Divorcing a Narcissist E-Book

Dr Supriya McKenna

• Herausgeber: Bath Publishing
• Kategorie: Fachliteratur
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 633

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2021

Beschreibung

Karin Walker and Dr Supriya McKenna team up to explain why separating from or divorcing a narcissist is a hugely difficult, draining experience, but one which follows predictable patterns. This book will will help you recognise narcissistic behaviour, prime you on what challenges lie ahead and provide practical insights and information on how to survive the process emotionally, financially and legally. You will be supported step by step through the legal process as well as through the difficult emotional journey that lies ahead, and shown how to work with your legal team to limit the damage caused by an aggrieved, hostile narcissistic ex.

Leseprobe

Published February 2021

ISBN 978-1-9163023-6-5

Text © Supriya McKenna and Karin Walker

Typography © Bath Publishing

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any material form (including photocopying or storing it in any medium by electronic means and whether or not transiently or incidentally to some other use of this publication) without the written permission of the copyright holders except in accordance with the provisions of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 or under the terms of a licence issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency (www.cla.co.uk). Applications for the copyright owner’s written permission to reproduce any part of this publication should be addressed to the publisher.

Supriya McKenna and Karin Walker assert their rights as set out in ss77 and 78 of the Copyright Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the authors of this work wherever it is published commercially and whenever any adaptation of this work is published or produced including any sound recordings or films made of or based upon this work.

The information presented in this work is accurate and current as at 1 February 2021 to the best knowledge of the authors. The authors and the publisher, however, make no guarantee as to, and assume no responsibility for, the correctness or sufficiency of such information or recommendation. The contents of this book are not intended as legal advice and should not be treated as such.

Bath Publishing Limited27 Charmouth RoadBathBA1 3LJTel: 01225 577810email: [email protected]

Bath Publishing is a company registered in England: 5209173

Registered Office: As above

Dedications

Supriya

For Michelle Coleman, for 35 years of unparalleled hilarity and friendship.

Also for Querinthophorez

and

In loving memory of my mother, Shashi Kanta Nahan.

Karin

For my family and friends.

“There is no greater joy, nor greater reward than to make a fundamental difference in someone’s life.”(Mary Rose McGeady)

“One person can make a difference, and everyone should try.” (John F. Kennedy)

Also from Bath Publishing

Narcissism and Family Law

A Practitioner's Guide

Order the companion guide for practitioners from bathpublishing.com/collections/family.

Narcissism and Family Law: A Practitioner’s Guide will help lawyers spot when they are dealing with a narcissist, whether they are their client or on the other side, and sets out innumerable practical insights and tips for how lawyers can moderate the effects of their behaviour. Divorce cases involving narcissists get messy, combative and costly so the advice set out in these pages could save the lawyer and their client months of angst and unrewarding effort and help to keep costs proportionate.

About the authors

Dr Supriya McKenna

Supriya started her career as a family doctor (GP) and magazine health writer in the UK. Having developed an interest in the field of narcissism, she now works as an educator, writer, coach and mentor in this area. She advises professionals dealing with clients who have been affected by narcissistic individuals, and also works directly with those who have fallen victim to narcissistic abuse, including in the area of separation and divorce. She has hands-on experience of the UK Family Court system, and is committed to raising awareness of personality disordered individuals in society at large, in order to minimise the adverse impact they can have on those around them, and to empower victims to break the generational chains of narcissistic abuse.

Supriya is a moderately accomplished singer, an amateur poet, a dog lover and proud mother. She adores the great British countryside, beautiful landscapes and excellent architecture.

Karin Walker

Karin is a solicitor, mediator, arbitrator (finance and children) and a collaborative practitioner. She founded KGW Family Law, based in Woking, UK, in 2012, where her objective remains to guide clients towards the best possible solution that places family first.

Karin is recognised by both the Legal 500 and Chambers and Partners as a leader in her field. She regularly writes on the subject of family law, speaks nationally and internationally on all aspects of family law and has made appearances in the national press and on television. She was an elected member of the Resolution National Committee and chair of the Resolution DR committee from 2014 to 2017.

Karin is married with two children and two grandchildren. She is a Liveryman of the Worshipful Company of Arbitrators and a Trustee of Guildford Shakespeare Company. She enjoys gardening, running, walking her dog and spending time with her family and friends.

Supriya and Karin have also co-written a companion book for legal practitioners – Narcissism and Family Law: A Practitioner’s Guide.

Contents

About the authors

Introduction

Chapter 1: Is my partner a narcissist?

First, let’s talk about you

What is a narcissist?

How common is NPD?

Is narcissism on the increase?

How does one ‘get’ Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

The crux of the matter – narcissistic supply and the False Self

What does a narcissist look like in daily life?

Chapter 2: A deeper look at the narcissist’s behaviours

First, let’s talk about you

The narcissist’s playbook

The cycle of ‘idealise’ and ‘devalue’

Hoovering

Rage

Shallowness of emotions

Jealousy

Being above the laws and rules

Violating boundaries

Passive aggression

Blameshifting

Lying

Fluctuating morals, impaired conscience and inability to feel guilt

Narcissistic pseudologic and word salad

Difficulty being alone

‘Gas-lighting’

Projection

Lack of empathy

Sense of entitlement

Exploiting others

The need to control

Toxic positivity

Selfishness

The narcissist’s experience of ‘love’

Living in the ‘drama triangle’ – the narcissist’s home

The dropping of the mask

Chapter 3: Why me?

Who do narcissists target?

Am I a narcissist? The spectrum of narcissism

Am I a Closet Narcissist?

Chapter 4: The narcissist and their children

First, let’s talk about you

How the narcissist behaves towards their children

Narcissists view children as extensions of themselves

Conditional love

Narcissists have a sense of entitlement

How the narcissist uses their children as weapons

Badmouthing

Issues regarding where the children live

The golden child, the scapegoat and the invisible child

Narcissistic mothers

The long-term effects of narcissistic parenting

What can the non-narcissistic parent do to limit the damage to the children by the narcissist?

Parenting with a narcissistic parent after divorce or separation

Chapter 5: Deciding to leave

First, let’s talk about you

Choosing to stay

How the narcissist will react when you tell them that you are leaving

Chapter 6: Practical early steps to take

First, let’s talk about you

Who stays in the family home?

Important early steps to take when separating from a narcissist

Chapter 7: Early legal considerations

Finding a lawyer

The first consultation

Barrister or solicitor?

Representing yourself without a lawyer

Understanding the divorce process

Defending divorce proceedings

The importance of pronouncement of Decree Nisi

Should you be the Petitioner or Respondent?

Divorce is a ‘non fault based’ system

Costs of the Decree (Divorce) Proceedings

The Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM)

Out of court methods of dispute resolution

A brief look at the standard court method of financial dispute resolution

A brief look at the court method of dealing with issues relating to the children

Chapter 8: Narcissistic divorce behaviours

Case History – Martin

Case History – Annie

Common narcissistic behaviours in divorce

Chapter 9: Communicating with the narcissist

The ‘Grey rock technique’

How to manage the narcissist’s written communications

Formulating your reply

Some other things to consider when trying to communicate with a narcissist

Advice for your solicitor when communicating with the narcissist’s solicitor

Chapter 10: The Court Process

The Form E

The questionnaire

The FDA

Answering the questionnaire and complying with other directions

The FDRA

Points to consider before and during negotiations

The Final Hearing

The court process in Children Act proceedings

The weaknesses of the court system

Chapter 11: Post-divorce

Post-divorce abuse

The narcissist’s harem

The narcissist’s children and you

Parental alienation

Parental responsibility

Parallel parenting

The child arrangements plan

Preventing the children from getting caught up in parental conflict

Chapter 12: Practical tips for coping

First, let’s talk about you

Dealing with thoughts about the narcissist

Dealing with fear about the future

Self-nurturing

The Last Word

Glossary

Further reading

Index

Introduction

Divorcing a narcissist may well be one of the most traumatic processes a person can experience. It is fraught with difficulties. At a time when you are dealing with the trauma of the breakdown of your relationship, and coming to terms with the sad realities of what that relationship really was, you are also being subjected to the most horrific, seemingly relentless, abuse at the hands of the narcissist through the divorce process itself.

The person you truly believed loved you, and who you loved (and perhaps still do), will turn on you with alarming venom. You will be left reeling in shock at how anyone, let alone someone with whom you shared a relationship and maybe even children, could be so cruel. You may be waiting for the punishment to end, for your narcissistic ex-partner to finally see the error of their ways, and become more reasonable. Perhaps even for them to become your friend, once the dust has settled. But there is little point trying to sugarcoat this – you will be waiting indefinitely. In cases involving a narcissist, acceptance of the situation rather than hope that it will change, is the only way to move forward.

You may not have heard of Narcissistic Personality Disorder until recently. Perhaps a confused internet search, as a result of the odd behaviours or abuse you were enduring, first brought up the term. Maybe it was a friend, a therapist, or even your divorce lawyer who tentatively made the suggestion to you. If so, please understand that even just grappling to come to terms with the fact that your partner is a narcissist is a huge struggle. But doing it whilst separating or divorcing can be incomprehensibly difficult. And, frankly, it is made much worse by the fact that hardly anyone you know will believe what you are experiencing. Narcissists, by their very definition, are charming, affable and plausible; but these traits, although highly convincing to those who don’t know them well, are merely skin deep.

If you are divorcing a narcissist, you will need to be prepared for what is to come. You will feel isolated. You will be shamed for your over the top reaction to the split. You will be blamed for the acrimony. You will be told by well meaning but ignorant people that you are just upset, that you should not label others, that there are always two sides to every story. You will be badmouthed by your narcissistic ex to all who will listen, including work colleagues, and maybe even your own children. You will be stunned at how low the narcissistic individual will stoop with baseless accusations and frank lies. You will lose friends, and even family, as people side with your narcissistic former partner, taken in by stories of victimhood, with you painted as the perpetrator. You may be stalked, bugged, or receive threats of financial and social ruin (threats which may turn out not to be empty). When you need support the most, you will be abandoned, by all but your truest friends. And, to add to the confusion, you may then be sucked back into the relationship as the narcissistic individual turns on the charm and lays themselves at your feet once more, with shallow promises of change and undying love. Sad to say, this is merely run of the mill in divorces involving narcissists.

Here in the UK, as in much of the world, we are led by the US in terms of concept recognition. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is only now properly becoming recognised in the UK as a personality disorder, and we still have a long way to go. Even doctors, psychiatrists and psychologists may be untrained in this particular personality disorder and unaware of the profoundly negative impact it has on the lives of those who orbit the narcissist and on society at large. If these mental health professionals don’t yet fully grasp the concept, what hope do the general public have of understanding it? And, indeed, what hope does your divorce lawyer have?

Narcissistic personality disorder results, ultimately, in unsatisfactory relationships. Divorce rates are very high in this group, but although some narcissistic relationships are short term, it can also take decades for the spouse of the narcissist to finally see the limitations of their marriage and pluck up the courage to leave. Most importantly, a good percentage of cases which may be seen as simply ‘high conflict’ by divorce lawyers actually involve a narcissistically disordered person. Understanding the mindset of the narcissist enables you, as their former partner, to predict challenging behaviours, and therefore pre-empt them with effective strategies, in conjunction with a lawyer who is similarly well informed.

All narcissists have the same fundamental core issues and, although those with the disorder are infinitely different, as all humans are, they all behave in the same ways in certain situations. And the good news for you is that divorce is one such situation. Your narcissistic spouse will behave badly – very badly indeed, in fact. But they will behave predictably badly. And, in the words of Louis Pasteur, “Chance favours the prepared mind”.

The purpose of this book is to get you through the process of separation and divorce with a narcissist with the least possible fallout. We help you navigate the legal system, with sound, practical information. We put you in the driving seat of your divorce, as far as possible, and prepare you for what may well be the biggest battle of your life. We wish to pre-empt for you what is to come, and to explain it, so that you are empowered to act in your own interests and in the interests of your children. We hope to remove the fear that the narcissist will instil in you, and help you to make rational decisions from a calm and logical place. We will try to manage your expectations of what can be achieved and how, and teach you how best to communicate with your narcissistic ex partner, both through the divorce and afterwards, if that is necessary at all. We hope to help you understand what lies at the root of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, so that you can understand the behaviours of the narcissist and what it is that you went through in your relationship. And lastly, we hope to take you onwards to the next chapter of your life – which, right now, may seem frighteningly blank – with hope, optimism, strong boundaries and fortitude.

But what if you are completely new to this strange world of personality disorders, and are wondering whether this book is even relevant to your situation? We aim to help you with that confusion and guide you, step by step, towards understanding narcissism, so that you can decide whether it applies to your spouse or not.

This book is designed as a companion guide to Narcissism and Family Law – A Practitioner’s Guide for legal practitioners. It is absolutely critical that your legal team understands what they are dealing with if they are to avoid unwittingly becoming the instruments of your narcissistic partner’s abuse. If they are not already very well versed in the specifics of NPD (and at the time of writing, most are not), please do lead them to this companion book. And if they are not willing to learn about what you are up against, in their own time (you should not be paying an hourly rate for your lawyer to be educated on this matter), then find one who is.

In cases like these, your lawyer needs to be your closest ally. They need to have empathy. They need to believe you. And they need to have the humility to be willing to learn. This cannot be emphasised enough. In this book, we give you tips to help you to find the right lawyer for you.

If this is the first you’ve heard of NPD, you may be wondering why NPD is not well recognised in the UK and why we lag behind our American counterparts in this area, both in the medical profession and in the law.

The International Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems, Tenth Edition (ICD-10) is a large tome. In healthcare settings, this is the book used as the gold standard for medical diagnoses in the UK. At this point in time, what the Americans separately categorise as ‘Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)’ only gets a brief mention in ICD-10. It falls into the ‘Other Specific Personality Disorders’ section, mentioned in only one word. So it’s there, named, and nodded to for completeness, but without any detail. NPD is potentially further lost in translation in the upcoming new edition, ICD-11 (which comes into force in 2022). Here, all personality disorders are re-classified into a single diagnosis of ‘Personality Disorder’ which may be mild, moderate or severe. In other words, NPD is not specifically defined in ICD-11, although it fits the criteria as a personality disorder. The real world impact of this remains to be seen.

“Your lawyer needs to be your closest ally. They need to have empathy. They need to believe you. And they need to have the humility to be willing to learn.”

However, over in the USA, the DSM-5 (the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition) is the authoritative guide to the diagnosis of mental disorders. In this manual, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is described in some detail as one of ten distinct diagnosable personality disorders.

It is clear that ‘narcissists’ (correctly meaning those exhibiting behaviours consistent with Narcissistic Personality Disorder) exist on our shores as well as in the USA – and recognising their well defined patterns of behaviour will be of great help in your divorce if you are married to one.

Of course, it is not your job nor your lawyer’s job to ‘diagnose’ NPD, and nor should it be. Many people, understandably, also feel uncomfortable with the concept of ‘labelling’ when it comes to situations such as these. However, those with NPD exhibit exact, clear, repeatable, defined behaviours which are consistent and predictable. These behaviours, particularly through divorce proceedings and child residency issues, cause mayhem. By their adversarial nature, family courts are a playground for those with NPD, providing fuel for such behaviours.

Whether one feels comfortable using a label of NPD or not, the behaviours are occurring regardless. It is not necessary to acknowledge the label of NPD, if you feel it is unhelpful. But we do suggest that by acknowledging the patterns of behaviour, you will be able to approach resulting issues with helpful targeted precision. We also respectfully request that you accept that we will be using the medical terminology of ‘Narcissistic Personality Disorder’ as well as the terms ‘narcissist’, ‘narcissistic adaptation’ and ‘narcissism’ throughout this book as shorthand for the behaviours we ask you to recognise. For us, there is no judgement implied in using these terms.

Put another way, in spite of the shorthand, we are not confining people to a label. Individuals are as richly infinite in personality as the number of ways musical notes can be combined to form a symphony; we are simply pointing out recurring behaviours, in much the same way as a musician would recognise repeating themes that occur within different musical works. Every person is a symphony, uniquely original, narcissistic or not.

It’s also worth being aware that as mere humans, people who encounter these types will invariably find them infuriating, especially in the context of divorce or separation. We are all guilty of labelling people in these circumstances; it is easy in our minds to label them as ‘difficult’, ‘mad’, ‘nasty’, or worse. We suggest that rather than reflexly making these unflattering judgements, it would fairer, more accurate and infinitely more helpful to all involved to use the correct terminology.

We wish you all the best in navigating these tricky waters if you are divorcing a narcissist. Although we cannot be with you in person, we want you to know that we are with you in spirit, all the way. We hope this book brings you information, courage and strength.

Dr Supriya McKenna

Karin Walker

A Narcissist’s Prayer

That didn’t happen.

And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.

And if it was, that’s not a big deal.

And if it is, it’s not my fault.

And if it was, I didn’t mean it.

And if I did,

You deserved it.

Anonymous

1 Is my partner a narcissist?

“The acknowledgement of a single possibility can change everything.”(Aberjhani)

This book is written for those divorcing or separating from narcissists, so it stands to reason that, first, you have to be sure that it is actually a narcissist that you are dealing with. But recognising that you have been narcissistically abused may not be quite as easy as it sounds. Narcissistic abuse is mostly covert emotional abuse – subjectively difficult to spot and hard to quantify. Physical abuse, which may also be a feature of narcissistic behaviours is, at least, pretty easy to label by friends and relatives as being wrong, even if it’s hard for the victim to be objective.

But before we talk about narcissists and how to identify them, we need to briefly focus on you, something which many victims of narcissistic abuse aren’t so good at doing, as they’ve been so focused instead on meeting the needs of their narcissistic partner.

First, let’s talk about you

If you are dealing with a breakdown of a narcissistic relationship, you will have been subjected to abuse for some time, the full extent of which you may not realise to begin with. Narcissists don’t look like your average cartoon villain, nor the devil incarnate, and they are not always easy to spot. Abuse usually starts slowly, perhaps with small jibes or put downs, and the volume is turned up little by little – so slowly, in fact, that you do not notice it. A victim of narcissistic abuse is the proverbial frog in the pot of hot water, staying in the water as the temperature is slowly increased, becoming tolerant of the heat, and so not jumping out, even when the water starts to boil.

You will have to look deeply into your history with your partner, and view it objectively. And you will have to be aware that any abuse you have endured will have affected you in ways that make it difficult to accurately objectively assess your situation. It is usual for victims of narcissistic abuse to be surprised when they realise that their partner is a narcissist – but inevitably, when they are able to look back in the cold light of day, they see that the warning signs had been there all along. It can take a long time to reconcile the two different versions of your reality that you may have been recently starting to notice.

Why is it so difficult to know whether you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist?

1. Cognitive dissonance

If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist, you will have experienced a psychological phenomenon called cognitive dissonance, and may well still be experiencing it now. This cognitive dissonance is another big reason why you may find yourself confused about what you have been through, and unsure if your other half is a narcissist. Essentially, cognitive dissonance is when the brain is trying to hold two opposing beliefs at the same time. For example, “My partner loves me because they buy me flowers every week and tells me that I am the only one they could ever love” would be Belief A. But if this person was also being cheated on by their spouse, then Belief B, “My partner keeps having affairs and so cannot really love me”, would be competing with Belief A. The brain finds this very uncomfortable to deal with, and it looks for ways to resolve the psychological discomfort. It has a few options to choose from:

Denial. Here the brain simply tunes out from the belief it doesn’t like, by denying that it ever happened (“He didn’t really ever cheat on me – I believe what he says. He loves me”). Here Belief A has won.

Minimising. (“He cheated on me, but that’s not so bad – all men cheat. He loves me”). Again, Belief A has won.

Justification. Here the brain accepts that the unwanted thing happened, but justifies it, so that it is not an issue and it doesn’t compete with the other belief (“He cheated on me, but it was my fault, because I had been distant due to my mother’s illness. He still loves me”). Belief A has won again.

Acceptance/powerlessness. (“He has cheated on me and he doesn’t love me, but I am powerless to leave because the children are young”). Here Belief B has won. Note that the brain still feels relatively comfortable here, because it has chosen just one Belief.

In practical terms, this means that the brain of a partner of a narcissist does a very good job of convincing itself that nothing is wrong or of accepting bad behaviour – and does this outside of the person’s awareness. It does it subconsciously. It looks for ways to feel okay about the way they are being treated. It wants to maintain a positive attitude towards their narcissist partner because it cannot imagine life without them. And the reason for this is the next reason why you may be finding it so difficult to view the situation objectively, if your partner is indeed a narcissist. This is known as Trauma Bonding.

2. Trauma bonding

The abusive behaviours of the narcissist (most likely to be stealthy and covert to start with) actually lead to their victims becoming addicted to the narcissist, losing their autonomy and becoming trapped in the relationship. They are therefore kept exactly where the narcissist wants them, as a reliable and steady source of attention, too invested to break free.

But how do the abusive behaviours lead to the victims becoming addicted to the narcissist? Narcissists use ‘intermittent reinforcement’ to keep their victims hooked to them. This works due to the brain being flooded with certain brain chemicals (neurotransmitters) during the initial honeymoon phase of the relationship.

If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist, you will always have been ‘love-bombed’ at the beginning. You will have been showered with attention, with over the top professions of love and grand gestures, and communication will have been constant. This is an important time for your brain chemicals, when they first start to be produced in huge quantities.

But what starts as the ‘perfect’ relationship, with the narcissist being loving and caring, then turns ever so slightly sour with subtle abuse. The victim, with a sinking heart, absorbs the blame and becomes desperate to get back the feelings of the initial phase of the relationship (related to the high levels of neurotransmitters in their brain). They find themselves jumping through hoops to placate or win over the narcissist, who gives out varying wins (big or small) at unpredictable times. Perhaps a tiny bit of attention here and there, interspersed with an unexpectedly lavish meal or profession of everlasting love, followed by a silent treatment and then mild humiliation.

This throws the brain chemicals into havoc – they are sometimes depleted (when they become craved for) and sometimes sky high. From a neurochemical perspective, this is an addictive cycle, similar to the one employed by slot machines, and it’s precisely the varying unpredictable nature of the wins that keeps the victim ‘in the game’, chemically hooked to it.

The victim begins chasing their tail, eventually, perhaps over years, becoming grateful for the smallest crumbs of good behaviour or attention from the narcissist. Sometimes just the absence of abuse, name calling or silent treatments (if these are in your particular narcissist’s repertoire) becomes enough to make them feel at peace.

With slot machines, the initial payout keeps the gambler playing, sinking more and more cash into the machine, hoping that the next win is around the corner. Just as they are about to tire of the game, a small win occurs, re-igniting their desire to continue playing for the jackpot. More money is lost, but another neurochemical releasing win follows, as they hoped. It is no accident that these machines are designed to be profitable. The gambler is never really the winner. And in exactly the same way, nor is the victim of narcissistic abuse.

This chemical addiction to the narcissist, as a result of their intermittent reinforcement schedule of rewards, is trauma bonding. It leads to false hope that things can get better, and a pattern of rumination in the victim about how they can get back to that place of loving calm. It teaches them to try harder. To be better. To give more. To ask for less. To want less. To dance to the narcissist’s tune, and all the while, to be grateful for any scraps tossed their way, and to scrabble on the floor for them, starving and needy. These are the exact same tactics that cult leaders use to ensnare their victims, and they are all known to be pathologically narcissistic in personality. Addicts of any sort are driven by their addictions, and do not view them with objectivity. It’s no wonder victims find it hard to see the narcissist for who they are.

3. The pain of separation

Whether your partner has left or whether their behaviour has finally caused you to leave, or to be considering leaving, you will be in pain. Bear in mind that the same areas of the brain light up in the emotional pain of separation as in severe physical pain. If your partner was indeed a narcissist, the ‘trauma bonding’, which you will be trying to overcome, makes this pain much more acute than in a ‘normal’ break up. It literally hurts – and no one functions well when in agonising pain. Again, seeing your partner objectively, whether narcissistic or not, is difficult when in this state.

Grief is big part of the end of a significant relationship, and it is divided up into several phases. These phases are not linear and the grieving person can oscillate between them, slowly inching forwards but taking backward steps every now and then. Denial that the relationship is over is followed by anger. Bargaining, where the person tries to ‘make a deal’ in order to avoid the grief (perhaps going back to their partner and trying to be ‘better’ or ‘negotiating with God’) is the next stage. Depression is described as the next stage, and eventually, acceptance that the relationship is over will come, as the final stage. If you are in any of these stages, except acceptance, it is obvious that it will be difficult to assess the situation with clarity. And, if you do eventually come to the conclusion that your marriage was indeed with a narcissist, then you will have the added complication of feeling as though you are grieving the loss of something that wasn’t even real. Many people then add ‘guilt’ to the list of emotions they are experiencing, as they don’t feel they even have the right to grieve. It’s very complicated indeed, and hardly conducive to rational thought.

4. Episodes of ‘hoovering’

If the narcissist does not want the separation, they will employ the hoovering tactic; seeking to persuade the other to change their mind and continue the relationship. This is often done through love-bombing (showering you with ‘love’), promising to change and even threatening suicide. Often, this will lead to you, as the victim, repeatedly changing your mind about whether you want to issue divorce proceedings. You may find yourself having a petition drafted a number of times, or even issued but not served, or withdrawn. Narcissistic individuals are great at sucking their victims back in – especially if they have located their spouse’s Achilles heels over a long marriage or relationship. They will play on your sympathy, your love and your sadness. It’s confusing to say the least, and is guaranteed to throw you off balance.

5. Anxiety

You may be experiencing intense anxiety as a result of your unsatisfactory relationship, and especially if you have been experiencing narcissistic behaviours. But anxiety isn’t just an emotion – it has physical manifestations too, as the brain tries to get your attention. We’ve all experienced anxiety in some form, perhaps before a tricky interview, or at an exam. Sweaty palms, shaking, shortness of breath, palpitations. But anxiety can be debilitating too – you can be crippled by episodes of chest pain, convinced that you are having a heart attack. You may suffer from diarrhoea that is so profuse that you cannot go to work. You may be doubled over with abdominal pain, or feel constantly sick. Panic attacks may affect how you live your life. Your sleep may be affected, and you may find yourself regularly waking in the middle of the night unable to get back to sleep, wrecking your ability to function in the following days. Back pain, neck pain, headaches, and every other type of ache, are common. They are not ‘in your head’ – they are real, but the brain is interpreting your emotional pain as being physical, misinterpreting the nerve signals as coming from a physical source. Distracting symptoms of anxiety are hardly going to help you in your quest to understand your situation.

6. Hope

If you are or have been in a relationship with a narcissist, hope that things will go back to how they were when they were perfect is a huge factor. If you do not realise that ‘how things were’ was merely the narcissistic individual reflecting your adoration of them back to you, you will believe that your relationship was real. You will believe that their love for you was deep. You will be trapped by images of their romantic gestures, not only during the initial ‘love-bombing’ phase of the relationship, but also in the subsequent intermittent phases where they sought to draw you back in after they had withdrawn, or criticised you and made you feel bad. Hope can prevent you from seeing the relationship as it really was. It has to be left outside the door, whilst you scrutinise your past to see if the patterns of narcissism were a feature of your relationship. ‘Euphoric recall’, which is the tendency to only remember the fantastic times, is a pronounced feature in narcissistic abuse, and keeps unrealistic hope in the picture.

7. Guilt

A big feature, particularly when you are the party leaving the relationship, is guilt, and a real narcissist will play on this with reckless abandon. As if you don’t already feel guilty enough, you will be made to feel as though you have destroyed your narcissistic partner’s life by considering leaving. Perhaps they will make you feel as though you have used them. That you lied to them when you made your wedding vows. That you are ruining the lives of your children by depriving them of a two parent household. Many people worry that their narcissistic partner’s behaviour may actually be caused by a brain tumour, or any stress that they are under, or some other type of illness. They believe that they may be abandoning them in their hour of need, contrary to their vows of ‘in sickness and in health’. Guilt is another emotion that muddies the waters of objectivity and makes it difficult for you to see your partner’s behaviour as being narcissistic.

“As if you don’t already feel guilty enough, you will be made to feel as though you have destroyed your narcissistic partner’s life by considering leaving.”

8. Isolation

Many people who have been in a relationship with a narcissist have found themselves socially isolated as a result. This may be because the narcissist’s embarrassing or self-centred behaviours have turned friends and family away, or because the narcissist themselves have deliberately isolated you from those you love, by their disapproval of them, or their insistence that you focus on them instead. It may be that you have no one to confide in, or no one who can give you their opinion regarding your partner. This can leave you questioning your own reality, with no ‘anchor’ to keep things real. Again, this leaves you confused about the realities of your relationship.

9. The after-effects of narcissistic abuse

If you have been in a long-term relationship with a narcissist, you may be experiencing unexpected, intrusive flashbacks which can throw you off balance. You may have become a ‘co-dependent’ as a result of the relationship, unable to prioritise your needs ahead of the narcissist’s, or anyone else’s. This inevitably makes it difficult for you to advocate for yourself, or to consider what would be in your own best interests – not ideal in a divorce. You may have developed the phenomenon of ‘learned helplessness’, where you feel unable to stand up for yourself, and you accept other people stepping over your boundaries, or treating you badly, as a matter of course. And you may be so used to being controlled by your narcissistic partner that you struggle to take back the control for yourself, and find yourself waiting to be told what to do. All of these factors can make looking out for yourself, and the process of working out and coming to terms with the reality of a narcissistic relationship, seem like an uphill struggle.

The overriding message here is that none of this is easy. Be kind to yourself. You have every reason to be confused. That said, let’s now try to help with that confusion by presenting the facts as we delve into the world of narcissism and the features of those with narcissistic personality disorder.

What is a narcissist?

The term ‘narcissist’ conjures up a variety of images. Some think of the selfie-taking social media addict, expertly pouting at the camera. Others may suspect the mirror watcher, staring dreamily at their own reflection. You might guess that it is the combination of selfishness and vanity that makes up the essence of a narcissist. Power crazy politicians may spring to mind, or difficult bosses. You could be forgiven for thinking of drivers of flashy sports cars, or compulsive wearers of designer labels. Mildly irritating. Occasionally infuriating. Difficult at times, even. But relatively benign. Others may think of megalomaniacs or dictators; genocidal generals or crazed murderous lunatics. Cult leaders. Evil villains. People most of us are never likely to meet. Many more may think of ‘narcissism’ as simply a buzzword, trendy and overused; bandied about, here in the UK, for conversational effect. And a few will believe that, as everyone is a little bit narcissistic (this is correct, by the way), they should discard the term entirely.

But, as we will explain in detail, these stereotypes are not always helpful. The narcissist you know may have been flying under the radar for many years, without you, or others, having a clue.

We will delve much more deeply into the behaviours exhibited by those with NPD after a brief look at the textbook definition, below, which is a good starting point.

DSM-5 definition of NPD

In the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), NPD is defined in two different ways.

The first is as follows:

•  A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour)

•  A constant need for admiration

•  A lack of empathy

beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts.

A person with NPD will have at least five of the following nine criteria:

•  A grandiose sense of self-importance

•  A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love

•  A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions

•  A need for excessive admiration

•  A sense of entitlement

•  Interpersonally exploitive behaviour

•  A lack of empathy

•  Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her

•  A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviours or attitudes

The second, more modern, alternative model for diagnosing NPD is described in a new section of DSM-5 (Section III); the ‘Emerging Measures and Models’ section.

In this new model, paraphrased below, NPD is characterised by difficulties in two or more of the following four areas:

•  Identity. Those with NPD excessively refer to others for their own self-definition and self-esteem regulation. In other words, their own self-esteem and how they see themselves is overly dependent on how others view them. Their appraisal of themselves is either overly inflated or overly deflated, and they may vacillate between the two extremes. These fluctuations in self-esteem directly affect their emotions at any time.

•  Self-direction. Those with NPD set goals in order to gain approval from others. They have personal standards that are either unreasonably high (in order to see oneself as exceptional) or too low (from a sense of entitlement from others). They are frequently unaware of their own motivations in relation to this. Because of this, they can be high achievers, or the exact opposite, expecting others to provide for them.

•  Empathy. Those with NPD have impaired ability to recognise or identify with the feelings and needs of others. However, they are excessively attuned to the reactions of others, but only if these are perceived as relevant to the self. They over or under estimate their own effect on others.

•  Intimacy. Those with NPD have relationships that are largely superficial. Relationships exist to regulate their own self-esteem. Relationships are not fully mutual, as those with NPD have little genuine interest in others’ experiences and are driven by a need for personal gain.

In addition to the areas above, NPD is characterised by the presence of both of the following pathological personality traits:

•  Grandiosity. Feelings of entitlement, either overt or covert; self-centeredness; firm attachment to the belief that one is better than others; condescension toward others.

•  Attention seeking. Excessive attempts to attract and be the focus of the attention of others; admiration seeking.

Narcissists are therefore not ‘evil’ or ‘bad’. Nor are they ‘mentally ill’ (unless they have some coexisting mental illness, such as depression). NPD is actually what is known as an ‘adaptation’. In other words, this particular personality type became hardwired into their brains as a result of how they reacted to an adverse environment and to their upbringing in their formative years. It was the way they adapted to their childhood circumstances that brought about their personality.

Those with NPD cannot appreciate (other than intellectually) that others are distinct from themselves, and have needs, wishes, thoughts and feelings separate from their own. It is as if they are stuck in the toddler stage or adolescent stage of emotional development, in which the world revolves around themselves. If you take another quick look at the listed DSM features of NPD you may be struck by this. And if you have been in a relationship with a narcissist, this analogy is highly likely to resonate with you – partners of narcissists often feel that they have to look after them as if they are children, or put up with toddler style tantrums.

Although those with NPD cannot really be considered as intrinsically ‘bad’, some of the behaviours which they exhibit and the traumatic effect these have on those around them are certainly not ‘nice’ or ‘desirable’. They may be acceptable in a three year old, and understandable in a 15 year old, but in adulthood they are abusive – and this is a simple fact. Little wonder, then, that divorce is rife in this group.

As the spouse of a narcissist, you need to know that NPD cannot be treated with medication. The only treatment is specialist psychotherapy, which can take between five and ten years to have an effect. The vast majority of people with NPD will not wish to be formally diagnosed as they either will have no insight into their personality disorder, or, if they do, they will not see it as a problem. This is a personality adaptation which serves most narcissists well in life, as they are able to exploit others without a guilty conscience (due to the combination of a fundamental lack of empathy and a need to see themselves as superior). Only a very very tiny minority (usually the highly intelligent, high functioning variety) will be motivated enough to undergo specialist psychotherapy. Of those that do present to professionals, it is often family members at their wit’s end who have instigated the process of diagnosis, often as an ultimatum (“Either you go to therapy or we get a divorce”). Of these, most will drop out of treatment, as it involves a deeply honest look within, which is often too hard to bear.

Put plainly, the vast majority of narcissists will therefore never be ‘cured’ or ‘changed’, and to hope that they will be is a false hope. Accepting this fact is crucial for your own future well-being, but difficult.

“The vast majority of narcissists will never be ‘cured’ or ‘changed’, and to hope that they will be is a false hope. Accepting this fact is crucial for your own future well-being.”

Interestingly, a study conducted at Queen’s University, Belfast, showed that the more obvious type of narcissist, the ‘Exhibitionist Narcissist’, is actually happier in life than most people. They are mentally tougher, and perceive less stress. For them, there is nothing to fix, as the exploitative nature of the disorder largely works to their benefit. It’s not hard to see how this could have an effect on the numbers that present for diagnosis and treatment – to them it’s a case of “If it ain’t broke, why fix it?”

How common is NPD?

The lifetime incidence of NPD in the USA is quoted as being between 0.5% and 6.2%, depending on the study and methods used. Clearly more standardised studies need to be carried out on this. What seems to be consistent, though, is that NPD is more common in males, overall men accounting for around 75% of those diagnosed.

The figures are higher in prison and military populations.

Is narcissism on the increase?

Many speak of an epidemic in NPD, with cases on the rise. This may or may not be true, but it seems that many of the traits associated with NPD are increasingly seen as positive attributes, to be aspired to, such as the ruthless pursuit of wealth, power, status and fame. It may be that narcissistic traits are being culturally embedded in our societies and being normalised as a result. Some psychologists postulate that the modern way in which we build our children’s self-esteem may be contributing to a rise in narcissism, with educators and parents telling their children how special and unique they are to make them feel more confident, rather than encouraging them to achieve self-esteem through hard work (“My clever little princess…”).

Many believe that social media has a part to play, with numbers of ‘friends’ and ‘likes’ conferring an addictive and misplaced sense of self-worth to those with narcissistic tendencies. Carefully curated, photo-shopped and filtered images, posted with idealised stories, give a sense of the perfect life, none of which bears any resemblance to the messy truth that goes along with being human. People can construct whole new identities, glittering online personas for the world to comment on, and to be jealous of. Being an ‘influencer’ is an actual job, and real life relationships and connections may be waning as superficiality increases.

Even online dating results in people being seen as commodities, not humans with real feelings. Empathy in this arena seems to be on the decline, with ghosting and breadcrumbing being the norm, and hook-ups are easy to find in this new digital age. All of this is fuel to a narcissistically disordered person. An excellent way to distract oneself from the chronic boredom and emptiness that lies at the core of this condition, and to bolster one’s fragile ego with approval and validation from multiple sources. Perhaps these environmental factors are also making more people narcissistic, or perhaps they are simply just new ways for those who already have narcissistic personality adaptations to outwardly express their narcissistic behaviours. Only time will tell.

How does one ‘get’ Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

In order to get to grips with the confusing and abusive behaviours displayed by the narcissist, it helps to consider what led to this personality adaptation in the first place. Even though NPD is handed down through the generations, the consensus is that narcissists are made, not born – narcissism is not genetic.

“Narcissists are made, not born – narcissism is not genetic.”

As a result of their upbringing, the narcissist is deeply lacking in self-esteem, and has little sense of a true identity. It’s crucial to understand that this is the core wound which leads them to behave in the abusive ways that they do. Almost everything that the narcissist does is done to avoid feeling the emptiness and low self-worth within them.

There are a variety of parenting styles that can lead to Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Many are as a result of being brought up by narcissistic parents, but this is not always the case. These styles can also overlap. You may well recognise one of these scenarios as having taken place in the childhood of your narcissistic partner. If you ever met your partner’s parents, have a think about their personalities, and their likely expectations of their children as they were growing up. The clues will be there.

1. Conditional love

Children in these households may be brought up to believe that they are only worthy of love and attention when they achieve greatly. When they come first in the music competition or get into the national swimming team, they are showered with praise. When they get 99% in an exam, their parents may still ask if anyone else did better than them. They are not valued by their parents unless they are perfect and the very best in many arenas – the scholarship winner, the most polite child in the room and also the prettiest. Status and specialness is everything, and they are a huge disappointment if they fail.

They are not seen or heard for who they truly are by their parents, and are forced to have only hobbies and interests that their parents see as worthy, rather than being encouraged to explore their own likes and interests. Any attempt to show their real selves is met with humiliation, derision, withdrawal or disapproval. These children work incredibly hard to please their parents, desperate to win their approval and love, caught in a never-ending upward spiral of achievement. They develop a sense of self based on external validation, and a sense of emptiness within. The child comes to believe that they are only lovable if they are flawless, and becomes deeply ashamed of any areas where they are less than perfect. They have an important role to play for their parents, whether they like it or not. Parental approval and, later, the approval of the outside world become pillars essential for propping up their low intrinsic self-esteem and the image of themselves that they present to the world. Interestingly, as adults, they may describe their childhood as having been ideal and loving, and their parents as good. Does this sound like your partner’s childhood to you?

2. The 11. belittling parent

This parent, often a narcissist, may be explosive and easily angered. They ridicule and humiliate their children and partner, put them down and invalidate their feelings. They devalue and demean their family and others as a way of inflating their own shaky sense of self-worth, but of course, no child could possibly know this. They may alternate victims within the family unit, so no one is sure where they stand at any one time. These children tiptoe around the parent’s moods, and may try to avoid them or placate them where possible. “You are useless” may be a common refrain, and the child may internalise this message but outwardly have the need to prove to the world and themselves that they are special, and that the parent was wrong. These children may grow up feeling driven to be wealthy, powerful or famous, as a way of justifying their own existences and finding external validation. They may learn that power is an effective tool to use in their own relationships. Alternatively, as adults, they may become afraid of seeking the spotlight, and seek to affirm their sense of specialness by basking in the glow of another. It’s easy to see how NPD can be passed down the generations in this way. Do you recognise this belittling personality in your mother-in-law or father-in-law?

3. Using children as admirers

In these households an Exhibitionist Narcissistic parent uses their children as their fan club. The children are brought up to idealise the parent, placing them on a pedestal, and worshipping them. They are taught not to out-do the parent or seek admiration for themselves, and they are demeaned, criticised and devalued if they do. In return for this adoration, the narcissistic parent rewards them with attention, praise and conditional love. These children can grow up to become so called ‘Closet Narcissists’. They have been unwittingly taught narcissistic values and beliefs (and the associated abuse tactics), but tend to shy away from the spotlight, achieving their own sense of specialness or importance by associating with those who they admire. They find may themselves re-enacting their childhood role in their adult life as the supporting actress or actor in another Exhibitionist Narcissist’s show, possibly with their boss or partner. If your partner is a narcissist, they may still, even as an adult, fawn over the brilliance of their mother or father, having never developed appropriate boundaries and behaviours. Do they constantly still defer to their parent? Does it feel uncomfortable, watching this dynamic?

4. The overvaluing parent

These parents, possibly in a misguided attempt to raise their child’s healthy self-esteem (maybe as a result of the so-called ‘self-esteem movement’), see their child as unique and extraordinary. These parents idealise the child, inflating their achievements and bragging about them, holding up the child as being flawless. They over-estimate the child’s qualities, and over-praise them, lavishing them with applause even when the child doesn’t perform well. They believe their child to be cleverer than they actually are. It may be that the child internalises their parents’ inflated view of them and comes to believe that they are unique, extraordinary, superior to others and entitled to privileges. Could this be your partner’s upbringing? Do your in-laws still brag about your partner, disproportionately?

The crux of the matter – narcissistic supply and the False Self

If there’s only one concept you take from this book regarding understanding narcissists, the concept of Narcissistic Supply should be it – because this underpins every single thing that a narcissist does.

Those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder do not look as if they have low self-esteem – in fact, in most types, quite the reverse is true. They outwardly project to the world a ‘False Self’, which is an outward image (or a ‘mask’). This False Self often appears grandiose or self-assured, and is so convincing and so at odds with the underlying emptiness within that a casual onlooker would find it difficult to see what lies beneath. This ‘mask’ can temporarily drop when the narcissist feels threatened, or abandoned. And this self-assured outward image cannot be maintained without attention from others.

The False Self has an important job to do. It shields the narcissistic individual from facing the truth about themselves – that they are vulnerable, afraid and unhappy – and it defends them against anxiety, depression, panic and emptiness. (Of course, you may feel sympathy at this point, but before you read on, you have to know this: it’s sad, but all the jumping through hoops in the world from you won’t change a narcissist’s inner void).

Essentially, narcissists require validation from external sources, and this validation must be constant. Think of their False Self as a suit of armour which, although impressive, is constantly rusting in lots of different places. It needs continual repair, patching up and polishing from the outside, from multiple sources. No one source (or person) will ever be enough to keep the narcissist’s armour intact. If your partner is indeed a narcissist, you may well recognise this feeling of ‘not being enough’ for them, and you may be aware of others, apart from you, who they also use to obtain this external validation.

In other words, narcissists need ‘feeding’ attention in some form or other to maintain the fragile image that they present to the world. This, in turn, props up their lacking sense of worthiness and self-esteem. They need to see themselves reflected positively in the eyes of others, and if that is not available, conflict, drama or attention in any other form will do.

This external validation is what is termed ‘Narcissistic Supply’. Without narcissistic supply those with NPD are forced to feel their own sense of unworthiness and shame – this feels like an existential crisis to a narcissist, to be avoided at all costs. Narcissistic supply is the narcissist’s oxygen. To a narcissist, the words of Oscar Wilde may ring true: “There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about”.

This plays out in the divorce process, a feeding ground for narcissistic supply, where the narcissist obtains it from their own lawyer as well as from the spouse, and, often through sympathy, from those around them.

To summarise, a narcissist is always on the lookout for narcissistic supply – attention, which comes in four forms: adoration, admiration, drama and conflict. Without it, their false self crumbles and they are forced to face their own feelings of inadequacy, of shame and of low self-esteem. Look at those four words again – adoration, admiration, drama and conflict. Could obtaining these be the key motivators that drive your partner?

“There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.”

Oscar Wilde

What does a narcissist look like in daily life?

It is commonly accepted that there are four major ways in which those with NPD present themselves to the outside world; as the Exhibitionist Narcissist, the Closet Narcissist, the Devaluing Narcissist and the Communal Narcissist.

Whilst some with NPD will present predominantly in just one of these ways, some overlap is possible, depending on the situation the narcissist finds themselves in, and what works well for them in that situation. It seems that in some narcissists, one type comes to the fore in times of stress, but then recedes into the background when the stress subsides, leaving the narcissist to go back to their default type. There are also subtypes, which reveal themselves in the narcissist’s behaviour. Some use sexuality and looks as their means of getting attention (the somatic subtype). Others use their intellect (the cerebral subtype). And some use all of these at various times, in varying proportions.

It’s also important to realise that those with narcissistic adaptations, like all people, have a range of individual personality traits. They can be nice at times. They come in many different shapes and sizes. There are as many different outward appearances as there are narcissists. What is consistent between types, however, is their desperate need to cling to feeling special. It’s just how they do this that differs.

We said earlier that NPD is more common in men (the ratio of males to females estimated at around 3:1), but this is actually only true in the Exhibitionist Narcissist category. This might be because brashness, loudness and being overtly competitive are traits which society finds more acceptable in men, whereas female narcissists tend to express their narcissism in different ways, falling into one of the other categories. Closet Narcissists and Communal Narcissists are thought to be equally represented by both genders.

Let’s take a closer look, to see whether you recognise your partner in any of these.