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Beverly Engel

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Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
Kategorie: Ratgeber
Sprache: Englisch

Beschreibung

A step-by-step guide to help both victims of emotional abuse and their abusers escape unhealthy patterns originating from childhood abuse and neglect In the second edition of The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing, internationally recognized therapist Beverly Engel walks readers through a proven program designed to help readers get to the core of their unhealthy behavior patterns. This book was written specifically for two types of couples--those who mutually abuse each other and those with abusive partners who are willing to honestly look at themselves to and make the necessary changes to stop abusing. Unique among books of this type, Engel focuses on both the abused person and the abuser, offering non-judgmental advice to both groups. She offers effective strategies, techniques, and information to end abusive behaviors, including: * Why some people are attracted to abusive people and vice versa * Patterns created from childhood neglect and abuse and how to break them * Determining if you or your partner suffers from a personality disorder such as Narcissism or Borderline Personality Disorder * How to decide whether to continue the relationship or end it * The importance of healing shame caused by childhood neglect and abuse * How self-compassion can help heal both victims of emotional abuse and the abusers themselves The Emotionally Abusive Relationship is essential for those involved in unhealthy relationships or who have loved ones trapped in an emotionally abusive situation. Therapist recommended, this book is also a must-read resource for students of psychotherapy.

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Seitenzahl: 535

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2023

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Leseprobe

Cover

Title Page

Dedication

Acknowledgments

About the Author

Introduction to Second Edition

PART One: Identifying and Understanding Emotional Abuse

CHAPTER 1: Emotional Abuse—The Destroyer of Relationships

WHAT IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE?

HOW EMOTIONAL ABUSE DOES DAMAGE

DETERMINING WHETHER YOU ARE BEING EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE

NO MONSTERS HERE

ENDING EMOTIONAL ABUSE

CHAPTER 2: Patterns of Abuse

DOMINATION

VERBAL ASSAULTS

CONSTANT CRITICISM/CONTINUAL BLAMING

ABUSIVE EXPECTATIONS

EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL

UNPREDICTABLE RESPONSES

CONSTANT CHAOS/CREATING CRISIS

CHARACTER ASSASSINATION

GASLIGHTING

SEXUAL HARASSMENT

CLEAR AND CONSISTENT PATTERNS

OVERT AND COVERT ABUSE

INTENTIONAL AND UNINTENTIONAL ABUSE

CHAPTER 3: Not All Emotionally Abusive Relationships Are Alike

THE SEVEN TYPES OF EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

PART Two: Healing Your Childhood and Your Unhealthy Patterns

CHAPTER 4: Patterns That Begin in Childhood: Why We Abuse and Why We Take It

THE REPETITION COMPULSION

THE CORE OF THE COMPULSION—AN ABUSIVE CHILDHOOD

ABUSIVE STYLES OF PARENTING

THE POWER OF UNFINISHED BUSINESS

YOUR ORIGINAL ABUSER

ANOTHER PATTERN: VICTIM OR ABUSER?

ANGER IN, ANGER OUT—MALE AND FEMALE PATTERNS

HOW SHAME AFFECTS VICTIMS OF ABUSE

CHAPTER 5: Complete Your Unfinished Business (For Both Victims and Abusers)

1. ADMIT THE FACT THAT YOU WERE THE VICTIM OF ABUSE OR NEGLECT.

2. ACKNOWLEDGE TO YOURSELF THAT YOU HAVE UNEXPRESSED FEELINGS OF ANGER, PAIN, FEAR, AND SHAME BECAUSE OF YOUR CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES OF NEGLECT, ABANDONMENT, OR ABUSE.

3. ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL AND EXPRESS YOUR EMOTIONS CONNECTED TO THE NEGLECT OR ABUSE YOU EXPERIENCED.

4. FIND SAFE, CONSTRUCTIVE WAYS OF RELEASING OR EXPRESSING THESE FEELINGS.

5. CONFRONT YOUR ABUSER(S) (INDIRECTLY PREFERRED).

6. RESOLVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR ORIGINAL ABUSER(S) (SET BOUNDARIES, TEMPORARY OR PERMANENT SEPARATION, FORGIVE).

CHAPTER 6: Healing Your Shame with Self‐Compassion

THE CURE FOR SHAME: SELF‐COMPASSION

REPEATING THE CYCLE OF ABUSE

PART Three: Stopping the Abuse

CHAPTER 7: Action Steps for Those Being Abused

THE PROGRAM

SPECIFIC ADVICE AND STRATEGIES

CHAPTER 8: Action Steps for the Abusive Partner

THE PROGRAM

CHAPTER 9: Action Steps for the Abusive Couple

STOP BLAMING EACH OTHER

THE PROGRAM

CHAPTER 10: When Your Partner Has a Personality Disorder

DETERMINING WHETHER YOUR PARTNER SUFFERS FROM BPD

TWIN FEARS—ABANDONMENT AND ENGULFMENT

STRATEGIES TO HELP YOU COPE AND TO STOP THE EMOTIONAL ABUSE

DETERMINING WHETHER YOUR PARTNER SUFFERS FROM NPD

STRATEGIES TO HELP YOU COPE AND STOP THE EMOTIONAL ABUSE

SHOULD YOU TELL YOUR PARTNER THAT YOU SUSPECT THEY HAVE A PERSONALITY DISORDER?

WHEN YOU BOTH SUFFER FROM A PERSONALITY DISORDER

CHAPTER 11: When Your Abusiveness Stems from Your Personality Disorder

DO YOU SUFFER FROM BPD?

HOW BPD CAN LEAD TO EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR

HOW YOU CAN BEGIN TO CHANGE YOUR EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR

STRATEGIES FOR SPECIFIC BORDERLINE BEHAVIORS

DO YOU SUFFER FROM NPD?

HOW NPD LEADS TO ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR

HOW YOU CAN BEGIN TO CHANGE YOUR EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR

MY PERSONAL PROGRAM FOR OVERCOMING NARCISSISTIC TENDENCIES

PART Four: Where Do You Go from Here?

CHAPTER 12: Should You Stay or Should You Leave?

STRONG REASONS TO STAY

YOU MAY STILL NEED TO LEAVE

STRONG REASONS TO LEAVE

WHEN YOU DEFINITELY NEED TO LEAVE

WHEN YOU ARE RESISTING LEAVING

TRUST AND FORGIVENESS

CHAPTER 13: Preventing Emotional Abuse in the Future

FOR THE ABUSED PARTNER

FOR THE ABUSIVE PARTNER—CATCH YOURSELF IN THE ACT

FOR BOTH PARTNERS

CHAPTER 14: Continuing to Recover

TRUE POWER COMES FROM KNOWING YOU HAVE CHOICES

KEY ISSUES FOR VICTIMS AND ABUSERS

SPECIFIC STRATEGIES FOR THE ABUSED PARTNER

RECOVERY FOR THE ABUSIVE PARTNER

FOR BOTH PARTNERS—FINDING THE RIGHT THERAPIST

BE REALISTIC ABOUT YOUR PARTNER CHANGING

Epilogue

References

CHAPTER 2: PATTERNS OF ABUSE

CHAPTER 4: PATTERNS THAT BEGIN IN CHILDHOOD

CHAPTER 5: COMPLETE YOUR UNFINISHED BUSINESS (FOR BOTH VICTIMS AND ABUSERS)

CHAPTER 6: HEALING YOUR SHAME WITH SELF‐COMPASSION

CHAPTER 7: ACTION STEPS FOR THOSE BEING ABUSED

CHAPTER 8: ACTION STEPS FOR THE ABUSIVE PARTNER

CHAPTER 10: WHEN YOUR PARTNER HAS A PERSONALITY DISORDER

CHAPTER 11: WHEN YOUR ABUSIVENESS STEMS FROM YOUR PERSONALITY DISORDER

CHAPTER 13: PREVENTING EMOTIONAL ABUSE IN THE FUTURE

CHAPTER 14: CONTINUING TO RECOVER

Guide

Cover Page

Title Page

Dedication

Acknowledgments

About the Author

Introduction to Second Edition

Table of Contents

Begin Reading

Epilogue

References

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The Emotionally Abusive Relationship

How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing

BEVERLY ENGEL

Second Edition

Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey.

Published simultaneously in Canada.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the Publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per‐copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, Inc., 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, (978) 750‐8400, fax (978) 750‐4470, or on the web at www.copyright.com. Requests to the Publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, (201) 748‐6011, fax (201) 748‐6008, or online at www.wiley.com/go/permission.

Trademarks: Wiley and the Wiley logo are trademarks or registered trademarks of John Wiley & Sons, Inc. and/or its affiliates in the United States and other countries and may not be used without written permission. All other trademarks are the property of their respective owners. John Wiley & Sons, Inc. is not associated with any product or vendor mentioned in this book.

Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Further, readers should be aware that websites listed in this work may have changed or disappeared between when this work was written and when it is read. Neither the publisher nor authors shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages.

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Library of Congress Control Number is Available:

ISBN 9781394171545 (Cloth)

ISBN 9781394171552 (ePDF)

ISBN 9781394171569 (ePub)

Cover Design: Wiley

Cover Image: © lkpgfoto/Getty Images

I dedicate this book to those

who are willing to confront emotional abuse—

whether it is in their partner or in themselves.

Acknowledgments

My deepest gratitude goes to Tom Miller and Mary Tahan, my agents, both of whom have been with me for many years. Thank you for all you do for me and for being people of such integrity.

Much appreciation also goes to all my clients. I have learned a great deal from working with all of you and this knowledge is reflected in my writing.

Finally, I wish to thank Gershen Kaufman for being the first person to educate me about the importance of shame, and Kristin Neff for introducing me (and everyone) to the importance of self‐compassion.

About the Author

Beverly Engel is an internationally recognized psychotherapist and an acclaimed advocate for victims of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. The author of 23 self‐help books, many of which have been bestsellers and considered classics, she is a licensed marriage and family therapist, and has been practicing psychotherapy for 35 years.

Beverly's books have often been honored with numerous awards, including being a finalist in the Books for a Better Life award. Her books have been translated into many languages, including Japanese, Spanish, Chinese, Korean, Greek, Turkish, Iranian, and Lithuanian.

Beverly has appeared on Oprah, CNN, and Starting Over as well as many other television programs. She has a blog on the Psychology Today website entitled The Compassion Chronicles and has been featured in numerous publications, including O, The Oprah Magazine; Cosmopolitan; Ladies Home Journal; Redbook; Marie Claire; The Chicago Tribune; The Washington Post; The Los Angeles Times; The Cleveland Plain Dealer; and The Denver Post.

Introduction to Second Edition

“I'm not telling you it is going to be easy, I am telling you it is going to be worth it.”

—Art Williams

It has been 20 years since I wrote the first edition of this book. In that time much has changed. First and foremost, the phenomena of emotional abuse has come out of the shadows and into light. Public awareness about emotional abuse and how it damages people has increased substantially. This is obviously a good thing since more and more victims have reached out for help, and consequently, we find that many have been able to escape the pain, fear, and shame that emotional abuse can cause people.

A surprising outcome of our recent political climate has made terms like gaslighting and narcissists everyday terms. Unfortunately, there is now a risk that these terms will become normalized and not taken as seriously as they need to be. There is even more of a risk that the term emotional abuse will become a joke if it is used too frequently to describe conflicts in a romantic relationship. But emotional abuse is no joke. In this second edition I hope to reiterate and expand on just how damaging it can be, not only to the victim but to the abuser, their children, and the relationship.

One of the primary reasons why a second edition of this book is needed is that when the first edition was written, the connection between shame and emotional abuse had not been made. In fact, very few experts were even talking about shame. Now there is ample evidence showing how damaging the emotion of shame can be and how addressing this emotion is significant to our healing. Unless we heal the wounds that shame creates, especially wounds from childhood, we will carry this crippling shame into our adulthood, primarily into our intimate relationships. Shame is at the core of most types of emotional abuse and shame is the primary damage that emotional abuse brings. In this second edition I will discuss this seldom talked about emotion and elaborate on how to heal it, primarily through the practice of self‐compassion.

Another thing that has changed since I wrote the first edition is that we now know that more and more males have become victims of emotional abuse. While I wrote about this phenomena in the first edition, as time has passed we now find that the numbers of male victims has increased substantially. These male victims need help as much as female victims, and it is often even more difficult for them to come forward to ask for help since males tend to experience even more shame about the fact that someone is victimizing them than females do. Females who abuse are often completely unaware that their behavior is harming their partner or damaging their relationship. Males are often unaware that they are being abused or unwilling to admit it out of fear of being ridiculed by others and accused of being less than a man for putting up with it.

As you will notice as you read the book, I do not make the assumption that only heterosexual couples suffer from this problem. Gay men, lesbians, bisexuals and transsexual, and transgendered individuals all experience emotional abuse in their relationships.

My first edition received some criticism from victim advocates who accused me of being too soft on abusers. I do not perceive abusers as being monsters, but human beings who have been damaged by childhood abuse and other traumas. Perhaps my humanistic view comes from the fact that I have worked with so many abusers over the years and have discovered that they are often trapped in a negative way of relating to others due to their need to protect themselves from shame. Once this shame is healed through compassion and self‐compassion I have found that some abusers can actually change if they are willing to do the work. This perspective is very far from the current climate of seeing abusers as monsters who can never change. However, in this edition I will make sure that my view of abusers is a balanced one. There are, of course, malignant narcissists, sociopaths, and those who have an abusive personality, and there truly is no hope for change for these individuals. I will make sure I don't offer false hope to the partners of such people.

I also want to make it clear that while I see many abusers as people who are trapped behind their own self‐made defensive system, I do not excuse their abusive behavior in any way. No matter how traumatic their childhood, there is no excuse when it comes to treating others in abusive ways. Abusers must take complete responsibility for their behavior. In fact, that is the first vital step if there is any hope for redemption and change.

And while I also ask that victims take responsibility for their behavior, this is in no way my way of blaming the victim. A victim of emotional abuse is never responsible for the abuse in the relationship or for the abusive behavior of their partner. The abuse is always the sole responsibility of the abuser. A victim never “asks for it” or “brings out the worst in their partner.” Another addition to the first book is a more extensive exploration of Borderline Personality Disorder and how it can cause women and men to become abusive to their partners (and children). This personality disorder has not been given the attention it needs. Instead, we seem to be fixated on the behavior of narcissists to the extent that emotional abuser and narcissist have become synonymous—which they are not. Not all narcissists emotionally abuse their partners and children, and there are many abusers who are not narcissists. Instead of being narcissists, many abusers are actually those with strong borderline tendencies or diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

Another thing that has changed in the past 20 years is that we are talking more and more about “intergenerational trauma,” the transmission or the passing down to the younger generation the traumatic impact and emotional fallout of traumas such as: domestic violence, alcohol and drug addiction, and child abuse and neglect.

Emotional abuse is a perfect example of this phenomena. In the first edition I focused on the fact that many, if not most abusers were themselves abused—either verbally, emotionally, physically, or sexually. Those who were not abused were likely to have been severely neglected or grew up in a household where their parents abused each other or were dysfunctional in some other way (alcoholism, drug addition, mental illness). In this edition I add intergenerational trauma to the reasons why someone may become abusive. Again, this information is not meant to be an excuse for their abusive behavior but an explanation as to what caused it.

It is not a popular idea, nor is it a popular belief that many who are being abused come from the same type of abusive or neglectful background as abusers do. Some victim advocates point out that any woman can end up in an emotionally abusive relationship and this is certainly true. But it is equally important to understand that the roots of victimhood, just like the roots of abusiveness, often lie in childhood abuse and neglect. We must come to recognize these common roots if we are to end emotional abuse as well as other forms of abuse.

I strongly believe that couples who read this book and complete the exercises have a good chance of eliminating emotional abuse from their relationship. However, there are certainly situations where it is either too late to try to save the relationship, the emotional abuse is too extreme, or the abuser is not really willing to change.

This book is only recommended to individuals and couples who genuinely want to work on their relationship and themselves. It is especially effective for those relationships where the abuser is willing to recognize their abusiveness and is no longer denying it.

PART OneIdentifying and Understanding Emotional Abuse

CHAPTER 1Emotional Abuse—The Destroyer of Relationships

“Actions are powerful, but it's important to acknowledge that so are emotions. Emotional abuse can be the most painful thing a person can endure because it's abuse of your soul and mind.”

—LaTasha Braxton

No matter what Tracey does, she just can't seem to please her boyfriend. He complains constantly—about the way she dresses, the way she talks, the amount of time she spends on the phone with her friends—and even though she's taken his concerns to heart and made changes in these areas, he always seems to find something else to complain about. “I love him and I want him to be happy, but I'm confused,” Tracey explained to me. “Sometimes it seems like no matter what I do he never seems to be satisfied, and at other times I begin to think that maybe I do things deliberately just to upset him.”

Robert's wife isn't speaking to him again. This time it's been two weeks. Although it's happened many times before, it still bothers him immensely. “I feel like a bad boy who is being punished by his mother. It's not just the silent treatment that bothers me, it's the dirty looks, as well.”

Over the years, Robert has learned to stay away from his wife and give her time to cool down. “It doesn't do any good to try to apologize or explain my side of the story—she refuses to listen, and often it makes her more angry. When she's ready to start talking to me again, she will—until then, I just have to suffer in silence.”

Jason's lover, Mark, is extremely possessive and jealous. “He has to know where I am 24 hours a day,” Jason complained to me. “He calls me at work several times a day, and if I'm away from my desk, he gets really angry and wants to know where I was and what I was doing. There are several nice‐looking men in my office, and Mark is convinced I'm going to have an affair with one of them. It does absolutely no good at all for me to try to reassure him. And he's constantly accusing me of flirting. The worst part about it is that I'm beginning to question myself. I don't think I flirt, but maybe I do without realizing it.”

Although Tracey, Robert, and Jason don't realize it, they are all being emotionally abused. The same is true of thousands of other women and men like them. Slowly, systematically, their self‐confidence is whittled away, their self‐esteem is eroded, and their perception of themselves is distorted—and yet they don't even know it is happening.

An individual or a couple can remain locked in a prison of conflict, shame and humiliation, fear, and anger for years without realizing that they are in an emotionally abusive relationship. They may assume that all couples fight as they do or that all women (or men) are treated as they are. Often, emotional abuse between couples is denied, made light of, or written off as simple conflicts or “love‐spats” when, in fact, one or both partners are being severely damaged psychologically. Even those who realize they are being emotionally abused tend to blame themselves or make excuses for their partner's behavior. Little do they know that by allowing their partner to continue this kind of destructive behavior, they are actually participating in destroying their relationship. Emotional abuse is one of the prime factors in creating dysfunctional relationships and one of the major causes for separation or divorce.

WHAT IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE?

When most people think of emotional abuse, they usually think of one or both partners belittling or criticizing the other. But emotional abuse is much more than verbal abuse. Emotional abuse can be defined as any nonphysical behavior that is designed to control, intimidate, subjugate, demean, punish, or isolate another person through the use of degradation, humiliation, or fear.

Emotionally abusive behavior ranges from verbal abuse (belittling, berating, constant criticism) to more subtle tactics like intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to be pleased. We will take a much more in‐depth look at the various types of emotional abuse in the next chapter, but for now, here are some examples of emotional abuse in intimate relationships:

Humiliation and degradation;

Discounting and negating;

Domination and control;

Judging and criticizing;

Accusing and blaming;

Trivial and unreasonable demands or expectations;

Emotional distancing and the “silent treatment”; and

Isolation.

Emotional abuse can also include more subtle forms of behavior such as:

Withholding of attention or affection;

Disapproving, dismissive, contemptuous, or condescending looks, comments, and behavior;

Sulking and pouting;

Projection and/or accusations; and

Subtle threats of abandonment (either physical or emotional).

Emotional abuse is not only made up of negative behaviors but negative attitudes as well. Therefore, we need to include the word attitude in our definition of emotional abuse. People who are emotionally abusive need not take any overt action whatsoever. All they need to do is to exhibit an abusive attitude. Here are some examples:

Believing that others should do as you say;

Not noticing how others feel;

Not caring how others feel;

Believing that everyone else is inferior to you; and

Believing that you are always right.

So emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that is designed to control, intimidate, subjugate, demean, punish, or isolate another person. But there are also some types of physical behavior that can be considered emotional abuse. These behaviors have a name: symbolic violence. This includes intimidating behavior such as slamming doors, kicking a wall, throwing dishes, furniture, or other objects, driving recklessly while the victim is in the car, and destroying or threatening to destroy objects the victim values. Even milder forms of violence such as shaking a fist or finger at the victim, making threatening gestures or faces, or acting like he or she wants to kill the victim carry symbolic threats of violence.

HOW EMOTIONAL ABUSE DOES DAMAGE

Emotional abuse is extremely damaging, more damaging, in fact, than physical abuse. Emotional abuse is considered by many to be the most painful form of violence and the most detrimental to self‐esteem. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be longer lasting than physical ones. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticisms, and accusations slowly eat away at victims’ self‐esteem until they are incapable of judging a situation realistically. They may begin to believe that there is something wrong with them or even fear that they are losing their mind. Victims can become so beaten down emotionally that they blame themselves for the abuse.

The primary effects of emotional abuse are depression, lack of motivation, confusion, difficulty concentrating or making decisions, low self‐esteem, feelings of failure or worthlessness, feelings of hopelessness, self‐blame, and self‐destructiveness. Emotional abuse is like brainwashing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self‐confidence, sense of self‐worth, trust in his or her perceptions, and self‐concept. Whether it is by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of “guidance” or teaching, the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient loses all sense of self and all remnants of personal value.

Abused partners tend to take on the criticism and rejection of their partner or to be in constant turmoil, wondering things like: Am I as bad as he makes me out to be or is he just impossible to please? Should I stay in this relationship or should I go? If I'm as incompetent as he says I am, maybe I can't make it on my own. Maybe no one will ever love me again. Ultimately, given enough time, most victims of emotional abuse come to not only blame themselves for all the problems in the relationship but also to believe that they are inadequate, contemptuous, and even unlovable.

In addition to damaging the victim, emotional abuse poisons a relationship and infuses it with hostility, contempt, and hatred. No matter how much a couple once loved each other, once emotional abuse becomes a consistent aspect of the relationship, that love is overshadowed by fear, anger, guilt, and shame. Whether it is one or both partners who are being emotionally abusive, the relationship becomes increasingly more toxic as time goes by. In this polluted environment it is difficult for love to grow or even to survive.

At the very least, emotional abuse causes both the abuser and the victim to lose sight of any redeeming qualities his or her partner once had. The more a partner is allowed to degrade, criticize, or dominate his partner, the less he will respect his partner. And the more a partner is emotionally abused, the more she will slowly build up an intense hatred toward her abuser. The disrespect and hatred each partner begins to feel leads to more and more emotional abuse and to each partner justifying inappropriate, even destructive, behavior. Over time, anger can build up on the part of both abuser and victim, and emotional abuse can turn to physical violence.

When emotional abuse is mutual, it becomes a matter of survival, as each partner has to constantly fend off the criticism, verbal attacks, or rejection and shore up enough strength to go on with daily tasks.

As the emotional abuse takes its toll and each partner becomes less and less self‐assured, each clings to the relationship even more. A destructive cycle is created—even as the relationship becomes more and more abusive each person may become more dependent on his or her partner. And as the relationship continues to deteriorate, each partner feels further justified in becoming even more abusive.

Whether you suspect you are being emotionally abused, fear that you might be emotionally abusing your partner, or think that both you and your partner are emotionally abusing each other, this book will help you. If you are uncertain as to whether you are being emotionally abused, you will learn important information that will help you decide once and for all. If you fear that you might be emotionally abusing your partner, you will learn exactly what constitutes emotionally abusive behavior as well as what causes it. And if you think you and your partner are emotionally abusing each other, you'll learn how to stop triggering one another, how to stop bringing out the worst in one another, and how to develop healthier ways of relating to each other.

QUESTIONNAIRE: Are You Being Emotionally Abused?

Answer the following questions to help determine whether or not you are being emotionally abused in your relationship.

Do you feel as if your partner treats you like a child? Does your partner constantly correct you or chastise you because your behavior is “inappropriate”? Do you feel you must “get permission” before going somewhere or before making even the smallest decisions? Do you have to account for any money you spend or do they attempt to control your spending (even though they have no problem spending on themself)?

Does your partner treat you as if you are “less than” or inferior to them? Does your partner make a point of reminding you that you are less educated or that you make less money or that you aren't as attractive as they are?

Does your partner routinely ridicule, dismiss, or disregard your opinions, thoughts, suggestions, and feelings?

Does your partner constantly belittle your accomplishments, your aspirations, or your plans for the future?

Do you find yourself “walking on eggshells”? Do you spend a lot of time monitoring your behavior and/or watching for your partner's bad moods before bringing up a subject?

Have you stopped seeing many or all of your friends and/or family since being in this relationship? Did you do this because your partner dislikes them, because your partner feels jealous of the time you spent with them, or because you are ashamed of the way your partner treats you in front of them? Did you stop seeing friends and family because you are ashamed of the fact that you're still with your partner, even though you've complained to them many times about the way your partner treats you?

Does your partner usually insist on getting their own way? Do they want to be the one to decide where you will go, what you will do, and with whom you will do it?

Does your partner punish you by pouting, by withdrawing from you, by giving you the silent treatment, or by withholding affection or sex if you don't do things their way?

Does your partner frequently threaten to end the relationship if you don't do things their way?

Does your partner constantly accuse you of flirting or of having affairs even though it isn't true?

Does your partner feel they are always right?

Does your partner seem impossible to please? Do they constantly complain to you about some aspect of your personality, your looks, or the way you choose to run your life?

Does your partner frequently put you down or make fun of you in front of others?

Does your partner blame you for their problems? For example, does your partner claim it is your fault if they fly off the handle and start screaming? Do they tell you they wouldn't do it if you didn't make them so mad? Are you to blame for their problem with compulsive overeating? Because they have a drinking problem? Do they blame you for not being able to finish college or fulfill his dream of becoming an actor (author, musician, singer, etc.)?

Does your partner feel you are the one who is responsible for all the problems in the relationship?

Does your partner's personality seem to go through radical changes? Is your partner pleasant one minute only to be furious the next? Does your partner become enraged with only the slightest provocation? Do they experience periods of extreme elation followed by periods of severe depression? Does their personality seem to change when they drink alcohol?

Does your partner tease you, make fun of you, or use sarcasm as a way to put you down or degrade you? When you complain, do they tell you it was just a joke and that you are too sensitive or don't have a sense of humor?

Is your partner unable to laugh at themself? Are they extremely sensitive when it comes to others making fun of them or making any kind of comment that they feel shows a lack of respect?

Does your partner find it difficult or impossible to apologize or admit when they are wrong? Do they make excuses for their behavior or tend to blame others for their mistakes?

Does your partner constantly pressure you for sex or try to persuade you to engage in sexual acts that you find disgusting? Have they ever threatened to find someone else who will have sex with them or who will engage in the activities they are interested in?

If you answered half or more of these questions with a yes, you are definitely being emotionally abused. But a yes answer to even a few of the preceding questions can also indicate emotional abuse. More than anything else, what characterizes an emotionally abusive relationship is a consistent pattern of hurtful, humiliating, and condescending behavior.

DETERMINING WHETHER YOU ARE BEING EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE

As difficult as it is to admit you are being emotionally abused, it is even harder to face the possibility that you might be guilty of emotionally abusing your partner. No one wants to have to face the fact that he or she has lost control in this way and that his or her actions and/or words have caused his or her partner emotional damage. It is much easier to continue trying to justify or rationalize your behavior by telling yourself that your partner pushes you too far or that your partner deserves the treatment you give her. But if you are emotionally abusing your partner, the only way you are going to save your relationship and save yourself is to stop making excuses and admit the truth—first to yourself and eventually to your partner. The first step in admitting this truth is to answer the following questions as honestly as possible.

QUESTIONNAIRE: Are You Being Emotionally Abusive?

Do you believe you have a right to make most of the decisions in the relationship?

Do you insist that your partner do as you say?

Do you perceive yourself as being superior to or “better than” your partner (e.g., smarter, more competent, more powerful)? Do you feel you have a right to special treatment or consideration in the relationship because of this?

Do you secretly disrespect or even despise your partner because you feel they are weak, inadequate, stupid, or a pushover?

Did you deliberately get involved with a partner who would allow you to maintain the dominant role in the relationship?

Do you give your partner the silent treatment or withhold approval, affection, sex, or money when they don't do as you wish?

Do you threaten to leave the house or to end the relationship whenever you don't get your way?

In addition to your partner, do you often have disagreements or arguments with others? Do you often feel misunderstood by others?

Do you often feel victimized or targeted by others?

Do you think your partner and others are just too sensitive and that is why they get their feelings hurt so often by the things you say and do? Do you think your partner should just learn how to laugh at themself instead of taking offense when you tease them?

Have you insisted that your partner drop all or most of their friends and outside activities?

Have you ever denied doing or saying something just to make your partner doubt their perceptions or sanity?

Do you believe your partner should be willing to have sex with you whenever you are in the mood and that they should be willing to engage in any sexual activity you are interested in exploring?

Have you ever threatened to find someone who would have sex with you or who would engage in the sexual activities you want to engage in if your partner doesn't comply?

Do you experience frequent mood shifts, sometimes going from loving to rejecting in only a matter of a few minutes? Do you frequently become enraged? Are you often unaware of what causes your moods to change, but assume it is something your partner did or didn't do?

Do you believe your partner should put other things aside in order to tend to your needs? Do you believe your partner should want to spend all their free time with you, and when they don't, do you accuse them of being unloving or failing as a partner?

Do you telephone or text your partner at work or at home wanting reassurance that they are still there and still love you? If your partner isn't available or doesn't respond immediately do you become enraged?

Do you question your partner incessantly about their activities when you are apart? Do you want your partner to account for every minute of their day? Do you assume they are hiding something if they can't account for what they were doing at any given time? Do you insist your partner carry a cell phone so you can always get hold of them? Have you ever listened in on your partner's phone conversations without their permission, read their text messages, or emails, or made visits to their work or the place where they said they'd be just to make sure they are there?

Do you insist on being in control of the money in the relationship? Do you insist that your partner ask your permission before spending any money, or have you imposed a budget or an allowance on them? Do you require your partner to account for every penny they spend?

Do you expect your partner to always have the same opinions as you? To vote the same way? To like the same activities?

Have you ever threatened to hurt or destroy something of your partner's? Have you ever threatened to hurt your partner? Have you ever threatened to hurt your partner's children, family, or friends?

Have you ever thrown or broken objects while in a rage at your partner or in an attempt to scare them? Have you ever refused to let your partner leave a room or your home? Have you ever pushed or shoved your partner?

If you answered yes to several of these questions, it means that you have been guilty of emotionally abusing your partner. This doesn't mean you are a horrible person or even that you should be referred to as an “abuser.” We are all guilty of using emotionally abusive tactics on our partners from time to time. This certainly doesn't make it right, however, and you should make a concerted effort to stop this behavior now that you know it is abusive.

If you answered more than five questions with a yes, you have exhibited a pattern of emotional abuse, and this is far more serious. If you want to regain your self‐respect and your partner's trust, you will need to become totally honest with yourself and to your partner about your behavior and your attitude toward them. Later on in the book, you'll discover the reasons why you have become abusive, and you'll discover other ways of dealing with stress and with the feelings of shame, guilt, envy, and anger that have caused you to be abusive.

Please note: Questions 1–5 reflect an emotionally abusive attitude. If you answered yes to half or more of these questions, you have an emotionally abusive attitude, and this in itself is experienced as emotional abuse. Even if you answered yes to only a few of the remaining questions, you still have reason to be concerned because an emotionally abusive attitude often leads to emotionally abusive behavior.

NO MONSTERS HERE

Unlike many other books on the subject of abuse, this book is not going to characterize those who emotionally abuse their partners as horrible monsters. First of all, those who become emotionally abusive often do so unintentionally and unconsciously instead of deliberately and maliciously. Their unconscious motivations often come from the same source as partners who put up with emotionally abusive behavior—an abusive or neglectful childhood. This was the case with my client Don.

DON: LIKE MOTHER, LIKE SON

I didn't mean to emotionally abuse my wife. Hell, I didn't even know I was doing it for a long time. I was just treating my wife the way my mother treated me. When I was growing up, my mother smothered me emotionally. She said she loved me so much that she couldn't bear to have me out of her sight. When I got older and insisted on going out to play with the other kids, she acted wounded and told me I didn't love her—otherwise I wouldn't want to leave her all alone. My dad died when I was five, and from that time on, my mom always said I had to be the man of the house. That meant taking care of her needs.

When I decided to get married, I looked for a woman who was very different from my mother—someone who wouldn't try to smother me, someone who had her own life and didn't need me to be there for her all the time. Sherry was just that kind of woman. She was independent and had lots of friends and was involved in lots of activities. But shortly after we got married, I suddenly started feeling threatened by her friends, and I felt abandoned if she decided to do something with them instead of staying home with me. I complained to her that she didn't love me, that if she did, she'd prefer to be with me.

As time went on, I became more and more possessive of her and accused her of having an affair. I even started following her when she went out. I began stalking my own wife! It wasn't until she insisted that we get counseling that I became aware that I was being abusive, and I was treating her the way my mother treated me.

Sometimes a person can be aware that he is being abusive and feel horrible about it and yet still be unable to stop. When this person gains some insights as to why he is being abusive, he is often able to begin making significant changes. This was the case with my client Alex.

ALEX: GETTING TO THE REAL REASON FOR HIS ANGER

Alex came to me because he realized his treatment of his wife was becoming more and more abusive, yet even though he tried, he just couldn't stop himself. “I don't like it that I'm so critical of Carol all the time. I hate what comes out of my mouth. I can't believe the things I've said to her—horrible things. I always feel so angry with her, and I don't always know why.”

Alex often told himself he was angry with Carol because she couldn't seem to keep a job, and he had to support their family all by himself. He told himself it was because she didn't believe in birth control and so she kept having more and more kids. But while it was true that the financial pressure played a factor, it didn't really explain Alex's need to chastise and degrade Carol all the time. As it turned out, we were both to discover that it went back much further.

Alex's family was very poor when he was growing up. His father used to have to go out of town to find work, and he'd send money home to Alex's mother that was intended to last the entire month. But his mother was an extravagant woman who spent almost the entire amount in the first week on luxury items like chocolate, expensive meats, and alcohol for parties she'd give for her friends. By the end of the month they were always down to potatoes, and sometimes they didn't even have that and they'd go hungry for a few days. Alex had vowed he'd never let his kids go hungry.

During one of our sessions, Alex was talking about his mother when he turned to me and said, “Do you think that's why I feel so angry at my wife? Am I really angry at my mother?” That was, in fact, exactly what I was thinking. Alex and I began working on helping him to release his anger toward his mother.

Another common reason for becoming emotionally abusive is an attempt to avoid becoming a victim.

KAREN: TURNING THE TABLES

Karen was emotionally abused as a child and in her first two marriages. Her second husband became so abusive that Karen almost committed suicide. This brought her into therapy. For two years Karen and I worked on repairing the damage caused by her husbands’ and her father's domination and constant criticism. She worked on releasing the repressed anger that she had turned on herself and on being more assertive. Karen left therapy when she became involved with another man, a man who was different from her usual pattern. “This guy is so great. He lets me decide what we are going to do instead of telling me. And he never puts me down. He thinks I'm wonderful just the way I am.”

Even though I felt Karen had left therapy prematurely, things were indeed looking good for her. Two months later I received a wedding invitation in the mail. While it seemed a bit too soon, I hoped she was marrying a man who would be good to her.

I received a call from Karen only four months later. She was in tears. Her new husband was threatening to leave her, and she wanted to know if I could see them in couples therapy to help her understand what was going on.

Her new husband, Brett, explained that he loved Karen, but he simply couldn't tolerate the way she treated him. “She orders me around like I'm a child, and she insists on having her way. I'm a very easy‐going guy, and I don't have to have things my way all the time, but I would like her to consider my needs sometimes. I know other men in her life treated her badly, but I'm not like those men. I treat her with respect, and I expect her to do the same. I just can't stand her belittling comments any longer.”

Karen admitted that she often criticized Brett, but she didn't realize she had become emotionally abusive. “I guess I mistook Brett's tendency to be easy‐going for weakness, and for some reason, this made me feel like I could get away with treating him badly. My God, I've become my father and my ex‐husbands.”

Women and men like Karen often go from one extreme to the other—from victim to abuser—in their attempts to achieve some balance in their lives. While many become healthy enough to thwart their attraction to abusive partners, they often choose a person who is unassertive or passive in order to guarantee they will never be abused again. Unfortunately, their own abusiveness is then activated, as it was with Karen.

With a few months of couples therapy, Karen and Brett were able to turn around their relationship. Karen learned to balance her need to not be dominated with consideration for Brett's needs, and Brett learned that he could be assertive with Karen without becoming an abuser himself.

Instead of blaming and shaming those who have become abusive, I believe it is far more important to encourage people to take responsibility for their behavior and for changing their behavior. This involves exploring your childhood for clues to your present behavior, releasing repressed and suppressed emotions toward what I call your “original abusers,” and learning strategies for dealing with anger and stress in more constructive ways.

ENDING EMOTIONAL ABUSE

Sometimes stopping the abuse means walking away from an emotionally abusive relationship. Other times it means that the victim needs to gain enough strength and learn appropriate strategies so that she or he can become more assertive in the relationship. It always means that the abusive partner needs to discover and work on those core issues that cause the abusive behavior, and often it means working together as a couple to change the destructive patterns both have created.

Some of you reading this book will, for the first time, discover that you are being emotionally abused. This may lead you to come to the conclusion that you need to end your relationship, and you may, in fact, be emotionally prepared to do so. But many of you will not be prepared to leave the relationship now. It may be that you fear being alone or you may be afraid you won't be able to make it on your own—you may feel you need to become more financially stable before you can leave. Reading the book in its entirety and completing all the exercises, especially those in the chapters dedicated to victims of emotional abuse, will help you emotionally prepare to leave.

Some of you may feel there is still a chance to turn around things in your relationship. By following the strategies offered in Part Two of the book, especially those about standing up to an abusive partner whenever he or she becomes abusive, I believe you have a good chance of salvaging your relationship. This is especially true if you and your partner are both willing to do your part in changing your negative patterns.

Each partner needs to understand why they are being abusive and/or why they are putting up with abuse from their partner. Part Two will explain in detail how we develop patterns of behavior based on our childhood experiences—the way our parents treated us and each other—and how we unconsciously repeat these patterns of behavior as a way of trying to resolve early childhood conflicts.

Once you understand the root of your behavior, the next step will be to learn guidelines for how you can go about completing the unfinished business that has created your patterns of unhealthy behavior. Those of you who emotionally abuse your partner need help in working through your feelings of pain, rage, shame, fear, and guilt concerning your own abuse or neglect so you do not continue to repeat the behavior with your partner. If you are being emotionally abused, you need help recognizing the fact that you do not deserve such treatment and understanding why you have tolerated the abuse in the first place. Sometimes it becomes clear that a couple should not stay together, either because they continue to bring out the worst in one another or because the abusive partner refuses to work on changing. When this is the case, partners need to know when it is time to end the relationship and how to do so without destroying each other. The information in Part Three will help with this process.

CHAPTER 2Patterns of Abuse

“Sticks and stones may break our bones, but words will break our hearts.”

—Robert Fulghum

The specific types of emotional abuse that we briefly discussed in Chapter 1 are most often combined together to create certain patterns of abuse. In this chapter we'll explore these patterns in depth and discover why they are the most prevalent types of emotional abuse between intimate couples. As you read the descriptions, try to keep an open mind about whether you are on the giving or the receiving end of these types of abusive patterns.

DOMINATION

To dominate is to attempt to control another person's actions. The person who tries to dominate another person has a tremendous need to have his own way, and he often resorts to threats in order to get it. Domineering behavior includes ordering a partner around; monitoring time and activities; restricting resources (finances, telephone); restricting social activities; isolating a partner from her family or friends; interfering with opportunities (job, education, medical care); excessive jealousy and possessiveness; throwing objects; threatening to harm a partner or a partner's children, family, friends, pets, or property; abusing a partner's children, parents, or pets in front of her; and forcing or coercing a partner into illegal activity.

ANDREA AND TIM: A NEED TO CONTROL

Andrea's husband, Tim, insisted on having control over all aspects of their lives. He insisted that Andrea turn over her entire check to him as soon as she was paid, and then gave her an allowance for the week to pay for lunches and other incidentals. If Andrea needed to buy something, such as new shoes for a special occasion, she had to ask Tim for the money. She always had to have a good reason why she needed the money, and depending on his mood, he would give it to her or not.

Tim also had to have control over their social life. He chose their friends and which movies and restaurants they would go to. Whenever Andrea tried to assert herself by suggesting a particular movie or restaurant, Tim would act as if she were the controlling one. “You know I hate those girly movies,” he'd yell at her. “Why do you keep on insisting we go to them?” That didn't stop Tim from insisting on going to violent action movies, even though he knew Andrea hated them. When they were first married, Andrea tried insisting that she and Tim go to a new restaurant every so often. But once they were seated, Tim would begin to find fault with the lighting, the service, and the food to such an extent that it ruined her evening. Andrea soon learned that it just wasn't worth it to be assertive with Tim, that it was best to give him his own way.

Tim even dictated when Andrea could see her parents. He felt threatened by her close relationship with them and didn't want them “interfering” with their marriage, so he refused to let her see them very often or even talk on the phone with them.

VERBAL ASSAULTS

Verbal assault includes berating, belittling, criticizing, humiliating, name‐calling, screaming, threatening, excessive blaming, shaming, using sarcasm in a cutting way, or expressing disgust toward the person. This kind of abuse is extremely damaging to a person's self‐esteem and self‐image. Just as assuredly as physical violence assaults the body, verbal abuse assaults the mind and spirit, causing wounds that are extremely difficult to heal. Yelling and screaming is not only demeaning but frightening as well. When someone yells at us, we become afraid that he or she may also resort to physical violence. In her book The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Patricia Evans (1992) includes the following as forms of verbal abuse: withholding, countering, discounting, verbal abuse disguised as jokes, blocking and diverting, accusing, judging, trivializing, forgetting, ordering, denial, and abusive anger.

KITTY AND ROLAND: THE CASE OF THE POISON TONGUE

Roland was constantly exasperated with his wife, Kitty. “I just can't believe you could have been so stupid,” was one of his typical phrases. Others included “Get your head out of your butt” and “What were you thinking?” The insinuation was always the same—that Kitty was incompetent.

These comments started shortly after Kitty and Roland were married. “I do make a lot of mistakes,” Kitty explained to me. “I don't blame him for getting impatient with me.” Kitty didn't seem to understand that Roland's comments were hurting her emotionally and that every time she made a mistake and was chastised by him, her self‐esteem was being damaged. “I try to hide my mistakes from him because I know he's going to tell me how stupid I am if he finds out,” Kitty finally admitted. And she admitted something else as well. “When I'm around Roland, I seem to make more mistakes than usual.”

Both Roland and Kitty seemed to feel that he had the right to chastise Kitty and call her names, even after I explained to both of them that Roland was actually verbally abusing Kitty. Roland quit therapy shortly afterward, but I continued to see Kitty. As time went by, Roland became more and more abusive, and Kitty began to feel more and more inadequate. Finally, one day Kitty broke down and started sobbing after Roland had said some particularly cruel things to her. This was the turning point for Kitty. She finally recognized she was being abused and how it was damaging her.

CONSTANT CRITICISM/CONTINUAL BLAMING

This form of emotional abuse can be included in the verbal abuse category, but I have chosen to make it a separate category because it often occurs on its own, without any other form of verbal abuse accompanying it, and because it can sometimes characterize an entire relationship.

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