Academic Jokes E-Book

S.M. Mathur

• Herausgeber: V&S Publishers
• Kategorie: Lebensstil
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2018

Seitenzahl: 78

Beschreibung

Laughter is the best medicine

Leseprobe

S.M. Mathur

Published by:

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© Copyright: ISBN 978-935-05721-3-9

DISCLAIMER

While every attempt has been made to provide accurate and timely information in this book, neither the author nor the publisher assumes any responsibility for errors, unintended omissions or commissions detected therein. The author and publisher make no representation or warranty with respect to the comprehensiveness or completeness of the contents provided.

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Humour gives relief fromPain during any misfortune.

Abraham Lincoln said:“I laugh because I must not cry”

From the Author’s Desk…….

As we all know, making jokes is no joke, when particularly, it is on a subject like Academics. I have taken over two years to create and assemble these jokes and anecdotes.

I know we have a lot of people with a sense of humour and it would be that they would laugh when they read and re-read the jokes/anecdotes for which I had to energise my grey cells to meet the requirements of the readers.

A lot of the jokes in this book have been drawn from my personal experiences as well or have been created by me. So, keep smiling and remembering me, dear readers, as you read them, for nothing is as precious in the world as a smile on a face!

Contents                                  

   I    Academiscope

  II   Examination Agony

III    School Capers

IV    Science Panorama

 V    Geochronicle

VI    Cyber Symphony

VII   Bibliophile

VIII  Author! Author!

IX    The Queen’s English

X     Medigogy

IAcademiscope

The Governor is the ex-officio Chancellor of the state universities. Many a time he is a politician with hardly any academic pretensions, but some try to show off. One such worthy Governor went for inspection to a university. As he entered the library, he saw before him a rack on which the latest arrivals were displayed—among which was a new edition of Shakespeare. “I am glad,” remarked His Excellency, “that you have the latest works of Shakespeare. He is a great writer. I myself have enjoyed reading many of his novels. By the way, can you give me a list of his latest works?”

This anecdote was told at a function by Professor Hashim Ali, when he was the Vice-Chancellor of the Aligarh Muslim University.

Two men died and presented themselves before the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter asked the first, “What were you doing when you were alive?”

“I was the Vice-Chancellor of an Indian university,” said he.

“You have already suffered the torture of hell on earth and certainly deserve a place in Paradise.”

The next person was asked the same question. “I was the Vice-Chancellor of an Indian university for three consecutive terms.” he replied.

“Put him in Hell,” ordered St. Peter. “He’s got into the habit.”

This brought the house down.

A politically-appointed Vice-Chancellor used to give himself a lot of airs. When a new edition of Who’s Who came to the library, he was sure to find his name in it but it wasn’t there.

“He should be in Who’s He?” remarked a wag in the library.

Another Vice-Chancellor (V.C.) had the habit of saying, “Yes, you are right” to everyone, quite often contradicting himself. Not surprisingly, this caused utter confusion. One evening a group of students came demanding for the cancellation of a cricket match. He said: “You are right,” and ordered cancellation. Moments later, when the cricket captain came to know about this, he rushed to the V.C. and protested: “This cannot be done as the other team has already reached here.” Predictably, the V.C. said: “You are right.”

The wife, who was a witness to this going-on, remarked in disgust: “You say, “You are right, to everyone.”

“You are right, my dear,” out came the pet reply and the wife left the place with utter disgust.

The post of Vice-Chancellor in a Bihar University was lying vacant for a long time as no one was prepared to risk his life. They required a strong man capable of taking on the rowdy students. So, it was seriously considered to invite some famous boxer to take on the job.

The Vice-Chancellors of several universities in North India have to face the onslaught of union and netas, particularly belonging to the ruling party in the state, and so have to think ways of protecting themselves. It is rumoured that a V.C. of a university in Bihar is contemplating to cover himself up in a suit of steel armour.

The participants at a seminar were thoroughly tired after three days of verbal outpourings by distended, self-important academics. At the valedictory function, the convener, himself, thoroughly exhausted, invited the chief guest. “I now request our revered Vice-Chancellor to give his address.”

“Vice-Chancellor’s Lodge, The University Campus,” said the chief guest and sat down amidst thunderous applause.

In the early fifties of the last century, very few Indians could be seen on English streets, and a South Indian with his turban and all was indeed a rarity. One day, Professor Murthy, visiting the Eastern Philosophy Department at Oxford, was followed by a rowdy bunch of street urchins. He tolerated them for a while, but tired of their unwelcome attention, he turned around and shouted, “What do you want?”

“Coo,” said one. “It speaks too.”

It had been snowing in Quebec for hours when an announcement came on the intercom: “Will the students who have parked on the college drive, please move their cars so that we may start clearing the snow.” Fifteen minutes later came another announcement: “Will the five hundred students who want to move the fifteen cars parked on the college drive return to their classes.”

A moral science teacher was bemoaning the spread of promiscuity and AIDS.

At the end of the class, she asked, “Is there a virgin in this classroom? If there is, let her stand up.” Nobody stood up for a while, and when she was about to resume, she noticed a young married student standing at the back with a baby in her arms.

“Excuse me young lady, did you understand the question? I asked if there was a virgin in the room?”

“Yes ma’am, said the mother, “but did you expect this three-month old baby to stand up by herself?”

The king of Greece came on a state visit to India in 1962. Welcoming him, President Sarvapalli Radhakrishnan said, “Your Majesty, you are the first King of Greece to come as our honoured guest. Alexander came uninvited.”

In the good old days, when the Indians, who went for study in England, took a lot of taboos with themselves. They were particularly warned by their families about the enticing ways of English girls because at that time for an Indian to bring home an English bride was considered almost sacrilegious and merited ostracisation.

An Indian student ordered at a restaurant: “One coffee and vegetable sandwiches, please.”

“Yes, with pleasure,” acknowledged the pretty waitress.

“Oh, no.” responded the student with alarm. “Only the food please, and no pleasure.”

Attempts to ensure gender equality can sometimes have hilarious consequences. A university, trying to eliminate sexism from its adult education prospectus has offered a course in maternity and child care for ‘pregnant persons’.

Gambling is a taboo in some cultures and is considered a sin. So, when the professor at the University of Reading, U.K., wanted to demonstrate a certain concept in statistics, he rolled a dice, but was not sure if the demonstration offended any foreign student in the class. He asked an Indian student: “Is this gambling demonstration offensive to you?”

“No,” he replied. “But for gambling, there would not have been the Hindu epic, Mahabharata!”

A