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- Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
- Kategorie: Ratgeber
- Sprache: Englisch
Explore strategies, ideas and advice for overcoming loneliness Anyone, whatever their age, gender, culture or abilities, can find themselves separate and disconnected from others and feeling lonely. If you feel lonely you are lonely. And it's not nice. But your situation can change for the better! In Lonely Less: How to Connect with Others, Make Friends and Feel Less Lonely, bestselling author Gill Hasson delivers practical strategies you can implement immediately to counter loneliness and connect with other people. The book recognises that as social beings, we each need to interact with others; to connect in positive ways and feel that we are understood, that we belong and are valued by others. It offers: * A guide to meeting new people and making friends * Advice on how best to 'fit in' with others * Ideas on how to spend time alone * Recommendations for keeping connected when working from home * Expert advice on managing existential loneliness; the disconnection that can follow a traumatic experience Whether you're looking to empower yourself or help someone else, Lonely Less is a must-read in order to better connect with others, take part in social activities, make friends, be understood and feel a sense of belonging.
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Seitenzahl: 224
Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2021
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Table of Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Introduction
1 Understanding Loneliness
Defining Loneliness
The Purpose of Loneliness
Different Ways of Being Lonely
Why Might You Feel Lonely? The External Circumstances that Can cause Loneliness
Why Might You Feel Lonely? Your Mindset – the Internal Circumstances – that Can Cause Loneliness
Mindsets
Attributional Styles
So, What to Do?
2 Knowing What You Want
3 Positive Thinking
Why Negative Thinking Is Unhelpful
Recognize Negative Self Talk
Moving on to Positive Thoughts and Actions: Acceptance and Commitment
4 Meeting New People
Trying Something New
Take a Class
Groups Where the Specific Aim Is to Connect People
Apps that Help People Connect with Others
Helplines and Support
Volunteer
Step Out of Your Comfort Zone
Have Courage!
5 Making Friends: What to Do
Think of Creative Ways to Spend Time with Others
Let Friendships Develop Naturally
6 Making Friends: What to Say
Say Something About Yourself; Your Ideas, Experiences, Opinions
Keep the Conversation Going
Build Your Confidence
7 Fitting In
Are You Trying Too Hard?
8 Getting Closer
Dating Scams
9 Managing Existential Loneliness
Writing About Your Experience
The Loneliness of Bereavement
Help and Support
Get the Help and Support You Need
Support Groups
Post‐Traumatic Growth
10 Spending Time Alone
Find ‘Flow’
Do Something!
Small Pleasures and Awesome Things
Explore New Activities and Hobbies
Home Study
Do Something from Home, for Other People
Going Out Alone
Get Out in Nature
Find Spirituality
Appreciate Three Things
11 Working from Home and Loneliness at Work
Get Connected. Stay Connected
Keeping Social Contact – Five Stories
Lonely in the Workplace
Dealing with Bullying and Harassment
Working at Home as a Carer
12 Being Inclusive: Helping Others to Connect and to Belong
Be Welcoming, Approachable, and Inclusive
Supporting Someone Who Is Lonely
Help Someone to Be More Connected
Share Time and Activities Together
Connecting with Other People
Supporting Someone Experiencing Emotional or Existential Loneliness
Reducing Loneliness at Work
Volunteer
Further Information and Support
Information and Research
Helplines and Support
Social Groups
Classes and Courses
Free Virtual Classes and Courses
Websites and Apps to Connect with Others
Volunteering Opportunities
Environmental Volunteering
Volunteer Work with Animals
Volunteering in Sports
Medical Volunteering
Volunteering from Home
Help and Support for Specific Issues: Organizations and Support Groups
Bereavement
Victim of a Crime
Bullying and Harassment at Work
Support for Specific Issues and Challenges
Feeling Suicidal
Get Out in Nature
Counselling and Therapy
Podcast
Books by Gill Hasson
About the Author
Index
End User License Agreement
Guide
Cover
Table of Contents
Begin Reading
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Lonely Less
How to Connect with Others, Make Friends and Feel Less Lonely
Gill Hasson
This edition first published 2021© 2021 by Gill Hasson
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Hasson, Gill, author. | John Wiley & Sons, publisher.
Title: Lonely less : how to connect with others, make friends and feel less lonely / Gill Hasson.
Description: [Hoboken, NJ] : Wiley, 2021. | Includes index.
Identifiers: LCCN 2021017320 (print) | LCCN 2021017321 (ebook) | ISBN 9780857089045 (paperback) | ISBN 9780857089038 (adobe pdf) | ISBN 9780857089076 (epub)
Subjects: LCSH: Loneliness—Psychological aspects. | Interpersonal relations.
Classification: LCC BF575.L7 H444 2021 (print) | LCC BF575.L7 (ebook) | DDC 158.2—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021017320
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021017321
Cover Design: Wiley
Being lonely goes right to the core of our wellbeing. When we're lonely we describe it with words like ‘lost’, ‘helpless’ and ‘abandoned’. There is no one solution to loneliness but understanding and thinking about ways in which we can either be less lonely ourselves or help those around us is an important part of the puzzle.
Robin Hewings, Programme Director of Campaign to End Loneliness
Loneliness is an emotion we are all likely to experience at some point in our lives. It's so important and encouraging to see the conversation normalised around it.
Amy Perrin, Founder, Marmalade Trust
Introduction
Your life does not get better by chance. It gets better by change.
Jim Rohn
Are you lonely? If so, you're not alone. Anyone – whatever their age, gender, culture, abilities, or state of health – can find themselves alone, isolated, separate in some way from others and feeling lonely.
If you feel lonely you are lonely. And it's not nice. At best, loneliness is uncomfortable. At worst, it's miserable and can leave you feeling desperate.
Human beings are social beings; we need to interact with others – to connect in positive ways and to feel that we are understood, that we belong and are valued by others. If you're lonely, there's nothing wrong with you; they might feel uncomfortable, but the lonely feelings are there to prompt you to connect with other people.
So many studies have shown that friendships boost our happiness. In 2002, Professors Ed Diener and Martin Seligman conducted a study at the University of Illinois which showed that a person's happiness is highly correlated with social relationships. They reported that ‘the most salient characteristics shared by the 10% of students with the highest levels of happiness and the fewest signs of depression were their strong ties to friends and family and commitment to spending time with them’.
But what exactly is loneliness? How and why can a person become lonely? Chapter 1 explains this. It explains the circumstances that any one of us can find ourselves in and that result in being alone and feeling lonely.
There's no doubt that your situation – a gradual or sudden change in your circumstances – can have a direct impact on the extent to which you feel connected to others. But it's not just your circumstances – where you live, for example, or the level of access to services and social activities, or perhaps health issues, work or care commitments, or a bereavement – that can be the reason behind your loneliness. Your thoughts about your situation have a huge influence on how lonely you feel. If, for example, you get stuck thinking how unfair your situation is, believing that your loneliness is due to circumstances that you have little or no control over, then you're unlikely to be motivated to do something about it.
The problem is that feelings of loneliness can set off a downward spiral of negative thoughts and feelings which then lead to even more intense feelings of loneliness and these can serve to shut you down and close you off from others. However, the good news is that the downward spiral of negative thoughts also works in reverse: changing the way you think can lead to a change in feelings and behaviours which then generates an upward spiral out of loneliness.
Your situation can change for the better!
Chapter 2 encourages you to think first about what you need and want in the way of connections and friendships. Chapter 3 then explains how you can step away from negative ways of thinking and commit yourself to more helpful ways of thinking about your situation so that you're in a better position to take positive action.
A study in 2016 by the Red Cross, in partnership with the Co‐Op, discovered that 7% of those who are regularly lonely don't know where to turn for support, with many feeling there is a stigma attached to admitting feelings of loneliness, which makes it hard for them to seek help.
But there is support out there. There are people who are open to meeting others and making friends. You've just got to find them. Chapter 4 explains where to find them. It will take some time and effort on your part; you'll need to be willing to meet others, to be yourself and give something of yourself.
You might be anxious about taking the first steps towards reaching out and joining in with others, but in this chapter, as in the rest of this book, I encourage you to focus on the positive, to remind yourself what it is that you want: to connect with and get to know other people. People that you like and who like you. Focusing on the positive can give you the motivation and courage you need to take the necessary first step.
So far, so good. But once you've connected with other people, how do you turn those new connections into friendships? Again, it takes time and effort. You can't just wait for others to invite you to do things. You have to be willing to be the one to suggest doing something together. Chapter 5 has lots of ideas and advice. There are also ideas for how to maintain connections if you can't get together physically with other people.
By gathering up a bit of courage and taking those first few steps, new people and acquaintances can become friends. What if you don't have the confidence to chat easily to new people? You don't have to impress, you just have to be nice. Smile, ask questions, listen, take a genuine interest in the other person and say something about yourself. Chapter 6 has lots of advice and encouragement for you.
As you will have realized by now, to meet people, to get to know someone better and become friends, you have to reach out. But you also have to be prepared to risk rejection. If someone doesn't seem that keen on becoming friends with you, that's OK. They've got stuff going on and you don't know what it is. It's not you!
What to do though if, in a particular situation or a variety of situations, it doesn't matter what you say or do, you just don't feel like you fit in?
It's important to know that fitting in and feeling that you belong doesn't just come from being accepted by others. It starts with accepting and being yourself. It's easy to be too concerned with what others think of you, with the result that you try to be someone you're not. Rather than act like you're someone else, you need to do quite the opposite. You need to act yourself. Chapter 7 explains how to do this.
Chapter 8 moves on to looking at how you might get closer to others; to have warm, supportive friendships. It explains that you'll need to be prepared to open up yourself and be open to others. You don't have to reveal your deepest hopes, thoughts, and fears but you do need to share something that's a bit more personal than your thoughts on the weather and the price of fish! You'll also need to ask people about themselves; be interested in what they feel and think about things.
However, you'll need to be careful not to misunderstand or misinterpret the attention of others and make yourself vulnerable to others whose motives are not genuine and sincere; people who aren't good for you. Chapter 8 also explains more about this and how a difficult, negative relationship can leave you feeling isolated and lonely. You need positive people! People who you can be yourself with, who make you feel good about yourself; who listen to you and encourage you.
If you've experienced a trauma – a situation that you're currently going though or something that happened in the past – you absolutely need positive, supportive people. Unfortunately, you can feel entirely disconnected from other people as a result of a traumatic experience. Even if you do have good friends and family members, you may feel that no one understands. As a result, you might withdraw from others; you might find it difficult to relate to or trust others.
Whatever trauma you've experienced there will be support there for you. Professional help and/or a support group that can provide a safe place to share, be listened to, get advice, support, and information. You can connect with others via phone, video, email, or in person. You've just got to make the first move and be persistent in finding the support that's right for you. Chapter 9 and the Further Information pages at the back of the book can be of help.
Chapter 10 moves on to time spent alone. Of course relationships are important but they're not the only way to feel connected. We each need to balance time with others and time on our own. You need to feel at ease without others; to be comfortable and enjoy some time alone. Instead of getting stuck in feelings of loneliness, your mind is better placed looking for ways to make time on your own easier. How can you make time alone easier? By doing things that you enjoy and make you feel good. Chapter 10 has plenty of ideas and suggestions.
Chapter 11 turns to the subject of loneliness at work. It recognizes that it's not just working from home that can be isolating and lonely; working with others amongst difficult, unsupportive relationships can leave you feeling isolated and lonely too. Again, there's advice and suggestions in this chapter too.
Finally, Chapter 12 has advice for reaching out to others who may also be struggling with feelings of loneliness. Whether they want to connect with others and take part in social activities, find people to make friends with, feel less isolated at work, or they have particular difficulty or have experienced a trauma, your concern, kindness, and support can make a big difference. In fact, if you'd like to make a sustained difference on a regular basis in helping others to feel less lonely, there's a range of global, national, and local initiatives and organizations you can sign up to.
Whether you want to be less lonely, connect with others, make friends and feel that you belong or you want to help others to be the same, as the saying goes – it's never too late to be what you want to be!
1Understanding Loneliness
All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?
Lennon and McCartney
Defining Loneliness
There's a difference between being alone and being lonely. To be alone simply means to be separate, to be apart in some way. You could be physically alone, for example – the only person in the room. Or, in another example, amongst a group of other people, you might be alone in your thoughts and feelings, opinions, and beliefs about something.
The crucial difference between being alone and being lonely concerns how you feel about being alone. If you're not OK with being on your own in a particular situation, you'll feel lonely. But if you are OK – if you feel quite comfortable – being alone in that situation won't be a difficulty for you.
In fact, there are times when you might choose to be alone; you may have chosen solitude. Solitude is being alone by choice; it's wanting to be alone and being comfortable in your own company. In contrast, loneliness is unwanted – it's not wanting to be alone. Solitude is something you might seek. Loneliness is something you probably want to avoid.
The difference between solitude and loneliness could be described as the difference between, for example, enjoying watching a film or box set on your own, versus crying on the sofa because you wish you had someone to watch that film or box set with.
If you are lonely, you're probably feeling you are without friendly companionship and support; that you are not connected in a meaningful way to others, to the world, to life. You may well feel that no one understands you or that they misunderstand you.
At its best, loneliness is uncomfortable and at its worst, it's downright miserable and can leave you feeling wretched, depressed, even despairing. Loneliness can leave you questioning your value to others and where in life you belong.
The Purpose of Loneliness
But if being lonely leaves us feeling sad and unhappy, why do we experience it? What possible purpose can the loneliness serve?
As the first few lines of Benjamin Zephaniah's poem ‘People Need People’ tell us:
People need people,
To walk to
To talk to
To cry and rely on,
People will always need people.
To love and to miss
To hug and to kiss
It's true; people do need people. Human beings are social beings; we need to interact with others; to connect in positive ways and to feel that we belong and are valued. People need people to look out for each other's wellbeing and to keep each other safe, both physically and mentally.
Loneliness serves a purpose in the same way that hunger and thirst serve a purpose. Hunger and thirst send signals; those signals are uncomfortable physical feelings that prompt you to eat and drink. Loneliness also sends a signal; it's an uncomfortable emotional feeling that alerts you to the fact that you need to connect to others.
Knowing that feelings of loneliness are a part of the human condition can reassure you that, if you're lonely, there's nothing wrong with you – you're simply experiencing feelings that are a natural prompt for you to do something about it; to connect with other people.
We are like islands in the sea, separate on the surface but connected in the deep.
William James
How do you know if you are lonely?
Loneliness is subjective. No matter how many or how few people you are connected to, no matter how many friends you have, no matter how well you get on or how well you fit in with others, if you feel lonely, you are lonely.
Loneliness may be an occasional, passing feeling that you can manage or it may be more long term. You might feel a bit lonely or you might feel very lonely or feel somewhere in between.
Different Ways of Being Lonely
There is, though, more than one way of experiencing loneliness; you might be socially lonely and/or emotionally lonely and/or experiencing existential loneliness.
Social loneliness happens when you have very few or no friends, family, or community; you have little or no contact with others and are unhappy about it.
Emotional loneliness happens when you feel that you are missing a close meaningful relationship or relationships. You may have one or more friends, colleagues, family, and/or a partner, but with some or all of those people, you don't feel close – you don't feel that you have a shared warmth, understanding, and empathy.
You might become aware of being emotionally lonely if you need someone to talk to about something going on in your life, but feel that there is no one – or not the right person or people – who would be interested or care to talk with you.
You might, for example, have a particular perspective, belief, opinion, or feeling about something that no one around you shares or agrees with. If it bothers you that you're alone with your beliefs – that no one shares your perspective, opinions, or feelings – you may feel unhappy that you're not understood or that you're misunderstood. You might feel that you don't fit in; that you don't belong.
No doubt you've heard the cliché that it's possible to feel lonely in a crowd. You've probably also heard the saying ‘Hell is other people’. Well, loneliness, like hell, can be other people.
Loneliness isn't [just] the physical absence of other people … it's the sense that you're not sharing anything that matters with anyone else. If you have lots of people around you…. but you don't share anything that matters with them, then you'll still be lonely.
Johann Hari
As well as social and emotional loneliness, another type of loneliness is existential loneliness. Existential loneliness happens if you're feeling entirely separate and disconnected from other people as a result of a challenging, difficult, or traumatic experience. It could be a situation that you're currently going though or something that happened in the past. Whatever the issue and the circumstances, experiencing a trauma can leave you feeling, amongst other things, disconnected; lonely, anxious, and vulnerable.
Each state of loneliness – social, emotional, and existential loneliness – can overlap with another; it wouldn't be unusual to experience one or more types of loneliness at the same time. You might, for example, feel socially lonely and emotionally lonely – that you have few, if any, friends and that with the people you do know, you don't feel close to any of them.
Why Might You Feel Lonely? The External Circumstances that Can cause Loneliness
Whether you are experiencing social, emotional, or spiritual loneliness, for however long a period and however intensely you feel lonely, you're not alone. Research published in 2016 by the Co‐Op in partnership with the British Red Cross estimated that, one way or another, loneliness affects 9 million people across the UK.
The causes of loneliness are varied. They include issues to do with your external circumstances – where you live, for example – and your internal circumstances – your mindset; the way you think about your situation.
If you're lonely it could be that you:
Live on your own; you have little in the way of companionship.
Live in an isolated part of the country; there's little in the way of social activities to join in with and limited services such as public transport. Maybe you don't have your own transport.
Have little or no money to join in with the activities you'd like to be involved in.
Have a physical disability or illness; you might find it difficult to get out and about.
Have a cognitive disability or a mental health problem which makes it difficult to communicate and connect with others.
Work or have other commitments such as family and care responsibilities that leave you with little or no free time for a social life.
