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- Herausgeber: Mogamad Salie
- Kategorie: Geisteswissenschaft
- Sprache: Englisch
'Are humans aliens?' He ponders. Their puzzling actions defy his logic. Enter the world of a neurodivergent father, engineer, and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu practitioner living with AUTISM and ADHD. He notes his experiences with honesty and humour. Through fatherhood's challenges, engineering's precision, and grappling's chaos. He explores the intersections of technology, humanity, and neurodiversity in a collection of essays, vignettes, poems, and conversations. A world where logic collides, differences are confronted, and the human puzzle is constantly rearranged.
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Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2025
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Navigating My
Autism & ADHD
Essays, Vignettes,
Poems & Conversations
Mogamad Salie
© Mogamad Salie 2025
Navigating My Autism & ADHD
(Essays, Vignettes, Poems, & Conversations)
Published by Mogamad Salie
Cape Town, South Africa
ISBN 978-1-0370-8707-3
ISBN (ebook) 978-1-0370-8708-0
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without the written permission of the copyright owner.
Layout and cover design by Mogamad Salie
To all the outsiders.
In memory of my parents.
For my daughters, to know my mind.
Thanks to my wife for being with me.
Contents
Contents
1 About Me
2 My AuDHD
3 Before Autism Diagnosis
3.1 Essays
3.1.1 A Social
3.1.2 My Socialising Methods
3.1.3 Hope Energy Part 1
3.1.4 Keep Kids Playing Part 2
3.1.5 Keep Kids Playing Part 3
3.1.6 Forgiveness and Reconciliation
3.1.7 Organised Societies
3.1.8 Conducting the Masses
3.1.9 Forex Haven
3.1.10 Success
3.2 Vignettes
3.2.1 BJJ Home Training
3.2.2 My Children
3.2.3 Watching Pops
3.2.4 Alien vs. Baby
3.2.5 Dreams We Live
3.2.6 Pops, a Special Mind
3.2.7 Munnky
3.2.8 Push Ups and Shopping Bags
3.2.9 The Glory Years
3.2.10 Queeny Returns
3.2.11 The Dance
3.2.12 Lunch vs BJJ Takedowns
3.2.13 Barefoot Walk
3.2.14 Pops Has an Excursion
3.2.15 The Calm Before the Storm
3.2.16 This is Not My Future
3.2.17 Hip Pain
3.2.18 Arrivals
3.2.19 Moving to Social Anxiety
3.3 Poems
3.3.1 Steered
3.3.2 The Evil Ones
3.3.3 Bird
3.3.4 The Cave
3.3.5 Vacuum Day
3.4 Conversations
3.4.1 Shells
3.4.2 Unworthy
3.4.3 Clarified
4 After Autism Diagnosis
4.1 The Unbalanced City
4.1.1 Freedom
4.1.2 Equality
4.1.3 Its Effects on Me
4.1.4 My Theoretical Plan
4.1.5 The Issues
4.2 The Walk
4.3 Bore-Out
4.3.1 ADHD Diagnosis
4.3.2 BJJ/MMA
4.4 Ruminations
4.4.1 My Care Steps
4.4.2 Fear vs. Meltdowns
4.4.3 Thoughts
4.4.4 Breeding Protocol
4.4.5 Belongings
4.4.6 Language
4.4.7 Women Rights Day
4.4.8 White VS Coloured
4.5 Vignettes
4.5.1 Sofahs
4.5.2 Dating & Courting
4.5.3 White Bread
4.5.4 The Underdog
4.5.5 Battery
4.5.6 Cape Malays
4.5.7 Making Contact
4.5.8 Culture
4.5.9 Balance
4.5.10 The Reunion Ban
4.5.11 Sandwich
4.5.12 Hike in Fynbos
4.5.13 Covid funeral
4.5.14 Death
4.5.15 Farm
4.5.16 Waterfalls
4.5.17 My First Xmas
4.6 Poems
4.6.1 Clothes
4.6.2 Fruit
4.6.3 Tomorrow
4.6.4 Clattering & Clonking
4.6.5 Little Wishes
4.6.6 Free Advice
4.6.7 Outside
4.6.8 The Wrapper
4.6.9 Hair
4.6.10 Content
4.6.11 Day
4.6.12 Ex
4.6.13 Near Life
4.6.14 The Dilemma
4.6.15 Cycle
4.6.16 Grass
4.6.17 Bake
4.6.18 The Ten
4.6.19 Lagoon
4.6.20 Delight
4.6.21 Courses
4.6.22 Dogs
4.6.23 Drifts
4.7 Conversations
4.7.1 Car Service
4.7.2 Ami
4.7.3 Thank the Balance
4.7.4 Privilege
4.7.5 Sitting in Cars
4.7.6 Quit
4.7.7 Celia’s Fat kid
4.7.8 Guidance
4.7.9 Narcissist
4.7.10 Catcher
4.7.11 Nation
4.7.12 Forgive All
4.7.13 Care Instinct
4.7.14 Catcher QuakeUp
4.7.15 Destiny
4.7.16 Celebrating
4.7.17 Loaded Questions
4.7.18 Prenait
4.7.19 Lazy
4.7.20 Asker
4.7.21 Political Party
4.7.22 Training Activated
4.7.23 Bending
4.7.24 Pork
4.7.25 Coke and Niknaks
4.7.26 Finding a Woman
4.7.27 Anxiety
4.7.28 Clergy
4.7.29 Cancer
4.7.30 Imam
4.7.31 Gifts
4.7.32 New South Africa
4.7.33 After Life
4.7.34 Hajj
4.7.35 ASD
4.7.36 Exercise
4.7.37 Gather Till You Swim
5 Works Cited
This book captures my thoughts and experiences as an autistic engineer, compounded by having ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), often denoted as ‘AuDHD’ within the Neurodivergent community. It explores the journey I embarked on after becoming a Stay-At-Home Dad to three daughters. This was necessitated by a partial disability in 2012, when I was 42 years old.
In other words, after 18 years of education, 18 years working as an engineer and more than 26 years of experience in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu/Mixed Martial Arts (BJJ/MMA) as well as illness, resulted in a Stay-At-Home Dad, which felt like a devaluation of myself.
A year earlier, my family was infected with the Epstein-Barr virus (EBV), which led to flu-like symptoms. Unfortunately, my wife and two daughters experienced prolonged complications. My other daughter had prolonged cramps and digestion issues that led to her becoming gluten intolerant. She not only did not gain weight for three years, but it badly affected her love for experimenting with various sandwiches.
The symptoms persisted in my wife and one daughter, and this led to a diagnosis of ME/CFS (Myalgic Encephalomyelitis/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). This condition is characterized by profound fatigue, sleep disturbances, pain and other symptoms, exacerbated by physical exertion. The fatigue they experienced intensified with activity, and was not alleviated by rest. Unfortunately, there is currently no cure or approved treatment for this debilitating illness. The impact on our household was significant, transforming a once active family into one predominantly confined to the home.
During 2012 while, I was practicing as an Electrical Engineer and additionally had a black belt in BJJ, training regularly, I noticed electrical pulsing pain in my right arm and went to see a doctor.
‘I think something is wrong in my neck,’ I told the doctor.
‘Did you hurt your neck?’
‘No, I have just spent many years working while sitting down.’
After doing an MRI, she told me,
‘We have bad news for you. You have herniated discs in your cervical spine.’
This should probably heal in a few weeks. I imagined.
I was diagnosed with Cervical Degenerative Disc Disease and Cervical Radiculopathy, commonly known as pinched nerves. This condition involves damage to the nerve roots in the area where they exit the spine, partly due to the effects of spending too much time in a sedentary job.
I did not realise that degenerative also means, just as Murphy’s Law, that if something can go wrong, it will, especially when it matters most. In this case, my neck’s underlying issues would get worse. Whenever I sat, stood or moved slowly, gravity placed a downward force on my vertebrae, which started crumbling and becoming distorted. It would then exert a squashing force on my nerves, which caused excruciating, pain radiating from my neck, down my arms to my fingertips.
Within a few weeks of the diagnosis, the pain intensified, most probably due to the continuous leakage of fluid from the ruptured disc, leading to inflammation and swelling in the affected area. The pain reached such intensity that simple tasks like driving, sitting or standing became agonisingly unbearable. Even intimate moments with my wife were interrupted, as I struggled to find a position free from discomfort.
‘This must be very painful for you, to not want sex for so long,’ she said.
‘At least I can’t be accused of faking,’ I said.
I discovered that as I shifted my position at various angles, the pressure was redistributed, leading to a change in the alignment of the vertebrae. This adjustment allowed the discs to replenish themselves with cushioning liquid, ultimately creating more space for the nerves and alleviating my discomfort. Another method to alleviate the pain involved positioning my neck horizontally, necessitating hours of lying down. Consequently, I found myself unable to continue with my office job.
To slow the degeneration, I needed to remain active and strengthen my muscles, especially around my vertebrae. However, after losing my sedentary office job and suffering from pain for several months, I stumbled into a depression and stopped taking proper care of myself. After that, I spent many hours lying around, worrying about the wellbeing of my family and myself. Throughout this period, intrusive thoughts regarding unresolved matters incessantly disrupted my recuperative rest. This heightened the stress and anxiety I experienced especially with the Disability Insurance. From my perspective, it seemed that the organisation made every effort to evade providing insurance coverage, bearing in mind that I had diligently paid for it over the course of decades. Subsequently, incidents that normally would not perturb me caused me to react sharply towards those who failed to comprehend or offer the support I deemed necessary, which, regrettably also affected my wife and children.
Twelve years later my wife told me,
‘You displayed a level of inconsistency compared to the person I had known for over a decade. Engaging in outbursts of shouting and screaming at seemingly arbitrary triggers, left me perplexed. I started questioning myself (about your behaviour) in the following manner,
“Are you exhibiting unsavoury behaviour intentionally, or could there be an underlying medical condition at play?”
This prompted me to closely observe and delve into potential illnesses, such as Alzheimer’s, dementia and any other ailments that could explain such conduct. My quest for answers extended over several months, and during this period I stumbled upon a television program spotlighting children grappling with severe behavioural challenges. A team of experts, including specialists in autism, endeavoured to diagnose these children.
Among the featured cases in a British series, there were children who, despite their typically gentle and amiable nature, would occasionally succumb to fits of intense fury and even aggression. The root cause for some of their behaviour was identified as autistic meltdowns. To my surprise, this revelation struck a chord with the observations I had made regarding your own behaviour. Initially, I had dismissed the notion due to my preconceived notions about autism; however, as I continued to scrutinize these actions and educate myself further on autism spectrum disorders, the pieces began to align. This alignment was particularly reinforced by the anecdotes shared about your childhood by your parents, acquaintances and even yourself.’
My initial thought was that I was not Rain-Man, so there was no way that I could be autistic. Although some of the discoveries made sense to me and my children as well, it took a while before I was convinced. Society, especially my siblings and cousins, had continually reminded me that I refused to assimilate to societies’ norms and cultures, because I was a brat. Even after being diagnosed, I still felt like an impostor, making me doubt the actual truth, whereas, in my home, everyone accepted that I was Autistic. They became experts in identifying traits in me and even in others. My daughter also noticed that some of her friends were autistic as well and as a result, they were diagnosed.
In 2023 I started seeing clinical psychologists to help me understand my autism and the struggles I had been facing. Nearly two years later, one of the psychologist’s wrote the following in a referral letter to a doctor.
‘Due to the history and extremity of his previous Autistic symptoms, we were unable to explore his difficulties with attention and focus. This has been presenting more clearly this year, with a consistent deterioration in motivation and attention. Using a formal diagnostic tool, he scored high on levels of inattention and impulsivity/hyperactivity, namely Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder which has been masked by his ability to achieve at high standards and has been present since birth.’
During the therapy I started to understand that I was not Rain-Man, but an Alien: a human that looks and sounds similar in many ways to the others. One that, at times, can closely mimic popular human behaviour, but not well enough to be sought after. More often people would say or think,
‘He looks and sounds like us, but there is something odd about him; best we approach with care or avoid him.’
While my wife was investigating my condition before the diagnosis, I discovered I could quieten my over-active, anxious and looping mind by documenting various thoughts and activities. Over the years I have arranged them into essays, poems, passages and conversations. I hope the writings contained in this book will provide insight into the mind and struggles of a Neurodivergent individual, and spread awareness. Maybe reading about ‘Alien’, ‘Computer’, ‘Dexter’, ‘Android’, ‘Psycho’, ‘Terminator’, ‘Brat’ and so on, as some have called me, might make you pause before negatively and incorrectly labelling the next ‘Stranger’ you encounter, who does not behave according to your opinion of what moral or normal is.
I have observed that most people I have met need less information than I do, to make them feel comfortable enough to make decisions or to feel they know the subject. Hence when a topic interests me, I hyperfocus. When I prepare for an exam I need to intensively prepare, otherwise I feel incapable of managing the process. And yet, I have been known to be the one who does better than others. A simple task, like choosing a meal when eating out, appears to my companions and the waiter as if I am auditing the menu and their cooking standards. However, when, I already know the place, and order what I have enjoyed before, this is not an issue.
Especially in social settings where I miss social cues. For example, I am never sure when people say,
‘How are you?’
I am never certain if they really want to know or are using one of many confusing, social ritualistic bonding activities. These may have a preferred reaction, depending on the society you find yourself in. When asked, I use my senses, which are over sensitive to stimuli and at times overwhelm me, to help identify minute changes in my vicinity. I use this information to analyse situations, tasks, objects or humans to gain clarity, so I can decide what to do. In such a case, I may also ask if they really want to know how I am. Before I respond, I take into account the situation, the person, their physical body activity, movements, facial expressions, smells, sounds they might be making and the mood I am in. This may take a few seconds and by then the person might have moved on already.
On various occasions, I have been told that I don’t greet, unlike others, who may be using instinctive intuitive feelings to make decisions in social environments automatically and respond within the prescribed time that the person is still available.
This need for detail is also why I delve deeply into my topics of interest, until I have reached a level of clarity, where I feel confident that I know enough. Or I may remain speculating about the interests, which to me have not yet been clarified and still gives me the joy of analysing or participating in. Like BJJ, it expands in intricacy, the more I know about it.
I am hyperfocused for whatever I want to know; I also dislike being distracted and prefer not to work in a group. When it comes to doing stuff others wish me to do, then it immediately makes me feel out of control. Then, because of that, it is difficult to plan, organise and execute the task, which may also overwhelm me. This causes me panic and in these situations it feels as if my insides are about to explode. It may then become difficult to self-regulate. Various events or stimuli can trigger these chaotic episodes.
As a child, I noticed that connecting to my mom with as much skin contact as possible, created a positive sensory experience, drawing me into it and causing me to calm down. Over time, I experimented with various methods to regulate my internal chaos sensorily.
Something which complicates the situation is that I cannot identify or allocate the feelings that are happening when chaos strikes, properly. However, the following have proved to be effective: eating food I like, exercise, touching silky clothing, shouting or simply repeating certain words or physical movements.
Anything sensed by me is instantly graded as follows: either it needs immediate attention and is attended to, or it does not and hence, is discarded. Sometimes the discarded are marked as being events or incidents that might recur and these would have to be evaluated again. Things that are detected enter directly into a category ‘to be processed’, interrupting the present process. Thus, there is no holding ‘cell’ or a place where it could be placed temporarily. Therefore, it annoys me when I am interrupted while doing things I like. When I am hyper-focused while engaging in my interests, the input needs to be stronger than usual to be detected. People then think I don’t listen.
In the past in a classroom, if the subject did not interest me, all that the teacher said would be categorised or graded as not needing immediate attention, and therefore discarded. Then, because I was forced to remain there, I would become agitated and to relieve this agitation, I normally used of calming methods I had at hand, including movement. Hence, I inevitably landed in trouble for not sitting still in class. It’s similar during any conversations I have with people. I either talk too much about matters that interest or occupy me and drift while they are talking, or interrupt them for clarification. If I don’t ask for clarification, I revert back to scanning the vicinity for input to grade the conversation as needing attention, or try to figure out what was being said. In both cases, I lose the essence of the conversation.
Here it must be noted that this has a great advantage, when I am in situations where constant attention is required. During these occasions my mental scanning stops, and then hyperfocus switches on. Everything then slows down and is attended to, just as in sprinting. Once I have completed the ‘sprinting’, I feel accomplished and with a sense of joy, which enables me to enter a period of blankness, and this in turn calms me.
I crave those moments.
Written before knowing that my children and I are Neurodivergent.
These topics give insights into how I view the world.
Below is a typical example of a scenario of what may occur at social events with people:
When they know each other, after greeting they may exchange social updates of what occurred since their last mutual contact. Alternatively, to maintain social bonds they may discuss established common and preferred topics, or by doing small talk, such as:
‘Yesterday was good weather for walking.’
‘Yes, there were even people on the beach.’
‘I bought an ice cream that melted,’
‘Yes, that is tasty with a bucket.’
‘The new Arnold movie is out.’
‘I was planning to see it.’
‘My sister had another baby.’
‘Ohh, that’s cute.’
During these social gatherings, when a new individual enters an established group, in some cases people would introduce themselves, pushing a hand forward while saying,
‘Hi I am J. Good to meet you.’
‘Hi, welcome to the party. I am B.’
As the newbie I would mostly just get confused with the names and try to avoid the shaking of hands, as, for me, skin contact is almost painful with strangers. Then I would mutter something like,
‘Ahh oh me, Em.’
I would then attempt to think of more to say, but by the time I do, the group would have reverted to their preferred topic within their established clique. For the newbie to infiltrate the conversation, this gap would need to be closed. Alternatively a member of the clique may take a liking to the newbie and start a different topic, probably involving the newbie. In my case, at these events, members normally don’t take an interest, unless a woman likes me. As this occurred about three times in my life, it is a rare occurrence.
I tend to look self-confident, based on my stature and relaxed face, even now (at the time this chapter was written) at 43 years old. So folk tend to decide not to ‘scratch’ me. This leaves me anxious and I revert to my preferred method of closing the gap, being as follows:
1. Observe the topics and the people, which may come across as a blank stare from me. This may take a while. During this time I don’t realise that people notice me doing this.
2. If something stimulates me and I feel I am able to contribute, I try to add to the topic. However, I tend to get the timing for entering the conversation wrong, so it appears that I infiltrated the chat, after staring for a while.
3. After that, I start to add my contribution. However, from the group’s perspective, it appears to them as if I hijacked the conversation and began to interrogate people, while I was simply asking questions to get to know and hopefully remember them, as I struggle with faces and names. Sometimes, as a stroke of luck, some might ask about me.
4. Then I end up discussing ideas with those who are still part of the conversation. However, I struggle to exchange events or do small talk.
In a perfect scenario for me, the discussion turns into research with all participants enjoying it. However, what happens mostly is that inevitably I fight for a chance to explain my ideas and end up arguing or annoying some or all of them. This results in people leaving my communication sphere, many of whom I might not even have noticed are annoyed. Effectively, I would have created an empty space around me. After that I cycle back to point 1 and mostly I seldom get back to point 2 again, and end up leaving the social event feeling negative.
I noted that some of my preferred interacting methods in 2013, two years before anyone suspected I was Autistic and eleven years before my ADHD diagnosis, included:
Have you ever wondered why people interact with each other or what they hope to achieve by interacting with others? For me, this has always been a mystery, therefore I wrote my ideas down.
The prefix inter, means ‘between,’ ‘among,’ ‘mutually,’ ‘reciprocally,’ ‘together’. Therefore, if only one person senses something, it should be defined as a non-interaction.
For an interaction to occur, two or more people need to mutually and consciously sense that something occurred between them during a particular time period.
Here are some forms of human interactions:
I have read that when we have a sense of meaning, we feel as if we have a purpose and direction in life. This may give us the motivation to keep going, even in the face of challenges. As a teenager I thought that no matter what happens in life, one can decide to look at it in a negative or positive way. I think if you look at it in a positive way, it will probably help you obtain meaning in life. Then, I will define Hope Energy, as the energy needed continue this meaning, to want to be alive, do more, better ourselves, better the world and hopefully experience more happy moments.
I found that all interactions we have with people can affect this Hope Energy. An interaction with Humans potentially have three outcomes in Hope Energy:
It is probably more likely that most people prefer to be in interactions, which results in them feeling better and avoiding those interactions which make them feel worse. This is our survival instinct and can be illustrated in a social interaction. Imagine you meet a person and have a talk during which you mutually agree about what was spoken. This agreement creates a small bond between the parties, and we may subconsciously think that we have a better chance of surviving because we have bonded in purpose and in action.
Therefore, bonds are even stronger when they occur in extreme interacting events. That is, you may be more likely to seek out the interaction of the one who saved your life, than the one who greeted you on the way to the supermarket.
Interactions increase Hope Energy when they result in:
It is driven by survival as the measurement, because these elements could increase your chance of surviving. This makes you happy, thinking that you have done something that increases your chances to survive. To be alive and happy is what many strive for. In the end it is possible to make all interactions capable of increasing Hope Energy, by selecting how one looks at what happened.
That is, one can gain it:
This is an example of a Human interaction.
Em is the father of Munnky and Pops.
‘Pops doesn’t want to give my stone back,’ cries Munnky.
‘Pops, why don’t you give her stone back?’ asks Em.
‘She smiled when I got hurt and did not say sorry,’ replies Pops.
‘Why must I say sorry? I did not hurt her!’ smirks Munnky.
‘If she broke her arm, would you smile? Won’t you then say that you are sorry that she broke her arm?’ asks Em.
‘Yes, but she only tripped. It did not look as if she got hurt and it looked funny, so I smiled,’ explains Munnky.
‘To you it might look as if she did not get hurt, but if she says she got hurt and clearly she is upset, then why would you not want to sympathise with your sister, who you clearly love to play with?’ says Em.
‘Because she took my stone.’ says Munnky.
‘Pops, maybe you should have told her you got hurt when she smiled and that you would have liked her to show some sympathy when you tripped, instead of taking her stone. Munnky, I suggest that, now that you know she was hurt, you should apologise, and I am sure Pops will give the stone back. Then go and play a new game together, as it is nice and cool outside now.’ says Em.
‘Pops doesn’t want to give my stone back’ cries Munnky.
Does the stone belong to Pops?
Was Munnky lying?
If yes, why would she lie?
Or was she confused?
Or do both of them believe that the stone is theirs?
Is Munnky selfish and not wanting to share stones?
Did she give it to her and now wants it back?
Did they fight?
Is anyone physically hurt?
If one assumes that the statement is true and she did take the stone, then it could be, because Pops is physically stronger.
Perhaps the stone was out of reach of Munnky at the time?
If Munnky was stronger, she might have forcefully tried to get the stone back.
Perhaps she did try to get it back, but could not.
Munnky’s cry is a call for help, which might also show that she hopes or knows help will come.
‘Pops, why don’t you give her stone back?’ asks Em.
Did Em see what happened?
Seeing that he asks this, does he already assume it’s true that Pops now has the stone?
Munnky certainly cried for help. It means she believes Em has authority and might provide justice. Hence it seems that in a conflict situation, the parties involved will at times have to resort to a commonly agreed upon authority.
Does Em know his kids and trust they don’t lie? Or is it a good to assume people are honest and in this way gain more honesty out of many unknowns?
‘She smiled when I got hurt and did not say sorry,’ replies Pops.
It seems Pops does have the stone and certainly does not deny that it is not her stone; clearly, she does not want to return it.
Is she hiding it or is she physically preventing Munnky from getting the stone?
She feels she deserves the stone now that she was mentally hurt by Munnky.
‘Why must I say sorry? I did not hurt her.’ smirks Munnky.
A very legitimate reply. To her it looked funny. Also, it seems that if Pops was hurt, she would not have reacted this way.
‘If she broke her arm, would you smile? Wont you then say that you sorry that she broke her arm?’ asks Em.
‘Yes, but she only tripped. It did not look like she got hurt and it looked funny, so I smiled’ Says Munnky.
‘To you it might look like she did not get hurt, but if she says she got hurt and clearly she is upset, then why would you not want to sympathise with your sister, who you clearly love to play with?’ says Em.
So it is extremely important to take note of the other’s feelings, especially if it is one you like to play with, or else that person will not play with you anymore.
‘Because she took my stone,’ says Munnky.
Listening to both sides is crucial and getting everyone involved is essential to find the answers. It makes everyone feel important and that their issues were acknowledged.
‘Pops, maybe you should have told her you got hurt when she smiled and that you would have liked her to show some sympathy when you tripped, instead of taking her stone. ‘Munnky, I suggest that, now that you know she was hurt, you should apologise and I am sure Pops will give the stone back. Then go and play a new game together, as it is nice and cool outside now.’ says Em.’
Both parties always should learn from the experience and learn to voice their feelings more clearly and create instances where both feel they are listened to. Em is an authority figure to both in this interaction, and suggests a way to build a new relationship by playing a new game after they have apologised and made up. Also, it is important to note that Em did not say go and play with other kids. It was important that they made new, fond memories while the conflict was fresh.
Sometimes kids have many friends and if a conflict happens, they just stop being friends with a particular person and go the next. In a family this habit is mostly stopped, and kids learn to deal with conflict, and in most cases reconcile. This is necessary for adult life. It is encouraged in a family situation.
Humans are selfish in that they will inevitably do what is easier for them. Many times we think it’s easy just to avoid each other and find other friends. However, the chance of having the same conflict is high, especially if you never learnt how to deal with the conflict you ran away from.
In some situations, people have more options, so they can get away with avoiding conflict, but sooner or later the options run out. In this interaction playing, conflict, negotiation, reconciling and then playing again took place.
Two sisters were playing together, when one slipped and the other thought it as funny. The one who slipped then felt hurt and took a stone from the other one, based on instinct. Family gives us opportunity to be humane. That is, we can learn to forgive and be tolerant in a so-called caring environment. Once we are adults it is what is needed to remain humane, because humans are by nature driven by survival, which is a selfish act.
People do things out of need, but one can learn to be humane, set aside the need and become selfless; that is, the need of the other is easier to learn while in a family structure. Why be nice only because we need something? To be humane is to be nice because we want the other person to be happy.
