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- Herausgeber: Mercier Press
- Kategorie: Lebensstil
- Sprache: Englisch
- Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2020
Tayto, the metric system, Aisling Bea, Luke 'Ming' Flanagan, Blindboy, Marian Keyes and we never get embarassed on the international stage by dodgy Royals – that's just 7 of the 101 Reasons Why Ireland Is Better Than England. This tongue-in-cheek sweep across the two nations is aimed at Irish people, wherever they live, not to mention the 10 million English people who move over here after Brexit. With our neighbour losing its marbles, there has never been a better time to exact revenge for the two most despicable things that England has ever inflicted on the Irish – Jacob Rees-Mogg and claiming Saoirse Ronan is British.
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© Pat Fitzpatrick, 2020
Epub ISBN: 978 1 78117 769 3
This eBook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.
INTRODUCTION
This book is dedicated to Nigel Farage.
If it weren’t for him, I’d be arguing that Ireland is better than one of the most progressive and open-minded nations in the world and you’d all think that I was a complete gobshite.
But now we have a new England, which is really an old England, and hardly anyone likes it. So I’ve only two words for you, Nigel – cheers mate.
Section 1
World-Class Tourist Attractions
1
Skellig Michael
A friend comes over from England and you decide to show him something so amazing about Ireland that he heads home feeling absolutely shit about his own country. So you bring him on the boat out to Skellig Michael, off the coast of Kerry, and give him some well-worn chat.
YOU: This is where Irish monks saved western civilisation while ye were still scratching yeer arses in a cave.
HIM: We gave the world Shakespeare, The Beatles and the rule of law. What has this rock got over Cambridge and Oxford?
YOU: You don’t have to be rich to come here. And the key texts of Greek and Roman philosophy would have been lost during the carnage of the Dark Ages if the monks on Skellig Michael hadn’t written them down for posterity.
HIM: Do you not feel odd boasting about monks, given your history with the Catholic Church?
YOU: You take your wins where you can get them. Are you not impressed that almost 20,000 visitors trek out here every year to pay tribute to this amazing seat of learning?
HIM: Is that why everyone on this boat has a toy Lightsaber?
YOU: One or two might be here because the island featured in Star Wars.
HIM: Sorry mate, but are you going to spend the next three days having a go at me because I’m English?
YOU: That’s nothing compared to 800 years of oppression.
HIM: What about your 100,000 welcomes?
YOU: Ah, that’s just some old shit we roll out for the Yanks.
2
Big Ben Me Bollocks
It’s not that long since people in London were arguing over whether or not they should strike Big Ben on 31 January 2020 to celebrate Brexit, and how much it would cost per bong. It’s not clear if the bong in question was the one they were all smoking from – but if I had to guess, I’d say YES.
It’s sad to see Big Ben getting dragged into this. He sounds like a nice old fella, with a name suggesting a lovable bear that is just dying for people to get along. Instead, this big old bell has been refuelling the question about England that has puzzled mankind for centuries – how the Jesus did this lot conquer a quarter of the planet?
A far better bell is Shandon Bells in Cork. You can climb up the bell tower for a fiver and ring out whatever you like, whether it’s the theme tune from Game of Thrones or maybe ‘Hey Jude’. This feature has a touch of celebration about it and even brings people together – especially those living in the warren of streets below the tower, who all agree that it’s driving them around the twist. (‘Hey Jude’ is brilliant the first time you hear it on the bells. After that, not so much.)
Whatever, it’s just a bit of fun. Unlike the grim goings-on with poor Big Ben – that was just bongkers. (Sorry.)
3
The Irish Pub
Pop quiz. How many times have you met a tourist anywhere in the world looking for directions to the nearest English pub? Never, except maybe an English person on the Costa del Sol complaining that the place is overrun with foreigners.
No, your average tourist wants an Irish pub, of which there are two types. The first is overseas and will often be called ‘Irish Pub’, because there is no point in complicating these things. It is full of Irish emigrants who swore they would immerse themselves in the local culture, only to discover that Canadians aren’t really into drinking. So they huddle around pint bottles of Bulmers, watching a GAA match they’re not interested in, because they need something to talk about when they FaceTime the old man tomorrow.
The second kind of Irish bar is, unsurprisingly, in Ireland. Unlike your English pub, it won’t have a name like ‘The Bishop’s G-String’ because that’s just silly and drinking is a serious business. A local Irish pub is more likely to be called O’Hanlon’s, with a woman called O’Hanlon behind the bar. Nobody ever messes with Mrs O’Hanlon. She’s the main reason we love the place.
The other difference between an Irish and English pub is the lack of slot machines. It’s a strange one, but Irish people don’t like gambling in a pub, unless it’s with their liver. (Or someone else’s liver; it’s never been easier to get a transplant.)
4
Newgrange vs Stonehenge
The Stone Age passage tomb at Newgrange is 200 years older than England’s Stonehenge. Take that, you Johnny-Come-Lately pile of standing stones. (Newgrange is also older than the Great Pyramids of Giza, in case any Egyptian reading this is feeling good about themselves.)
Reportedly, the government in London is planning to build a tunnel near Stonehenge that will wreck precious ancient features, according to conservationists and druids. (I normally steer clear of using druids to support my argument, but needs must.) A lot of English people don’t seem to care about this act of vandalism – what’s 3,000 years of history compared to shorter journey times on the A303?
We’d never ransack Newgrange like that. It’s not because we’re arch-conservationists – google ‘Wood Quay Viking’ or ‘Overcrowding at Hill of Tara’ if you want to see our record there. Newgrange is precious because, at sunrise during the winter solstice, the ingenious roof-box at the entrance allows light to penetrate all the way into the burial chamber. This corresponds with another ancient annual ritual in Ireland, where we show a video of this happening on the news that night in the hope that some English people will see it and realise ‘thick Paddy’ is anything but, and actually comes from a long line of brainboxes.
You see, Newgrange adds ten points to our national IQ. We’re not going to undermine that with a tunnel.
5
Giant’s Causeway
Or the ‘What the Fuck Causeway?’ as it’s known to people who see it for the first time. The Trade Descriptions Act obviously came into force after they named this rocky outcrop on the north Antrim coast. Let’s just say the word ‘giant’ is misleading.
I’m surprised a group of American tourists – ‘I thought it would be bigger, Chad’ – haven’t taken a class action against the Causeway for false advertising. (If you think a certain type of American won’t sue a volcanic rock formation, then you need to watch more daytime TV.)
That said, there is a reason the attraction rates 4.5 on TripAdvisor. And that is because it’s very, very attractive. An objective Kerry person would probably even concede that this is the most gorgeous stretch of coast on the island – if there were such a thing as an objective Kerry person. (They’re more likely to concede that Dingle is on its fourth Fungie.) It certainly beats any stretch of coast in England.
And anyway, size isn’t everything (a phrase Chad keeps hearing from his missus) when it comes to rock formations. The weird precision of the hexagons at the Giant’s Causeway is as impressive as the legend behind them. Apparently, it was formed when Fionn MacCumhail tossed the rocks into the sea so he could walk across to Scotland and teach some local giant a lesson. However, the Scottish giant ended up chasing him back across the water, meaning that Fionn’s wife had to disguise Fionn as a baby to hide him. But when the Scot saw the size of ‘the baby’, he decided that the dad must be enormous, and so retreated homeward tae think again.
In your face King Arthur’s round table – that’s what we call a legend over here.
6
A Better Second City
Belfast is the second city of Ireland. Now this will be seen as a provocative statement by a threatened minority on the island who feel that everyone is out to get them. But that’s Cork people for you.
Belfast has an undeserved image problem. Every second city has its rundown areas, says anyone who’s been to Birmingham. At least Belfast has an excuse. (A thirty-year war, before you ask – I don’t want to assume that everyone here has read the same history.) In reality, Belfast is handsome and intriguing and at least half of the people there feel British. (There’s something it has in common with Dublin, says anyone from outside The Pale.)
Belfast is perfect for a city break. There’s the Crown Bar for a pint, and an award-winning walking tour called ‘A History of Terror’, which sounds like a lot more fun than plodding around some giant cathedral in Spain because you need a break from the sun. The Titanic Experience is a top museum, particularly if you are tired of celebrating unqualified success stories, because, in fairness, it sank. Outside the city, you’re a dash away from some of the most amazing coastline in Europe (see the aforementioned not-so-Giant’s Causeway).
This is in contrast to England’s second city, Birmingham, which describes itself as the ‘Venice of the North’ because it has a few canals – and a very, very good sense of humour.
Be careful, though, if you plan to use Belfast as a base for a tour around Game ofThrones locations in Northern Ireland. Nothing says ‘worst day ever’ more than being stuck on a mini-bus full of nerds from Minnesota swapping phrases in Dothraki. So if you do decide to go to The Dark Hedges for Instagram moments, make sure you go on your own.
7
The Cliffs
The white cliffs of Dover are the first thing you see as you approach England from the south-east. Thanks to increased erosion, they could soon be the first thing you see of Scotland. But then what else would you expect from a weak-ass, chalky cliff?
You don’t get that from the cliffs of Moher, on the west coast of Ireland. They’re made of a tough limestone that has been around for 320 million years, which is nearly the amount in euro that you have to pay at the official car park.
Stand on the cliffs of Moher on a clear day (the next one is due in 2023) and you can see awesome sea-stacks, sea-caves and a haunting view of the horizon. Peer out from the cliffs of Dover, meanwhile, and the view is of ferry-loads of people fleeing Britain because they can’t be doing with Brexit.
There’s just no comparison. A quick look at TripAdvisor shows that Moher has had 13,800 visits, while Dover weighs in with a chalky-weak 2,700. The Clare cliffs get a 4.5, which would be a 5 if it weren’t for the aforementioned cost of parking. It would be nice to think that this could be less than €8 per adult, but that’s unlikely given that Irish tourism’s new mission statement is: ‘We strive to attract a growing number of visitors with our world-class scenery so we can squeeze the fecking pips out of them, lads.’ (Not the actual mission statement of Irish tourism, before ye get all lawyered up.)
8
The Burren
‘There is not enough water to drown a man, wood enough to hang one, or earth enough to bury.’ That’s the Burren in North Clare according to General Edmund Ludlow, Cromwellian general, 1651. Most English readers won’t spot the trigger word in that last sentence – in fact, the history of Anglo-Irish misunderstanding could be summed up with: ‘Are you sure we’re talking about the same Cromwell?’
Anyway, the Burren. It’s an area of north Clare edging onto Galway Bay which looks something like a giant limestone pavement. The first time you see it, you think you’ve taken a wrong turn and ended up on the moon. This impression won’t necessarily change when you bump into a local either, because Clare people can be a bit loony.
The Burren includes Poulnabrone dolmen, one of Ireland’s most iconic megalithic monuments. A portal tomb dating back almost 6,000 years, it consists of standing stones with a giant capstone sitting on top of them. Historians believe this monument is the origin of the Irish funeral condolence ‘sorry for your troubles’ – acknowledging that, on top of your grief, you’ll need to drag giant boulders halfway around Galway Bay just to bury the hoor. (I paraphrase, but not much.)
I’m sure there are dolmens in England as well, probably built by Irishmen, because we’re mad for the bit of construction. But wherever they are placed, the locations can’t compete with the spectacular, eerie setting of the Burren. And if nothing else, General Ludlow, Poulnabrone shows that it is possible to bury someone in the Burren – as long as you put your back into it. (Ah sure look, he was probably tired after all the massacring.)
9
Dublin vs London
I was going to call this bit Cork vs London, but I decided to give London a fighting chance. (Buy my other book; it’s much funnier than this one.)
In a way, it’s impossible to contrast the two cities. One is over-crowded, over-priced and over-confident. And so is the other. But there are a few things that put Dublin on top.
