Living Like You Mean It E-Book

Ronald J. Frederick

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Religion und Spiritualität
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 332

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2009

Beschreibung

In LIVING LIKE YOU MEAN IT, author Ronald J. Frederick, does a brilliant job of describing why people are so afraid of their emotions and how this fear creates a variety of problems in their lives. While the problems are different, the underlying issue is often the same. At the core of their distress is what Dr. Frederick refers to as feelings phobia. Whether it s the experience of love, joy, anger, sadness, or surprise, our inborn ability to be a fully feeling person has been hijacked by fear--and it s fear that s keeping us from a better life. The book begins with a questionnaire-style list that help readers take an honest look at themselves and recognize whether and how they are afraid of their feelings. It then moves on to explore the origins of fear of feeling and introduces a four-part program for overcoming the fear: (1) Become aware of and learn to recognize feelings--anger, sadness, joy, love, fear, guilt/shame, surprise, disgust. (2) Master techniques for taming the fear. (3) Let the feeling work its way all the way through to its resolution. (4) Open up and put those feelings into words and communicate them confidently. With wisdom, humor, and compassion, the book uses stories and examples to help readers see that overcoming feelings phobia is the key to a better life and more fulfilling relationships.

Leseprobe

Table of Contents

Praise

Title Page

Copyright Page

Dedication

Acknowledgements

Epigraph

Introduction

WHY THIS BOOK?

ABOUT THIS BOOK

PART I - Preparation

CHAPTER 1 - To Feel or Not to Feel

A PHOBIA OF SORTS

RECOGNIZING THE SIGNS

TO BE OR NOT TO BE

CHAPTER 2 - How the Heck Did IGet This Way?

WHAT WENT WRONG?

IN THE BEGINNING

I AM A ROCK, I AM AN ISLAND

IT’S ALL IN YOUR HEAD

THE ROAD MORE TRAVELED

KAREN’S BRAIN

HOW’S THE WEATHER INSIDE?

UNWRITTEN RULES

MY HOUSE

UPGRADING THE WIRING

AND A ROCK FEELS NO PAIN; AND AN ISLAND NEVER CRIES

PART 2 - Taking Action

CHAPTER 3 - STEP ONE Becoming Aware of Your Feelings

WHEN IGNORANCE IS NOT BLISS

EMOTIONAL MINDFULNESS

IT JUST DOES THAT SOMETIMES

LEFT OR RIGHT, WHICH WAY SHOULD I GO?

CHOICES, CHOICES, CHOICES

BACK TO BASICS

LET’S TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT

TUNING IN TO YOUR FEELINGS

CHAPTER 4 - STEP ONE, CONTINUED Becoming Aware of Your Defenses

WHAT’S GOING ON?

LINES OF DEFENSE

THE SHAPE OF THINGS

EVERY TIME WE SAY GOOD-BYE

GETTING TO KNOW YOU

DEFENSES IN ACTION

FEELINGS CAN BE DEFENSIVE TOO

NOW WHAT?

CHAPTER 5 - STEP TWO Taming the Fear

DAY OF RECKONING

BEYOND YOUR DEFENSES

BACK TO THE BRAIN

PAUSE FOR STATION IDENTIFICATION

WHAT’S IN A NAME?

KEEP IT SIMPLE

WHEN THINGS AREN’T CLEAR

MINDFUL TRACKING

TAKE A BREATHER

ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE

TAKE HEART

YOUR TURN

CHAPTER 6 - STEP THREE Feeling It Through

THE NATURE OF THINGS

LET THE RIVER RUN

IT IS WHAT IT IS

ACCEPTING WHAT IS

GETTING IN TOUCH

PAYING ATTENTION

ONE STEP AT A TIME

SLOWING DOWN

GIVING WAY

A WORD (OR TWO) ABOUT ANGER

RIDING OUT THE WAVE

SEEING IT THROUGH

TAKE TIME TO REFLECT

TAKING CARE

CHAPTER 7 - STEP FOUR Opening Up

A FAMILIAR KIND OF FEAR

GETTING STARTED

HEEDING THE CALL

THE POWER OF WORDS

EXPRESSING YOURSELF

MINDFUL COMMUNICATION

NOT SO HARD AFTER ALL

SOMETHING BETTER

CHAPTER 8 - Putting It All Together

ALEX: THE GIFT OF GRIEF

LAUREN: BEFRIENDING FEAR

JULIE: MAKING ROOM FOR JOY

BRIAN: UNCOVERING THE ROAD TO REPAIR

KATE: GROWING INTO HAPPINESS

MARK: WAKING UP TO ANGER

FRANK: FINDING THE COURAGE TO LOVE

IN OUR OWN WAY

CONCLUSION - Making a Choice

APPENDIX: SEEKING PROFESSIONAL HELP

More Praise for Living Like You Mean It

“Where shall we run if we run from ourselves? This book asks us to look anew at our models of health and happiness and to realize that personal liberation is not possible if we are not at liberty to feel what we feel. Through stories and examples, Ron Frederick walks us through that issue in a way that is simple, clear, and focused and that has a chance to fundamentally change human lives.”

—Steven C. Hayes, foundation professor, Department of Psychology, University of Nevada, and author, Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life

“Written like he means it—and clearly he does—Ron Frederick’s book is a gift, written by a master clinician and an amazing person. His heart and soul, his humor and sparkling intelligence, his pathos and practicality, are all there from the great title to the very last word. Down to earth and with a twinkle in his eyes, Ron Frederick is the guide and companion you have been looking for. As he passionately makes clear: you can shed your resignation and vitality and joy can be yours again. And as you journey to reconnect with yourself and those you love—you will not be alone. Step by step, you feel him with you, steady and wise. What a great book! I will recommend it to my patients and friends alike. And, what’s more, I can’t wait to read it again.”

—Diana Fosha, Ph.D., director, the AEDP Institute, and author, The Transforming Power of Affect

“Dr. Frederick’s wise and powerful book is an inspiration. It is also a practical guide to help us feel more deeply, face our fears more confidently, and live each moment more fully.”

—Dr. Larina Kase, author, The Confident Leader and the New York Times best seller The Confident Speaker

“Dr. Frederick’s first book demonstrates his gift of communicating in an accessible, human, meaningful manner about one of life’s most important mysteries—the true value and purpose of our emotions. He shows us how to navigate the guidance system they provide on the road to happiness, fulfillment, and depth in our lives. Hopefully, this will be the first of many books from this gifted writer.”

—Joseph Bailey, licensed psychologist and best-selling author of Fearproof Your Life and Slowing Down to the Speed of Life

“It is a delight to read a book on emotions that integrates so much of the cutting-edge research in brain, body, mind, and attachment. Ron Fredrick has managed to take difficult concepts and translate them into language that is understandable. This is a book for those who seek to reconnect with their own emotions, and with the emotions of people they care about. I highly recommend Living Like You Mean It.”

—Marion Solomon, Ph.D., director, Clinical Training, Lifespan Learning Institute, and author, Lean on Me

Copyright © 2009 by Ronald J. Frederick. All rights reserved.

Published by Jossey-Bass

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Readers should be aware that Internet Web sites offered as citations and/or sources for further information may have changed or disappeared between the time this was written and when it is read.

The lines “I am a rock, I am an island” and “And a rock feels no pain; and an island never cries” are from “I Am a Rock,” recorded and released by Simon & Garfunkel in 1965. Copyright © 1965 by Paul Simon.

Excerpt from “The Road Not Taken” is from The Poetry of Robert Frost, edited by Edward Connery Lathem. Copyright © 1916, 1969 by Henry Holt & Company. Copyright © 1944 by Robert Frost. .

Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Neither the publisher nor author shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, con sequential, or other damages.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Frederick, Ronald J. (date).

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

eISBN : 978-0-470-49671-8

1. Emotions. 2. Success—Psychological aspects. I. Title.

BF511.F74 2009

152.4—dc22

2008041907

HB Printing

To my family,By birth and by choice

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

WHEN I STARTED DOWN THE PATH OF WRITING this book five years ago, I had no idea what the journey would entail. I couldn’t have gone the distance alone. It is with deep gratitude that I thank the following people who, in their own special way, have helped me make this book a reality:

Dan Ambrosio, my literary agent at Vigliano Associates, for his belief in this project from the beginning; for his energy, enthusiasm, and support; and for shepherding me through this process with aplomb. I couldn’t have asked for a better advocate.

Sheryl Fullerton, my editor at Jossey-Bass, for her deep appreciation and understanding of my message (and helping me convey it in far fewer words); her excellent suggestions; her steady, guiding hand; and her professional integrity. It’s been a joy to work with her.

The wonderful team at Jossey-Bass, for their humanity, hard work, and commitment to excellence.

Katherine Crowley, of K Squared Enterprises, for knowing I had this book in me before I did, for being there for me at just the right moments, and for introducing me to Dan Ambrosio.

Mark Chimsky, Mark Levy, and Mary Carroll Moore, who, early on, lent their literary expertise to the proposal, and helped give it wings.

Larina Kase, of Performance & Success Coaching, for her wonderful guidance, enthusiasm, and generosity.

The many family members, friends, and colleagues who generously read the manuscript at various stages in its development, discussed its content, and provided me with invaluable feedback and encouragement. In particular, Tim Beyer, Kim Frederick, Jackie Frederick-Berner (who also came up with the title, Living Like You Mean It), Diana Fosha, SueAnne Piliero, Sara Beyer (who also created the diagrams in Chapter Four), Donna Fraser, Noah Glassman, Ben Lipton, Natasha Prenn, Danny Yeung, Belinda Boscardin, Stacey Kirchner, Jenny Moore, and Christopher Szarke.

The many teachers and talented therapists who have inspired me, shaped my thinking, and fostered my clinical development. Especially, Diana Fosha, Leigh McCullough, Isabel Sklar, Jill Strunk, Gil Tunnell, Michael Laikin, Terry Sheldon, Maria Derevenco, John Budin, members of the International Experiential Dynamic Therapy Association, and my colleagues at the Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy Institute.

My students, for challenging me to put my thinking and approach into words, inspiring me with their talent and desire to learn, and helping me grow both as a teacher and clinician.

My clients, for allowing me into their hearts and lives, honoring me with their deepest feelings, and inspiring me with their courage. It’s a privilege to be a part of their journeys.

The staff at Park House, for their caring hearts and delightful sense of humor.

Susan Schaefer, trusted guide, for being there when the road got tough and helping me be able to be present for the good stuff.

Diana Fosha, therapist extraordinaire, for teaching me, from the “bottom-up,” about the transforming power of emotion and, in the doing, helped change the course of my life. This book wouldn’t exist had it not been for the work we did together. Her continued support, generosity, and friendship are a gift.

My friends, for their frequent check-ins, words of encouragement, and rescuing me from my laptop.

My family, for their love and support, for their steadfast belief in me, and for making me laugh like no one else.

Finally, Tim Beyer, a better partner I couldn’t have imagined if I tried. I thank him, quite simply, for everything.

To protect confidentiality, the people described in this book are composites of many different clients with whom I have worked. Names and essential identifying characteristics are fictitious, and any resemblance to a single person is coincidental.

The best and most beautiful things in the worldcannot be seen or even touched.They must be felt with the heart.

—Helen Keller

INTRODUCTION

Considering THAT YOU’VE PICKED UP THIS BOOK and are reading it right now, it’s probably safe to say that, in some way, you’re feeling dissatisfied with your life. However, when you look at the facts, they don’t quite add up to a life that’s lacking. Your days are busy and full. You have friends, work colleagues, family, maybe even a partner or spouse. Yet something just doesn’t seem right. Something’s missing.

Many of us feel this way. We long to be more alive and present in our lives, more in touch with ourselves, and closer to those we love. Yet no matter what we do, we can’t seem to get there. We wonder why we’re unhappy. Why our relationships aren’t more satisfying. Why life isn’t more gratifying. We wonder,