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- Herausgeber: The O'Brien Press
- Kategorie: Sachliteratur, Reportagen, Biografien
- Sprache: Englisch
- Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2023
Phil Quinlan was a sports-mad fifteen year old when he packed his bag one Sunday morning in 1989 to play a game of football. A clash of heads on the pitch changed his life forever. Falling into a coma, he was given a twenty-five-percent chance to live. He regained consciousness six weeks later, waking to a world filled with pain. Full of hope and humour, rage and despair, this is Phil's story of chronic pain and rehabilitation, travelling the globe and finding love. A hugely inspirational tale of determination to overcome the results of a devastating injury.
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Dedication
For Mam and Dad, who dragged me through the first half …
For Helena, Eileen and Joe, who are hauling me through the second half and injury time …6
Contents
Foreword
This could have been an altogether different book. Were it not for the cruellest of accidents, you could have in your hands the autobiography of Phil Quinlan, Premier League footballer, Olympic gold medal-winning triathlete or record Irish try-scorer. Instead, it’s a book about how a young boy’s dreams were sundered by rotten luck and how his adult self battled and eventually succeeded in reaching an accommodation with that.
Most of us who love sport grew up playing out scenarios in our minds that placed us centre stage in some heroic drama or other. We imagined ourselves scoring the winning goal in a World Cup final, breasting the line first at the end of a 100-metre sprint, or throwing a right hook out of nowhere to put the world heavyweight champion on the seat of his pants.
For most of us, our dreams remained just that. In my case, poor eyesight and puniness, as well as physical and moral cowardice, put paid to my sporting ambitions, such as they ever were. By the time I was fourteen, I knew that if I was going to be involved in sport, it would be as an observer, although if I worked really hard, I thought, I might persuade a newspaper to pay me to observe it.
No child grows up dreaming of sitting on a side-line with a laptop computer, of course, but that was the adjustment I had to make because of the various ways in which nature short-changed me. I am fifty-two years of age and I am just about okay with it now.
Some dreams break on bigger rocks. Like Phil Quinlan’s. On a foggy day in 1989, while playing for Parkvilla against Torro United, he rose to head a ball 10and sustained an injury that sounded as innocuous as it’s described in the title of this book. We’ve all knocked heads with someone else. Usually, you stand up, feeling dazed and sore, and you carry on. But sometimes it doesn’t happen like that. Phil’s was one of those freak injuries that couldn’t be ‘run off’.
It left him in a coma with a one-in-four chance of survival. He beat the odds but woke from his sinister sleep to discover that his challenges were no longer evading tackles, or jumping hurdles, or beating a centre-half for pace. They were more mundane goals, like learning to walk again – ‘barefoot on broken glass’ is the phrase he uses to describe the experience – and learning to live with the knowledge of what was lost while he set about – in another memorable phrase – ‘wobbling around the world’.
The story contained within these covers isn’t the conventional tale of sporting triumph. There is no Rocky II ending. It’s about a different kind of triumph, less dramatic perhaps, less televisual certainly, but no less heroic. It’s a story of adaptation and in the end acceptance.
In these pages, we watch the process unfold as if in real time. The journey takes us to some extraordinary places, through the voluntary work, travels and relationships that added perspective to his experience. We also meet the entire dramatis personae of his story, including the medical staff who attended to him and the boy – now man – whose head delivered the accidental bang on the ear that left him with a lifetime of pain and paralysis.
There is rage and bitterness and self-pity in these pages. But what would a story like this be worth without those elements? He deals with the legacy of what happened to him in a way that is both real and deeply moving. In one especially harrowing piece, he talks of ‘sitting here pretending I’m okay, when all I can think is, “What doesn’t kill you sometimes makes you wish it had.”’11
We get nothing less than the full gamut of emotions that he went through. There are moments in this book that made me feel uplifted and others that broke my heart like a coconut. Tempering his anger is his gradual discovery of the scattergun cruelty of life, as people he loved – and considered fortunate not to have an affliction like his – had their own lives snuffed out just as suddenly and as senselessly as his was catastrophically altered.
And through all the pages of painful self-examination and self-discovery, his passion for sport remains undimmed. So many of his memories are defined and coloured by his love of football, rugby, Gaelic and athletics. He recalls reading Paul McGrath’s autobiography on the day he lost his virginity. He remembers a painful relationship break-up that happened after a cinema date to see, of all movies, Jerry Maguire. Sporting events are his ordinances. The points on his compass.
In his dreams, Phil still runs the length of Kalungwishi Street in the Zambia of his childhood, hunting down John Ngugi and Dieter Baumann to win gold for Ireland, even as the morning brings the inevitable, waking realisation that he’s a disabled, middle-aged man now. But there’s also the consolation of watching his children fall headlong in love with sport just as he did at their age.
This is an extraordinary memoir of a sporting life curtailed. It doesn’t end with a Grand Slam, or an Olympic medal, or a winning goal in an All Ireland football final. But those of us who love sport know that most of its greatest heroes have never stood on a victory rostrum.
This is the story of Phil Quinlan. It’s unlikely you’ve ever heard of him before. But by the time you finish this book, you won’t forget him.
Paul Howard, January 202312
Prologue
Every Step You Take
Mam and Dad are nervously watching me attempt my first steps. I don’t know how I know, but I know. I suppose they’re nervous because they’re that little bit older now, older than most to be wondering what the following weeks, months, and years have in store if I can just put one foot in front of the other. That’s going to be easier said than done, of course. My brain is firing signal after signal, but it’s not quite working the way it should and the signals are getting lost on the way to my feet.
Still, in the back of my mind I want Mam and Dad to be proud. I want them to know that if I can do this, I can do anything. I think about my dog at home, Lucky, and how I might get to play with him if I can just get from this side of the room to the other. It’s only five metres but, right now, it might as well be five miles.
It’s sometimes hard to believe the moment ever happened; that I was ever in the middle of all that love, and belief, and possibility, because now I’m not. The love was real, I know that because I can still feel it thirty years later. The belief, however, was a disguise; some kid in a black bin bag and plastic mask worn to stop myself realising I was living in blind hope, not expectation. And as for possibility, well, anyone who tells you possibilities are endless has never spent their life waiting for Meath to lift the Liam MacCarthy Cup.14
I catch Dad’s eye; he’s trying his best not to show it, but he’s apprehensive. I know the look. It was the same one he wore when Ireland travelled to Valletta to take on Malta a few months ago. Win, and Ireland would be off to their first World Cup. Lose, and Jack Charlton would have lots of questions to answer with names like Ray Houghton, Paul McGrath and Tony Cascarino in the team. And yet the man to send my dad, and the country, into raptures that day was John Aldridge – a player who’d only found the net once in twenty-eight games for Ireland. For me, I don’t just want to watch the World Cup; I want to play in it. But I won’t be finding the back of the net any time soon. In fact, right now I’d settle for finding my footing.
Mam wears her emotions more openly, drifting between love and fear, excitement and worry. She’s done everything in her power to get these legs of mine working. Spending ages telling me I’d be walking soon; rubbing my legs to get the feeling into my feet. Scribbling into that diary of hers or going to mass after mass after mass; the only things she’s spent more money on than scratch cards are candles.
‘We’ll get there,’ she told herself as much as me. Even more than Dad, she saw my progress – and regression – every day. She was there when I returned from the operation, in a coma. She was there when I had my first ice cream, having not eaten anything in two months. Yesterday, she was there as I managed, with a lot of help, to get out of the chair three times. I’d even put one foot on the ground.
She’d also told me that if I sorted the walking I could get my hair cut any way I wanted. I’d spotted Vinnie Jones in a football annual, Match or something like it. He was with Leeds at the time and had his head shaved at the side, with this mop of hair on the top. You see the same haircut on every Sunday League footballer and Nicky Rackard hurler today, but in 1990 it was unique.15
But even the promise of a new hairdo wasn’t enough to get my feet to listen to my brain in time to walk unaided for my sixteenth birthday. The date wasn’t important of course, and yet it meant everything. Ever since I’d regained consciousness, some six weeks after I woke from a coma, I knew I needed to learn to walk unaided again. That day, I set a goal to do so by my sixteenth birthday. But 7 February came and went and I still wasn’t walking. I did get a pair of runners – ironically enough, from Colm O’Rourke, I suppose – two tracksuits, and a Commodore 64. And I had visitors from Edenderry, Navan and Dublin that day. I even received cards from all the nurses and doctors in the hospital, though I suspect some of them were bribes to get me to give them a go on my computer.
There was one present I didn’t look for, but had to open anyway: pain. The pain is there when I’m lying down. The pain is there when they are washing me in my hospital bed. The pain is there when I’m just thinking about walking, so you can imagine what the pain is like today when I’m actually trying to walk.
But I’m determined to take my first steps because in my dreams I can still run, my legs still work the way they were supposed to and so I’m flying about this way and that. But dreams are just lies we tell ourselves to help us sleep. The reality is that I’m in Beaumont Hospital, three months removed from the injury that changed my life. An accident that I know occurred but can’t quite piece together.
Right now though, I want to move on from the injury. I want to walk. I have to walk.
If I can show everyone that I can start walking by myself again, they’ll let me move to the National Rehabilitation Centre in Dún Laoghaire. The rehabilitation there is all based around sport. It will be perfect for me.16
If I can show everyone that I can start walking by myself again, they’ll let me play rugby. There’s a spot in the starting XV at Lansdowne Road up for grabs. It will be perfect for me.
If I can show everyone that I can start walking by myself again, this whole thing will be chalked up as just a bang on the ear. There’s a whole world of possibilities out there if I can get my foot to hit the floor. It will be perfect for me.
I look my parents in the eyes. I nod. And I lift my left leg …
Chapter 1
Some Things Hurt More, Much More, Than Cars and Girls
26 NOVEMBER 1989 – TWENTY-FOUR MINUTES AFTER THE INJURY
We’d gone a goal up, Bundles (Roy Newman) was the scorer. ‘Do something, Neville,’ our coach Gerry Brown was roaring at Neville Dunne. Not great instructions, but pretty indicative of the general apathy all of us were feeling about playing on a damp, miserable November afternoon.
That’s when I noticed Philip. As disinterested as Neville was, Philip was wandering around the pitch aimlessly. I knew he’d taken a knock earlier in the game, but he seemed to shake it off right enough. ‘Jesus, will you cop yourself on, Philip,’ I said to myself. It was bad enough Gerry was going to give us a bollocking for Neville’s performance, I didn’t need him gathering any more ammunition.
Gerry had noticed though, and hauled Philip off at half-time. About five minutes into the second half, one of the lads noticed that Philip had fallen 18asleep in the dugout. We all started laughing and making fun of him. He was in for it now, once Gerry spotted him.
Within seconds though, the mood shifted dramatically. Someone tried to wake Philip, but he wouldn’t stir. There was blood coming from his ear. ‘He’s dead,’ someone said. ‘Philip is dead.’
John Brady, Parkvilla teammate
AUTUMN 1977 – ELEVEN YEARS BEFORE THE INJURY
Mine was a typical childhood. Born in Limerick. Moved to Navan. Started school in Zambia. Maybe not all that typical actually, but it goes some way towards explaining how a child can be lining out in his imagination for Munster against the All Blacks one minute, and beating the great Kenyans over 5,000 metres the next.
We ended up in Zambia – 151 Kalungwishi Street, Kitwe, to be exact – because Dad had been told an opportunity had come up, but it would mean moving his young family. Zambia had relied on mining for its economic development ever since commercial mining began in 1928, and copper mines are still a major source of revenue for the country. But the 1960s and 1970s were decades of high metal demand, high mineral prices, high production and high rewards. Dad couldn’t really turn it down. Zambia was where the action was.
Not that I was complaining, because I loved every minute of it. We had a huge front garden – which felt to me like it had room for Thomond Park and a bit to spare – with a massive gate leading into it. The back garden was roughly the same size, but its most striking feature was a mango tree made for climbing right in the middle, while the end of the garden was fenced off by banana trees and sugar canes.19
My love of dogs started in Zambia as a four-year-old. Here I am playing with Becky, our Rhodesian Ridgeback.
I was obsessed with climbing at that age. The mango tree could become a cliff face. The front gate could become a mountain. Mount Mumpu could become Everest. At first, just climbing the tree was enough. But then I’d look for a slightly more difficult route, just to challenge myself. By the time we left, it’s a wonder I wasn’t trying to climb the thing with just my feet.20
While life in Zambia was all about playing outside, it wasn’t without its risks. My friend Anthony had a pal who owned a mini-motorbike. One day, we all thought it would be a great idea to tie a rope from that motorbike to my bicycle. It started brilliantly, as off he sped with me in tow clinging to the handlebars, my exhilaration in tune with his acceleration. It was only when we were approaching the first corner that I spotted the fatal flaw in our plan. If he stopped, there was no way for me to stop in time. Terrified, I figured the only way to escape was to fling myself off my bicycle, landing head first in the ditch. I tore my face asunder and the bruises on my body resembled a map of one of Dad’s mines.
When I got home, Mam and Dad were getting ready for a night out, probably at Diggers Rugby Club, and wanted to cancel because I looked so battered and broken. I told them to go, but one of the cuts I gave myself obviously became infected because that night I needed a fan to calm my temperature. I eventually made a full recovery, but my Evel Knievel days were done.
Instead, I stuck to the climbing, fueling my expeditions with Fanta and salty biltong. None of the fancy hipster stuff you get now either, but a 12-inch piece of sun dried beef that looked like a wooden ruler and some people said tasted just as good. I loved it though, even if it took hours to eat. Sometimes, when my mind wanders, I’m still a climber.
Kitwe came into existence in 1936, an insignificant stop on the railway Cecil Rhodes was building to support the British Empire’s expanding copper mining interests in Africa. However, as the copper industry grew, so did Kitwe and by the time my family arrived there in 1977, it was a bustling city in a country that was then called Rhodesia. And while most of Rhodesia became Zimbabwe, Kitwe has been part of Zambia since 1964.21
Sport was huge in Kitwe. There was a cricket ground that had famously played host to two first-class matches in the sixties, the only first-class cricket ever played in Zambia. There were no fewer than three big football teams; Power Dynamos FC, Nkana FC, and Kitwe United. Both union and league rugby was played, albeit at a lower level and most of the adults seemed more interested in the post game entertainment than the sport itself.
But for me, when I wasn’t running, I was swimming. And while lots of people preferred the bigger Nkana Mine Pool in the centre of the city, the smaller pool at the Italian Club was much more my style.
I had taught myself to swim earlier that year, not by swimming side to side like everyone told me to, but by swimming lengths, and grabbing onto the side whenever I needed to come up for air. Eventually the number of times I had to surface was reduced to zero and, within a few weeks, I was swimming back-to-back lengths of the pool.
Of course, being a naturally competitive child, that wasn’t enough to keep me happy for very long so I started to challenge myself by seeing how long I could stay under the water without breathing. The easiest way I found to do this was not by counting seconds, but instead seeing how many coins I could pick up from the bottom of the pool without pausing to take a breath.
One particular day Keith, whose family lived directly opposite our house on Kalungwishi Street, and his Mam decided to join us at the Italian Club. Because of their proximity, Keith’s family and mine would often spend time in each other’s company. Sometimes that involved reminiscing about home, but often it was just two Irish families discussing the unique circumstances they found themselves in.22
Getting out of the pool after another famous dive in Zambia.
The Rokana mine swimming pool when I revisited in 2004.
23While I was scrawny and long, the proverbial butcher’s pencil, Keith was broad and hard as nails. I explained to him the challenge of collecting the coins from the bottom of the pool, and wondered aloud if he was really built to beat my record in a bid to ensure he’d challenge me. I was only delighted with myself when he decided he’d collect way more coins than I could.
After I’d taken my turn and set a new personal best, I climbed out of the pool. But when I turned around, I noticed that Keith was calling his mam who – deep in conversation with my own – failed to see or hear her son’s pleas for help.
‘Look Mam, Keith can’t swim,’ I shouted as I dove back in to the pool. He was about 10m away from me, but I took a deep breath and breast-stroked my way underwater to grab his arm. He struggled a bit at first, but once I had a firm grip I pulled him to the surface with all my might.
At this stage, both our mothers had noticed the commotion and were frantic by the poolside. Keith’s Mam pulled him out of the water and, once she’d established he was okay, unleashed an unmighty smack across his arse. Her reaction was out of pure fear, of course, but I couldn’t help but think Keith would rather still be in the water.
And the hero of the hour? Well I was handed a bottle of Fanta and told to be more careful going after those coins. Lying in bed that night, I considered mortality for the first time. What if Keith had died? How could anyone ever recover from their friend dying?24
Chapter 2
Running Up That Hill
26 NOVEMBER 1989 – TWO HOURS AFTER THE INJURY
We were in Trim, in the pub, and I got the phone call to say, ‘Philip is in hospital after the match.’
I said to Angela: ‘How bad can it be; he probably just broke his leg.’ I’d never seen anyone take a bang on the ear playing football. Even in rugby, the only time I’d ever seen anything like it was when Jimmy Orr landed on the point of the ball in Diggers.
When we were driving to Beaumont, we were shitting it. There’s no other way to describe it. Angela was there holding an unlit cigarette in her hand the whole way. She couldn’t get the lighter to work.
Then seeing Philip lying there in the hospital. It was savage. I was just in bits. We didn’t know if you were going to make it. The priest was around. There were people praying for him in the church. There were even people who thought Philip was already gone. That was hard.
When he got home from the hospital, the biggest impact was on James, his brother. James would have been big into the football too and now that Philip wasn’t able to play with him he was just a bit confused by it all.26
But it had an effect on us all. People may have thought that I could go to work to kind of escape having to think about it, but it didn’t mean I did. But Angela and the girls, they were the ones home with Philip all the time, so I suppose it had a bigger impact on them.
The thing is, before the injury, we were going okay. I was making a few bob. The kids were all well. We were happy. It goes to show you that everything, everything, can change in an instant.
Once in a blue moon, I do wonder to myself, ‘What if?’ Philip would have been a player. He was a brilliant athlete. But you let those thoughts go quickly; there’s no point letting them sit there to fester.
Jim Quinlan, father of Phil
SPRING 1998 – NINE YEARS AFTER THE INJURY
I’m preparing for my latest expedition out from number 57 Mountjoy Square – a 140-metre walk to the Hill 16 pub in order to catch ‘Match of the Day’. My housemate thinks I’m mad. The heavens have opened outside. ‘You’ll catch your death,’ he says. He just can’t understand how I can still love football the way I do, after everything it took away from me nine years ago.
I call it an expedition, though for most people, it’s a few minutes’ stroll. For me, now, it takes planning, endurance and all the concentration I can muster. Despite the tempest, I can’t resist my temptress, so I slip on my shoes and I start to wobble my way down to Gardiner Street. I don’t mind spending money on good shoes. These ones are brown, ECCO I think. Because of the way I walk – pushing off my right toes – that shoe always wears a little quicker than the left. These ones still have a few months left in them though.27
Even with the wind and the rain, I’m only a few steps down the road before I’m sweating. Sweating a lot more than I should. The concentration required is immense because of my equinus – a condition that makes me walk on my toes and keeps me off balance. For each step, I have to think about lifting my right leg. Next, I have to think about keeping that leg in the air without it spasming and launching off towards the canal. Finally, I have to think about how and where I’m going to place my leg back on the ground. I have to do this for every step.
I’m about forty-three steps in – you learn to count when they’re so energy consuming – when my leg suddenly freezes for no good reason. It must know I’m running late if I want to make it to the pub in time for the highlights of the first game. When it freezes like this, I can’t react quickly enough to stabilise myself. My body tenses, ready for the inevitable. All I can do most of the time is hope I hit the grass, but I’m often just as likely to land on the path or the road. Thankfully, after only a speed wobble, it comes back under control. With a lot of effort, I place it carefully on the ground and get ready for step number forty-four.
Despite the weather, the rest of the walk is uneventful until I make it to just across the road from the pub. But, like a climber attempting to scale Everest, I need to be extra careful here. Summit fever is real, but I’m in the Death Zone now and I have the Second Step to negotiate. While Gardiner Street’s skyline doesn’t feature Kanchenjunga, Lhotse or Makalu, it’s just as dangerous, because now I have to try and cross the road safely.
I’m also not lucky enough to have had a team of Nepalese climbers install a ladder for me to reduce the difficulty. Instead, everything that could be against me, is. The incline of the slope has my right leg trembling. The rain has turned the smooth tarmac into an ice sheet. And there’s a wind blowing 28down towards the Liffey that feels like it might take me with it. I breathe in deeply, holding my breath, and I think about stepping down off the path.
Fifteen seconds later, I exhale, and my body responds to my brain’s commands after completing the advanced calculus required to make the four-inch drop. I wonder once again how differently people might treat me if they could read my mind at moments like this, as I decide which foot is better to land with, or ask myself if I’ll do more harm than good by holding onto the bonnet of a parked car. Tonight, the big question is whether I should wait until the wind dies down.
Questions. Doubts. Fears.
All of which means that every decision is slow and deliberate. And even then my nerves don’t always hold. Sometimes my body is kidnapped by my spasticity and, if I can’t pay the ransom in time, leaves me on my arse on the ground. As if that’s not enough, I then have to spend ten very awkward seconds trying to find my way back to my feet, apologising for my existence.
There’s no sign of the wind dying down. I’m just going to have to go for it. ‘Don’t freak out,’ I tell myself as I place my left foot on the road, swinging my right around after it. Success. This time it has planted firmly on the tarmac and seems to be behaving itself. I wait two seconds though, just to be sure.
One.
Two.
