Peer Power E-Book

Cynthia Clay

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Fachliteratur
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 406

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2012

Beschreibung

Peer Power "Peer Power is my pocket coach. Useful, insightful, andimmediately applicable, the book is a life saver in buildingbusiness relationships and resolving conflicts." --Pamela J. Schmidt, executive director, ISA -The Association of Learning Providers "Peer Power is a great resource, full of practicalsuggestions for employees, managers and leaders. Cynthia Clay andRay Olitt have gone beyond giving us the usual platitudes fordealing with difficult co-workers. Through a series of casestudies, they outline specific steps one can take to improverelationships across the board in a company or organization. Ihighly recommend Peer Power." --Fred Allemann, national learning manager, UnitedStates Tennis Association "If you are looking for a practical and engaging book to helpyou transform your interpersonal relationships, read PeerPower. You will find the key principles and strategies eyeopening, simple and powerful. The case studies will help you betterunderstand the dynamics of interpersonal relationships. The cheatsheets and worksheets throughout the book will help you diagnoseand devise your own solutions to refine and build yourinterpersonal relationships at home or at work." --Ghenno Senbetta, learning team leader, US Pipelinesand Logistics, BP America, Inc. "This book offers tools for improving interpersonalrelationships, with the improvement always starting 'at home.' Thecontent is presented for quick comprehension. Cynthia and Ray havegone to extraordinary lengths to deepen the readers' understandingof each concept and strategy with real life examples, along withquestionnaires at the end of each case chapter." --Nancy Scholl, CFO, Wright Hotels, Inc.

Leseprobe

Contents

Cover

Endorsements

About This Book

About NetSpeed Learning Solutions

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Acknowledgments

Introduction

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

OUR COLLABORATIVE INSIGHT

HOW TO USE THIS BOOK

NOTE TO ORGANIZATIONAL LEADERS

YOUR TESTIMONIALS

LET'S GO

QUESTIONNAIRE: “ABOUT YOU”

QUESTIONNAIRE: “ABOUT THEM”

Chapter 1: Mistakes We Have Made (And You Can Avoid): Manipulating, Whining, Attacking, and Bullying

MANIPULATING

WHINING

ATTACKING

BULLYING

WHERE WE'RE HEADED

PERSONAL SELF-ASSESSMENT

PERSONAL SELF-ASSESSMENT SCORING KEY

Chapter 2: What We Have Learned: Four Key Principles

FOUR KEY PRINCIPLES

CONCLUSION

Chapter 3: Strategies for Transforming Relationships

INTRODUCTION

THE FIVE STRATEGIES

SUMMARY OF THE STRATEGIES

PLAN B (IF YOUR INITIAL STRATEGY FAILS)

LET'S GET TO THE CASES

Chapter 4: From the Attacker to the Constructive Critic

CLUES TO THE ATTACKER

HELPFUL ASSUMPTIONS

KEY PRINCIPLES: TAKE RESPONSIBILITY AND BUILD RELATIONSHIPS

STRATEGY: COLLABORATING

PLAN B (IF YOUR INITIAL STRATEGY FAILS)

THE REST OF THE STORY

Chapter 5: From the Whiner to the Problem Solver

CLUES TO THE WHINER

HELPFUL ASSUMPTIONS

KEY PRINCIPLES: TAKE RESPONSIBILITY AND EXTEND RESPECT

STRATEGY: COACHING

PLAN B (IF YOUR INITIAL STRATEGY FAILS)

THE REST OF THE STORY

Chapter 6: From the Scene Stealer to the Ally

CLUES TO THE SCENE STEALER

HELPFUL ASSUMPTIONS

KEY PRINCIPLES: TAKE RESPONSIBILITY, BUILD RELATIONSHIPS, AND BE REAL

STRATEGY: COLLABORATING OR GOING HEAD-TO-HEAD

PLAN B (IF YOUR INITIAL STRATEGY FAILS)

THE REST OF THE STORY

Chapter 7: From the Drive-by Boss to the Engaged Leader

CLUES TO THE DRIVE-BY BOSS

HELPFUL ASSUMPTIONS

KEY PRINCIPLES: TAKE RESPONSIBILITY, EXTEND RESPECT, AND BE REAL

STRATEGY: COLLABORATING OR COACHING

PLAN B (IF YOUR INITIAL STRATEGY FAILS)

THE REST OF THE STORY

Chapter 8: From the Manipulator to the Open Communicator

CLUES TO THE MANIPULATOR

HELPFUL ASSUMPTIONS

KEY PRINCIPLES: TAKE RESPONSIBILITY AND EXTEND RESPECT

STRATEGY: COLLABORATING

PLAN B (IF YOUR INITIAL STRATEGY FAILS)

THE REST OF THE STORY

Chapter 9: From the Clueless Colleague to the Considerate Teammate

CLUES TO THE CLUELESS COLLEAGUE

HELPFUL ASSUMPTIONS

KEY PRINCIPLES: TAKE RESPONSIBILITY, BUILD RELATIONSHIPS, AND BE REAL

STRATEGY: COLLABORATING

PLAN B (IF YOUR INITIAL STRATEGY FAILS)

THE REST OF THE STORY

Chapter 10: From the Faux-Smart Boss to the Knowledgeable Leader

CLUES TO THE FAUX-SMART BOSS

HELPFUL ASSUMPTIONS

KEY PRINCIPLES: TAKE RESPONSIBILITY, EXTEND RESPECT, AND BE REAL

STRATEGY: COACHING OR COLLABORATING

PLAN B (IF YOUR INITIAL STRATEGY FAILS)

THE REST OF THE STORY

Chapter 11: From the Slacker to the Contributor

CLUES TO THE SLACKER

HELPFUL ASSUMPTIONS

KEY PRINCIPLES: TAKE RESPONSIBILITY AND BUILD RELATIONSHIPS

STRATEGY: COLLABORATING

PLAN B (IF YOUR INITIAL STRATEGY FAILS)

THE REST OF THE STORY

Chapter 12: From the Bully to the Assertive Leader

CLUES TO THE BULLY

HELPFUL ASSUMPTIONS

KEY PRINCIPLES: TAKE RESPONSIBILITY AND EXTEND RESPECT

STRATEGY: COMPROMISING

PLAN B (IF YOUR INITIAL STRATEGY FAILS)

THE REST OF THE STORY

Chapter 13: From Challenges to Collaboration

OBSTACLE 1: THE OTHER PERSON REFUSES TO DISCUSS THE ISSUE BECAUSE TRUST HAS ERODED

OBSTACLE 2: THE OTHER PERSON BECOMES DEFENSIVE WHEN YOU BRING UP YOUR CONCERNS

OBSTACLE 3: THE OTHER PERSON PROPOSES A SOLUTION OR MAKES A REQUEST THAT YOU DON'T LIKE

OBSTACLE 4: YOU REACH A DEADLOCK OR THE PERSON PROCRASTINATES MAKING A DECISION

OBSTACLE 5: THE OTHER PERSON AGREES TO A SOLUTION BUT DOES NOT KEEP HIS COMMITMENT

FINAL THOUGHTS

Chapter 14: Technology: A Blessing and a Curse

VOICE MAIL: DANGERS AND GUIDELINES

VOICE-TO-VOICE: DANGERS AND GUIDELINES

TELECONFERENCING: DANGERS AND GUIDELINES

E-MAIL: DANGERS AND GUIDELINES

INSTANT MESSAGING (IM): DANGERS AND GUIDELINES

SOCIAL NETWORKING AND MICROBLOGGING: DANGERS AND GUIDELINES

WEB CONFERENCING: DANGERS AND GUIDELINES

SUMMARY: WHEN FACE-TO-FACE IS NOT POSSIBLE

Chapter 15: Moving Forward: From Passive Reader to Active Communicator

NEXT STEPS

PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE

VISIT OUR WEBSITE

COURSES AND WEB WORKSHOPS

Appendix 1: Interpreting Your Responses to the “About You” Questionnaire

Appendix 2: Principles and Strategies Used in the Case Chapters

Appendix 3: References

About the Authors

CYNTHIA CLAY

RAY OLITT

Index

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Praise for Peer Power

“This book should be required reading for all team members, whether it is a project team or a small organizational team. The framework and vocabulary in this book are invaluable for day-to-day team experiences, especially when dealing with ‘unique’ behaviors.

“If you are the leader, get it for the whole team. If you’re a team member get it for yourself.”

–Ben Snyder, CEO, Systemation

“Who hasn’t had a communication problem with a peer? The authors have outlined five clear and sensible strategies for a lifetime of continued peer interaction. Not that it won’t happen again, but this will help when it does! Cynthia and Ray are brave for sharing their own stories of poor communications. It certainly helps readers feel as if they are not alone in their communication missteps. Their experiences will stay with you!

“Bravo to the authors!”

–Beverly Kaye, Founder and CEO, Career Systems International Coauthor of Love ’Em or Lose ’Em: Getting Good People to Stay

“Whether you’ve been working fifty days or fifty years, you need this book! Its pages are chock-full of valuable insights into others—and more importantly, into yourself. Cynthia and Ray’s amazing tools will help you discard any old habits that have perpetuated difficult relationships. You will easily recognize the ‘people’ described, and be able to empower yourself in repositioning your own relationships.

“I recommend making this book a personal assignment. You’ll see the results the very next day.”

–Maryann Nelson, C-Suite Business Consultant and Executive Coach

“We all work with difficult individuals—be they colleagues, bosses, subordinates, vendors or customers. Peer Power tells relevant stories, gives concrete examples of solutions and provides real tools to repair relationships with these individuals. Practicing these tools improves effectiveness, reduces stress levels, helps build our company and makes this a better place to work!”

–Karen Howlett, Owner/President, McSweeney Steel Company

“Strangely enough, despite our shared humanity, interacting with other people remains the most challenging aspect of work. We all need a ‘How-To’ book on building and repairing relationships. Peer Power is just that book. Cynthia and Ray combine social science with experience and common sense to give us a practical guide to creating happier (and more productive) times in the workplace.

“Regardless of your role—executive, manager, or coworker—read this book. To quote Chapter Two: ‘Take Responsibility.’ Your organization will thank you!”

–Ron Gajewski, President, Beyond ROI, Inc., The Measurement Experts

“Cynthia Clay and Ray Olitt propose principles and strategies that can significantly increase your productivity and satisfaction in working relationships, especially tough ones. They describe several familiar and troublesome ‘mistakes’ workmates often make, then help us avoid them by applying four essential principles and five key strategies. As a long-term executive coach and organization development consultant, I find their counsel invaluable in helping any person earn the trust and respect of their colleagues. Peers can create their own ‘power’—by establishing perceptions that they are credible (demonstrating competence, propriety, and positive intent) and that there is high potential for mutual benefit in their working relationships (affirming for each colleague that his/her and their objectives will be met).

“Peer Power is a valuable addition to each working library!”

–Ron Scott, Principal, Scott Associates

“Peer Power gives more than just insight into complex relationships at work–it offers real solutions to improve those relationships. Reading Peer Power, I felt as if Cynthia and Ray were at my side, teaching me about the various problems coworkers present, and showing me how to address those problems using relevant examples and scenarios. The practices proposed really work to enhance productivity and collegiality.”

–Shelly Crocker, Managing Member of Crocker Law Group, PLLC and Resolve Legal, PLLC

“This book gives you practical insights into how you react to people today and what you can adjust in order to get the results you need. As you explore more deeply into what is happening with others, this book will shed light on what is blocking you from getting the results you want. No matter where you are on the scale as a communicator, you will gain new perspective when you read this book and apply what you learn.”

–Anne Warfield, CSP & Outcome Strategist, Impression Management Professionals

“Peer Power teaches readers how to reduce workplace tension and have productive business relationships through the principles of open and honest communication. Whether you’re a CEO or a line worker, this book is a must read. It’s as practical as it is inspiring.”

–Mark Levy, Author of Accidental Genius: Using Writing to Generate Your Best Ideas, Insight, and Content

About This Book

Why is this topic important?

The most challenging aspect of any job is working with other people. Difficult coworkers and bosses can harm morale and stymie productivity. Dysfunctional behavior gets expressed in different ways: the manipulators deceive people to get what they want; the whiners complain about people who bug them; the attackers verbally assault those who won't budge; the bullies intimidate in order to get their way.

As difficult as these relationship problems have been in the past, they are intensified by the demands of the new workplace. The need to collaborate with others to get work done has never been greater.

What can you achieve with this book?

By using the principles of open, honest communication presented in this book, your workplace relationships can be transformed. You'll build your foundation of interpersonal success using principles of being real, taking responsibility, extending respect, and building relationships. You'll learn to apply five strategies at the moment of a need. You'll discover how to build your peer power, win support from others, and manage difficult behavior when conflict arises.

How is this book organized?

The book is organized so you can navigate to get what you need. To support your skill development, the book begins with three questionnaires: “About You,” “About Them,” and a Personal Self-Assessment. In the first chapter we look at interpersonal behaviors that most of us have tried but don't work. In Chapter 2 we introduce the four key principles that can shape your general approach to more effective interaction, and in Chapter 3 we dive into the five strategies that you will use if interpersonal problems become serious.

In each of the nine chapters that follow (Chapters 4–12), we tackle a challenging character who may bedevil you at work. We start each of these chapters with a case study so you can vicariously experience the impact of various frustrating coworkers. If you'd like to work with a road map, turn to the cheat sheet at the end of each chapter. We also suggest what to do if your initial strategy doesn't work (Plan B).

The final chapters focus on how to handle unexpected obstacles and how to manage technology in the communication process.

About NetSpeed Learning Solutions

NetSpeed Learning Solutions supports organizations in developing better leaders and more engaged employees by providing training content, learning systems, and consulting expertise. Headquartered in Seattle, Washington, the company serves clients across the United States, Canada, Europe, and Asia.

Founded in 2000 as a leadership development company, NetSpeed Learning Solutions licenses programs to develop the skills of first- and second-level managers, customer service providers, and contributing professionals. Instructor-led training programs blended with online reinforcement and measurement tools ensure learning transfer.

With the shift to virtual learning, NetSpeed Learning Solutions' popular courses have helped hundreds of trainers develop the skills they need to transfer successfully from the face-to-face classroom to the web training environment. To learn more about the Virtual Facilitator Trainer Certification course, visit www.netspeedlearning.com/interactive/.

Copyright © 2012 by Cynthia Clay and Ray Olitt. All Rights Reserved.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication DataClay, Cynthia, 1955– Peer power : transforming workplace relationships / Cynthia Clay & Ray Olitt. pages cm Includes index. ISBN 978-1-118-20545-7 (pbk.); 978-1-118-22728-2 (ebk.); 978-1-118-22850-0 (ebk.); 978-1-118-23046-6 (ebk.) 1. Conflict management. 2. Interpersonal relations. 3. Work environment–-Social aspects. I. Olitt, Ray, 1943– II. Title. HD42.C545 2012 658.3′145–dc23 2011048659

For my husband, Leo, and my children, Brandon, Grayce, and Jessica: You continually remind me of how blessed I am. I love you bunches. –Cynthia

For my wife, Harriet: You are the best peer a person could ever have. I am so fortunate you are mine. –Ray

Acknowledgments

THE JOURNEY OF COAUTHORING A BOOK can be a long one and we would not have made it this far without the dedicated support of some important collaborators.

Thank you to Elaine Smith, operations manager at NetSpeed Learning Solutions, who not only formatted the first edition of the book, but also edited and proofed its contents, and mediated our disagreements about punctuation and grammar. “Switzerland!” we called out whenever we needed her.

A big hug to Bev Kaye, a mentor and friend, who generously reviewed our drafts, graciously offered feedback, warmly encouraged our efforts, and kindly introduced us to her network of authors.

Appreciation to Sara Glerum, who edited our early attempts at writing this book and gave us pointed feedback that kept us on track.

Special thanks to Paul Petrucci, who added his insights and suggestions in the final months of writing and editing. He helped us bridge our writing styles and find our combined voice.

Thanks to Harriet Olitt, who reviewed early chapter drafts and offered feedback to clarify our original ideas.

Last, but not least, we thank Leo Brodie, who shepherded the first edition of the book to completion, developed the style guide, provided feedback on the final draft, and helped us navigate the mysteries of electronic publishing.

We appreciate you all so much!

Introduction

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

THE MOST CHALLENGING ASPECT of any job is working with other people. Difficult coworkers and bosses can test anyone's ability to get along and get things done.

In a survey about workplace conflict conducted by NetSpeed Learning Solutions, six hundred respondents felt that interpersonal difficulties had seriously damaged their productivity and job satisfaction. Sixty-two percent of the respondents said they left a job in part because of a difficult person. Thirty percent reported a challenging coworker was currently frustrating them. When asked to write about the frustrating coworker, some of the responses included:

I dread going to work to be barraged by this individual's negativity.

I often need to “run interference” because other employees also find this individual difficult to work with.

For many of the respondents, the person causing them the most trouble was their boss:

This person is a childish, overbearing micromanager, leaving me powerless to perform my job and therefore feeling demeaned and demoralized.

I frequently have to circumvent this manager to get projects from their department completed.

How do these difficult coworkers and bosses make things hard for the people around them? Their dysfunctional behavior gets expressed in different ways: the manipulators deceive people to get what they want; the whiners complain about people who bug them; the attackers verbally assault those who won't budge; the bullies intimidate in order to get their way.

As difficult as these relationship problems have been in the past, they are intensified by the demands of the new workplace. Today the need to collaborate with others to get work done has never been greater. But there are business trends that make dealing with others infinitely more challenging. Employees are burdened with increased responsibility but limited authority. They need to deal with people across the country or across the world, in different time zones, with different cultural expectations, yet they don't see people's facial expressions or body language. In work settings like these, a simple e-mail might be misconstrued and create conflict.

With such escalating challenges, is there a way to change the outcome? Yes—by using the principles of open, honest communication, your workplace relationships can be transformed. Let us tell you the story of how we came up with the principles, practices, and strategies you're about to learn.

OUR COLLABORATIVE INSIGHT

Five years ago, Ray and Cynthia met for a networking lunch in a noisy Italian restaurant (picture a cup of crayons and a basket of crusty bread sitting on top of a butcher paper tablecloth). Ray, an organization development consultant, described the workshop he had been leading to help people with little authority get better results at work. Cynthia, the owner of a successful training and consulting company, shared the approaches her organization used to train people in leadership and influence skills. As we compared notes, we realized that we were dealing with similar themes, dissatisfactions, and challenges.

In our classes, we frequently coached disillusioned and frustrated employees who were unable to collaborate with colleagues they neither understood nor appreciated. We wanted to help them but we were stymied by the lack of a comprehensive resource that nailed the critical techniques needed to resolve work challenges.

Sure, there were plenty of communication books out there. One offered a model for having a tough conversation; another described how to kick butt when you work with a toxic person. Some of these books were pretty good but others were full of nice-sounding theories that collapsed when applied in the real world. We found ourselves recommending this chapter from one book and that model from another source, mixed in with our own experiences and opinions.

Like many trainers, we were always on the lookout for the most practical actions and strategies our learners needed. As we talked we realized that we might be just the right people to synthesize some of the critical communication practices we had absorbed, originated, tried out, kept, or discarded over the years. As we grew more excited, we scribbled all over that paper tablecloth. After one hour we had covered it with diagrams, strategies, ideas, and potential content, in a rainbow of colors. Our project was launched.

During our collaboration, we came to appreciate that we were not just two people who were trainers and coaches, but we were also seasoned managers who had experienced dysfunctions in the workplace firsthand. Ray has managed employees in industries as diverse as banking, aerospace, and insurance. Cynthia spent many years managing individuals and teams in banking and health care, and now serves as the president and CEO of NetSpeed Learning Solutions.

Like you, we've worked with coworkers who slack off and don't produce. We've endured people who steal credit. We've worked with colleagues who, frankly, just seemed clueless. We've been steamrolled by managers who have to get their own way. We've coped with misguided leaders who were blinded by their prejudices. We've experienced having to go home at night exhausted, trying to figure out how to get through these challenges. And we've suffered the dread of waking up the next day and going back into work to do it all over again.

It's tempting to blame the slackers, the bullies, the whiners, and others for impeding your ability to get the job done. But blaming and attacking others won't produce the results you want. You can't force your peers (or your boss) to change. In fact, there is only one thing you can change about these situations: your own behavior.

In writing this book, we started with the premise that everyone is worthy of respect, and that behind every bad behavior there is some internal need that is not being met. In ways that may be hard to see, your own behavior may be influencing the situation. In fact, changing your behavior is the only way you can influence the outcome.

Based on these assumptions, we wrote the book to share practical steps that will end your sleepless nights and stop the recurrent conversations about how to change others. As the book evolved, we've watched people in our workshops use these ideas in their own lives to transform impossible situations into incredible successes. Our hope is that the book will start you on the path of conscious, well-planned interactions that can make an amazing difference in your daily life at work.

It took us five years to analyze our successes and failures, capture our thinking, review the literature, interview experts, survey clients and colleagues, and try out our recommended techniques. Along the way we discarded the silly stuff that sounds cool but just plain doesn't work. We eliminated the fluff, the hype, and the clever hook to zoom in on the core principles, practices, and strategies that will make you successful. We've done this painstaking analysis because we knew that what we wrote had to be immediately applicable (or we wouldn't sell books or get hired to teach your next workshop).

We are grateful for the wisdom of many writers who've come before us: Geoff Bellman (author of Getting Things Done When You're Not in Charge), Al Switzler (coauthor of Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High), Roger Fisher and William Ury (coauthors of Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In), and Mel Silberman (coauthor of People Smart: Developing Your Interpersonal Intelligence). Their ideas have influenced our practices over the years. We've included their books as well as resources by other authors in a list of references in Appendix 3.

HOW TO USE THIS BOOK

We've called this book Peer Power because we believe that you can develop your ability to bring powerful communication practices to relationships with your workplace peers.

You'll build your foundation of interpersonal success using principles of being real, being responsible, extending respect, and building relationships. And you'll learn to apply five strategies (Collaborating, Going Head-to-Head, Compromising, Coaching, and Caring-for-Self) at the moment of need (a deteriorating relationship with a coworker or boss). You'll discover how to win support from others and manage difficult behavior when conflict arises.

Whether you hold the role of boss or employee, you'll find that these techniques will help you feel in control of yourself and your job. The result? Reduced stress, increased productivity, greater collaboration, fewer mistakes, less rework, more effective workplace conversations, and a heightened sense of self-efficacy and self-mastery. Through peer power, we're confident you can transform workplace relationships.

Our book is organized so you can navigate to get what you need. In Chapter we look at interpersonal behaviors that most of us have tried but don't work. In Chapter we introduce the four key principles that will be your foundation for effective communication, and in Chapter we dive into the five strategies that you will use if interpersonal problems become serious. We recommend that you read Chapters 1 through 3 before exploring the case studies you'll find later in the book. The case studies will have greater impact if you've learned the key principles and strategies beforehand.

In the nine chapters that follow, we tackle a challenging character who may bedevil you at work. To maintain reader interest, we alternate behaviors that are aggressive with those that are passive. The title of each case chapter indicates that any challenging character can begin to function more constructively, depending on how you use your peer power. You'll read about:

The attacker (the colleague who repeatedly expresses his anger and frustration in the form of inappropriate personal criticism)The whiner (that coworker who complains without taking responsibility for improving conditions that surround her)The scene stealer (the peer who sets about building her reputation at your expense)The drive-by boss (a leader who ignores some of his key management responsibilities and doesn't meet the needs of his employees or the organization)The manipulator (the coworker who attempts to influence your attitude or behavior through deception or secrecy)The clueless colleague (a coworker who is insensitive to her negative impact on the work environment)The faux-smart boss (the boss who has unrealistic confidence in his own ideas and skills, often accompanied by a lack of confidence in his employees)The slacker (the coworker whose poor performance damages your performance)The bully (a colleague who uses unreasonable demands and inappropriate threats to get her way)

Of course, we are using each of these labels as shorthand. People are much more complex than the labels we ascribe. Each of us exhibits a range of behaviors that could potentially place us into one or more of these negative categories. Throughout the book you'll find reminders that we have all exhibited negative tendencies. We also strongly feel that even the most challenging people have many admirable traits and skills.

If there is someone at work you're having a hard time with, complete the questionnaire, “About Them,” you'll find at the end of this chapter. (It will help you identity which category he falls into.)

We start Chapters 4 through 12 with case studies so you can vicariously experience the impact of various frustrating coworkers. These characters have all played parts in our own workplace dramas. At times we recommend practices that we may not have had the skills to apply when we originally encountered that challenging person. Of course, we've changed the names and modified the details, but they all represent very real challenging types that you will recognize instantly.

You may notice that the list you just read does not include behaviors that may bother you but rarely harm you. We don't include coworkers who refuse to socialize, have major mood swings, brag a lot, or are very anxious, for example. While these are often frustrating behaviors, we can learn to live with them. Instead, we focused on giving you tools to deal with behaviors that can have a detrimental impact on your performance.

If you'd like to work with a road map, turn to the cheat sheet at the end of each of these chapters. Each case chapter includes clues to look for, assumptions to remember, and principles and practices to use. If you want to read actual dialogue, we've added scripted responses to various tough cases. We also suggest what to do if your initial strategy does not work (Plan B). Our goal is to make it easy for you to use this book to develop practical strategies to get results.

As to the writing convention that we follow, we decided to forgo the tortuous “he/she,” “she/he,” or “s/he” when referring to an individual in our case chapters. Instead, where the example features a woman, we've referred to the difficult character throughout that chapter as “she.” Where the example features a man, we've opted to use “he” throughout. Obviously all the techniques we introduce may be used with both men and women.

NOTE TO ORGANIZATIONAL LEADERS

We believe that organizations desperately need employees at all levels who use solid communication practices. Based on many years of organization development experience, we know that many organizations are rife with interpersonal friction, turf wars, and destructive conflict. As a result, productivity, customer service, and morale suffer. We've written this book for project managers, sales and customer service staff, production personnel, administrative and human resources staff—anyone who must work with and through others to get the job done.

Communication challenges are exacerbated in a time of globalization (workers are often separated by distance and time), mergers and joint ventures (people in different cultures are required to adapt quickly), economic instability (employees face the threat of layoffs and resource constraints), and generational differences (employees now span four generations).

Interpersonal dynamics in the workplace will undergo a sea change in the next decade as a wave of new, less experienced workers flows in, replacing the ebbing supply of skilled, experienced Baby Boomers. Though well versed in the uses of technology (social networking, text messaging, blogging, and so on), these inexperienced Gen Y workers are unprepared to deal with the complexity of organizational politics. When they encounter challenging people or situations, they lack the models and communication skills to get the results they want, even as demands for increasing productivity are escalating. Since the highest work priority for Generation Y is a good relationship with bosses and coworkers,1 a solid foundation of interpersonal skills is crucial.

Every generation needs to master the communication practices that lead to satisfying and effective work relationships. According to the Conference Board Research Group, Americans’ job satisfaction fell to a record low at the end of 2009, with ratings for job interest and satisfaction with coworkers declining as well.2 It's more important than ever to supply your workers with training to help maintain an engaging work environment that leads to higher productivity.

We encourage you to adopt and share the practices in this book with others inside your organization. Deliver workshops; hand out copies of the book as reference tools; listen to our podcasts; engage employees by using our web-based questionnaires. We want to partner with you to meet these challenges. Together we can transform the workplace.

YOUR TESTIMONIALS

We invite you to share your experiences as you begin to implement these practices. As you try out the techniques we recommend, you may find that you get results that thrill you. If so, please share them with us by sending an e-mail to [email protected]. On the other hand, you may find that nothing we suggest gets you where you want to go. Tell us that, too.

With your permission, we may post your examples at our website: www.netspeedlearning.com/peerpower. We will also give you the opportunity to read challenging case studies and recommend approaches for dealing with these difficult people. If you need help figuring out what's driving you crazy, you'll find the same questionnaires (“About You” and “About Them”) that appear at the end of this chapter on the website as well.

LET'S GO

If you're ready to get started, turn to the next page and answer a few questions about your skills and behaviors first (Questionnaire: “About You”). You'll find our commentary about your answers in Appendix 1. Then take a look at the behaviors of your frustrating colleague (Questionnaire: “About Them”).

QUESTIONNAIRE: “ABOUT YOU”

This questionnaire asks you to think about your interpersonal strengths, weaknesses, and beliefs. Answer honestly—no one will see this but you—and then turn to Appendix 1 and see how your answers compare to ours. As you answer the questions openly and review our responses, you'll begin to understand the communication philosophy that underpins all of our case studies. If you would like to complete this questionnaire online, you can find a copy of it at our website: www.netspeedlearning.com/peerpower.

QUESTIONNAIRE: “ABOUT THEM”

The “About Them” questionnaire helps you identify which challenging behaviors you are dealing with in your work environment. Before you begin, it might be helpful to list the key people with whom you interact and then rate the quality of your relationship. For each of those with a low rating, complete the questionnaire.

Simply circle “yes” or “no” for each question. Answer honestly—no one will see this but you. If you would like to complete this questionnaire for multiple people, you can find a copy of it at our website: www.netspeedlearning.com/peerpower.

Does your boss or coworker . . .

Here is the key that matches a label for a challenging character to the statements in the questionnaire.

Statement #sLabelChapter  1–4Attacker  4  5–8Whiner  5  9–12Scene Stealer  613–16Drive-by Boss  717–20Manipulator  821–24Clueless Colleague  925–28Faux-Smart Boss1029–32Slacker1133–36Bully12

Decide which label best describes your challenging person. If you answered “yes” to two or more statements within a set, chances are that you are dealing with a behavior that we discuss in one of the case studies in the book. However, even one item might indicate that is your person's pattern, depending upon how serious and pervasive the item is. Before you turn to that chapter, we invite you to read Chapters 1 through 3 to learn more about our mistakes (what not to do), as well as what principles, practices, and strategies we suggest you adopt (what to do).

1 Robert Half International, “What Millennial Workers Want: How to Attract and Retain Gen Y Employees,” 2007.

2 Jeannine Aversa, “Americans’ job satisfaction falls to record low,” Seattle Times, January 5, 2010 (http://tinyurl.com/29mq2ag).

CHAPTER 1

Mistakes We Have Made (And You Can Avoid): Manipulating, Whining, Attacking, and Bullying

IN WRITING THIS BOOK, we talked through our failures, embarrassing moments, and just downright humiliating attempts to get others to change their behavior or do what we wanted. It was humbling to revisit the dumb mistakes we made with challenging peers. We attempted to get their support or manage their difficult behaviors by manipulating, whining, attacking, and bullying. We still aren't perfect, but we have learned from these common mistakes and we can speak from painful experience: these behaviors may work in the short run but they rarely work in the long run.

We're going to take them one by one and tell you exactly why they don't work. In Chapter 2 we'll introduce some principles that will get better, consistently positive results. Through mastering these principles, you will begin your journey to developing your peer power.

MANIPULATING

Cynthia has a confession to make. In the past she has resorted to subtle manipulation to try to get her own way. Once she was responsible for recruiting volunteers to work on the board of a nonprofit organization. Her approach to volunteers sometimes involved telling them that her highly intuitive nature gave her a strong feeling that they were “perfect” for the role.

In truth, Cynthia was more worried about filling a vacancy on the board than whether a volunteer was well suited for the job. Often her target would feel special and pleased to be seen as someone who was just right for a spot on the board. Cynthia didn't like the way she felt after these encounters and in time she realized that this form of manipulation preyed on people with lower self-esteem. The result was often mistrust, blame, and board members who quit.

We define “manipulating” as attempting to influence someone's attitude or behavior through deception or secrecy. If you tell someone you don't have adequate resources even though you do so he won't ask for your help, you're manipulating the situation. If you pretend you don't want something from somebody when you do him a favor (but you're really expecting that now he'll “owe you one”), you are manipulating him. If you intentionally make ambiguous statements in an e-mail hoping to buy additional time, you are manipulating the situation. If you pretend to agree with someone to get her to like you, then you are engaging in manipulation. If you withhold critical information that might influence a decision, you are manipulating the outcome. If you flatter someone so she will support you or give you what you want, you are manipulating.

We define “manipulating” as attempting to influence someone's attitude or behavior through deception or secrecy.

Whether your manipulation becomes blatantly obvious or people simply feel uneasy around you, manipulating is usually discovered. Manipulators often find that it is very hard to keep track of all of the little deceptions they engage in. Ultimately, manipulators damage trust, which can be difficult, if not impossible, to regain. In the long run, manipulators find that they are no longer able to influence others because people begin to go out of their way to avoid being manipulated.

WHINING

When Ray worked at an aerospace company, he was unhappy with his colleague Bill. He frequently noticed Bill using a computer for personal business, even though Bill insisted he did not have time to share the workload when Ray was stretched thin. Each time Ray saw Bill slacking off, he became more frustrated and whined to Bill and another peer, Mary. Ray attempted to make Bill feel guilty—after all, look how overworked Ray was! And look how unfairly Bill was treating him! In private conversations with Mary, Ray whined about how unfair Bill was being. (Ray winces even now remembering this situation.)

As you can imagine, neither Bill nor Mary appreciated Ray's approach. It only made the situation worse. Bill began to defend himself by complaining about Ray to other coworkers. Mary pointed out to Ray how he had sometimes been unreliable and finally told Ray to knock it off. Ray realized that he needed to find more constructive ways of working with people who disap-pointed him.

Whining is complaining without seeking to improve the situation. We might whine directly to the coworker who is frustrating us (with an “Oh, poor me” tone of voice): “Shannon, I can't get my work done. This job is just impossible. You're making it so hard for me. I can't even sleep at night.” Or we might gossip and whine about Shannon to someone else: “Shannon is driving me nuts. She never gives me what I need.”

Whining is complaining without seeking to improve the situation.

Whether you whine to your coworker directly, whine to others behind her back, or send whiny e-mails to your peers, you are assuming the role of the victim in a workplace drama. Playing the victim can result in satisfying, self-righteous feelings. But people find whiners to be annoying and rarely respect them. Whiners lose credibility because their complaints often seem exaggerated. When your coworkers listen to you whine about your peers, they probably wonder what you're saying about them behind their backs. And when they learn that you have been whining about them, they may attack you with anger. They may even forward your negative e-mails to the person you're complaining about. You may have experienced the escalating cycle of whining, attacking, whining, and attacking that can be set into motion. Sad to say, whiny victims bring out aggressive attacks from others.

Does this mean you should never discuss your frustrations about someone at work with your friends? Of course not! Talking a problem through with someone you trust can be helpful. Listening to advice can help you prepare to handle a situation. But if you find that you are constantly complaining about the same person or situation to many different people, you've fallen into the trap of whining. If you vent your frustrations about someone without seeking a resolution, you're whining. Instead of tackling an issue head-on, you're reinforcing your negative view of a person or situation, intensifying your own anger, damaging someone's reputation, losing your own credibility, and probably annoying everyone around you.

Avoiding whining does not mean you remain silent about workplace problems. Organizations need employees who speak up. Share your concerns with the appropriate people. As long as you do your homework, avoid blaming and embarrassing, and focus on solutions, you are not whining.

ATTACKING

Cynthia has been known to attack when under stress. (Please note that she has always felt bad when she has resorted to this coping technique.) On one occasion, she prepared to lead an important meeting despite feeling under the weather. She wrote the agenda, created materials for the people who would be attending, and organized binders that were carefully placed on the table for the meeting attendees.

Cynthia was expecting to hear appreciative comments for her efforts. Instead, as the meeting began, one of the participants stated that she didn't think the agenda was on target, didn't agree with the decisions made at the last meeting, and wanted to take this meeting in a different direction. Cynthia lost her composure (imagine a volcano erupting), began to rant about what it had taken her to get ready for the meeting, and verbally attacked the woman who dared to oppose her. After quashing all dissenting opinions, Cynthia led a very quiet meeting to a rapid conclusion.

Attacking is the repeated expression of anger and frustration in the form of inappropriate personal criticism.

Attacking is the repeated expression of anger and frustration in the form of inappropriate personal criticism. It often may include name-calling and blaming statements. It rarely gets people to cooperate. Most victims of an attack give in, comply, and bow down to end the aggressive attack.

If you attack as your method of gaining compliance, you may have experienced verbal abuse or flaming e-mail attacks yourself and believe that it toughens people up. You may think that creating fear will motivate them to change. You're right; fear is a motivator. People will do what you want as long as they believe you can harm their careers, their reputations, or their work lives. If you attack your colleagues, you may feel better momentarily and even see immediate results.

In the end, however, those who attack others fail to gain loyalty, trust, enduring relationships, or commitment from others. Instead, people go around them, quit their jobs to escape the attacks, and may eventually respond by attacking the attacker.

BULLYING

Ray worked with Brit at a data processing company. The two of them were assigned to create a class jointly. Ray worked very hard to prepare his portions of the class. Usually when he met with Brit to review their progress, she indicated she had not been able to complete her segments.

After a while Ray began to bully Brit to deliver on her promises. When these demands were ignored, Ray told Brit that he would just prepare the class by himself, but would let others know of her lack of cooperation. As a result of that threat, Brit contributed a bare minimum of work. In the end, Ray was forced to share credit with Brit for a successful class, which he resented, just as Brit resented Ray's attempts to bully her. Tension between the two of them continued for several months. In looking back, Ray realized that Brit lost all desire to collaborate with him because of his bullying.

Bullying occurs when someone makes unreasonable demands or uses inappropriate threats that exceed natural and appropriate consequences.

Bullying occurs when someone makes unreasonable demands or uses inappropriate threats that exceed natural and appropriate consequences. The bully stamps his feet, raises his voice, and insists that others do what he wants. If they don’t, the bully will make sure there are negative consequences. You've probably run across a bully before, whether on the school playground, in your neighborhood, or in the next cubicle at work.

Be honest now: have you ever prematurely told someone you'll go over her head if she doesn't do what you want? You've engaged in bullying. Have you ever copied someone's boss on every little issue or problem? That's a form of virtual bullying. Have you ever pushed hard to get someone to do something with a tone that implies she has little choice? That's bullying. Have you ever threatened to drag your heels on a decision or undermine someone else's initiative? That's actually a form of bullying as well.

The problem with bullying is that it often produces long-lasting resentment and retaliation. Bullies have few allies at work (except those people who align themselves with the bully as a way to protect themselves or gain power from the association).

WHERE WE'RE HEADED

It was embarrassing to write this chapter because we like to think we were born with superior peer power. You may have winced, chuckled, or cried at our examples. Perhaps you saw yourself or others reflected in the stories. We encourage you to complete the self-assessment at the end of this chapter to see whether you may have unintentionally adopted these four powerless behaviors.

If you are using some of these ineffective practices, you'll find practical suggestions for modifying your behavior in the next chapter and throughout this book. If you need to deal with these behaviors when used by others, explore our case studies. We've developed practical strategies for handling manipulating, whining, attacking, and bullying (in Chapters 8, 5, 4, and 12 respectively), as well as many other unproductive behaviors.

PERSONAL SELF-ASSESSMENT

We've bared our souls and shared some of the disastrous mistakes we've made in the past. We invite you to follow our example and approach this simple self-assessment with honesty.

We've listed several behaviors that people often use to get what they want. Place a ✓ in the column that indicates how frequently you use that behavior. When you've completed the assessment, we'll provide a simple scoring key that will point you toward the four key principles that support better behavioral choices in the workplace.

PERSONAL SELF-ASSESSMENT SCORING KEY

For each statement in the scoring key below, find the score that corresponds to your response and write that score in the empty box on that line. For most of the statements, the higher scores indicate behavior we don't encourage. However, for each category there is one statement (grayed area) for which the point scale is reversed. (These grayed areas contain behaviors we do encourage.)

Total your points for each behavior. The higher your score, the more likely you are using this inappropriate coping strategy. Your score for each behavior will fall somewhere between 0 and 12.

No matter what your scores in these areas, there are probably techniques in your repertoire of behaviors that don't really serve you. None of us is perfect! We invite you to explore more constructive principles and practices in Chapter 2 that will improve your relationships by quantum leaps in the weeks ahead. You're on the way to becoming a powerful peer.

CHAPTER 2

What We Have Learned: Four Key Principles

WE HOPE YOU FELT A LITTLE BETTER READING about some of our embarrassingly human moments. We have given up these ineffective coping tactics, practiced healthier techniques, and have developed four key principles that are diametrically opposed to manipulating, whining, attacking, and bullying. In every situation you encounter at work, these principles will give you the springboard for an effective, satisfying interaction. For each of these principles, we also describe some related practices that work best with workplace colleagues.

Of course, we can't give you a cookie-cutter approach to working with your coworkers, customers, or bosses. Instead, we will introduce you to critical principles and practices in this chapter. Any time you work with vexing people, these general principles and practices will help increase your peer power and transform your relationships. As you begin to read the situations and case studies in Chapters 4–12, you will see how we apply the relevant approaches for specific workplace challenges you may face.

FOUR KEY PRINCIPLES

Let's leave behind manipulating, whining, attacking, and bullying and replace them with these four key principles:

Be Real: Be open and authentic rather than manipulative.

Take Responsibility: