Practicing Affirmation (Foreword by John Piper) E-Book

Sam Crabtree

• Herausgeber: Crossway
• Kategorie: Religion und Spiritualität
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 237

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2011

Beschreibung

It happens in marriages, parent-child relationships, friendships, workplaces, and churches: Communication falters, friendships wane, teenagers withdraw, marriages fail, and bitter rifts sever once-strong ties. Christian communities are no exception. Why do so many of our relationships suffer from alienation, indifference, and even hostility?   Author Sam Crabtree believes that  often  at the heart of these breakdowns is a lack of affirmation. He observes in Scripture that God grants mercy to those who refresh others, and in life that people tend to be influenced by those who praise them. Crabtree shows how a robust "God-centered affirmation ratio" refreshes others and honors God.    Practicing Affirmation sounds a call to recognize and affirm the character of Christ in others. When done well, affirmation does not fuel pride in the person , but refreshes them and honors God . All who are discouraged in relationships will find wisdom and practical insight in this book. 

Leseprobe

Practicing              Affirmation

God-Centered Praise of Those Who Are Not God

SAM CRABTREE

Foreword by John Piper

Practicing Affirmation: God-Centered Praise of Those Who Are Not God

Copyright © 2011 by Sam Crabtree

Published by Crossway

1300 Crescent Street

Wheaton, Illinois 60187

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publisher, except as provided for by USA copyright law.

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First printing 2011

Printed in the United States of America

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked NASB are from TheNew American Standard Bible®. Copyright © The Lockman Foundation 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977. Used by permission.

Scripture quotations marked NIV are from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 Biblica. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved. The “NIV” and “New International Version” trademarks are registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica. Use of either trademark requires the permission of Biblica.

All emphases in Scripture quotations have been added.

Trade Paperback ISBN:  978-1-4335-2243-7

PDF ISBN:                       978-1-4335-2244-4

Mobipocket ISBN:          978-1-4335-2245-1

ePub ISBN:                      978-1-4335-2246-8

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Crabtree, Sam, 1950–

 Practicing affirmation : God-centered praise of those who are not God / Sam Crabtree.

       p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references (p. ) and index.

ISBN 978-1-4335-2243-7 (tp)

1. Praise—Religious aspects—Christianity. 2. Interpersonal relations—Religious aspects—Christianity. I. Title.

BV4597.53.P73C73 2011

248.4—dc22

2010044483

Crossway is a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.

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Contents

Foreword by John Piper1. God-Centered Affirmation of Those Who Are Not God2. Key to Refreshing Relationships: The Simplicity3. Toward Greater Refreshment: The Complexity4. Important Assumptions5. Mistakes I Have Made6. Questions and Answers7. Sightings of Jesus8. Mixing Correction with Affirmation9. 100 Affirmation Ideas for Those Who Feel StuckAppendix 1: Decision GridAppendix 2: Tone of VoiceAcknowledgmentsNotesScripture Index

With thanks to God for those who affirm so well.

Foreword

The point of being created in the image of God is that human beings are destined to display God. That’s what images do. And the point of being redeemed by Jesus, and renewed after the image of our Creator, is to recover this destiny.

But why? Surely not so that God’s handiwork in his people would go unnoticed or unpraised. If God is sovereign, and every good gift is from above, then not praising the good in others is a kind of sacrilege and soul-sickness.

When our mouths are empty of praise for others, it is probably because our hearts are full of love for self. This is what I mean by soul-sickness. C. S. Lewis was surely right when he wrote,

The world rings with praise—lovers praising their mistresses, readers their favorite poet, walkers praising the countryside, players praising their favorite game—praise of weather, wines, dishes, actors, motors, horses, colleges, countries, historical personages, children, flowers, mountains, rare stamps, rare beetles, even sometimes politicians or scholars. I had not noticed how the humblest, and at the same time most balanced and capacious, minds praised most, while the cranks, misfits and malcontents praised least.1

Sam’s book is a healing balm for cranks, misfits, and malcontents who are so full of self they scarcely see, let alone celebrate, the simple beauties of imperfect virtue in others. Or to say it differently: I need this book.

The absence of affirmation for God’s handiwork in his people is also a kind of sacrilege—for at least three reasons.

First, it is disobedience to God’s command: “A woman who fears the LORD is to be praised” (Prov. 31:30). And I can’t think of any reason why this does not apply in principle to God-fearing men.

Second, it demeans Jesus as though he were stooping to do something unworthy when he says, “Well done, good and faithful servant” (Matt. 25:21, 23). If he says it, should we consider it beneath us to say it?

Third, all the works of God are worthy of praise. And there is no good in anyone but by the work of God (1 Cor. 4:7; 15:10).

It gets deeper. Sam says, “The best affirmation is rooted not only in the character of God, but in the gospel.” Which means that every glimmer of good in the life of God’s children is blood-bought. Jesus died to make it possible. What does it say about us if he died to bring it about, and we don’t consider it worth praising? That is, to say it again, I need this book.

Of course there are pitfalls and problems. What’s the difference between good praise and bad flattery? What about the fact that in the Bible God’s people never say “Thank you” to each other, but only to God for each other? What about the danger of encouraging someone’s craving for human praise, which Jesus so clearly condemns? Is it okay to want to be on the receiving end of good affirmation? What about unbelievers who are not “being renewed after the image of their Creator”? When should we praise them? Or should we not? Sam tackles every one of these issues head on. It is not a superficial book.

But it is practical. Incredibly practical—with dozens of illustrations and applications to the workplace and marriage and parenting and friendships and ministry. And, of course, that’s what I would expect from Sam Crabtree. He lives this book. I have worked at Sam’s side on the staff of our church since 1997. Which means I have been on the receiving end of unremitting God-focused affirmation. Not without correction. And so, yes, there is a section in the book on that too.

I thank God for you, Sam. I pray that we can finish well together. You have taught me more than you know. You have written a one-of-a-kind book. I have no doubt that in the last day this book will be one of the many reasons the Lord Jesus will say to you, “Well done.”

John Piper

Pastor for Preaching and Vision

Bethlehem Baptist Church

Twin Cities, Minnesota

1

God-Centered Affirmation of Those Who Are Not God

Affirmation is the purpose of the universe—specifically, affirmation of God.

Commending the praise of men could meet with justifiable criticism. Landmines are everywhere. Take, for instance, this warning: “The love of our own glory is the greatest competitor with God in our hearts. And sometimes we can cloak this idol in a pious disguise.”1 If this is true, and I think it is, then how can I possibly advocate the praise of people? Am I not fueling idolatrous pride?

The Bible Commends God and People

Even with the Bible’s emphasis on humble self-denial and its warnings against pride, the Bible praises people—to the glory of God, ultimately. The chief end of God is not to glorify man, as humanistic thought would have it; the chief end of man is to glorify God by enjoying him forever. Meanwhile, the praising of people does not necessarily preclude the praising of God, if the people are commended ultimately for his glory. God is glorified in us when we affirm the work he has done and is doing in others.

For example, the Bible commends the majesty of Solomon: “And the LORD made Solomon very great in the sight of all Israel and bestowed on him such royal majesty as had not been on any king before him in Israel” (1 Chron. 29:25). Note that it is the Lord who made Solomon so great and majestic. Solomon’s greatness and majesty are to be recognized and commended, but at the root lay the greatness and majesty of the God who made Solomon so.

The Bible also commends Jabez as being more honorable than his brothers: “Jabez was more honorable than his brothers; and his mother called his name Jabez, saying, ‘Because I bore him in pain.’ Jabez called upon the God of Israel, saying, ‘Oh that you would bless me and enlarge my border, and that your hand might be with me, and that you would keep me from harm so that it might not bring me pain!’ And God granted what he asked” (1 Chron. 4:9–10). Note that Jabez’s honorableness is a result of the grace of the God who grants his requests and enlarges his borders. Jabez, clearly the lesser of the two, makes requests of God, the one who has the power Jabez lacks to fulfill such requests. Jabez’s honorableness should be recognized and commended, but it stems from the blessing of God in his life, and the one who is the source of the blessing is the one who deserves the honor for Jabez’s honorableness.

The Bible commends the excellent wife of Proverbs 31. It is proper to recognize and commend her excellence. In fact, verse 30 explicitly says, “a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.” Is what? Is to be praised! What I think the Bible is saying there is that a good, proper, healthy, important, and necessary way to praise people is to the glory of God. In the case of the excellent woman, what is one thing that makes her so excellent? She fears the Lord. God is honored by pointing to the woman’s excellence in fearing him, the One who defines and exemplifies excellence.

Isn’t Praise of Man Idolatrous?

Praise of man and praise of God can be at odds, but not necessarily. And let me join James in raising the stakes: those who know they should do something—like commend commendable people—but don’t do it, are sinning: “So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin” (James 4:17). So we can sin in two ways: by idolatrous commendation, or by failing to commend the commendable. The challenge for us is to not sin in either direction.

When Jesus says, “Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and to God the things that are God’s” (Luke 20:25), he is not forbidding that people pay tribute to Caesar. We must be on guard against either/or thinking, when the giving of praise can be both/and. When it is both/and, that is, when we are honoring a person and we are honoring God, it should not look like this:

Honor humans and honor God

(with humans listed first and on an equal plane with God)

Rather, it should look like this:

Honor God

Honor humans

(with God listed first and listed above humans)

By acknowledging that it is God who put the governor in office and by thanking God for the governor when he governs well, we honor both the governor and God, and we honor God more than the governor because we give God the credit for establishing the governor. Also, there may come a day when in love we owe the governor an objection or criticism; we never owe God an objection.

Honoring humans is not necessarily idolatry. Consider the following.

Daniel is not dishonoring God when he praises Nebuchadnezzar, saying “You, O king, the king of kings, to whom the God of heaven has given the kingdom, the power, and the might, and the glory, and into whose hand he has given, wherever they dwell, the children of man, the beasts of the field, and the birds of the heavens, making you rule over them all . . .” (Dan. 2:37–38). The king is glorious, because he has been made so by the God who is more glorious than he. Daniel honors both the king and God by honoring the king in the way he does.

In a later episode, at the first light of dawn when king Darius hurries to the lion’s den to see if God had rescued Daniel, Daniel is not diminishing God’s honor by saying to king Darius, “Oh king, live forever!” (Dan. 6:21)—a very high blessing to seek on behalf of someone who gave him a death sentence less than twenty-four hours earlier. God is not dishonored, for if King Darius lives forever, it will be God who brings it to pass. God gets the credit for being the one able to do the work.

Gabriel is not stealing praise from God by singling out Mary for a commendation uttered to only one woman in all of human history, by saying, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you” (Luke 1:28). He affirms her by (1) greeting her (a simple practice overlooked in many homes to the detriment of many relationships); (2) describing her as favored—she has earned nothing, can boast in nothing, and has passively received this bestowal, yet it is an honor to be savored, to be sure; and (3) declaring that the Lord is with her, for her, proactive on her behalf. Again, Mary is distinguished from all other women as being “favored,” and yet ultimately God gets the honor, for he is the one doing the favoring, the gracing, the bestowing.

The writer of Hebrews 11 violates nothing of God’s honor by commending the faith of Abel, Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Moses’ parents, Moses, Rahab, Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel, the prophets, and the martyrs. “For by it the people of old received their commendation” (Heb. 11:2). All of these were “commended through their faith . . .” (v. 39). They are commended, yet their commendation steals nothing from the glory of God, because they are commended for faith that is from him and in him.

In addition to the above, there are other instances of people being affirmed in the Bible:

• The Lord affirms Noah as righteous in his generation (Gen. 7:1).

• Pharaoh affirms Joseph as remarkably discerning and wise (Gen. 41:39).

• Boaz commends Ruth as a worthy (virtuous, strong, noble) woman (Ruth 3:11).

• Saul commends David for being more righteous than he (1 Sam. 24:17).

• Achish affirms David as blameless (1 Sam. 29:9).

• The woman recognizes that Elijah is godly and truthful (1 Kings 17:24).

• The centurion highly values his servant (Luke 7:2), and the elders affirm the centurion (Luke 7:4–5). Note that the centurion did not praise himself. Unsolicited praise from mouths other than the person’s own is best, unless you are God, who may solicit all the praise he deserves.

• Paul commends Phoebe for her servant ways (Rom. 16:1–2).

• Paul commends the Corinthians for their faithful remembrance of traditions (1 Cor. 11:2).

Even to a bunch of scalawags, Paul affirms the work of God he sees in them:

Paul, called by the will of God to be an apostle of Christ Jesus, and our brother Sosthenes,

To the church of God that is in Corinth, to those sanctified in Christ Jesus, called to be saints together with all those who in every place call upon the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, both their Lord and ours:

Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.

I give thanks to my God always for you because of the grace of God that was given you in Christ Jesus, that in every way you were enriched in him in all speech and all knowledge—even as the testimony about Christ was confirmed among you—so that you are not lacking in any spiritual gift, as you wait for the revealing of our Lord Jesus Christ, who will sustain you to the end, guiltless in the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is faithful, by whom you were called into the fellowship of his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. (1 Cor. 1:1–9)

Paul had much to correct in the Corinthians. They had:

• serious doctrinal error

• divisions

• a form of immorality

• lawsuits among themselves

• problematic corporate gatherings

• misunderstandings and misuses of gifts

• broad opposition to Paul himself.

And yet, in his opening lines he tells them, “I give thanks to my God always for you.” Why? “Because of the grace of God that was given you in Jesus Christ.” Do you see the God-centered affirmation?

Jesus himself, the one to whom belongs all glory, affirms others:2

• He calls his disciples “salt” and “light” (Matt. 5:13–14).

• He says his listeners are more valuable than many sparrows (Matt. 10:31).

• He commends the woman of great faith (Matt. 15:28).

• He commends the woman of ill repute for doing a beautiful thing (Mark 14:6).

• He marvels at the faith of the centurion (Luke 7:9).

• He praises John with superlatives (Luke 7:28).

• He endorses the generosity of the widow (Luke 21:3–4).

• He commends Nathanael for not being a hypocrite (John 1:47).

Obedience as Praise

Obedience is a way of praising. Obedience honors the one being obeyed.

Obviously, when the Bible teaches us to obey God rather than man, it is not saying we should never obey man, children should never obey parents, students should never obey teachers, and drivers should never obey traffic officers. Generally, we are to obey those in authority. However, we are to disobey man when he is commanding us to do something that turns us away from God. Obedience to God supersedes obedience to man, but does not forbid all obedience to man.

In the same way, we ought to praise God rather than man, while acknowledging that the praise of God does not forbid all praise of others. It only prohibits the praise of others in ways that diminish God’s glory, such as approving of their wicked practices, or making excuses for their sin, or attributing to them honor as though it is intrinsic to them and not derived from him.

What’s the Point?

Good affirmations are God-centered, pointing to the image of God in a person. The only commendable attributes in people were given to them. Everything is from God, through God, and to God so that in all things—including the commendable qualities in people—he might get the glory: “‘Who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?’ For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen” (Rom. 11:35–36).

I remember being dismayed at the well-intended remarks of a seminary official at a large convocation who was about to thank a number of persons for their efforts. His intention and spirit were good. But he prefaced his thank-yous by saying, “The apostle Paul was always thanking people.” Well, no, the apostle Paul wasn’t. You will not find Paul doing such a thing in the Scriptures. He didn’t thank people for things; he thanked God for people. Paul’s practice is, “I thank God for you.” Yes, the person is refreshed by the expression of gratitude, but God gets the glory. We are wise to give God-centered thank-yous and God-centered affirmations.

We’ve all heard of robbing Peter to pay Paul. We’ve also heard of robbing God by not paying tithes. I am suggesting that we rob God of praise by not pointing out his reflection in the people he has knit together in his image.

The best affirmation is rooted not only in the character of God, but in the gospel. The unspeakably good news of the gospel is that unworthy bankrupt sinners are invited to buy bread without money, to eat a banquet at no cost to them, purchased by Christ crucified who is himself their living bread. The good news is that cripples and invalids who cannot fight have a Champion who fights for them. The good news for law-breakers is that hearts of stone are replaced by hearts of flesh. The good news is that the sinner’s justifying righteousness comes from outside him, from someone else. So does the source of his character. If a sinner develops good character, it comes from outside him. Common grace and saving grace abound. The goodness of gospel news is the magnificent beneficial overflow that comes from the God who is bountiful in mercy to sinners like me.

Salvation Is about the Person and Work of Christ—and So Is Character

Salvation is not in a code, but in a person. And so it is with character.

Just as salvation is not the keeping of an outward, superficial formula, or a recipe of good deeds, or a Religious Duty Checklist to be fulfilled by a person’s exertion of will and effort, so character does not amount to an external set of guidelines to which one musters up conformity in his own strength and willpower. Rather, just as salvation is from Christ, through Christ, in Christ, and to Christ, so character is Christ’s work emanating from within the believer and stemming from the vigorous life of the Spirit dwelling there. And in the case of the unbeliever, character is part of the common grace of God, as a gift to the individual.

Salvation is the work of Christ and character is the work of Christ. He does the work and he gets the glory.

God-centered affirmations point toward the echoes, shadows, and reality of a righteousness not intrinsic to the person being affirmed. These qualities are gifts, coming from outside people and being worked in them. Even without yet being fully complete, these qualities are nevertheless commendable, and are to be seen and highlighted. We can truthfully say to an unregenerate four-year-old, “God is helping you become more . . .” and fill in the blank with qualities such as: careful with your things (as a steward), cheerful around the house as a singer, cautious around dangerous things like hot stoves, and so on. While the child’s growth in character is commended, God is identified as the source.

Before being able to affirm people well, we need to learn to affirm God, the source of everything to be affirmed in people. He is the source, the template, the standard. In order to be on the lookout for what is commendable in people, we should see the commendable in God. And for what should God be praised? “Praise him for his mighty deeds; praise him according to his excellent greatness!” (Ps. 150:2).

In simplified summary, we see here two things for which God is rightly to be commended: deeds that are mighty and greatness that is excellent.

First, while it would be idolatrous to erroneously praise people for being powerful if “powerful” is taken to mean an underived, self-generated potency, it is fitting to commend people for “mighty deeds,” demonstrating God-given power to overcome things that should be overcome—things like bad habits, temptations, and falsehoods previously believed. It is a mighty deed to put to death sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry (Col. 3:5). Making progress in conquering such diabolical debilitations is commendable, a testimony to the grace and power of God in a person.

Second, praising people for excellent greatness is also fitting when we understand true greatness to be what Jesus explained it to be—serving in the strength God supplies and for which he gets the glory:

As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace: whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies—in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen. (1 Pet. 4:10–11)

We are stewards of grace. Those who steward well should be commended for it, and God should be praised for giving them the grace to steward the grace given. God is not given the praise he deserves when we ignore or deny the work he is doing in people.

Affirmation on the Way to Gospel Proclamation

Consider this: we risk damning others by not praising them. There are people around us in peril of hell unless we commend them. Isn’t that kind of thinking idolatry? Is there anything to praise in the unregenerate person? Yes, the image of God. Our failure to praise them may unwittingly abandon them on their hell-bent path, even propel them on an accelerated descending trajectory, having alienated them from the very ones who possess the truth so crucial for them to hear.

Conversely, a great danger of relational evangelism is that Christians develop warm and open relationships with unbelievers, but fail to announce the claims and identity of Jesus.

Affirmation is a way to gain a hearing for the gospel.3

Affirming people gains a hearing so that we can tell them the most offensive news in the universe—God is angry at them (see Rom. 1:18). Our listeners will be more inclined to hear us is they believe we’re not angry at them, but grateful for them. If we’re not angry at them, they might be more inclined to listen to us when we tell them that God is.

One of the reasons we commend our little grandchildren when they do something commendable is so that we don’t help harden them against the gospel, without which they will perish.

I found it helpful, for example, when interacting with a self-proclaimed atheist to take this approach: “I can see that you are an intelligent person. I’m inclined to think that you are interested in following the evidence wherever it goes, embracing reality, whatever it may be.” Notice that I affirmed his ability to think, and gave him the benefit of the doubt that he has some measure of interest in the truth. “May I ask you to answer a question?”

Once granted permission to pose my question, I asked, “Would you be willing to describe the god you are pretty sure you don’t believe in?” This question does several things. First, it affords me an opportunity to listen, which is both honoring to him and enlightening to me. Second, it elicits from him a clear articulation of just exactly what it is he denies, an exercise that helps me understand his mental obstacles and helps him rethink his own objections as he spells them out. After all, if we are going to have differences, it will be helpful to know exactly (and not merely imagine) where they lie. Third, it—surprisingly, to him—revealed common ground. You see the puzzled and startled look on their faces when I say to self-professed atheists who know I am a God-fearing Christian, “I don’t believe in that god either.” We still have a difference, and we both know it. But at this point, he knows I treat him with respect as a thinking human being and that we actually have some thinking in common. We have something in common to build on. I don’t believe in that god either, but now he may want to know what kind of God I do believe in.

Heart Transformation

Notice the vital importance of God’s transforming us so that we become the kind of person who affirms not as a chore, but as a delight. Heart transformation is God’s work; the refreshment we desire to give others is also the work of God, as is our desire to give it. Just as love for a wife is not a chore but a joy in the transformed husband, affirming others is not a chore but a joy in the transformed affirmer. God is a desire-transformer. When he transforms our hearts, we don’t affirm others out of sheer obligation, but rather because we want to. We want them to enjoy the refreshment from being affirmed that we enjoy when we are affirmed. God is the prime mover of all good affirming.

For example, before Saul underwent supernatural heart change, he wanted to murder Christians; but after, he rejoiced in the zeal of the believers (2 Cor. 7:7).

As a Way to Praise God, Praise Those Who Are Not God4

All commendation affirms something perceived as good by the one commending it. The person expressing jaw-popping awe at before-and-after pictures of the Mount Saint Helens volcano blast is praising not his own ability to gasp, but is pointing to the impressive powers unleashed, the massive volume of material heaved heavenward, the expansiveness of the space, the intricate convolution of resultant geologic formations, the rapid destruction and rapid regrowth of wildlife, and so on. Rightly understood, a person’s commendations of power, scope, and material substance bend upward to the beauty and power of the source from which they come, the one who made them.