Divorce For Dummies E-Book

John Ventura

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2009

Seitenzahl: 694

Beschreibung

Since Divorce For Dummies, 2nd Edition published in 2005, there have been considerable changes in collaborative divorces, common law marriages, same sex marriages, visitation, and even custody laws (from children to pets). Divorce For Dummies, 3rd Edition includes 25 percent new, revised, and refreshed material covering all of the above.

Leseprobe

Divorce For Dummies®, 3rd Edition

Table of Contents

Introduction

About This Book

Conventions Used in This Book

What You’re Not to Read

Foolish Assumptions

How This Book Is Organized

Part I: When Your Marriage Is on the Rocks

Part II: Getting Your Divorce Going

Part III: Deciding the Basic Issues in Your Divorce

Part IV: Working Out the Details of Your Divorce

Part V: After You’re Divorced: Avoiding Problems and Handling Challenges

Part VI: The Part of Tens

Icons Used in This Book

Where to Go from Here

Part I: When Your Marriage Is on the Rocks

Chapter 1: Divorce Fundamentals

Considering Whether You Have Cause for Concern

Getting Prepared Financially for a Divorce

Making It Official

Meeting the requirements

Filing a divorce petition

Deciding whether to file a fault divorce

Peering Into the Divorce Process

Deciding which path to take

Involving a divorce attorney

Exploring alternative ways to reach an agreement

Understanding the Basic Issues in a Divorce

So What’s All This Going to Cost?

The deciding factors for cost

The least it will cost

The most it will cost

Surviving the Emotional Roller Coaster

Chapter 2: Avoiding a Divorce

The Old-fashioned Alternative: Sticking It Out

Taking a short break from each other

Getting marriage counseling

Looking into mediation

When Living Apart Is a Better Option

Getting a Legal Annulment

Chapter 3: Getting Your Finances in Order

Getting Smart about Your Family’s Finances

Taking inventory

Other things you should know about your family’s finances

And now for a quick lesson in marital property law

Managing your financial future

Keeping Your Job Skills Up-to-Date

Building a Positive Credit History

Your credit history

Credit scores count

Establishing a credit history of your own

Chapter 4: Putting Your Marriage On Hold with a Separation

Weighing the Pros and Cons of Separating

Arguments for separating from your spouse

The drawbacks of separating

Initiating a Separation

Protecting Yourself When You Separate Informally

Formalizing a Legal Separation Agreement

Who should get a legal separation agreement?

What should be in a legal separation agreement?

Hang on to your liquid assets

Try the art of compromise

Be careful about what you sign

The financial benefits of having a legal separation agreement

Other things you should do when you’re separating legally

Following Separation Etiquette

If You Kiss and Make Up

Part II: Getting Your Divorce Going

Chapter 5: Taking the First Steps

Initiating the Divorce Proceedings

Filing a petition

Serving the papers

Processing the response

Discussing Your Decision with Your Spouse

Breaking the news gently

Waiting until your spouse is ready to begin negotiating

Keeping your cool if your spouse initiates the divorce

Planning for Life after Divorce

Evaluating your divorce goals and future financial needs

Pulling together all your financial information

Developing a budget for life after divorce

Open accounts in your own name

Close your joint accounts

Stash your important personal property

Protect your mutual assets

Identify sources of cash

Taking Action if Things Turn Violent

Important steps for addressing violence

Protecting yourself from a violent spouse

Increase your security with a safety plan

Chapter 6: Breaking the News to Your Kids

Breaking the News

Finding the Right Time to Talk with Your Children

Letting your older kids know sooner

Waiting to share the news with your younger ones

Deciding Whether to Tell Your Children Individually or All Together

Preparing for Your Children’s Responses

Calming your emotions

Fielding their questions

Helping Your Kids Cope over Time

Watching your own behavior around your children

Remaining sensitive to your children’s feelings

Being prepared for your children’s initial reactions

Chapter 7: Handling the Emotions of Divorce

Understanding the Stages of Grief

Shock and denial

Anger

Depression

Bargaining

Sorrow

Understanding and acceptance

Preventing Your Emotions from Taking Over

Dealing with the Response of Friends and Family

If your friends give you the brush-off

If your family disapproves of your divorce

If your kids enjoy a loving relationship with your in-laws

Part III: Deciding the Basic Issues in Your Divorce

Chapter 8: Dividing Your Assets and Your Debts

Categorizing Your Property

Distinguishing between tangible property and intangible property

Identifying separate property versus marital property

Detangling the confusion of commingled property

Assessing the Value of Your Assets

Divvying Up Your Assets

Doing the dividing yourself

Leaving the decisions to the legal experts

Deciding What to Do with Your Home

Finding out how much it’s worth

Evaluating your options

Dividing Your Retirement Benefits

Vesting and your rights

Valuing a defined contribution plan

Valuing a defined benefit plan

Parceling out those dollars

Social Security benefits you’re owed as a former spouse

Social Security survivor benefits

Getting Down to Business: What to Do with Your Joint Enterprise

Your options in a nutshell

Assigning a market value to the business

Dealing with Your Debts

Tips for avoiding trouble

Where the law stands on your debts

Chapter 9: Considering Spousal Support

The Times They Are a-Changing

Making a Case for Support

Agreeing on an Amount

Determining your fair share

Changing the amount later

Agreeing on a Payment Plan

Receiving support over time

Getting your support in a lump sum

Ensuring that the Payments Arrive

Preparing for Life after Spousal Support

Some Important Advice about Taxes

Chapter 10: Choosing the Best Custody Arrangement for Your Kids

Avoiding the Courtroom: The Benefits of Negotiating a Custody Arrangement

Your Custody Options in Brief

Consulting Your Kids

Taking a Closer Look at Shared Custody

Living arrangements

Benefits and pitfalls

Making shared custody work

Considering Split Custody

Understanding the Ins and Outs of Primary Custody

Visitation rights

Primary custody drawbacks

Making primary custody work

Tax Implications of Custody Decisions

Crafting a Parenting Plan

When You and Your Spouse Can’t Agree: Taking Your Case to Court

Preparing for the judge’s questions

Arming yourself for a custody battle

Realizing neither of you may get the kids

Making Visitation Arrangements

Making visitation an issue for the court

Burying the hatchet for your kids’ sake

Visiting with restrictions

Grandparents’ visitation rights

Chapter 11: Using Child Support to Provide For Your Children

Defining Child Support and Figuring Out Who Pays It

When one parent has primary custody

When parents share custody 50/50

When shared custody isn’t 50/50

Calculating and Paying the Child-Support Check

Taking state guidelines into account

Leaving special circumstances to the discretion of the court

Considering the payment method

Negotiating Your Own Agreement

Agreeing on how much is enough

Adjusting as your lives change

Being prepared for negotiating obstacles

Going Beyond Basic Child Support

Making your children your life insurance beneficiaries

Ensuring uninterrupted child support with disability insurance

Taking care of medical expenses

Funding a college education

Paying for life’s little extras

Making Sure You Receive the Support You’re Owed

Getting a court order from the get-go

Securing the payments with automatic wage withholding

Helping to ensure payments if your spouse is self-employed

Understanding What to Do and Not Do if You’re Paying Child Support

Knowing When Child Support Obligations Cease

Heeding Uncle Sam

Part IV: Working Out the Details of Your Divorce

Chapter 12: Negotiating Your Own Divorce

First, a Word of Caution

Being on Your Best Behavior

Preparing for the Process

Planning a method of negotiation

Choosing the right setting

Scheduling the time

Deciding on the order of business

Getting expert advice

Involving an Attorney

Getting some basic information

Hiring an attorney to review or draft your final agreement

Negotiating an Agreement Everyone Can Live With

Creating an agreeable custody arrangement

Calculating child support

Discussing the subject of spousal support

Dividing up your property and debts without a court battle

Deciding what to do about your home

Don’t overlook your income taxes

Getting to Closure

Chapter 13: Finding a Divorce Attorney

What to Look for in an Attorney

Appropriate skills and experience

Personal style

Affordability

Finding a Reputable Attorney (And Avoiding the Bad Ones)

Interviewing Potential Attorneys

Ask the important questions

Provide financial documentation

Answer the attorneys’ questions

Getting a Written Agreement

What If You’re Unhappy with Your Attorney?

What If You Can’t Afford Legal Help?

Try a legal clinic

Explore alternative ways to pay

Chapter 14: Working Hand in Hand with Your Attorney

Providing Your Attorney with Essential Information

Personal stuff

Legal and financial stuff

Other important stuff

Resolving Issues Temporarily

Using Discovery to Get at the Facts of Your Divorce

Uncovering facts with informal discovery

Using formal discovery to dig for details

Using Your Attorney to Work Out the Details of Your Divorce Agreement

Working out an agreement with the help of your attorney

Evaluating an offer or counteroffer from your spouse

Settling disputes at a settlement conference

Making a deal: The final settlement

Concluding Your Divorce: Filing the Divorce Decree

Chapter 15: Using Mediation to End Divorce Stalemates

Deciding Whether to Try Mediation

Considering the benefits of mediation

When mediation isn’t a great idea

Working with a Mediator

Selecting a great go-between

Knowing what to expect during mediation

How Your Attorney Can Help with Your Mediation

You’ve Got an Agreement! What’s Next?

Chapter 16: Letting a Judge or Jury Decide the Details of Your Divorce

Making Certain You Really Want a Trial

Weighing your options

Taking a financial hit

Deciding to Settle after Beginning Your Trial Preparations

Working Out Your Differences through a Pretrial Conference

Getting Ready for the Trial

Deciding on a courtroom strategy

Gathering in-depth information

Producing physical evidence

Calling all witnesses

Rehearsing for your big day (or days)

Remaining calm and collected

Understanding the Role of the Benchwarmers: Judges and Juries

Putting the decisions on one pair of shoulders: The judge

Asking a jury to make decisions

Glimpsing Life in the Courtroom

Following the Judgment

Putting the terms in writing

Tending to final details

Making an Appeal

Part V: After You’re Officially Divorced: Avoiding Problems and Handling Challenges

Chapter 17: Focusing on Your Postdivorce Financial Life

Abiding by Your Divorce Decree

Transferring assets

Paying off debts

Arranging for your own health insurance

Protecting your pension rights

Rethinking Your Estate Planning

If you don’t have a will, write one now

Considering other kinds of estate planning

Taking Charge of Your Finances

Enlisting financial professionals

Making sure you have the right insurance

Taking the Right Steps When Your Finances Are Falling Apart

Pay some bills and not others

Contact your creditors

Consolidate your debts

File for bankruptcy

Finding a Job or Landing a Better One

Going back to school

Looking for the right job

Chapter 18: Resolving the Stickiest Issues after Divorce

Your Ex-spouse Makes Seeing Your Kids Difficult (If Not Impossible)

Don’t retaliate by withholding payments

Do file a contempt of court complaint

The Child-Support Payments Don’t Arrive

Getting help from the Child Support Enforcement Program in your state

Hiring an attorney to collect your child support

Using a private child-support collection agency

Your Ex-spouse Skips Town

Your Ex-spouse Disappears with the Kids

Your Ex-spouse Owes You Spousal Support

Your Ex-spouse Doesn’t Live Up to the Terms of Your Property Agreement

Your Ex-spouse Files for Bankruptcy

Your Children Begin Having Emotional Problems

You Want to Make Some Changes to Your Divorce Agreement

Demonstrating a change in your circumstances

Securing a court order if you change your divorce agreement yourselves

Chapter 19: Putting Your Personal Life Back on Track

Handling Postdivorce Personal and Family Issues

Be easy on yourself

Take time to reflect on why your marriage failed

Spend time with people in your situation

Learn how to do it yourself at home

Devote more of your attention to your kids

Enjoy being with your kids even if you’re not the custodial parent

Redefine what it means to be a family

Building a Life for Yourself after Divorce

Create a social life for yourself

Start dating, but not too soon

Protecting Yourself if You Decide to Get Married Again

Get premarriage counseling

Prepare a prenup

Part VI: The Part of Tens

Chapter 20: Ten Divorce Blogs to Check Out

ABA Journal Family Law Blogs

Celebrity Blog

Daily Stories on Divorce and Family Law

Divorce Without Dishonor

Fathers’ Rights

First Wives World

Just Divorce

Life After Divorce: New Horizons

The Modern Woman’s Divorce Guide

Women’s Divorce

Chapter 21: Ten Ways to Help Your Kids Handle Your Divorce

Spend Time with Your Children

Speak Well of Their Other Parent

Don’t Cry on Their Shoulders

Come to an Agreement with Your Ex about Child-Rearing Basics

Make Your Children Feel Your Home Is Their Home

Don’t Put Your Kids in the Middle

Do What You Say You Will Do

Hold Off on Dating

Maintain Your Children’s Routines and Traditions

Don’t Become a “Super Parent”

Chapter 22: Ten Tips for Getting On with Your Life

Try Something New and Different

Share Your Feelings with a Friend

Record Your Thoughts in a Journal

Talk to a Therapist

Resist the Urge to Return to Your Ex

Focus on Your Job

Connect with Your Spiritual Side

Pay Down Your Debts

Live with a Roommate

Get Your Social Life Going Again

Divorce For Dummies®, 3rd Edition

by John Ventura and Mary Reed

Divorce For Dummies®, 3rd Edition

Published byWiley Publishing, Inc.111 River St.Hoboken, NJ 07030-5774www.wiley.com

Copyright © 2009 by Wiley Publishing, Inc., Indianapolis, Indiana

Published simultaneously in Canada

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About the Authors

John Ventura is an attorney and a nationally known authority and advocate on consumer law and financial issues. As a boy, he dreamed of becoming a Catholic priest so he could help others. To prepare for that career, he spent his high school years in a seminary. After graduation, John decided he could best pursue his dream by combining journalism with the law, so he earned a degree in both from the University of Houston.

Today, John is the Director of the Texas Consumer Complaint Center at the University of Houston Law School and an associate professor at the Law School. Prior to joining the Law School, John was the owner of four law offices in South Texas, where he provided bankruptcy services to consumers and small business owners and also worked in the area of consumer law. His goal as an attorney and as an author is to provide everyday people with the information and advice they need to make the laws work for them, not against them.

John has written 17 books on consumer and small-business legal and financial matters and is the author of Managing Debt For Dummies and Law For Dummies (Wiley). He has written for Home Office Computing and Small Business Computing magazines and for many years he wrote a regular column for a Texas business journal and hosted a weekly radio program on legal issues.

John has been quoted about consumer legal issues in a wide variety of publications including Newsweek, The Wall Street Journal, Money, Kiplinger’s Personal Finance Magazine, Black Enterprise, Inc., Bottom Line Personal, and Martha Stewart’s Living, among others. His advice has also been featured on such Web sites as MSNMoney.com, Bankrate.com, and Marketwatch.com. He has also been interviewed on MarketPlace Morning (American Public Radio), Morning Edition (NPR), CNN, CNBC, Bloomberg Television & Radio, the Fox News Channel, the Lifetime Network and numerous national and local radio programs.

Mary Reed writes about financial and legal issues affecting consumers and small-business owners. She coauthored Divorce For Dummies and Managing Debt For Dummies (Wiley), Good Advice for a Bad Economy (Berkley), and Stop Debt Collectors (Credit.com). She has ghostwritten 13 other books for consumers and small business owners and has also written for Good Housekeeping Magazine, Home Office Computing Magazine, Hispanic Business, as well as for several Texas newspapers.

Mary is the owner of Mary Reed Public Relations (MR•PR), an Austin, Texas-based marketing and public relations firm (www.get-your-messsage-out.com). She counts book publishers, attorneys, financial professionals, healthcare professionals, Web-based businesses, nonprofit organizations, retailers, and restaurants among her clients.

Prior to starting MR•PR, Mary was vice president of marketing for a national market research firm, public affairs and marketing director for a women’s healthcare and advocacy organization, public relations manager for Texas Monthly Magazine, and aide to an Austin City Council member. She also worked as a consultant to state and federal agencies while living in Cambridge, Massachusetts, and Washington, D.C.

In her free time, Mary enjoys being with her many friends and family, gardening, bike riding, reading, volunteering, and taking care of her cats.

Dedication

John’s Dedication

To Lisa Taylor, the best divorce attorney I know.

Mary’s Dedication

To my parents. Your words and deeds have taught me what a successful, happy marriage is all about and have provided me with a model to strive for. Thank you!

Authors' Acknowledgments

Thanks to Traci Cumbay, our project editor, for her help in reshaping the material in Divorce For Dummies, 3rd Edition. Her sense of humor made the editing process a pleasure and her suggestions have helped us make this edition of our book better than ever.

Publisher’s Acknowledgments

We’re proud of this book; please send us your comments through our Dummies online registration form located at http://dummies.custhelp.com. For other comments, please contact our Customer Care Department within the U.S. at 877-762-2974, outside the U.S. at 317-572-3993, or fax [phone].

Some of the people who helped bring this book to market include the following:

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Project Editor: Traci Cumbay

(Previous Edition: Alissa Schwipps)

Acquisitions Editor: Tracy Boggier

Copy Editor: Traci Cumbay

Assistant Editor: Erin Calligan Mooney

Editorial Program Coordinator: Joe Niesen

Technical Editor: Jacqueline Chosnek

Editorial Supervisor & Reprint Editor: Carmen Krikorian

Editorial Assistant: David Lutton, Jennette ElNaggar

Cover Photos: © Darren Greenwood

Cartoons: Rich Tennant (www.the5thwave.com)

Composition Services

Project Coordinator: Kristie Rees

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Publishing and Editorial for Consumer Dummies

Diane Graves Steele, Vice President and Publisher, Consumer Dummies

Kristin Ferguson-Wagstaffe, Product Development Director, Consumer Dummies

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Introduction

Nearly half of all marriages in the United States end in divorce. That adds up to more than a million divorces a year! Although you probably know at least one person who has gotten divorced, if your marriage is ending and you’re like most people in your same situation, you’re at a loss as to exactly what you should do first. That’s totally understandable; most of us get married believing we will live happily ever after.

Unfortunately, many divorcing spouses turn what could be an amicable breakup into a cutthroat, emotionally difficult, and expensive battle because they allow anger, hurt, and fear to take over. Some of them also panic about what’s happening to their marriage and make costly mistakes that affect their lives (and the lives of their young children) for years to come. They could have avoided those mistakes and minimized their emotional turmoil if they had had good information about the divorce laws in their state, knew more about their finances, and had received sensible advice about how to handle their emotions.

Getting divorced is almost never easy, but it doesn’t have to be about winners, losers, and huge legal bills. With the right information and advice (and the proper attitude), most couples can work out the terms of their divorce on their own or with the help of attorneys with a minimum of expenses, hassles, and emotional upheaval. In this book, we tell you how.

About This Book

Welcome to the third edition of Divorce For Dummies. Like the first two editions, this book guides you through the divorce process using plain English (and not a bunch of confusing legalese). Although most of the information and advice in the previous editions is in this edition, too, we’ve updated everything and added new features, so we think you will find the third edition of Divorce For Dummies better than ever.

One of the nice features of Divorce For Dummies, 3rd Edition, is that you get to decide where in the book you want to begin reading. We worked hard to make sure that you don’t need to have read (or remembered) the previous chapters if the information in one of the later chapters is what you most need at the moment. We define new terms wherever they show up or direct you to their definitions so that you’re never at a loss for information. In other words, this is a reference that you can jump into and out of at will whenever you have a question about divorce or that you can read from cover to cover.

Conventions Used in This Book

We use the following conventions throughout the text to make things consistent and easy to understand:

All Web addresses appear in monofont.

New terms appear in italic and are closely followed by an easy-to-understand definition.

Bold highlights the action parts of numbered steps and other important information you should know.

When this book was printed, some Web addresses may have needed to break across two lines of text. If that happened, rest assured that we haven’t put in any extra characters (such as hyphens) to indicate the break. So, when using one of these Web addresses, just type in exactly what you see in this book, as though the line break doesn’t exist.

What You’re Not to Read

We know that reading a whole book about divorce can be a pretty overwhelming proposition, so we’ve made it easier for you to use Divorce For Dummies by separating the stuff you really need to read from the information that may be interesting but isn’t essential. The shaded boxes of text called sidebars elaborate on information in the rest of the chapter, provide extra tips and advice, or highlight useful resources. You may want to return to this information after you have a clearer understanding of the basics of divorce and are ready to deepen your knowledge.

Foolish Assumptions

As we wrote this book, we made some assumptions about our readers. We imagine that you

Are either going through your first divorce or made a mess of your previous divorce and want to do a better job of ending your marriage this time

Don’t have a lot of experience with the legal system and may feel a little intimidated by attorneys, laws and legal terms, and judges

Haven’t been to law school and don’t read legal books for fun

Want to get divorced with a minimum of angst and expense

Want to protect your legal rights and get your fair share

Intend to make your divorce as easy as possible on your children

If our assumptions about you are right on the money, we’re sure that you’ll find this book to be a valuable resource. Although it can’t mend your broken heart or take away your pain and worry, Divorce For Dummies, 3rd Edition, can help you become more informed about divorce and give you more control over your life as you plan for the end of your marriage, go through the divorce process, and begin building a happy, fulfilling postdivorce life for yourself.

How This Book Is Organized

You can use Divorce For Dummies, 3rd Edition, in one of two ways: You can sit down and read it from cover to cover or pick it up when you want to read about a certain topic or need an answer to a question. For easy navigation, this book is organized into six parts; the following sections explain what information you can find where.

Part I: When Your Marriage Is on the Rocks

If you find your thoughts are increasingly turning divorce-ward, start here. This part gives you guidance for dealing with your marriage when it’s in serious trouble. To show you what may lie ahead, we introduce you to the key issues and decisions in divorce and provide an overview of the divorce process itself, whether you work out the terms of your divorce outside of court or go through a divorce trial. We review various alternatives to divorce and provide detailed information on getting separated, whether you separate in an effort to save your marriage or use the separation as a prelude to divorce. Dissolving a same-sex marriage brings unique problems, and we explain those in this part, as well.

Whether you want to stay married or plan to divorce, you need to become an informed manager of your finances, and this part shows you how. You find out about the kinds of financial skills you need, the various financial records and documents you should have access to and understand, and why — whatever the state of your marriage — you have to have a credit history in your own name and know how to build one. Finally, we offer advice and resources for maintaining your employability if you’re a stay-at-home spouse so that you can earn a good living after your marriage ends.

Part II: Getting Your Divorce Going

You’ve made the decision. Now what? Part II tells you how to initiate a divorce, with specific advice about how to break the news to your spouse. This part also helps you set your divorce goals and priorities and begin preparing financially for the end of your marriage. For those of you who anticipate a hostile divorce, we include a chapter that provides essential advice and guidance for protecting yourself financially and we give you the specific steps you should take to protect yourself and your children if your spouse becomes violent or threatens violence.

Getting divorced tends to stir up a lot of emotion, and so we include a chapter that discusses the kinds of emotions you may feel as you move through your divorce and offers suggestions for how to handle them. In addition, we provide advice for breaking the news about your divorce to your children, prepare you to answer the kinds of questions they’re likely to ask you about your divorce and give you suggestions for how you can help them cope with the effects of your divorce on their lives.

Part III: Deciding the Basic Issues in Your Divorce

You have some important and sometimes difficult decisions to make before your marriage can be officially over. For example, you and your spouse must decide how to divide the assets and the debts you acquired during your marriage. You also may need to decide about spousal support — whether you will receive it or pay it and how much the payments will be. If you and your spouse have young children, you must also figure out how to handle child custody and visitation and child support. This part of the book gives you the basic information you need to resolve these issues.

Part IV: Working Out the Details of Your Divorce

Working out the terms of your divorce on your own with your spouse, through mediation, or with the help of attorneys are much better options than going through a divorce trial. This part of the book prepares you for any of these options. We show you how to do your own negotiating, and we explain the benefits and the drawbacks of using mediation to help settle the issues in your divorce.

We also tell you how to locate an affordable divorce attorney, what you should expect from your attorney and what she expects from you, and we advise you about how you and your attorney can work together so that you end up with a good divorce agreement. In case you are headed for divorce court, the final chapter in this part tells you what to expect before, during, and immediately after your divorce trial.

Part V: After You’re Divorced: Avoiding Problems and Handling Challenges

After your divorce is over, you still have legal loose ends and paperwork to take care of and money matters to handle. For example, you’ll be totally in charge of your own finances, and so you’ll probably want to revise your estate plan, or prepare one for the first time, and if you have trouble meeting all of your financial obligations, you’ll have to figure out what to do. Plus, you may need to begin working outside your home for the first time or find a job that pays you more than you’re making now. This part of the book helps you handle all of these responsibilities.

But money isn’t the only part of your new life that requires attention. This part offers advice and guidance for how to get the emotional support you may need after your marriage has ended officially, how to begin having fun again, and how to rebuild a sense of family for yourself and your children. In addition, this part features a chapter to help you grapple with some of the most difficult problems that many people face after divorce, including problems with visitation, unpaid child support and/or spousal support, and emotionally troubled children.

Romance never dies, and so here we also offer advice for steps you can take if you marry again, like getting premarital counseling and preparing a prenuptial agreement.

Part VI: The Part of Tens

Within this part are short chapters full of quick and interesting tidbits you don’t find anywhere else. Here we tell you about useful and even amusing divorce blogs you may want to check out and offer advice on helping your kids cope with the aftermath of your divorce.

Icons Used in This Book

To make this book easier to read and simpler to use, we include icons that can help you find and fathom key ideas and information.

We use this icon to draw your attention to some of the more technical but very important financial details of getting a divorce.

This icon points out important information, details you’re likely to return to again and again.

We use this icon to draw your attention to aspects of divorce and family law that may differ from one U.S. state to another.

Anything especially useful that can save you time, money, or energy as you’re going through your divorce is highlighted with this icon.

Stop and read this information to steer clear of common divorce-related mistakes and pitfalls.

Where to Go from Here

If you have a specific divorce-related issue that you would like to know more about, check out this book’s table of contents or index to find out what to read. For example, if you’re particularly concerned about child custody and child support, start with Chapters 10 and 11, or if you’re worried about spousal support, turn to Chapter 9. If you would like to get an overview of the main issues in a divorce read Chapter 1. It introduces you to the key concepts and topics you find in Divorce For Dummies, 3rd Edition. And if you’re an overachiever or just particularly hungry for information about divorce, feel free to start with Chapter 1 and read right through to the index.

Part I

When Your Marriage Is on the Rocks

In this part . . .

Every marriage isn’t made in heaven. If you and your spouse are not living happily ever after and you think that your marriage may be ending, this part of the book provides you with a quick overview of divorce (and alternatives to it). It introduces you to the legal and financial issues that you and your spouse must resolve before your divorce can be official and the laws that apply to divorce, and it gives you an idea of the likely cost of your divorce. It also provides an overview of what you can expect if your divorce ends up in court.

Chapter 1

Divorce Fundamentals

In This Chapter

Figuring out your financial future

Beginning the divorce process

Knowing the steps in the divorce process

Resolving the basic issues in your divorce

Figuring out the financial costs of divorce

Getting through your emotions

The thought that a divorce is in your future may make your stomach churn and cause you to lie awake at night worrying about what the process will be like, especially if your only knowledge of the legal system comes from watching courtroom dramas on TV. Understandably, the prospect of dealing with lawyers, courts, and legal mumbo jumbo may intimidate you.

Like most people in your situation, you’re probably also concerned about what the divorce will do to your finances. You may worry about how much you’ll have to spend to get divorced and whether after your divorce is final you’ll have to pay every penny you earn on spousal support and/or child support (or whether you’ll receive enough spousal support or child support from your spouse). You may also lose sleep wondering about the kind of postdivorce lifestyle you will be able to afford.

And, if you have young children, you probably have worries about how your divorce will affect them. You’re right to be concerned because studies show that when parents don’t work together to make their children feel safe and to keep their lives as normal as possible during and after their divorce, the children are apt to suffer emotionally. Studies also show that these same children have difficulty establishing healthy relationships as adults.

After you read this book, you should sleep better at night and worry a little less because you’ll be armed with the information and advice you need to help you and your children get through your divorce and prepare for life afterward.

This chapter takes you through predivorce planning, provides a peek at the divorce process, and touches on the emotional aspects of divorce. In addition, we introduce you to some of the professionals you may need to call on to help with your divorce, explain the role that mediation may play in your divorce and discuss a relatively new, non-court process for ending your marriage called a collaborative divorce.

Considering Whether You Have Cause for Concern

If your marriage is going through tough times, you may find yourself wondering whether it’s an example of the “for better or for worse” your marriage vows mentioned or whether your relationship is truly on the rocks. Although no test exists that can tell you whether your problems are typical reactions to the stress and strain that most marriages experience at one time or another or whether they point to more serious issues, troubled marriages do tend to exhibit many of the same characteristics. How many of the following statements apply to your marriage?

In your mind, your spouse just can’t do anything right anymore.

You fight constantly.

You’ve lost the ability or the willingness to resolve your marital problems.

Resentment and contempt have replaced patience and love.

You’ve turned from lovers into roommates.

One or both of you is having an affair.

You go out of your way to avoid being together and, when you are together, you have nothing to talk about.

Your children are reacting to the stress in your marriage by fighting more, having difficulty in school, getting into trouble with the police, abusing drugs or alcohol, or becoming sexually promiscuous.

You have begun having thoughts about divorce.

Don’t panic if you find that your marriage exhibits some of these characteristics; you’re not necessarily headed for divorce court. However, you do have cause for concern; you and your spouse need to assess your options — first separately and then together — and decide what to do next.

You may be married without realizing it

In some states, you may be married in the eyes of the law if you live with someone long enough (although no state defines just how long “long enough” is) and meet other state criteria, like the two of you have been holding yourselves out as married, you file joint income taxes, or you have plans to marry eventually. Such an arrangement is called a common-law marriage and provides you and your common-law spouse all the same rights and obligations as any other couple in your state who were married formally in a civil or a religious ceremony. It also means that you must obtain a legal divorce in order to officially end your relationship.

The following states recognize common-law marriages:

Alabama

Colorado

District of Columbia

Georgia (Assuming a couple satisfied all the requirements for a common-law marriage before January 1, 1997.)

Idaho (Assuming a couple satisfied all the requirements for a common-law marriage before January 1, 1996.)

Iowa

Kansas

Montana

Ohio (Assuming a couple satisfied all the requirements for a common-law marriage before October 10, 1991.)

Oklahoma

Pennsylvania (Assuming a couple satisfied all the requirements for a common-law marriage before January 1, 2005.)

Rhode Island

South Carolina

Texas

Utah

Marital problems can trigger depression, feelings of vulnerability, powerlessness, and anger, as well as sleep disturbances, any of which can impede clear thinking and sound decision-making. A mental health professional can help you or your spouse deal with these problems so that you can move forward. If your spouse is struggling emotionally, suggest that he or she get mental health counseling, assuming that you think your spouse will be receptive to advice coming from you given the state of your marriage.

Getting Prepared Financially for a Divorce

Predivorce financial planning is essential to minimizing the cost of your divorce and increasing the likelihood that when your divorce is over, you have a settlement agreement that meets your short- and long-term postdivorce financial needs. (We discuss how to prepare yourself emotionally in the “Surviving the Emotional Roller Coaster” section, later in this chapter, as well as in Chapter 7.) The amount and type of planning you need to do depends on how involved you’ve been in managing your family’s financial life, whether you have a good credit history in your own name, and whether you have maintained a career outside your home during your marriage. See Chapter 3 for advice about evaluating your family’s finances.

If your spouse totally surprises you with plans for a divorce, predivorce planning may be impossible, especially if you’re clueless about your family’s finances. If that’s the case, your divorce teaches you a painful lesson: That not being an informed and active partner in your family’s financial life is risky because you’re at an immediate disadvantage if your marriage ends (or if you become widowed).

Ideally, before your divorce begins, you will have

Built a good credit history in your own name. In other words, all or most of your credit should not be joint credit — that is, credit that you share with your spouse. Without a solid credit history of your own, you will have a difficult time qualifying for credit that has affordable terms after your divorce. You may even have a difficult time qualifying for certain kinds of jobs or promotions because some employers check your credit history or credit score as part of their decision-making process. You may also have a difficult time renting a nice place to live because some landlords review their potential tenants’ credit histories or scores as part of their screening process. Finally, without good credit, you may not be able to obtain adequate insurance.

Cleaned up your credit history if the one you built in your own name was full of negatives. To improve your credit history, make all future credit payments on time, don’t go over your credit limits, and don’t take on new debt. Within a matter of months, your credit history should begin to improve.

Begun to update your job skills or to develop new ones if you’ve been a stay-at-home parent or a full-time homemaker during your marriage. In today’s economy, having the right job skills is critical to being competitive in the job market. You may have to return to school to get the skills that you need.

Considered taking a part-time or full-time job while you’re married. By taking a job while you’re married, you can begin adding recent work experience to your resume and begin building some professional relationships that may help you after you’re out of your marriage.

Gotten the information you need about financial issues. If you know next to nothing about money matters or feel that you need a refresher course, take a basic class in personal finance at your local college or university or through some other resource. Having the right money-related information and skills is essential to negotiating the financial aspects of your divorce and to managing your money wisely after you’re on your own.

Created a written inventory of all your family’s assets and assigned an approximate value to each one. Going into a divorce, a complete record of everything you and your spouse own is essential so that you know what assets you have to divide between the two of you. Without a record, you may overlook an asset and not get all that you’re entitled to in your divorce. When compiling your list, don’t worry about items of little value; instead, focus on financially significant assets like bank accounts, real estate, stocks, antiques, and so on.

When valuing each asset on your inventory, write down its market value — what the asset is worth now, meaning what someone would pay for it if you were selling it right now. Market value isn’t what you or your spouse paid for the asset when you first purchased it.

Inventoried all your family’s debts. Your inventory should note the name of each of your creditors and how much you owe each one. Creating an inventory of all your marital debts is just as important as inventorying all your marital assets because you have to divvy up those debts during your divorce negotiations, too.

Located all the ownership papers for your assets. These documents include

• Deeds to property

• Titles to vehicles

• Documentation for stocks, bonds, mutual funds, and other investments

• Life insurance policies

• Estate-planning documents that you and your spouse prepared

• Information about your respective retirement plans

You need these documents for two reasons. First, you need them to help determine the value of the assets that you and your spouse are dividing between yourselves. Second, after you’ve divided everything, you need the documents so that you can properly transfer the titles to you or your spouse, depending on who gets what. Without the titles to the assets you’re taking away from your marriage being transferred to you, you will not be their legal owner.

Obtained copies of important documents. Have on hand documents such as your family’s tax returns for the past five years and your real estate tax bills for the most current year. Also obtain a record of all your bank accounts — the accounts that you and your spouse share as well as your individual accounts — including the types of accounts, the financial institutions where the accounts are located, and the account numbers.

Have begun thinking about your postdivorce financial needs. Start figuring out how much money and which other assets you will need to live a financially secure life after your marriage ends. Consider what trade-offs you’re willing to make with your spouse to ensure that your needs are met.

Making It Official

Before your divorce can begin, you must take care of some preliminary divorce matters. For example, you must make certain that you meet the divorce requirements of the state where you want to get divorced. Also, you or your divorce attorney must file legal paperwork with the court to officially set your divorce in motion and you must decide whether you will file a no-fault or fault divorce, assuming fault divorces are permitted in the state where you’re divorcing.

If you don’t want to live with your spouse anymore, but you don’t want to get divorced, either, you and your spouse can separate. You can separate temporarily while you decide what to do about your relationship or you can make your separation permanent and finalize it with a legal separationagreement, which addresses the same kind of issues you would address in a divorce. We discuss the pros and cons of separation in Chapter 4.

Meeting the requirements

To get a divorce, you must meet certain minimum requirements set by your state. Although those requirements vary somewhat from state to state, the most common ones are

Residing in your state for a certain period of time. A handful of states have no residency requirement — your obvious destination for a “quickie divorce” — but most states require that one or both of you be a resident for a minimum amount of time before you can file a petition for divorce or before your divorce can be granted. Six months is the most common residency requirement, but some states’ requirements are weeks, months, or even a year. Some counties have their own residency requirements.

Getting divorced in the state where you live. You must get divorced in the state you call your permanent home — and not in the state where you got married.

Being separated. Before you can get a no-fault divorce, some states require that you live apart from your spouse for a certain period of time — six months to a year in most of these states, but as long as two to three years in some states. The theory behind this requirement is that you and your spouse may have a change of heart and reconcile. See Chapter 4 for information about legalizing a formal separation.

Filing a divorce petition

No matter what state you live in and regardless of whether you and your spouse agree that ending your marriage is for the best, your divorce officially begins when one of you files a divorce petition with the court in your area. If you and your spouse have already hired divorce attorneys, one of the attorneys files the divorce petition. (See the later section in this chapter, “Involving a divorce attorney,” as well as Chapters 13 and 14, for more information about working with a divorce attorney.) Otherwise, one of you can go to your local courthouse and file a divorce petition yourself.

After someone files a divorce petition, the nonfiling spouse is legally notified about the petition, which usually involves a sheriff or constable hand-delivering the notice, or the nonfiling spouse receiving the notice in the mail. If the nonfiling spouse disagrees with anything in the petition, such as the grounds for the divorce, the request by the filing spouse for sole custody of the couple’s children, and so on, he or she will file an answer with the court, stating his or her side of those issues.

Deciding whether to file a fault divorce

Depending on the state you live in, if you initiated your divorce, you must decide whether to file a fault or a no-fault divorce. As of this writing, about 70 percent of all states allow couples to get either an old-fashioned fault divorce or a no-fault divorce, which is a kinder, simpler type of divorce.

When you file a fault divorce, you must provide a very specific reason, or grounds, for wanting to end your marriage. In other words, you must accuse your spouse of some sort of unacceptable behavior, such as adultery, physical abuse, mental cruelty, drunkenness, drug addiction, or insanity. Depending on your state, you may also be able to get a fault divorce if your spouse has been in prison for a minimum period of time or has deserted your marriage.

When you allege fault, you must also prove that the grounds actually exist. Proving fault may involve having a friend or relative who witnessed your spouse’s bad behavior testify to it, hiring a detective to document your spouse’s bad behavior on video, or something else. Although a fault divorce can provide the grist for a lurid soap opera, some spouses feel that the drama is worth it because if they can prove that what they allege about their partner is true, they may be able to get a better divorce settlement.

Breaking up can be hard to do for same-sex married couples

Many married gay couples face a mountain of hurdles when their relationships go south and they decide to divorce. For example, some of them have difficulty finding attorneys to represent them who understand how to apply existing laws to the issues in their divorce. Also, because divorce-related laws aren’t always clear when it comes to same-sex marriages, it’s not unusual for married gay couples to have to resolve some of the issues in their divorce through litigation rather than negotiation.

Massachusetts has allowed homosexuals to marry since 2004, and California began allowing same-sex marriages in 2008 (but in November of that year, voters in the state passed Proposition 8, which rescinded the right of same-sex partners to marry). Same-sex spouses who married in Massachusetts or California but reside in one of the 43 states where the law doesn’t recognize their marriage or where the law is silent on the issue of same-sex marriages face other hurdles when their marriages hit the skids. Because their state of residence doesn’t recognize their marriage, they must get divorced in the state where they were married, which means that they must meet that other state’s divorce requirements, including living in the state for a certain period of time. (The residency requirement in Massachusetts is one year; in California it’s six months.) This requirement poses economic not to mention logistical problems for many same sex couples who want to end their marriages. In fact, some of these couples have had to stay married. Others have taken legal action to try to force their home states to let them divorce there. To date, the results have been mixed, with a Rhode Island court prohibiting a lesbian couple who married in Massachusetts from divorcing in Rhode Island and a New York State court allowing a lesbian couple who married in Canada to divorce in New York. That ruling was the first of its kind.

Currently, all states recognize some form of no-fault divorce. If you opt for this kind of divorce, you don’t have to prove that your spouse did anything to cause you to seek a divorce. Instead, all you really need to do is acknowledge that things “just didn’t work out” between the two of you. Common grounds for obtaining a no-fault divorce include “incompatibility,” “irretrievable breakdown,” or “irreconcilable differences.” Because you don’t need to prove fault, this kind of divorce is usually less expensive, quicker to complete, and easier on spouses and their children than most fault divorces. As a result, no-fault divorces are much more frequent than fault divorces.

Fault used to play a major role in decisions about spousal support (or alimony), but many states no longer consider that factor. About half the states consider fault when dividing up a couple’s property. In those states, fault has an impact on the final details of a couple’s divorce, including the amount the spouse who’s not at fault eventually receives in the divorce settlement. To find out whether your state permits fault divorces, call your local or state bar association or a divorce attorney in your area.

Peering Into the Divorce Process

Although the ultimate goal of every divorce is to end a marriage, divorcing couples achieve that goal by heading down one of three paths. For example, some spouses work together to define the terms of their divorce because they want the process to be as quick, easy, and inexpensive as possible. They may or may not hire attorneys to help them. Other couples are unable or unwilling to cooperate with one another and as a result, their divorce goes down a path that is characterized by conflict, anger, and a big price tag. The most difficult path a divorce can go down is the one that ends with a divorce trial. This kind of divorce is emotionally draining, time consuming, and very expensive.

If you and your spouse have been married for a very brief amount of time, have no young children from your relationship, and have amassed little or no marital property and debt, your state may have an abbreviated divorce process for which you qualify. To find out whether your state has such a process and the criteria you must meet to use it, contact your state or local bar association or a family law attorney.

Deciding which path to take

Just which path your divorce takes is up to you and your spouse. Your basic options include

A cooperative divorce

An uncooperative divorce

A courtroom divorce

Sometimes a divorce that begins amicably can turn nasty and difficult. For example, initially you and your spouse may try to work out the terms of your divorce together on a friendly basis, but then one of you may become upset and the two of you stop trying to cooperate with one another. If this happens in your divorce and you and your spouse are working with attorneys, they may eventually succeed in negotiating a divorce agreement that the two of you are willing to live with; however, if your emotions are running high and you and your spouse are unwilling to compromise on one or more issues, your divorce may head to court, although the majority of divorces — even extremely contentious ones — get settled outside of court eventually. The following sections describe each divorce path in greater detail.

A cooperative divorce

A cooperative divorce is easiest on your pocketbook, your emotions, and on your young children. In this type of divorce, you or your spouse file a no-fault divorce petition, and the two of you work out the terms of your divorce together. (Chapter 12 provides negotiating tips.) When you’ve decided everything, one of you files your final divorce decree. You can also achieve a cooperative divorce if you both hire attorneys to help with the negotiations but stay committed to keeping things friendly. (You and your spouse cannot share an attorney. You both need your own.)

One way to have a cooperative divorce is to end your marriage by using the collaborative divorce process. This process is a relatively new option for divorcing couples, and it’s not currently available in all states. We provide an explanation of the collaborative divorce process later in this chapter.

After you and your spouse have a divorce agreement that both parties feel is fair (with or without the help of attorneys), the spouse who initiated your divorce by filing a divorce petition, or one of your attorneys if you’re working with attorneys, files the agreement with the court. The spouse who initiated the divorce may have to make a brief court appearance. Soon after, your divorce becomes official. From start to finish, a cooperative divorce happens relatively quickly because you and your spouse work together toward the same goal and as a result, your divorce involves less bureaucratic red tape, fewer legal procedures, and less paperwork.

An uncooperative divorce

An uncooperative divorce occurs when you and your spouse can’t agree on all the key issues in your divorce. For example, you want sole custody of your kids, but your spouse wants to share custody. Or you want to keep the house but your spouse wants to sell it. Usually the only chance spouses involved in this kind of divorce have to end their marriage is to hire attorneys to handle the negotiations and the legal paperwork for them. An uncooperative divorce tends to take longer than a cooperative divorce, costs a whole lot more, especially if it leads to a trial, and is harder on everyone’s emotions.

You may be able to avoid a trial by resolving your differences through a dispute-resolution technique such as mediation (discussed in Chapter 15). In fact, in many states, you will not be able to get a court date until you have tried mediation.

A courtroom divorce

A courtroomdivorce (see Chapter 16) is an extreme version of an uncooperative divorce and tends to be much more contentious, emotional, time-consuming, and expensive than a divorce decided outside of court because it involves a lot more legal paperwork and red tape and much more of your attorney’s time. Your divorce goes to court when you and your spouse are unable to resolve all the terms of your divorce; either a family law judge or a jury decides how to handle all the outstanding issues.

Although taking your divorce to court may be unavoidable in your situation, it’s risky because no matter how much time a judge or jury spends trying to understand your marriage, they can never have a complete grasp of its intricacies, the needs of your children, and so on. Also, although we like to think that all judges (and juries) decide legal issues with unbiased minds, the truth is that sometimes their own prejudices, preferences, and real-life experiences color their decisions. For example, maybe the judge’s daughter is a single, divorced mom who struggles to make ends meet because her ex-spouse doesn’t meet his support obligations, or maybe the judge has recently gone through a divorce and feels like he or she was “taken to the cleaners.” As a result, neither you nor your spouse may be happy with the outcome of your trial. In fact, research shows that spouses who resolve the issues in their divorce through a trial are less likely to be happy with the final outcome of their divorce and less committed to making the terms of their divorce work than couples who work out the details of their divorce outside of court.

A courtroom divorce can exhaust you emotionally and financially, and it can create so much animosity between you and your spouse that years pass before it abates. If you and your spouse have young children together, this animosity can be a serious problem because your anger toward one another may seriously harm their short- and long-term emotional well-being. Also, don’t forget that if you both want to be actively involved in their lives after your divorce, you will run into one another at their after-school games, recitals, graduations, weddings, and so on. The last thing you want is for your estrangement with your ex-spouse to overshadow or color the important events in your children’s lives.