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- Herausgeber: Loving Healing Press
- Kategorie: Ratgeber
- Serie: New Horizons in Therapy
- Sprache: Englisch
- Only 1% of the world's assets are held in the name of women.
- 70% of people in abject poverty--living on less than $1 per day--are women.
- Over half the women of this generation do not themselves receive, from either employment or the state, enough to 'get by'.
These shocking statistics call to our attention the importance of financial independence among women. Financial dependence, though, is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Dependence can also be noted in Validation and Self Esteem; Mobility and Daily Care; and Emotional Support and A Shield from the World. Loving, caring, and well meaning spouses, families, and caregivers can unwittingly gnaw away at self confidence and self esteem until a person is unwittingly trapped in an unhealthy situation.
Are you at risk?
- Would you be financially secure without your spouse's income?
- Do you find? it hard to say "no"?
- Do you feel unlovable or ugly?
- Have you given up on your dreams?
- Are you truly unhappy with your life?
If so, there is hope! It is possible to regain your self esteem, rebuild your self confidence, and become independent once more.
Independence is a skill, an attitude, and a lifestyle that anyone can achieve.
Praise for Tami Brady:
"The main point I saw in this work, and one I thought was outstanding, is that we are all individuals, unique and that one set formula may not work for everyone. I believe that is what makes her work different than other self-help books." -Shirley Johnson, Midwest Book Review
"I found myself submersed in this book, discovering it a true source of encouragement, that however overwhelming life becomes, we should stay aware of what we want, never forgetting where we come from or what our dreams are." -Tracy Jane-Newton, An Alternative View
"If you have been thinking there must be more to life than what you have; or you find you tend to say one thing in public, whilst being of an-other opinion in private, then this book may be for you." -Sue Phillips, Spiralthreads Reviews
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Seitenzahl: 95
Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2007
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Regaining Control
When Love Becomes a Prison
Tami Brady
Regaining Control : When Love Becomes a Prison
The New Horizons in Therapy Series
Copyright © 2007 Tami Brady. All Rights Reserved.
No part of this publication reproduced, transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or other otherwise, or stored in a retrieval system, without the prior written consent of the publisher.
First Edition: April 2007
ISBN-13 978-1-932690-12-5
ISBN-10 1-932690-12-3
________________________________________________________
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Brady, Tami, 1968-
Regaining control : when love becomes a prison / Tami Brady. - - 1st ed.
p. cm. - - (New horizons in therapy series; 4)
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN-13: 978-1-932690-12-5 (pbk. : alk. paper)
ISBN-10: 1-932690-12-3 (pbk. : alk. paper)
1. Dependency (Psychology) 2. Self-help techniques. I. Title.
BF575.D34B73 2007
158.2- -dc22
2006100181
Distributed by:
Baker & Taylor, Ingram Book Group, New Leaf Distributing
Published by:
Loving Healing Press
5145 Pontiac Trail
Ann Arbor, MI 48105
USA
http://www.LovingHealing.com or
Fax +1 734 663 6861
Loving Healing Press
The New Horizons in Therapy Series
About our Series Editor, Robert Rich, Ph.D.
Robert Rich, M.Sc., Ph.D., M.A.P.S., A.A.S.H. is a highly experienced counseling psychologist. His web site www.anxietyanddepression-help.com is a storehouse of helpful information for people suffering from anxiety and depression.
Bob is also a multiple award-winning writer of both fiction and non-fiction, and a professional editor. His writing is displayed at www.bobswriting.com. You are advised not to visit him there unless you have the time to get lost for a while.
Three of his books are tools for psychological self-help: Anger and Anxiety,Personally Speaking, and Cancer: A personal challenge. However, his philosophy and psychological knowledge come through in all his writing, which is perhaps why three of his books have won international awards, and he has won many minor prizes. Dr. Rich currently resides at Wombat Hollow in Australia.
Praise for Tami Brady's Self-Help Books
“…A perfect and simple way to begin the process of transforming one's life and living the unique purpose that resides within the soul.”
—Richard A. Singer Jr., MA, CAC, Your Daily Walk with the Great Minds
“The main point I saw in this work, and one I thought was outstanding, is that we are all individuals, unique and that one set formula may not work for everyone. I believe that is what makes her work different than other self-help books.”
—Shirley Johnson, Midwest Book Review
“I found myself submersed in this book, discovering it a true source of encouragement, that however overwhelming life becomes, we should stay aware of what we want, never forgetting where we come from or what our dreams are.”
—Tracy Jane-Newton, An Alternative View
“If you have been thinking there must be more to life than what you have; or you find you tend to say one thing in public, whilst being of another opinion in private, then this book may be for you.”
—Sue Phillips, Spiralthreads Reviews
“…One of the best guidebooks I have read and yet it does not overwhelm the reader with daunting tasks and unrealistic expectations.”
—Angela Hutchinson, Spirit-GWorks.Net
“I found [her book] helpful for self examination and analysis. The author helped me gain insights into my personal behavior patterns and in understanding myself in relation to the world around me.”
—Richard R. Blake, San Leandro, CA
“You can almost feel the warmth of her words radiate throughout your body as you allow each one to absorb deep into your soul. Allow her to come into your life and you will discover the person you were truly meant to be.”
—Suzie Housley, MyShelf.com
“I appreciate Tami Brady's intent to help people discover their truth so that we all can live authentic lives. She presents ideas in an organized format and provides both background information and tools to incorporate new knowledge.”
—Erika K. Oliver, ReaderViews.com
Table of Contents
Preface
Chapter 1 - Are You Independent?
Introduction
Underlying Philosophy of this Book
My Hope
Chapter 2 – Dependence vs. Independence
About Dependence and Independence
Myths about Dependence and Independence
Self-Reliance Explained
Chapter 3 - - What is Self-Reliance?
Exploring your Self-Reliance Issues
A Perfect World
Introductory Explorations
Furthering Your Investigations
Chapter 4 – Finding Your Independence Quotient
Analyzing Your Questionnaire Results
Interpreting Your Results
Your Opinion Counts
Summarizing Your Results
Chapter 5 – Defining Your Goals
Deciding What You Need
Priorities List
Determining Your Goals
Assessing Your Resources
Chapter 6 – Succeeding At Your Goals
Steps for Success
Choosing Your Goal
Goal Setting
Goal Setting Timeline
Chapter 7 – Realizing Your Goals and Beyond
Appendix A –Additional Resources
Emergency Contacts
Domestic Violence Support
Elder Abuse Support
Organizations and Online Resources: Mental Health
Bibliography
Online Reading Material: Articles
Online Reading Material: Statistics
About the Author
Index
Preface
Control and independence are topics close to my heart. Like many people, I come from a long line of women who became dependent upon a spouse or other loved one. Too many of my female kin have found themselves in dysfunctional relationships they felt that they couldn't leave because of financial concerns. Reduced self-esteem and few options, unfortunately, kept the cycle going. Horribly, in most of these cases, the patterns were passed onto the following generation who continued to repeat the same mistakes.
I also have my own personal experiences with dependence. I chose to be a stay at home Mom until all three of my children started school. Although I loved being a Mom, it was difficult depending upon my husband for all of our financial needs. Moreover, my perception of the situation (particularly that our money was actually his money) made me feel like I was asking him for an allowance so I could go and buy milk and bread. Even though my spouse never tried to make me feel that way, I did.
Unfortunately, the situation was aggravated by the fact we could only afford one car (because my job wasn't bringing in money), so I had to depend upon my husband to share the car (in my mind, his car). Thus, if I wanted to go anywhere I either had to walk, take the bus (with three small children in tow, which was a hellish experience), or wait until my husband didn't need the vehicle. To compensate, I started to group my errands into one big trip and eliminated any outside tasks that weren't essential.
Being a stay at home Mom is very isolating in and of itself. The only people, I saw all day were children. Adult conversations became a thing of the past. Moreover, in a world where the first question everyone asks “What do you do for a living?” (and then they look at you with pity when you say you are a mother), I found it difficult to feel like a valuable contributing member of society. I am a fairly introverted person anyway, so this isolation and perceived power by my husband was devastating to my self-esteem. Eventually, just leaving the house was a chore that caused terrible anxiety.
Thankfully, when my children all started school, I had the opportunity to gain back control of my life. I went back to university, earned my BA (Honors) and MA in Archaeology and Heritage (awarded with distinction). Eventually, I started my own archaeological consulting company and began to write in my spare time.
I wish the story ended there but just as my independent spirit began to soar, I became ill. I was eventually diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia, which causes intense fatigue, pain, and at times an inability to think straight. There are times when I can only walk with the use of a cane and I have even had the embarrassment of having both legs collapse at my son's hockey game—my husband had to carry me to the car to get home.
From these situations, though, I have learned how to receive and appreciate appropriate help. Just as importantly though, I have retained my self-reliant spirit and refuse to accept aid or participate in situations that will eat away at my self-esteem.
1
Are You Independent?Introduction
Only 1% of the world's assets are in the name of women (Online Women in Politics, http://www.onlinewomeninpolitics.org/statistics.htm).70% of people in abject poverty- - living on less than $1 per day- - are women (Online Women in Politics, http://www.onlinewomeninpolitics.org/statistics.htm).Without Child Benefit, one-fifth of married women would be totally dependent on their partner for income (The Extent of Financial Independence for Women Born in 1958, http://www.jrf.org.uk/Knowledge/findings/socialpolicy/SP85.asp).Four-fifths of 33-year-old women living with a man brought in substantially less than half their joint income (The Extent of Financial Independence for Women Born in 1958, http://www.jrf.org.uk/Knowledge/findings/socialpolicy/SP85.asp).Over half the women of this generation do not themselves receive, from either employment or the state, enough to ‘get by’. Over two-thirds of married mothers are in this position. They risk real poverty if their partner does not share his income (The Extent of Financial Independence for Women Born in 1958, http://www.jrf.org.uk/Knowledge/findings/socialpolicy/SP85.asp).These statistics illustrate that a large percentage of women are financially dependent upon their husband or lover. Likely these findings are not surprising or shocking to most individuals. Many of us live in situations where a divorce, the loss of a job, or the death of our significant other could lead us directly into poverty. Most of us probably even have a friend, relative, or workmate who refuses to leave an abusive relationship because the financial ramifications would be disastrous both to them and their dependent children.
Although, Financial and Material dependency on a spouse, family member, or other individual is the most visible and thus the easiest type of unhealthy control to survey, it is not the only way that people (particularly women, the infirm, and the elderly) can be placed at risk of potentially abusive circumstances. Dependence can also be noted in Validation and Self-Esteem; Mobility and Daily Care; and Emotional Support and a Shield from the World. We will take a deeper look at each of these categories as this book progresses.
It is important to note at this point that abuse need not be overtly violent but often, especially in the earliest phases, takes the form of giving direction, creating boundaries, and defining limitations that gradually reduce the victim's mobility, freedom, personal identity, self-esteem, self-reliance, and self-worth. In many of these cases, the one exerting such control sees his or her actions as being helpful and providing necessary guidance. Despite this seemingly loving intention, being controlled sets up stressful dynamics for the person frustrated by loss of independence. One person experiences loss of personal power. The other feels undervalued for the helpful advice offered, and this conflict can quickly escalate to potentially violent proportions.
The statistics on elder abuse are unfortunate examples of how easily loving care can turn into outright abuse.
