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- Herausgeber: tredition
- Kategorie: Geisteswissenschaft
- Serie: One last ...
- Sprache: Englisch
In the second book of the "One last..." series, Lusie will try to figure out what love really means—and if it even is conected to erotica. Deen wants her, but will he accept sharing the girl of his dreams? Will the coming holidays bring them closer or separate them forever, as the choice is: being together forever or alone, their story forever unknown? What they shouldn't forget is the pharmacists; may they be able to hurt them across the borders too?
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Seitenzahl: 463
Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024
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Please start to read the first book in the “One last …” series to understand the content in the second.
One last Death
L.H. Kuhrau
© 2023 L.H. Kuhrau
Druck und Distribution im Auftrag der Autorin:
tredition GmbH, Heinz-Beusen-Stieg 5, 22926 Ahrensburg, Deutschland
Das Werk, einschließlich seiner Teile, ist urheberrechtlich geschützt. Für die Inhalte ist
die Autorin verantwortlich. Jede Verwertung ist ohne ihre Zustimmung unzulässig. Die
Publikation und Verbreitung erfolgen im Auftrag der Autorin, zu erreichen unter: L. H.
Kuhrau, Straße des Friedens 50, 98724 Lauscha, Germany.
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Preface
Part 1
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Part 2
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Part 3
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Afterword
One last death
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Preface
Chapter 1
Chapter 15
Afterword
One last death
Cover
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Preface
Thank you for choosing to read my second book. Additionally, it is also the second in the "One Last…" series. The entire series, but especially OLB and OLD, is written with the afterthought of many loved ones who passed away or suffered from cancer like many others do, without getting enough help or the cure they desperately needed. Therefore, I informed myself, talked a lot to those who had suffered from cancer and still did, and tried to figure out why this sickness is such a problem for us. In the following book, you will easily figure out what I came up with. I hope you enjoy the story and have a nice break, even if the book comes very close to our reality in the medical world, like the first book, OLB, also did.
Please be aware that the following book contains violence, sexual abuse, illnesses like cancer, sexual content, and other contents that might be sensitive to some readers. For further information, please check out the book subscription.
“Love them like the melodies of a symphony, finding myself at a crossroad, where the heart composes a solo and chooses its permanent refrain.”
Part 1
Chapter 1
I am just here and nowhere else. That isn’t going to change unless a wonder happens, I thought as we went along our usual path entering the forest. Here, it would be a little colder because the trees would protect us from the skin-burning sun. Additionally, one of them was special for me; the same thing happened. It was the place he kissed me the first time. The place that turned my emotions into real laughter and smiles, from the contrasting façade I had shown—now it had become a realistic one.
As we went exactly to that tree again, he touched my arm softly, so I would turn my gaze to him in wonder at what he wanted to say. Not a word, but him kneeling down in front of me was the event. At once, my eyes widened. “What are you doing? Please stand up again,” I said, shocked and looking around myself, scared that someone would see us like that. Nobody was there; just us two, surrounded by trees and small yellow flowers. "Lusie,” he whispered my name, pronouncing it like the name of an angel, and my eyes widened. What was that about? “Nathaniel I…” I tried to say anything, just anything, to stop him, but then he looked me with all his honesty into my eyes. My heart warmed, and everything felt right again. “Do you, Lusie Amans, want to marry me?” he said with a light smile, but before I could answer, the clock rang.
“Good morning.” Deen kissed me softly, as always, like I was porcelain, which was going to break the second you touched it. Luckily, it wouldn’t; just then you let it fall, but hopefully they would hold me stable enough that at least one of the brothers could hold me tightly before that was going to happen.
It has been a month since I moved into Deen’s apartment. I chose to do that the same evening I realised which decision I had to make between them. It sounds weird, but it was the only possibility that wouldn’t separate the brothers and let me see the two most important people in my life.
You can’t imagine Deen, as I told him that I “chose” him before his brother. His eyes shining, the smile, God that shouldn’t be allowed, and the relived laughter of joy as he almost ran towards me and hugged me tightly for a time that felt like hours. While he did that, I enjoyed, of course, his happiness, but as I saw Nathaniel in the background, who had been in the elevator with me on the way to the waiting Deen, as he turned around, I just don’t want to describe it. Before that, he smiled and nodded towards me like I chose right, but as he went into the elevator again, I could see the glitter in his eye. The shining glitter, which comes from water, comes from tears. In that moment, I promised myself to take care of him in my own way too. Whatever we had before, we had to figure out something similar now too. Not just for him, but also for me.
Chapter 2
Lunchtime. Finally, it had been all too long alone time in Deen’s apartment. Even though they were already fighting against the pharmaceutical industry, we were still not saved. Unfortunately, no one told me anything about how long it would be like that or what the primary results of the first judicial enforcement were. It bothers me, not just that I don’t know it, but also that they don’t believe me enough or think that they protect me if I don’t know anything. However, it also has a good side; I trust Nathaniel, and when he doesn’t tell me something, it is because everything is alright or that he doesn’t want me to be afraid. Whatever it is, he would tell me everything if it would make me a saver, but I feel, after what I have seen, that every piece of information can also be a fresh, gutted graveside.
“Are you coming?” Deen asked as I was already on my way towards him. Every lunch we would eat somewhere. It wasn’t so important for him what it would be, but Nathaniel gave him a list of good places, which definitely were the best in town. I knew he did it for my reason, and I don’t want to imagine what he feels like giving these to his brother. It makes me feel like a monster in some way. I love Deen. I really do love him. On the other side, it isn’t the same with Nathaniel. “That is not about us, but about her,” their conclusion had been for some months. The choice was mine, and I chose to be with Deen. Why is it logical, not emotional? Nathaniel didn’t want me to stay. Something that Deen, of course, doesn’t know. However, in the moment Nathaniel pleased me to go, I first realised that my heart of love was as small as a mouse on an elephant—almost not viewable. People hope for, no, they long for love, but what they don’t say or know is that there is not just one type of love that exists. Now I don’t think about parents or friends love; I think about the typical relationship. In our society, there is often monogamy and the “allowance” of murder if one of them breaks it. Of course, not in law, but people say that, even if 99% wouldn’t do that, for some, the betrayal is so hard that they at least think about it.
So, what is love for me now? You may ask. Love in my primary me—a still 22-year-old girl who hasn't been a virgin anymore for about two weeks (Deen couldn’t handle to wait any longer)—is it the longing for being with that person? You want them to be fine; that. is even more important than my own wellbeing right now. Additionally, the most important fact for me is still that you want to know and understand everything; learn after a while to read the person because you are so close. I have to stop now, or else I will start to cry at the thought that it doesn’t exist for him. Nathaniel. Even if I hope he lied, I know that he never lies to anyone. On the other side, am I just anybody to him? Do we lie to people we love more easily than strangers because we know that they will forgive us? Because I know that I will forgive him at once, whatever it is.
“What are you thinking about?” Deen asked as we drove for about ten minutes in the middle of the forest. “What is love for you?” I was curious about knowing others definitions. He laughed and looked at me. "You," he said, and I rolled my eyes. “That is not a definition; it is me, a person,” I said, and I looked out of the window. There, I saw a mother deer with her fawns. “It is a complex neurobiological phenomenon characterised by the release of neurotransmitters such as oxytocin and dopamine, influencing emotional states, attachment behaviour, and physiological responses, ultimately contributing to a deep sense of connection and well-being,” he said, and I laughed. “Alright, doctor, but what does it feel like?” I replied, and he took a deep breath. “Like butterflies in the stomach, or what do you mean?” he said as a classical subscription. “I thought of a definition of what you expect from it or what it makes you feel like.” I tried to explain, and he saw me and began his poem. “Then my soul finds its melody in the intertwining notes of affection, where the very rhythm of my being is harmonised with another's presence, a connection so vital that it becomes the breath that sustains me, a silent balm to the quiet storms within,” he said.
At once, I realised what it meant for me and his relationship with me, but I had to keep myself in silence for now. Additionally, I had to talk with Nathaniel about it as fast as possible. Because if I couldn't handle Deen in a "storm,” like he said, which is a mystery for me, then my own stability is not that of a tree either way. “Don’t you agree?” he asked me carefully, as I hadn’t replied for a while in shock. “It is your way to define it, but I don’t think that it is good for me to be your “sustaining breath,”” I said, making him silent at once.
“Deen?” I tried to get him to say anything after a while. His fists there flexed around the stirring all of the time, and his mood shifted as fast as never before. “You are going to leave me again. I can feel that.” He said that, and I wondered why he thought that way. It hadn’t caught my attention. I didn’t want to leave him. I wanted to be with him, but not “just” him. Even if I knew that it wouldn’t be possible, it was an inner wish of mine. Living without Nathaniel turned out to be harder than expected.
“Deen, please don’t think alike. How long have we known each other this way? Not even a month,” I said, and he turned towards me. “That’s it—for me, a second was enough to know that I wouldn’t touch another woman anymore, just you forever. Our first kiss was incredible,” he explained, and my eyes filled themselves with water. “I pushed you away,” I said, and he smiled weekly. “You did; you looked into my eyes and kissed me once more,” he said, and I thought about it but had to correct it. “That wasn’t the first kiss," and he laughed likely. “That was the first accepted kiss, so I take it as I want,” and so he pulled to the right, and before I could say a word, he turned towards me and kissed me in desire. As always, my mind changes with his actions, which makes me weaker. Immediately, I feel sorry for my thoughts and sayings and kiss him back. Even if it was neither want nor desire that led me to do that, love was in that moment also a medicine that worked out at once—Deen could be himself again, so he would smile full-time.
The bartender had already come, but I had just been staring at the menu for half an hour without going one step further. Some of them sounded delicious, but they could be very expensive, and I don’t want to order anything for the price of one or even two monthly incomes from me earlier. “What do you want?” Deen asked me as the bartender stood beside us, and he was finished with saying his choices. “I am unsure,” I said. “We need some more minutes, okay?” he explained to the bartender-girl, who smiled too kindly at Deen, even if I was sitting right in front of him, not to overlook. What I felt was nothing more than sorriness for her. Why did she flirt with men who were in relationships if her looks would allow her to flirt with many others? Was it a game? Something that she liked, or in general was really fun, that I hadn’t experienced?
“Would you please at least look at the menu?” Deen asked after I thought about her acting and the purpose of it. “You are not really jealous now, are you?” he asked, and at some point, it sounded like he wanted me to be it. “You there just talking to her; why shall I be?” I asked him, carefully trying not to sore him with the fact that I hadn’t such feelings at all. “Others would already think of her gestures as a reason, but however, what do you want?” he asked me again, and I looked at the menu once more. “What do you want to have?” I asked him, and he smiled, amused. “Maybe you will be in the bath in two minutes,” he said, and I rolled my eyes, not at all affected by his random saying. “I would take the stake, but my brother would surely take the lobster or something with seafood,” he said, challenging me. By the thought about Nathaniels food choice, I immediately got hungry. It had been the best meal I had ever eaten, but now I was with Deen, not him, so I would try his choices too.
“Don’t you have birthday soon?” Deen asked me, and I looked sceptically into his eyes. “Where do you know that from?” I asked, and he smirked and revealed, “My brother." I raised an eyebrow, wondering when I had said that or where he knew it from, but Deen continued, so I couldn’t find an answer to my thought. “Do you want to travel away with me, or what do you want?” he asked, and at once I hated to say what I wanted because I knew he wouldn’t like it. “Can’t we just don’t make a big thing out of it? Invite family, and so get over it.” I suggested, and his face fell. “Get over it? It's your birthday,” he said, and I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, it is, but I had twenty-two birthdays before that and am hopefully going to have more,” I remarked, rolling my eyes.
“So, you want to celebrate with Nathen?” he said, without hesitation about the name. “Do you know what I really would like, Deen?” I pronounced his name with a warning, and he leaned back so that I was further away from him. However, I stayed slightly bent over the table so that I would have been closer to him normally. “I want you to stop with that jealousy,” I said, and he stopped looking me in the eyes, just to stir at the bartenders, who wobbled with every step. I leaned back, bored by his attempt to make me jealous. Nathaniel would never do that; he wasn’t jealous because he knew that he had my heart and that if I wanted to go, jealousy wouldn’t have been for his benefit.
“I am not a liar, Deen, and it hurts me that you think about me as one, but yes, I want to celebrate with him too. Is that so ridiculous? I have been living with him in the same apartment for several months, and” I stopped myself, but Deen just saw me in the eyes again and asked, “And you what?”. Luckily, the bartender came with our meal, so I had a short break before he would bother with that question again. We both thanked her kindly, and I began to eat the stake once she was away. It wasn’t convenient with the meals I had with Nathaniel, but it was still good. “ Could you continue what you said before she came? He said firm and didn’t begin with eating, even if it stood right in front of him. Therefore, I stopped, with the thought that his mood and ideas about my thoughts would get worse if I didn’t say them right away. Of course, I could lie; Deen wasn’t able to read me like his brother could and wouldn’t recognise it. On the other side, it wouldn’t help me at all. I needed to tell him the truth.
“You know, Deen, I love you, but choosing between you two is the worst thing that ever happened in my life. I don’t feel complete, neither with just you nor him,” I said, and it took him a long time to consider my statement and to realise what I was saying.
“Through my entire life, it has always been him. We had to share everything, so we had the same starting position. However, he would earn more than I did. I am aware of my mistakes and his perfectness but trust me one thing: I would never ever share my girlfriend with him, if that is what you asked for,” and so he stood up before I could reply and went in haste out of the restaurant.
Chapter 3
“We have to talk,” I said to him, trying as hard as possible to be cold but not angry in public. My feelings there were otherwise: I wanted to destroy every marble wall, every flower, even myself and him, just everything—the entire world. In the end, I knew that was a beginning from nothing, from total sadness and a lack of motivation. Thank you, Lusie.
"Deen, calm down, please.” Nathen pleaded with me, but I knew that it was too late. I ran down to the doctor's office, and I heard him coming after me. I didn’t care. I had to come to a space where I could express my feelings. Otherwise, it would hurt soon. Maybe I had a chance to just let everything out and be me again before the other side would take his chance and overtake me. I pushed the button, which would bring me downstairs, a thousand times before the doors finally closed. Nathen came after me, but he didn’t stress. With large steps, he came after me, and before the elevator started, he pushed the button outside, and the doors opened again. With him inside, I had to try to calm myself; otherwise, he wouldn’t be safe inside here with me. That would have been a wise, normal thought, but right now, that person, my brother, was one of these people I wanted to see die.
The door was closed, and I almost jumped towards him, ready to fight and kill that person who stole my life again. What he did wasn’t just unexpected; it was also something that calmed me so fast that I could feel that my emotions were taking over. I was falling, like so many times, into a painful place of nowhere, where happiness was a mystery of the past and hopefully the future. Nathen had his arms tightly around me and pulled me into a hug that surely looked normal, but it felt so intense. I had missed my brother, but I knew that my feelings were primary and, unfortunately, not lasting. At once, the fear that he would steal her, gripped me. I would wish that we had never met her.
However, I let it out. In the elevator, in the warm arms of Nathen. I cried. Oceans were flooding out of my eyes until nothing was left. Surely, he had pushed any button because the elevator doors didn’t open. Luckily, because the unnecessary kind questioning would not only steal my existence but also pull me even further down, I thought then nothing more than a helpless sob would come out of me. “Do you want to take yourself free for a few days?” he asked me kindly, but I knew that staying home would only make it worse; I needed something to do, which is why I said, “Thank you so much, brother; never forget that; it will hopefully not happen again.” I went to the other side of the elevator, realising that my eyes hurt and his complete working clothes were wet. “But I do think that I have to work somehow. Just not start thinking, you know,” I explained, and he pressed a button so that the doors opened. Surprisingly, we were not in the basement but in Nathaniel's apartment.
We stepped out at the same time, but he went into a room where he got clean clothes for both him and me. "Thanks,” I said, and he asked what had happened. In the moment he finished his question, my eyes widened as I realised what I had done. “Deen?” Nathaniel recognised my expression change and looked directly into my eyes, surely trying to read my mind. “Where is she?" he said suddenly, and of course he got it easily. “We… we there at the restaurant,” I stammered, and he almost shouted at me, “Which?!?” and I told it quickly, but almost before I had finished, he had left the apartment.
I cursed myself at once. How could I lose control so easily? We had just been eating. Everything had appeared to be fine, but now… If anything were to happen to her now, it would be nobody else but my fault. In the end, this would have consequences, as I already knew. Even if nothing happened to her, which hopefully was the case, neither she nor my brother would trust me enough to let her stay with me again, I thought. Again, my legs began to feel shaky at first before they wouldn’t hold me anymore. I was falling, not just literarily but also mentally. My life seemed to be in ruins again, and right now, I wouldn’t have the strength to build it up. The warm room that surrounded me felt ice cold; my entire body was shaking as I cried out what was left of my body's fluid.
Apparently, I had fallen asleep on the floor of Nathen’s apartment. Everything hurts, surely because I am not used to sleeping on the hard ground. However, it didn’t bother me. I deserved that pain, even if it was only a small scratch compared to the internal. Had I been sleeping for a long time? Where was Lu? Is she fine? I asked myself while going like a zombie throughout the empty apartment. I stopped inside every room and looked around for a few seconds, just to realise that nobody was in the apartment. What shall I do now?
In my primary state, I couldn’t get out of the clinic; if anybody saw me, everything would turn worse. Therefore, I went to the large window, which luckily isn’t see-through, so nobody would see me, but I would see everyone. Like this, I stood for hours. I was waiting for my girl and Nathaniel to enter, but nothing happened. Hours went by, but still nothing. It wasn’t possible for me to just lay there anymore. Already now, not just my innerness but also my entire body itself is hurting from the uncomfortable waiting position I had.
However, I wanted to call the only existing number I had in mind—my brother’s.
The first call wasn’t answered by him, but by the answering machine. The second call said that it couldn’t reach out. Therefore, I waited for ten further minutes, which didn’t seem like minutes but hours. The building was still sterile and silent; nothing had happened. The only thing that was hearable for me was the increasing beat of my heart. Suddenly the phone rang; finally, I thought, and I went to it at once. Without checking the number, I took it. “Hello?” I said, but the only thing that was hearable was a stable breath and a rustle or hiss, which I couldn’t tell.
I had to stay calm for not saying the name of Nathaniel, but neither could I wait until the other person started—something my brother had taught me. “Who am I talking to too?” I asked, and an ugly grin was hearable. “Do you think it would be so easy?” the other person, with an edited voice, said. My eyes widened, but I did react. At once, I jumped up to get my phone, which I started recording with. “What are you talking about?” I said while I did that, “Come on, don’t make this boring, Deen,” the voice said, and I was shocked that it knew who I was. “What do you want me to say then?” I asked, longing for information about the situation; what I got was laughter. “I am sorry, but please don’t waste my time now. What do you want? Money?” I asked as firmly as I could; luckily, I had wasted my tears earlier, but my voice still felt a little shacky. “I don’t want anything. I get everything. It's just to wait for stupid acts, which will make it easier. Can you imagine what kind of acting I do mean?” the person asked, and I had to swallow the motion before he continued. “You know it. It's your fault. They will die. Painful. I will tell you what I will do to them now,” the person said, and somehow I did obey. I didn’t say a word. Everything I had learned, I did wrong. I failed again.
“I will begin with the girl because he obviously adores her. Saving her would otherwise be such stupid acting that I hope my son wouldn’t do that in any case. Have you heard that, Deeny?” the now-known voice said, and I had to fight with myself not to start sobbing into the microphone. "Stop,” I said in the hope of sounding strong and powerful, but I did sound like a looser. Which I apparently was; otherwise, he wouldn’t have them. “At first, I will track every single strand of hair and let some laundry detergent float over the wounds. Just imagine that beautiful screaming sound. After that, I will rip out her nails, both toe and fingers,” he said, but I yelled into the microphone, “STOP!!!” so that he would stop for one second, but the only reaction that came was an amused laughter.
"Afterward, I will rip out her tongue and put it deep down her throat. She doesn’t deserve anything worse; she hasn’t done so much,” he explained sadistically, like he was being kind. “What do you want?!?” I shouted, and he laughed. “You know what I do want,” he said, and I rolled my eyes. Even if I wanted, I couldn’t give him what he wanted. He surely wanted the court case to stop or our clinic to end. Whichever it was, it wasn’t mine, but Nathen’s. Oh, I miss him so much right now. He would have done, whatever it was, better than me, right? I am just a doctor; this isn’t my scene.
“Okay, I will do whatever you want when you bring them back. Now!” I decided, lying hopefully well. "Oh, Deeny, don’t think of you as such a big thing. You are nothing. You can’t even control yourself. He would never give you the reins for his horse,” it said, and for me, every single word felt like it could be true. Even if I knew that it wasn’t, my mind connoted it as right for the moment. Last strength, I thought, you have to show up now, or this moment is going to ruin the rest of me completely, which until now has “just” been broken.
“Good, then I can just go to fucking sleep now. Apparently, I can’t help you. Good night,” I said, but the voice luckily did stop me; otherwise, my plan would have been ruined. “Deeny boy, don’t hang up now. It has just begun to get funny,” it said, and I rolled my eyes at it. Interesting definition of the word "funny.”.
“As he was so kind to me that he let you work for him, we can cooperate now,” the voice suggested, and Nathen’s biggest nightmare did happen. The reason he hadn’t wanted me to work for him. He was going to use me as an informant now, and whatever I would say or do would be wrong. If I lied, they would be dead, and I wouldn’t handle myself anymore, so the clinic would be ruined. If I said the truth and nothing else, then the same would happen. The only difference is that I may survive a day longer. The voice lied, or at least it wouldn’t let Nathen and Lusie go, like, “Have a nice day; your clinic is ruined, so we are fine now." No. They would die, like me too. It was just a question of time. Whatever I did, I had to stretch it out as long as possible, in the hope that a wonder was going to happen.
“What do you mean?” I asked over again, in the hope that he would make it clearer or just track the time. “What do you give them? Expect your vitamin medication,” it said, and my head started to hurt because of all the stress it had been until now. It was so painful that I didn’t get any ideas for a good answer. “Deen, you have my address. Just drive to it now!” The voice spoke clearly and decidedly, but I was confused as it did hang up.
Why would he believe me? If I could get some police officers on the way to him, it would ruin him in the end. Something had happened, which would be even worse. I did know. Otherwise, his action wouldn’t be logical, but stupid. However, as I went into the bathroom and saw myself in the mirror, I was at once aware that I couldn’t go anywhere. Not because of my pride, ego, or whatever other reasons there may be. No. It was because of my existence. Let’s say I went right away to the pharmacist’s villa. He would laugh at me until I fell in front of his feet, and if that happened, I wasn’t just useless to myself and Nathaniel; no, also to him. If that were to happen, the only thing you could do with me is put my ass into psychiatry.
I went out of the bathroom to take a look into the clinic, just to calm myself, in the thought that nothing would have changed at least there. I was right. At first. Suddenly, the main entrance door opened. My eyes widened, and somehow my last tear fell too. What the hell was happening here?
Chapter 4
Before I could explain anything, he ran away. Of course, I tried to stand up and hurry after him, but he was already driving out of the parking lot when I reached the door. That wasn’t what I meant; he did understand me completely wrong, I thought as I stood there and saw after him as he drove away from me. Hopefully he would turn back; therefore, I just went back to our table and sat down to continue eating my meal. It wasn’t just that everybody stared at us, but also that if I had to pay anything, I wouldn’t have the chance to do it. I was bound to that restaurant until he came back to me. I didn't have a phone either way, so I couldn’t call Deen or Nathaniel. I was absolutely dependent on them, as I first realised.
“Is everything okay, mam?” The bartender girl asked curiously, but I had to lie, or else I didn’t want to know what she would do to me. "Yes, absolutely, the meal is good, uh, but he just had to go.” I struggled with lying; they should have taught me that too. “Business called, but he will be back in half an hour, so I would like to wait until then if that’s fine,” I said, not as a question, just to be here alone for some further minutes without anybody bothering me for the payment. If that would happen, I had to work it out or find another solution, and that frightened me already. Luckily, it was just two a.m., so there are not many visitors here right now. Hopefully, he will calm himself. I begged again, regretting my way of saying it to him. I shouldn’t have said anything at all, at least not in a direct way, but I miss Nathaniel, and I really want to see him again. Whenever that might be, I thought as I sat there alone in silence.
With every door opening, a smile came onto my face, only to vanish at once as I saw that the new visitor was a stranger. After almost an hour, I still sat there alone, with just a glass of water in front of me, and I started to realise that Deen wouldn’t come back. Whatever mood he had right now, or if that was the last bit the bomb needed to explode, as Nathaniel had warned me, it was my fault that I did say that. It wasn’t necessary to do that right now, and I hadn’t thought over it enough before I just reviled the truth. On the other side, like this, I wouldn’t be able to live forever. I am already a careful person, but I can’t think about every single word a thousand times before I finally say it. If I had to do that forever, I would stay silent. Forever.
I remarked that everyone got more nervous with every second that passed. The reason was partly me, who reserved four chairs alone. The main dinner time was on its way; only in half an hour would the house be full of people, I imagined. Suddenly, he came inside. Not Deen, no, another familiar face—Nathaniel. Before I could react, he had already scanned the room and found me. In the end, I stood up almost at the same time as he stood in front of me. A tear welled up in my eye, and he took me into his arms. At once, I felt myself again, more than I did with Deen. I felt so delighted and reviled that I had to use all my self-control not to sob in public. Spoiler: At once, as Nathaniel had paid and we entered the car, I couldn’t hold myself. Additionally, we didn’t say a word to each other before we entered it. As always, he read me like an open book and understood my situation at once.
“Hey, I am here now, Lusie. Don’t worry.” Nathaniel tried to calm me as tears flowed down my cheek like a waterfall. Carefully, he took my hand in his warm hands, which made me relax immediately because it showed me even more clearly that this wasn’t a dream; no, I was literally sitting beside him. Finally. It warmed my frozen heart in another way. “Have you seen him?” I had to ask, because otherwise I would feel ashamed of myself. In the end, Deen is still his brother; even if it isn’t genetic, the past never changes.
"Yes,” he answered shortly, like he didn’t want to talk about him, which bothered me a little on one side, but on the other, I wanted to use every second I did have with him fully. "Lusie, I don’t know what I will do with you tonight,” he said, and it was the first time I saw that he looked a little scared and helpless.
Without that, I had to ask, and he answered my questions. “Deen is in a psychical phase; he does need professional help. Please don’t blame me for that; I don’t want you to be with him then. Not because you wouldn’t help him, but I don’t think that it would have a positive impact on you at all,” he tries to explain, and even if it sounded like the hardest thing you could say in such a situation, I understood him immediately.
Of course, not just because I wanted to spend more time with him; more because of that, I didn’t feel like myself the past few months. I stood up, walked, smiled, and went to bed again like a machine, which was suited for him. Not at all. I felt like myself. It wasn’t the wearing of a mask, which I felt familiar with already, but that it was towards anybody you should view yourself as, like I did it with Nathaniel.
He slipped my hand to take it up to my face; there he would hold me and slide away my tears like he had done it before. I pressed myself lightly against his touch, wanting to show him my affection and hoping that he wouldn’t pull away again. “Lusie,” he whispered. “I’ve missed you,” he admitted, and I smiled lightly again. “That’s an understatement towards my feelings,” I acknowledged too, and I saw a heartwarming smile on his fantasies-making lips. “I am sorry,” he said as his hand left my sudden cold skin.
“What for?” I asked at once, scared that I would miss him again. Did he already regret his words? That wasn’t fair. Why would life give me such struggles all the time? What had I done wrong? I asked myself as he turned his face again towards mine so that he could look me in the face with his shining eyes again. “I am sorry for that. I did take the chance on the event that happened today. It should never have happened”, my eyes widened as my thought went to the view minutes; he did touch me and alighted my mood. Was it already turning into regret?
Suddenly, his face lightened. “I mean, he left you today, of course,” he explained, and at once, with this playful smile, he actually adored me still. It had been a long time since I felt them—the butterflies in my chest, which are all too wild to be tamed by Deen. The only one who has this ability will always be him, my Nathaniel.
“I think we shall start to drive home; he is there too." Nathaniel explained, and I couldn’t tell why it disappointed me. I did live in Deen’s apartment and lost my innocent virgin life to him. Somehow, I felt like I was just a play figure in the moment that I found out that I never did feel the same for Deen as I did for Nathaniel. It was more comfortable with Deen; I could fully relax and be the same person as I always had been—sometimes, of course, not in the mood he had today. Relaxing was something I didn’t need with Nathaniel; sleep wasn’t so necessary either, just for him. I needed him. Whenever I had been with him, my body was filled with butterflies, and I had so much energy in myself, like I never had before, and the only wish was that he wouldn’t vanish. He would stay with me, something that he could never do for his entire life. Even if we were together, his clinic would have first priority, as I knew. On the other side, I know him just because of this clinic, and what he does there I do think is amazing, so why shall I track him away from that anyway?
Slowly, we drove through the empty streets. It was now almost six o'clock, and people were surely home at this time already from work. I did think, imagining myself for several years as I took the bus at ten p.m. home. It had always been like that: people get home, eat, and chatter with their family, so they may look at a TV show and go to bed. same thing every single day. Of course, some of them had hobbies and would go to football or the gym, but they too wouldn’t meet me. Just some teenagers who didn't have the licence would sit in the bus at that time. Luckily, in that way, it had been a lot of a saver for me; fewer people reduce the chance of whoever may hurt me.
“What are you thinking about?” Nathaniel asked carefully, which surprised me; therefore, I answered, “Aren’t you able to read my mind today anymore?” which was followed by our laughter. “I just think about my past, and it seems like the rest of the world hasn’t changed so much since I went to you,” I said, and he looked at me a little sad. “Do you want to go back to your past life?” he asked, and I was shocked that he could think that. Had I ever said a positive word about my past since Elisa left me? I don’t think so. “No!” I said, therefore, in laughter, “If I had a choice, I would never turn back to that time.” I explained and saw his expression changing into wondering, “Why do you think that you aren’t going to have a choice about that?” he asked, and put me into silence. Hadn’t he noticed how dependent I was on him or Deen? Without them, I would be in the middle of nowhere, alone, without food or anything to look forward to. My primary problems are luxury problems, nothing more than that.
“You know, I didn’t build up another life as I left my old. You helped me in every way, so I could live in yours and Deen’s for that while, but if the two of you aren’t interested in me anymore", I stopped letting him think, not in the want of saying another word about that. However, as he hadn’t said a single word after some minutes, I looked into his tensed face to ask, “Are you fine?” just to get the conversation to continue. “I am regretting something. It’s the first time I do that ever, and it feels horrible,” he explained, and my face fell at once.
Was Nathaniel regretting taking me closer into his life? Not just healing me and letting me go, or is that the reason that he pushed me into Deen’s life? Why wouldn’t he play fair with me then? If this were the case, would I have to start a new life in another place now? One thing I knew was that if he didn’t want me, I had to leave. Living with Deen forever wasn’t an option anymore. On the other hand, being surrounded by the memories we make every day without having Nathaniel around me would ruin the last whole part of me.
Chapter 5
I parked my car and stepped out at once, first opening the door for Lusie, then hurrying upstairs to Deen. Surprised by the fact that he had been waiting for me, I went towards him. His face was as pale as the face of a corpse; the eyes had turned red from all the crying, and if he had some tears left, he would continue, I could tell. Without saying a word, my shocked brother went to me and hugged me heartily. “You are alive,” he whispered, and I frowned. “Of course, I just got Lusie from the restaurant. What happened?” I asked at once. If he was hallucinating, I had to check out his physical signs at once, but I accepted it to be mental. Still, I couldn’t tell why he thought that something had happened to me.
Before he could continue, the elevator behind me opened, and Lusie came carefully out. She was surely scared of how Deen would react or if she was doing the right thing. Partly, her difficult situation was my fault, as I knew. It had been me who wanted her to go to my brother, and that was something I do regret now. My intention was to help Dean, who needed somebody. He had never been able to be alone forever, and his thousands of women’s were just something to distract the inner desire for love. I had been reading a lot about it and tried to analyse his sickness completely, but still I hadn’t thought about everything.
Lusie had been “mine” in his mind, but she chose him in front of me, thought Dean as she went to him. In the end, it was the only opportunity she had in that situation, despite her leaving, which I was very sure she wouldn’t. I knew that she did like him, but I was also aware that she wasn’t in love with him like she was with me.
However, I did want her to be in love with him. Dean isn’t perfect or normal either, but he could make her life comfortable, healthy, and better than I would. How could I give her the life she does deserve if I wasn’t home more than an hour a day? There are never holidays or weekends; sickness doesn’t have a break. Additionally, I would never forgive myself for the death of a person who could have lived, just because I am distracted in some way.
"Lu,” Dean said, and he went towards her fast, taking her hands into his and looking at them. “They aren’t damaged either,” he realised, and he turned towards me again. “Can we talk?” he asked. I looked at Lusie and said, “If you need anything, we will be in the office. Ask one of the nurses if you can't find it, but it's in the cellar. Please feel free to do whatever you want upstairs, so here.” I corrected myself, trying not to say a maybe triggering word like our apartment or home in the presence of Dean. For some reason, she tried hardly not to look into my eyes, something that she knew that I didn’t like. In fact, she seemed uneasy, nervous, and maybe a little sad.
Unfortunately, I didn’t have the time to talk to her now, but I would do that later. As of today, I didn’t like her in that uncomfortable way at all. If it was Dean she worried about, which I wouldn’t suspect her to do, or else I had underestimated her feelings for him, I would tell her what he has and what we are going to do with that more specifically. Maybe that would help, I thought as I pushed the button and the doors closed.
“She will forgive you; don’t worry,” I said to Dean, but he shrugged like he didn’t mind at all. Something that irritated me: how could he act like he didn’t mind at all? Wasn’t he supposed to be in love with her? What had been going on between them while I hadn’t been present in the past months?
His whole presence was machine-like, without any further emotions, but in his eyes, I could see that there were no tears left. "Here, drink that.” I reached him a glass of water. By so much crying, he must be thirsty; at least it will be good for him even if he is not. “Tell me,” I said, to make him start with whatever he wanted me to know. “They fooled me,” he said, and I couldn’t follow who he meant, but after a short pause, Deen went on, “I am sorry; I really am. I don’t know why I did that or what was in my mind as I left her, but if you take her away from me… He stopped almost threatening me, but I wouldn’t obey. “Deen, that’s not what you wanted to say, but for answering your question, it would be foolish to risk something alike again,” I said dryly without a hint of emotion, or else his mind would come to the conclusion that I was longing for a situation like this to make her “mine” again.
“I think it was your father,” Deen said after some minutes of silence. “The voice was tuned, so it wasn’t hearable, but it talked from his position,” he explained. “What did the pharmacist say?” I struggled to say another name. He was just my biological father. We had nothing to do with each other. No response. For a while, he balled his hands into fists and became shaky. “Hey, it's alright. Just tell me,” I said kindly with a soft voice and went towards him and took my hand upon his shoulder, so he would feel me being with him and not against him.
“I am so sorry,” he began to sob, so I sat down. I hadn’t imagined it to be such a big deal for him to say to me. While my hand rested on his other shoulder, Deen began slowly, “Before the call, I was sitting at the window, waiting for your return. After a while, my body was so tired from the crying and worrying. He stopped, so I tried to complete his sentence: “You had to get you some food or anything to drink from the kitchen, then the phone called.” I tried to figure it out, and he just nodded. “I didn’t get it at all. The voice. Your abstinence. My head just hadn’t the energy left for the thinking,” he explained, and I nodded knowingly. It had always been like that with Deen. If he had a breakdown, he would need weeks or even months to regenerate himself.
