Breaking the Cycle of Abuse E-Book

Beverly Engel

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 470

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2015

Beschreibung

"A beacon of hope for women and men who fear that they will passthe abuse they have suffered on to their children, partners, oremployees. Humane and compassionate but also clear and down toearth, this is a wonderful contribution to the literature onhealing." --Lundy Bancroft, author of When Dad Hurts Mom and Why Does He DoThat? "In this remarkably powerful, wise, and compassionate book, BeverlyEngel leads readers step by step through a program that will helpsurvivors of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse in childhood toheal from their wounds so they don't need to re-enact their abusivepasts. She offers expert advice and strategies to help parents andwould-be parents avoid doing to their children what was done tothem and helps both abusers and victims in emotionally andphysically abusive relationships make vitally important changes intheir relationships." --Susan Forward, Ph.D., author of Toxic Parents and EmotionalBlackmail If you were emotionally, physically, or sexually abused as a childor adolescent, or if you experienced neglect or abandonment, itisn't a question of whether you will continue the cycle of abusebut rather a question of how--whether you will become an abuser orcontinue to be a victim. In this breakthrough book, Beverly Engel,a leading expert on emotional and sexual abuse, explains how tostop the cycle of abuse once and for all. Her step-by-step programprovides the necessary skills for gaining control over emotions,changing negative attitudes, learning healthy ways ofcommunicating, healing the damage from prior abuse, and seeking outsupport. Throughout, Engel shares many dramatic personal stories includingher own experiences with abusive behavior. Breaking the Cycle ofAbuse gives you the power to shatter abusive patterns for good andoffers a legacy of hope and healing for you and your family.

Leseprobe

Table of Contents

Cover

Title

Copyright

Dedication

Acknowledgments

Introduction

The Legacy of Abuse and Neglect

Not Enough Is Being Done

Another Legacy: Victimhood

Who Will Benefit from This Book

The Time Is Right and the Time Is Now

Who Am I?

The Legacy of Hope

Part One: Understanding the Legacy of Abuse

Chapter 1: What Will Be Your Legacy?

From a Legacy of Pain to a Legacy of Hope

The Less Obvious Legacies of Abuse and Neglect

My Story

How Do You Break the Cycle?

Your “Empowering Tools” for Breaking the Cycle

Chapter 2: Assessing Your Risk Factors

Risk Factor #1: If You Were Abused or Neglected As a Child

Risk Factor #2: If You Witnessed Abuse or Violence When You Were Growing Up

Risk Factor #3: There Is a History of Abuse or Neglect in Your Family

Risk Factor #4: You Had a Neurological or Psychiatric Impairment as a Child

Risk Factor #5: You Fit the Profile of an Abuser

Risk Factor #6: You Fit the Profile of a Victim

Risk Factor #7: You Have Certain Beliefs That Predispose You to Becoming an Abuser

Risk Factor #8: You Have Certain Beliefs That Predispose You to Becoming a Victim

Risk Factor #9: You Are a Substance Abuser

Risk Factor #10: You Were Raised in a Misogynistic Environment

Risk Factor #11: You Suffer from a Lack of Empathy

Risk Factor #12: You Have a Negative View of Your Children

Risk Factor #13: You are Highly Stressed and Have Poor Parenting Skills

Risk Factor #14: You Have Already Begun to Exhibit Abusive Behavior

Risk Factor #15: You Have Already Begun to Exhibit Victim Behavior

Resiliency—Why a Fortunate Few Escape the Cycle of Violence

Victim or Abuser?

Victim and Abuser

Chapter 3: Why We Do to Others (and Ourselves) What Was Done to Us

Theories Concerning Abusive and Victimlike Patterns

The Family Legacy

Repetition Compulsion

Abusive Patterns

Victim Patterns

Making the Connection

Part Two: Facing the Truth and Facing Your Feelings

Chapter 4: Coming Out of Denial

The Damage Caused by Child Neglect

The Damage Caused by Emotional Abuse

The Damage Caused by Physical Abuse

The Damage Caused by Child Sexual Abuse

Allow Yourself to Feel

Give Yourself Time to Continue Facing the Truth

Grieving the Loss of Your Childhood

Chapter 5: Learn to Identify and Manage Your Emotions

Step One: Identify and Label Your Emotions

How Do You Know When You Are Feeling a Particular Emotion?

Step Two: Determine the Message

Step Three: Feel Your Emotions without Becoming Overwhelmed by Them

Step Four: Determine Whether It Is Appropriate to Be Feeling This Emotion at This Time

Step Five: Take Action to Remedy the Situation

Chapter 6: Learn How to Identify and Manage Your Shame

How Children Are Shamed

How We React to Being Shamed

How Shame Can Cause You to Develop Abusive or Victimlike Patterns

How to Cope with Shame

Ask Yourself if It Is Appropriate to Be Feeling Shame at This Time

Healing Your Shame from the Past

Chapter 7: Managing Your Anger

How Trauma Affects a Child

The Role Anger Plays in the Cycle of Abuse

Discover Your Anger Legacy

Strategies for Those with an Aggressive Anger Style

Strategies for Those with a Passive Anger Style

Strategies for Those with an Eruptive Anger Style

For All Anger Styles—Find Constructive Ways of Releasing Your Anger toward Your Abusers

How to Cope with Anger on a Daily Basis

Ask Yourself if It Is Appropriate to Be Feeling Anger at This Time

Take Action to Remedy the Situation

Chapter 8: Coping with Fear

How Trauma Creates Fear

How We React to Being Terrorized

How Fear Contributes to the Cycle of Abuse

The Connection between Anxiety and Fear

The Connection between Control and Fear

How to Cope with Fear

Part Three: Abuse Prevention Strategies

Chapter 9: How to Prevent Partner Abuse

Reevaluate Your Relationships

Other Strategies for Preventing Abuse in Your Relationships

Choose to Have Equal Relationships

Take Your Time and Choose Your Partner Wisely

Don’t Lose Yourself in Your Relationship

Set and Enforce Appropriate Boundaries and Limits

Have Reasonable Expectations

Don’t Make Assumptions

Don’t Confuse the Present with the Past

Take Responsibility for Your Own Feelings, Reactions, and Projections

Work on Developing Your Empathy Skills

Agree to Disagree and Take Time-Outs

Recognize Signs of Abuse in Its Early Stages

Are You a Victim of Domestic Abuse?

Chapter 10: How to Prevent Child Abuse

The Risk Factors for Child Abuse

Do You Have What It Takes to Be a Good Parent?

The Key Skills of Good Parenting

Key Skills and Information You Should Know to Prevent Child Abuse

Specific Strategies to Help You Avoid Becoming Abusive to Your Children

How to Avoid Emotionally Abusing Your Child

How to Avoid Physically Abusing Your Children

How to Avoid Sexually Abusing Your Own or Other People’s Children

What If It Is Too Late?

Protect Your Children from Others

Chapter 11: If You Have Already Become Abusive

Step 1: Admit the Truth

Step 2: Seek Help

Step 3: Work on Repairing the Harm

Step 4: Create a Plan of Action

Step 5: Continue to Work on Your Anger and Your Aggression

Step 6: Work on Your Unfinished Business from the Past

If You Have Already Sexually Abused Someone

Chapter 12: If You Have Already Been Abused or Established a Victim Pattern

If You Have Been Physically Abused

If You Are Currently Being Emotionally Abused

Part Four: Long-Term Strategies to Help You Break the Cycle

Chapter 13: Emotionally Separating from Your Parents

Enmeshment

Declare Your Independence

Complete Your Unfinished Business

Resolve Your Relationships with Your Parents and Other Abusers

Facing the Pain and Confusion of Emotional Separation

Chapter 14: Facing the Truth about Your Family Legacy

My Family Legacy

The Legacy of Child Sexual Abuse

Discovering Family Patterns

Chapter 15: Breaking into the Dysfunctional Family System

Confronting an Abusive or Neglectful Family Member

Telling Other Family Members About Your Experience of Being Neglected or Abused

Sharing Your Family Legacy with Other Family Members

Confronting Family Members Who Continue to Be Abusive

Breaking Dysfunctional Patterns of Relating in the Family

Chapter 16: Continue to Heal

Recommended Therapies

Epilogue

Resources

References

Recommended Reading

Index

End User License Agreement

Guide

Cover

Table of Contents

Begin Reading

Pages

cover

content

iii

iv

v

ix

x

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

9

10

11

12

13

14

15

16

17

18

19

20

21

22

23

24

25

26

27

28

29

30

31

32

33

34

35

36

37

38

39

40

41

42

43

44

45

46

47

48

49

50

51

52

53

54

55

56

57

59

60

61

62

63

64

65

66

67

68

69

70

71

72

73

74

75

76

77

78

79

80

81

82

83

84

85

86

87

88

89

90

91

92

93

94

95

96

97

98

99

100

101

102

103

104

105

106

107

108

109

110

111

112

113

114

115

116

117

118

119

120

121

122

123

124

125

126

127

128

129

130

131

132

133

134

135

136

137

138

139

140

141

142

143

144

145

146

147

148

149

150

151

152

153

154

155

157

158

159

160

161

162

163

164

165

166

167

168

169

170

171

172

173

174

175

176

177

178

179

180

181

182

183

184

185

186

187

188

189

190

191

192

193

194

195

196

197

198

199

200

201

202

203

204

205

206

207

208

209

210

211

212

213

214

215

216

217

218

219

220

221

223

224

225

226

227

228

229

230

231

232

233

234

235

236

237

238

239

240

241

242

243

244

245

246

247

248

249

250

251

252

253

254

255

256

257

258

259

260

261

262

263

264

265

266

267

268

269

270

271

272

273

274

275

276

277

278

Breaking the Cycle of Abuse

How to Move beyond Your Past to Create an Abuse-Free Future

Beverly Engel

Copyright © 2005 by Beverly Engel. All rights reserved

Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey

Published simultaneously in Canada

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the Publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, [phone], fax [phone], or on the web at www.copyright.com. Requests to the Publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, [phone], fax [phone].

Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and the author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Neither the publisher nor the author shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages.

For general information about our other products and services, please contact our Customer Care Department within the United States at [phone], outside the United States at [phone] or fax [phone].

Wiley also publishes its books in a variety of electronic formats. Some content that appears in print may not be available in electronic books. For more information about Wiley products, visit our web site at www.wiley.com.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data:

Engel, Beverly.

Breaking the cycle of abuse : how to move beyond your past to create an abuse-free future / Beverly Engel.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 0-471-65775-1 (cloth)

1. Family violence. 2. Victims of family violence. 3. Sexual abuse victims. 4. Psychological abuse. I. Title.

HV6626.E54 2004362.82'924—dc22

2004006065

I dedicate this book to every person who continues to struggle to break the cycle of abuse. I commend you on your courage and determination and offer you my deepest respect.

Acknowledgments

Once again I wish to thank my fantastic support team: Tom Miller, my editor at John Wiley & Sons, and Stedman Mays and Mary Tahan, my wonderful agents. Tom, thank you so much for your expert guidance, your continued support, your unwavering faith in me, and your incredible patience as I continue to turn in manuscripts that are too long. Sted and Mary, aside from being the best agents anyone could ask for, you are incredible human beings. Thank you for all your hard work and for treating me with dignity, kindness, and generosity. I especially want to thank you, Mary, for all your hard work on my foreign rights sales. Also, thanks for all your fabulous title and subtitle suggestions—including the subtitle to this book!

I would also like to thank all the clients I have worked with over the years who so bravely endeavored to heal from their abuse and break the cycle. I learned much of what I know from you. Even though the case examples presented are composites of clients (in order to protect each client’s identity), your stories created the backbone of this book. Thank you for your stories, the insights about yourselves that you shared with me, and most especially for your courage and determination to heal and to stop passing on the legacy of abuse.

I called upoon my many years of experience working with abused and abusive clients for much of what I wrote in this book, as well as my own experiences in healing. I also relied on research conducted by other professionals to round out my own knowledge and experience. I wish to thank the following researchers for their contributions to the field of abuse and trauma recovery: Judith Herman, M.D., author of Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror, and Lenore Terr, M.D., author of Too Scared to Cry: How Trauma Affects Children … and Ultimately Us All.

I would also to thank the following authors for adding to my knowledge about the emotion of shame: Gershen Kaufman, author of Shame: The Power of Caring, Herbert E. Thomas, M.D., author of The Shame Response to Rejection, and Lewis B. Smedes, author of Shame and Grace.

Introduction

You decide to do something, perform one small action, and suddenly it’s a tide, the momentum is going, and there’s no possibility of turning back. Somehow, even though you thought you foresaw all that would happen, you didn’t know the pace would pick up so.

Amanda Cross

I’ve written many books on abuse, but none are more important than this book. If you think about it, breaking the cycle of neglect and abuse is one of the most significant endeavors any of us will ever embark on in our lifetime. This is especially true for those who were emotionally, physically, or sexually abused as children, and for those who have been emotionally or physically abused as adults. There is no greater gift to give to oneself, one’s intimate partners, or one’s children than to stop passing on to others the abuse or neglect that we have experienced.