101 Reasons Why Cork is Better than Dublin E-Book

Pat Fitzpatrick

• Herausgeber: Mercier Press
• Kategorie: Lebensstil
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 114

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2019

Beschreibung

It's time for a new take on  the Cork vs Dublin rivalry. Cork is more kefir cocktails than Tanora these days; Dublin reckons it's like Berlin because it has two intersecting tram lines. This book takes a 21st century look at the two places, asking who's got the better statues, food, airport, characters, pubs, views and more, answering Cork every time. The second city gets a bit of a roasting too though. Because if there's one thing worse than a Dub, it's a Cork person who reckons he lives in paradise, boy. 

Leseprobe

MERCIER PRESS

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Blackrock, Cork, Ireland.

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© Pat Fitzpatrick, 2019

Epub ISBN: 978 1 78117 6 474

This eBook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.

Inhalt

INTRODUCTION

SECTION 1 Tourist Attractions

1 THE ENGLISH MARKET

2 FITZGERALD PARK

3 KINSALE

4 THE BLARNEY STONE

5 DUBLIN DAY NIGHTMARE

6 CORK DAY DELIGHT

7 KENT STATION

8 BUILDINGS, BY GEORGE

9 PÁIRC UÍ CHAOIMH

10 DE STATUES

11 GAOLS

12 HOLY HOUSES

13 CHRIST THE KING

14 BUTTER MUSEUM

15 SHANDON BELLS

16 UCC

17 DOUGLAS STREET

18 THE VALUE

19 PUBS ’N’ CULTURE

20 CALLANAN’S PUB

21 ‘GOING JAZZING?’

22 DE HACKNEYS

23 DE BUSES

24 THE NINETY-MINUTE RULE

25 CORK AIRPORT

26 THE JACK LYNCH TUNNEL

27 PATRICK’S STREET

28 WALK THIS WAY

29 THE RIVER LEE

SECTION 2 The Locals

30 FRIENDLINESS

31 PACK OF FLAS

32 SENSE OF HUMOUR

33 THE MEANING OF LANGER

34 SELF AWARENESS

35 CLIMATE RAGE

36 DRUG FUN

37 CORK MODESTY

SECTION 3 Famous People

38 ROY KEANE

39 ELIZA LYNCH

40 JACK LYNCH

41 CILLIAN MURPHY

42 EILEEN WALSH

43 SIOBHÁN MCSWEENEY

44 BILL AND GRAHAM

45 MATT AND BRENDAN

46 DENIS O’CONNOR

47 THE O’DONOVANS

48 SEÁN MURRAY

49 JOHN CREEDON

50 JIMMY CROWLEY

51 MICHAEL COLLINS

52 FRANK O’CONNOR

53 ELIZABETH BOWEN

54 NANO NAGLE

55 MOTHER JONES

SECTION 4 The Great Outdoors

56 THE BEARA PENINSULA

57 FOTA WILDLIFE PARK

58 CLOSE TO KERRY

59 DE VISTAS

60 DE LOUGH

61 THE COAST

62 THE CLIFFS

63 SCOVING

64 WATERSPORTS

65 THE MAD HOUSE

66 BRIDGE WARS

SECTION 5 History

67 WHAT’S THE MOTTO WITH YOU?

68 THE OLD BATTLES

69 DE VIKINGS

SECTION 6 Culture

70 ULYSSES VS THE YOUNG OFFENDERS

71 U2 PREFER THE FRANKS

72 ‘THE BANKS’

73 FIONA SHAW

74 ART GALLERIES

75 D’OPERA HOUSE

76 THEATRE

77 NIGHTCLUBS

78 CRYSTAL SWING

79 ‘THE BOYS OF FAIRHILL’

80 SMINKY SHORTS

81 CORCADORCA

82 DE BUTTERA AND DE BARRACKA

83 ‘THE BOLD THADY QUILL’

84 STAYING’ LIVE

SECTION 7 Sport

85 THE OLYMPICS

86 MUNSTER

87 WOMEN’S GAA

88 MEN’S GAA

89 ROB HEFFERNAN

90 PUNDITS

91 THE RCYC

92 ROAD BOWLING

93 IRELAND’S FITTEST FAMILY

ECTION 8 Food and Drink

94 BARRY’S TEA

95 DELICIOUS, MAN

96 TRADITIONAL DISHES

97 PARADISO

98 TAKE IT AWAY

99 STOUT CORK

100 CRAFTY CORK

101 TANORA

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Introduction

Coming up with 101 ways that Cork beats Dublin isn’t as easy as you might think.

First of all, whittling it down from 1,001 took the best part of a year.

Secondly, you have to juggle with the great conundrum – Cork has both a superiority and an inferiority complex when it comes to Dublin. We can be a bit funny that way.

Speaking of funny, Dublin readers should remember that most of what follows is supposed to be a joke. Also, don’t forget to move your finger along under the words as you read and there’s no shame in taking a guess at the bigger ones.

Section 1

Tourist Attractions

1

THE ENGLISH MARKET

Four of the five most visited tourist attractions in the country are currently in Dublin. Top of the list is of course the Guinness Storehouse, where tourists can escape from the heroin addicts for a moment and enjoy an unobstructed view of Bargaintown on the other side of the Liffey. No wonder it’s so popular.

The Book of Kells is a big draw in Trinity College. The book was stolen from the people of Meath and taken to Dublin, in the same way that the Parthenon Marbles were stolen from the Greeks by the Earl of Elgin and put on display in London. Acting like an English aristocrat is taboo in many parts of Ireland, but not so much in Trinity.

Of course none of these places can compare to the English Market in Cork. You can walk in for free and stare at Pat O’Connell, the fishmonger who has laughed at more royals than the guy who worked the guillotine during the French Revolution. Enjoy some authentic sights and smells, safe in the knowledge that you won’t have to exit through a gift shop. And if food isn’t really your thing, keep your eyes peeled for something you’ll never see in a Dublin tourist attraction: locals. (Some say that’s a plus when it comes to Dublin tourist attractions, but we’ll stay nice.)

2

FITZGERALD PARK

Who cares that the Phoenix Park is the largest enclosed city park in Europe? It’s a bit like boasting about the tallest mountain in Longford. The ideal city park is a quiet, central space where people from all over town can get together and eyeball each other. The Phoenix Park, on the other hand, is a giant field full of nervous deer, bad football and urban dogging. (You’re never more than 400 metres away from a small crowd peering into a Kia Sportage.) Meanwhile, Dublin’s smaller city parks like Stephen’s Green and Merrion Square are for people who like listening to traffic.

Fitzgerald Park suffers from none of the above. Instead, it offers one of the great pleasures in life: looking across the Lee and wondering where Sunday’s Well people get their money. And where else in the world would you get a Shakey Bridge that doesn’t shake, a Hanging Garden that doesn’t hang, and a museum with a photograph of Roy Keane?

Here’s what you need to know about a decent park. Size doesn’t matter. What you need is atmosphere, tranquillity, swans and the overwhelming smell of fake tan when families come in to take their Communion photos. Let’s put it another way – you need Fitzgerald Park.

3

KINSALE

Some people reckon Kinsale is all about promiscuity. I can’t comment because I’m from the town and still have relations living there, which could make it awkward the next time I meet them (at a swingers’ party).

Sex aside, Dubliners reckon Kinsale isn’t a patch on Dalkey or Howth, because their heads would explode with the notion that an off-DART town could be amazing. But the only area where Kinsale lags behind those two towns is in property prices (though there’s not much in it, to be fair).

It boasts a drop-dead gorgeous harbour, the river, a couple of historic forts, and the Kinsale Rugby 7s event, which is popular with people who like drinking beer from a glass boot with a South Seas giant called Jasper. (Don’t mock it until you’ve tried it!) That’s before you sit down to have a drink in the sun outside The Bulman, or to eat at Fishy Fishy or The Black Pig or one of the other outstanding restaurants in town. Follow that with a guided walking tour and hear how much Irish (and American) history is stuffed into this one little town.

Dalkey and Howth can’t compete. There’s something for everyone in Kinsale – and no, that isn’t a swingers’ party reference, but I see where you’re going and I like it.

4

THE BLARNEY STONE

Yanks. They bring out the worst in us. Of course you can’t blame them for coming here in droves – after all, it’s never a bad idea to put an ocean between yourself and Donald Trump. But all it takes is one sniff of a dollar and we’re riverdancing like mad in front of them, trying to flog a CD of rebel songs and an authentic shillelagh fresh off the boat from Shanghai. If you doubt this, try to walk from Westmoreland Street through Temple Bar without passing a single begorrah. You can hardly blame the Dubs for cashing in, but it makes the centre of the capital feel like BallyMcPaddyLand.

If only Dublin had a castle in a nearby village which would attract every visiting American within a radius of 100 kilometres, so they could pay to effectively snog every other American tourist that has ever visited the place, before popping into a large shop that sells quality Irish goods, so that when they come back into the city they are done with all the Paddy stuff.

That’s Dublin’s greatest tragedy – it doesn’t have a Blarney Stone to suck the Paddy madness out of the Yanks, while also allowing us to keep our shillelagh flogging out of town.

5

DUBLIN DAY NIGHTMARE

9.30 a.m.: Lie on your bed, feeling sick, because you ate four breakfasts at the hotel buffet, having heard that Dublin can be expensive for lunch. It didn’t help that you wolfed them down because the stag party at the next table was crying tears of vodka.

10.30 a.m.: Walk out of your hotel.

10.31 a.m.: Walk back into your hotel and google: ‘Safe to go around Dublin on foot?’

10.35 a.m.: Get a taxi to the Guinness Storehouse. Admire Bargaintown.

11.45 a.m.: Arrive in Temple Bar to immerse yourself in the local culture. Pay three separate buskers to stop murdering Ed Sheeran songs. (Those songs were dead already, lads.)

1.30 p.m.: Pub lunch. At least the three lads clod-hopping through Riverdance in the corner of the pub distract you from the spaghetti bolognese with Killarney sauce. (You asked for fusion cuisine, you got fusion cuisine.) You take a photo of your bill, because no one is going to believe the price.

4 p.m.: You stop for a pint in an iconic Dublin pub to sample the local culture. It is hosting a coachload of Chinese tourists, who are watching two alcoholics argue over the price of a pint of milk in 1992.

5 p.m.: You google ‘10 things to do in Dublin’ and spot that ‘Get the train to Cork’ is number 2. (Cork people are relentless on the Internet.)

6 p.m.: You go to Cork.

6

CORK DAY DELIGHT

8 a.m.: Tell the guy serving you breakfast that you came down from Dublin. He looks sorry for you and says, ‘I hear it’s fierce busy.’

9 a.m.: Tell the woman at reception that you came down from Dublin. She looks sorry for you and says, ‘I hear it’s fierce busy.’ You decide not to mention Dublin any more.

10 a.m.: Walk out of the hotel and down the South Mall. Most of the people seem happy to be alive; what’s wrong with these people?

11 a.m.: You walk into the English Market. It isn’t stall after stall of bearded hipsters pretending to be passionate about hand-crafted (insert latest trend here). That makes a change from the Dublin markets you visited.

1 p.m.: Lunch costs less than twenty quid and doesn’t come with Riverdance. Score.

3 p.m.: You pop into a local pub to sample some local atmosphere. This time it’s a coachload of Japanese tourists watching two alcoholics arguing over who was the tall one in ‘Cha and Miah’. (Not everything in Cork is different.)

5 p.m.: Someone smiles and says hello to you on Oliver Plunkett Street. They didn’t seem like they were on drugs, but you can never be sure.

7 p.m.: You ask the Japanese waitress in the incredible Asian restaurant why Cork is so friendly. She asks if you were in Dublin. You say that you were. She says, ‘I hear it’s fierce busy.’

It is too.

7

KENT STATION

Pity the tourist who leaves the elegant red bricks and curvy platform of Kent Station, Cork, heading for Heuston Station in Dublin.

The best you can say for Heuston is that you no longer have to pay 20p to go to the jacks. The only thing we knew about that 20p fee was that it wasn’t ring-fenced for toilet cleaning. The hygiene is still as you might expect – it’s like Russian roulette trying to find a cubicle that won’t remind you of the seventh circle of hell. (AKA, the pebble-dash puke Gouger managed to get out before he jumped on the 10.40 a.m. to Kildare.)

Still, this is more appetising than the onward journey into Dublin city centre. According to the map, the Luas Red Line crosses the Liffey outside Heuston and runs down Benburb Street. Most people from Cork feel they should have called it Head Back to the Joys of Kent Station and Cork Before It’s Too Late Street – although they might have found it difficult to get that on a sign.

8

BUILDINGS, BY GEORGE

One of the great tragedies of Irish life is that half of Georgian Dublin was knocked down in the 1960s to make way for modern office blocks. The tragedy is that they didn’t tear down the rest of Georgian Dublin while they were at it.

Open your eyes. Georgian Dublin is a po-faced, tight-lipped, buttoned-up kind of place. It’s about as Irish as Rotterdam; it’s about as exciting as a skiing holiday in Offaly. At the risk of sounding like Paddy MacProvo, it’s also what you might call ‘British’. According to some historians, the wide streets in Georgian Dublin were part of a broader initiative across Britain, after the French Revolution, to make it easier for the cavalry to ride in and slaughter any pesky rebels. Yay Britain, well done for planning to kill us in our thousands!