Dating After 50 For Dummies E-Book

Pepper Schwartz

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 553

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2014

Beschreibung

Meet, date, and start a relationship with Mr. or Ms. Right–after 50

Almost everyone associates falling in love with their younger years, but as the boomer generation ages, more and more people over 50 are jumping back into the dating scene for the first time (in a long time) and need advice and guidance on how the dating world (and ways to find a soul mate) have changed since they last tested the water.

Dating After 50 For Dummies covers the gamut of topics for those dating after 50: the physical and emotional benefits of sex and relationships as we age; dating confidence boosters; dating site options (and signing up for the first trial); safety concerns when dating; fun and different dating ideas; how to introduce a new partner to your children; and much more.

• Dating and relationship advice for baby boomers
• How to deal with medical issues that can make sex difficult
• Dating advice for gays and lesbians
• How to build self-esteem for dating after 50

If you're single and over 50, the trusted advice in Dating After 50 For Dummies gives you everything you need to get out there and meet the partner of your dreams.

Leseprobe

Dating After 50 For Dummies®

Published by: John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030-5774, www.wiley.com

Copyright © 2014 by AARP. All rights reserved. AARP is a registered trademark.

Published simultaneously in Canada

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Library of Congress Control Number: 2013952428

ISBN 978-1-118-44132-9 (pbk); ISBN 978-1-118-46094-8 (ebk); ISBN 978-1-118-46095-5 (ebk)

Manufactured in the United States of America

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Dating After 50 For Dummies®

Visit www.dummies.com/cheatsheet/datingafter50 to view this book's cheat sheet.

Table of Contents

Introduction

About This Book

Foolish Assumptions

Icons Used in This Book

Beyond the Book

Where to Go from Here

Part I: Getting Started with Dating After 50

Chapter 1: Jumping (Back) into the Dating Pool

Getting Real: How Do You Feel about Yourself?

Your psychological checklist

Your physical checklist

Looking in All the Right Places: Where to Find People

Events targeted at single people

Public places

Online dating

Parties

Hobby-related activities

Making Your Safety a Priority

Navigating First Dates and Beyond

Polishing your conversation skills

Being resilient

Holding on to a “keeper”

Moving into Tricky Territory: Sex and Intimacy

How long do we wait?

How do we talk about it?

What does sex say about the relationship?

What about monogamy?

What kinds of safety precautions are necessary?

Talking about embarrassing issues

Money These Days

Sharing costs

Weighing the considerations of a fixed income versus a working income

Special Dating Strategies for Gays, Lesbians, and Bisexuals over 50

Maintaining the Rest of Your Life while Dating

Chapter 2: Determining Whether You're Ready for a Relationship

Going Through the “Ready for Dating” Checklist

Developing an optimistic point of view

Letting go of a past relationship

Being open and willing to change

Checking your self-esteem and feeling worthy of love

Dealing with unsupportive children

Fielding advice from friends or family

Preparing Yourself to Date Again as a Widow or Widower

Healing with the help of grief counseling

Facing criticism from grieving children, family, or friends

Chapter 3: Figuring Out Who You're Looking For

Updating Your Dating Criteria

Recognizing that people change over time

Looking beyond a potential parent for your children

Letting go of the need to please your parents and friends

Updating your economic considerations

Thinking about health

Selecting Dates: Which Qualities Are Core? Which Are Optional?

Prioritizing with the rule of five

Holding firm on your deal breakers

Selecting substance: The five C's

Considering personal values and practices

Guarding Yourself against Dates in the Danger Zone

Narcissists

People with borderline personality disorder

Players (ludic lovers)

Money scammers

Chapter 4: Bringing Your Best Self to the Dating World

Pushing Past Mental Blocks That Leave You Feeling Insecure

Getting over the feeling of being too old

Concentrating on your current strengths

Moving on from a previous rejection that really hurt

Putting an abusive or demeaning relationship behind you

Rejecting the idea that no one is worthy of you

Feeling Good about the Way You Look

Changing the words you use to describe yourself

Accepting the flaws that everyone shares

Getting fit

Examining and Updating Your Wardrobe

Picking clothes that strengthen your personal brand

Five common fashion mistakes for men

Five common fashion mistakes for women

Polishing Your Social Skills

Part II: Where and How to Go Looking for Love

Chapter 5: Putting Yourself Out There

Getting Over Your Insecurity by Knowing How to Begin

Getting help from classes on how to date

Role-playing with a friend

Knowing Where to Find the Best Prospective Dates

Making connections through friends

Being open to help from acquaintances

Keeping an eye out in public spaces

Mining your hobbies and regular activities

Figuring Out How to Approach Someone

Making eye contact

Avoiding the lame pickup line

Taking care not to scare

Considering Online Dating

Chapter 6: The Online Dating Scene: Choosing, Learning, Winning

Why Go Online?

Discovering new networks

Getting more information upfront

Finding people you have things in common with

Meeting a lot of available people

Meeting quality people

Setting Your Online Expectations

Sidestepping common mistakes

Watching out for white lies and whoppers

Crafting Your Profile: How to Be Honest and Appealing

Putting some thought into your picture

Writing your profile

Showing what's truly important to you

Being specific about details of your experiences

Giving off an air of confidence and positive energy

What to Look for in a Date's Profile

Specific insights about what men say in their profiles

Specific insights about what women say in their profiles

Online Matching Systems: Do They Really Work?

Getting Help from a Wingman or Wingwoman

Giving advice on your picture and profile

Helping you pick potential dates

Protecting Yourself Both Online and Offline

Keeping your address private

Doing your due diligence

Sticking to paid sites

Setting up meetings during the day in a public place

Handling Communications and First Meetings with Online Dates

Starting with e-mails and phone calls

Prelude to a date: Meeting face to face over coffee

Online Dating Downers: What to Expect and How to Be Resilient

Your date is rude and obviously not interested

You have a great first date and the person disappears

Your date doesn't want to see you again

Chapter 7: Mastering the First Date

Setting the Stage: Where to Go and What to Do

Doing the dinner date

Going to the movies

Choosing something athletic or outdoorsy

Opting for a cultural event or performance

Keeping the Conversation Flowing on the First Date

Chatting about what you do and how you like it

Expressing your passions and other fun things your life includes

Staying away from some conversation topics

Sharing while keeping some of the mystery

Marketing yourself in a safe and winning way

Making sure you're a good listener

Encouraging Chemistry: How to Flirt

Picking Up the Check: Who Pays?

Sticking to tradition: He pays

Trying the new normal: Sharing costs

Chapter 8: Staying Safe While Playing the Field

Following General Safety Rules

Doing your due diligence

Knowing your comfort zone

Refusing to be isolated

Refraining from ever giving anyone money

Protecting against the dangers of alcohol

Watching out for mood swings

Worrying about jealousy and possessiveness

Outlining Special Safety Rules for Men

Avoiding sexually awkward situations

Protecting yourself against charges of sexual harassment

Spelling Out Safety Rules for Women

How to Say You're Not Interested in the Nicest of Ways

You're searching for “the one”

Things are getting too serious

Playing the friend card

Chapter 9: Keeping Things Fresh and New: Dating Ideas

Finding a Good Fit: What You Want to Know about Your Partner

Discussing What You'd Like to Do Together

Trying out the things your date likes best

Introducing things you usually do

Trying out things neither of you have done

Exploring New Dating Ideas

Taking a class together

Doing volunteer work

Getting sporty

Opting for relaxing, low-key dates

Taking advantage of free and low-cost activities

Adding a Dash of Romance

Part III: Where and How to Go Looking for Love

Chapter 10: Making Introductions to Loved Ones

Timing Is Everything

Bringing Your Date into Your World

Making introductions in the right order

Seeing how your date relates to your good friends

Getting your friend's honest take on your date

Observing and managing interactions between your date and your family

Asking to Meet Your Date's Family

Preparing to meet the family

Dealing with an unfriendly reception

Reacting if your date isn't ready for you to meet

Chapter 11: Let's Talk about Sex

Navigating Your Love Map to Chemistry Town

Identifying the components of your love map

Pinpointing the origins of your love map

Defining Your and Your Partner's Sexual Philosophy

Creating your sexual philosophy

Figuring out your partner's sexual philosophy

Negotiating a mutually satisfying sexual philosophy

Speaking of Monogamy . . .

When to have “the talk”

What it means if you can't agree

Chapter 12: Sex Together: Potential Issues of Middle Age and Beyon

Divulging the Top Five Male Concerns

Being desired

Making a move that is not offensive and is accepted

Pleasing his partner with his hands

Being able to give his partner an orgasm

Getting hard at the right time

Revealing the Top Five Female Concerns

Taking her clothes off and still being desired

Pleasing her partner

Getting aroused and having comfortable sex

Having an orgasm

Practicing safe sex

Ensuring a Comfortable and Safe “First Time”

Discussing having sex prior to your first time together

Rediscovering condoms

Explaining How You Want to Be Made Love To

Giving instructions

Focusing on the present for more passionate lovemaking

Remembering that it doesn't have to be all about intercourse

Surveying the Sexual Issues That Can Arise as You Age

Erectile dysfunction

Vaginal dryness and pain

Bad knees and bad backs

Medicines that lower or eliminate desire

Life-threatening diseases of the past or present

Adding Sex Toys to the Mix

Chapter 13: Considering Money Matters

Exploring Your Feelings about Money and Dating

Getting to the root of your thoughts on money

Considering new thoughts about who pays

Handling Money in the Early Stages

The first meeting

The first dates

Figuring Out Your Shared Financial Responsibility

Picking up on clues during initial conversations

Leading by example

Talking about it directly

Part IV: Addressing Special Situations

Chapter 14: Dealing with Medical Needs

Talking about Your Personal Health

Bringing up the discussion

Weighing potential health costs

Confronting a Personal Illness and How It Affects Your Relationship

Cancer

Heart conditions

Arthritis or osteoporosis

Diabetes

Other illnesses that affect your sex life

Taking Charge of Your Health and Your Date's Health

Eating better

Taking supplements

Exercising

Getting second opinions

Providing and receiving emotional support

Forging Ahead with Someone Who Has Physical Issues

Chapter 15: Staying Connected with Your Friends While Dating

Protecting Your Friendships

Making sure your friends feel important

Rewarding loyalty

Using friends as a sounding board

Considering the Truth and Value of Friends’ Opinions of Your Partner

Exploring valid reasons why your friends may reject your date

Recognizing unworthy reasons why your friends may reject your date

Maintaining Your Friendships while Dating

Scheduling some time, even if it's brief

Apologizing if you've been neglectful

Explaining your new relationship to your friends

Bringing your date and your friends together

Meeting your date's friends

Creating a new friendship circle together

Chapter 16: Unique Considerations for Gays and Lesbians

Meeting Potential Dates and Mates

Online dating sites

Gay organizations, events, and clubs

Mixed organizations and clubs

Same-sex bars

Dating Concerns for Gay Men Over 50

Physical appearance

Age preferences

HIV status

Emotional availability

Dating Concerns for Lesbians Over 50

Politics

Sexualities and sex preferences

Commitment

Who pays for what

Straight and bisexual women: Dates or disaster?

Discussing Monogamy Rather Than Assuming It

Introducing Your Date to Friends and Family

Part V: The Part of Tens

Chapter 17: Ten Common Dating Challenges to Overcome

You Have a Great Online Presence, but No One Responds

You Have Many Coffees but No Second Dates

You Have Great Chemistry with Someone Who Doesn't Want to See You Again

Someone Shares Something Unflattering about You with Your Date

A Date You Care about Lies about Something Major

A Date Acts like You're a Piece of Meat or a Meal Ticket

A Date Likes You but Still Wants Someone Younger

A Date You Like Is Dating Someone Else You Know

A Date Doesn't Want to Be Monogamous

A Date Is Crazy about You, but You Don't Feel the Same

Chapter 18: Ten Signs of a Solid and Wor thy Relationship

Your Date Is Always or Almost Always on Time

Your Date's Relationships with Family and Friends Are Warm and Intact

Your Date Tells You How Much You Mean to Him

Your Date Notices When You're Unhappy and Wants to Help

Your Date Doesn't Get Jealous

Your Date Thinks of Ways to Please You

Your Date Has Good Boundaries and You Respect Them

Your Date Has Active, Happy, Fulfilled Days

Your Date Is Generally in a Good Mood

Your Date Is Affectionate and Sexually Interested in You

Chapter 19: Ten Over-the-Top Dates Designed to Impress

Take to the Skies

Go Behind the Scenes at a Local Attraction

Arrange a Romantic Serenade

Introduce Your Date to His Hero

Experience Nature Together

Create Something with Each Other

Rent a Planetarium and Enjoy the Stars

Plan a Weekend Getaway with Your Date's Best Friends

Spend a Day Doing Something Your Date Loves

Dine Together at a “Chef's Table”

About the Author

Cheat Sheet

More Dummies Products

Guide

Table of Contents

Begin Reading

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Introduction

Some things about dating never change, no matter how old you are: You have to figure out who to look for, where to look, and how to recognize this person when you meet him or her. You have to protect yourself and listen to your inner warning bells if they go off. And you may have to navigate the tricky territory of a sexual relationship.

But dating after age 50 brings its own unique challenges and benefits. The dating world and the ways to find a soul mate have changed since you last tested the waters. For example, you need to think about who you want now as opposed to who you needed or desired when you were younger. The days of bars and dances are pretty far behind you, so you're left to find new ways and new places to look for dates — through friends, acquaintances, singles clubs, new hobbies, or online. And finally, sex is really important in a relationship no matter what age you are because pleasure and intimacy always make a relationship more intimate emotionally and physically. But if you haven't been sexual in a long time, you need to know what expectations are like these days when dating. For example, you may be unsure of how to talk about important topics such as sexually transmitted diseases, physical disabilities, performance issues, and monogamy.

Put simply, now that you're past 50, dating is a different experience than it was when you were in your 20s or even your 30s. You've changed, the culture has changed, and who you're looking for is likely to be quite different as well. The important thing to remember is that you can be successful. You can have many great experiences along the way to finding someone wonderful. Try not to be intimidated in the beginning, even though it's perfectly understandable to feel that way. It may seem overwhelming when you first go online, join a singles group, or get fixed up, but you'll soon rediscover old skills or learn new ones. Think of it as an adventure and you may be surprised to find out that you like the journey as well as the destination.

Sure, you may face some setbacks along the way, and you may have to revise your approach to dating a few times. But if you keep at it, you'll learn new things, grow as a person, and be likely to find not only a date but a precious and passionate love. I'm not exaggerating at all. If you think that passion and deep love are things of the past, think again. Countless people express with delight how falling in love again has been no less wonderful or intense than it ever was. Get ready for a great payoff for the energy, time, and good attitude that you bring to this new phase of your life.

About This Book

Dating After 50 For Dummies is written expressly for mature adults who are either reentering the dating world after a long absence or have been doing it for a while, unsuccessfully.

This book is a guide to dating over age 50; it's full of information about how to find a date, begin a date, secure someone's affections, and create a successful dating relationship. Though I wrote this book with people over 50 in mind, it contains information that applies to people far younger. But the book takes note of the special conditions of being a baby boomer — or beyond. For example:

The possibility of having been in a long-term marriage or relationship until recentlyThe possibility that you haven’t dated in 20 to 50 yearsThe challenges of coming to dating with adult children and a complex family network from a previous relationshipFears about safety, especially with the new Internet technology for datingIssues about changes in health and appearance

You may have experienced significant changes in your life that have brought you back into the dating game, such as the loss of a beloved spouse, the breakup of a long term marriage or cohabitation, a change in looks or health since the last time you were “on the market,” or simply a loss of confidence since the last time you practiced flirting. You may have married young, changed sexual orientation, or been through a series of relationships that never quite made it to commitment. This book aims to change your insecurities to confidence and your almosts to solid, happy relationships. Five insecurities that I address and help you overcome are:

You’re too old.You aren’t attractive enough.You’ll never find someone really first-rate out there.You don’t know how to choose someone great.You’ll fail because you’ll say or do the wrong thing.

These aren't unreasonable insecurities; you're a mature individual and you've been informed by a lot of past experience. But the past is the past, and you should always face the future with optimism, especially because you'll have new information and a guide to help you along the way this time.

Though the whole book is useful, each chapter stands alone and doesn't need the previous or following ones to be understood or used. Think of Dating After 50 For Dummies as a reference book that you can dip into when you have specific questions about getting started or are entering a new phase of a relationship and want to know a bit more about something that didn't concern you up to that point. You're not required to have any sort of cumulative memory (this is especially reassuring to those whose memory is increasingly challenging!).

I've included the occasional sidebar, which may have a story about dating that illustrates a specific discussion or some additional information you may or may not be interested in. Sidebars are considered to be optional reading, so don't feel compelled to read every one of them unless you just can't help but devour each and every word in this book!

Within this book, you may note that some web addresses break across two lines of text. If you're reading this book in print and want to visit one of these web pages, simply key in the web address exactly as it's noted in the text, pretending as though the line break doesn't exist. If you're reading this as an e-book, you have it easy — just click the web address to be taken directly to the web page.

Foolish Assumptions

Some people who reenter the dating market have had some discouraging experiences early on. They feel like they're sinking in a sea of misunderstandings, awkward introductions, and incredible mismatches. Just the fear of these kinds of experiences happening can paralyze people and stop them from pursuing dates. So sometimes for some people, dating comes to a screeching halt before anything even happens.

In writing this book, I made the following general assumptions about who might be reading it. If any of these statements ring true for you, you're in the right place:

You feel like you’re floundering in the dating marketplace or you’re too nervous to even begin.You’ve tried dating, met the wrong people, and got depressed or frightened, or you were ignored by the people you approached.You feel you don’t know how to present yourself, much less manage a date.You were once a successful dater, but that was 30 years ago or more, and to say you’re just feeling rusty would be a vast understatement.

The discussions in this book pertain to everyone, but not everyone reading them will come from the same emotional place or personal history. Using too much diversity in terms bogs down a book, so I use some shorthand terms. Because most people who read this book have been married, I use marriage as a convenient term for any long-term, committed relationship — a loving partnership that has intertwined finances, living spaces, future plans, healthcare, taxes, and so on. I recognize, however, that people can make a deep commitment outside of matrimony.

Also, I use male and female pronouns for most of the discussion, but I think almost everything in the book is applicable regardless of whether you're in a couple that's heterosexual or same-sex. Chapter 16 discusses issues that may only or more greatly affect gays and lesbians who are living together or are married.

Icons Used in This Book

Although I think every word of this book is as valuable as the one before, some information is especially important. Because I don't want you to miss this information, it's marked with an icon.

This icon notes something you can do to activate an important goal of dating. This is usually a very concrete suggestion to help you take action.

Information marked with this icon underscores something about dating that you always need to keep in mind.

This icon indicates safety-related information or a caution about certain kinds of people or behavior. Though dating is generally safe, there are some odd or unbalanced people in the world, and you want to know how to avoid them or, having met them, how not to put yourself in a dangerous or embarrassing situation.

Beyond the Book

In addition to all the advice and anecdotes you can find in the book you're reading right now, this product also comes with some access-anywhere goodies on the web. Check out the eCheat Sheet at www.dummies.com/cheatsheet/datingafter50 for helpful insights and pointers on writing a stellar online dating profile, planning affordable but still enjoyable dates, and your first sexual experience together. You can also discover ten ways to feel sexier at www.dummies.com/extras/datingafter50.

Where to Go from Here

You have to get started! No more foot dragging or hand wringing — there's no time like the present for beginning this new phase of your life. Yes, dating after 50 isn't all that easy, but most worthwhile ventures take some energy, heart, and a learning curve to get where you want to go. If you can make a commitment to at least start reading the chapters that interest you most, you've entered into a new state of consciousness about yourself and your future. You don't have to do everything at once. You can start reading, stop, and wait — but by all means, eventually pick up the book again and put it into practice. After you feel more confident about yourself, what to do, and where to go, you may surprise yourself and find that dating after 50 is a whole lot more fun than dating was when you were younger!

If you're looking for a good place to start, I recommend the chapters in Part I for a little self-reflection and to prepare yourself for the adventure ahead. If your head's in the game but you don't know where to turn to meet people, dive into Part II. For sensitive matters like sex and money (though not together!), Part III is the place to be.

Part I

Getting Started with Dating After 50

Visit www.dummies.com for great free Dummies content online.

In this part…

Find out how to get psychologically prepared for dating. Your success depends on how motivated and self-confident you are, but most people don ’ t get there automatically. Examine your fears and hopes, and brush up on some skills.Make sure that you ’ re over your ex, even if parting was painful. Whether you are a widow or a divorcé or ended a long-term relationship, you need to have your mind open and ready for someone new.Identify your core requirements for deep and permanent love as well as optional criteria for people you ’ re interested in dating. You can ’ t reach a destination unless you ’ ve picked one out, and you can ’ t meet the man or woman of your dreams if you don ’ t know what could make them so.Separate the person you used to be from the person you are now by letting go of assumptions and dating criteria that you settled on when you were 25.Take a long look at yourself and be honest about updates that you can make to your appearance to bring your best self to the dating world. You may need to work out, shop for new clothes, or try an updated haircut. It ’ s amazing how much better you feel and how much more attractively you come across as a human being when you feel good about yourself.

Chapter 1

Jumping (Back) into the Dating Pool

In This Chapter

Evaluating the state of your mind and body

Knowing the best places to find dates

Keeping safety in mind

Saying and doing the right things in a relationship's early stages

Talking about sex and money

When you haven't dated for a long time, dating again may seem so daunting that you don't want to approach the subject, much less start the process. But sooner or later, you feel a change in the way you think about various activities and daily life, and you know you'd like companionship or maybe a life partner. You also know that just waiting for the right person to show up hasn't been a successful strategy. At some point you realize that you need to tackle what it means to date again, and you start thinking about who you're looking for, where to look for potential dates, and what you have to do to prep yourself for dating.

Dating takes some rethinking of how you use your time and how you want to present yourself. Quite frankly, if you haven't dated recently, the rules of the road have changed, and you need some time to learn what they are. This book is meant to be a guide to dating — from renovating your dating skills and intuition to figuring out online dating to meeting people in new places. I also cover safety, which was probably not so important when you were in high school but is terribly important when you start meeting new people at this stage of your life.

Dating can be a lot of fun, and it's definitely a growth experience. Yes, it has its down moments and frustrations, but the upside is terrific. You can have a great romance, meet interesting people, learn a lot about yourself, and widen your horizons. Dating after age 50 (or at any age!) is worth the effort.

Getting Real: How Do You Feel about Yourself?

As you take on dating after some time out of the game, you need to evaluate your state of mind and body. I suggest that you work through some checklists to evaluate the emotional and physical state you're in now. This is ground zero because if you don't feel good about yourself, you'll transmit that feeling to everyone you meet, and it will undermine the possibilities that may have been there if you had come across as a self-confident person who is living a fulfilled life. You need to make sure that you can feel good about yourself before you even get fixed up, go online, or join a singles group.

Your psychological checklist

Chapter 2 contains some tools to help you review your state of mind, but in general, you have to attend to the following main aspects of your emotions:

Let go of past failures or frustrations and assume you can do better. You also need to let go of the hold on your soul that people you’ve loved or lived with still have. Your past relationship may have left you with shrapnel in your heart or a beloved spouse may have died and left you sad and lonely. Life deals people grave losses and traumas, and no one, least of all this author, minimizes these losses. The challenge is to put them in a place that allows you to approach someone new full of optimism and energy for exploring a relationship. If you’re not in emotional shape to do that, you have to work on your emotions until you’re ready to open up to someone new.Get to a good place regarding your feelings about yourself. You’re older now and no longer have the face or shape of a 25-year-old. Of course, you know that rationally, but you have to find a way to feel good about who you are now. If you don’t like the way you look, you can either do something about it (exercise, lose weight, and so on) or accept the belief that you’re worth knowing — and desiring — just the way you are.Surround yourself with people who are supportive of your new quest for love. If your children are unsupportive, tell them to get over their qualms and think about your needs as an individual. Hang out with friends who are happy for you and who send you back into the search for love if you start to back off. Everyone needs support, and you need to be willing to look for it and avoid naysayers.Think about who you're looking for and why. You have much to consider now that you’re not building a family with someone or just starting out in life. Chapter 3 has a list of core characteristics that are important to consider for potential dates, but you need to take into account some differences at this stage of life. You may want to think more out of the box now that you aren’t picking the father or mother of your children. The person who was right for you in your 20s or 30s may not be a good fit in your 50s. On the other hand, you may still need someone who shares your values and fits into the culture of your family and friends. The bottom line is, before you go out again looking for love, you may want to revisit your romantic criteria.

Your physical checklist

You may be “camera ready” — or not. It's easy to get sloppy about your looks if no one is admiring you. Sometimes it's the little things people forget about (like clean nails!) that no one brings to their attention; others may look at those seemingly small imperfections, though, and make assumptions. Going out again requires giving yourself an honest once-over — or asking a supportive friend to do it for you. For example:

Hairstyle: Has yours been the same for the last 20 years? Maybe that’s not a good thing. Even men sometimes need a more stylish cut. Hair should look clean, neatly kept, and at the very least, not immediately aversive. And guys, most women find those comb-overs to hide bald or thinly covered areas unattractive. Consider an alternative.Clothes: Clothes need to be clean and unrumpled. Wear something that doesn’t look like you slept in it or used it for a tablecloth. If you look like a mess when you meet someone, the person may never take the time to find out you can generally put yourself together very well.Hygiene: Examine your fingernails, your breath, your body odor, and whether your hair looks dirty or greasy. It may be the end of the day, but you still need to look and smell fresh when you’re meeting a date. For some people, something as seemingly trivial as dirty nails can be a deal breaker.Weight: Let’s face it: It’s a weight-conscious world. That doesn’t mean that no one will want you if you’re heavy, but it does mean that getting dates is easier if your weight reflects overall good health. Dating is a good motivator for setting up a healthy eating and exercise plan, which is invigorating, helps boost self-respect, and has health benefits. But don’t hesitate to begin dating just because you’re not at your best weight. Lots of people are in the same boat you’re in, looking for someone to love, and many will accept you just the way you are.

It's not all about looks in the dating world, but your first interaction with someone is heavily influenced by appearances, so you need to pay attention to what you wear and your physical presence.

Looking in All the Right Places: Where to Find People

Dating for people over 50 used to be difficult. After you asked everyone you knew to fix you up, you still didn't have a clear path. These days, however, because of longer and healthier lives, cultural shifts, and online dating, meeting people isn't so difficult (although meeting the right person always takes a bit of time and resilience!). Chapter 5 gives you some clear directions about places that offer good possibilities to meet good people, but it all comes down to the five options I discuss in the following sections.

Events targeted at single people

Most cities have events that are specifically organized for single people. The nice part of these events or outings is that you're going to something you'd enjoy anyhow. It may be a bicycle trip, a wine tasting, a white-water rafting trip, or a series on foreign films, but the idea is that everyone who attends has a common interest, so you'll have something to talk about when you meet someone who interests you. At the very worst, you'll make new friends.

Public places

As you go about your day, you're constantly thrown together with new people, and some will be single and interesting. The hard part is getting to meet them because the only thing you have in common, to begin with, is being in the same place at the same time. That's why when you're at a grocery store or post office, or at the train station or an airport, you have to keep your eyes peeled. Consider all these places an opportunity, but you have to look for it and seize the moment by being inquisitive, friendly, and approachable (or approaching!).

Online dating

Online dating isn't for everyone, but it's where the people are. Millions of them, in fact. And the fastest-growing group among them is people over 50. That's why Chapter 6 is full of specifics about how to date online, because honestly, the choices are vast, and the chances of meeting someone you'd never meet any other way are high. Furthermore, online dating is the only way you can preselect a large pool of possible dates according to age, interests, and values. It's also the best place to go in terms of selecting people who are obviously interested in dating and available for a relationship (apart from the occasional jerk who's really married, but those people are the exception to the rule).

In Chapter 6 I go into detail about how to write profiles, select quality people, and learn the art of 20-minute coffee introductions. I don't call them dates; instead, these are really auditions, so you need to treat them as a kind of speed-dating experience, not real dating. Still, superficial as these first meetings may be, they eventually put two people who should be in front of each other together, and then real dating commences.

Parties

Younger people have parties all the time, but after 50, not so much. Still, parties, whether they're fundraisers, political get-togethers, or large office celebrations, are a good time to meet people you don't know. It takes a bit of guts to introduce yourself to someone you don't know at these large gatherings, and a naked fourth finger on the left hand doesn't always tell you whether someone is single. Still, it's worth going to these kinds of events because there are likely to be people there you don't already know.

Hobby-related activities

One of the best ways to meet people who share some of your passions is to meet them while you're engaging in said activity. That may mean skiing, going to an art opening, or taking an evening class on film, history, or anything else that you love. This way of meeting people is a long shot because there may not be any single people there besides yourself — or no single people who attract you — but if you do meet someone, it's a great way to begin a relationship.

Try as many ways to meet people as you can. You never know which approach is going to pay off.

Making Your Safety a Priority

Unless you fall in love with the boy or girl next door, your coworker, or someone you've known for a long time, dating, almost by definition, is going out with someone you don't know. That means you need to be cautious about how you meet people, where you meet them, and what information you give them.

I talk more about safety in Chapter 8, but in a nutshell, here are the five core aspects of safe dating:

Never give out your address until you've thoroughly checked someone out and are sure he's a safe person.Never give out your home phone number until you're sure this is an emotionally stable person. A rejected person who’s unstable could start harassing you over the phone, and you may have to cancel your number, which is a pain in the neck.Always do due diligence on the information your date gives you. You should be able to use the web to find out whether he has a criminal record, works where he says he works, is married, and so on.Never let someone you've met for coffee or just a few dates walk you to your car. The chances of meeting someone who would push you into the car and kidnap you are extremely low, but not impossible.Pay attention to early jealous behavior or compulsive calling or visiting. If it occurs, back away from the relationship immediately (but do it in a kind manner; you don’t want to stir up feelings of anger if you can help it).

Navigating First Dates and Beyond

In the early part of a relationship, you need to watch out for a number of pitfalls. I cover them in Chapter 7 and in other chapters in this book. The following sections outline some of the highlights.

Polishing your conversation skills

Starting a conversation with someone you barely know is always a bit awkward. It's hard to know what will lead to mutual interest. There are some graceful ways to get conversation flowing; here are some ideas:

Talk about things that interest your date. You really need to know how to talk to someone. If you’ve talked or read a profile already, bring up subjects you know this person is interested in. Make sure you get to cover something meaty.Talk about a variety of subjects. Not all your sentences should start with “I,” and not all your stories should be about yourself. Pull out some subjects that contain both of your interests; for example, if your date is a chess player, and you are too, start talking about chess.Be a good listener. When people are nervous, they have a tendency to either clam up or not know how to turn off a torrent of words.

One way to know you're listening is to ask the other person questions about herself.

Don't forget to use a little chemistry — after all, this is an interview for a date, not for a job. If you're attracted, show it, albeit in a subtle way. Hold eye contact, smile, and lean forward. Show you have emotions and sexuality.

It's one thing to show that you're attracted; it's another to come across as a lech or someone desperately trying to be a femme fatale. Avoid the extremes and just flirt a little, not a lot.

Avoid being controversial on this first meeting. You may have political differences, but there’s no reason to take them on immediately — unless that’s an extremely important aspect of how you choose someone to be in your life. Even then, you can find out someone’s opinion and state your own without getting into anything inflammatory. Raising the temperature at the table is exhausting and unnecessary. You also don’t want to close something down before you get a chance to know who this person is in other important realms of your life.Whatever you do, leave your ex out of this. Talking about the person who deserted you, or whom you left, or who was the light of your life, is never a good idea.

It's easy to start talking about an ex even if you don't want to because your date may bring up her terrible divorce or breakup. Best thought: Nip it in the bud and change the topic. You'll be doing both of you a favor.

Save the bad news for later. No one needs to know your hospital record or your job problems when you’re just getting to know each other.

This first date is still an interview, and you may not get another chance to talk to this person if it doesn't go well. So try to be your most interesting, warm, and compelling version of yourself. Have fun!

Being resilient

Probably the single most valuable characteristic you can have in dating is resilience. Sometimes you meet a lot of people, and none of them is right for you. You have to develop a nice way to tell people that they're not “the one” without being impolite or cruel. Harder is accepting that speech from someone else when you're really interested. But what can you do? Taste doesn't always match up. It's great when it does, and upsetting when you don't see why this person doesn't feel the same way you do, but the fact is, if he doesn't, then you have to move on.

Holding on to a “keeper”

The best part of a relationship happens when you're interested, the other person is interested, and you start to date. The stakes get higher, so you need to consider each escalation of the relationship so you don't do something that undermines this new connection. You need to do things to make this person value you and slowly ease into each other's lives (see Chapters 9 and 10 for more on this).

Create great dates. This is a time to be imaginative, to create fun or moving experiences that make you memorable. You should also open yourself up to new experiences because your date likely has something in her life that you haven't tried yet or don't know much about. Possibilities include a new sport or a class together that takes teamwork (tennis, cooking, and so on). Or perhaps you want to go exploring or even do something charitable that shows your date's depth as well as your own. (Chapters 9 and 19 give you additional ideas.)

Most cities have a city magazine or bulletin that lists special activities for the week. Look them over for great ideas.

Introduce your date to impressive and warm friends. You learn a lot about people from meeting and getting to know their close friends. Meeting your friends can make you seem all the more wonderful, and it also helps you see how your date would fit into your life if the relationship were to deepen.Meet your date's friends and family . . . and win them over. Granted, it's not like meeting the family when you were 25, and the parents were the grown-ups. Now this entails your date's adult children and her friends who've lasted a lifetime. But these people have real influence and clout, which may or may not have been true in your youth. If you want this relationship to last, you want these people to like and trust you. (See Chapter 10 on how to make the first introductions successful.)

Don't introduce friends or meet family too soon. Get the relationship strong and grounded before you let in all these other opinions!

Moving into Tricky Territory: Sex and Intimacy

After you realize you have chemistry with someone, sexual contact usually isn't far behind. These days, given that you've probably been married (maybe even several times) or in a series of serious cohabitations, the expectation is that a serious relationship will include passion and sexuality. But people may have very different ideas about what sentiments should be in place before sex occurs. The following sections consider the usual themes that come up at this point (see Chapters 11 and 12 for more on sex and dating).

How long do we wait?

How long you wait before having sex is a personal issue. For some people, a few dates and a strong attraction is reason enough. In fact, many people have sexual intercourse or some kind of advanced sexual contact on the first real date.

Other people want to wait until they know what kind of relationship they're in and whether it's serious enough to qualify for sexual intimacy. More often than not, some kind of conversation about the relationship precedes sexual intercourse, but it's a great understatement to say that there's generally incomplete communication about sex and what it means.

How do we talk about it?

Obviously, if talking about when to have sex and what it means were easy, everyone would do it — and that's not the case by a long shot. Chapter 11 takes on this problem in some detail, but suffice it to say that you can have the conversation, and it can make you a better, more intimate couple. Talking about sex doesn't make it less passionate when it happens, but not talking about it may cause at least one partner enough worry and insecurity to impede sexual pleasure, create inhibitions, and obstruct emotional comfort.

So how do you begin? By being frank and direct. Literally say, “Before we have sex, I want to talk about issues that are important to me and also tell you things about myself that you need to know.” Some dates greatly appreciate this because they have issues to talk about too, and they don't want to shock you or disappoint you. For example, a man who has had prostate cancer and has a pump in his penis so that he can have erections needs to tell his dates that he has to pump up his penis to have intercourse. He can assure her that the experience will still be pleasurable for both of them. If he conveys this information in an unembarrassed and enthusiastic way, his date is likely to feel unembarrassed and enthusiastic, too.

If you need to have this kind of intimate conversation about your body before having sex, do it at dinner or over a coffee or drink and not in bed. Your partner may not want to have sex, and navigating the situation in bed is way more difficult than making an agreement in a restaurant not to go forward.

What does sex say about the relationship?

Sex means different things to different people, and that's the problem. Some people think having sex means two things: that it's at least a serious dating relationship, and that it will now mean a monogamous commitment. This is a common understanding but hardly universally shared. If you think sex of any sort is a big deal, you definitely want to discuss what your entry-level standards are for creating a sexual connection. If you don't care what sex means (or don't care enough to have any difficult conversations), remember that it may mean something different to your partner and that the consequences of misunderstanding your date's expectations may be more than you want to handle.

What about monogamy?

One misunderstanding people have is about whether having sex with one person means not having sex with anyone else. To be clear, not everyone thinks that having sex is a promise of fidelity from then on. If you really care about monogamy — either from a health or an emotional perspective, or both — then have the conversation about the meaning of sex before you do it. Maybe sex won't happen then or ever, or maybe it will just happen later in the relationship, when you're both on the same page about what it means or entails. But at least there will be no regrets or accusations of feelings of betrayal.

What kinds of safety precautions are necessary?

Ideally, no act of sexual intercourse or oral sex should happen without a conversation about safe sex and the eventual use of a condom. Public health educators even recommend dental dams (thin pieces of latex that can cover the vaginal opening) because genital herpes can be transmitted by oral contact, and — rarely but possibly — the HPV virus that produces tooth decay can be transmitted.

Common practice, however, is much less ideal. Studies have shown that really low percentages of heterosexual men and women use condoms (gay men do much better). Chapter 12 talks more about this problem.

Talking about embarrassing issues

Other issues may be involved with sexual contact besides what it means about the relationship and whether it signals the beginning of monogamy. Older individuals can be painfully aware of how their bodies have changed and perhaps how they negotiate having disabilities caused by life-threatening illnesses such as cancer, heart problems, or diabetes, all of which can influence how their bodies look or whether they're orgasmic or able to have a full or automatic erection.

Bringing up such issues may actually be less awkward than you imagine. Most partners are sympathetic about these kinds of problems, and there are always ways to work around them that are easier if you broach the topic ahead of time (see Chapter 12). Many adults change their expectations of what a partner can and can't do as the decades pass by, and very few people expect their 50-plus partner to be a sexual athlete. Some are, but not the majority, and most people are ready to make all sorts of accommodations — and still enjoy each other tremendously!

Money These Days

Which is more awkward to talk about, sex or money? It's a tough call. Dating has changed (and continues to change), and it's never safe to assume what dating etiquette is when it comes to who pays for dating costs. Chapter 13 covers dating and money matters in depth.

Sharing costs

Though some men are traditional and would be offended to have a woman pay for a date, other men now want a 50-50 split. Traditional women are offended at the new deal, but feminism has reached men, and many believe that if women want to be equal partners, they need to be equal payers as well. If you're a woman who likes to pay your own way, this newer philosophy will be comfortable for you. If you're a woman who's used to male generosity, and you don't want to change the tradition, you have to look for a man with more traditional values.

A 2013 study showed that the majority of men now want women to pick up the check at least occasionally.

Weighing the considerations of a fixed income versus a working income

One newer issue about money is between people who are still working full time and people who've retired. Retirement can bring new economic necessities that working people may not understand. The difference between partners’ incomes may not appear great in some cases, but it makes a big difference in how discretionary income is allotted.

You may find yourself in a situation where you like someone very much, but because one of you is working and the other isn't, certain kinds of vacations or expenses may not be possible unless one of you subsidizes the other. This level of largess requires rethinking gender roles. Even today, many women aren't used to being the one who pays for many luxuries or even just day-to-day expenses because men have traditionally had this role. But many of today's men are tired of paying the lion's share of expenses or simply can't do that anymore because they're on a fixed income.