Communication Excellence E-Book

Ian R McLaren

• Herausgeber: Crown House Publishing
• Kategorie: Geisteswissenschaft
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 313

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 1999

Beschreibung

This ten-lesson course will transform you into an excellent communicator. Providing invaluable training in key NLP-based methods, it will increase your ability to: manage; market; sell; influence; inspire; innovate. " ... a wealth of good ideas ..." Judith E. Pearson PhD, Psychotherapist and Certifi ed NLP Trainer/Practitioner

Leseprobe

Communication Excellence

Using NLP To Supercharge Your Business Skills

Ian R. McLaren

Dedication

To Marjorie Elizabeth McLaren, 1916–1999, who made me write.

Table of Contents

Title Page

Dedication

Acknowledgements

Foreword

Introduction

Day One: Understanding Yourself

Communicating

Exercise 1.1: Your Communication Issues

Pacing Yourself

Exercise 1.2: Pacing Yourself

Doing, Thinking and Feeling

Handout 1.1: Mercedes Model

Exercise 1.3: Analysing Your Issue

Perceiving

Handout 1.2: The Meta-Mirror Exercise

Exercise 1.4: Seeing the Other Side

Time and Space

Exercise 1.5: Time Lines

Setting Objectives

Exercise 1.6: Your Outcomes

Day Two: Making Their Moves

Communicating

Rapport

Matching

Handout 2.1: The Sales Experience

Exercise 2.1: Noticing Others

Exercise 2.2: Physiological Matching

Exercises 2.3: Mismatching – Words, the Body, the Voice

Calibrating

Exercise 2.4: Visual Calibration

Exercise 2.5: Auditory Calibration

Exercise 2.6: Coin Dropping

Day Three: Hearing Their Words

The Structure of Learning

Congruence

Exercise 3.1: Using the Right Words

Verbal Predicates

Handout 3.1: Examples of Verbal Predicates

Exercise 3.2: Finding Your Lead System

Exercise 3.3: Matching Verbal Predicates

Clean Language

Exercise 3.4: Getting a Description

Presuppositions

Exercise 3.5: Tracking Presuppositions

Day Four: Valuing Their Emotions

Internal States

Exercise 4.1: Getting in a State

Exercise 4.2: State Elicitation

Exercise 4.3: Learning State

Matching States

Exercise 4.4: Calibrating States

Exercise 4.5: State of Curiosity and Wonder

Exercise 4.6: Trying on a State

Anchoring

Exercise 4.7: Circle of Excellence

Hierarchy of Values

Exercise 4.8: Work Values

Exercise 4.9: Ranking Values

Day Five: Patterns of Behaviour

Pacing Behaviour

Exercise 5.1: Eye-Accessing Cues

Worksheet 5.1: Eye Movements

Diagram 5.1: Eye-Accessing Patterns

Diagram 5.2: Eye Movements

Exercise 5.2: Looking for Information

Skills

Exercise 5.3: Buying Strategy

Habits

Exercise 5.4: Satisfying Your Purpose

Day Six: Structures of Language

Deletion, Generalisation and Distortion

Exercise 6.1: Chinese Whispers

Exercise 6.2: Memories

Exercise 6.3: Mimes

Handout 6.1: Basic Fractal Language Model

Language Models

Exercise 6.4: Coaching

Beliefs

Exercise 6.5: Noticing Beliefs

Day Seven: Sets of Values

Beliefs and Values

Internal States

Worksheet 7.1: Semantic Density

Exercise 7.1: Words that Change States

Processing Preferences

Exercise 7.2: Preferences for Detail

Pacing States

Exercise 7.3: Pacing Values

Worksheet 7.2: Values

Exercise 7.4: Playing a Role

Exercise 7.5: Money Values

Exercise 7.6: Trying on Values

Day Eight: Directing Behaviour

Doing It Better

Exercise 8.1: Behavioural Outcomes

Worksheet 8.1: Changing Behaviours

Adding Creativity

Exercise 8.2: Creating New Options

Worksheet 8.2: Disney Creativity Pattern

Leading Skills

Exercise 8.3: Deciding on a Lead

Exercise 8.4: Being a Coach

Directing Effort

Exercise 8.5: Believing You Can Do It Better

Influencing Activity

Exercise 8.6: Using Higher Values

Leading Conversations

Exercise 8.7: Directive Language

Day Nine: Imparting Information

Changing Beliefs

Worksheet 9.1: Changing Thoughts and Beliefs

Exercise 9.1: Cognitive Outcomes

Effective Teaching

Exercise 9.2: Discovering the Limiting Beliefs

Suggesting Alternatives

Worksheet 9.2: Positive Outcomes

Exercise 9.3: Contextual Reframing

Exercise 9.4: Verbal Reframes

Adding Values

Exercise 9.5: Valuing Your Beliefs

Day Ten: Boosting Feelings

Leading Values

Exercise 10.1: Emotional Outcomes

Worksheet 10.1: Changing States and Values

Training Moods

Exercise 10.2: Ideal States

Providing Motives

Exercise 10.3: Reframing Beliefs

Giving Inspiration

Exercise 10.4: Inspiring Values

Exercise 10.5: Propulsion Systems

Excellent Communicating

For the Future

Annotated Bibliography

Copyright

Acknowledgements

I have had many mentors in NLP. Phillip Brew and Nichola Farnum were the first. They gave me my first experience and taught me the basics. John McWhirter has always been an inspiration, particularly for his work on NLP models. He and Will MacDonald took me through Practitioner and Master Practitioner. I learned more conventional NLP from Frank Bentley and Peter McNab, who pushed me into understanding what a trainer is. And I have had insights through the books, videos and workshops of many other practitioners and trainers, especially the founders of NLP, Richard Bandler and John Grinder.

I would also like to thank the voluntary workers of the NLP Community, especially the Association for NLP (contact Gordon Lorraine on 0870 787 1978 or call up the website on www.anlp.org for more information on ANLP) and the Committee of the Central London NLP Practice Group (www.nlpgroup.freeserve.co.uk).

Foreword

Why are some people more effective at communicating than others? We all have pretty much the same ability to see and hear what is going on in the world around us. The main difference seems to be in what we do with this experience.

In NLP we emphasise the importance of adding or creating choice. Choice, though, is more complex than often realised. I find it useful to distinguish between three levels of choice. The first is choosing between alternatives, a simple example being the different alternatives on a menu. Choosing in this instance is from a variety of the same type of thing. The second is choosing the range of alternatives; this creates options. For example the particular restaurant and menu can be one of a number of options. The third is choosing the range of options; this creates the main choices. At this level one is selecting to go for a meal from a range of other choices such as going to the theatre, movies, staying at home.

It is important to me that people learn to learn and that they learn to be in charge of their own learning. This is only possible if all three levels of choice are available. Too often we are limited to doing more of the same. We can easily have the illusion of acquiring new choices when all we have is only an increase in alternatives. Many business models operate like this. Only with more understanding of the underlying processes can more options and choices be created. This book offers a range of skills and models that when practised will give you a full range of increased alternatives, relevant options and new and exciting choices for effective communication. How you use them will determine how effective you will be with them.

Communication excellence is a mixture of three levels of excellence. The first is to be clever in the selection of the best and most effective alternatives. The temptation to be clever is itself a potential trap. The avoidance of this trap is through the next level of excellence, the intelligent creation of choice from a wider set of options. The third and deepest level of excellence is to apply wisdom in the creation and selection of the basic choices themselves. All three of these levels are necessary.

The skills and models you will explore in this book are both clever and can, through the examples given, be more easily applied intelligently. It is in the hands of the reader to apply their own wisdom to the application. Ian has brought together many of the tried and tested NLP techniques and models. The format is innovative and a clever application of NLP in offering an opportunity to experience the exercises and descriptions from a number of perspectives. Formal training offers many things not possible in a book. Ian, however, goes a long way to overcome this with his novel format and thoughtful comments throughout. The obvious drawback of any book about communication is the lack of ‘live’ communication. Ian balances this by constantly introducing a variety of different responses through the dialogue between Ian’s character and the participants. Connecting the different responses to a larger business context is also useful in keeping the individual responses relevant and more easily connected to all levels of communication in business. The dialogues can also guide the reader to reflect their own responses to the exercises. This will help compensate for the lack of supervision and coaching that a workshop could provide.

One of the benefits of a book over formal training is the opportunity to explore at your own pace, allowing you to take the time you need to reflect and question. All too often learning skills in a workshop with people who are all committed to the skills being successful, can give the false impression that techniques always work and that everyone will respond the same. Communication excellence requires a unique response for each person, as each person is unique. This book is definitely not an over-simplistic ‘one model fits all’ approach. Through the creation of diverse participants in business training Ian is able to contrast examples of the variety of needs and responses. This reduces the likelihood of the reader being left with simplifications and thus makes it more likely that you will be able to achieve success with the skills in the real world.

This book will be a very practical experience and form the basis for continued learning. In writing this book Ian shows wisdom in not ‘hyping’ NLP, choosing instead to guide the reader to explore and test their own experience. This realistically opens up the variety of possible responses that make it more realistic and ‘human’ than many books on NLP. There is an intelligent coverage of the main NLP topics each related to a main area of communication. This, together with the clever format, makes for an excellent package for the beginner and intermediate student of NLP, as well as a useful addition for anyone interested in improving their communication.

The skills you will learn here can be a major addition to your communication excellence and a major enhancement to your quality of life. Use them wisely.

John McWhirter Certified Master Trainer of NLP

Introduction

How excellent is your communicating? Are you always understood fully at home, in the office, talking to a client? What have misunderstandings cost you? Have you lost affection, respect or a contract?

Let me tell you a story. A friend of mine, John, is happily married, with a management job in the City. Early last year, John had a bad day. It all started at breakfast time. Let’s hear from his son, Sam.

“I tried to tell Daddy but he wouldn’t listen. I had been picked to play for the football team for the first time on Saturday. It was important to me – I hoped he would come to watch. But every time I tried to tell him, he turned away and did something else. All he did was tell me to stop shouting. He doesn’t love me any more.”

John reached the office, and was discussing the day’s appointments with his secretary, Mary. Suddenly, there was another row. This is what she said:

“I had warned John to keep the afternoon free, because his boss, Mr Harold, had scheduled an appraisal interview. It was the only time Mr Harold had free that week. That morning, John told me that he had arranged to visit an important client in Birmingham. I asked him why he hadn’t asked if the afternoon was clear: he insisted that he had. He claimed I never kept him in touch. That’s my job and I do it well, so I got annoyed. It’s difficult to respect someone who acts like that.”

Later in the morning, he had a meeting with another client, Henry Jones. They were supposed to agree the details of an important contract between their firms. But the deal wasn’t done. Henry Jones put his side of the matter:

“I have dealt with John for some time, and it is always difficult to reach agreement with him. He knows that we need his services, and the contract is always fine in general terms. But there are always details that I need to get right, and he will never listen. He always thinks that the specific issues can be dealt with later. This time they couldn’t, and I told him so. He wouldn’t take me seriously, so I refused to sign the contract.”

Communicating with other people includes informing them, influencing them, selling to them, leading them and helping them. It also means hearing them, learning from them, loving and respecting them. How much more will you be able to achieve when you have found excellent ways of communicating?

We are all interested in communicating with other people – our family and friends, work colleagues, bosses and officials. We need to talk to them – in person or on the phone – write to them or address them in meetings.

As you read this book and carry out the exercises, you will find new ways to get through to other people, and consolidate your existing skills. We will consider both general principles and detailed techniques such as building rapport and changing beliefs.

Communication excellence is about connecting with other people, finding out their point of view, and convincing them to do something you want them to do. These activities we will call matching,pacing and leading. If you can set your outcomes, put yourself in the right state, believe in what you are doing and have the skills at your fingertips, you will improve your dealings with anyone you come across.

We will be looking at examples at home, at work and at leisure. You may want a clearer insight into your own actions, beliefs and values, or to know more about others. You may want to sell to others or buy from them, teach or understand, attract them or push them away.

We will be approaching new material in small chunks, as well as considering the wider applications. That means that you will be able to build up your understanding in steps that suit you. Don’t forget that we all communicate when we are with anyone else, so we have all had years of practice. What this book does is to make you aware of what you are doing, and consider how you might do it more effectively.

Techniques of this type are often called manipulative, implying that they are unethical. Manipulation – teaching, selling or inspiring – is one purpose of communication. What you do with it must fit in with your own ethics and conscience – nothing in this book will encourage you to change them for the worse.

You will, no doubt, have some questions. Let’s start with something fairly obvious. Why should you learn more about communicating? There is a common belief that we can always learn more about any subject. By learning more, we can do it better. And we can feel better about knowing more and using new skills. Just take a moment to consider those occasions in the past when you could have communicated better. You might have said something that upset your partner or a friend. Remember the times when you missed a sale or some other advantage by misunderstanding the other person. Think of times when you failed to get your point across clearly. Now look forward to being able to handle those situations with skill and enjoyment.

Let’s go back and find out how John coped with the results of his bad day. The first thing he had to sort out was the contract with Henry Jones. John finally realised that when you are leading someone to do something that is important to you, like signing a valuable contract, you have to tell your client what he wants to hear. If it is important for that person, it must also be important for you. John didn’t have to concede anything important from a financial or business standpoint. He did have to acknowledge that he was wrong and his client was right.

So how did he work to regain the respect of his secretary, Mary? What she wanted was to pass on the information that she had. John needed to pace her. Once they had calmed down, they quickly agreed a new system for keeping each other aware of important information, with written backup in case either of them should forget what they had been told. As John began to acknowledge Mary’s skills, her respect for him was rebuilt.

John went to the football match on Saturday, but he was aware that his son wasn’t happy. Sam kept saying that his father didn’t love him because he wouldn’t listen. John was confused. He thought that he was a good listener. He could keep up with all the family gossip and read the newspaper at the same time. They could ask him questions about it. It was his wife who pointed out that people like to be matched. He needed to look at the person he was in conversation with, show he was following by using their tones and words, and look interested.

That was when John came to me to tell me this story, and to learn about rapport.

The book will give you a full list of instructions so that you can understand, learn and practise ways of improving your communicating. We shall learn about matching, and the techniques of rapport. You will find out about pacing to gather information about the other person. There will be examples of how to lead to where you both want to go. There will be plenty of exercises, and sources for much of the material, so that you can extend your learning.

The structure of the book is a ten-lesson course in communications held for the staff of a (fictitious) company, Whizzitts Ltd. We will work through examples of communicating from their working and private lives. To get the most out of the book, you should work though the techniques and exercises as they come up. Often, a skill that you learn in one chapter will be a necessary of another technique that is developed later. For example, the skills of outcome-setting, self-pacing and rapport are needed for any kind of communicating.

The book is organised to give you the chance to decide where you can use the techniques in your everyday life. We will point out some of the applications, and ask you to think about how else you will apply the skills that you have learned. There are also suggestions about further skills, and information and ways of acquiring it.

So what are you going to learn? The choice is yours. The book provides a context from which you can draw what you need. Let’s hear what a few of the course participants had to say about the experience. We’ll start with the views of Amanada Prescott.

“As soon as we started the course, we could see what we were doing wrong. A lot of what we did was inappropriate to the people we were with, and the situation. We weren’t looking at the person to match them or find out about what was going on for them. We weren’t watching where they were going, so we missed the chance to grab their attention. As we learned more, I became much more aware of what was going on, and could change what I was doing to match, pace and lead my partners. You can’t really lead people until you can see what they are doing and be clear about what you want them to do. That’s my contribution.”

Now we’ll let PS Scarlet tell his story.

“I must say that at the beginning of the process I didn’t really believe that talking about communicating would get us very far. Then I heard how the language that we use affects others – what they hear and how much they miss. We all represent the world differently and have different preconceptions and presuppositions about it. I learned a lot about how to use words that people will understand, and how to get my language to sound right. If we are going to teach, the information we give has to fit with the knowledge and understanding that the person already has.”

Vanessa Greenage will give us her feelings on the course.

“It’s very important to me how I feel, and I now know that the same is true for everyone else. The emotional content of what they communicate may not fit in with our normal pattern. We need to make adjustments. If we want to encourage and inspire others, we have to find out about their values and triggers before we can suggest things that will fit in with them.”

We can know what we want: we can only guess what others want. If we are going to direct, teach, sell to, inspire and encourage others we have to refine our model of their world and present our material in the light of it. I asked our participants what is important to them about communicating well. This is a list of their answers. They are all right, and all necessary.

“Being aware of their state and emotions”

“Getting your mood right, then getting their mood right”

“Respecting their values in what you say”

“Using their language”

“Finding out their presuppositions and beliefs”

“Fitting your new information into what they already know”

“Matching their physiology”

“Calibrating what their posture, expression and movements mean”

“Directing them with your whole body”

The tools in the book are drawn from the results of work in psychology and linguistics. They come from the science of subjective experience called Neuro-Linguistic Programming or NLP. This originated in the 1970s as a way of studying therapists, and is now being widely applied in business, particularly to improve interpersonal communication.

I think that it’s about time to meet the course participants:

The course presenter is Ian McLaren. That’s him in the bright red shirt, trying to get the whiteboard pens to work. He is a registered INLPTA Trainer of Neuro-Linguistic Programming. His background is in financial and general management. After qualifying with a BSc in Economics and Accounting and an MSc in Operational Research from the University of Hull, he became an Investment Manager. As Investment Controller and Planner with the Canada Life Assurance Company, he worked in London, New York and Toronto, gaining a wide range of senior management experience. In the 1990s, he has been a finance director, consultant, author, business coach and trainer.

The representatives of Whizzitts Ltd are:

The Chairman, Sir John Sapphire-Smith is tall and distinguished. He is in his early sixties, and smartly dressed as if for a business meeting. He is slightly distant in manner, but contributes freely to the discussions.

Prudence Plum is the Managing Director. She is busy and slightly harassed-looking. Prudence is quite tall, but tries to look inconspicuous. She favours formal suits in autumnal colours.

PS John Ruth Harry Stephen Paul Amanada Ian Prudence Sir John Apricot Vanessa

Group Photograph: The Whizzitt’s Team

The Marketing Director is Apricot Peach. In contrast to her managing director, she is young, active and brightly and fashionably dressed. Tall, slim, and tanned, she is always confidently at the centre of things.

Whizzitts have an American Sales Director, PS (Pius Sears) Scarlet. Tall and sharply dressed, he radiates friendliness and bonhomie. His favourite pastime is talking.

Stephen Navy runs the production operations. He was a rugby player for his college and county, and looms large and square in his customary sports shirt and blue blazer. Competence, rather than brilliance, is his forte.

The Human Resources chief is Vanessa Greenage. She is middle-aged, middle size and tends to dress in tweeds and knitwear. Her role seems to be agony aunt.

Amanada Prescott, who comes from the West Indies, is in her early twenties. She runs the sales office. She also helps out with her boyfriend’s independent record company and sings with a band, which is trying to break into the big time.

Legal executive Harry Smith is normally casually dressed. He often complains about not being allowed to smoke in the sessions.

John Robinson is a computer programmer. He is also casually dressed and tends to remain in the background.

Paul Pointer is a sales engineer. He is in his early thirties and likes smart clothes.

Secretary Ruth Rutherford looks after a young daughter. She needs some drawing out before she will contribute.

You can sit where you like in the group, and join in with all the exercises. The more that you practise, the more you will learn.

So what next? Once you are more aware of your outcomes, you will find yourself getting on better with other people, making stronger relationships, selling yourself and your products and services. You can then think back to the difference that it has made to develop and practise all those new and extended skills. And you’ll be able to think how else you can use the techniques you have learned…

Day One: Understanding Yourself

Welcome to the first day of this course, everyone. Special thanks to the management of Whizzitts Ltd, who have allowed us to share in this course, and for agreeing that we can use some examples from their firm as illustrations. This course will include a series of suggestions and exercises using a number of tools to help you improve how you talk, listen or write to other people. At the end of each day, I want to leave you with some ideas and some things to practise as you go about your normal life at work, at home or at leisure.

This is what we are going to cover in this lesson:

•Communicating

Communicating is what we say to people, how we say it and how we listen, why it is we are talking to them. From a company’s point of view, the messages that we are putting out to staff, customers, financiers and the world, and the feedback we read or hear, is all part of corporate communication.

•Pacing Yourself

As we shall learn, the state you are in has a very powerful effect on the way that you think and believe. We shall learn a way of finding calm and concentration that can be useful when starting conversations.

•Doing, Thinking and Feeling

Just consider what happens when you are talking to someone. You are doing things – speaking, gesturing, listening, sitting or standing. You are thinking of things – what the other person is saying, what you are going to say, and possibly how to get away for your next appointment. You are also feeling things – nervous about making the sale, angry because you are not being understood, happy about the news the other person is bringing you or wondering what will happen next. Technically, we can talk about ExternalBehaviour – what we are doing, how someone is standing, their expression, voice tones and actions. We will look at Internal Process – how we think, believe, know and process information, and how we use language. You should also consider Internal State – how you feel, what you value, people’s emotions, criteria and attitudes. We also need to be aware of the Environment – the place, time and conditions in which or about which a conversation is taking place: who else is there and what else is going on. Each of these can affect the course and the outcome of a conversation.

•Perceiving

We don’t know ‘the truth’; we only know what we can perceive. We automatically fill in the gaps by guessing, extrapolating and reading between the lines. You can do this consciously to give yourself new insights by stepping into other people’s shoes. We will demonstrate and learn a formal way of doing this called the Meta-Mirror.

•Time and Space

Humans usually represent time in the form of pictures that seem to be located in space. We will find out how you see the past and the future in your Time Lines.

•Setting Objectives

We all have a number of things that we want or intend to do. Some of them get done, many do not. The process of setting a Well-Formed Outcome will allow you to decide what your Positive and Measurable outcome is. Achieving it will depend on whether you have the Resources (time, money, skills, etc.) and Control (can you do it all yourself?), and whether you judge the Consequences to be acceptable. Then you can Plan and Timetable achieving it.

Communicating

We all communicate, and do it much of the time. You are in touch with yourself and with other people. It happens at work, at home, and in your social life. And sometimes we are unhappy with the results, whether we are trying to lead, teach or inspire; to sell some goods or ideas or to motivate. Good communicating has a strategy behind it, whether we are writing an article for the staff magazine, talking to our partner or pushing for an answer from a customer.

Before we go into detail about communicating, let’s hear about some typical situations, and what might be improved. Sir John, would you like to give us an overview of Whizzitts Ltd?

“Thank you. My name is Sir John Sapphire-Smith. I am a main board director of Amalgamated Conglomerate Holdings plc. We set up Whizzitts Ltd about ten years ago, when the market for smaller electric whizzers first took off. For most of that time we have been number two in the market, which has grown tenfold since we started. Now, cheap Far Eastern producers are about to enter the market. This will drive down our margins unless we can restructure the way we operate. Basically we have two choices. We could transfer all our whizzer production to cheaper sites, and just deal with sales and service in the UK. Or we could cut our production costs here, switch as far as possible to the highest-value lines, and rely on having better design and features. As Chairman of the company, I am finally responsible for that choice, and for making sure that the management and other structures are in place to implement it.”

So here we have communicating on the macro-scale. Sir John has to find out what is best for the whole company to do, and then get everyone in the company to work to implement that plan. And the communicating won’t just be inside Whizzitts Ltd – he may have to deal with overseas contractors, outside suppliers, customers and the board of the parent company.

Perhaps Apricot could give us some idea of what this means from inside the company?

“OK, I’m Apricot Peach, the Marketing Director of Whizzitts Ltd, one of the most successful companies that this country has ever produced. It’s my job to make sure that when people want a whizzer they think of buying the best-quality Whizzitts whizzer. All right, advert over. We have to think our way through the next few years, really believing in ourselves and in what we sell. We have to learn new skills, invent new products and teach the customers to need them. We’re all going to have to work long and hard to achieve the right results.”

Apricot is concerned with what people think, believe and know. Again, that involves outsiders – not only suppliers and customers, but also families, especially if the employees are going to be working longer hours.

Vanessa Greenage is the Human Resources Director of Whizzitts. Vanessa, could you tell us about the staff?

“Hello, I’m Vanessa. We’ve always been a close-knit team, and everyone is involved. Even though we have grown so fast – there are still less than a hundred of us in total – most of the actual manufacturing is done outside. My job is to influence the state of morale to make sure that we can all feel comfortable with whatever plan is decided on, and that no-one is left out in the cold. If we are properly motivated, I’m sure that we can be inspired to meet the demands of the new plan.”

Vanessa’s priorities are to make sure that people have the right feelings in the organisation. Change is difficult on an emotional level, and efficiency can be badly affected if the staff feel unhappy about what is going on.

We’ll find out what issues other people have during the course of the day – perhaps you would like to write some of your concerns down now. They may not be as large as those at Whizzitts Ltd, but we are all facing changes of one sort or another, which can cause stress with what we do, how we think or the way we feel. As we have seen, the main change may be at work, but it can affect all our relationships: with our bosses and staff, customers and suppliers, family and friends.

Yes, John?

“This may sound a small point, but I want to get my boss to give me a decent raise this year. Is this a communications issue?”

John has found a very useful topic to summarise the whole subject of communicating. Just think what you do in order to get a pay rise. Your prime aim is to get your boss to do something – to make sure you get more money coming in each month. You may also want to get them to believe something – that you are worth a higher salary, or that you will leave if you don’t get one. Or you may want the boss to feel that you are worth more, or that the business could not get on without you. And the way that you persuade the company of your value is also through communication. You might act – apply for another job, walk out or arrange a sit-in at reception. You might teach the management what you can contribute to the success of the firm. You might inspire them by your contribution to the business. But if you don’t communicate, you won’t achieve the rise.

Exercise 1.1: Your Communication Issues

Now, can you get a piece of paper and spend a few minutes writing down at least three of your own Communication Issues? We will keep coming back to these throughout the course.

In every communication, there is period of matching, when we find the best way of getting through to the other person. Then a period of pacing, when we find out what they are doing, how they understand the issue and what they feel about it. Finally, there is a period of leading, when we influence that person to change what they are doing, thinking or feeling. This process of matching, pacing and leading underlies NLP, which has been called the science of excellence in communication. NLP was first codified in America in the 1970s, although it includes many earlier ideas. We will be using NLP and similar techniques and exercises all through this course. There is a source list at the end of the book.

Pacing Yourself

Let’s start with our internal communicating. We are not going to get through to others very easily if we can’t listen to ourselves and have internal harmony. Perhaps you find that you are very agitated just before you meet people. Maybe you cannot give your attention to them because you are listening to the voices inside your head rather than to what they are saying. Or you are making lots of pictures of what might happen, so that the actual event gets confused.

Exercise 1.2: Pacing Yourself

The self-pacing exercise is very simple, and takes only a few seconds. You can use it to calm your thoughts and focus on your outcome for the meeting that is coming up. Just work through it a few times until you are comfortable to use it anywhere.

Start by getting up and moving around; shake out any stiffness. Now sit down again, with your back straight and head upright; both feet flat on the floor. Become aware of your breathing, and of the dialogue going on inside your head. Breath through your nose, if that is comfortable, and be aware of the temperature of the air – colder as you breathe in, warmer as you breathe out. Be aware of the room around you, but keep your focus on your breathing. Be aware that as your breathing slows, the activity in your head becomes less frenetic and more relaxed. Then you can take that sense of internal calm into your external communicating.

In future, use self-pacing whenever you need to be able to listen well. This calm state might be particularly useful before important business meetings, making sales or presentations. You might also want to use it if that next encounter with your partner or friend is likely to end in a row. You can think of some specific examples in your life. Just imagine yourself having done the self-pacing technique, and then having communicated so much more effectively with that important person. Yes, that was much better, wasn’t it?

Doing, Thinking and Feeling

Let’s test out your powers of memory and imagination. Remember a time when you were having a conversation with someone. It doesn’t matter where it was, when it happened or what you were talking about. Now, imagine you are having that conversation now.

OK, what did you notice? First of all, we will consider what you were doing. You were talking, listening, looking. Some of you will have been aware of the way you were standing or sitting, the wind or sun on your skin, the papers in your hand. Perhaps you were smoking or drinking; smiling or frowning; walking or driving.

Next, let’s see what you were thinking. Information was coming in and going out. You may have been analysing or pondering over it, or you might have been thinking about something completely different. Somewhere in your head, the ideas were being put into language, amounts calculated, knowledge accumulated. You might have talked about what you believed, or disagreed with the beliefs that you heard from the other person.

Then there was the way that you were feeling. Did you like or hate the other person? Were you elated or bored, excited or depressed? Could you tell what he or she was feeling? All sorts of things in the situation might have affected what you felt – were your values or criteria being violated? Did you share the same attitudes? Do you have the same type of personality?

Now consider the circumstances of the conversation. Think of where and when it happened, what went before it and what else was going on. Would the conversation have been the same if the situation