Love the Ones Who Drive You Crazy E-Book

Jamie Dunlop

• Herausgeber: Crossway
• Kategorie: Religion und Spiritualität
• Sprache: Englisch

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2023

Beschreibung

Loving Those at Church Who Are Hard to Love Churches are full of differences. Those differences might be rooted in culture or personality or even musical style. In recent years, differences over political and social issues have frayed the unity of many churches. Yet if a church is centered on Christ alone, then unity at church will sometimes require building genuine friendships that bridge across all those differences. How can Christians navigate those relationships? Can they really love people at church who sometimes drive them crazy?   This practical guide explores 8 truths from Romans 12–15 that show us how to find God-exalting unity at church with those we struggle to love. Love the Ones Who Drive You Crazy is a roadmap to finding joy in Christ through the many differences we have with fellow believers, a joy that powerfully declares the glory of God. Because easy love rarely shows off gospel power. - Rooted in Scripture: Examines Paul's teaching to the churches in Rome who, like us, were struggling to find unity in Christ amidst their own differences of background, priorities, and convictions - Reflective: With questions to enhance discussion or reflection, this book helps readers diagnose their own struggles with others at church. Perfect for personal meditation or small-group study  - Widely Applicable: Addresses a great variety of conflicts within a church, not merely how to navigate specific issues  - Practical: Teaches readers how to love those who drive them crazy, not just why

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“One of my favorite pastimes is reading the sermons of preachers who have long since gone to their reward. And one of my least favorite realizations along the way has been that few of the churches these preachers once led so well survived much longer. In fact, some of the churches I have attended in my own lifetime—some of the churches where I was once taught so well—have already decayed and been disbanded. In so many cases, it was not false doctrine or false teachers that undermined the church but a simple failure to love—to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. It’s for this reason I’m so grateful for this book and for Jamie Dunlop’s clarion call for you—yes, you!—to pursue unity in your local church. May God use it to convict his people and protect his church.”

Tim Challies, author, Seasons of Sorrow

“Needed! Yes, that’s what I thought through reading each chapter of Jamie Dunlop’s Love the Ones Who Drive You Crazy. I needed this book during four decades of pastoring. I need it now as a church member. Dunlop takes difficult situations we face in the local church and helps us see the power of Christ alone to truly love one another in Christ’s body. I highly recommend this book!”

Phil A. Newton, Director of Pastoral Care and Mentoring, Pillar Network; author, 40 Questions about Pastoral Ministry and Shepherding the Pastor

“You don’t have to be a member of a local church for many Sundays before you discover that the people in the pews around you can be challenging. Their social media posts make you cringe, their parenting choices make you concerned, and their personalities sometimes just rub you the wrong way. (Of course, you almost certainly do the same to them!) Jamie Dunlop’s book is a lifeline for those days when you question whether you’re in the right place on Sunday morning. As I read, I was both encouraged and convicted that loving the people in my local church just might be the most radical testimony of Christ that I could make in this world. Whether you are a church member or a church leader, Dunlop’s robust theology, practical application, and warm tone will help you push beyond personal comfort toward displaying the glorious name of Jesus. I highly commend it.”

Megan Hill, pastor’s wife; author, A Place to Belong; Managing Editor, The Gospel Coalition

“The world is infatuated with the idea of love but hates its biblical implications. We love for selfish reasons, and want to love when it’s convenient. Loving unlovable people is countercultural and, in the world’s eyes, scandalous. That’s what makes the church unique, because people who have no business getting along selflessly seek each other’s good. In Love the Ones Who Drive You Crazy, Jamie Dunlop calls us to obey the commands of Scripture and follow our Lord’s example to selflessly and sacrificially love one another and pursue unity in diversity.”

Chopo Mwanza, Pastor, Faith Baptist Church Riverside, Kitwe, Zambia

“Love the Ones Who Drive You Crazy is a must-read for every Christian. Our world is full of conflict with people dividing over everything—race, healthcare, the environment, even the food we eat. But Christians are different. Our unity is in Christ alone. This unity isn’t easy but displays Christ to the world and can prevail over anything that threatens to divide us. Read this book to stoke your affections for your church and grow in loving others from the heart.”

Keri Folmar, pastor’s wife in Dubai; author

“True Christians need to be more concerned for the unity of the church. In a time when Christians are often too quick to leave churches because they disagree with or dislike other members, this book is a helpful and much-needed challenge. Read this book and be helped in your ability to love those difficult people today, with whom you will one day be united in Christ for all eternity, thus bearing a beautiful testimony to the power of the gospel.”

Matthias Lohmann, Pastor, FEG Munich, Germany; Chairman, Evangelium21

“Rather than detract from the church’s mission, disagreements in the church are an opportunity to display the gospel’s glorious power to unite us in Christ. Jamie Dunlop encourages us to behold the beauty of a Christ alone church built on mercy, hope, forgiveness, love, and faith. This helpful book challenged me to apply the truths of the gospel to my relationships in the church. Read it to be similarly convicted and encouraged. Better still, buy extra copies for your fellow church members for when you drive them crazy!”

Eugene Low, Lead Teaching Pastor, Grace Baptist Church, Singapore

“Love the Ones Who Drive You Crazy isn’t written by an abstract theorist tucked away in an ivory tower. Rather, it’s written by a pastor in one of the most politically, ethnically, and culturally diverse cities in the world, which means it’s written by a pastor who regularly sees redeemed sinners come into conflict. And yet, as Dunlop reminds us from Scripture, God can redeem even these conflicts for his great glory. If that seems downright impossible to believe, welcome to the club. And yet in this club, Dunlop’s voice insistently reminds us that with God all things are possible. We should borrow his hope. We should read this book. After all, if everyone were like you at church, church might be easy, but it wouldn’t be glorious. Here is a work that exhorts us toward the glorious while shepherding us through the pains of the inglorious. Let us gratefully receive and read it!”

Isaac Adams, Pastor, Iron City Church, Birmingham, Alabama; Founder, United? We Pray

Love the Ones Who Drive You Crazy

Other 9Marks Titles

Overview Books

Nine Marks of a Healthy Church, by Mark Dever

How to Build a Healthy Church, by Mark Dever and Paul Alexander

The Compelling Community, by Mark Dever and Jamie Dunlop

The Rule of Love, by Jonathan Leeman

No Shortcut to Success, by Matt Rhodes

The Building Healthy Churches Series

Expositional Preaching, by David Helm

Conversion, by Michael Lawrence

Evangelism, by J. Mack Stiles

Church Membership, by Jonathan Leeman

Discipling, by Mark Dever

Deacons, by Matt Smethurst

Corporate Worship, by Matt Merker

Additional titles available

The Church Questions Series

How Can I Find Someone to Disciple Me?

How Can Women Thrive in the Local Church?

How Can Our Church Find a Faithful Pastor?

How Can I Love Church Members with Different Politics?

Additional titles available

Titles for New Christians

What Is the Gospel?, by Greg Gilbert

Who Is Jesus?, by Greg Gilbert

Why Trust the Bible?, by Greg Gilbert

Am I Really a Christian?, by Mike McKinley

Healthy Church Study Guides are available on all nine marks.

To explore all 9Marks titles, visit 9Marks.org/bookstore.

Love the Ones Who Drive You Crazy

Eight Truths for Pursuing Unity in Your Church

Jamie Dunlop

Love the Ones Who Drive You Crazy: Eight Truths for Pursuing Unity in Your Church

Copyright © 2023 by Jamie Dunlop

Published by Crossway1300 Crescent StreetWheaton, Illinois 60187

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publisher, except as provided for by USA copyright law. Crossway® is a registered trademark in the United States of America.

Cover design: Faceout Studio, Tim Green

First printing 2023

Printed in the United States of America

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. The ESV text may not be quoted in any publication made available to the public by a Creative Commons license. The ESV may not be translated into any other language.

Scripture quotations marked CSB have been taken from the Christian Standard Bible®, copyright © 2017 by Holman Bible Publishers. Used by permission. Christian Standard Bible® and CSB® are federally registered trademarks of Holman Bible Publishers.

Scripture quotations marked NASB are taken from the New American Standard Bible®, copyright © 1960, 1971, 1977, 1995, 2020 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. All rights reserved. www.lockman.org.

Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com. The “NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™

All emphases in Scripture quotations have been added by the author.

Trade paperback ISBN: 978-1-4335-8992-8 ePub ISBN: 978-1-4335-8995-9 PDF ISBN: 978-1-4335-8993-5

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Dunlop, Jamie, author.

Title: Love the ones who drive you crazy : eight truths for pursuing unity in your church / Jamie Dunlop.

Description: Wheaton, Illinois : Crossway, 2023. | Series: 9marks |

Includes bibliographical references and index.

Identifiers: LCCN 2023002733 (print) | ISBN 9781433589928 (trade paperback) | ISBN 9781433589935 (pdf) | ISBN 9781433589959 (epub)

Subjects: LCSH: Love—Religious aspects—Christianity. | Friendship—Religious aspects—Christianity. | Conflict management—Religious aspects—Christianity. 

Classification: LCC BV4639 .D856 2023 (print) | LCC BV4639 (ebook) | DDC 231/.6—dc23/eng/20230524

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2023002733

LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2023002734

Crossway is a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.

2023-10-24 09:46:34 AM

Contents

Series Preface

Acknowledgments

Introduction: So This Is What “Christ Alone” Means?

Conflict in Your Church as Evidence of Faith

1  Why Did God Put Difficult People in My Church?

Truth 1: Insistence on Unity Displays the Glory of God

2  How Can I Love “Those” People?

Truth 2: Impossible Love Flows from Impossible Mercy

3  What If I Don’t Want to Love “Them”?

Truth 3: Disunity at Church Lies about Jesus

4  Wouldn’t We Be Better Off without “Them”?

Truth 4: You Belong Together

5  How Can I Be Friends with “Those” People?

Truth 5: Hope in God Creates Affection for Others

6  How Can I Really Forgive “Those” People?

Truth 6: Divine Justice Empowers Full Forgiveness

7  How Can I Stop Judging and Despising “Those” People?

Truth 7: People You Dislike Often Act in Faith

8  How Can I Love “Those” People When They’re Wrong?

Truth 8: We Will Answer to God

Conclusion: Hope in Christ Alone

Joy, Peace, and Power in Your Love

Afterword: Under the Surface of a “Christ Alone” Church

A Few Words about Church Structure

General Index

Scripture Index

Series Preface

The 9Marks series of books is premised on two basic ideas. First, the local church is far more important to the Christian life than many Christians today perhaps realize.

Second, local churches grow in life and vitality as they organize their lives around God’s Word. God speaks. Churches should listen and follow. It’s that simple. When a church listens and follows, it begins to look like the One it is following. It reflects his love and holiness. It displays his glory. A church will look like him as it listens to him.

So our basic message to churches is, don’t look to the best business practices or the latest styles; look to God. Start by listening to God’s Word again.

Out of this overall project comes the 9Marks series of books. Some target pastors. Some target church members. Hopefully all will combine careful biblical examination, theological reflection, cultural consideration, corporate application, and even a bit of individual exhortation. The best Christian books are always both theological and practical.

It is our prayer that God will use this volume and the others to help prepare his bride, the church, with radiance and splendor for the day of his coming.

Acknowledgments

With thanks to Isaac Adams for his encouragement to put these ideas into writing; to John Lee, Joan Dunlop, Caleb Morell, Andy Winn, Bobby Jamieson, Ben Lacey, Serennah Harding, Tiago Oliveira, and Joey Craft for their thoughtful feedback on the manuscript; to Jonathan Leeman and Alex Duke at 9Marks and Tara Davis at Crossway for helping this book to take shape; to those who have graciously allowed me to tell their stories; to the congregation at the Capitol Hill Baptist Church for providing me with time to write and for loving me with the love of Christ.

Introduction

So This Is What “Christ Alone” Means?

Conflict in Your Church as Evidence of Faith

If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them.

Luke 6:32

The Difficulty of a “Christ Alone” Church

Who isn’t discouraged by conflict at church? After all, the local church should be as close as we get to heaven on earth, right? Yet there are so many opportunities for disagreement at church. Conflict comes from differences of opinion, like whether church leaders were right to reduce support for the crisis pregnancy center you love. It comes from differences of conviction, like that church member whose social media feed promotes positions you find morally troubling. Sometimes it’s differences of culture or class that make you feel like an outsider in your own church. And sometimes it’s no deeper than people who rub you the wrong way.

In fact, I’m convinced that churches are especially ripe for conflict, precisely because they should be centered on Christ alone. Think about that for a moment: a church should be defined by Christ alone. Not by Christ and shared convictions about children’s schooling options, or by Christ and an antipoverty strategy, or by Christ and shared revulsion at so-and-so’s social media post, or by Christ and a particular musical vibe. . . . You get the picture. It’s easy to say the church should be centered on Christ alone. Well, dear reader, living with all these differences and disagreements is what it looks like. And too often we’re entirely unprepared for this “Christ alone” kind of a church.

The Glory of a “Christ Alone” Church

Yet the differences and disagreements that threaten to tear your church apart are filled with potential to proclaim the glory of our good and gracious God. That’s the burden of this book. After all, the churches of the New Testament were filled with differences and disagreements, just like yours and mine. They emerged from their own culture wars (Jew and Gentile). They came from opposite ends of society (slave and free, rich and poor). They arrived at opposing moral convictions (drinking wine, eating meat). In the New Testament, these disagreements weren’t all resolved, and these differences weren’t all repudiated. Yet through them and in part because of them, God answered Jesus’s prayer for unity in John 17 in a powerful way: “That they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me” (John 17:23). For these first Christians, love amidst differences and disagreements revealed the power of being united in Christ alone. And the same is true for you and your church.

This book was written to help you love the people in your church whom you struggle to love because of your differences with them. Sometimes differences at church will be about big issues where the gospel’s at stake—like whether a Christian can legitimately pursue a gay lifestyle or whether Christ is the only way to God. In those cases, you should fight for biblical truth even at the cost of unity. Other times, differences won’t immediately threaten the gospel, but they’ll be significant enough that you and these other Christians need to part ways and go to different churches, trusting God’s purposes for that separation just like Paul and Barnabas did at the end of Acts 15. Historic differences over baptism come to mind. Sometimes differences with other members or church leaders will have so damaged your trust in them that you need to leave your church.

This book isn’t about any of these church-separating situations, though they are difficult. Instead, this book is for the many situations when you decide that you can stay in your church despite all the differences. This book is about building beautiful, Christ-exalting unity when you choose to stay and when you choose to love even the ones who drive you crazy. Keep in mind, of course, that the people in your church who drive you crazy might have similar questions about how to love you!

I’m writing in the years following a time of great turmoil in countless churches—including mine—over issues like race and politics and pandemic precautions. I hear from many Christians that they’re looking forward to getting back to times when church can be less complicated. But I’m writing this book because, for a variety of factors (which I’ll get to), I doubt we’re going back to those days when church felt like a lazy stroll on a summer evening (at least, comparatively speaking). And if we care about the glory of Jesus, that could be a very good thing.

Waves of Conflict

To provide an example of what I mean, let me tell you about the past couple of years at my church in Washington, DC, located a few blocks from the United States Capitol. Tension seemed to come in waves, with each new wave crashing down before the previous one had yet receded. Perhaps you can relate.

Wave 1: In response to a pandemic-related government order, my church stopped meeting in the spring of 2020. Then we began meeting again, outdoors, in a neighboring jurisdiction, since large religious gatherings were outlawed in our city. Neither of these decisions escaped controversy within my church.

Wave 2: In June, our city erupted in protest after the killings of several unarmed Black men and women by police. And my church erupted too. Some members marched in protests. Others were appalled at some of what those protests stood for. On both sides, many felt our church leaders spoke too timidly.

Wave 3: In September, my church voted to bring a lawsuit against our city because of its prohibition against our church meeting outdoors (wave 1 again). Some church members couldn’t believe we would work through the courts rather than simply disobey the law. Others felt a lawsuit was way out of line. Meanwhile, wave 2 continued.

Wave 4: In November, our nation held a presidential election between Donald Trump and Joe Biden. Given our location, we’re accustomed to this once-every-four-years test of our unity in Christ. People still talk about the day when the Senate majority leader threatened on the morning talk shows to strip a recalcitrant senator of his committee posts—yet both men showed up at our church together—with the sound system run that morning by the assistant to the vice president (from the opposing political party). We have a long history of putting aside political differences under Christ. But this one was different. Convictions were heightened along multiple dimensions. And tension didn’t ease with Election Day as many (including some in my church) disputed the official result while others (including some in my church) were aghast at what they saw as societal sabotage. Even praying publicly for the president-elect became a political statement.

The waves continued. In April of 2021, as a result of our lawsuit, we negotiated a return to our church building. Many in the congregation were dismayed that this hadn’t happened months earlier, and their pain was on full display. Others were appalled at how callous some in their own church seemed to a pandemic that by then had killed so many, including some they loved.

As one of their pastors, I watched over this restive flock through these seasons of pain. Yet as I had conversation after conversation with unhappy members of my church, I began to see these conflicts less as evidence of failure and more as evidence of faith.

Failure or Faith?

How could all this disagreement be anything other than failure? Isn’t church supposed to provide safe harbor from storms of controversy in the world outside? To be sure, my church failed—in many ways—in how we disagreed. Yet at the same time I can describe this turmoil as evidence of faith because nearly all these people continued loving one another despite these differences. What’s more, many friendships between would-be enemies became that much richer.

Very often, the existence of disagreement in a church is not a sign that things have gone tragically wrong, but that things have gone gloriously right. I realize this may sound naïve, but give me a few paragraphs to explain myself. As I noted earlier, a church should be centered on Christ alone. Not on Christ and shared opinions about navigating a pandemic and the best way to confront racism and common political convictions. Some disagreements that rock our world have no place in the church, because Scripture comes down clearly on one side. Yet for the many differences on which Christians can legitimately disagree, controversy in society will often bleed into the church— if, that is, we’re united around Christ alone. If everyone agreed on all these matters, church would be a lot easier. But easy love rarely shows off gospel power.

This matters because Scripture teaches that unity in Christ despite our differences is a primary way God intends to show off his goodness and glory. Take Romans 15 as an example. After a lengthy section on how Jew and Gentile can live together in the local church despite all their differences, Paul gives this word of blessing:

May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God. (Rom. 15:5–7)

Twice in this short passage, we see God getting glory through the harmony that comes as Christians live in accord with Christ. Not that this is easy; note that Paul prays to “the God of endurance and encouragement.” Yet if this difficulty had led the first Roman churches to abandon unity, or to insist on uniformity rather than Jew-Gentile diversity, Paul’s prayer would have fallen flat. The differences that threaten to tear your church apart are opportunities to demonstrate that being “in accord with Christ Jesus” is all we need to be in “harmony with one another.” That’s how “with one voice” we “glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.” If your church is about Jesusand immigration reform, you rob him of glory. If your church is about Jesusand homeschooling, you rob him of glory. Just as God gets greater glory through redemption than through creation alone, the glory he receives in your church’s unity is greater in disagreement and difference than if everyone were in the same place to begin with.

Yet This Is Hard

But living this out is not for the faint of heart. If your church is built on Christ alone, then:

People in your church won’t “get it” on issues that are important to you. “She thinks that if I took the Bible seriously, I’d never own a gun. Can you believe that?”Church leaders won’t “get it” on issues that are important to you. Your pastors should be careful how they speak on important issues about which Christians in your church can legitimately disagree—no matter their own opinions. That can make you feel like your church is failing to speak prophetically. “This is the greatest moment of racial reckoning in a generation, and my pastor’s just talking about the same old stuff!”People in your church won’t understand you. You’ll find yourself at church with people who lack the similarity in background, opinion, and culture that would allow them to understand you without having to ask. “If one more person asks what it’s like having hair like mine, I swear I’m out of here.”Your church won’t be insulated from society’s controversies. “I thought that of all places, church would have been the one place where no one would bring up the election.”

Too many of us have never really grappled with the implications of a church centered on Christ alone. We applaud diversity in our churches and pray for more diversity, never contemplating the cost and challenge that comes when God answers our prayer.1

Consumerism at Church Makes This Harder

What’s more, the way many of us have been taught to think about church complicates matters further. Consider for a moment the questions people ask when they’re looking for a new church. “Do I like their style of music?” “Would I fit into their small groups?” “Will my kids enjoy their children’s ministry?” “Do they have a service team for me?” We shop for a church like we shop for a car. “Does it fit my needs? Is it going to give me any trouble? Will it make me look good?” Put simply, we approach church as consumers.

But here’s the catch: if you view church as a consumer, what will you do with the very unconsumer-like traits of churches that are full of people who think differently than you, who don’t understand you, and who make you uncomfortable? If you pick a church like you pick a car, what happens when the real cost of Christ-alone diversity becomes apparent? Sometimes, churches are a step ahead of us, designing small groups, church services, or even entire congregations to fit one specific type of person so that these questions rarely confront their members. But that’s uniformity, not unity.

Add to that a very modern tendency to want to solve problems rather than live with them (assuming we view these uncomfortable disagreements as “problems”) and a general bent toward comfort, and we have a recipe for some serious dissatisfaction with church. At least, that is, with a church centered on Christ alone.

And It’s Getting Harder

That’s not all. In today’s world, several trends are making these challenges progressively more difficult.

Take social media, for example. Despite its potential for good, social media is a real challenge to unity in a diverse church because it advertises our opinions. Think about church in the early 2000s. If you had a particularly edgy opinion about race relations or alternative medicine or gentrification, it came up at church when you wanted it to come up. Today, what would once have surfaced only in private conversation is often posted for public consumption. Which pastor hasn’t fielded calls from church members who are outraged that a church member could post this or “like” that? What’s more, the economics of social media tend toward the edgy, controversial, and sharply-stated. And social media doesn’t simply advertise our opinions; it often shapes them. It can even result in different church members coming to different convictions because they’re looking at different sets of facts.

Another factor: in the United States, evangelical churches over the past several decades have been increasing in their ethnic and racial diversity.2 For example, over the past twenty years, the portion of American evangelicals in multiracial churches has doubled3 while the portion in completely White or completely Black churches fell by more than half.4 As of 2019, the average congregation is more than twice as diverse along ethnic and racial lines as it was twenty years earlier.5 This data comes with a host of caveats, especially for those who would take increasing diversity as assurance that ethnic and racial tension is behind us.6 Yet one reality is clear: American evangelicals (particularly if they are White) are far more likely to rub shoulders at church with those of a different ethnicity or