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- Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
- Kategorie: Fachliteratur
- Sprache: Englisch
As the workforce ages and younger trainers and managers emerge, facilitation skills take on a new importance and, with the increased use of social networks, new facilitation skills are needed. Written by two facilitation gurus, this book shows how to make any learning environment come alive. It outlines proven guidelines any trainer can use to unify groups, inspire creativity, and get audiences, teams, and colleagues to speak up, talk back, participate, and engage in meetings.
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Seitenzahl: 284
Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2013
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Contents
Preface
Acknowledgments
About the Authors
Introduction
Chapter One: Heard on the Street
The Audience Doesn’t Lie
It’s About Time!
It All Begins with Courage
Three Keys to Facilitate Fearlessly
And on a Final and Very Important Note . . .
Coach’s Comments
Chapter Two: Organic Facilitation
Organic Facilitation Is Less Known
Organic Facilitation Is Healthier in the Long Run
Organic Facilitation Takes Time to Perfect (or, Actually, Make Appear Imperfect)
Intimacy Is Key
Coach’s Comments
Chapter Three: The Fourth Wall
The Wall It’s OK to Break
Food, Fun, and Safety
Five Tools for Your Fearless Tool Bag
Three Rules for Breaking the Wall
Dance Naked! The Wisdom Is in the Room
How to Work (and Not Work) the Room
How Fred Friedman Broke the Fourth Wall
Coach’s Comments
Chapter Four: Have Fun with One or with One Hundred
Take It Professionally, Not Personally
As You Begin, Notice Who Is “with” You Through Their Reactions, Eye Contact, or What Seems to Be Working, Even in a Small Way
Be Ready to Adapt
Know That You Can’t Win Them All
Yes, Facilitation Works with Very Large Audiences!
Adapting to an Unexpectedly Small Audience
Coach’s Comments
Chapter Five: Dialogue Not Monologue (Worse, Duologue)
Conversation Is Not Easy for Most
Can You Converse Without a Cocktail?
Conversation: Begin at the Beginning
The Break Is Never Really a Break
Dialogue During Your Meeting
Dialogue Post-Meeting
Coach’s Comments
Chapter Six: The Set-Up
The Learning Environment
You Can Always Facilitate, No Matter the Circumstances
Lessons from One Executive’s Transformation
Coach’s Comments
Chapter Seven: Listen Live, Then Disappear!
What Oprah and Larry Know
What the Best Do Not Do
What the Journalist Uncovers
What the Orchestra Conductor Knows
What the Sales Professional Knows
Really Good Facilitators Use These Questions
Really Good Facilitators Avoid These Questions
What Listening Live Is Not
Timing Is Everything
Your Natural Resources
Coach’s Comments
Chapter Eight: Go with It!
Take What They Give You
Trust!
When You Know More and They Came to Hear It
When You Need to (and Should) Keep Emotion at Bay
When You Can’t Think and Hit at the Same Time
Home Run!
Coach’s Comments
Chapter Nine: It’s About the Audience, First and Always, in All Ways!
What a Ninety-One-Year-Old Knows
What a Professional Magician Knows
What an Eighth-Grade Teacher Knows
What Engineers Know
Connection Is Never Perfection
What the Professional Comedian Knows
Audiences Will React Differently to the Same Story
Avoid Death by Committee
Chapter Ten: Yikes! A Whole Room Full of . . .
When Times Go Less Well Than Planned
People and Groups Who Exhibit Predictable Challenges
People Who Are Disconnected
Only One Person to Facilitate
In Your Writing, Especially When You Need to Persuade
Gaining Traction
Keeping Momentum
When All Else Fails . . . People Who Won’t Change, No Matter What
Coach’s Comments
Chapter Eleven: Conclusion
Appendix A: Sure Things: Eight Discussion Topics That Never Fail
Appendix B: Four Keys to Making It Easier
Appendix C: Momentum Magic
Appendix D: Oops! When Meetings Don’t Go So Well
Appendix E: Techniques for Teleconference and Virtual Meeting Facilitation
Index
Cover design by J. Puda
Maxey photo by Rick Mitchell
O’Connor photo by Steve Ewert
Copyright © 2013 by Cyndi Maxey and Kevin E. O’Connor. All Rights Reserved.
Published by Pfeiffer
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Maxey, Cyndi.
Fearless facilitation : the ultimate field guide to engaging (and involving!) your audience/Cyndi Maxey and Kevin O’Connor.
pages cm
Includes index.
ISBN 978-1-118-37581-5 (pbk.); 978-1-118-41750-8 (ebk.); 978-1-118-42061-4 (ebk.); 978-1-118-56651-0 (ebk.)
1. Business presentations 2. Business communication. I. O’Connor, Kevin, 1947- II. Title.
HF5718.22.M328 2013
658.4’52—dc23
2013001289
Acquiring Editor: Matthew Davis
Director of Development: Kathleen Dolan Davies
Developmental Editor: Susan Rachmeler
Production Editor: Michael Kay
Editor: Rebecca Taff
Editorial Assistant: Ryan Noll
Manufacturing Supervisor: Becky Morgan
To my Chicago neighbors, who have fearlessly facilitated lifelong friendships and steadfast support of my work.
Cyndi Maxey
For Ross Keane, who taught and modeled facilitation for and with me, and to Howard and LouEllen Horwitz for letting me do it!
Kevin O’Connor
Preface
OVER THE PAST TEN YEARS, we have collaborated on books and articles that explored and documented our love of communication, presentation, and leadership. We have facilitated countless workshops together and coached and developed presenters and leaders who were on the same team. Associations like American Society for Training and Development (ASTD) and National Speakers Association (NSA) provided opportunities for us to speak about our work and create new ideas along the way.
The idea for this book began with a presentation we called “Fearless Facilitation” at the 2009 NSA conference; the intent was to encourage professional speakers to “let loose” and let the audience in. The response was positive, and so we continued to perfect the concept of “fearlessness” while involving a group. We delivered new, expanded versions of the presentation for trainers and leaders at the ASTD international conferences of 2010 and 2011 and then proposed the idea to Pfeiffer as a potential book. This is our fourth book together, and we are honored you are reading it.
Many times leaders and presenters can be so wrapped up in what they say and what is on their slides that they wait until the very end to state: “We have a few moments for questions.” This is a tremendous mistake and a disservice to audiences who really do want to talk and not just be “talked at.” We offer this book to you in the same light.
Be fearless and let your audience in!
Cyndi Maxey and Kevin E. O’Connor
Chicago, Illinois
Fall 2012
Acknowledgments
A BOOK IDEA NEVER COMES to print with a respected publishing house without the inspiration and support of many people.
To begin, we would like to thank Mark Morrow for his professionalism, enthusiasm, and wise connection to Pfeiffer/Wiley; Matt Davis for his belief in us and the theme and the audience for this book; and our agent, Jay Poynor, for representing us with caring attention and wisdom for the past ten years.
We would also like to thank our great families for their interest and support: Ryan Maxey, Phelan Maxey, Corbbmacc O’Connor, Lanty O’Connor, and Rita O’Connor. We love you and appreciate your enthusiasm for our writing careers.
Finally, we are grateful to all who contributed stories, interviews, poetry, or experiences to make this book “come alive” with professional applicability: Leon Adcock; Therry Adcock; Dianna Booher; Dennis DeBondt; Loren Ekroth, Ph.D.; Walter Eppich, MD, M.Ed.; Linus Erkenswick; Fred Friedman, JD; Randy Gage; Georgia Gove; Bob Gilbert; Ken Johnson, Pharm.D.; Dr. Alan Kaplan, MD; Madalyn Kenney; Dr. Mehmood Khan, MD; Diane Kubal; Helen Meldrum, Ph.D.; Kay Minger; Dr. Domeena Renshaw, MD; Miriella Saucedo-Marquez; Kenny Sevara; Terry Sheeler; Bryan Silbermann, CAE; Jane Sweeney; Ricky C. Tanksley; and Dr. John Vozenilek, MD.
Thanks also to editorial support from Corbbmacc O’Connor, O’Consulting Group, Alexandria, Virginia and to the animated illustrations throughout from Robert Parker, student at Columbia College Chicago.
About the Authors
CYNDI MAXEY, CSP, (MA, Northwestern University, communication studies) has owned Maxey Creative Inc., a communication training and consulting firm, since 1989. She is a professional speaker and coach, and she holds the Certified Speaking Professional designation awarded by the National Speakers Association, held by fewer than three hundred women internationally. A career-long member of the American Society for Training and Development (ASTD) and a leader in ASTD’s Chicago chapter, she has spoken frequently at ASTD international conferences on presentations, training, and communication.
She works most often with healthcare, insurance, consumer products, women’s, and medical audiences in communication, presentations, and facilitation. Maxey is a past president of the National Speakers Association’s Illinois chapter, and she was the recipient of NSA Illinois’ Humanitarian of the Year 2009 for her volunteer work with fundraising events for schools, churches, and the community.
Maxey has co-authored five books on presentations and communication. She lives in Chicago, Illinois, where her grown children and Labrador retriever, Max Maxey, provide both balance and chaos in her life.
KEVIN E. O’CONNOR, CSP, is a speaker, consultant, and teacher specializing in working with medical and scientific professionals charged with leading their peers as well as with teams of professionals collaborating over projects in a matrix environment. He specializes in teaching professionals to have influence and impact over those who may not directly report to them, even those who may not even want to be influenced!
O’Connor teaches graduate and undergraduate classes at Chicago’s Loyola University, Columbia College of Chicago, and at specific gatherings of professional groups, including corporate executives, physician executives, healthcare leaders, and teams of professionals in the United States, Canada, England, and Dubai.
O’Connor is a Certified Speaking Professional. Currently fewer than 550 persons in the world hold this honor for speaking and teaching excellence. He has three master’s degrees and is the author or co-author of seven books. He lives in the northwest suburbs of Chicago.
Introduction
WELCOME, AND WE HOPE OUR title drew you to the words herein. We’re glad you want to be fearless, and we’re especially glad your interest is facilitation! Fearless is a strong word, perhaps even a strange word, to describe this skill of facilitation that, by definition, means “to make easy.” Yet, many facilitators today are full of fear. They are wary of stopping talking, stopping their slide show, or departing from their agenda in order to find out what their people really think, feel, and are prepared to do.
They fear because they don’t know how. They fear out of a misplaced sense of what excellence is. They fear that somehow their adult audience will either not participate or will hijack their meeting. Nothing could be further from the truth. Adults require two things in order to learn: they want to feel included and connected. This is never accomplished by lecture, silence, slide decks, or a tight agenda that permits nothing but lifeless “yeses.”
Leading and facilitating a meeting, event, training session, or webinar to a successful outcome is a challenging task for even the most talented of facilitators. Beyond the painful detail of agenda planning, there is no guarantee how people will react or participate until they tell us through their behavior. Some people relish being involved and contributing; others don’t. Some arrive with negative preconceived notions, while others are open to anything, as long as it’s interesting at the moment to them!
To add to the challenge, growing numbers of meetings, events, and training sessions are being held online, on the phone, and in chat formats, making it difficult to simply monitor the audience, let alone involve them!
Each Chapter in This Book Will Open Your Eyes . . .
. . . to terms and techniques you may not have encountered before, such as organic facilitation, breaking the fourth wall between you and the audience, tapping into the natural resources of the group, how conversation and facilitation skills intertwine, how to work with a largely introverted professional population, setting up activities “gently,” how to “listen live” as a talk show host does, how to “go with it” as the improvisation artist learns, what groups of six and six hundred have in common, what a ninety-one-year-old nursing home resident knows about audience needs, how to use the experts among you, how to avoid “death by committee,” how to operate from a mindset of “experience not content,” special strategies for volunteers, and special strategies for audiences of one gender, culture, or age group.
This is neither a book of games or techniques, nor is it a theoretical academic volume. Rather, we strive to unite theory and activity, engage the facilitator with the audience, and create memories that result in enthusiasm and action. Chapter One, “Heard on the Street,” provides some useful definitions and general “rules of thumb” that apply throughout. After reading Chapter One, you may wish to skip around. Note that at the end of every chapter there are specific Coach’s Comments, which address frequently asked questions from real people. Also make note of the Appendices, which include additional tips, activities, and tools.
This Book Is for You If . . .
. . . you’re a training professional, training director, training manager, training specialist, or organization development manager who trains others for behavior change. You may train the trainers, consult with the organization, and coach and support. Your job is to make a tangible difference in how others do their jobs.
. . . you’re a corporate or association leader who is charged with planning, leading, and facilitating meetings at work. We will help you fearlessly involve people. You may be a seasoned professional who “knows the team knows,” but has no idea how to persuade them to voice their honest responses. Or you may be an emerging leader who is intensely aware that lecture, slide decks, and constricted agendas are a thing of the past. You will relate to the stories herein of a range of corporate and business professionals—from a VP in information technology to an oncology nurse manager; from the team leader for lab technicians to a senior supervisor in telecommunications customer service.
. . . you’re a student of human education and development. You will find this book a valuable resource for your courses related to presentations, training, leadership, management, public relations, marketing, corporate communication, advertising, business, and more. It will not only help you with these topics, but it also provides good tips for you on how to involve people in the meetings, study groups, and presentations that are a part of your student life.
. . . you’re a volunteer leader in your community, school, or charitable organization. If you’re responsible for leading meetings that encourage and motivate others in a volunteer environment, you will find many ideas that are easy to apply.
. . . you’re a religious leader who addresses the crowd and motivates your staff and members.
. . . you’re an entrepreneur looking for new ways to make an impact.
. . . you’re a creative person making your living in the arts looking for help energizing your audiences and marketing your talents.
This Book Will Help You Plan Every Meeting You Lead
You will learn to put audience mindset top of mind, beginning every meeting with an immediately involving activity or discussion that unifies the group. You will be able to locate the key points in the meeting to facilitate and involve, rather than just lecture and present information. You will gain confidence and be able to use easy-to-implement facilitative techniques with any type of participant (job role, level, background, gender, culture, attitude) and follow up with clarity and speed.
In short, this book goes beyond a simplistic listing of tactics and techniques. Rather, it teaches how to think about how others learn, how they change their minds, how they say “yes” to a concept or initiative, and how they decide, change, and develop.
Congratulations on your commitment to fearless facilitation.
Chapter One
Heard on the Street
The Audience Does Know!
“I want them walking out of my office feeling better than when they walked in.”
—Mehmood Khan, MD, FACE; CEO, Global Nutrition Group; SVP and Chief Science Officer, PepsiCo
Audience involvement results in audience satisfaction, significant learning, and achieved outcomes.
Facilitator fearlessness begins with courage to lead from personal power, not superiority.
Fearless facilitation is a courageous activity for both the speaker and the audience.
The Audience Doesn’t Lie
If you have ever been in charge of a meeting, training session, or event of any kind, you know how great it feels to have everyone as excited and involved as you are. Those are the meetings people talk about later—in a good way! Those are the meetings that are remembered when people are promoted. Those are the meetings that truly inspire change and productive work relationships. Yet, sadly, most meetings don’t garner such rave reviews and results. Instead, what’s more commonly “heard on the street” or in the parking lot afterward is that the meeting was a waste of time. People feel that their energy and mental capacity were undermined and underestimated. Admittedly, how many times have you yourself proclaimed, “What a waste of time!” “I already saw those slides.” or “She read the slides. Next time, just e-mail me.” or “His meetings are always the same . . . B-O-R-I-N-G!” or “I stopped listening about an hour into the training. I was so confused.”
Time, energy, and mental capacity are not small considerations. And yet, most presenters avoid involving others when they have the floor. Why is that? What is fearful about facilitation? How can one be more fearless? First, to clarify, let’s define some terms:
Think about the last time a presenter opened the discussion up for everyone, and then made it easy for everyone to participate. That’s facilitation. When we see a ballet, enjoy a comedy routine, hear a sixteen-year-old Judy Garland sing “Over the Rainbow,” or watch Gene Kelly dance in the rain, we are astonished at how effortlessly they perform. Yet, their actions are the result of painstaking practice, gifted talent, and specific skills that come together to make for classic moments in our lives. Successful facilitation is much the same. The best facilitators look as if they are doing so with no effort, with little movement, and on the spur of the moment. In truth, these facilitators are at the peak of their skill, just as the performers are. But not everyone knows the skills, practices relentlessly, or is able to command competence with such ease.
Kevin had a group of dentists and dental students in a wine bar (yes, we are not kidding!) for a meeting about mentoring for three hours. (The wine came later.) The venue was not perfect, but it did attract dental students, which was the heart of the reason for the meeting. Kevin’s goal was not to teach mentoring, but to have them experience mentoring, to meet one another, to talk, and to have a positive experience with one another. He wanted the younger and more experienced students to build connections with one another.
Therefore, he made a decision early on that connection, not content, was the king of this meeting. He prepared four mini-lecturettes and interspersed them with groups of two and three speaking to one another about the topic at hand.
After the seminar, the host said, “Today I met ten people I did not know . . . that’s what I came for!”
Be aware when connection trumps content, and then get out of the way!
For many presenters, it is much easier (and seemingly safer) to keep talking. When have you felt safe to say what you wanted to say (and what needed to be said) in a meeting? Too often, it feels safer to just say nothing. Nothing said, nothing noted.
Presenters, participants, and leaders who facilitate well are fearless, because they give up the traditional control of an audience or of a team and allow the other to talk, question, and disagree. While this may not seem like a big deal, consider the last time you knew that what you were planning to say would be challenged, disagreed with, or even met with a caustic remark. How did you feel? More to the point, how did you proceed?
Those who keep talking take the safe route. Those who facilitate the conversation take the courageous route. These courageous ones act—not without risk, of course—and for that, they are “fearless” in our book. “Fearless” facilitation results in “flavorful” responses and outcomes. Diane Kubal, founder of Fulcrum Network, a consultant referral network specializing in training and organization development, auditions many presenters and trainers before she puts them before her clients. They present a mini-module of their typical approach to a topic. She has noticed that “a lot of training and human resource people are doing the same thing. I’m looking for a flavor other than vanilla.” Fearless facilitation is one important ingredient for adding flavor.
Think back to your last meeting. Did the presenter talk, talk, talk, and then at the very end say, “Any questions?” (Some even add the nonverbal look that says, “I hope not!”) Socrates learned in ancient Greece that asking questions engaged learners. He also learned that it was not always well received by others who preferred to lecture. While it is said that it cost him his life, these days we believe the reverse is true: talk, talk, and more talk makes you indistinguishable from your colleagues and your competition. You become vanilla.
Dare to be different, even in small ways:
Don’t read your slides, ever.
Form the audience into discussion groups early.
Be simple and direct. Complex directions will not be well understood. Ask them to do one thing at a time.
Remove the traditional outline slide and speak to needs instead. Throw some meat out to the audience with a bold statement that will make them respond internally with, “This is worth listening to!”
Move around the room early and often. Move physically close to your audience.
Lighten up your presentations:
Don’t be afraid of humor; just never tell jokes.
Present in metaphors as well as in a data format.
Consider different kinds of snacks and drinks.
Consider not using PowerPoint when it is expected.
Become the master of teaching with a flip chart or whiteboard.
Consider yourself a teacher, not a presenter. Model your style after your favorite teacher.
Really engage with your audience early and often:
Meet and greet.
Talk with them on breaks.
One-on-one during breaks or discussions, ask whether they are “doing OK” frequently. They will often respond with encouragement for you, which will help you stay on track.
Prepare your audience for something that is extraordinarily “out of the ordinary”:
A leap of movement from one way of being to another
A creative meeting environment
Different kinds of food for meals or breaks
Interview a special guest (CEO, trustee, local leader) in front of the group.
Develop an internal routine, unseen by the audience:
Cyndi always walks into the audience no matter what the content or how large the room.
Kevin always begins with a story, usually three, to set the tone; then the audience is put into pairs to discuss a relevant question, then groups of three. This is standard for him.
Be ready to move, fall back, surge, and wait as needed:
Move when you see boredom in their eyes.
Fall back when they engage willingly with one another.
Surge when you feel more passion and energy in the group than you assumed would be there.
Therefore, add more of your own, move them less often and with deeper questions.
Wait patiently for them to tell, for them to explain, for them to summarize.
Be conscious of your goals, your time, and your unneeded content:
Streamline your content.
Teach in “chunks” of material. Adults learn best this way.
Never ever:
Race through your slides because you are short of time. No one is listening anyway. Focus on what experience they need, not what content you need.
Finish late. Never. Ever. Never. You will not be forgiven . . . ever!
Call someone out who seems not to be involved. He or she will hate you forever.
Think that you know more than they do. You might, but it is useless to think so. Form a learning community, not an adoration society.
Use a laser pointer . . . ever. It is the mark of a rank amateur, but we will be the only ones to tell you so.
It’s About Time!
Facilitation is the skill of the present and of the future. Gone are the days when great presenters lectured for an hour or more. Or in your experience, are they gone? Gone, too, are the days when the presenter’s questions were as they were in school—with only one right answer. Really gone? Really? Gone, too, we hope, are the days when the PowerPoint presentation was more powerful than the presenter. How about your last meeting? Perhaps these days should be gone.
If you want to assert leadership with your team and be seen as the expert, then you must learn how to facilitate a presentation (whether to one person or to one hundred people). Make conversation easy and useful, and help others think through necessary solutions rather than restating the problems we all know exist.
So How Do You Begin?
Know the “real” reason for the meeting and the “real” outcome desired.
Prepare short mini-lectures that address content but are short enough to allow for more interaction. Adult learning research says that “chunking” material, breaking it down into its component parts, is one of the best ways to convey complex information.
Assertively put the audience into small groups of two or three, with the following notice: “Please find a partner who is not the one sitting next to you, and have a seat.”
This is all it will take to get the room buzzing.
Then give them a topic and a time to talk.
When finished, somehow recover the data so all hear.
Trust that the audience knows more than you do.
Recognize and understand that to facilitate is not easy work. It is easier to prepare and deliver a PowerPoint presentation, beginning with: “I’ll take questions at the end.” It’s far easier to start a discussion when you know the answers. Leaving a voicemail message that spells out precisely what we want without creating a connection or engaging the other is just as easy, also.
The world of entrepreneurial work and the world of organizations are replete with examples of control, fear, authority, and organizational correctness. How often have you stayed quiet at a meeting when you knew your contribution would not be well received? How often do you see junior staff struggling to obey, conform, and do whatever is perceived as right in order to gain favor and to move ahead? How often are mistakes feared and—when they are made—blame is the order of the day, not learning, not alternatives, not reassurance, and certainly not encouragement.
We believe this need not be.
It All Begins with Courage
You can be a change agent in a transformative and still subtle way that allows for you to be a “stealth facilitator” where your impact will be felt, things will be different, people will change, and they will not know how, when, why, or who. They will only know “something is different here.”
It all begins, of course, with courage. The Viennese psychiatrist Alfred Adler once remarked that if he were to give a child any personality characteristic, it would be courage, for with courage, “one can combat life’s greatest problem, which is fear.”
How then is fear manifested where you work? How do you see fear play out in simple day-to-day situations? How does fear manifest itself in you? Do you become quiet? Dig in your heels? Ignore? Fight? Resent?
Do you recognize the fear behind excessive perfectionism or authoritarian demands; in departmental combat or in a deafening silence; in thoughtless conformity or group think? Regardless of fear’s manifestation, the danger is that we can live and work in a situation that constricts rather than elicits from, that concerns itself with transactions rather than transformations, and that forces us to tap down the potential of our people rather than tap the talent that lives within them. As you muster your courage, consider these three keys to begin the work of facilitating “fearlessly” wherever you go.
Three Keys to Facilitate Fearlessly
First, Remember That Your Goal Is to Be of Value to Others
If you see others as merely a path to what you want, it quickly becomes clear that you, not they, are the important ones. This is not a strong way to start.
Have you ever sat in the audience of a presenter who asked questions, seemingly to help the audience understand? Soon it became clear that what mattered was that the audience was supposed to give only the “right” answers. This form of teaching is common in traditional university classrooms and many professional schools. It encourages conformity, promotes discouragement, and often heightens a fear of embarrassment. As the audience offers up ideas, you can spot the presenter using this style because he keeps saying, “Not quite . . . no . . . pretty close. I guess no one knows this!” What becomes clear is that value is defined by what the presenter sees as valuable, not the audience’s experience or feedback.
Every person in your audience and on your team wants only one thing: to have his or her problem solved. Even the most loving, caring, other-focused person wants exactly the same thing that the most selfish, narcissistic, obnoxious person on your team wants: the problem solved. This is the true meaning of value. We often hear the term “value proposition” in business today as if we know what will fulfill our customers. What we propose to them is to seek their “yes.” What if, however, we had a “value conversation” with them instead. What if we listened? What if we asked? What if we saw value as they saw it: Can you help me?
Think about your next office conversation. Do you (or your colleague) focus on the other person or do you simply engage in a mutual monologue? Listen closely next time. Does your conversational partner talk about you or about him- or herself? How about you? Who is your focus?
If you master only three skills, these are the platinum standards. For it is with these seemingly simple skills that you will connect with the other, understand where to go next, and set yourself apart. Each of these skills is often misunderstood and misused. Be careful to understand and to use them with care, but also with courage.
Paraphrasing is not parroting. Parroting is repeating the exact same words that the other person used. This is annoying to them and can be terribly embarrassing to you, simply because most people will loudly proclaim, “Hello! I just said that!”
Paraphrasing is the skill of listening carefully to the other and then, in your own words, summarizing as closely as possible the essence of what the other meant. For example, imagine that a participant declares, “I really learned the most from the bad bosses I had, y’know the ones who looked over your shoulder all the time and wanted things ‘their way or the highway.’” Your paraphrase might be, “So you remember what the bad bosses did and how you learned from that?”
Summarizing is a bit different. When you summarize, you can even announce that you are doing so. (You don’t want to do that with paraphrasing; it is bad form and will knock you both off of your flow!) When you summarize, you are taking the content of the other person and arranging it in a way that presents it for his or her approval and perhaps continued presentation of his or her thoughts. In the example with the participant who remembered bad bosses, your summary may sound something like this: “So bad bosses taught you not to micro-manage and not to force people to do things one way only?”
