A Manual for sexually mature idlers E-Book

Nikolay Ilchevski

• Herausgeber: BookRix
• Kategorie: Lebensstil
• Sprache: Englisch

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2019

Beschreibung

As a guide to self-determination, the writer straight out explosions of laughter from the reader and the people around are beginning to wonder what was happening.

Several signs by which to determine if you are an animal or person ...
How do you understand if you are a woman or a man .....
How to understand whether you falling in love or just ...

In 15 chapters addresses the main concerns of modern human - what is a courtship, what is a sex, what is a friend, how to contradistinguish them and how to orientate in the complicated maze that separates the world of male and female.

In the form of checklist you can finds the main differences between men and women, and different tests to check on friends to check whether he/she loved you and whether you jealous.

This is an incredible book - brilliant language, metaphors and so thin sharp turns in humor that flew out of the "bends" and you continue to giggles from the ditch.

“Ninety per cent of the world population problems exist only because they never read this book.” Christopher Columbus

Do not risk buying this manual. Better steal it. So no one would know you have it. If you cannot steal, ask a friend to do so and then kill him to cover the tracks. If you cannot kill, hire a hit man. If you cannot decide between those two options, buy this manual along with fifty other books and slowly get out on the street. Do not look around. Turn calmly onto the first corner street, throw away all the other books and run couple of miles choosing the most narrow town alleys. Circuit the country using as many vehicles as possible, constantly changing your clothes and impersonating whoever you wish. Return to your place of residence around midnight, take off your shoes and bury them under a three in the most distant park. Tiptoe home, leave a note to your relatives that you’ll go to an expedition in Sahara desert, and quietly barricade yourself in the basement. There, between the cement bags and the jars of chutney, you may open this manual. Just in case, read it at candlelight. And start from the epilog.

Leseprobe

Nikolay Ilchevski

A Manual for sexually mature idlers

BookRix GmbH & Co. KG81371 Munich

WHAT ARE YOU?

This book is meant for people. If you are standing in front of it, over it, next to it, under it, and you’re neither licking it for the smell of printing ink, nor tearing at it, tossing it up or chasing it, but leafing through the pages instead, there is a real possibility that you might be a human. However, cautiously handling the pages is not a sufficient condition to be appointed as belonging to Homo sapiens, because many animals can be trained in a similar manner. The parrot of my close friend carefully checks out its master’s books in order to find hidden money. So do some wives. Besides, any foreigner lacking knowledge in this particular language, could scroll through these pages without any benefit, so could do a monkey, too. The difference between animals and humans is small and sometimes quite fuzzy. In order to pinpoint a position in these matters, one needs more landmarks. They can be endless, but here are some examples:

If you are in the zoo - watch carefully through the bars. If beyond, across from you, are positioned several beings who spit on you, grin at you, roar or moo just to challenge you, beings who throw rocks and candies at you, who try to breach the fence; and if you cannot get out of your cage to peck on their butts or bite them - you're an animal. If the beings on the other side show no interest while you are scratching vehemently your neck, while beating up your offspring or while removing sand from your pockets, then you are something different. If, moreover, for one day nobody brings you hay or raw meat and you are forced to pay for your brandy in the nearest pub while predatory gazing at the waiter carrying half-baked morsels, you're a man.

If you are in the woods and at the slightest noise freeze and listen, if you feel fear, if you do not know how to determine the directions of the world, if you have nothing to eat and you are drained of walking and running, yet you do not enter into the nearest village, surely you are an animal.

If you are in the woods and do not know where is north and where is south, if you have difficulties distinguishing bushes and grass, if you do not know what to eat or how to find the way out, and the ranger instead of helping you is sneaking secretly behind you with a loaded rifle and extinguisher, you're a man.

The difference can be found in the most ordinary residence, as long as several creatures coexist together. If within year or two between you is not established full verbal contact, someone in the group is an animal. If you all love to watch TV, but one claims the right to change the channels when he pleases and to off it when he’s tired, despite the protests of others, this is a sign that he is a man. The rest can be animals, wives or guests.

If someone baths you, even though you are fully developed and hairy enough you are an animal, for sure. But if, plus the above mentioned you are sent to do grocery or entrusted with responsibilities such as flipping the fuse on again, watering the plants or folding the laundry, now this is something else.

You could define yourself best:

At the beach- no animal hesitates for two weeks where to live - whether in the water or on the land;On the night streets- people pee all over around the pubs but animals pee only at the corners or in the bushes;The entire surface of the planet, where animals copulate monotonously and within specified periods, but people make love consistently and everywhere.

   Once you made sure you are a person, you will need to gather a little more courage and try to find out to which of the sexes you belong. This is important for the breeding and for some subtleties in the clothing. But if you're 96 years old and have not yet felt the need of these things do not bother to read on.

Why sexes exist is getting more difficult to understand. Up until the middle of the last century this existence was explained by the human need to reproduce. According to the then understanding, in order to have a child at least one man and one woman were required. Today, with the advent of genetic engineering laboratories, scientists argue that to conceive a baby is required at least one man, but for a baby to be born - at least one tube…

Of course, despite the beauty of technical progress, most people prefer sex to such laboratories. Which is why the issue of distinctiveness between man and woman is not entirely neglected.

Being man or woman is becoming essential when approaching maturity. For the impatient will give two quick examples. In moral terms a man and a woman are like an astronomer and a gossiper, who, in entirely different ways, are trying to understand and explain the existence of the world. And its meaning. With respect to physiology I see no better parallel of the one with a plug and a socket. If you have not rushed yet to search observatory or phase meter, you will learn a few more tips for peaceful settlement of the dispute whether you are

MAN OR WOMAN.

It is easier if you go to a public bathroom. Without pausing, looking around and asking, enter one of the two doors. If a moment later you are thrown out it means you are a man and you intruded ladies room. But if there is sudden excitement inside and no one minds you most likely the sign on the door read “MEN” and you are not one.

In case you are timid and shy in public, you could gather information about your own sex alone at home, using a mirror. There are some important stuff you should consider. If you are flatchested do not throw away your thongs just yet. Also, if you have any bumps on your chest area do not conclude you might become a mother. You may be all goose-flesh or you may actually see some of your flabs. Checking out the labels on your underwear can do the verification, as well as to which one of the porn characters you sympathize. But nowadays everything is so relative… However, here are some sure signs that

YOU ARE A MAN:

You shave everydayToo tight underwear makes you feel uncomfortableShortly after puberty you acquire hunting passion for womenWhen you think about getting rich quickly you imagine more often robbery than marriageA woman rarely would exclaim on the street: “Look at those tits!”You don’t get pregnant even when you practice promiscuous sexYou swear not abstractly, but always with great confidence and with a curtain amount of hope.

Here are some sure signs that

YOU ARE A WOMAN:

Gambling does not tempt you – you prefer to play it safeShould you decide to radically change as a person, you would always start with your hairThe mechanism of you laundry machine could never interests you more than its designYou can not really understand why there are such sports as boxing, karate and baseballIn the bus, men tend to grab your boobs instead of the handles (Oh-shit-bars). This is because most women have busts and most men have taste for bustsA mouse in the kitchen can always surprise you and scare you more than a stranger in your bed

UNEXPLAINABLE GENDER PARADOXES

Because of the gender differences, in the daily life of humans could be observed great paradoxes. Most men and women insist on showing their gender belonging and proving the superiority of their own gender over the other. Despite their straggle for supremacy, on personal level they all seek convergence with representative of the opposite sex. Mantis Religiosa is easy to understand - one will be eaten. But humans?

PARADOX 1

SQUABBLES WITHOUT CONSUMPTION

Sex and marriage do not necessarily lead to eating your partner afterwards, as do certain insects. Among people marital murders are rare and are not motivated by nutritional deficiency. When a jealous wife, after unsuccessful sexual act, sticks an axe (nail or crochet hook) into the sleeping husband’s head, she never set out a pan to fry his cock. Or to cook his even softer liver. Nor does surprisingly returning husband (who terminates the infidelity by killing his wife first or killing just his wife) prepare jars to can up the lovers for the next winter.

It is known than billions of men and women live together for many years, even decades. True – in constant confrontation, denial, plucking, beating but not annihilation. Why, despite the antagonism, they couple up and suffer? ...

PARADOX 2

REQUIRED REPEATITION OF THE ERROR

Another paradox is that once totally disappointed in a friendship or marriage, the man and the woman split and vow never to repeat same mistake again, but in 99,99% of the cases the man seeks the company of a woman again and the woman tries to conquer another man.

PARADOX 3

PERSISITENT REPRODUCTION OF CONFLICTS

Even greater paradox is that despite the great hatred and mutual denial, despite the belief that nature was not perfect, while dividing humanity exactly the way it did, men and women continue to produce and nurture future men and women and even to enjoy them.

PARADOX 4

MAKE CONFLICTS NOT WAR

Today there is a mystery, unnoticed by many. For nearly ten thousand years conscious and documented existence, humanity had led countless wars, but none of them was between men and women. Why? Why, as it is, every second on the planet average of two million women reach out with different objects for the opposite sex and the same number of men try to overtake - even with their bare hands - women? Why in this grim discovery of statistics there is no danger of global incident between genders? Why a scandal, starting with a family quarrel, do not spread on the streets and lead to mass brawl between male and female gangs...?

Total mystery! Something more – perversions and orgies are despised by both sexes more than any exchange of slaps. Nevertheless, group sex is practiced way more ofthen than mass fray. Incredible, isn’t it?

THE ORIGINE OF LOVE AND COURTSHIP

 Courtship and falling in love in the classic version follow chronologically one after another. Today, however, they frequently change their places in the pattern of behavior, often occur simultaneously, and sometimes can be observed independently.

Courtship phenomenon is older than falling in love and people probably borrowed it from animals. Proof of this is that animals have clearly expressed rituals for the suitors during the breeding season, exept any signs that there is amorous anguish of human type, such as: "Ah, I can not sleep because she is not home yet... "or" I'll bite your neck, because you looked at her…"

Falling in love has been patent by the man later on, after mastering the courtship learned from his wild counterparts, which in turn has long been the dessert in the marriage ceremonies. It is intersting to know the reasons why falling in love has been placed in front of the historically older "courtship".

At the dawn of human existance men acted as the animals - breeding was done with brief ceremonies like brushing against, roaring, biting and other rapprochements. Contacts between men and women in those early centuries were quick and boring, because daydreaming and musing, so typical for love, would have been fatal for a life in the forest and steppe. How could you ogle for hours if, literary, from every bush could pop out something and bite your ass. More refined manners were born during the Paleolith with the settlement of the mankind in caves.

LIVING IN THE CAVES GIVES BIRTH TO FOLLING IN LOVE

My many years of research categorically proved that it was in the Stone Age when the rough courtship gave birth to the notorious byproduct - falling in love. Bitten and fertilized on the way to the cave, woman would be dragged to the fire and allowed to pick her nails. Her captor would stretch out across of her on a skin and watch her with undisguised satisfaction - as a valuable trophy. But because this ancient courtship would hindered the planned hunt, her host would look at her with hungry eyes. And he wouldn’t be ashamed of the dilemma whether to become HUSBAND or CANNIBAL.

Both desires were equally strong and very often males under the stone logic (iron logic appeared later with the discovery of copper), would eat their sweethearts in order to ensure the strength for new courtship the next day.

In such critical moments by the fire only the smartest and enterprising women would feel the ambivalence of the groom and would stuff his mouth with roots, herbs or charred remains of an old dinner. Thus they were able to save themselves and the marriage.

INTELLIGENT WOMEN ARE THE RESULT OF NATURAL SELECTION

Temporarily satiated male would look at the world with satisfaction (even more gently and more objectively), because he wasn’t forced to imagine his lady cut into pieces, but see her in her integrity. And enjoy it. She did learn to pluck the vegetation around the cave (the woman created environmental problems in the name of happiness - but that's a topic for another book), and night after night he got used to stare at her silently and with joy.