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- Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
- Kategorie: Religion und Spiritualität
- Sprache: Englisch
There's no such thing as an easy divorce. On top of the emotional turmoil, there are also numerous other concerns – from organising finances and splitting property, to breaking the news to children, and picking the best lawyer. This comprehensive guide shows that, with a clear-head and straight-talking advice, divorce can be swifter and easier than expected, letting you make a clean break and move on with confidence.
Divorce For Dummies includes the most up-to-date information on:
- What to Do First When Things Start to Go Wrong
- Separation: A Healthy Breather or a Prelude to Divorce?
- Helping Your Children Get Through Your Divorce
- Pre-marital Agreements
- Same-sex and DIY divorces
About the author
Elizabeth Walsh is a legal expert and the Editor of Family Law, recently voted ‘Legal Journal of the Year’.
Thelma Fisher is a former chair of the UK College of Family Mediators and has been involved in mediation for over twenty years.
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Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2011
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Table of Contents
Divorce For Dummies®, 2nd Edition
by Elizabeth Walsh, Thelma Fisher, Hilary Woodward, John Ventura and Mary Reed
Divorce For Dummies®, 2nd Edition
Published byJohn Wiley & Sons, LtdThe AtriumSouthern GateChichesterWest SussexPO19 8SQEngland
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British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data: A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
ISBN: 978-0-470-74128-3
Printed and bound in Great Britain by Bell & Bain Ltd, Glasgow
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About the Authors
Elizabeth Walsh graduated from Manchester University with a Law degree and was one of the first solicitors to be articled to a Clerk to the Justices in the Magistrates Courts. After qualifying, she moved to private practice as a family law advocate and then into publishing so that she could spend more time with her young and growing family. Elizabeth is now the editor of Family Law, the leading journal for practitioners in family law. She is also editor of International Family Law, the journal for family law practitioners worldwide. In 1993 she trained as a family mediator at the Institute of Family Therapy in London and in 1996 set up a mediation service in Buckinghamshire under the auspices of National Family Mediation, where she still practices. She was Chief Executive of the UK College of Family Mediators from 1997 to 1999. She became a Magistrate in 1990 and now heads up the Central Buckinghamshire Family Proceedings Panel. She is a member of the Thames Valley Family Mediation Council and in 1997 wrote Working in the Family Justice System: the Official Handbook of the Family Justice Council, now in its third edition. She has contributed to many other publications including Family Mediation: Past Present and Future.
Thelma Fisher was one of the first practitioners in the UK to apply the process of family mediation to divorcing couples. She had previously qualified and worked as a social worker and couple counsellor after graduating in English Literature and Language at King’s College London. From 1981 she pioneered both the professional practice of mediation and its place in the Family Justice System, setting up one of the first family mediation services in Swindon before moving on to help create family mediation’s early literature and training while a social work lecturer at the University of Bath. Her special interests included the effects of separation and divorce on children. From 1989 to 1999 she was appointed the first director of the national network of services that later became known as National Family Mediation and was Chair of the UK College of Family Mediators from 2000 to 2003.
Thelma has lectured on mediation in many countries, including Canada, Norway, France, Bosnia, Croatia, Serbia and the Republic of Macedonia. In the UK, she has regularly addressed national and international conferences and frequently appeared in the national media. She has published articles on family mediation in the British Journal of Social Work, Family Mediation and Family Law. She edited two editions of a standard textbook on family mediation, Family Conciliation within the UK and a UK edition of the influential American textbook by John Haynes, The Fundamentals of Family Mediation. She is also the author of National Family Mediation Guide to Separation and Divorce: The complete handbook for managing a fair and amicable divorce. Thelma was awarded the OBE in 1997 and made a Fellow of Kings’ College London in 2000. She and her husband had three children and she has two grandchildren.
Hilary Woodward did her first degree in Sociology and Anthropology at the London School of Economics and Political Science and worked on a variety of research projects with the Institute of Education, Medical Research Council and Institute of Psychiatry. In 1973 she started work for a London firm of solicitors where she made the decision to train as a solicitor. She was admitted to the Law Society’s Roll of Solicitors in January 1982 and specialised in family law for over twenty years. She was a partner and then consultant in private practice in Bristol with Henriques Griffiths until her retirement from private practice in June 2003. Hilary trained and practices as a family mediator with Bristol Family Mediation. She was a governor and honorary treasurer for the UK College of Family Mediators from 2002 to 2008. Since 2002 she has worked as an associate on various socio-legal research studies, initially with Bristol University and now with Cardiff School of Law. She is the co-author of a number of articles on family law including, with Gillian Douglas and Julia Pearce, A Failure of Trust: Resolving Property Disputes on Cohabitation Breakdown.
John Ventura is an authority on consumer advocate law and financial issues. He earned degrees in both law and journalism from the University of Houston. He currently operates three law offices specialising in bankruptcy, consumer law, and personal injury in the Rio Grande Valley. He has written eight books on consumer and small-business legal and financial matters, and is the author of Law For Dummies. In addition, he writes a regular column for a Texas business journal and hosts a weekly radio program on legal issues. John has been a frequent network TV show guest on CNN, CNN-fn, and CNBC, and has done numerous national and local radio programs. He has provided expert opinion for publications including Money, Kiplinger’s Personal Finance Magazine, Black Enterprise, Inc., Martha Stewart’s Living, The Wall Street Journal, and Newsweek.
Mary Reed has ghost-written numerous books on money and legal matters and has been a regular contributor to Home Office Computing and Small Business Computing magazines. She is the owner of MR_PR, a public relations and special events firm based in Austin, Texas. Prior to starting her own business, Mary was vice-president of marketing for a national market research firm, public affairs and marketing director for a women’s health-care organization, and public relations manager for an award-winning regional magazine. She holds a bachelor’s degree in political science from Trinity College in Washington, D.C., and a master’s degree in Business from Boston University.
Sandy Cartwright, a family lawyer in Austin, Texas, acted as a Special Contributor to the US edition of this title.
Dedication
This book is dedicated to The Rt Hon the Baroness Hale of Richmond, DBE, Justice of the Supreme Court, otherwise known as Brenda Hale, the first female Law Lord, who has made a remarkable contribution to the development of family law and family mediation over the last twenty years.
Acknowledgments
We are grateful for the help of the following people in contributing their specialised knowledge and experience to this book:
Fiona Garwood, who contributed much of the original material on divorce law in Scotland, was a family mediator for 20 years with Family Mediation Lothian and also worked as an Assistant Director for Family Mediation Scotland where she was responsible for mediation training and standards.
Rhona Adams, who updated Scottish Law for this edition, is a partner in the family law team at Morton Fraser, one of Scotland’s leading law firms. She has extensive experience in the field of family law and is accredited by the Law Society of Scotland as a Specialist in Family Law. Rhona also practices as a solicitor mediator in family cases with CALM. She is a member of Scotland’s Family Law Association.
Sheena Bell was a member of the Northern Ireland Family Mediation Service which operated between 1987 and 2000. She held all the professional posts within the service during the ensuing years – mediator, intake worker, co-ordinator, supervisor and trainer. She is the lead practitioner and professional practice consultant of the charity Family Mediation Northern Ireland, which was formed in 2004. She also mediates workplace disputes, mediates for the Disability Conciliation Service and has a private counselling practice.
Gregg Taffs has been a financial adviser for 17 years. Gregg started with the insurance division of Barclays Bank before leaving to become an independent financial adviser for Solace Associates and is now Investment Manager with Moore Stephens Financial Services, providing specialist advice to high net worth clients focusing mainly on investments and pensions.
Publisher’s Acknowledgements
We’re proud of this book; please send us your comments through our Dummies online registration form located at www.dummies.com/register/.
Some of the people who helped bring this book to market include the following:
Commissioning, Editorial, and Media Development
Project Editor: Steve Edwards
(Previous Edition: Amie Jackowski Tibble, Daniel Mersey)
Content Editor: Jo Theedom
Commissioning Editor: Nicole Hermitage
Publishing Assistant: Jennifer Prytherch
Copy Editor: Andy Finch
Proofreader: David Price
Technical Editor: Hilary Woodward
Publisher: Jason Dunne
Executive Editor: Samantha Spickernell
Executive Project Editor: Daniel Mersey
Cover Photos: © Grant V. Faint/GettyImages
Cartoons: Ed McLachlan
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Project Coordinator: Lynsey Stanford
Layout and Graphics: Reuben W. Davis, Sarah Philippart
Proofreader: Jessica Kramer
Indexer: Cheryl Duksta
Introduction
Welcome to the second edition of Divorce For Dummies. Divorce is commonplace now but it is not only married couples who split up. Since 2005, same-sex couples in the UK can enter into civil partnerships and although the ending of a partnership is called dissolution rather than divorce, the process is much the same. In addition, the number of couples who live together without marrying increases dramatically year by year and their separation, although not governed by the laws of divorce or dissolution, will have financial and emotional consequences for those couples and their children.
Most people are almost completely at a loss over what to do if their relationships are breaking up. Overwhelmed by confusion, anger, fear and resentment, many couples panic over the changes occurring in their lives (and the lives of their children) and end up making emotionally and financially costly mistakes that could have been avoided if they’d had more information. Others turn what may have been an amicable break-up into a cut-throat battle. They end their relationships bitter, angry and a whole lot poorer at a time when this isn’t necessary at all.
But divorce (and we include dissolution in that term) isn’t about winners and losers, and it doesn’t have to include huge legal bills either. This book is about what to do before, during and after your divorce (and we include dissolution in that term) and much of it applies to cohabiting couples as well, particularly as regards your children. With the right information, tools and advice (and the proper attitude), you and your partner can work out the terms of your parting with a minimum of expense, stress and emotional upheaval. In this book, we tell you how it can be done.
Why You Need This Book
Dip into this book and you can discover the following:
What to do first before you file a divorce petition.
Family law and divorce law basics, including how divorce laws may vary throughout the UK (though you must always defer to your solicitor).
Facts to consider when you’re deciding on how you’ll care for your children, including maintenance, child support and the division of your assets.
Mistakes to avoid and insights into effective negotiating.
Tips for finding a solicitor who’s competent and affordable.
Advice for keeping your emotions as well as your legal expenses under control, including tips for using mediation and other non-confrontational methods for getting through your divorce as amicably as possible.
For the small percentage of you who are involved in hostile divorces and have to sort out your differences through a court, this book can prepare you for your experience in a courtroom.
Advice for minimising the potential negative effect divorce may have on your children, and suggested ways to rebuild a new life for yourself after divorce.
Foolish Assumptions
Because you’ve picked up this book, we’re assuming that you’ve come to the realisation that your marriage has what may be insurmountable problems and you’re seriously considering a divorce. Or perhaps you’re already separated and are ready to take legal steps to end your marriage. We’re not going to give you reasons for why you should or shouldn’t get divorced – you need to make those decisions yourself. However, we do give you advice on how to start and get through the whole divorce process while handling its ups and downs as gracefully as possible.
The law is known for having very specific, impenetrable language – often it’s impossible to understand unless you’re a lawyer (and sometimes, even if you are). Divorce law is littered with obscure words, so we always give you a definition and you can find most of them in the glossary at the end of the book. We don’t save you from them altogether, however, as you’ll meet up with them at times. Someone recently wrote how when you travel by ship you may be initially embarrassed to use words like ‘stern’ and ‘starboard’ but may end up casually saying them because no one seems to be astonished or impressed when you do. You may acquire some of that ease yourself, and thankfully, many lawyers belong to the ‘plain-speaking’ brigade and we definitely approve of that.
How This Book Is Organised
You can use this book in one of two ways. You can read it cover to cover, and never skip a beat on the subject of divorce, or you can pick it up when you need an answer to a particular question or want to know more about a certain subject. For even easier reading, it’s organised into six parts.
Part I: Trouble in Paradise
This part of the book helps prepare you for dealing with a seriously troubled marriage and reviews your options if you’re in a failing relationship. It provides information on gathering facts about your family’s finances and honing your money management skills before you get divorced. This part also offers you an overview of family and divorce law and the responsibilities that parents have towards their non-adult children. We close this part with a chapter on separation – to save your marriage, or as a prelude to divorce.
Part II: Divorce Preliminaries
The second part of Divorce For Dummies tells you how to prepare yourself for the divorce process and has specific advice for the spouse who initiates a divorce and for the spouse who gets the bad news. It devotes a full chapter to telling your children that mum and dad won’t be living together any more and helping them get through your divorce as painlessly as possible. Lastly, this part provides advice on coping with the emotions you inevitably feel and dealing with the reaction of your friends and family.
Part III: Decisions, Decisions
When your divorce or separation has begun, you have to make some important and sometimes tough decisions: Will you pay or receive spousal support? Where will your children live, and if not with you both in your separate households, how will you make sure that they stay in touch with both parents? What about child support? How will your marital property be divided up? These questions aren’t to be taken lightly, but their answers should be easier to reach after you read the chapters in this part of the book.
Part IV: Working Out the Terms of Your Divorce Agreement
This part of the book is a must-read whether you and your spouse negotiate most of your divorce yourselves or you each hire solicitors to do most of the negotiating for you. You find out about the benefits and drawbacks of negotiating yourselves, and discover the many benefits of using mediation to help settle your divorce. We tell you where and how to find affordable solicitors and what you must expect from them, and what your solicitor expects from you. For those of you heading for divorce court, the final chapter in this part tells you what to expect before, during and after a judge decides your divorce terms.
Part V: After Your Divorce Is Finalised
After your divorce is wrapped up, you still have paperwork to deal with and money matters to handle. Plus, you now face the prospect of getting by on your own. You may also face problems with your divorce agreement or with your spouse failing to adhere to court orders or the plans you made for your children or spousal maintenance. This part provides advice for these and other common post-divorce problems. Finally, we include a chapter that explains the value of pre- and post-marital agreements if you marry again.
Part VI: The Part of Tens
The first chapter in this part offers advice for helping your children cope in the aftermath of your divorce. In the second chapter, you can find practical tips for how to put your divorce behind you and move forward with your life. The final chapter offers help on building and sustaining a mutually fulfilling relationship in the future.
Part VII: Appendixes
You may hear some unfamiliar words and terms in this book as you read through it, so we give you a handy glossary in this part for quick reference. We also give you a list of helpful websites that you can turn to for help in finding information and support.
Icons Used in This Book
This icon lets you know about something especially useful that can save you time, money or energy while you’re going through your divorce.
Make a note when you see this icon – it indicates something that you must keep in mind as you make your way through the divorce process.
Stop and read this information to steer clear of mistakes and pitfalls that are common in divorce.
For those of you who like as much in-depth information on a subject as possible, you may want to make a point of reading this material.
This icon highlights scenarios we’ve seen (or heard about in the news) that may help you realise you’re not alone as you go through your divorce.
If you lizve in Scotland or Northern Ireland, pay close attention when you see this icon. The laws in these two countries are slightly different from those in England and Wales and we’ve highlighted the major differences with this icon. Many of the laws are the same throughout the UK, however, so don’t depend on these icons for the whole picture.
Where to Go from Here
The divorce process is never an easy one, but we do our best to give you the information you need to make it as smooth as possible. However, as with any legal issue, make sure that you talk things over with your solicitor before making any major decisions, because the laws evolve over time and you need the most up-to-date information possible.
Part I
Trouble in Paradise
In this part . . .
If your marriage is rocky and you think that you’re heading for a breakup, this part of the book provides information to prepare you for the divorce process. (Because divorce may not be an option for some of you, we also talk about marriage as well as divorce issues.) We also offer information on what to do if you’re a victim of domestic violence.
We provide you with some solid advice for getting your finances together (whether or not you’re divorcing), an overview of your legal rights and obligations during the divorce process, plus some basic information on family law in general and divorce law and procedure in particular. This part ends with a chapter on separation, which you may opt for as a last-ditch effort to save your marriage or use as a prelude to – or instead of – divorce.
Chapter 1
Checking Out Your Divorce Roadmap
In This Chapter
Understanding the basic requirements of the law
Caring for your children
Making decisions about home, money, pensions and possessions
Locating who is out there to help you
Getting ready for life after divorce
The word ‘divorce’ literally means ‘turned aside’. You may be contemplating ‘turning aside’ from your spouse or facing the effects of your spouse ‘turning aside’ from you. You can be forgiven for thinking of divorce as a negative mirror image of your marriage. Getting a divorce means taking apart, bit by bit, all the things you and your spouse put together over the years. A divorce is like watching your married actions in reverse – unmaking the promises, telling your families an unwelcome story, enacting the end not the start of your relationship, perhaps selling the home you struggled to buy and sharing out the care of any children you were thrilled to conceive together.
You can, however, look at your situation in a more positive light. Think of it as holding up a mirror to yourself during a major life crisis. With this mirror in front of you and this book in your hand, we hope you can watch the expression on your face change from uncertainty to determination to self-confidence. To get through your divorce with as little difficulty as possible, you need good information and an optimistic outlook. This approach, we hope, sums up what we’ve written. We don’t deny, though, that divorce takes its toll on you, and therefore in Chapter 9 we give you ways to look after yourself as you work your way through the process.
Divorcing Is a Process
Like most crises, your divorce is a process not an event. It has a beginning, a middle, and – yes, eventually – an end. In this book we give you a map of the whole process of divorce – from the moment you decide that your relationship is in serious trouble to the moment your divorce is finalised – and we offer tips for dealing with the changes in your life afterwards. Because everyone is different, we give you a variety of routes. This chapter is a bird’s-eye view of the whole landscape to help you choose where to start.
We don’t always spare you hard words (check the Glossary at the back if you come across a word you’re unsure of), and neither do we always spare you hard problems to overcome and hard decisions to take. We do, however, provide ways to avoid creating unnecessary problems, and we warn you when difficult decisions lie ahead. No matter how hard you try to dodge them, when you come across decisions that must be made, you need to be prepared.
If at all possible, we recommend you go for a co-operative divorce, but we know it can be difficult and you may end up in court with a fully contested divorce (see Chapter 5). One of our favourite solicitors is a wonderful mediator, but if she’s representing someone in a full hearing, she is very, very tough. So when it comes to your divorce, we’re not bland – we’re not cynical. However, we are realistic about what divorce means for you.
Getting to the Bottom Line: The Law
The legal effects of both marriage and divorce are to change your legal status. In the eyes of the State, you changed once from a single person to a married person and divorce changes you back again. However, only a judge in a county court or high court can change your status back to being single. That is the bottom line of divorce law. Because you collect responsibilities by being married, the law is accompanied by a stack of documents and a series of routine court procedures to make sure that you give the judge the information required for your divorce to be granted with the minimum of unfairness to you or your spouse. If you have children, the law exists to protect them – and so divorce law has links to family law.
Grasping the basis of divorce law
The Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 is the law governing divorce if you live in England and Wales. In Scotland, the relevant law is the Divorce (Scotland) Act 1976 and in Northern Ireland it’s the Matrimonial Causes (Northern Ireland) Order 1978. In all cases, the only ground for divorce is the irretrievable breakdown of your marriage, but you must establish that by one of the five following facts:
Your spouse has committed adultery and you find it intolerable to live with him.
Your spouse has behaved in such a way that you can’t reasonably be expected to live with him.
Your spouse has deserted you – for a minimum of two years (no longer applicable in Scotland).
You have been separated for at least two years (one year in Scotland) and your spouse consents to a divorce.
You have been separated for at least five years (two years in Scotland).
Chapters 4 and 5 spell out the legal aspects of marriage and divorce in detail.
Since the early 1980s, the divorce rate has stabilised, largely due to the decline in marriage and the increasing proportion of couples cohabiting, particularly since 1990. The number of divorces in the UK fell by 2.6 per cent in 2007 to 144,220, compared with 148,141 divorces in 2006. The number of divorces in Scotland fell by 1.9 per cent from 13,014 in 2006 to 12,773 in 2007. However, the number of divorces in Northern Ireland increased – in 2007, 2,913 divorces took place, 14 per cent more than the 2,565 divorces in 2006.
Changing the focus on children
The law about children was changed radically when the Children Act 1989 was passed. This law shifted the focus away from deciding ‘parental rights’ to the notion of ‘parental responsibilities’. You no longer have rights over your children, which you can fight about at divorce; rather you have responsibilities for your children, which you don’t shed when you divorce. Accordingly, the law stops talking about custody, which the court granted to one parent, and access, which was granted to the parent who doesn’t ‘get’ the children. Instead, the law now encourages parents to decide for themselves what’s in the best interests of their children, where they live (their residence) and how they’re going to have contact with the parent they aren’t living with.
Divorced or separated parents now have more flexibility in working out their arrangements and many children now live with both parents at different times according to whatever works best for them. Of course, if you and your spouse can’t agree, the court decides and the law spells out what factors the judge must consider in making his decisions.
Chapter 4 goes into more detail about the Children Act 1989 and what it means for your family, and Chapter 10 covers the ways you can plan for your children’s care.
Civil partnership
Since December 2005 couples of the same sex who live together can register as civil partners. If you sign a civil partnership registration document you commit yourselves to a range of rights and responsibilities, essentially the same as those associated with marriage. Civil partnership is not precisely the same as gay marriage but the legal rules and consequences are more or less the same. If the relationship breaks down you can end your civil partnership through the courts just like a divorce. Take a look at Chapter 4 to see whether this applies to you.
Understanding the differences in UK law
Divorce law, procedures and courts differ in some respects in England and Wales from those in Northern Ireland and even more so from those in Scotland. The divorce laws themselves are relatively similar but the Scottish laws about children and property are significantly different. We have given you the main legal differences where they occur but we don’t have sufficient space to spell out the minor – but important – differences in the law and procedures in detail. Therefore, if you live in Scotland or Northern Ireland, we recommend that you consult a solicitor for those further details.
Starting the Divorce Process
The chances are that if you’d been able to prevent your marriage from breaking down you’d have done so. If you’re still not 100 per cent sure that divorce or separation is what you want (or have to accept), you may be better starting at Chapter 2. Here, we give you suggestions for trying to improve your relationship if a chance remains of saving it, or at least for thoroughly testing the inevitability of its end. We suggest alternatives to divorce, such as separation, but emphasise that you shouldn’t leave your home without first thinking through the consequences that we spell out in Chapter 6.
If you’ve decided that your relationship is over, no turning back is possible and you’re ready to take legal steps to end your marriage, have a look at Chapter 7. Although, Chapters 4 and 5 give you the legal background, Chapter 7 starts you on the path, with tips on everything from telling your spouse it’s over to working out your family’s financial situation and how that’s affected by your separation.
Separating when you never married
You may have picked up this book thinking that you’re in a common law marriage: that although you never married, when you live with someone for a period of time, and especially have children, that’s as good as marriage and when you separate the outcome is also the same. The law doesn’t look at it this way – legally you don’t have the rights and responsibilities that married couples do (although the position in Scotland is different). For example, you can’t claim ongoing financial support from your ex-partner and, unless your name is on the deeds to your home, you may not be able to claim a share of it. But you can still find much of this book useful and children are treated the same whether you’re married or not. Chapter 4 may be the place to start finding out about cohabitation. A solicitor specialising in this area can give you more advice.
We urge you to make sure that everyone stays safe. A relationship breaking down can be the result of abuse or can be the trigger for abuse. In either case, your safety, your spouse’s safety and your children’s safety are paramount. Chapter 2 tells you how and where to find help when abuse is a risk in your household. Gone are the days when what went on in people’s homes was treated as their business alone. Nowadays the police treat all domestic violence as a crime and take it very seriously.
The end of your relationship can trigger overwhelming feelings, including grievances and fear that your security is ebbing away, and emotions can get out of control. Your children are likely to sense what’s going on around them even if your outbursts of anger don’t land directly on them. You can find crucial information about the steps to take to protect yourselves in Chapter 2.
Finding Your Way Through Your Divorce
After you’ve started the divorce ball rolling by informing your spouse, getting a full picture of your financial situation, and ascertaining what both your expectations are for your lives after the divorce, you and your spouse need to work out how you want to handle extricating your lives from each other. The serious stuff that you have to sort out falls broadly into these categories:
Your money, including salaries and pensions – and your debts
Your house, if you have one
Your possessions, including everything from your car to your CDs
Your children, if you have them
We go into detail on how to handle all these issues, though we don’t spend as much time on possessions (such as pictures and CDs). Dividing these items can feel like a sword in your soul but in the long run they are replaceable. You may also have other things of value, such as cars, a business or other properties. For the most part, anything owned by either or both of you before, during, or after your marriage (even an inheritance) can be viewed by the court as belonging to both of you and open to claim, so everything needs to be entered into the calculations. Chapter 3 helps you work out what you have and what you owe, and you can find advice on dividing possessions in Chapter 11.
Looking at your financial picture
When you come to sorting out your finances, you mustn’t look at each item in isolation. We discuss your salaries, pensions, houses, mortgages, assets, and debts under separate headings because differences apply to the options you have for sorting them out. But they aren’t actually separate issues when you look at them within your total financial situation. As you collect information about what you earn, own and owe, you’re going to build up a big picture of what comes in and what goes out and how that looks when you try to divide it. The information you find in Chapter 11 can help you understand your whole financial picture. Chapter 12 covers the issue of financial support for you and your spouse, including whether it’s an option in your situation and if so, who’s likely to pay it, and who’s likely to receive it (and how much).
Until 1995 divorcing spouses were unable to divide up their pension benefits. Your pension was your own, you earned it, and it didn’t belong to your spouse. The tables were most probably turned by the efforts of wives who had no pension in their own right (often because they gave up work to look after their children) and lost any future share of their husband’s pension on divorce. Since 1995, pensions could be ‘earmarked’ or ‘attached’ (a lump sum or income can be paid from your spouse’s pension, when in payment, to you) and from 2000 pensions can be calculated and shared at the time of your divorce. We describe your options in Chapter 11.
Keep these issues in mind when thinking about dividing up your finances:
Think about your future ability to pay for your house before deciding what to do with it.
Think about your future earning capacities before you do a deal over your pensions.
Remember to take your debts and commitments into consideration when you think about your current income.
Take time to weigh up the impact of your decisions on each other, on how much money you have coming in and on how much will be going out when you’re apart.
Chapters 7, 11, 14, 16, and 17 all have things to say about gathering up the different parts of your financial information and fitting them together to give you a clear picture of your situation – before and after your divorce.
If you end up with little money to live on after your divorce, you may be able to get government financial support in the form of welfare benefits and tax credits (see Chapters 7 and 15). You may also be eligible for public funding (previously known as legal aid) during your divorce. Chapter 15 tells you what it covers and how you qualify for it.
Caring for your children
If you have non-adult children, the end of your marriage is not the end of your family. Your young children may think of your ‘family’ as it was before you parted and may dream that you’re all still together even if they know that you aren’t. In the 1970s, most commentators thought that every divorce harmed a child. Since then hundreds of reputable pieces of research into the effects of divorce and separation on children have revealed that ‘it all depends’.
In essence, research suggests that your children are most at risk of lasting damage to their well-being, self-esteem, happiness and future prospects if you subject them to a lot of conflict – especially if you don’t resolve the conflict and your children think that it’s about them. If you and your spouse can co-operate, both keep in loving touch with your children, keep them informed appropriately about what’s happening, listen to them and continue to support them as well as you can financially and practically – despite your own distress – your children should do well. They aren’t going to be happy while things are changing – none of us likes change that’s out of our control – but they’ll grow through your divorce.
If you’re worried that your children are very confused, unhappy and torn between you and your spouse, you can suggest that they talk through your divorce with someone outside the home. Have a look at Chapter 8 for ways to help your children through your divorce. You can also find out about counselling and support groups for children by contacting your local Relate (www.relate.org.uk) or a local Family Mediation Service (www.nfm.org.uk).
Chapters 8, 10, and 13 give you lots of information to help you make decisions where your children are concerned. They also cover what you can do when you and your spouse aren’t able to manage things as you’d like to for your children and you end up going to court. In such circumstances, a Cafcass officer (the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) can help you and the judge to reach decisions about your children. (See Chapter 18 for how to handle taking your divorce through the court process.)
Children talking
As we say, how your children fare depends a lot on how you manage your divorce. Here are two contrasting examples of what children said about their new lives when asked about them in a study led by Carol Smart at the University of Manchester:
A 15-year-old girl living with her mother after her divorce said, ‘I have this image of really nice parents . . . but our family definitely isn’t like that. It’s stressful because nobody really gets on. . . .’ When describing that she lives with her mother and her mother’s new partner and their new baby, she says, ‘She doesn’t listen . . . he gets at me,’ and concludes, ‘it’s just like I’m a person who lives here . . . sort of like a tenant.’
In contrast, a boy of 8 said of his separated family: ‘Good fun . . . we laugh at quite a lot of things. We’ve got a new cat and a garden . . . Mum laughs more . . . it’s quite an ordinary family . . . it was good when they split up because they used to argue a lot . . . it’s better now, lots better . . . it’s nice to be with Mum and Mel and I get to see Daddy Pete in London and he phones us.’
Raising your children is expensive. Chapter 13 talks specifically about child support – but all the factors concerned with money and property have an impact on your children. Work to maximise what resources you have for their benefit instead of spending everything on fighting each other. Keeping their interests in mind throughout your divorce protects your children, as far as you can, from poverty.
Getting the help you need
You can choose to go through your divorce alone (see the section ‘Going it alone’ later in this chapter), but you don’t have to. Heaps of people are out there who can help you negotiate your way through it, including:
Relationship and other counsellors: Relationship counsellors don’t set out to ‘put you back together’ unless that’s what you both want. Accredited counsellors are very well trained and can guide and support you while you work out what you want to do individually about your relationship, work with you together to improve it, or support you after it’s ended. If you’re interested in trying counselling, or just finding out how a counsellor can help you, Chapter 2 tells you how.
Solicitors and barristers: Most family solicitors work to the Resolution (formerly the Solicitors Family Law Association) Code of Practice and are also guided by a Law Society protocol that strongly encourages a conciliatory approach. Furthermore, specialist family judges don’t appreciate combative solicitors and barristers in their courts. Chapters 15 and 17 help you to choose and work with your solicitor to achieve a fair and – as far as possible – even-tempered divorce and, if you have children, focusing on their needs. Chapter 15 also sets out the role of the Community Legal Service in helping you gain access to legal services and, if you’re eligible, fund your legal bills.
Your solicitor’s job is to be your personal legal adviser, and so you and your spouse need to have different solicitors representing you. He should also guide you through the steps you need to take, keeping in mind how you want to play things during your divorce. Your solicitor should give you the advice and information you need to make decisions about your future – but you make the decisions. He also acts as a signpost to other forms of help if you need it and, if necessary, prepares and supports you if your case comes to a full hearing. Chapter 18 talks you through what happens if you take your case to court.
Family mediators: A mediator’s job is to work with you together as a couple. The unique characteristic of mediation is that it can keep the lines of communication open between you. If you can still communicate with each other, you can then problem-solve together. You’re able to part on better terms if you work together than if you pull up the drawbridge and prepare the boiling oil.
Joint problem-solving not only cuts down your legal costs but, if you have children, it helps you continue to talk to each other as their parents. Bitter disputes about children can often be resolved in a single mediation session because you may hear your worst fears, such as ‘I’m afraid I’ll lose the children’, replicated in the words of your spouse. Chapter 16 tells you how mediators work, how they can help you, and when using them isn’t such a good idea. Mediation is effective in helping divorcing couples reach an agreement quickly and with a minimum of conflict.
Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (Cafcass) officers:
