A Practical Guide to Building Self-Esteem E-Book

David Bonham-Carter

• Herausgeber: Icon Books
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Serie: Practical Guide Series
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 209

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2012

Beschreibung

This Practical Guide shows you how raising your self-esteem can make you feel better about yourself; let you stop you worrying about whether you are doing the right thing or whether you are good enough; help you engage in relationships constructively without putting yourself down and allow you to assert yourself effectively in all situations. Self-esteem has been shown to be a key indicator of success in life and in the work place. Filled with straightforward, practical advice, this guide shows you how to improve your self-esteem and stop worrying about what other people think.

Leseprobe

First published in the UK in 2012 by Icon Books Ltd, Omnibus Business Centre, 39–41 North Road, London N7 9DP email: [e-mail]

This electronic edition published in the UK in 2012 by Icon Books Ltd

ISBN: 978-1-84831-366-8 (ePub format) ISBN: 978-1-84831-367-5 (Adobe eBook format)

Printed edition sold in the UK, Europe, South Africa and Asia by Faber & Faber Ltd, Bloomsbury House, 74–77 Great Russell Street, London WC1B 3DA or their agents

Printed edition distributed in the UK, Europe, South Africa and Asia by TBS Ltd, TBS Distribution Centre, Colchester Road, Frating Green, Colchester CO7 7DW

Printed edition published in Australia in 2012 by Allen & Unwin Pty Ltd, PO Box 8500, 83 Alexander Street, Crows Nest, NSW 2065

Printed edition distributed in Canada by Penguin Books Canada, 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3

Printed edition published in the USA in 2012 by Icon Books Inquiries to: Icon Books Ltd, Omnibus Business Centre, 39–41 North Road, London N7 9DP, UK

Printed edition distributed to the trade in the USA by Consortium Book Sales and Distribution The Keg House, 34 Thirteenth Avenue NE, Suite 101, Minneapolis, MN 55413-1007

Text copyright © 2012 David Bonham-Carter

The author has asserted his moral rights.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form, or by any means, without prior permission in writing from the publisher.

Typeset in Avenir by Marie Doherty

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

About the author

Epigraph

Introduction: The journey to self-esteem

1. Value yourself

2. Accept yourself

3. Look after yourself

4. Understand yourself

5. Empower yourself

Conclusion: Continuing your journey to self-esteem

Appendix: The Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale

Additional resources

Index

About the author

David Bonham-Carter is a life coach and writer on self-help topics who specializes in helping people struggling with self-esteem, anxiety, assertiveness and related difficulties. For many years David worked in the UK as a social worker helping people from a range of backgrounds to achieve positive changes in their lives through face-to-face work before setting up his own life coaching practice in Bristol. He has a Masters Degree in Social Work from the University of Kent (passed with distinction) and a Masters Degree in Philosophy from the University of Bristol. He has a particular interest in the use of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) techniques for helping people to develop self-esteem and assertiveness skills and he has written a number of guides to dealing with particular emotional and cognitive difficulties. More information about his life coaching service and his practical self-help guides is available at his website: www.davidbonham-carter.com.

David would like to thank Denise for her incisive and helpful comments on the first draft of the book.

‘It is the mind that maketh good or ill,

That maketh wretch or happy, rich or poor.’

—Edmund Spenser, The Faerie Queene, Book VI, Canto IX

Introduction: The journey to self-esteem

Self-esteem and attitudes to the self

As human beings we make judgements all the time about the world we live in, the situations we are involved in and the people we come into contact with. If you have low self-esteem you make negative judgements about yourself much of the time. You feel that you are not good enough or that you do not act well enough. Self-esteem is therefore intimately connected with self-perception and goes to the core of your identity. In this book I aim to present you with some helpful ideas on self-esteem and dealing with negative thoughts about yourself, in a format that is informative and practical.

Different traditions and cultures have produced their own accounts of self-consciousness and desirable attitudes to take towards the self: the Chinese sage Lao Tzu counselled in the Tao Te Ching that mastering the self requires strength, the ancient Greek philosopher Socrates urged: ‘Know thyself’, and René Descartes ushered in modern Western philosophy with the famous observation ‘I think therefore I am.’ Ideas from Hindu and Buddhist philosophical approaches and meditation techniques for observing yourself or ‘letting go’ of thoughts have also been adapted by recent American and British self-help authors to help with self-esteem and other issues.

A new approach to self-esteem – five key ingredients

To provide a new approach to self-esteem that is easy to follow, I have separated out the aspects of developing self-esteem into five key ingredients, each of which has a chapter devoted to it. Together the first letters of each of the five key ingredients combine to form the word VALUE:

Value yourself

Accept yourself

Look after yourself

Understand yourself

Empower yourself

Chapter 1 on valuing yourself covers techniques that you can use for building a positive self-image and techniques for countering limiting beliefs that may be inhibiting you from developing your potential.

Chapter 2 on accepting yourself covers techniques that you can use to help you develop an attitude of self-acceptance, both in putting negative thoughts about yourself in particular situations in perspective and in dealing with an overall sense of inadequacy, if that is something you experience.

Chapter 3 on looking after yourself considers an area which is sometimes undervalued in discussions of self-esteem – that of taking good care of your mind and body. This is important because your mental and physical health are often intimately connected.

In chapter 4 on understanding yourself I start by examining potential causes of low self-esteem and move from there into illustrating how you can develop your own understanding and awareness of yourself, your identity and your personality in healthy ways that help to address negative voices from your past or present.

Chapter 5 on empowering yourself brings you forward into the arena of developing your assertiveness and improving related communication skills in relationships.

The book’s conclusion then provides you with suggestions as to how you can build on the most relevant parts of what you have learned from the VALUE acronym by developing it into a purposeful plan for you to use.

A practical guide to self-esteem

The book is written as a practical guide. In each chapter I provide tips for you to follow and exercises to try out to help you develop the aspect of self-esteem that is being discussed. I also provide case studies to illustrate how individuals in particular situations might apply the techniques. In compiling the case studies I have drawn on my professional experience as a life coach working with people around self-esteem, as well as on my own personal experience and relationships. The people in the case studies are not real individuals but their dilemmas and efforts reflect concerns and approaches that are common among people that I have worked with or know.

Most of the exercises and techniques that I describe in the book follow a problem-solving approach. I discuss an issue that can create difficulties for your self-esteem, then explain techniques that you can use to help you deal with that issue in a constructive way, illustrating how to apply the techniques through the case studies.

Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT)

We are living in an exciting period in the field of self-development. In recent times there has been a sea change in therapeutic approaches, with many people rejecting the old psychoanalytical accounts of what drives people’s actions and feelings in favour of practical, research-based psychological therapies that focus on addressing negative, distorted or disempowering thoughts in a constructive way.

The approaches that I describe in this book for each of the five key ingredients of self-esteem covered in my VALUE acronym draw heavily on the ideas of one of the most well-known of the modern practical approaches to therapy and self-help: cognitive behavioural therapy – or CBT as it is popularly known. CBT rests on the belief that how we think influences our actions and our feelings, and that by correcting or modifying distorted, erroneous or exaggerated beliefs we can achieve more balanced feelings. There is a substantial body of research suggesting that CBT is particularly helpful for a range of issues that involve negative thinking patterns such as anxiety and depression. Low self-esteem can be a factor in depression and you can apply CBT techniques purposefully to help deal with it.

Fortunately, CBT is not rocket science. In this book I hope to show you how its insights and practical ideas, along with other helpful tools and concepts, can be used to shed light on the issues associated with self-esteem and can also be used to build your self-esteem and keep in perspective the problems that are related to low self-esteem.

In the journey towards a reasonable level of self-esteem we will touch on a number of different ideas about what self-esteem is and what is most important in addressing it. Some of the contributors to the debate about the nature of self-esteem emphasize one aspect of it at the expense of another, which you will see if you investigate any of the resources suggested for further reading at the end of this book. In this practical guide I have sought to present important ideas on self-esteem in a way that forms a coherent whole based on the five key elements of the VALUE acronym. My aim has been to try to illustrate ideas and theories simply and clearly to show how they can be of immediate practical use, providing a route to follow if you are interested in enhancing your own self-esteem or if you are a professional working with people to develop their self-esteem.

The first step on your journey is to assess your current self-esteem. You can find a number of different assessment tools to help with this. One of the most well known is the Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale. Answer the questions in it to start the process of reflecting on or developing your self-esteem:

The Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale

Below is a list of statements dealing with your general feelings about yourself. For each statement, if you strongly agree, circle SA. If you simply agree, circle A. If you disagree, circle D. If you strongly disagree, circle SD.

Source: Rosenberg, Morris 1989. Society and the Adolescent Self-Image. Revised edition, Middletown, CT: Wesleyan University Press.

Devised by Dr Morris Rosenberg, the scale was initially used to assess the self-esteem of a sample group of over 5,000 high school children in New York. Since then it has been widely used in a range of settings and locations with a variety of different user groups, including both adults and children, male and female participants.

In appendix 1 (see pages 202–3), you can find instructions for scoring your answers to the Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale.

If you have achieved reasonable scores in the Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale then it may be that you do not urgently need to follow any of the ideas in this book for yourself. Nonetheless, what follows may help you to deepen your understanding of self-esteem and of the issues that others struggle with in their lives.

On the other hand, if you are not happy with your scores on the Rosenberg Scale, you may well find some of the ideas that follow help you directly. In that case, it’s time to move on to chapter 1 where we consider the first key ingredient in the VALUE acronym for developing self-esteem: valuing yourself.

1. Value yourself

‘If you hear a voice within you say “You cannot paint”, then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.’

—Vincent Van Gogh

Aiming for a reasonable level of self-esteem

Self-esteem is bound up in the feelings and thoughts that you have about yourself, your worth, your abilities and your qualities.

The degree to which you might generally value yourself, your abilities and your actions can fall into one of the three categories below:

1. Person with low self-esteem

• You don’t consider that you have much worth

• You doubt your abilities

• You feel that you do not have many qualities or that those you do have are unimportant

• You are not satisfied with yourself

• You rarely give yourself credit for anything you do.

2. Person with reasonable level of self-esteem

• You feel that you have worth and also recognize other people as having worth

• You recognize the abilities and qualities you have without exaggerating them

• You honestly acknowledge areas where you are not so able

• You are proud of some things you have done and you regret some things.

3. Arrogant or conceited person

• You think that you have a lot of worth, more than other people

• You think that you have a lot of abilities and qualities – and you may exaggerate them

• You don’t recognize or acknowledge failings or you minimize them

• You may dismiss other people’s views or have little regard for them

• You may find it difficult to take reasonable criticism.

If you fall into category 1 or feel that a number of its characteristics apply to you, then this book is for you. We will focus on how someone with a low level of self-esteem can bring themself up to a reasonable level of self-esteem.

Pseudo self-esteem

There are differences of opinion about whether a person who falls within category 3 (arrogant or conceited) should be considered as having a high level of self-esteem or not. Some people regard arrogant and conceited people as having a very high level of self-esteem because they have a high opinion of their abilities and worth – a view which is supported by much of the research that has been done around self-esteem. On the other hand, there are also respected writers in the field of self-esteem such as Nathaniel Branden, author of the book The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, who would probably regard conceited and arrogant people as having ‘pseudo self-esteem’, suggesting that their conceit masks doubts about their self-worth and that their arrogance is really a protective cover for insecurity rather than being genuine self-esteem.

Having a reasonable level of self-esteem (category 2) is, I would suggest, where most people (including myself) would want to be. As the word ‘reasonable’ suggests, it is not about perfection, it is about balance, recognizing and appreciating the positives in your life while also being prepared to honestly acknowledge areas where you might improve.

Problems associated with low self-esteem

Research suggests that if you have low self-esteem it can increase your risk of:

• Depression

• Suicide or suicide attempts

• Eating disorders

• Teenage pregnancy for young women

• Lower earnings and extended unemployment for young men

• Being victimized by others.

There is also evidence to suggest that if your self-esteem is higher:

• You have a better chance of establishing and maintaining successful relationships.

• You are more likely to persist after experiencing an initial failure in attempting something, i.e. you are likely to be better at sustaining your motivation.

Can you have too much self-esteem?

There is some research that suggests that people who participate in potentially dangerous activities such as driving too fast or after having consumed too much alcohol may statistically be more likely to have high self-esteem than low self-esteem, and that people involved in delinquency or violent crime may also be more likely to have high self-esteem than low self-esteem. This may be related to the point made above that high self-esteem can merge into arrogance or conceit, or a lack of respect for others. At any rate, it seems to back up my suggestion that a sensible aim is to have a reasonable level of self-esteem and a degree of balance, rather than to have high self-esteem to the point of arrogance.

Benefits of a reasonable level of self-esteem

I would suggest that some of the potential benefits of having a reasonable level of self-esteem as compared to the two alternatives are as follows:

Advantages of having a reasonable level of self-esteem compared to having a low level of self-esteem:

• You feel better about yourself.

• You don’t have to worry so much about whether you are doing the right thing or whether you are good enough.

• You can engage in relationships constructively without putting yourself down.

• You feel comfortable enough in yourself and confident enough to communicate effectively.

• You are more likely to be able to assert yourself effectively without worrying excessively about what others think.

• You find it easier to focus on the present and concentrate on tasks in hand because you are less anxious.

• You can use your energy constructively instead of being preoccupied by how well you are doing or how you appear to others.

Advantages of having a reasonable level of self-esteem compared to being arrogant and conceited:

• You are better able to sustain genuine relationships because you treat others with respect.

• You are more likely to communicate in a reasonable way rather than to dismiss others’ views unfairly.

• You have a greater ability to work in partnership with others and to learn from others.

• You are better able to assess your actions and abilities honestly and therefore you have better prospects of improving and developing yourself.

• You are more likely to be genuinely respected by others.

The subjectivity of self-esteem

Statistics and research give us some ideas of the benefits of having a reasonable level of self-esteem but not every individual is exactly the same. You may find that some of the benefits suggested above are particularly important and relevant for you, or you may find that there are other reasons, not captured in the above, why it will be helpful for you to have a more balanced level of self-esteem.

On a sheet of paper, write down what you think will be the main benefits of having a reasonable level of self-esteem for you. You can keep your list to hand as you try out some of the ideas in this book, as a motivational tool and reminder of why you are trying to make changes in the way you act and think. You can also refer back to your list after a period of time to help you reflect on whether particular changes you have made have helped. If they have, then continue them. If not, then reflect on why not and adapt or adjust them suitably.

Where to start if you want to improve your self-esteem

Whether you have had low self-esteem since an early age or your self-esteem has fallen due to life circumstances or particular events, you may be able to think of times when your self-esteem was a little better than it is now. Was there anything you were doing differently then that you are not doing now? If so, consider trying to start doing something similar again. Alternatively, if part of the reason why you now feel worse and your self-esteem is lower relates to a change in your circumstances or life events, then ask yourself what would be a different way that you could react to that change to help your self-esteem.

Mary: remembering what works and doing it again

Mary has experienced low self-esteem since as far back as she can remember. When she was a child, she was frequently told by her parents that she wasn’t doing things right and she developed a feeling that she was not good enough. However, on reflecting about times when she felt better about herself, she remembers a period when she was exercising regularly and was also involved in doing different activities on a regular basis. She decides to join a fitness session for women at the local leisure centre once a week and also starts attending a local singing group, as she enjoyed singing in her school choir when younger. She finds that both activities help to take her out of herself. Doing something that she feels is worthwhile raises her spirits and she starts to feel better about herself and her situation.

Robert: changing your reaction to events

When he was younger Robert had a bright, confident personality. He obtained a high-powered job in his mid-twenties working for a large company in London. After a few years a new boss came into the company who was very demanding and highly critical of Robert’s work. Robert began to enjoy his work less and stresses mounted, but he kept on with the work for another three years as he had a young family to support. He started to look for alternative posts but only had limited time to do so. One year the pressure and stresses mounted as the firm began the launch of a new project. On a particularly stressful day, after working late Robert made a relatively minor error for which his boss heavily criticized him. This was the trigger for Robert. He went home and, after discussing it with his wife, decided to resign even though he didn’t have a post to go to. Unfortunately, shortly after his resignation, Robert fell ill and was unable to look for work for several months, during which time he started to blame himself for having given up his job. His belief in himself and his self-esteem fell and at times he began to think that maybe the illness was some kind of punishment for his own shortcomings.

Recently Robert has decided to try to react in a different way to the change in circumstances. Each time that he is tempted to blame himself for what has happened, he reminds himself that actually he discussed resigning with his wife and she agreed, and that he couldn’t have foreseen that he would get ill. Rather than dwell on what might have been, he now consciously tries not to be so hard on himself and to focus on what he can sensibly do in his current situation. He also reminds himself that he wasn’t happy in his work. He talks about his options with his wife and they decide that when he recovers he will try to look for something in a different field of work, even if it is less well paid. This more balanced attitude helps him to cope with his illness and to feel better about himself and his situation. He still sees his situation as unpleasant but he also now sees it as giving him the opportunity to reflect on what is important to him and his family and on how he can try to set personal goals which are relevant to that.

Enjoying yourself

Valuing yourself involves creating some space and time to do things that you enjoy doing. This could be almost anything legal and non-harmful. It could for example include any of the following:

• Listening to music

• Reading and/or writing

• Sports

• Cooking

• Meeting friends

• Helping people

• Self-development activities or research

• Gardening

• Walking

• Playing with your children (if you have children) or contributing to their life

• Watching a good film

• Having a laugh

• Travelling

• Painting

• Looking at scenery

• Finding out about new things

• Working on a particular project or in a role you value or enjoy

• Campaigning for a good cause.

Of course, the above list is not exhaustive. It is just to give a few possible ideas and stimulate you into your own thoughts about your own personal preferences for enjoyable activities – which may be very different!

Give yourself permission to do some things that you enjoy doing. This is one of the first rules of self-esteem. I am not talking here about harmful activities or actions that might cause problems for you or others. I am talking about ordinary, everyday pursuits or pastimes that you can enjoy or find rewarding.

Write down ten activities that you enjoy doing currently or have enjoyed in the past.

Ten things that I enjoy doing:

1. _______________

2. _______________

3. _______________

4. _______________

5. _______________

6. _______________

7. _______________

8. _______________

9. _______________

10. _______________

Commit to doing one thing on your list for one hour within the next two days if you can, or if that is not possible, then do it as soon as possible after the next two days.

Recognizing your positives

Doing some things that you enjoy can help you to feel better about yourself and your situation. It can also serve an additional purpose:

If you suffer from low self-esteem then you are likely to find it much easier to remember your (perceived) negative characteristics and unsuccessful actions than to acknowledge your qualities, abilities or achievements. Even if you do recognize some positives about yourself or your life, you may discount them, minimizing their significance or value or not taking much personal credit for them even when it is due.

If you have a mindset which leads you instinctively to focus on your negatives rather than your positives then you may need some help to balance that process. You can use the exercise that you have just completed – identifying things that you enjoy doing – as a springboard to help you identify and acknowledge some of your positive features.

The way to do this is to look through your list and identify what abilities, qualities and achievements you demonstrate when you do any of the things that you enjoy. Remember that the abilities and qualities don’t have to be achievements that meet a standard set by others. For example the following are qualities:

• Enthusiasm

• Determination

• A sense of humour

• Kindness

• Patience.