-building wisdom leaps off every page. It’s time to kick doubt and fear to the curb!
— Layne Beachley AO,World champion surfer, Chairperson, Surfing Australia
MARGIE WARRELL
BEST-SELLING AUTHOR OF TRAIN THE BRAVE, STOP PLAYING SAFE AND MAKE YOUR MARK
you’ve got this!
THE LIFE-CHANGING POWER OF TRUSTING YOURSELF
First published in 2020 by John Wiley & Sons Australia, Ltd 42 McDougall St, Milton Qld 4064
Office also in Melbourne
© John Wiley & Sons Australia, Ltd 2020
The moral rights of the author have been asserted
ISBN: 978-0-730-36844-1
All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the Australian Copyright Act 1968 (for example, a fair dealing for the purposes of study, research, criticism or review), no part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, communicated or transmitted in any form or by any means without prior written permission. All inquiries should be made to the publisher at the address above.
Cover design: Wiley
Front cover and internal image: © guvendemir/Getty Images
Author photo: Alise Black
Disclaimer
The material in this publication is of the nature of general comment only, and does not represent professional advice. It is not intended to provide specific guidance for particular circumstances and it should not be relied on as the basis for any decision to take action or not take action on any matter which it covers. Readers should obtain professional advice where appropriate, before making any such decision. To the maximum extent permitted by law, the author and publisher disclaim all responsibility and liability to any person, arising directly or indirectly from any person taking or not taking action based on the information in this publication.
CONTENTS
Cover
About the Author
Introduction
the daring
1 Don’t Wait for Confidence:
Begin before you feel ready
2 Doubt Your Doubts:
Stop letting fear call the shots
3 Dial Up Your Daring:
Be bold in the vision for your life
the growing
4 Embrace Your Fallibility:
Get of f your own back and forgive your failings!
5 Strengthen Your Wings:
Expand your capacity to soar
6 Use Your Gifts:
Trust your talents and play to your strengths
7 Dear Women:
Stop selling yourself short and talking yourself down
8 Dear Men:
Your greatest strength is found in vulnerability
the becoming
9 Choose Faith Over Fear:
A greater force has your back
10 Find Your Uplift:
Connect to people who help you rise
11 Surrender Resistance:
Embrace the struggle and transform yourself
12 Own Your Power:
Lead the change you want to see
Acknowledgements
Index
End User License Agreement
Guide
Cover
Table of Contents
Introduction
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Margie Warrell has walked the path of courage many times since growing up, the big sister of seven, on a small dairy farm in rural Victoria, Australia.
From backpacking around the world in her early twenties to starting a business with four young children in a new country, Margie has gained valuable insights about defying self-doubt, building resilience and embracing life’s challenges with faith instead of fear.
A member of the Advisory Board of Forbes School of Business & Technology, honoree of the Women’s Economic Forum and a sought-after international speaker, Margie draws on her diverse background in business, psychology, and coaching to get to the heart of what holds people and organisations back.
The titles of Margie’s previous bestselling books — Find Your Courage, Stop Playing Safe, Train the Brave and Make Your Mark — reflect her passion for unleashing human potential and emboldening people to live more purposeful, courageous lives. Her clients include NASA, Salesforce, Deloitte, Morgan Stanley, SAP, Marriott, United Health, Mars, Johnson & Johnson, MetLife, Berkshire Hathaway and Google.
Margie’s ability to share accessible insights and practical advice for thriving amid the pressures and problems of today’s world have made her a regular commentator with leading media outlets such as the Today show, CNN, CNBC, Fox & Friends and Bloomberg. She also hosts the Live Brave podcast and her ‘Courage Works’ column with Forbes has been read by millions.
Margie also enjoys embarrassing her kids by singing too loudly and taking long hikes in beautiful places. Most recently she summitted Mt Kilimanjaro with her husband Andrew and their four teenage children.
More at margiewarrell.com
‘As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.’
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
INTRODUCTION
Sometimes we have to be braver than we want to be.
And sometimes, when our challenges press in and our fears rise up, a little encouragement can make all the difference.
So when I read a quote by Toni Morrison that said that ‘if there’s a book you want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, then you must write it’, I took her words to heart.
This is that book.
It’s a book for anyone who needs a little encouragement to trust themselves more deeply and doubt themselves less often.
Whatever circumstances landed this book in your hands, whether by chance of fate or fortune, I’m glad it has. Maybe the title spoke to you or a friend gave it to you. Maybe you stumbled upon it some other way. All I know is that it’s no accident that you’re reading this now.
This book was inspired by my own life experience. In particular, by the many times I’ve needed someone to remind me, ‘You’ve got this!’ There’ve been a few in recent years.
Perhaps you’re currently deciding whether to take a leap of faith in yourself towards a new endeavour or long-held aspiration. One that excites you but also scares you.
Perhaps you’ve found yourself in a situation you didn’t see coming. One that totally blind-sided you, rocked your world and left you feeling ungrounded, anxious about your future and mired in misgivings.
Or perhaps you’ve ventured out onto that far limb despite your doubts, but now you’re unsure how to navigate the risks ahead, and you find yourself wrangling with fear that your best efforts will be inadequate … that you are inadequate.
I know the feeling. Oh boy, do I know the feeling.
In fact, as I begin this book right now, there is a little voice in the back of my head.
Margie, who do you think you are?
It’s a familiar voice, one I’ve heard countless times. One that has accompanied me on my journey through life. One that, if it had its way, would have kept me from doing pretty much every worthwhile thing I’ve ever done or might yet attempt.
Like write this book.
I’ve come to recognise this as the voice of fear. Of course, fear wears a varied wardrobe and appears in many guises. Only sometimes does it present as the acute paralysing fear that gripped my body the time I went to circus school and stood frozen on the high trapeze platform, unable to reach for the bar dangling in the air in front of me, despite intellectually knowing that falling to my death was impossible. Had it not been for my friends below, hands cupped around their mouths, yelling up to me the titles of my books — ‘Find your courage!’,‘Stop playing safe!’,‘Train the brave!’ — I might never have taken the leap. (The upside of this experience was confirmation I’d not missed my calling to run off and join Cirque du Soleil.)
No, more often fear creeps into our lives in far subtler and more insidious forms. As excuses. Judgements. Justifications. Procrastination. Distraction. Self-doubt. Pride. Shyness. Busyness. Sometimes even as arrogance, or righteous indignation. Or a sudden and pressing need to go shopping. Or drinking. Or both.
But the effect is the same.
Fear holds us back. In doing so, it shrinks down how we show up in the world. It narrows our thinking, confines our actions and keeps us from doing the very things that would help us discover how much more we could actually do.
Left unchecked, fear leaves us meandering cautiously through life, mired in inertia, polishing our excuses, justifying our inaction. Over time, it chips away at our confidence, clouds our judgement and fractures our faith — in ourselves and in the dreams we once had.
All the while it holds our happiness, our future and our potential hostage.
SELF-TRUST: A DEEP RELIANCE ON ONE’S INNATE CAPACITY TO PURSUE A MEANINGFUL LIFE, MEET ITS CHALLENGES AND GROW FROM THEM.
This book is not just about helping you overcome fear. It’s about helping you build faith. Faith in your unique talents and in your ability to pursue the aspirations that light you up, and to rise above the challenges that might otherwise pull you down.
It’s also about grounding you in your innate resourcefulness, resilience and capacity for life — for all of life, in all its wild, wondrous and messy glory. Emboldening you to trust in yourself so fully that you don’t flinch from pursuing the highest vision for your life because you know that the power within you is greater than any problem outside you.
This will take commitment on your part. Not just for the duration of this book, but for the duration of your life. (Sorry, if you were after a quick fix, this ain’t one!) After all, your fears aren’t something you can defeat once and be done with it … brave forevermore. Because that’s not how life works and that’s not what fear does.
Fear is wired into your psychological DNA to keep you safe from danger — or at least what your brain perceives as a potential threat to your sense of security, safety and status — and let’s face it … they aren’t hard to find.
In today’s climate of fear, we are perpetually bombarded with reasons to feel afraid. Criminal violence. Trade wars. Melting ice-caps. Rising waters. Child predators. Human trafficking. Extremist militants. Cyber attacks. AI domination. Pandemics. Overpopulation.
Those who peddle fear have no shortage of ammunition to fire up your doubts and undermine your confidence to handle what’s coming next. Turn on cable news and you’ll soon be reminded of the perils of today’s world and what happens to those who don’t play life super safe. Fear is the most primal and potent emotion which, left unchecked, can swiftly set up residence in our lives and leave us so anxious and cautious that we risk not living fully at all.
Since venturing out from the safety of my parents’ dairy farm at the age of eighteen, there have been many times I’ve second-guessed my ability to handle what might come next. I’ve had my fair share of heartaches and hardships, struggles and setbacks … a few of which I’ll share in these pages. All have left me, at some point, going nine rounds with my fears, complete with their endless urgings to lower my sights, retreat off that limb and stick closer to home, where it’s more cosy, less perilous.
Countless times while raising my four children, I’ve felt anxious about an uncertain future as my husband Andrew’s work moved us around the world. While I tried to find security from sources outside of myself, in the end, the only effective antidote to my anxiety has come from turning inward. From becoming grounded in my own certainty and cultivating a deeper trust in my own abilities to figure life out as it unfolds.
THE POWER WITHIN YOU IS GREATER THAN ANY PROBLEM OUTSIDE YOU.
It’s why I embarked on writing this book.
Twice.
The first draft was just for women. Not only because I am one, but because I’ve had a front row seat in the lives of many women and witnessed how much they struggle with (and are stymied by) self-doubt, false beliefs, mother’s guilt and unconscious biases, largely shaped by gendered cultural norms and social conditioning. This draft was going to include much more of my doctoral research into the intersection of gender norms, power and leadership.
But then serendipity intervened. It came in the form of a series of ‘up close and personal’ experiences with men that challenged my thinking. Outwardly, these highly accomplished men embodied self-assuredness, as though coated with psychological Teflon that I (wrongly) assumed rendered them immune to self-doubt. Yet beyond their masculine ‘I’ve got this’ armour, I found a far more vulnerable and less secure side. It brought home to me how much the social norms that hem women in can also stifle men, limiting their emotional freedom and authentic self-expression. Men simply process and react to them differently: less talk, more toughness. And so I returned to first base and began again — this time writing a book for any person who ever struggles to trust fully in themselves, including those whose public persona may radiate self-assurance. I have dedicated a chapter to just men and another to just women, to address the gendered manifestations of self-doubt and vulnerability. (Though whatever your gender, I suspect something in each chapter will resonate.)
So, as I write this now, in a little cabin atop a small hill in a little-known place called Nungurner, I am starting anew on a book for all courage-seekers. (In case you’re wondering ‘Where on earth is Nungurner?’, it’s in the south-east corner of Australia, where I spent the first eighteen years of my life, and where I’m currently visiting my parents.) The reality is that male or female, extravert or introvert, wealthy or working class, each of us has the capacity to forge a deeply meaningful life and to evolve into who we are as human beings … or, as I’ll expand on in the pages to come, as ‘human becomings’.
It begins with daring to ‘trust in our wings’ and believe that we can.
However daunting your challenges, audacious your dreams or entrenched your doubts, within you lie the resources to accomplish more than you may have told yourself is possible. Most of all, starting from today, you have the ability to make fresh choices — to stop selling yourself short and to start living more boldly, deeply grounded in the truth of who you are. Someone who has within them everything they need to deal with every situation outside them.
The inner determines the outer.
Psychologist William James once said that most people live in a restricted circle of their full potential. Certainly, many people never experience the full breadth of their own capabilities or realise their full potential. Fear keeps them living inside the lines, going to their grave with a large gap between the life they did live and what could have been … if only they’d trusted themselves more and been braver.
My intention for this book is to close that gap, or at least to narrow it — to help you build the self-trust required to challenge the beliefs that have hemmed you in (at least until now!); to embolden you to think bigger about what is possible for you, and, when life’s storms blow in, to trust in your ability to ride them through with more grace, less angst.
What I’ve learnt from my fifty years on this planet is that when we dare to step back from the beliefs we’ve been buying into — to question our assumptions and lean into our vulnerability — a whole new realm of possibilities opens up. Possibilities that can transform our very experience of being alive.
Your future is unwritten. You are the author. If the pages in this book become well-worn and well-read, then I’ll be deeply honoured. If not, I will content myself knowing that it found its way into your hands for a short while and trust that it made some impression, however humble.
And in the end, isn’t that what matters most? That we do the best we can with what we’ve been given — to find peace in ourselves and to leave a positive imprint on the canvas of others’ lives?
At least I think so.
Learning to trust fully in ourselves is the work of a lifetime. My hope is that this book can help to open your heart and strengthen your spirit along your journey to living a braver, more whole-hearted life.
So here’s to rekindling the relationship you have with the highest and deepest parts of yourself.
Here’s to you living each day grounded firmly in a foundation of faith — trusting that you are here for a purpose, that every challenge holds a silent invitation to infuse a deeper dimension into your life, and that, no matter what happens, you can handle it.
Most of all, here’s to you being braver than you want to be, finding the courage to move towards a future that inspires you, however unnerving, and looking at your reflection in the mirror and fully embodying the words that come out of your mouth when you say, ‘You’ve got this.’
Because you know what? You do.
Let’s journey together.
After all, we can be far braver together than we ever can alone.
the daring
‘If I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.’
Mahatma Gandhi
1Don’t Wait for ConfidenceBegin before you feel ready
If you’ve picked up this book then chances are that you’re like me, and like so many people I meet in my travels.
You want to live a good life — a life in which you feel fully alive, connected and cared for, and where you’re contributing to the world in a meaningful way.
Chances are there are some parts of your life that are tracking along pretty well, and some other parts, well … not so much. Maybe the ground beneath you feels pretty shaky, or something has rocked your world and left your head spinning and your heart hurting. Or maybe there is nothing particularly wrong, but something just feels amiss … not quite right, not aligned with the truth of who you are.
Maybe there are some things you’d like to change in your life. Maybe big changes. Big ideas. Dreams so bold that some days they feel more like mere fantasies — about the kind of life you could create if the stars and moon and planets all aligned in your favour.
And yet … that voice …
I mean who are little ol’ you, with all your shortcomings and inadequacies, flaws and failings, to think that you could do that thing that tugs most at your heart?
To pursue that dream?
To summit that peak?
To build that business?
And so …
You stick to the path you’re on and settle for the life you’ve got. I mean, it’s not so bad. (Well, at least not compared to the most miserable situations your imagination can conjure up.)
And you’re right, it’s not so bad as that. It’s just not the life you most yearn for … not the life that sets your soul on fire.
Meanwhile …
Days pass. Months pass. Years pass. One rolling into another. Then one day this book finds its way into your hands — via a friend, mere happenstance, sheer serendipity, divine providence … or via a motley pile of unwanted books at a garage sale. (Hey, I’m no J.K. Rowling, I’ll take what I can get.)
While I don’t know your situation right now, I do know this:
This book has found its way into your hands for a reason.
To remind you of what your wisest, biggest self already knows to be true (yet so desperately needs to be reminded of). And it is this:
That you are here for a purpose.
And for no small purpose, either. And, not only that, that where you are right now is the ideal place for you to learn valuable lessons for what lays ahead. That there are things that you — and only you — can do. Things that will never be done if YOU do not do them. And that, no matter how large the challenges you’re facing, or the challenges you’d like to take on, you are capable of more than you think.
Most of all, that every moment of your life up to now has prepared you for the choices you now must make.
You cannot, mustnot, keep waiting until you know what you’re doing, until you’re sure you can’t fail, or until you have the confidence you think you need to have, before you get started.
No. No. No.
Here’s the problem with that: if you are waiting until you know exactly what you are doing, or until you feel the confidence that you often admire, sometimes envy, in others, then you may be waiting your whole, entire, precious life.
And that will just not do.
Not for you. Not for me. Not for anyone.
The key is as simple as it is scary: begin before you’re ready.
THE FASTEST WAY TO BUILD CONFIDENCE IS TO ACT EXACTLY AS YOU WOULD IF YOU HAD IT.
My daughter Maddy is funny (not as in funny weird, but as in funny haha). She tells me that I laugh at all her jokes because that’s what mothers are supposed to do. But I beg to differ. I laugh because she is comically gifted and exceptionally good at impersonating people, including yours truly. I marvel at how clever she is at poking fun at my idiosyncrasies that, quite frankly, I’d never even realised I had. I might take offence at how well she takes me down, if only I weren’t laughing so much.
In her final years of high school Maddy mentioned on several occasions how she would like to try stand-up comedy. I encouraged her to give it a go but she always had a reason why she couldn’t. ‘I’m bogged down in study.’ ‘I’ve got exams.’ ‘I don’t have time.’ ‘I’m too young.’ ‘I’m not ready.’
Then she moved to New York for college, to the city that’s been the launching pad for many a now-famous comedian. She mentioned it again. I encouraged her again. ‘Just give it a go,’ I said. ‘Don’t try to be Seinfeld, just have fun.’ Yet again — ‘I’ve got study, exams, too busy, too young, too not-ready’ … yada yada yada. Then she mentioned some club where ‘newbies’ get on stage and get feedback.
‘Just bite the bullet,’ I said again. ‘So what if you’re not brilliant? So what if you tank … though I’m sure you won’t. At least you can feel proud that you gave it a go.’
And so off she went to an open-mic night for aspiring comedians.
My phone rang soon afterward.
‘OMG Mum, I did it,’ her pride and excitement travelling across the 15 000 kilometres between us. ‘And you know what, I wasn’t that terrible. In fact, for a first timer, I think I actually did okay.’
She then paused for a moment and said, ‘Can I tell you something funny?’
‘Yep,’ I said.
‘I made a lot of jokes about you, about how my mum is a motivational speaker and self-help author who tells everyone to be brave and how funny it is how you get all dressed up and put on your whole professional ‘got it all together’ look for when you get on stage on or do TV or whatever, but how at home you’re continually losing your keys, forgetting appointments, or stressing about how you shouldn’t have agreed to some dumb dinner because you weren’t brave enough to say no.’
‘Got to love daughters,’ I thought. But then, the twist.
Turns out that the woman at the open mic charged with providing feedback agreed with Maddy that having a mother like me is a rich source for comical material. Then she added, ‘But that mother of yours must be pretty good at what does. Because you’re nineteen doing stand-up comedy in New York. She deserves a little credit for that.’
COURAGE TO ACT AMID FEAR LAYS AT THE FOUNDATION OF A LIFE WELL LIVED.
I said nothing to Maddy (though I did revel in the moment as I sent out a little psychic hug to that woman). Like teenagers are contractually bound to do, my kids tend to brush off my advice (yeah yeah Mum, whatever you say Mum). So it was deliciously sweet to have a complete stranger on the far side of the globe point out to my fabulous yet feisty daughter that maybe some of her mother’s advice was worth listening to.
As I have told all my kids over the years (and which they occasionally appear to actually hear), confidence can be overrated. Of course, believing that you are likely to succeed at something has some solid utility. Yet let’s face it, confidence can come and go, wax and wane. It’s not stable. Which is why courage is ultimately more valuable than confidence. It takes courage to take action despite our misgivings or the fact that the last time we landed flat on our bums and have no guarantee we won’t fall short again and make a complete nit of ourselves.
Heck, I’d never have left the bustling metropolis of Nungurner (which doesn’t even have a shop … not one) to move to the genuinely bustling city of Melbourne at eighteen if I had waited until I was confident I could find my way in a wholly unfamiliar new place. Nor would I have bought the world’s most uncomfortable budget-priced backpack and set off with a round-the-world air ticket and some travellers cheques three years later. And I certainly would never have ventured onto a stage to speak if I’d waited until I was sure I wouldn’t look like an amateur. (I did look like an amateur.)
THOSE WHO THRIVE IN LIFE AND EXCEL IN WORK ARE CONSTANTLY BREAKING RANKS WITH COMFORT.
A few years back I had the opportunity to interview Bill Marriott, the legendary hotelier who took the business his father had started as a nine-seat root-beer stand and turned it into the world’s largest hotel empire. When I asked him what he’d learnt about confidence, he threw his head back and laughed. ‘I’ve learnt that I don’t have as much as people think I have,’ he chuckled. ‘You get confidence by doing and learning and making mistakes and fixing your mistakes.’
It’s true. Confidence isn’t built through thinking we’re awesome; it’s built through action. Martin Seligman, considered the founding father of positive psychology, said that positive self-image by itself doesn’t produce anything and cannot be sustained without action. Rather, as Seligman wrote, ‘A sustainable sense of security in oneself arises from positive and productive behavior.’
Ask anyone who’s ever done anything worthwhile and they’ll tell you that it wasn’t confidence in their invincibility that fuelled their endeavours. Rather, it was their passionate belief in the importance of what they were doing and their embracing of the risk of not landing the perfect outcome, first time, every time. Their mission exceeded their fear of failing; their ‘why’ sat in the driver’s seat and compelled them to break ranks with their comfort. And so they did. Sometimes it was semi-confident action, sometimes it was knot-in-the-gut nervous action. But always action. As Prime Minister of New Zealand Jacinda Ardern said, ‘If you sit and wait to feel like you are the most confident person in the room, you are probably going to be left by yourself.’
When I decided to start running my public Live Brave seminars several years ago, I was not 100 per cent sure that I’d succeed. However, having met thousands of people through the corporate programs I’d run, I had a strong intuition that many people would benefit from a deeper-dive experience to reassess their choices, reconnect with their passion and rewrite their stories. I’ve now run dozens of Live Brave programs — days, evenings, weekends — and every single time my vulnerability meter has dialled up full tilt in the lead-up to them. What if not enough people register? What if I publicly humiliate myself? What if people think I’m getting a little too big for my boots with such a bold undertaking? It may be an Australian thing, or a rural thing, or a female thing, or the whole trifecta, but I feel acutely uncomfortable promoting myself despite intellectually knowing that this is part and parcel of what is required to ‘spread the word’. I just wish people could know by osmosis that I was putting on an event or that I was so famous that I could do one online post and, shazam, Beyoncé style: ‘Sold Out’. If only.
But then I’d be missing the opportunity to walk my own talk, wouldn’t I?
And the beautiful thing? By walking my own ‘brave talk’ it’s helped me to help others walk a braver path themselves. People like Brenda Keane, who came along to my first ever Live Brave weekend in Australia. Though only just.
Four days before the weekend Brenda contacted my office to see if she could transfer her spot to someone on the waiting list. I sensed fear was at play, so I gave her a call. ‘I’ve got a lot on,’ she told me. ‘There’s some family issues I need to deal with at the moment, and money is tight and I just feel I shouldn’t be heading away for a weekend right now. I’ve also got a lot on at work’ — Brenda worked for a bank — ‘and I’m under a lot of pressure. So it’s just not a good time.’
Over the course of twenty minutes I helped her reframe the weekend as an opportunity to recharge and expand her capacity to deal with the various challenges she had on her plate.
She agreed to come. Just.
Which turned out to be a very good thing in the scheme of Brenda’s life. Because what Brenda had not shared with me during our call was that she had long harboured a dream of launching her own brand of active wear for plus-size women.
‘I just have no idea how to even get started,’ she said to me during the weekend. ‘I don’t know the first thing about the rag trade. Zero.’ I said to her what I’ve said to so many women and, in fact, have even said to myself as I’ve started writing this book:
It’s okay not to know exactly what you are doing.
All that truly matters at this moment in time is that you make this one decision.
That you will not just stay where you are.
That is …
You will not wait to be struck by a surge of self-assurance.
You will not wait until you get a premonition of future stardom.
You will not wait until you have the perfect plan or land the perfect conditions.
And you will not wait until you feel boundless confidence before you decide to make a change or take a chance or speak your truth or even simply dust off your dream and share it with someone.
FIRST CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOUR, THEN LET YOUR CONFIDENCE CATCH UP. IT WILL.
This might sound like all those fluffy, feel-good, pop self-help platitudes. It’s not. In fact, the idea of acting with the confidence you wish you had is backed up by reams of research. William James advised people to ‘act as if’ over a hundred years ago. More recently, research by social psychologist Timothy Wilson led him to reaffirm Aristotle’s approach: ‘Do good. Be good.’
If you start changing your behaviours first, it will in turn shift and improve your self-perception and, over time, your confidence. Sticking with what is comfortable may spare you the risk of rejection or failure in the short term, but it doesn’t make you more confident; it makes you less so! On the flip side, when you act with the confidence you wish you had, you gradually come to feel more confident. Doing something that was once a scary proposition — from delivering a sales pitch to standing behind a podium — becomes less and less daunting and more and more within your wheelhouse.
This aligns with the groundbreaking work of psychologist Albert Bandura, who found our confidence in our ability to succeed at a task (which he called self-efficacy) is based on four core pillars:
previous accomplishments
— past experiences of success and mastery
vicarious experience
— role models, and observing others’ success
social persuasion
— positive feedback and encouragement
physiological states
— our emotional reactions, such as anxiety.
So acting with the confidence you wish you had provides you with the experience to sharpen your game, which gets you the positive feedback that counters your doubts. As for role models, maybe you have them. Maybe you don’t. But the best place to find them is by putting yourself in the orbit of confident ‘can do’ people (which you cannot do while sitting at home waiting to feel confident).
Each day you stick to the status quo — waiting to feel fully self-assured, to craft the perfect plan or develop world-class mastery — is a day that you are not taking the very actions that would help you learn and grow and develop the trust in yourself that you already have everything it takes to figure it out.
Because you do!
GROWTH AND COMFORT CAN’T RIDE THE SAME HORSE.
In the year following our weekend together, Brenda rolled up her sleeves and got to work launching her own clothing line — vibrant active wear designed for larger-sized women. She wasn’t quite sure what she was doing, of course. She had to ask lots of questions of lots of people. On many occasions she made decisions that, a year later, she would have made differently. Yet only by stepping into the arena, by giving herself permission to start before she knew what she was doing, was she able to learn what truly needed to be done.
Exactly one year after our weekend together, the first shipment of Be Keane Active Wear arrived on Brenda’s front doorstep. ‘Had I waited until I was confident that I knew exactly what I was doing, my life today would be nothing like what it is,’ Brenda told me recently. Not only that, but she’d have missed out on the wildest ride of her life — learning more in the process than she could have imagined. About online retailing. About designs and fabric. About marketing and publicity. But above all, about herself — her gifts, her strength, her power to help other women to embrace the beauty of their bodies.
As I learnt early in life as I mustered up the courage to learn to ride my first horse (who was quite big but very slow), and then later, my second horse, which we won in a raffle (who was totally crazy), ‘Growth and comfort can’t ride the same horse.’ If Brenda had waited until she felt comfortable and confident, she’d still be dreaming about launching her own active wear brand and over 20 000 women in countries around the world (at the latest count) wouldn’t be wearing her bright workout gear (myself among them!). And that’s not including the men and kids from her newly launched children and men’s active wear ranges!
‘It was by just jumping in and giving myself permission to figure it out as I went that I gradually began to build my confidence,’ Brenda said. ‘The only path to pursuing our dreams is to embrace being uncomfortable … there’s just no other way!’
I share Brenda’s story because her willingness to take a leap of faith — despite her fears that she’d fall short, lose her money and end up feeling like a fool —lies at the heart of what this book is all about.
Actually, it lies at the heart of what my life is about — helping people like you get out of your own way by rising above the fears and false beliefs that are hemming you in.
Of course, you may not relate to Brenda. Not completely, anyway; chances are your dreams and aspirations are entirely different. (Which is a good thing … we don’t want to crowd the active wear market.) But just imagine how you would feel a year from now, much less five or ten, if you made the decision not to wait another year, or month or week, before making the life-alteringly important decision to just start.
COMPETENCE ALWAYS MATTERS. BUT WITHOUT CONFIDENCE, YOU’LL STAY STUCK IN THE STARTING GATE.
On several occasions over the years I’ve had people push back when I talk about the importance of taking action before you know exactly what you’re doing.
‘Surely,’ they argue, ‘people in positions of power making important decisions when they lack competence is what has gotten us [our country, economy, the world] into such a mess?’
Fair point. You don’t have to look far for evidence of this, or for people in high places who have risen well beyond their competency level; people whose
