Healing Your Emotional Self E-Book

Beverly Engel

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 405

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2010

Beschreibung

Healing Your Emotional Self "Emotionally abusive parents are indeed toxic parents, and they cause significant damage to their children's self-esteem, self-image, and body image. In this remarkable book, Beverly Engel shares her powerful Mirror Therapy program for helping adult survivors to overcome their shame and self-criticism, become more compassionate and accepting of themselves, and create a more posititve self-image. I strongly recommend it for anyone who was abused or neglected as a child." --Susan Forward, Ph.D., author of Toxic Parents "In this book, Beverly Engel documents the wide range of psychological abuses that so many children experience in growing up. Her case examples and personal accounts are poignant and powerful reminders that as adults, many of us are still limited by the defenses we formed when trying to protect ourselves in the face of the painful circumstances we found ourselves in as children. Engle's insightful questionnaires and exercises provide concrete help in the healing process, and her writing style is lively and engaging. This book is destined to positively affect many lives." --Joyce Catlett, M.A., coauthor of Fear of Intimacy The Emotionally Abusive Relationship "Beverly Engel clearly and with caring offers step-by-step strategies to stop emotional abuse . . . helping both victims and abusers to identify the patterns of this painful and traumatic type of abuse." --Marti Tamm Loring, Ph.D., author of Emotional Abuse Loving Him without Losing You "A powerful and practical guide to relationships that every woman should read." --Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D., author of Are You the One for Me?

Leseprobe

Table of Contents

Title Page

Copyright Page

Dedication

Acknowledgements

Introduction

PART ONE - How Your Parents Shaped Your Self-Esteem, Self-Image, and Body Image

Chapter 1 - Our Parents as Mirrors

Self-Esteem Defined

The Real Cause of Your Low Self-Esteem or Negative Self-Image

“Inner Critic” Defined

Emotional Abuse and Neglect Defined

The Role of Shame in Creating Low Self-Esteem and Perfectionism

How Emotional Abuse and Neglect Affect Your Sense of Self

How Parents Act as Mirrors

Chapter 2 - The Seven Types of Negative Parental Mirrors

The Neglectful or Inadequate Parent - PARENTAL MIRROR: “YOU ARE UNLOVABLE”

The Abandoning or Rejecting Parent - PARENTAL MIRROR: “YOU ARE WORTHLESS”

The Smothering, Possessive, or Intrusive Parent - PARENTAL MIRROR: “YOU ARE ...

The Overly Controlling, Tyrannical Parent - PARENTAL MIRROR: “YOU ARE POWERLESS”

The Perfectionistic Parent - PARENTAL MIRROR: “YOU ARE NEVER GOOD ENOUGH”

Hypercritical, Shaming Parents - PARENTAL MIRROR: “YOU ARE BAD” OR “YOU ARE UNACCEPTABLE”

The Self-Absorbed or Narcissistic Parent - PARENTAL MIRROR: “YOU DON’T MATTER” ...

Chapter 3 - Your Body as a Mirror

Obsessors and Avoiders

How Is Our Body Image Created?

Do You Judge Yourself Accurately?

Peer Acceptance and Rejection

The Effects of Emotional Abuse, Neglect, and Smothering on Our Body Image

Chapter 4 - How Mirror Therapy Works

The Basic Premises of Mirror Therapy

Mirroring and Projection

How to Use This Book

PART TWO - Shattering Your Distorted Parental Mirror

Chapter 5 - Rejecting Your Parents’ Negative Reflection

Shattering Your Distorted Image

Psychological Truths of the Week

Chapter 6 - Emotionally Separating from Your Parents

Enmeshment

Complete Your Unfinished Business

Resolve Your Relationships with Your Parents and Other Abusers

Facing the Pain and Confusion of Emotional Separation

Psychological Truths of the Week

Chapter 7 - Quieting and Countering Your Inner Critic

Your Inner Critic

When Your Inner Critic Becomes a Saboteur

Replacing Your Critical Voice with a More Positive, Nurturing Voice

Psychological Truths of the Week

PART THREE - Creating a New Mirror

Chapter 8 - Looking Deeper into the Mirror

Reconnect with Your Body and Your Emotions

Learning about Yourself through Your Emotions

Being Aware of Your Emotions Can Help You to Change Them

Fill Up Your Emptiness with Your Own Feelings

Discover Your Essence

Shedding Your Idealized Self-Image and Embracing Who You Really Are

Psychological Truths of the Week

Chapter 9 - Providing for Yourself What You Missed as a Child

How to Provide Empathetic Mirroring for Yourself

Creating a Nurturing Inner Voice (Mothering)

Your Need for Structure (Fathering)

Creating Balance in Your Life

Becoming Your Own Responsive Parent

A Self-Care Assessment

Learning How to Soothe Yourself in Healthy Ways

Treating Ourselves the Way Our Parents Treated Us

Psychological Truths of the Week

Chapter 10 - Learning to Love Your Body

Connecting with Your Body

Your Body as a Teacher

Your Body’s Story

Our Parents, Our Bodies

Valuing Your Body

Loving Yourself

Psychological Truths of the Week

PART FOUR - Specialized Help

Chapter 11 - If You Were Neglected, Rejected, or Abandoned

Pay Attention to Yourself

The Importance of Touch and Human Contact

Abandonment Wounds

Inner-Child Work

Self-Indulgence

Stop Attacking Yourself

Being Reminded of Your Value and Lovability

Chapter 12 - If You Were Overprotected or Emotionally Smothered

Joshua: The Case of the “Momma’s Boy”

Healing from Emotional Incest

Action Steps for Healing

Chapter 13 - If You Were Overly Controlled or Tyrannized

Make Sure You Aren’t Still Being Controlled

How to Take Back Your Power

How Being in Touch with Your Essence Can Help You Quiet Your Inner Critic

Continue to Develop Self-Acceptance and Self-Love

Chapter 14 - If You Had Overly Critical, Shaming, or Perfectionistic Parents

Differentiate between Shame and Guilt

If You Externalized Your Shame

If You Internalized Your Shame - FROM SELF-BLAME TO ANGER

How to Rid Yourself of Shame

How to Deal with a Shame Attack

Countering Messages from Perfectionistic Parents

How to Deal with Your Internalized Inner Critic

Chapter 15 - If You Had a Self-Absorbed or Narcissistic Parent

Creating a Separate Self

Allow Yourself to Experience Life

Explore Your Creativity

Join a Group

Focus on Establishing an Inner Life

Seek Outside Help

Chapter 16 - Continuing to Heal

Appendix - Recommended Therapies

References

Recommended Reading

Index

Copyright © 2006 by Beverly Engel. All rights reserved

Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey

Published simultaneously in Canada

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data:

Engel, Beverly.

Healing your emotional self : a powerful program to help you raise your self-esteem, quiet your inner critic, and overcome your shame / Beverly Engel.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 978-0-471-72567-1 (cloth)

1. Mental health. 2. Self-esteem. 3. Self-care, Health. 4. Psychology, Pathological. I. Title.

RA790.E555 2006

158.1—dc22

This book is dedicated to the memory of those who lost their lives in the tsunami in December 2004 and to all the people who worried about me while I was in India. The experience taught me a valuable lesson and reminded me of how many people love me—a lesson those of us who were abused continually need to relearn.

Acknowledgments

I feel so fortunate and so grateful to work once again with Tom Miller, my wonderful editor at John Wiley & Sons. I appreciate his wise feedback and am grateful for the fact that he has gone to bat for me over and over. His faith in me has been unremitting, and it has helped me to continue to have faith in myself. I wish to thank everyone at Wiley who worked on this book, especially Lisa Burstiner, who did an economical yet astute job of editing.

To my fabulous agent, Stedman Mays, I offer my undying gratitude and appreciation. You have gone way, way beyond the call of duty for me. I appreciate all your hard work, your feedback, your suggestions, your intuition, and most of all your dedication.

I also want to express my gratitude for Mary Tahan, my other agent. Mary, I appreciate your insights and suggestions regarding my books, and I especially appreciate all your hard work when it comes to selling my foreign rights. I always know you are pulling for me.

I am deeply appreciative of the numerous clients who were willing to try my Mirror Therapy techniques. Your courage, determination, and feedback are greatly appreciated.

I am deeply indebted to the work of two authors whose work I called upon for this book: Elan Golumb, Ph.D., author of Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self; and Byron Brown, author of Soul without Shame: A Guide to Liberating Yourself from the Judge Within. Their wonderful work illuminated and inspired me.

I am also indebted to the work of two people whose ideas inspired me to create my Mirror Therapy program. Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D., Ph.D., the author of The Power of Empathy: A Practical Guide to Creating Intimacy, Self-Understanding and Lasting Love, provided me a framework from which to work, especially with regard to having empathy for oneself. Laurel Mellin, creator of the Solutions Program and author of The Pathway, has helped me to further understand the damage caused by inadequate parenting. And while I already understood the importance of creating a nurturing inner voice (symbolic of a healthy mother), Laurel taught me that it is equally important to create healthy limits (symbolic of a strong father).

Introduction

THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE who were emotionally abused, neglected, or smothered by their parents or other significant caretakers when they were growing up. Many of these people do not realize they were abused or neglected, and they continue to suffer from myriad problems throughout their lives because they are not getting the help they need. People who internalize the abuse manifest self-destructiveness, depression, suicidal thoughts, passivity, withdrawal (avoidance of social contacts), shyness, and a low degree of communication with others. They are likely to have low self-esteem and may suffer from feelings of guilt and remorse, depression, loneliness, rejection, and resignation. Perceiving themselves as unworthy and the world as a hostile place in which they are bound to fail, many are unwilling to try new tasks, develop new skills, or take risks.

People who externalize the abuse may be unpredictable and violent, their behavior characterized by impulsive action rather than conformity to social norms. They frequently become anxious, aggressive, and hostile. They suffer from constant fear and are always on the alert and ready to hit back. Many end up mistreating others, often in the same ways they were mistreated.

At the core of all these symptoms and behaviors is an inadequately developed sense of self and a distorted image of self based on parental negative messages and treatment. Unless adult survivors address these fundamental issues, their efforts toward recovery will be thwarted.

If you were a victim of emotional abuse or neglect as a child, this book will show you exactly what you need to do in order to heal from the damage done to your self-image and self-esteem. Healing Your Emotional Self will guide you step by step through a program that is both innovative and psychologically sound—innovative because it uses the mirror as a metaphor and a tool for healing, and psychologically sound because it combines my many years of experience specializing in treating people who have been emotionally abused with various respected psychological concepts.

Although the primary audience for this book is survivors of emotional abuse and neglect, this book is for anyone who suffers from low self-esteem or body-image issues. People who are preoccupied with their bodies, or who determine their self-worth by how their bodies look, will find the book particularly helpful. Many suffer from a distorted body image and from negative feelings concerning their bodies, but they do not understand that the cause may be negative parental messages, emotional abuse, or neglect.

Many of you know me from my other books on emotional abuse, namely: The Emotionally Abusive Relationship, The Emotionally Abused Woman, and Encouragements for the Emotionally Abused Woman. In those books I wrote about the fact that people who are currently being emotionally abused (or are abusive) are doing so because they were emotionally abused as children. Now, in Healing Your Emotional Self, I will help readers take a giant step forward by offering a powerful program that will help them repair the damage caused by emotionally abusive parents.

Childhood neglect and emotional abuse cause many of the most serious problems people suffer from today. This is not a revelation to most professionals or to many who suffer from its effects, but in spite of this knowledge, there is insufficient help for the survivors of these types of abuse. Relatively few books have offered readers a complete understanding of how this kind of child abuse affects people, ways to heal from the damage, and how to resolve relationships with parents. This is the first book to offer a comprehensive healing program specific to the kinds of messages (mirrors) that emotionally abusive and neglectful parents give their children and to how this kind of abuse affects a child’s self-image.

Neglect and emotional abuse are the primary causes of both borderline personality disorder (BPD) and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), which have turned out to be the disorders of our time. This is true for two major reasons: Children in the past two decades have grown up with absent, neglectful parents and parents who continued to pass on the emotional abuse they themselves sustained. In addition, both the borderline and narcissistic personality disorders have “come out of the closet” in terms of professionals telling their patients exactly what their diagnoses are. In the past they had kept these diagnoses from their clients for fear of traumatizing them.

Those who were emotionally abused or neglected also tend to suffer from eating disorders. Many overeat as a way of soothing themselves, while others overeat out of self-loathing. On the other end of the spectrum, many become anorexic as a way of gaining a sense of control because they feel overly controlled by their parents.

People recovering from alcohol or drug abuse will also find this book helpful because many addicts suffer from severe distortions to their sense of self.

In Healing Your Emotional Self I offer my unique Mirror Therapy program for healing, which has proven to be highly effective with my clients and the clients of some of my colleagues. This program is highly innovative, combining what I have learned from many years of specializing with adults who were emotionally abused or neglected as children with concepts from developmental psychology, object relations, self psychology, body therapies, cognitive behavioral therapy, and art therapy. Many of the ideas in the book are uniquely my own, while others are variations on the concepts created by other people, and together they form a unique program designed specifically for the emotionally abused or neglected.

For example, according Laurel Mellin M.A., R.D., author of The Pathway and creator of the Solutions Program, research on childhood obesity from San Francisco University shows that for the children studied, most of their extra weight was rooted in the most basic internal patterns of their functioning—the inner conversations they had with themselves. Teaching the kids some very basic skills—self-nurturing (which is like having a responsive internal mother) and setting effective limits (which is like having a safe, powerful father within)—brought their minds and bodies into balance and allowed their drive to overeat to fade. These skills can be taught to people of any age and are effective for other common excesses such as drinking, smoking, overspending, and working. The skills find their way into the thinking brain—our emotional core. I have adapted some of these skills to help adults who were emotionally abused or deprived to essentially “grow themselves up” and give themselves the skills their parents did not give them.

This book will not simply cover old ground. While I will spend some time defining emotional abuse and describing its effects, I focus primarily on healing, especially in regard to helping readers to raise their self-esteem and improve their self-image. (Refer to my earlier books The Emotionally Abused Woman, Encouragements for the Emotionally Abused Woman, and The Emotionally Abusive Relationship for more information on emotional abuse and its effects.)

I have organized this book around several themes, including “The Seven Types of Emotionally Abusive or Neglectful Parents” and “The Seven Most Common Parental Mirrors.” I provide specific advice and strategies for healing for each of the destructive parental mirrors and specific strategies for dealing with each of the seven types of emotionally abusive parents—all using my Mirror Therapy concepts and strategies.

There are other unique aspects to Healing Your Emotional Self. Most of my books on emotional abuse have been focused on the issue of relationships—how adults who were abused or neglected as children can avoid losing themselves in their relationships, how they can avoid being reabused, and how they can avoid passing on the abuse to a partner or to their children. Healing Your Emotional Self focuses on the self—how readers can become reunited with the self, how they can create a positive self separate from their abusive parents’ distorted picture of them, and how they can raise their self-esteem. In addition, the book focuses on helping readers to overcome their tendency toward self-blame, self-hatred, and self-destructiveness.

I also cover a subject that has not been focused on in self-help books: the effects on adults who experienced parental neglect in childhood. Many who were neglected will continually search for someone who will give to them what they missed out on in their childhood. This naturally sets them up to be used, victimized, or abused by their partners. Others suffer from a constant feeling of worthlessness, emptiness, deep loneliness, and confusion, and they are unable to sustain intimate relationships.

I will also discuss another issue that is seldom if ever covered in most self-help books—the effects of parental smothering on a child—which can be just as damaging as neglect.

Many people are preoccupied with their looks and even more are critical of them. While some depend on diets, exercise regimes, and cosmetic surgery to help them like what they see in the mirror, others recognize that they will never be happy with what they see unless they raise their self-esteem. This book takes raising your self-esteem to an entirely different level. It teaches a system that can actually help heal the damage caused by negative parental messages.

PART ONE

How Your Parents Shaped Your Self-Esteem, Self-Image, and Body Image

1

Our Parents as Mirrors

Perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order.

—ANN WILSON SCHAEF

I avoid looking in the mirror as much as I possibly can. When I do look, all I see are my imperfections—my long nose, my crooked teeth, my small breasts. Other people tell me I’m attractive, but I just don’t see it.

—Kristin, age twenty-six

I’m what you would call a perfectionist, especially when it comes to my work. It takes me twice as long as it does other people to get something done, because I have to go over it a dozen times to make sure I haven’t made any mistakes. My boss complains about my being so slow, but I’d rather have him complain about that than have him find a mistake. That would devastate me.

—Elliot, age thirty-one

There’s a voice inside my head that constantly chastises me with “Why did you do that?” “Why did you say that?” The criticism is relentless. Nothing I ever do is right. I’m never good enough. Sometimes I just feel like screaming—Shut up! Leave me alone!

—Teresa, age forty-three

I don’t know what it will take for me to finally feel good about myself. I keep thinking I need to do more, achieve more, be a better person, and then I’ll like myself. Other people are impressed with how much I’ve achieved in my life, but it doesn’t seem to matter how much I do; I’m never good enough for me.

—Charles, age fifty-five

DO YOU RELATE TO ANY of these people? Do you have a difficult time looking in the mirror because you never like what you see? Do you find that you are never pleased with yourself, no matter how much effort you put into making yourself a better person, no matter how much work you do on your body? Do you constantly find fault in yourself? Are you a perfectionist? Are you plagued by an inner critic who constantly berates you or finds something wrong with everything you do? Or are you like Charles, who believes that the way to feeling good about yourself is through your accomplishments—yet no matter how much you accomplish it is never enough?

Many of us focus a great deal of time and attention on improving our bodies and making ourselves more attractive. Yet, for all the time and money spent on dieting, exercise, clothes, and cosmetic surgery, many still do not like who they see in the mirror. There is always something that needs to be changed or improved.

People who are critical of how they look are usually critical of other aspects of themselves as well. They tend to focus on their flaws rather than their assets, and they are seldom pleased with their performance—whether at work, at school, or in a relationship. They chastise themselves mercilessly when they make a mistake.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to improve yourself; everyone suffers from time to time with self-critical thoughts. But some people have such low self-esteem that they are never satisfied with their achievements, their physical appearance, or their performance. They have a relentless inner critic who constantly tears them down and robs them of any satisfaction they might temporarily feel when they have reached a goal. The following questionnaire will help you determine whether you are suffering from low self-esteem and an unhealthy inner critic.

QUESTIONNAIRE: A “SELF” EXAMINATION

1. Do you suffer from insecurity or a lack of confidence?

2. Do you focus more on what you do wrong or what you fail at than what you do right or well?

3. Do you feel less than or not as good as other people because you are not perfect in what you do or how you look?

4. Do you believe you need to do more, be more, or give more in order to earn the respect and love of other people?

5. Are you aware of having a critical inner voice that frequently tells you that you did something wrong?

6. Are you constantly critical of your performance—at work, at school, at sports?

7. Are you critical of the way you interact with others? For example, do you frequently kick yourself for saying the wrong thing or for behaving in certain ways around others?

8. Do you feel like a failure—in life, in your career, in your relationships?

9. Are you a perfectionist?

10. Do you feel like you do not deserve good things? Do you become anxious when you are successful or happy?

11. Are you afraid that if people knew the real you, they wouldn’t like you? Are you afraid people will find out you are a fraud?

12. Are you frequently overwhelmed with shame and embarrassment because you feel exposed, made fun of, or ridiculed?

13. Do you constantly compare yourself to others and come up short?

14. Do you avoid looking in the mirror as much as possible, or do you tend to look in the mirror a lot to make sure you look okay?

15. Are you usually critical of what you see when you look in the mirror? Are you seldom, if ever, satisfied with the way you look?

16. Are you self-conscious or embarrassed about the way you look?

17. Do you have an eating disorder—compulsive overeating, bingeing and purging, frequent dieting or starvation, or anorexia?

18. Do you need to drink alcohol or take other substances in order to feel comfortable or less self-conscious in social situations?

19. Do you fail to take very good care of yourself through poor diet, not enough sleep, or too little or too much exercise?

20. Do you tend to be self-destructive by smoking, abusing alcohol or drugs, or speeding?

21. Have you ever deliberately hurt yourself, that is, cut yourself?

If you answered yes to more than five of these questions, you need the special help this book provides in order to raise your self-esteem, quiet your inner critic, heal your shame, and begin to find real joy and satisfaction in your achievements and accomplishments.

Even if you only answered yes to one of these questions, this book can help you because it isn’t natural or healthy to experience any of those feelings. You were born with an inherent sense of goodness, strength, and wisdom that you should be able to call upon in moments of self-doubt. Unfortunately, you may have lost touch with this inner sense because of the way you were raised and by the messages you received to the contrary.

Self-Esteem Defined

Let’s start by defining self-esteem and differentiating it from self-image and self-concept. Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself as a person—your overall judgment of yourself. Your self-esteem may be high or low, depending on how much you like or approve of yourself. If you have high self-esteem, you have an appreciation of the full extent of your personality. This means that you accept yourself for who you are, with both your good qualities and your so-called bad ones. It can be assumed that you have self-respect, self-love, and feelings of self-worth. You don’t need to impress others because you already know you have value. If you are unsure whether you have high self-esteem, ask yourself: “Do I believe that I am lovable?” “Do I believe I am worthwhile?”

Our feelings of self-worth form the core of our personality. Nothing is as important to our psychological well-being. The level of our self-esteem affects virtually every aspect of our lives. It affects how we perceive ourselves and how others perceive us, and how they subsequently treat us. It affects our choices in life, from our careers to whom we befriend or get involved with romantically. It influences how we get along with others and how productive we are, as well as how much use we make of our aptitudes and abilities. It affects our ability to take action when things need to be changed and our ability to be creative. It affects our stability, and it even affects whether we tend to be followers or leaders. It only stands to reason that the level of our self-esteem, the way we feel about ourselves in general, would also affect our ability to form intimate relationships.

Many people use the words self-esteem and self-concept interchangeably, but these terms actually have different meanings. Our self-concept, or self-image, is the set of beliefs or images we have about ourselves. Our self-esteem is the measure of how much we like and approve of our self-concept. Another way of thinking about it is that self-esteem is how much respect you have for yourself, while self-image is how you see yourself. Still another way of differentiating between self-esteem and self-image is to think of self-esteem as something you give to yourself (that’s why it is called self-esteem) and self-image is usually based on how you imagine others perceive you.

Our self-image is made up of a wide variety of images and beliefs. Some of these are self-evident and easily verifiable (for example, “I am a woman,” “I am a therapist”). But there are also other, less tangible aspects of the self (for example, “I am intelligent,” “I am competent”).

Many of the ideas we have about ourselves were acquired in childhood from two sources: how others treated us and what others told us about ourselves. How others defined us has thus become how we now perceive ourselves. Your self-image—who you think you are—is a package that you have put together from how others have seen and treated you, and from the conclusions you drew in comparing yourself to others.

The Real Cause of Your Low Self-Esteem or Negative Self-Image

The primary cause of your low self-esteem or negative self-image probably goes back to your childhood. No matter what has happened to you in your life, your parents (or the people who raised you) have the most significant influence on how you feel about yourself. Negative parental behavior and messages can have a profound effect on our self-image and self-esteem. This is especially true of survivors of emotional abuse, neglect, or smothering as a child.

Inadequate, unhealthy parenting can affect the formation of a child’s identity, self-concept, and level of self-esteem. Research clearly shows that the single most important factor in determining the amount of self-esteem a child starts out with is his or her parents’ style of child-rearing during the first three or four years of the child’s life.

When parents are loving, encouraging, and fair-minded, and provide proper discipline and set appropriate limits, the children they shape end up being self-confident, self-monitoring, and self-actualized. But when parents are neglectful, critical, and unfair, and provide harsh discipline and inappropriate limits, the children they shape are insecure and self-critical, and they suffer from low self-esteem.

When I first met Matthew I was struck by his dark good looks. He resembled a younger, taller, more exotic-looking Tom Cruise, with his chiseled features, his large, dark, almond-shaped eyes, and his straight dark hair. Because he was so strikingly good-looking I expected him to speak to me with confidence, but instead he spoke in a reticent, almost apologetic way. As he explained to me why he had come to therapy, I discovered that he felt extremely insecure. Although he was an intelligent, talented, attractive young man, he was tormented with self-doubt and was extremely critical of himself. Why would a young man with so much going for him feel so badly about himself?

As Matthew told me the story of his life, I discovered his father was never pleased with him. No matter what Matthew did, it was never enough. He told me about a time when he got on the honor roll in school and was excited to tell his father about it. Instead of congratulating Matthew and being proud of him, his father told him that since school was so easy for him he needed to get a job after school. So Matthew did as his father suggested. But this didn’t seem to please him, either. Instead, his father complained that he wasn’t helping out enough with yard work and that he needed to quit his job. “You’re just working so you can make money to waste on girls,” his father criticized, somehow not remembering that he had been the one to pressure Matthew into getting a job in the first place. Matthew had an interest in music and was a very talented piano player. But his father wasn’t happy about his taking lessons. “You’re already too effeminate,” he scoffed. “Why don’t you go out for sports like I did in school?” When Matthew followed his father’s advice and tried out for the track team, his father complained, “It just doesn’t have the same prestige as playing football or basketball. Why don’t you try out for one of those teams?”

Because his father was never proud of him and never acknowledged his accomplishments, Matthew became very hard on himself. He became very self-critical; no matter what he accomplished he found something wrong with it. If someone did try to compliment him, he pushed their praise away with statements such as “Oh, anyone could have done that,” or “Yeah, but you should have seen how I messed up yesterday.”

By not acknowledging Matthew and by never being pleased, Matthew’s father had caused him to be self-conscious and fearful. Many parents undermine their children’s self-esteem and create in them a sort of “self anxiety” by treating them in any or all of the following ways: with a lack of warmth and affection, acknowledgment, respect, or admiration, as well as with unreasonable expectations, domination, indifference, belittling, isolation, or unfair or unequal treatment.

“Inner Critic” Defined

Having a strong inner critic is another factor in creating low self-esteem, and it usually goes hand in hand with low self-esteem. Your inner critic is formed through the normal socialization process that every child experiences. Parents teach their children which behaviors are acceptable and which are unacceptable, dangerous, or morally wrong. Most parents do this by praising the former and discouraging the latter. Children know (either consciously or unconsciously) that their parents are the source of all physical and emotional nourishment, so parental approval feels like a matter of life or death to them. Therefore, when they are scolded or spanked they feel the withdrawal of parental approval very acutely because it carries with it the horrible risk of losing all support.

All children retain conscious and unconscious memories of those times when they felt wrong or bad because of the loss of their parents’ approval. This is where the inner critic gets his start. (I use “he” when referring to the inner critic because many people, including women, think of their inner critic as being male. Feel free to substitute “she” if it feels more appropriate for you.) Even as an adult there is still a part of you that believes you are “bad” whenever someone gets angry with you or when you make a mistake.

Your inner critic’s voice is the voice of a disapproving parent—the punishing, forbidding voice that shaped your behavior as a child. If your early experiences were mild and appropriate, your adult critic may only rarely attack, but if you were given very strong messages about your “badness” or “wrongness” as a child, your adult critic will attack you frequently and fiercely.

Emotional Abuse and Neglect Defined

Abuse is a very emotionally powerful word. It usually implies intent or even malice on the part of the abuser. But parents who emotionally abuse or neglect their children seldom do so intentionally. Most are simply repeating the way they were treated as a child—doing to their children what was done to them. Many do not realize that the way they are treating their children is harmful to them; few do so out of malice—an intentional desire to hurt their children.

Low self-esteem is not usually instilled in children through conscious or deliberate efforts on the part of the parents. Typically, parents of children with low self-esteem had low self-esteem themselves. And those parents who emotionally abuse, neglect, or smother their children usually do not recognize the tremendous power they have in shaping their children’s sense of self.

We need to be very specific when we use the words emotional abuse. Emotional abuse of a child is a pattern of behavior—meaning that it occurs on a continuous basis, over time. Occasional negative attitudes or actions are not considered emotional abuse. Even the best of parents have occasions when they have momentarily lost control and said hurtful things to their children, failed to give them the attention they wanted, or unintentionally scared them by their actions. Every parent undoubtedly treats their children in some of these ways from time to time, but emotionally abusive parents regularly treat their children in some or all of these ways.

Emotional abuse of a child is a pattern of behavior that attacks a child’s emotional development and sense of self-worth. Because emotional abuse affects a child’s sense of self, the victim comes to view himself or herself as unworthy of love and affection. Emotional abuse includes both acts and omissions by parents or caretakers, and it can cause serious behavioral, cognitive, emotional, or mental disorders in a child. This form of maltreatment includes:

• Verbal abuse (including constant criticism, ridiculing, blaming, belittling, insulting, rejecting, and inappropriate teasing)

• Placing excessive or unreasonable demands on a child that are beyond his or her capabilities

• Being overly controlling

• Emotionally smothering a child (including being overprotective or unwilling to allow the child to create a separate life from her parents)

• Rejecting or emotionally abandoning a child (including being cold and unresponsive and withholding love)

Neglect is an even more misunderstood word and can manifest itself physically and emotionally. Physical neglect includes failure on the part of a parent or primary caregiver to provide for the child’s basic physical needs (food, water, shelter, attention to hygiene) as well as his or her emotional, social, environmental, and medical needs. It also includes failure to provide adequate supervision.

Emotional neglect includes failure to provide the nurturing and positive support necessary for a child’s emotional and psychological growth and development—providing little or no love, support, or guidance. This includes inattention to a child’s needs for acknowledgment, affection, and emotional support (being uninterested in a child’s feelings, activities, and problems).

The following questionnaire will further help you to understand emotional abuse and neglect and to determine whether you experienced them as a child.

QUESTIONNAIRE: WERE YOU EMOTIONALLY ABUSED, NEGLECTED, OR SMOTHERED AS A CHILD?

1. Was one or both of your parents overly critical of you? Were you frequently criticized for saying the wrong things or behaving in the wrong way? Did one or both of your parents often criticize the way you looked?

2. Was it impossible to please your parents? Did you get the impression that no matter what you did, your parents would never approve of you?

3. Were your parents perfectionists? Were you chastised or punished unless you did things in a certain way?

4. Did your parents tell you that you were bad, worthless, or stupid, or that you would never amount to anything? Did they call you insulting names?

5. Did your parents belittle you, make fun of you, or make you the object of malicious or sadistic jokes?

6. Did your parents ignore your physical needs, for example, failing to provide adequate clothing such as a warm coat in the winter, or not providing adequate medical care?

7. Did your parents force you to live in dangerous or unstable environments (such as exposure to domestic violence or parental conflict)?

8. Were your parents so preoccupied or busy with their own needs or problems that they didn’t take time to be with you?

9. Did your parents frequently leave you alone to fend for yourself? Were you deprived of physical nurturing (for example, being held or comforted when you were upset) or affection when you were a child?

10. Was one of both of your parents distant or aloof toward you as a child?

11. Did one or both of your parents have a drinking problem or an addiction to drugs or gambling, or any other addiction that caused one or both to neglect you?

12. Were you ever abandoned as a child (were you ever sent away to live with someone else as a punishment or because a parent was sick or could not take care of you)?

13. Was one or both of your parents overly protective of you or overly fearful that harm would come to you (for example, not allowing you to participate in sports or normal childhood activities for fear of your getting hurt)?

14. Did one or both of your parents isolate you from others or refuse to allow you to have friends over or to go over to other children’s homes?

15. Was one or both of your parents overly possessive of you (that is, did he or she appear jealous if you paid attention to anyone else or if you had a friend or romantic partner)?

16. Did one or both parents treat you as a confidante or seek emotional comfort from you? Did you often feel as if you were the parent and your parents were the children?

These questions describe various forms of emotional abuse and neglect. If you answered yes to any of questions 1 through 5, you were emotionally abused through verbal abuse or unreasonable expectations. If you answered yes to any of questions 6 through 12, you were neglected or abandoned as a child. If you answered yes to any of questions 13 through 16, you suffered from emotional smothering or emotional incest.

Psychological Maltreatment

Although most emotional abuse and neglect is unintentional on a parent’s part, sometimes parents deliberately inflict harm on their children in these ways. Psychological maltreatment is a term used by professionals to describe a concerted attack by an adult on a child’s development of self and social competence—a pattern of psychically destructive behavior. Sometimes coming under the category of emotional abuse, there are five major behavioral forms:

• Rejecting—behaviors that communicate or constitute abandonment of the child, such as a refusal to show affection

• Isolating—preventing the child from participating in normal opportunities for social interaction

• Terrorizing—threatening the child with severe or sinister punishment, or deliberately developing a climate of fear or threat

• Ignoring—where the caregiver is psychologically unavailable to the child and fails to respond to the child’s behavior

• Corrupting—caregiver behavior that encourages the child to develop false social values that reinforce antisocial or deviant behavioral patterns such as aggression, criminal acts, or substance abuse

How Children Are Affected by Emotional Abuse and Neglect

The primary way that children are affected by emotional abuse and neglect is that their self-image becomes distorted, they lack a strong sense of self, they develop extremely low self-esteem, and their emotional development is thwarted. Emotional abuse and neglect create a distorted view of oneself as unacceptable, unlovable, or “less than” others. Emotional abuse, neglect, and smothering can also create self-hatred in a child. Many children who are emotionally abused or neglected exhibit extremes in either passivity or aggressiveness. Children who are constantly shamed, humiliated, terrorized, or rejected suffer at least as much as, if not more than, if they had been physically assaulted. Studies have found that neglect can be more damaging than outright abuse. A survey of maltreated children found that neglected children were the most anxious, inattentive, and apathetic, and that they often tended to be alternatively aggressive and withdrawn.

There are various reasons for this outcome. Neglect and abandonment communicate to a child that he or she is not worthy of love and care. Early emotional deprivation often produces babies who grow into anxious and insecure children who are slow to develop or who have low self-esteem. This is particularly true of babies who were given inadequate amounts of physical touch and holding. Researchers have found that the healthiest children are those who were frequently held and caressed by their parents. Children who were deprived of touch became what is called “touch avoidant.” By the age of six, these children would refuse nurturing touch.

Emotional abuse often includes communicating to a child, either verbally or nonverbally, that he or she is unlovable, ugly, stupid, or wicked. Both neglect and emotional abuse can cause children to search within themselves for the faults that merit their parents’ bad treatment. Such internalized rejection can take a heavy toll on a child’s developing self, leading to poor self-image and low self-esteem. Children who are shown little empathy and given little praise and acceptance often exhibit not only poor self-esteem but also self-destructive behavior, apathy, and depression. Children who experience a chaotic environment with little security and safety tend to exhibit anxiety, fear, and night terrors. If they are threatened with the withdrawal of love from their parents or primary caretakers, they often experience severe anxiety, excessive fear, and dependency.

A literature review of the effects of emotional abuse on children conducted by Marti Tamm Loring, author of Emotional Abuse, revealed the following:

Those who internalize the abuse become depressed, suicidal, and withdrawn. They manifest self-destructiveness, depression, suicidal thoughts, passivity, withdrawal (avoidance of social contacts), shyness, and a low degree of communication with others. They are likely to have low self-esteem and may suffer from feelings of guilt and remorse, depression, loneliness, rejection, and resignation. Perceiving themselves as unworthy and the world as a hostile place in which they are bound to fail, many are unwilling to try new tasks or develop new skills.

People who externalize the abuse frequently become anxious, aggressive, and hostile, may suffer from constant fear, and are always ready to “hit back.” As Louise M. Wisechild, the author of The Mother I Carry, a wonderful memoir about healing from emotional abuse, so eloquently wrote:

Emotional abuse is like water dripping every day on a stone, leaving a depression, eroding the personality by an unrelenting accumulation of incidents that humiliate or ridicule or dismiss. Emotional abuse is air and piercing vibration. Emotional abuse can feel physical even though no hand has been raised. The perpetrator may seem fragile and pathetic but still be vicious. Childhood emotional abuse can define us when we are young, debilitate us as we grow older, and spread like a virus as we take its phrases and turn them on others.

Note that emotional abuse is typically associated with and a result of other types of abuse and neglect. Emotional abuse is the core of all forms of abuse, and the long-term effects of child abuse and neglect generally stem from the emotional aspects of abuse.

The Role of Shame in Creating Low Self-Esteem and Perfectionism

Shame is a feeling deep within us of being exposed and unworthy. When we feel shamed we want to hide. We hang our heads, stoop our shoulders, and curve inward as if trying to make ourselves invisible. Emotional abuse and neglect are very shaming experiences, and those who are victimized in any way feel humiliated and degraded by the experience. In addition, most children blame themselves for the way their parents treated them, feeling that somehow they deserved to be treated in such a way and thinking, “If I’d only minded my mother, she wouldn’t have belittled and yelled at me in front of my friends.” This is an attempt to regain some sense of power and control. To blame oneself and assume one could have done better or could have prevented an incident is more tolerable than to face the reality of utter helplessness.

Children raised by parents who frequently scolded, criticized, or spanked them whenever they did the slightest thing wrong end up feeling that their very being is wrong—not just their actions. Some people fight against shame by striving for perfection. This is a way of compensating for an underlying sense of defectiveness. The reasoning (although subconscious) goes like this: “If I can become perfect, I’ll never be shamed again.” This quest for perfection is, of course, doomed to fail. Since the person suffering shame already feels inherently not good enough, nothing he or she does will ever be perceived as good enough. Therefore, continuing to expect perfection in yourself will cause you to constantly be disappointed and constantly damage your self-esteem.

How Emotional Abuse and Neglect Affect Your Sense of Self

I’ve used lots of words so far to identify different aspects of the self, such as self-image, self-concept, and self-esteem, but as yet I haven’t defined the concept of self. There are many definitions, but for our purposes we’ll define it as your inner core. It is the sense you have of yourself as a separate person—the sense of where your needs and feelings leave off and others’ begin.

There is another “self” phrase that needs defining: sense of self. This is your internal awareness of who you are and how you fit into the world. The ideal is what is referred to as “a coherent sense of self,” which is having an internal feeling of solidarity. You experience yourself as a person who has a place in the world, who has a right to express yourself, and who has the power to affect and participate in what happens to you. Unfortunately, people who were emotionally abused or neglected in childhood possess a sense of self that is often characterized by feelings that are anything but empowering. Instead, they feel helpless, ashamed, enraged, terrified, and guilty, leading to feelings of insecurity.

We are not necessarily in touch with our sense of self until something happens to make us pay attention to it. If someone dismisses your accomplishments or rejects you, your focus will turn inward. You will begin to question whether you are worthy or love-able. The reverse can also be true. If someone compliments you, you might turn inward to congratulate yourself. Being self-conscious means that for whatever reason, you have become preoccupied with how you are doing or how you are coming across to other people. This self-evaluation can become obsessive and can cause you either to feel inhibited in the company of others or to put on a show for them. Either way, self-consciousness interferes with your ability to be your authentic self.