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- Herausgeber: CASSAVA REPUBLIC
- Kategorie: Lebensstil
- Sprache: Englisch
Be(com)ing Nigerian: A Guide is a satirical collection that takes a searing look at how different forms of power are abused, negotiated and performed both in the private and public realm.Through attempting to satirise those who abuse privilege or power, it recognises that power can be found everywhere: in politics, business, religious institutions and in homes. From the exploration of religious hypocrisy in How To Worship The Nigerian God, to A Letter to My Future Kidnapper which tackles the growing scourge of kidnapping, the collection is a jab at Nigerian society and what it means to be a Nigerian. Beyond poking fun at the holders of power, it is a summon, a provocation and a call for introspection among all levels of society. As it is often said in Nigeria, when you point with one finger, there are four others pointing back at you. This is an engrossing read for Nigerian watchers, and strangers to Nigeria alike, with its tongue-in-cheek look at Nigeria's relationship to the world, both culturally and politically.
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Seitenzahl: 175
Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2019
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BE(COM)ING NIGERIAN:A GUIDE
Elnathan John
To all who feel personally attacked or offended by something in this book,
With love.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
I’d like to acknowledge Nigeria, with whom I am (still) in an abusive relationship.
Table of Contents
INTRODUCTION
Never, ever, explain satire.
— Elnathan John, 2019.
IN THE BEGINNING…
THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO NIGERIA
Chapter 1
1In the beginning the British created the Northern and Southern protectorates. Now, the nation was formless and empty and darkness covered our collective identity. 2And the British said: ‘Let there be Nigeria.’ And there was Nigeria. And the British saw that Nigeria was good (for them) and they separated the ruling class from the serfs. 3And the British said: ‘Just as we have a vault between us and you, let there be a vault to separate the rulers from the citizens.’ 4So the British created Nigeria in their own image, in the image of their colonial rulership they created it; oppressor and oppressed they created them. 5And there was independence from the British and there were coups and counter coups and there were military dictators. 6And the decades passed and the military rulers stripped their garbs and uniforms and transformed into civilian rulers. And they declared: ‘Old things have passed away and all things have become new.’
Chapter 2
1For our military dictators loved the country so much that they gave up their only begotten uniforms and the right to make decrees, that whosoever believed in them and voted for them should be stuck with them until their old age.
Chapter 3
1And it came about that a usurper who was not a military dictator found his way to the throne, through natural deaths and impeachments, and he came upon Nigerians like a thief in the night. 2And he came not to build but to steal and destroy. And he left Nigerians blind and poor. 3And Nigerians looked to a former dictator and said to him: ‘Lord, we know not where we are going.’ 4And he answered them and said: ‘I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to good governance except through me.’ 5And he gained followers and drove out the usurper who had left Nigerians blind and poor. 6And his followers said: ‘Lord show us the way and that will be enough for us. Show us Change.’ 7And he answered them and said: ‘Do you believe that I am good governance and good governance is me? You may ask for anything in my name and I will do it.’ 8And his followers worshipped him and sang his praises day and night. 9And when his ministers proved incompetent, his followers praised him and denounced the ministers. 10And when the people began to groan under much suffering, they looked unto their benevolent dictator. 11And he said to them: ‘If you love me, keep my commands. Hate those who hate me and love those who love me. My enemies cannot accept me, because they neither see me nor know me. But you know me, for I live with you and will be in you.’ 12And some sceptics said, ‘But, Lord, why do your ministers in 2018 do silly things like wear silly red berets and have nothing under the berets?’ 13And the benevolent dictator replied, ‘Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. Anyone who does not love me will not obey my teaching.’
Chapter 4
1For the shameless will inherit the land and they will dwell in it in an abundance of peace. 2For the shameless, instead of shame there shall be a double portion; for the wicked and corrupt instead of dishonour, they shall rejoice in their lot; they shall have everlasting joy and in their old age be called elder statesmen. 3And the last shall be the first.
Chapter 5
1If I fight for the human rights of random individuals or of enemies of the Lord but do not have loyalty to the benevolent dictator, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of turning the economy around and can fathom all the mysteries of the parallel market and if I am angry that pilgrims get dollars and not business men and women but do not have loyalty to the dictator and love for him, I am nothing. 2Love is patient (with inefficiency), love is kind (even in the face of massacres). It does not envy the benevolent dictator, it does not boast that it can do better. It is not proud. 3Love keeps no record of wrongs, whether those wrongs happened in 1984 and are being repeated or those wrongs lead to hundreds of people being secretly buried. 4Love does not delight in evil except where that evil happens to people we do not like, such as strange ethnic groups or religions or sexualities. 5But love rejoices with the truth: and the truth is what the benevolent dictator says it is. 6Love always protects the interest of the dictator and blames only his ministers for things that go wrong. 7Love never fails. 8But where there is common sense, it will cease. Whether there are industries, they will cease. Where there is electricity, it will reduce. And where there is a great football team, it will diminish. Where there are cheap dollars, they will be reserved for pilgrims and billionaires. 9For we know in part and we pontificate through newspaper articles and blogs in part, but when completeness through our benevolent dictator (and his minions) arrives, what is in part disappears.
Chapter 6
1The benevolent dictator is my shepherd, I shall lack nothing. 2He makes me lie down in hunger and fear, but only because it leads me to righteousness. 3He refreshes my soul. 4He guides me along his own paths for his name’s sake. 5Even though I walk through the darkest valley with no electricity, I will fear no evil, for he is with me. 6His rod and his staff with which he makes hundreds of Shiites disappear, they comfort me.
Chapter 7
1Blessed are [those who steal from] the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of political rebirths. 2Blessed are those who [make others like Shiites] mourn, for they will be comforted [by the silence of dead and putrefied bodies]. 3Blessed are [those who despise] the meek for they will inherit the earth. 4Blessed are those with good political alliances, for even when they are caught, they will be shown mercy. 5Blessed are [those who hate] the pure in heart, for they will see the inner walls of the Villa. 6Blessed are those who trend political hashtags, for theirs is the kingdom of bank alerts. 7Blessed are the kidnappers, for their ransom money will come intact and without repercussion. 8Blessed are those with a long career of theft and destruction, for they will be called elder statesmen.
Chapter 8
1The benevolent dictator gathered all his disciples and taught them a new prayer. He said, 2You must pray then this way: 3‘Our Father, who art Aliko, hallowed be thy wealth 4Thy monopolies come 5Thy will be done in this government as it was in the previous [ones] 6Give us this day, your refinery (as we give you our cheap dollars) 7Forgive us our suspicions as we have forgiven those who are suspicious of us 8And lead us not into temptation to break your monopolies (and empower other entrepreneurs), but deliver us from the evil ones who challenge [y]our government. 9For thine is the sugar, the flour and the cement (and rice and spaghetti), forever and ever, Amen.’
SPIRITUAL
HOW TO WORSHIP THE NIGERIAN GOD
The Nigerian God is one. It may have various manifestations, but it is essentially different sides of the same coin. Sometimes, adherents of the different sides may fight and kill each other. But Nigerians all worship the Nigerian God.
For all those who want to become better worshipers, this is for you.
If you are a new or prospective convert, this is how you must serve him in your day to day life. You will be richly blessed for choosing the Nigerian God. (And in case you were wondering, yes, the Nigerian God is a full-blooded Nigerian male).
The prayer
First, let me clarify: a few people confuse being a worshiper with complicated things like character, good work or righteousness. The fact that you choose to open every meeting with multiple prayers does not mean that you intend to do what is right. It nonetheless means that the opening prayer is important. Nothing, I repeat nothing, can work without it. If you are gathered to discuss how to inflate contracts, begin with an opening prayer or two. If you are gathered to discuss how to rig elections, begin with a prayer. The Nigerian God appreciates communication.
When you sneak away from your wife to call your girlfriend in the bathroom, and she asks if you will come this weekend, you must say — in addition to “Yes” — “By God’s grace” or “God willing” or “insha Allah”. It doesn’t matter what language you use. Just say it. The Nigerian God likes to be consulted before you do anything, including a trip to Obudu to see one of your [other] lovers. Sometimes, when you have impressed one of your many lovers with your sexual prowess and they look at you in amazement, just say: ‘Baby, I give God all the glory.’
The loudspeaker
When worshipping the Nigerian God, be loud. No, the Nigerian God is not hard of hearing. He just appreciates your loud fervour, like he appreciates loud raucous music. The Nigerian God doesn’t care if you have neighbours and neither should you. When you are worshipping in your house, make sure the neighbours can’t sleep. Use loudspeakers even if there are only two of you in the building. Anyone who complains must be evil. God will judge such a person.
Enemies
This is how the Nigerian God judges people who are your enemies — evil people who want to spoil your hustle; your colleagues who don’t want your promotion; your single old aunties who secretly don’t want you to marry that rich handsome man (who you haven’t met yet); your neighbours who are blocking you spiritually from getting pregnant — He consumes them by fire. He returns all their evil plans to sender. So, when making requests about all your enemies, do not pray that they be forgiven or that they change. Pray that the Nigerian God kills them off in a blazing, holy fire.
Attribution
Attribute everything to the Nigerian God. So, if you diverted funds from public projects and you are able to afford that new Mercedes, when people say you have a nice car, say, ‘Na God’. If someone asks what the secret of all your wealth is, say, ‘God has been good to me’ or ‘My God is faithful’. By this you mean the Nigerian God who gave you the uncommon wisdom to re-appropriate public funds.
Consult the Nigerian God when you don’t feel like working. The Nigerian God understands that we live in a harsh climate where it is hard to do any real work. So, if you have no clue how to be in charge and things start collapsing, ask people to pray to God and ask for his intervention.
Elections
The Nigerian God loves elections and politics. When you have bribed people to get the Party nomination, used thugs to steal and stuff ballot boxes, intimidated people into either sitting at home or voting for you, lied about everything from your assets to your age, and you eventually (through God’s grace) win the election, you must begin by declaring that your success is the will of the almighty and living God and that the other candidate should accept this will of God. Mere mortals should not complain about who God chooses to reward with political success.
Respect
The Nigerian God does not tolerate disrespect. If someone insults your religion, you must look for anyone like them and kill them. It doesn’t matter what you use — sticks, machetes, grenade launchers, IED’s, AK47’s. The Nigerian God sometimes appreciates a good beheading for people who blaspheme. If the person who insults your religion is online and you can’t locate them, feel free to threaten to kill them. Like we say: “at all-at all na im bad pass”. Something is better than nothing at all.
Miracles
The Nigerian God performs signs and wonders. He does everything from curing HIV to high blood pressure. And the Nigerian God is creative: he can teach a person who was born blind the difference between blue and green when the man of God asks, and he can teach a person born deaf instant English. As a worshipper you must let him deliver you because every case of sickness is caused by evil demons and not infections. Every case of infertility for example is caused by witches and demons and not things like endometriosis or low sperm motility. So instead of hospital, visit agents of the Nigerian God.
PS. The Nigerian God does not cure corruption. Do not attempt to mock him.
Money
The Nigerian God loves money. Because money answereth all things. You know how Nigeria is — things may be difficult, but they are always possible with money. You can get everything: healthcare, security, clean water, electricity, love, and miracles, when you have money. The Nigerian God knows this and tries to crowdfund in the event of a demand for miracles. So, no, please, don’t mess with the Nigerian God’s money stream. Don’t blaspheme by challenging things like tithes. Who will pay for that private jet or the mansions and cars?
The Internet
If you worship the Nigerian God, you are under no obligation to be nice or kind to people who are not worshippers. They deserve no courtesy.
The Nigerian God is also online. As a worshipper, you are not obliged to be good or decent on Facebook or Twitter all week except on Friday and Sunday, both of which the Nigerian God marks as holy. So, you may forward obscene photos, insult people, pass on lewd jokes all days except the Nigerian holy days. On those holy days, put up statuses saying how you are crazy about God.
The Nigerian God also permits tweets and Facebook updates like: “Now in Church” or “This guy in front of me needs to stop dozing” when performing acts of worship. Also, there is nothing like a Twitter hashtag with your pastor’s Sunday sermon: #SundaysWithJesus #JesusRocks #SundaySermon #Crazy4JC.
In all, the Nigerian God is very kind and accommodating. He gives glory and riches and private jets. And if you worship him well, he will immensely bless your hustle.
HOW TO BE A PASTOR
So, you have learnt how to worship the Nigerian God but you want to take it a step further and serve Him more fully. Being a pastor is one of the most rewarding things you can do as a Nigerian. Here is how to do it:
Fly private.
A man of God should not suffer any discomfort while doing the work of the Lord. That is why you are rightly called a man of God. You are too divine to spend time waiting at the airport like ordinary people do. If they are so upset by your private jet, they should go and question the God who blessed your hustle and lifted you above your poor followers. Later, I will provide an in-depth explanation of how to fly private to the glory of God.
Bless women with your seed.
Some people may find it less than ideal to sleep with young female members of the congregation, but sometimes these things are beyond human comprehension. When you sleep with female members of the flock, do it with a level of grace that only the anointed can understand. Only God can judge you. And what is sin, when there is grace that abounds?
Ask people to sow seed.
(Because you have spread so much seed with the sisters in the church) ask people to sow seed so that God can bless them richly. Because if they do not sow seed by paying into the designated envelopes or bank accounts you have given them, nothing will grow in their lives and their souls and your finances will be as barren as dry shrubs out in the desert. They sow seed into your bank account, they get blessings, you get blessings, everybody is happy.
Do not pay tax.
Again, these many agents of the devil may spread rumours about your stupendous wealth and the luxury in which you live. Yes, you are making a profit, but whose business is that? Is it not where a person works that he will “eat”? Only wicked persons will want to deprive you of what they did not give to you. So what if your wealth is the result of weekly sermons about tithing? Humans, being what they are, will forget to give God his due. It is your duty to remind them, constantly. One of the problems is that people assume it is your money. You may be spending it, but it is not yours. You are only a caretaker. Those who assume that your taxes are useful for building infrastructure like roads and electricity, resources which you use a lot of, do not understand your relationship with God. People need to just calm down, pay their tithes, and trust you to know how to balance accounts with God.
Remind people to never, ever, speak evil against a man of God.
Like I said before, humans need reminding. Our rebellious nature sometimes gets the better of us and we begin to look too hard at the life of a man of God, or worry about his immorality. A man of God is not subject to the same rules as ordinary people. You have a level of grace that mere mortals cannot understand. You need to keep reminding your members to fear God and by extension, fear you. Because questioning you means questioning God. And all those who question you will not make heaven.
Hang out with politicians from time to time.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you being close friends with government officials, even those who cannot provide the basic needs of citizens. There is nothing wrong with campaigning for them. And there is certainly nothing wrong with asking them to sow seed into your ministry when they come to visit. Was Jesus not a friend to harlots and tax collectors? And what on earth is worse than the reputation of tax collectors in the time of Jesus? You need to make corrupt people feel at ease in the presence of God; who knows, perchance they may be persuaded and accept the gospel of Jesus. Lay hands on them from time to time. And when they make huge donations, purify the money with the blood of Jesus and move on.
