Haud That Bus! E-Book

Allan Morrison

• Herausgeber: Luath Press
• Kategorie: Lebensstil
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 157

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2020

Beschreibung

Meet Bus Pass Barbara and Bus Pass Molly.Since they first met in Glasgow's Buchanan Bus Station, they have been using their bus passes to explore new parts of Scotland they never dreamed they'd see.As they travel the country, they encounter crotchety drivers, snooty passengers and potentially eligible men, while saving weddings from catastrophes and walkers from sprained ankles.With a combination of both caustic wisecracking and cheeky humour, the Bus Pass Girls quickly become fast friends and travel companions as they navigate their way across the country.

Leseprobe

ALLAN MORRISON is a prolific author; his previous books include Last Tram tae Auchenshuggle! which combines three of his passions: humour, nostalgia and Glasgow. His media appearances include The One Show, The Riverside Show, Out of Doors and Good Morning Scotland.

He is involved in charity work and after-dinner speaking, and is a member of his local Rotary club. Allan enjoys hill-walking, sport and travel, and is a keen football supporter. He and his wife live in the west of Scotland, and he is the proud grandfather of four grandchildren.

First Published 2018

eISBN: 978-1-912387-93-9

The paper used in this book is recyclable. It is made from low chlorine pulps produced in a low energy, low emissions manner from renewable forests.

Printed and bound by

Ashford Colour Press, Gosport

Typeset in Sabon and MetaPlus by 3btype.com

The author’s right to be identified as author of this work under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 has been asserted.

© Allan Morrison 2018

Contents

Author’s Comments and Acknowledgements

Introduction

The Official Scotland-Wide Free Bus Travel Scheme for Older and Disabled People

Meet ‘Bus Pass Barbara’

Meet ‘Bus Pass Molly’

CHAPTER ONE

Their Adventures Begin… off to Dunoon

Barbara’s Place, 7.20pm

Molly’s Place, 6.45 pm

Bus Pass Patter!

CHAPTER TWO

Off to Edinburgh

Barbara’s Place, 8.10 pm

Molly’s Place, 7.45 pm

Bus Pass Patter!

CHAPTER THREE

Off to Oban

Barbara’s Place, 10.45pm

Molly’s Place, 11.00 p.m

Bus Pass Patter!

CHAPTER FOUR

Off to Perth

Barbara’s Place, 7.35 p.m

Molly’s Place, 7.50 p.m

Bus Pass Patter!

CHAPTER FIVE

Off to Ayr

Barbara’s Place, 7.35 p.m

Molly’s Place, 7.50 p.m

Bus Pass Patter!

CHAPTER SIX

Off to Inverness

Barbara’s Place, the Following Night

Molly’s Place, the Following Night

A Week Later at the Wincher’s Stance statue at Buchanan Bus Station

Author’s Comments and Acknowledgements

In the process of researching this book, I discovered there are many ‘Bus Pass Girls’ and ‘Bus Pass Boys’ out there, who, most days, use their free travel pass to advantage to enjoy trips throughout Scotland.

I am greatly indebted to Val and Eric Grieve, Craig Morrison, Morag and John Wilson, Andrew Pearson, and Lynne Roper for their help and observations.

The secret of staying young is to have fun, laugh often, eat slowly, be friendly, travel often… and lie about your age!

ANON.

Introduction

Since ‘The Bus Pass Girls’, Barbara and Molly, met up, and opted to use their bus passes more regularly, they have now experienced the fun of bus travel by exploring parts of Scotland they had never dreamt of seeing. Wonderful opportunities have been opened up to them, with Scotland now their oyster.

But these are not two innocent wee women. Barbara should not be underestimated as, although she tends to put on airs and graces, there is clearly another side to her. She can still deal with crotchety drivers, snooty passengers and cheeky weans with rapier-sharp patter. Her dizzy mercurial pal, Molly, is a natural at ‘gaun her dinger’ by using the Glasgow vernacular to great effect, continually demonstrating this with her withering put-downs.

Anybody picking on these apparently helpless older ladies is in for a shock, as their caustic wisecracking tongues can certainly handle all situations. In fact their cheeky brand of irreverent humour is now legendary amongst many of Scotland’s coach drivers. But don’t get the wrong idea, for they both can be quite helpful and kind when the occasion requires.

And, there may just be some eligible men onboard! Could be fun, eh?

The Official Scotland-Wide Free Bus Travel Scheme for Older and Disabled People

Barbara and Molly are fortunate that the Scotland-wide Bus Travel Concession Scheme, introduced in 2006, is available to them. It provides unlimited free travel on local bus services and scheduled long distance journeys for people of 60 and over, as well as eligible disabled people, who are resident in Scotland.

The aim of the Free Bus Pass scheme is to allow disabled and older (mind you, our two heroines would be most upset if they were referred to as ‘old’) people improved access to services, facilities and social networks. The idea is also to help promote social inclusion and improve health by advocating a more active lifestyle. In addition it encourages greater use of public transport rather than private cars.

Those eligible are issued with a National Entitlement Card which allows them unlimited free bus travel across the network in Scotland, at any time of day. It is well used because all of Scotland’s major towns and cities are served by short and long-distance bus services. The scheme also provides two free return ferry journeys a year to the mainland for card holders living on Orkney, Shetland and the Western Isles.

It is estimated that over 1.3 million cardholders benefit from this Scotland-wide scheme.

Eligibility criteria for free bus transport may, of course, change from time to time.

Meet Bus Pass Barbara

‘Some people think I am perjink and have a slight pretension to gentility. Well, to tell you the truth, I do have a distant cousin who lives in Edinburgh’s Morningside, and her mother was allegedly a colonel’s second cousin twice removed who rode with hounds.

‘I live on my own in a small pebble-dash semi in leafy Bearsden, Glasgow. Some people assert that it’s the oasis of high mortgages, Mercs, bridge clubs, book clubs, curling, good teeth, and yummie mummies driving four by fours while wearing pastel pants and cute little cardies. They’re probably right.

‘Sadly, I am a widow, although I suspect that the frightful little man next door has designs on me. Oh, he is so infuriating, I keep having to fend him off. If you ask me he is certifiably delusional. My dear husband, James, who was such a lovely man, retreated most nights to the garden shed to do manly things with his ‘Black and Decker’, although to be honest he did like a whisky or three, usually consumed in that ‘man cave’ shed of his as I called it. It resembled a Neanderthal’s retreat full of all the other clutter I didn’t want in the house, plus bits and bobs for which there will never again be any conceivable need. I don’t go near the place now.

‘Although, admittedly, I’m not in the first flush of youth, I do try to keep somewhat in shape, though it has to be admitted, when I wear my favourite dress, you know, the one with lots of red flowers, my bosom does look a bit like a floral ski slope.

‘I go weekly to see Dorothy, my hairdresser, or ‘coiffeur specialist’ as I prefer to call her. Got to keep up standards, you understand. Then there’s Cilla, my manicurist, who also helps to ensure that I remain presentable, and of course, I would never go anywhere without the lingering fragrance of a dab or two of Beautiful about my person. Furthermore it is necessary to keep a watchful eye on one’s posture, I always think.

‘So, over all, I consider myself to be well dressed, well heeled, and well read. (Well, I do take the Herald).

‘When I first learned of this free Bus Pass thing, I deliberated. Would someone of my obvious social standing really condescend to use a free pass? After all, I have to think of my position in life. However, the sad reality is that James’ half pension, plus my limited savings, means that I have to be prudent in my spending habits. Why should I pay on coaches when there is no need? Anyway, I strongly suspect others of my status take advantage of this scheme, too.

‘However, my chief reason for contemplating travelling out and about on the coaches, and I eventually acknowledged this to myself, was that occasionally I feel a teeny wee bit lonely. Coaches have other passengers on them, and with a bit of luck I thought I might just strike up a conversation with a suitable companion, preferably of the same social standing as myself. That was before I met Molly!

‘It’s funny that we get on so well, but as I have learned she is actually a kind, funny soul. And to be honest I think she was a bit lonely, too.

‘James and I lived very quiet lives. We didn’t have a family. I eventually felt that doing the Herald crossword, then sitting watching old quiz shows each day on the Challenge Network, was not ideal. So, I just said to myself, come on, old girl, why not see some of Scotland for free? After all, when James was alive we had an annual holiday in Arran. But apart from that, and a week once in Tenerife, my experience of travel is very limited indeed. Wouldn’t it be nice to visit Edinburgh, Oban, and the likes? I haven’t been anywhere for yonks.

‘My only real concern was the worrying thought that these coaches might be full of, well, ‘common’ folk, not to put too fine a point on it. It just shows you that one should not to be so elitist. Now my best friend in the world is Molly, and we are having the time of our lives.

And, let me tell you… boy, is she something else, an absolute hoot! She’s what they would call nowadays ‘off the wall’, but such fun to be with.’

Meet Bus Pass Molly

‘Naw. Ah don’t stay in a posh hoose like ma new frein, Barbara. But some o’ the neighburs are okay. Some others are in and oot o’ the jile mair often than the cludgie. Well, that’s whit happens when ye stay in a cooncil high rise, ah suppose. Mind you, there’ nothing like a wee bit o’ stairheid gossip.

‘Ah’m noo oan ma tod since ma son emigrated, an’ ah finally gave that layaboot o’ a husband o’ mine the heave-ho. Lazy is no’ the word fur it. Ah mean, ah had tae take cleaning jobs – polishin’ flairs, scrubbin’, dustin’ and vacuumin’ other folks’ hooses jist tae make ends meet.

‘That pain o’ a man did nothing but slouch around the hoose. His socks never matched. Always at half-mast. An’ he wore the same auld jumper wi’ gravy stains aw o’er it. Just moaned aboot his poor, wheezy chest an’ knocked aboot like death oot fur a dauner. An’ another thing, he wis aye smellin’ o’ BO, lager and Vick. They say a Scottish gentleman is somebuddy who hauds the door open fur his wife tae go tae the midden. Aye, well, he wis that kind o’ gentleman. He wis workin’ class like the rest o’ us. The problem wis he didnae work. So, as ah felt the best years o’ ma life were flying by, ah finally gave him the push.

‘Ye see, ah might no’ be the sharpest knife in the box, but wance ah make up ma mind on sumthin’, then that’s it. So, he had tae go. Definitely had to go. Went tae stay wi’ his sister. An’ noo ah’ve heard she’s chucked him oot, tae.

‘Ah wouldnae say ah have a temper, but ah can occasionally take a flakey an’ let fly at somewan who really gets up ma humph. An’ another thing, see if ah have a wee drink in me, then it’s probably better best tae stay oot ma road. Ah tend tae shoot fae the lip, as they say.

‘Ah certainly wisnae gonnae spend the rest o’ ma days looking efter that lazy lout? Ma maw wis right. Ah could’ve done better. Ah needed tae get oot the hoose mair noo he’s awa and have a bit o’ fun. Life wis passin’ me by. Ah never seemed to go anywhere, really. Jist tae the shops, an’ the fatty club.

‘So, wan day ah opened ma purse, no’ that there wis much in it, an’ whit did ah see… ma bus pass. Ah use it tae go intae the toon an’ roon aboot here an’ there, ye know. As ah say, let the bus take the strain. But, ah says tae masel, sure ah could use it aw roon Scotland, sure ah could? As ma auld faither used tae say, ‘adventure afore dementia’, though ah don’t think he had o’er much adventure. So ah jist says tae masel ah’ll jist treat yours truly an’ go a day here an’ there roon Scotland wi this bus pass. Explore the country a wee bit, eh? That’s the very thing fur me, says I. An’ that’s when ah met up wi’ Barbara.

‘Aw, she’s lovely, so she is. Real class.’

CHAPTER ONE

Their Adventures Begin… off to Dunoon

The huge departure board at Buchanan Bus Station in Glasgow flickered hypnotically as it changed with endless places, times and stance details. An intriguing variety of destinations throughout Scotland were continually on offer… all for free to the ‘chosen ones’: those with free bus passes.

As Barbara Sharp made her way through the busy concourse towards it, she suddenly felt her leg brush against something unyielding. ‘Watch ye don’t trip,’ came a voice, and looking round she saw a woman of around her own age with a mesmerising face and laughter lines defying you not to smile back, looking at her.

‘Thanks,’ replied Barbara before glancing at the obstacle. It was the leg of the girl in the famous kissing statue, Wincher’s Stance, as she bade her boyfriend farewell. ‘It’s been a while since anybody gave me a kiss like that,’ she smiled wistfully.

‘Me tae,’ replied the friendly lady. ‘Lucky lassie tae hae a boy like yon. So, where are ye aff tae the day?’

‘I don’t know,’ Barbara replied uncertainly while plucking at her tan shoulder bag. ‘I just thought it would be good to get myself out of the house. Maybe go somewhere nice. A change of air, as they always say.’

‘Me tae,’ came the reply. ‘Ah’m Molly, by the way,’ holding out her hand.

‘Oh, right, then.’ She hesitated before replying, but shook hands. ‘I’m Barbara. Have you been on many coach trips?’

‘Naw, naw. No’ really. Jist buses aroon Glesca. This is ma first time goin’ a bit further. A wee adventure you might say. Listen, if yer on yer oan what say we go thegither, eh? A bit o’ company. God knows ah could dae wi’ it. See ma ex – useless. Waste o’ space. An’ quite a number o’ the folk ah know keep dyin’. Dead inconsiderate. Ah’m thinkin’ o’ getting’ a season ticket fur that crematorium. An’ whit ah find is amazin’, is that in they card shops the Get Well cards are always next to the With Sympathy wans.’

‘Yes. Unfortunately I have also lost a few friends who have stepped off this mortal coil, as they say.’

Barbara sized Molly up. She was wearing trousers, a glitzy top and a pale blue anorak. Looked like the typical Glasgow person of a certain age; small, stocky and with a robust complexion. A bit common, but keen to be friendly. And she brought to mind the persistent little robin who followed her around her garden – head cocked, bright eyed, expectant. Why not? Try it once, anyway. ‘That would be fine,’ she replied. ‘I’m actually a widow. My James died two years ago.’

‘Sorry tae hear that. But that would be smashin’ tae get a wee bit company. So where dae ye fancy fur oor first trip?’

‘First trip? But we may not like it or even get on together, Molly,’ replied a most unsure Barbara.

‘Dinnae worry, we’ll get oan like a hoose oan fire. Ah can tell,’ said the enthusiastic Molly. ‘Where dae ye fancy? Personally ah fancy Dunoon. Ah know somebuddy that did it recently. An’ ye get two free cruises across the Clyde thrown in. Magic, eh?’

‘I don’t fancy the thrown in bit,’ smiled Barbara. ‘But that sounds quite nice.’

‘Ah remember as a wee girl going doon the watter wi’ ma family, an’ throwing stones into the Clyde at Dunoon,’ reminisced Molly. ‘Years ago it wis gie popular wi’ holidaymakers. Ye could row wee boats, an’ play puttin’ an’ stuff. Let’s find oot when the Dunoon bus leaves, eh?’

Looking up at the destination board Molly excitedly exclaimed. ‘Quick, looks like it leaves at 9.58 frae stance 51. Hey, that’s in five minutes time. We’d better be smart if we’re tae get oan it.’

Sure enough, the large white coach, a number ‘701 ClydeFlyer’, was sitting in stance 51. They could see a number of heads at the windows, and it looked as though the 48 seater bus was already quite busy.

Both ladies quickly got out their purses and removed their bus passes, before climbing the four steps onto the coach. The driver, drumming on the steering wheel, glanced at both and quipped, ‘You two young ladies away fur a wee gallivant oan ma bus, then?’

‘Aye,’ replied Molly. ‘Two tae Dunoon, please. Ye see, son, the problem is oor chau-foors are cleanin’ the limos the day.’

The driver gave her a longer, wry look. ‘Aye, sure,’ he answered.

Molly further quipped, ‘An’ see an’ drive carefully. Have the decency tae wait till we sit doon. The last bus ah wis oan in Glesca the driver jist shot aff an’ gave me the fright o’ ma life. An’ another thing, son. Ah hope ye’ve goat the champagne chillin’ fur the cruise o’er tae Dunoon.’

The bemused driver raised his eyebrows. He replied, ‘Aye, sure thing, hen.’

‘An’ another thing, son,’ replied Molly. ‘Ah’m no’ a hen. Ah might be an auld burd but ah huvvnae goat a turkey neck or chicken wings.’ The driver looked unconvinced.

‘Look,’ interrupted Barbara averting trouble, ‘the two front seats are free. We’ll get a nice view as we go along.’

‘Great idea, Barbara,’ replied Molly enthusiastically. ‘Dae ye want tae sit next tae the window?’

‘That would be nice. Thank you,’ said Barbara sitting down and making herself comfortable.

Before she sat down Molly had a quick look up the aisle of the coach. It seemed to be mostly older people like themselves. Passengers were either peering at the two latecomers, chatting, or looking intently at their iPhones.

Across from Molly and Barbara were a middle-aged couple reading Scottish tourist guides. Their leisure suits, good teeth and white trainers suggested they could be American.

‘Good cumfy seats, eh, Barbara?’ said Molly sitting down.

‘Yes, very nice. And they’re leather, too. And I really like the large windows with curtains you can pull over if the sun gets in your eyes.’

‘This is Scotland, Barbara. Ah bet they don’t use they curtains o’er much.’

‘By the way,’ said Barbara. ‘My full name is Barbara Sharp, and I prefer Barbara to Babs. What’s yours?’

‘Well, ah’m Elizabeth Mary McDuff, to give me ma Sunday name. But ah prefer Molly.’