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- Herausgeber: V&S Publishers
- Kategorie: Lebensstil
- Sprache: Englisch
- Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2018
Laugh your way to long life
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R.K. Murthi
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© Copyright: ISBN 978-935-05729-7-9
DISCLAIMER
While every attempt has been made to provide accurate and timely information in this book, neither the author nor the publisher assumes any responsibility for errors, unintended omissions or commissions detected therein. The author and publisher make no representation or warranty with respect to the comprehensiveness or completeness of the contents provided.
All matters included have been simplified under professional guidance for general information only without any warranty for applicability on an individual. Any mention of an organization or a website in the book by way of citation or as a source of additional information doesn't imply the endorsement of the content either by the author or the publisher. It is possible that websites cited may have changed or removed between the time of editing and publishing the book.
Results from using the expert opinion in this book will be totally dependent on individual circumstances and factors beyond the control of the author and the publisher.
It makes sense to elicit advice from well informed sources before implementing the ideas given in the book. The reader assumes full responsibility for the consequences arising out from reading this book. For proper guidance, it is advisable to read the book under the watchful eyes of parents/guardian. The purchaser of this book assumes all responsibility for the use of given materials and information. The copyright of the entire content of this book rests with the author/publisher. Any infringement/ transmission of the cover design, text or illustrations, in any form, by any means, by any entity will invite legal action and be responsible for consequences thereon.
DEDICATION
To All the Middle WritersMay Their Tribe In-
Contents
Author’s Note
A
Adam & Eve
Ads
Alert Readers
Animal Crackers
Apology
Art
B
Brag
Bulls and Bears
C
Caught on the Wrong Foot
Children
Client
Computer
Critic
Cross Purposes
D
Deadly Stroke
Doctors
Domestic Tiff
Dress
Driver’s Tales
Drunks
E
Editor
Elections
Experience
F
Falling Off
Fools
Form Filling
G
Gambling
H
Hijacking History
Humour in Uniform
I
Imprecision
J
Just Smoke
Judicial Darts
K
Knowledge
L
Law
Light Banter
Loose Lips
M
Maddening Replies
Man and Woman
Mistaken Identity
Money Matter
N
Nurse
O
Officialese
Oh! God
P
Pay Rise
Political Jokes
Priest
Pun
R
Reason
Reason and Unreason …
Red Humour
Rising to the Occasion
S
Safety Tactics
Sharp Snipe
Spelling Trouble
T
Tax
Telephone Trouble
T-Shirt Slogans
That’s Business
This English
Time
Tips to Travellers
W
Weather
What’s in a Name?
What’s that Again?
Will
Author’s Note
God be praised! He has gifted man the ability to laugh, buttressed it by providing most people with a sense of humour. Effectively used, it smooths ruffed feathers, averts ugly confrontations, defuses anger, silences the foul mouth, takes the wind out of the sails of the brag and the conceited, dispels gloom and tears, inducts cheer and bonhomie.
Show me a man who doesn’t laugh at good jokes! And I can show you a man whose soul is so dead that he rightfully belongs to the world of the dead. He is a ghost, walking the world of the living. This book is not for those, who like this man, have forgotten what it is to laugh, lost the ability eons ago and trudge, with weary feet, casting gloom wherever they go.
This book is a mixed bag. It contains original jokes I had shared with friends, relations and acquaintances during interaction with them. It also draws from a variety of jokes I read, in books or came across in newspapers and magazine during the last forty years and recorded in my diary, which may well be called the Writer’s Notebook. So this is a priceless collection of jokes that tickled me a lot. Share them with others, play with them deftly and see how they seek you out and your company and tell you to your face that you are an invaluable asset, a fairy spirit with a magic wand that inducts mirth and merriment into even the most prosaic and colourless of settings. In brief, you become the priceless gem much sought after by society, look upon you as the star of the show at social gatherings.
How many books can stake such a claim? Don’t chaff at it, dismiss the claim as one that comes with a bang and ends with a whimper. That is not true as far as this book is concerned. It comes with a burst of laughter and tickles the audience with the best of jokes. Not once does the flash of wit wilt or fag.
Need anything more be said to recommend this book as one to possess? Have it always within reach. Pick it up when you feel out of sorts, down in the dumps. Turn to any page. Instantly your spirits shall be revived; and you shall feel light and gay.
Can one ask for anything more!
New Delhi
4.6.2000
—R.K. Murthi
Adam & Eve
Adam was feeling terribly bored in the Garden of Eden. How long can one stay all alone!
“I want company” said he to God.
“Fine. But I need something to shape a companion.”
“You can’t create something out of nothing?”
“I can. But it would be just of the air, airy. You want something of the earth, earthy. How about giving me your arm. I shall turn it into….? “No, God. I hate the idea of being one-handed.”
“Then give a leg?”
“Not till I am alive.”
“Then what can you spare?” God asked.
“Let me think,” Adam started counting his eyes, his nose and then his ribs. His eyes brightened. “Take a rib. Just one rib,” he smiled at God.
God removed the rib, waved his hand and changed it into Eve.
Adam wasn’t pleased. He scowled, “This is to be my companion?” God walked away saying, “What more did you expect of a rib?”
St Peter organized a millennium party and sent out invitations to all the angels and saints. He had their addresses. But he ran into trouble when he wanted to invite Adam and Eve. He told his secretary, “Can you send someone to invite Adam and Eve, the original ones who lived in the Garden of Eden?”
The secretary assigned an ace detective to do that. He had no problem tracking down the only couple who didn’t have belly buttons.”
Adam and Eve were the centre of a debate in which a politician, a doctor and an engineer were involved.
The doctor asserted that his was the oldest profession. “God created Adam and Adam demanded that he be given a companion. God demanded Adam to spare a rib which could be turned into a suitable companion. And that needed a delicate operation, one that demanded exceptional medical skill,” so argued the doctor.
“Fine, as far as your argument goes. But you forget that someone struggled against the chaos and confusion that existed and constructed the earth in six days. That is where the engineering skill was first fully exploited,” the engineer sounded quite confident that he had a perfectly sewed up case.
“I won’t deny you just credit. But who do you think created the chaos and the confusion in the first place?” the politician had the last laugh.
Ads
Mary and Thomas were taking their breakfast.
Thomas turned the pages of the paper, while Mary started preparing tea. Thomas spotted an ad that tickled him. He turned to her and said, “Here is an ad for a bridegroom.”
“What’s strange about it?’
“The ad is inserted by a woman. She says she is wealthy, attractive, stylish and controlling,” Thomas paused.
“Did you say controlling?”
“Yes.” Thomas nodded.
“I wonder whether anyone would bite that bait?” she was certain.
“But why?”
“Would you apply, if you were still a bachelor?”
“No.”
“Why not?’’
“Because I don’t want a woman who loves to control,” Thomas set the paper aside.
“Exactly. If this woman bags a man, I can only pray for him, May God save you!”
Believe it or not, this advertisement appeared in a London newspaper: “Sprinkle the magic mixture on your flowerbeds and nothing will grow, thus leaving you with plenty of leisure for other things.” The product must have been an instant success. For most marriages are between one of whom has green fingers and another who doesn’t have them.
The company was in deep financial trouble. The Chief Executive Officer sent for the Advertisement Manager.
“Morning, Sir,” the advertisement manager knocked at the door, gently, received the crisp, “Come in.” “Sit down,” the CEO was curt.
“Thank you.”
“Well, we are in deep trouble, man. Our debts are mounting. We have to economize. I am wondering whether we could cut down the amount we spend on ads.”
“You might as well stop your watch to save time,” the advertisement manager spat back, forcing the CEO to drop the ill-conceived idea.
Alert Readers
A letter by Eleanor published in The Washington Post, (March 25, 2000):
Following some physiotherapy treatment, I was sent a questionnaire addressed to me care of my parents or guardian. I am 91 years old. After receiving three such letters, I wrote back: “Since my mother and father would be around 120 years old if they were alive, and are difficult to reach at the moment, and I am not senile enough to need a guardian, there is no one here to answer your questions.”
A report in the Sunday comic strip of The Washington Post (March 19, 2000) had this on the musk: “Their population mushroomed from one bull, which was sighted by biologists in 1952 to a high of 84,000 members in 1994.”
Dace Andrews, a reader, ticked the paper with the observation: According to the strip, the musk ox population mushroomed from one bull to a high of 84,000! Were musk ox mushrooms, I could understand this amazing feat. But I wasn’t aware that a musk ox bull could do the same. Since cloning wasn’t an option in 1952, it’s a safe bet that at least one cow was around somewhere. Either that, or your paper has relegated one of science’s biggest stories to the funny pages!
David Guskin is a crossword fan. He ran into a problem while handling the crossword that appeared in The Washington Post (March 24). There was an error in it. He wrote: “The solution to 17 across is spelt incorrectly. The 1972 Oscar winner is Cabaret and not Caberet. Perhaps the puzzle writer was drinking cabernet (Or is that cabarnet?).
There was another puzzle writer who gave the clue erudite (12). A fan was fummoxed. He sensed, after a little exercise, that the solution is the word Knowledgeable which has 13 letters. Evidently the setter of the puzzle didn’t know the right spelling. The fan wrote back: “I am sure many solvers must have had a good laugh at the irony of misspelling a synonym for erudite. This has led me to formulate a puzzler’s variation of Murphy’s Law: (1) If it doesn’t ft, make it ft. (2) If it still doesn’t ft, misspell it.”
Animal Crackers
The rooster is an entirely different sort of bird from the hen. He has a red crest on the top of his head— put there by Nature so that the hen can see the rooster coming in a crowd and can hop into a taxi or a previous engagement if she wants to. One of the happiest and most successful roosters I ever saw was one who had had his red crest chewed off in a fight with a dog. He also wore sneakers.
“Papa,” the boy who was on a holiday in his father’s village got up on hearing the loud notes of the cocks and turned to his father.
“Yes, my boy.”
“What make the cocks crow so loudly in the morning. They did that yesterday. And today too they are making much din.”
“They want to have their say before the hens wake up,” said the father.
A waiter took his son to the zoo. The two reached the enclosure where a tiger was kept. It was feeding time for the tiger. The boy watched with fascination the employee of the zoo who just lifted a small opening, pushed a chunk of meat in, pulled the shutters down and walked away.
“Can’t he serve the meat nicely and with grace to the tiger? I have watched you serve meat. How deftly and delicately you do it,” the son observed.
“Well, my boy. I get tips. Remember that,” the father burst into laughter.
Apology
“Why don’t you offer an apology?” one of the Directors suggested to the Managing Director of a big industrial house after the President of the Employees Union accused the Board of unfair wage disparities for some work and also for holding back bonuses and increments, supporting the charges with incontrovertible evidence.
“I think we have to buy peace. Some sort of peace offering must be made. How about telling them we are sorry for the misunderstanding, that we shall take quick measures to restore faith?”
“In other words, you suggest we apologize?” the Managing Director showed indignation.
“Cool down, friend. I have a draft letter. Read it. It shows the way out of the tangle, without really yielding ground,” he said.
The draft letter read: We are sorry for the alleged wrong moves from our side and are determined, in our resolve, to prevent such moves in future, as long as everyone does what we, of the management, ask them to do.
“This is no apology at all,” the Managing Director sighed : “I have no problem in sending that.”
A short skinny man had an argument, in which logic was on his side, with a muscle man. In the heat of the moment, he called his opponent ‘a lump of flesh that knew no logic’.
