#Love: E-Book

Trish Murphy

• Herausgeber: Mercier Press
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2016

Beschreibung

How do we find enduring love?  Can we separate our own sense of well-being and success from that of a relationship?  Can we learn from our mistakes and past blunders?  What are the traps and pitfalls in today's relationships?  How does technology affect the modern couple?   This practical book deals with all these subjects, and more. Written by an experienced couples therapist with years of experience dealing with various relationship issues, #Love: 21st Century Relationships is the perfect guide to the modern relationship. Taking into account the unique circumstances of the modern dating scene, it deals with finding, keeping and creating lasting love in the era of social media. With practical guides to help during times of trouble, such as how to have a good fight, this book guides the reader through the pitfalls to attain a stronger, healthier and more loving relationship.

Leseprobe

MERCIER PRESS

Cork

www.mercierpress.ie

www.mercierpress.ie

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© Trish Murphy, 2016

ISBN: 978 1 78117 372 5

Epub ISBN: 978 1 78117 129 5

Mobi ISBN: 978 1 78117 130 1

This eBook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly. This bookplate shows the badge of the Royal Irish Rifles above the family arms of Captain Bowen-Colthurst – an amalgamation of the Bowen and Colthurst coats of arms. The Latin motto translates as ‘Just and Resolute’ and comes from Horace, Carmina (III, 3.1): ‘The just man who is resolute will not be turned from his purpose, either by the misdirected rage of his fellow citizens, or by the threats of an imperious tyrant.’ Colthurst loosely translated this as ‘The Triumph of Right’.

For Dan, whose light shines on

Acknowledgements

Thank you to Mercier Press for asking me to write this book. It set in motion many coffee sessions with wonderful people, during which I asked them what they had encountered in relationships and what they felt were the important points. Interviewees were very open and their trust in me was humbling – I hope I have done them a good service in representing their views and experiences. I thank them hugely for everything.

To my readers Clare, Nathaniel and Billy: I thank you not only for your patience and honesty, but also for your many consoling texts and emails when I felt I was getting nowhere.

My peer group Betty and John were unstintingly supportive in convincing me that I had something worth saying; may we continue to meet for the next twenty years. To all the individuals and couples who have worked with me over the years: your contribution and wisdom are reflected in every page, and my gratitude is eternal.

My family quietly took over tasks and duties so that I could have the space to think and write. To them I owe a debt that will be a joy to repay. To Brendan I can finally say that I am settling into using the word ‘husband’ and am beginning to understand its meaning after all these years. May there be lots more revelations to come!

Preface

In my professional life, I encounter much suffering that has relationship difficulties at its core. Most people have taken some measures to tackle these issues, and yet numerous couples suffer for many a long year before seeking help. The patterns they wish to address are often ingrained and can be difficult to shift. Changing can be hard, and old patterns don’t fall away without notable resistance first. I feel lucky that my chosen field has offered me ongoing training and research into the world of relationships, and I know that my life has benefited enormously as a result. I’ve often wondered if people could be saved the hardship of years of struggle if they had some feasible answers to meet the challenge of relationships. I’ve also considered how a practical source of information regarding this challenge could go a long way towards preventing the many issues I deal with every day.

A period of twenty years as a couples psychotherapist has given me access to the range of difficulties that beset relationships, but it has also shown me the astounding resources people have for finding a way through what can appear to be insurmountably problematic situations. My experience is that we, as human beings, are often willing to stretch ourselves beyond what we think is possible in order to keep the love of another. While this does not always work out, knowing that love has this enormous influence is inspiring and might give us the courage to take the risk again with another person.

I had the privilege of interviewing many people who generously participated in the research for this book. I discovered during this process that there is a wealth of information and experience available within each of us and in the people around us, if we have the courage to ask the right questions. During these sessions, many of the interviewees found that what they were saying was enlightening – even to themselves. I learned from this experience that we need to talk more about relationships, in all their aspects, as this discussion can benefit everyone. I hope that you might use this book in this way – that it might spark a conversation between you and your partner or friend, or ignite a discussion that might open new avenues for understanding relationships.

The aim of the book is to provide accessible measures of insight and information for users who wish to overcome challenges in their relationship. I hope that much of the text sounds familiar to readers, and that any insight it contains can be solidified into something practical and applicable.

All the exercises in the book are the result of years of learning and practice in my own life. I can testify to their worth but also to the struggle to keep them as a live and continuous part of my everyday existence. To be alive is to be in a continuous learning situation, and the fun of relationships is you can share that with someone special.

Introduction

I’m gonna love you till the wheels come off.

From ‘Picture in a Frame’ by Tom Waits1

How do we find enduring love? How do we measure success or failure in relationships? What criteria do we use, and can we separate our own sense of well-being and success from that of a relationship? Does a single relationship failure, or a series of them, mean that we should give up, or can we learn from our mistakes and past blunders? What are the traps and issues in modern relationships? How does technology affect us? This book deals with all these subjects. Interviews, anecdotes, media reports, surveys, research and my years of professional experience as a couples therapist all go into the mix of attempting to frame the topic of relationships. As far as possible, the book takes a practical approach, and all the suggestions appear in a clear list in the ‘Practical advice and exercises’ section at the end of the book.

Relationships are an important topic for all of us as we live our lives out in a variety of complex and varied family, friendship, romantic and social arrangements. This book focuses on romantic relationships, but our capacity for these is shaped by all our other relationships, and so we can apply most of the suggestions to the wider field of our lives. That is to say that if you are not currently in a relationship you can apply most of the practices – with modifications – to all other relationships. Having enduring relationships across the board is a good indicator of your capacity to find enduring love in a romantic setting; the time to put this into practice is now, and not at some future mythical time when the right person or situation arrives.

The first section of the book centres on our own self-development. A familiar comment is ‘I want to fix myself before I consider getting into a relationship.’ While this has some validity, the chances are that what you need to ‘fix’ in yourself will be very obvious in any relationship, and – if you are open to it – you can receive a lot of support to address these difficulties through the relationship. For example, it is often through a lover’s hands that we discover the contours of our own bodies and the beauty therein. Left to our own devices, we might think our bodies will never be good enough for such intimate scrutiny.

The idea of independence is very strong in our society, as we fear coming across as ‘needy’. This can lead to an overly cautious approach to both friendships and intimate relationships. Yet it is through taking the risk of dependence that we receive the reward of being completely accepted for ourselves. Of course, it does not always work out. We can be hurt, but learning how to pick ourselves up, and knowing that we can survive, are important life skills that will enhance our next foray into closeness.

This section also looks at whether we can be happy without intimate relationships. We can gain from all our relationship experiences – whether they be work, friendship or intimate associations. Applying this learning should offer us more personal freedom and happiness.

Technology now occupies a huge part of our lives and our relationships. This is reflected in two chapters: Chapter 3 on online dating and Chapter 7 on pornography. As we negotiate relationships in our world, we are likely to encounter technology in many forms. It can have a hugely positive influence in terms of enhancing communication – through, for example, Skype, mobile technology and texting – thus allowing relationships to flourish despite distance or lack of time. However, engaging with the online world in terms of dating can be daunting or discouraging; to assist in this endeavour the book outlines potential research and pitfalls. Porn in relationships is a topic that the media are beginning to cover, but we probably don’t yet easily discuss it in our private worlds. However, it can have a big influence on intimacy and deserves further conversation in our private, social and public spheres.

The practical exercises near the back of the book are simple to follow and yet often prove difficult to apply. It is one thing to have knowledge and another to keep it constantly in practice. For example, the first exercise – ‘How to argue better’ – could save a couple lots of grief and misunderstanding if it is implemented early in the relationship. It helps enormously to discuss, reflect and review your progress with someone who is close to you. In fact, by allowing this support you will already be practising one of the key skills in relationships: to acknowledge vulnerability.

As a popular Ed Sheeran song goes, ‘people fall in love in mysterious ways’, but that is only part of the story. Staying in love, and creating love, is a continuous, practical activity that can grow, change and develop. There is so much we can do to keep love vibrant. Most of that is within our own control; this should give us a sense of hope when things get difficult. Instead of putting off tackling things with the idea that they will get better with time, we can take the risk of engaging early and saving ourselves a lot of suffering.

But we do not have to reinvent the wheel! We can use the knowledge and research available, and thus avoid having to learn everything from scratch. For example, the research discussed in Chapter 5 on what leads to separation could make people pause to consider how they fight, and offer them an alternative path for grievances.

This book is written from the experience of dealing with problems in relationships, and the aim is that readers can dip into it for a specific purpose, for example, to look up self-confidence or how to get started in a new relationship. The book offers a trek through all the experience and knowledge I’ve gained from clinical experience, and also from all the contributions and wisdom of others who have had experience of all aspects of relationships, both successful and difficult. The bibliography at the end of the book suggests further reading that is accessible and practical.

1 Self-development

If I love myself

I love you.

If I love you

I love myself.

From ‘Do You Love Me?’ by Rumi1

Self-awareness and habit

The qualities we need to create and to develop the possibility of enduring love are many, but the starting point is self-awareness. This means that we need to be aware of where we are coming from in a physical, mental and emotional sense, so that we are not just reacting from habit. Just think of how strong some of our habits are, and it becomes clear how ingrained they can be. For example, try getting out of bed earlier in the morning, or giving up eating chocolate or crisps for a week, and you will encounter resistance and struggle. We develop relationship habits in our families, and we all think this is completely normal until someone else bumps up against them – it is only then that we see the habits for what they are. For example, Jake amusedly told his new wife that her family were obsessed with cleaning up after eating so they could relax, whereas his family relaxed while eating. This was funny early in the relationship, but it created a clash later on when the couple had very different ideas about relaxation.

Whatever our parents did or how they behaved was normal for us growing up. We are often very aware of how different we want our romantic relationships to be from what our parents offered – only to find that later we either repeat that very thing or else our childhood response presents a huge difficulty in adult relationships. For example, if your parent never gave you credit or praised you, you may be extremely sensitive to your partner’s lack of attention, so you may overreact or attack, even though this response comes from the hurt child you were many years ago. Self-awareness is the starting point for knowing what is really happening. We can develop self-awareness through self-reflection, discussion, enquiry, meditation and reading, among other things. (To help with this, see Exercise 2: Self-awareness: knowing the state you are in and grounding yourself in the ‘Practical Advice and Exercises’ section.)

Most habits are outside our self-awareness, in that we do not notice we are doing this particular habitual thing. Often the stronger the habit, the more buried it is, so it is even more difficult to tackle. Some habits are benign, but many are causing us blocks or serious difficulty. An example is the habit of thinking ‘I am not good enough’ or ‘I have nothing worth saying’. If we are not aware of these habitual thoughts, we might act as if they were true and never discover our true worth. It is only when we can see the habit in operation that we have the chance to challenge it. Of course, the nature of habit is that it is the familiar, easy route, so changing habits will be hard and the process will be fraught with setbacks.

How can I change?

There is no doubt that change and development are desirable. If we want to develop characteristics or qualities that will improve our lives, then it will take consistent practice and reinforcement. The general wisdom is that it takes more than ninety days of consciously putting something into practice before it becomes a habit, so any change will take motivation and effort, and some level of self-discipline. Most of us benefit from having another person supporting us in making any desired change. If possible, tell someone about what changes you want to make. Simply keeping this person informed will make that change more possible.

Because habits are so often hidden from our awareness, it is a great idea to ask people close to us what they think we need to tackle. Because we asked, we are less likely to react defensively and might be curious about how they think we could overcome this particular block. For example, Liz (47) asked her son what habits were bringing her down, and he wrote a long list. On the top were two things that Liz found surprising. He wrote that she became very stressed about anything to do with money or her mother-in-law. She began to consider these and discovered that they were true, so she began to lighten up. Over the years she improved her relationship with both.

We are often very clear about what other people need to address in terms of their lack of awareness. However, it is a good idea to wait until they ask for advice, as our suggestions can otherwise be perceived as criticism.

There is evidence that practising self-awareness in a group setting has more beneficial effects than individual self-awareness, particularly in the early days of practice. Joining a course in mindfulness or a reading group would kick-start the process. The group gives us support when we lose interest, and listening to how others are challenging habits can reveal our own hidden patterns and offer us ideas of how to overcome them. So the group supports the practice and deepens the awareness as we listen to others’ experiences and get reinforcement from others’ understanding and development.

Risk: the first step towards a relationship