No need to be a perfectionist - E-Book

Nicole Teschner

• Herausgeber: MindQuieting-Verlag
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2022

Beschreibung

Overcome perfectionism, stop procrastination, and cure burnout and panic attacks: Are you constantly stressed because you always worry about what you might have done wrong? Or do you already suffer from burnout, depression, or panic attacks because your perfectionism and fear of making mistakes have brought you there? Or do you even procrastinate because you are so afraid of making mistakes? Then put an end to it now! Be surprised how much you can overcome this with this guide: For many people, it is difficult to cope with mistakes. But mistakes are just as much a part of life as successes. Again and again, people tear themselves apart, puzzling over what could have been and what they should have done differently. Failures and mistakes do not make people happy. Even small defeats can have serious consequences, such as anxiety, depression, and panic attacks, up to questioning the meaning of life and even suicidal thoughts. But don't stress! Take a breath first, and don't blame yourself! Because in this anti-stress book, you will learn how to overcome your perfectionism and depression triggered by it and eliminate panic attacks and other anxiety disorders. Go through a significant personal development with which you will become a professional in stress and error management, get rid of your depression and burnout in a flash by getting rid of your perfectionism, and thus become a little happier every day! What you will learn in this motivational book: How to overcome your perfectionism How to better deal with mistakes How to cope better with failures How to significantly improve your crisis skills How to strengthen your self-confidence How to improve your positive thinking How to enhance mindset and change bad habits How to mitigate burnout, depression, or panic attacks by setting aside perfectionism. Begin building your resilience and fault tolerance today and experience a whole new way of living: with renewed courage, strength, and remarkable confidence. This guidebook will be "your perfect new everyday companion" and provide you with "concrete help written in a very understandable way" for current problems. Because "a person is perfect only when he is no longer perfect!"

Leseprobe

Nicole Teschner

no need

to be a perfectionist:

you can also survive

mistakes!

Instruction- and workbook against perfectionism and fear of mistakes

MINDQUIETING-

VERLAG

Table of Contents

Title Page

The application and use of this book are at your own risk and without any liability on the part of the author or the publisher for damage to your own or other persons or property or assets in the event of use, incorrect use, failure, or non-use of the here described methods and strategies. Likewise, no liability is assumed for undesirable developments after reading, not reading, or using the book and the methods published here. In addition, this book does not represent any promise of healing. In the event of great stress and problems, you must seek doctors' and therapists' advice.

About this book

Only when you are no longer perfect,

1 A short introduction

1.1 Are you good at dealing with mistakes?

1.2 Important note

1.3 Mistake - an attempt to define

1.4 The effects of mistakes on the body, mind, and psyche

2 First measures

2.1 Breathe!

2.2 Let the situation sink in first - unless you need to act immediately

2.3 Be merciful to yourself!

2.4 Stop the self-doubt cascade

2.5 The disaster scale: How big is your disaster really?

2.6 Relate: other positions, other perspectives

2.7 Is everything lost now, or can anything still be saved?

2.8 Whine for a while - but only inwardly

2.9 Leave the victim role

2.10 Take your time to think: the 24-hour rule

2.11 What to learn from it?

2.12 Make a virtue of necessity

2.13 Interpret it!

2.14 The 2-week's question

2.15 If today was your last day?

2.16 Think about what you have NOT lost

2.17 If you know what has frustrated you, you may be able to mitigate it differently

2.18 Apologize!

2.19 Use proverbs and platitudes to empower yourself

3 Emotional first aid measures

3.1 Swallow the toad for now

3.2 Take the pressure out

3.3 Do yourself a lot of good

3.4 Feel your feelings, and it immediately becomes easier

3.5 Understand the golden information behind your feelings

3.6 Sleep on it for a night

3.7 Talk about it!

3.8 Comfort yourself!

3.9 When you can't let go: What is the reason?

3.10 If you could do it again: What would you change?

4 Advanced techniques

4.1 Ignore minor mistakes

4.2 Check the facts and just leave it at that

4.3 Leave exaggerated justifications

4.4 Pretend everything is fine when you make a faux pas

4.5 Let litter float by

4.6 Do not mention some words at all

Likewise, you should delete sentences like:

4.7 Please define "failure"

4.8 Others may have the quirk - and not you

4.9 Look for role models with good error culture

4.10 Why are you calmer in other areas? Find it out

4.11 Learn to endure change

4.12 Become more patient

4.13 Learn to tolerate imperfections

4.14 Slow down with the Pareto principle

4.15 Learn to tolerate blur

4.16 Stop automatisms and reflexes when something has gone wrong

4.17 Every mistake offers opportunities for growth

4.18 Others make mistakes, too - they just don't talk about it

4.19 Cultivate your gallows’ humor

4.20 Decide not to stress about it anymore

4.21 Dissect your error to the core - what remains then?

4.22 You don't have to repeat mistakes all the time! You may also learn something

4.23 Take off your masks and finally become yourself

4.24 Make cutbacks! You only have 100 % to give

4.25 Beware of imposing your perfectionism on others

5 "Deep cleansing"

5.1 Please define "being perfect" once

5.2 Check your basic moral equipment: Are you allowed to make mistakes at all?

5.3 Perfectionism can lead to burnout

5.4 Perfectionism can lead to panic attacks

5.5 Perfectionism has its price

5.6 Perfectionism always has causes

5.7 There can be formative experiences behind perfectionism

5.8 What if you let go? Perfectionism always has a function

5.9 Undock "mistakes" from self-esteem

5.10 Make a plea for yourself

5.11 Learn to endure shame and other uncomfortable feelings

5.12 Get rid of family causes

1) Model learning due to loyalty.

5.13 Deprive the error of fertile ground

5.14 Change your beliefs

5.15 Be careful with your thoughts

5.16 Change your beliefs if you are prone to self-fulfilling prophecies

"Nothing good ever happens to me anyway!"

5.17 Work on your basic mindset

5.18 Love yourself - unconditionally

5.19 Deal with your pattern: Why do you have to be perfect?

5.20 Find your Achilles' heels

5.21 Deal with experiences that still evoke guilt or shame

5.22 Overcome learned helplessness

5.23 Find the way out of the perfectionist's dilemma

5.24 Detach yourself from the exaggerated representations in social media

5.25 Avoid best contests, maximization mania, and records mentality

5.26 Excessive perfectionism: restore proportionality

5.27 Learn from narcissists - but only a little bit

5.28 Loosen the mountain distortions

5.29 Stop (exaggerated) atonement

6 Failure prevention

6.1 Take good care of yourself

6.2 Lower your stress level

6.3 Confront yourself with mistakes only when necessary

6.4 Keep psycho and conflict hygiene

6.5 Work through "unfinished business

6.6 Protect your Achilles' heels

6.7 Determine the fire accelerants

Situations that have fire-accelerating potential include:

6.8 Become happy, and you will cope better with mistakes

6.9 Learn to say "no "

6.10 Always weigh up: would you rather be perfect or healthy?

6.11 Beware of making the biggest mistake of all

7 The art of omitting mistakes

7.1 Try it! Nevertheless

7.2 If you want to fly with a broken aircraft, please take a parachute with you

7.3 Get information

7.4 Think through the processes well in advance

7.5 Practice in silence

7.6 Perseverance wins

7.7 Be realistic and smart: sometimes a professional must step in

7.8 Leave it if it is wiser

8 Completion

8.1 List of recommendations

"Deep cleansing"

Failure prevention

8.2 Disclaimer

9 Literature

Theapplicationanduse of thisbookareatyourownriskandwithoutanyliability on thepart of theauthororthepublisherfordamage to yourownorother persons orpropertyorassets in theevent of use, incorrectuse, failure, ornon-use of theheredescribedmethodsandstrategies. Likewise, no liabilityisassumedforundesirabledevelopmentsafterreading, notreading, orusingthebookandthemethodspublishedhere. In addition, thisbookdoesnotrepresentanypromise of healing. In theevent of greatstressandproblems, you mustseekdoctors' andtherapists' advice.

Protected by copyright:

© 2022 N. Teschner

cover: © 2022 Nicole Teschner

Mind-Quieting®-Verlag

Nicole Teschner

Oyther Str. 23

49377 Vechta

1.Auflage 2022

ISBN 978-3-949331-22-0

All rightsreserved.

Aboutthisbook

Mistakes are a part of life - but for some people, they are not! Again and again, they tear themselves to pieces and fall after mistakes into agonizing brooding. Even small failures stir them up so much that they question themselves thoroughly and consider themselves unworthy of life. Self-torturing, they often display an excessive perfectionism to avoid all risks, mistakes, and feelings of "being wrong."

But you can survive your mistakes and leave your perfectionism - you will learn how to do this in this book. You will learn to cope better with errors and failures and eliminate compulsive perfectionism. In addition, you will discover the causes of your behavior and significantly increase your error and crisis competence.

In the end, a new way of life awaits you: with a new self-conception for your own mistakes, new courage, strength, and confidence - and the knowledge to be perfect even without perfectionism and with all your mistakes.

Abouttheauthor

Nicole Teschner is a biologist, an alternative practitioner for psychotherapy (according to German alternative practitioner law), systemic coach, team and conflict coach, NLP coach (DVNLP), adv. NLP-Master (DVNLP), supervisor, and resilience trainer. In her practice, she supervises, coaches, and treats people with stress and conflict-related difficulties and disorders, such as burnout, neurotic depression, panic disorders, obsessive-compulsive diseases, and trauma. With her know-how as a biologist and alternative psychotherapy practitioner, and broad knowledge and experience, she develops new concepts, approaches, and strategies to provide "on-point" relief to highly stressed people, help them cope better with life, and improve their quality of life. In addition, as an author, she publishes guidebook literature in different countries. Nicole Teschner lives and practices in her home region, the Oldenburger Münsterland of Lower Saxony, Germany.

Onlywhen you are no longerperfect,

you will beperfect!

1 A short introduction

1.1 Are you good at dealing with mistakes?

How well can you deal with mistakes? Do you get over them quickly or chew on them for a long time? Or do you virtually sink into a sea of self-reproach and self-hatred when you do something wrong?

Some people find it challenging to leave mistakes, failures, or faux pas behind and deal with them calmly and constructively. Instead, they scourge themselves for it. They rack their brains for hours, days, months, and years because they may have said, done, or answered something wrong. Or, on the contrary, they have not said, done, or answered something. But this is by no means healthy and pushes the usually already high-stress level even higher. Therefore, these people try to avoid mistakes meticulously in advance and often fall prey to an exaggeratedly high level of perfectionism. Because they know that they are agitated by a mishap, take far too long to "tick off" a mistake, and usually wholly question themselves and their competencies if a slip-up has happened to them. Because of this, they avoid mistakes - always.

Or they fall into rigidity, no longer dare to do anything, and no longer try anything. That, on the other hand, is the other extreme.

Admittedly, if something goes wrong, no one will jump up and shout: "Hooray, I messed up." But even when people put their foot in their mouth or have screwed up something, some quickly come to terms with themselves and their failure. But how is that possible? How do they do this?

The difference is their advanced mishap culture: people who can cope better with mistakes and failures have specific strategies. In addition, they are different in their self-beliefs, imprints, and ideas, so they are also thrown off track when they fail. But they find their way back to their inner centre much faster and can soon leave it behind.

Now one could think that these people are better able to cope with this simply because of their disposition (i.e., their "genes"). But this is not true. Most of the strategies and patterns they use have been learned during their lives or have been shaped by experience. And because it is "only learned" and not (only) genetically determined, you have the chance to learn this too and change: If something has been learned and shaped, it can also be unlearned and changed again.

And this is what I want to teach you in this manual:

Read and learn the strategies of people with a suitable error culture and check your patterns and habits! This will allow you to brood less, rack your brains, return to normality much faster, successfully lower your stress level, and sleep much better when you apply this knowledge. You can also get rid of your overflowing perfectionism. More than 100 strategies will help you to achieve your goals.

And I wish you that very much! Good luck!

Nicole Teschner

1.2 Important note

If you suffer a lot when failures happen to you and symptoms appear that significantly limit your quality of life and require therapy, you should consult a therapist. This book cannot and is not intended to replace treatment when necessary. Nor do I make any promises of healing by reading this book.

If you notice that restlessness is your constant companion, that you are permanently under pressure, that you have considerable sleeping problems and/or other (massive) physical complaints, if you experience disturbing or unusual symptoms, if you even have difficulties in coping with life due to stress and symptoms and feel tremendous pressure of suffering, then you have to go to doctors and therapists. You should introduce yourself to them and talk about your difficulties!

This is especially needed if you have wishes or ideas about death, dying, or doing something to yourself or others: especially then (!) you must (!) go to a professionally experienced doctor and get help! If necessary, please go to a psychiatric clinic and speak openly about your suicidal thoughts or intentions or about the fear of endangering yourself or others! I will trust you will do this!

1.3 Mistake - an attempt to define

Before we start the change work, let us take a brief look at what is meant by "mistake":

"Mistake" means all unpleasant developments in which you feel guilty or "wrong." These can be minor misadventures, like knocking over a glass, or big ones, like insulting your boss. Or they are words you said and would have liked to take back afterward. Or maybe you decided on something in all conscience, which turned out to be "a big mistake." Or all the things you regret - because you did it. Or others signal their dissatisfaction with you, and you now feel guilty. But a mistake also means a factual error - for example, doing something wrong at work. Or precisely those situations where you turn red and feel embarrassed because this signals you to feel bad. Even the classic "putting your foot in your mouth" with an indignant reaction from the other person is part of it...and so on.

All this belongs to mistakes. And yet the list is far from complete because there are so many constellations where something goes wrong for people, and they must nibble at it. "Mistakes" are highly individual, and the spectrum is enormous. A "mistake" can, therefore, not be specified at all.

However, we can determine what mistakes trigger in you. And we will look at this in the next chapter.

1.4 The effects of mistakes on the body, mind, and psyche

The effects of errors and failures on the body, mind, and psyche can be summarized quite simply:

Mistakes trigger stress.

So, when we feel mentally deficient after an event, we know that something has gone wrong: something has spoiled our soup, broken our mood, hit us in the stomach, or come to bed so that we can't sleep. Put simply, we can state: If we notice any symptoms of stress about us, something is not going well for us.

Depending on what has happened, stress affects the body, mind, and psyche. Everyone has an individual stress symptom profile: Some react with back pain, others have a stomachache, and others rack their brains and get severe headaches or something else. In extreme cases, panic attacks, uncontrolled emotional reactions, or permanent listlessness may also occur.

The intermediate stage between the event and body symptom(s) - feeling the feelings that have arisen - usually does not take place at first to regain control over the situation. Therefore, the built-up tension is often discharged directly into the body, transformed into a symptom, and thus preserved until calm returns and the psyche can process what has happened. Only then do the tensions and signs gradually dissolve again, and the feelings behind can rise and be felt - if they are allowed then and not suppressed by repression or distraction maneuvers.

Some of these events we feel bad about afterward are certainly not our fault. But nevertheless, we get angry, rage, or fearful and murmur loudly or quietly to ourselves. We can try to make the most of it by addressing it and calling it a spade. In most cases, this can still influence the course of events and limit the damage. But sometimes, it does not take away all the anger and fear.

Unfortunately, some things that make us uncomfortable are self-inflicted: We messed up, and misfortune took its course. And that's why unpleasant feelings surface. Sometimes we are only a little bit to blame for what happened. But sometimes, we are much more to blame. At first, it is usually excruciating to admit this guilt to ourselves, which is why it is often vehemently resisted. Instead, it is often called the fault of "circumstance" or "other" because it is easier to shift or repress the blame. The greater the responsibility, the stronger the need for such a defense. This defense can cause new body symptoms too.

But even if the fault is initially fended off: Nevertheless, the knowledge of the truth remains deep inside. And this truth, with guilt and often shame accompanying it, is fermenting inside and sooner or later draws attention to itself. More and more feelings of guilt and shame - sometimes soon additionally in the form of physical symptoms or even depression - will force themselves until they can no longer be repressed.

And from now on, there are only two ways to deal with the feelings: further repression or allowing them to happen.

Over time, more and more defense mechanisms become necessary for repression: addictive substances or other addictions, such as work, shopping, sex or drama addiction, or other compulsive behavior, must be used to keep the feelings further repressed.

Allowing and processing are, therefore, the healthier way - but also a more painful one for the time being. Because nobody likes to experience feelings of guilt and even less shame. With suitable strategies, however, this is also possible, and we will deal with it later.

It is even more challenging to allow this when past situations have already caused guilt and shame. Then the pain of admitting it is even more significant, and those affected instinctively choose to flee the feelings by repressing them rather than face the great distress of acknowledging them. Especially when old guilt- and shame-burdened events are already slumbering in repression, admitting the latest feelings of guilt and shame is a high emotional risk: Because it could open Pandora's box and flush all the old, repressed emotions up with it - which would be very demanding, if not even overwhelming. I will later explain how to deal with such ancient and already suppressed feelings to improve your error culture.

Working through guilt and shame is never a walk in the park - I am pretty honest about that. Nevertheless, there is something to learn from it. If you can find something constructive in them, you will be able to do this. You will receive assistance in this regard also.

All in all, the impact of mistakes depends on what went wrong in the first place; and what relevance this unfortunate change has for you and those around you. But, of course, the more serious a mistake or failure, the greater the tragedy and pain. After all, you also have much to lament if you lose a lot. And, of course, in such cases, the people with a reasonable error culture are also very challenged. But they can better cope with it overall and not remain stuck in it.

And how you, too, can achieve this for yourself, you will learn how in the following chapters.

2 First measures

2.1 Breathe!

The "survival" strategies I have written here for you to better overcome failures, mistakes, and breakdowns begin with the most trivial approach. But since it always turns out that this is precisely the first thing that gets out of hand and does not work, I'm happy to write them down here anyway:

☞ If something surprising has happened, remember to breathe! The more evenly, calmly, and deeply, the better!

Of course, returning to a good breathing rhythm is difficult if something just happens that puts you under massive stress - mainly if you messed up yourself. And, of course, you are excited, and it can take your breath away or cause gasping.

But gasping for air, uncoordinated "almost not at all" or "just so-and-half" breathing makes everything worse:

In the worst case, this can develop into hyperventilation, triggering a panic attack. Or you may faint and fall over because you have unconsciously held your breath the whole time and not breathed at all. Then you suddenly become black before your eyes because of the lack of oxygen in your brain.

Furthermore, you cannot think clearly because rapid breathing maintains panic mode. And in this state, you will not find a wise solution for the next step.

In addition, the stress system can be wonderfully calmed by breathing so that "a feeling of control" gradually returns by breathing calmly.

So, rule no. 1 - always:

☞ Breathe! The more evenly, calmly, and deeply you breathe, the better!

2.2 Let the situation sink in first - unless you need to act immediately

In most cases of our lives, we do not have to act immediately because life and limb - ours or that of others - are endangered. Exceptions are accidents, misfortunes, or medical emergencies. In these cases, you should and must act immediately. Surely your unconscious will help you then, which usually intuitively knows what to do.

In all other cases, where life, limb, or livelihood are not directly threatened, they can take their time and let sink in first what happened.

---ENDE DER LESEPROBE---